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596. Because all the coal oil is gone and any that shows up is hideously overpriced, your emporer sends you to a far off country to go door to door and traumatize the locals and post traumatize yourself, because they are too freaked out by the idea of switching from coal oil, then you get home, and get stop lossed back again, twice, and now you get another one of those letters in the mail telling you to report for duty.....you pray the emporer chokes on a pretzel and you pack up and use stealth to follow the drinking gourd.
597. You have already dated both the possible partners in this town back in middle school, and in order to receive your inheritance you must be wed...
598. A pacifist botanist comes to the plantation and after visiting with your owners is free to wander the site looking for interesting flowers and weeds to document. He secretly tells you in your own tongue how to escape and who to look for help from, and so you end up running in the middle of the night carrying a quilt, that is a map, looking for a red and black star to take you north to safety.
599. The current emporer might actually listen to his people if the speak with enough tongues, so you gather with one million others and go to his steps and a very talented cleric bard carries your message I HaveA Dream...
600. Retired from service to a press gang at sea for the royal navy, your trade ship is taken by pirates from the mowangi expanse. You serve them well and dont resist, and see in a short time they were all pressed into service to. You surprise the pirates by throwing their weapons overboard and holding them at the elbows in bear hugs, take over the ship and in a surprise leading from your God, sail them all home. You seat the pirate captain in the bow, his mates on his knees, and two men on their knees and so on until the whaling boat is full with all the pirates and the front of this sardine packed crowd in burdened unter chests of blankets and barrels of fresh water so none can stand. You row to the shore and release them, they smile and wave, you head home and your own king tries to arrest you for not killng the countries enemies when you had the chance, you explain that when you were killing for the king after being pressed into service, you wish those pirates (mowangi navy) would have captured and freed you. You, thomoas lurting retire to ship fair trade chocolate for quakers.
601. You bragged to a cutie you were going to do something cool, now you have to follow through if you have any hope to win her love....
602. The king passes a law that makes your religion illegal, you are put on a ship to a colony where half the people die of disease on the way. Once there you are an indentured servant but you escape and are hidden and nurtured by the aboriginals. You become a famous hunter and your grand kids become a real Boone to the locals as an interpreter.
603. You are kicked off your land by a lord who has discovered sheep are more profit and less trouble, and that year the potatoes went bad and the lord had stolen the rest of the veggies too.
All true stories from our world.
You were a famous pirate and run your fleet from a quiet wreckers town at a craggy cliff, but your letter of marque has been stolen and lost and you left the other in another jacket on board your ship....
608. A growing fearfullness around bloodline purity has young girls making strange accusations and everyone is so haunted by the things they did to the locals who used to live here before they settled, they need an external scapegoat to carry away their community guilt for all they,ve done, and you have red hair and have a slightly different take on the holy writings, so its away on the road or away into the sky withthe sparks of the pyre they are building outside the courthouse...
609. You have a brother whose a braggert and lives a little wild, he gets himself in trouble the sheriffs gotta file, he travelled with the army on a great crusade, you thought hed gone and straightened up, but he has been waylaid. His captors ask a random, great sums that you must pay, youd rather run this kingdom and bring it up to grade, that costs a lot of money, so taxes you must raise. This brother has a buddy who is equally no good, who gather up the bandits and they're training in the wood. Your command is faltering diaily its not going at all good, youd rather not gt caught in it so you flee robin hood.
610. your country is preparing for nother totally pointless war, they trot out the tropes of past glorious wars and fill your eyes with propaganda about the great war to end all wars that cused that other war and was started for no reason but to stuff the pockets of the aponsmiths. ou were there and it was so pointless, som many dead, came home to empty towns, one soldier killed for every eight civilians, taxes paid to ruination that could have bought anything else good. and on st. somethings day your tables empty haunted chairs and those chairs that e filled have empty pantlegs or sleeves and worst of all the empty stares looking a thousand miles away. and you throw up at the sound of the recruiting sargeant going to take over the gym class, you hold your children back from school, and as they track you down each time you avoid them and they cornered your son... you pack to go....anywhere but here.
611. you are a last minute replacement for the wedding emcee at a wedding feast, you know the bride but never met the groom, you tell a long and brutally demeaning opening joke about a stuttering encyclopaedia salesmen to warm up the crowd, only to be thanked by the groom for being the emcee on short notice. "th th th ank y y ou vvvvv vv verry much fu fu for ..." and as the crowd is distracted by the first waltz with the groom crying as he dances, you sneak out and catch the coach to middle muscodavit harbour before sailing to lanteglos on camelford...
612. a local tyrant views people as powerless ingredients for his ill considered half baked recipes for utopian progress, your brother is reassigned to another area of the jungle to meet his breaucratically assigned wife, to turn the jungle into farmland or die trying. you get a letter a week later saying you will be a father in a happy family of comrade strangers at a factory that makes spoons it is for the good of the homeland and we must all do our part. you must be the ost unlucky man because you see the wife you have been assigned is your worst enemy a woman who is afflicted with a psychiatric disability and who tried to kill your sick elderly fatherbecause she thought he was a wayang.
