Things you don't want to (but often do) hear the Dungeon Master say:

[Oladon]

99. "I'm sorry, <player name>."

100. "Who did you say took last watch?" (The last time I heard this one, it was followed by a dire tiger pouncing from the plains grasses upon our unfortunate bard, who lasted barely two rounds.)

[Irontruth]

101. [GMPC] I got this.

[vikingson]

102. "Dis-ser... how do you pronounce this ? Dis-inte-grate ? Whatever... this green beam strikes you"
103. "Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust... well at least you head didn't bounce about, right ?"

[GM Armadillephant]

I tell my PCs:

104: "Here's how being GM works: I'd say I'm god, except that I CONTROL THE GODS."

[Terquem]

105: "Yes that is correct, that is how it is supposed to work, in the Pathfinder Society League play, only this is not the Pathfinder Society now is it?"

[Haladir]

106. "Looks like someone didn't read the handout..." [rolls dice]

[Tiny Coffee Golem]

Irontruth wrote:

101. [GMPC] I got this.

This. 1000X this. I hate the uber powerful DMPC.

[Nymian Harthing]

107. "Will save!"

[Dorigin]

108 " I hope you still have some fate chips..."

[xanthemann]

109. LEEEEEEEROOOOOOY JEEEEENKINS!

[stormraven]

110. "Why don't you roll a d20 for me... and you wanna roll HIGH."
111. [post player roll] "Right. So... nothing seems to happen."

[Oladon]

112. "I'm hungry."

Edit: Arg, ninja'd by Stormraven!

[Orthos]

113. "I got a new book!"

[Madclaw]

114. In perfect Mr. Burns style, "Excellent."
115. "It could have gone worse, but not much."
116. "Well, at least <insert name of CN, overly greedy, self-centered PC here> is still alive."

[Pygon]

117. "Is there anything else you'd like to do before going down the stairs?"

(this is usually a hint that you better cast all your buffs now)

[xanthemann]

Orthos wrote:

113. "I got a new book!"

118. What do you mean you don't have this book....too, bad.

[Orthos]

Continuing the theme....

119. "No you can't use that, I don't have that book."

120. "Let me see that book."

121. "Who wrote this book?!"

122. "Core. Only."

[Scintillae]

123. [laughter]

[Orthos]

124. (Nothing at all. A silent GM is a plotting GM.)

[Terquem]

125. Wait a sec, I need the bigger mini's box.

[Laurefindel]

126. hehe, I was hoping you'd be doing that!

[_Cobalt_]

127. "You channel positive energy into the creature? Okay... (PC's roll) The creature's wounds close up, and three more come through the door on the other side of the room."

(What? It looked like a zombie!)

[Jiggy]

128. Is anyone sleeping with their armor on?

[Harark]

129. "Yep, you frenzied."

130. "Pvp is allowed."

131. "He's known as "The Butcher" for a reason."

Edit: Ninjas...

[Aardvark Barbarian]

132. "I know we're only halfway through the first module of the AP, but I lost my focus and can't keep running the game (or PbP)".

[g0atsticks]

133."Let me see your spell list."

[Turin the Mad]

134. You grabbed the big gem on the pedestal that wasn't trapped? Oh, too bad ... *slurping sound effects ensue* ... feel free to peruse trap the soul in the CRB.

[Tacticslion]

Tiny Coffee Golem wrote:

Irontruth wrote:

101. [GMPC] I got this.

This. 1000X this. I hate the uber powerful DMPC.

Usually when my GMPCs say that they don't last very long.

(I think it's called the "Warf Effect". And it's effective.)

[Orthos]

Tacticslion wrote:

Tiny Coffee Golem wrote:

Irontruth wrote:

101. [GMPC] I got this.

This. 1000X this. I hate the uber powerful DMPC.

Usually when my GMPCs say that they don't last very long.

(I think it's called the "Warf Effect". And it's effective.)

Worf, not Warf.

[Tacticslion]

Orthos wrote:

Worf, not Warf.

Dang, it, I'm dyslexic*! And I totally meant "Warf"**! They put my dead people out on piers all the time**!

* This is, in fact, very true, and has been traced to be the root of my poor spelling.

** This may, in fact, be very untrue, and may possibly even be a factual error or "lie", as it were.

In case it wasn't clear: bwahahah! I can't believe I did that!

[stormraven]

135. I'm going to need to borrow some d6s from you guys for this roll... :collects dice: I still need four more.

[Laithoron]

136. "Ah, good idea..." Usually muttered by the GM to himself during the course of paranoid players trying to figure out what dastardly doom he was about to unleash upon the party.

137. Silence, a smirk, and scribbling in a notebook during the musings of said paranoid players. God I love it when the fear I've instilled in my players causes them to cook up all sorts of good ideas for me! >:)

[Oladon]

Oladon does a quick comparison of Laithoron's profile with her DM's "known" one...

[Celestial Healer]

138. *rolls dice behind screen with no explanation whatsoever*

[darth_borehd]

138. You'll have to find out in-game.
139. I got these new critical fumble charts. . .

[Laithoron]

Oladon wrote:

Oladon does a quick comparison of Laithoron's profile with her DM's "known" one...

Haha, is that a good thing or a bad thing? :D

[cmastah]

140. Hey, look what I got! (waves tome of horrors)

[Oladon]

Laithoron wrote:

Oladon wrote:

Oladon does a quick comparison of Laithoron's profile with her DM's "known" one...

Haha, is that a good thing or a bad thing? :D

Items #136 and #137 just struck a little "close to home", is all. ;) When I showed your post to our DM, his response was an amusingly guilty "What? I never do that! :P"

[Laithoron]

Oladon wrote:

Items #136 and #137 just struck a little "close to home", is all. ;) When I showed your post to our DM, his response was an amusingly guilty "What? I never do that! :P"

Haha, that's awesome! Any of you going to be at DragonCon? Be cool to meet my long lost twin (I wonder which of us would be the evil one). ;)

[Oladon]

Oh, I doubt you can beat Count Buggula in terms of evilness. Unfortunately, we won't be making D*C... so we'll have to make do with comparing stories of evilness (though I think you might be a little biased). ;)

[darth_borehd]

140. I have a few house rules for you to read <100+ pages hit the table>

[xanthemann]

Wait till you see what the Drow have been up to this time!

[Laurefindel]

142. Okay guys, we'll resume the fight where we left it last week. Where were we again? Oh yeah, it was the dragon's turn to act...

[xanthemann]

143. You see a treasure chest, just sitting in the middle of the road. No, no one else is around.

[Laithoron]

144. The Princess you are guarding says, "Oh, let's head into the city to do some shopping!"

[xanthemann]

145. You saved the princess! Oops! She is in a different castle. Try again. (you know it's bad when the GM starts using plots from Mario)

[Poldaran]

146. Nope, I don't have anything prepared for this week.

[Irontruth]

147. Odin calls Huginn and Muninn to him. He snaps their necks, drinking their power so he can use it to crush you.

I said that, or something pretty similar, 3 times while running games at GenCon.

148. Party member: Lets spread out so we can cover more ground.
DM: With your blood... oh, was that out loud?

[darth_borehd]

149. Just changing a few mechanics here: All ties go to the defender, so you must hit the AC + 1 to hit opponents, some rolls will use d% by multiplying DC and bonuses by 5, Armor now provides DR but only against certain weapons as per the chart, we will use 2nd edition weapon speed for initiative, consult this AC modification chart for dodging/blocking/parrying rule, and on, and on, and on. . .

[xanthemann]

150. Your characters wake up and realize it was all a dream.