613. you are old enough to travel and so you and two friends sign up on a caravan as cartwrights and oxen handlers for a wealthy pilgrim , but you do not know the pilgrimage is a cover to get him out of town because he is the prime suspect in a sries of unfortunate events, and his priviledged family is buying time to buy off he authorities. but the families of the victims are aware, equipped, undaunted nd they will follow you to the ends of the earth to avenge themselves and punish him and any who wear his livery. you are mending a cart wheel at the side of the road, your fleur de lis flapping in the breeze as you hunch and hammer, you hear from a nearby hilltop the tighteing of bowstrings and the cry of- my daughter! ma Fia, Ma Fia!
614. you really were a hit at the last parlour visit with simple parlour tricks, but you hear the colonel is just mad about seances and ouji boards, you set up an amazing hoax to scare the nightsoil out of him, and to give it authenticy you borrow your weird uncles dusty old necromancy book to mumble some words out of to set the mood, ou read the crazy language as you wave your hands around, and the oddest thing happens to the stuffed moose head above the parlour mantle as you finish and the chilled pheasant under glass that was waiting as a snack in the room across the entrance hall throws off its glass with a shattering explosion as it drags itself through the black velvet curtains gurgling about the colonel being finger licking good and laughing maniacally scaring the accomplice out from under the table and causing everyone to run shreiking into the arms of the insatiable stuffed bear in the cloakroom....
615. you are not the smartest gal in the villiage, but you are the toughest and the biggest. your father drank your family into debt and the duchess demand you make some token effort to pay up. she is more than reasonable and asks if you could wrk it off in honest ways, but you are always messing up. she asks if you could settle a large bowl of creme for her to use in her kitchen, all you have to do is let it sit and shoo the flies away, no chance that could go wrong. well a stranger comes in and hes a monk who doesnt want the pints you offer, he wants a bit of milk or cream, have you any about? you dont want anything to go wrong so you lie to him and tell him no, you have no cream. your toddler hears you say that and wants to see for himself, in climbing up to look in the bowl, he spills it all. you freak out and hit him and he falls from the table to the stone floor, blood is running from his ears and nose and you cant even think, you just run from there as fast as you can, you stare at your fist for the next few years wondering how it could have done such a thing.
616. You have been weighed in scales of justice and found to weigh the same as a duck.
617. While cleaning out a closet in your parents' house, you found a book you took out from the town library in the 3rd grade and put it in the library return slot. After putting it in the return slot, you remember that you didn't return it earlier because the town library was founded by Asmodeus and the official late return policy includes terms like "eternal damnation" and "soul shall be forfeit".
|Turin the Mad|
625. The town cemetary is Boot Hill.
626. The town sherriff just un-retired, and you are reasonably certain that even with NPC gear,Sherriff Erp and his deputized adventuring buddies can shoot you with more bullets than you have hit points.
627. Red sashes are so last year's fashion.
628. A hemp necktie is not much of an improvement over a Columbian necktie.
632) a couple of guys who were up to no good
Started making trouble in your neighborhood
634) How were you to know if the mayor was a vampire or not if you didn't stake him?
636) You never looked like your parents, but that's because your father thinks the stork brought you. When you go to the local healer to lave that pesky growth on tour butt removed, you find out that its really a tail, and you'rea khobold.
633) So you can chase down the person who seems to refuse to use odd numbers when making a numbered list.
635) To get away from all the nut cases who keep babbling about you being the chosen one and how you have this great destiny.
637) Because the Hatfields and the McCoys have decided to put aside their differences long enough to hunt you down.
638) Because the hungering legion is on its way to town, and your nickname has always been "butterball".
639) During the past weeks, the locals have become increasingly aggressive, and their facial features distorted. Also, you can't help but think that those cracks in the ground (and the weird fumes coming out of them) have to be an ill omen.
640) Last night, you got laid with a local nobleman's daughter, whose wedding with another nobleman had been arranged for this very morning. Now there are soldiers at the door of your inn. Time to run, boy.
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647- You won the lottery. Of death.
648- rocks keep falling and killing people for no reason. Sticking around is dangerous.
649- You realise you have never been more than 10 miles from home. Time to find out what it's like.
650- You realise that instead of studying hard to learn things, you can just kill a few kobolds and suddenly you will be more knowledgable and skilled.
|Pepe, Murderhobo Professionnel|
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658. A guy with independently angry eyebrows, a guy with floppy hair and a little bow tie, a really patient-sounding green-suited man, and an energetic older gentleman all tumble out of the same mysterious blue box and invite you on the journey of a lifetime.
...They're the Twelfth, Eleventh, Eighth, and Third Doctors.
|Bill S. Preston, Esq.|
|Just a Mort|
|I'm Hiding In Your Closet|
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667. You live in a filthy city that:
• Practices societal racism towards the people who were here first.
• Takes pride in being a civic lackey of a self-destructive evil empire that doesn’t even care about the colony anymore.
• Is heir to a legacy of fate-tempting architectural stupidity, from turning the native burial grounds into sewers, to building an ugly castle atop an evil mastaba, to chipping away at said mastaba.
• Deliberately infested its ill-designed, clogged sewers with dangerous aberrations.
• Venerates a devil-worshipping queen who brought in said aberrations.
• Is utterly infested with imps.
• Is ruled by a lecherous wastrel whose heir is a bigoted harridan who succeeded purely on luck.
By Arshea, I love to hate the place. At least Scuttleport is honest about what it is. I suggest a mass evacuation.
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