Conan:The Musical

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Just because Haladir hates it. Much like story games and whatnot, our goal is to put together a musical line by line. I'll start:


Vicious Chicken of Bristol as the Narrator.

Narrator: "The sun rises on the Hyborian plains. Conan, Barbarian from Cimmeria, rides forth boldly, seeking new adventure."

Dibs on Audience:

Audience: ...

Audience member #2: "Where are the cheetos?"

Scarab Sages

Theatre Vendor: I haven't got any cheetos, just this bloody albatross.
*continues to stroll the aisles*

Pantomime Horse: "Sorry. I'm seem to have stumbled into the wrong skit."

"Conan rides forth...Hey, Conan, where the hell are you?"

Out he jumps, freshly oiled, with his furry shorts steaming under the stage lamps.

"Oh, by Crooom
Here I ooom
Eating up this giant seabird, om nom nooom"

"Conan..."Adjusts spectacles"Yeah, that's the guy...Conan turns to his Aquilonian companion. No, not that one...the love scene is later! The one with the sword! I didn't mean that kind of "sword". Yes, that person is a woman! I'm sure she's pretty in a different light. No, to your left. Yes, that Aquilonian companion. He turns to his companion and says:"

Conan: "Here we are
In Shadizar"

Diana: "Will you polish my chainmail bra?

Conan: "No not now, although your bust
Should reg'larly be cleansed of rust"

Diana: "I can't fight eldritch villany
In oxidising lingerie! IN OXIDISING LIN-GER-IE!!!"

(A chorus line of Stygian sorcerers enters, singing:)

audience: ... *cough*

audience: "whisper" I thought this was going to be action packed, not singing *goes up the steps, and walks out the door.*

Evil Producer: Bwahaha! Such an epic failure! We won't even make it to intermission! I can taste the insurance money now.

audience: Hey, down in front! Shut up, I paid for a show, I'm going to get a goshdarn show.

Evil Producer: Dang it! This is worse than Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark. Go home, already.

*Ahem* "Conan and, entourage made their way across the vast plain. At midday, he was confronted by a man of villainy and evil. Wait a minute!"

"Who wrote this? A 6 year old? I am not reading this anymore! Oh...really? Where'd you get those pictures? Yeah...yeah...No, I understand."

"At midday, Conan was confronted by 'a man of villainy and evil'. Evil villain? Hey, evil villain, this is your cue!"

The Exchange

Audience Member #67.4615672: I'm not even half the man I used to be... Until I saw this...

Audience Member 62 1/3: "Hey! What's the big idea? Where's the funny guy from late night television?"

Boy in Audience: "Daddy, why is Conan and his...entourage...wearing booty shorts and leather gogo boots?"
Dad in Audience: "I don't know, son. I just don't know."

Evil villain: "Wo ho ho haa! Wo ho ho! Wa ha ha ha haa!

"I'm Meret-Ptah from Stygia
Across the salty pond
I've come to summon squamous terrors
From the Great Beyond, and then.."


"I'm... going... to... WASH Co-nan right out of my

(ad nauseum, as if we haven't reached that stage already...)

Scarab Sages

Another Evil Villain: *enters from other side of stage*
From the depths of thine closet I stir!
I'm worse than Mao, Cecil Rhodes, and Hit-lerrr!
From beyond the pale I riiide
to turn all the world to the DARK SIIIIDE!

I take stuff without asking permission,
use power tools without supervision,
I tip just 5 per cent
and eat filet minion all through LENT!

"The evil villain (not Conan singing someone else's lines) draws his weapon, ready to challenge the barbarian to a deadly duel."

"No, no Westside Story music, we could get sued. I don't care if you think it's funny."


Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Writer: Dang Evil Producer; He just had to have that at the beginning.

Conan flings his evil Stygian villain glove puppet aside, faces the villain, and stands ready to do battle!

"By Crom, Mr. Narrator, people often confuse me with Leonard Bernstein - we might just get away with it! Still, now is neither the time nor the place. As for you, scoundrelly villain, feel the full force of my steely thews, you cowardly dog! WAARGH!!"

(He brandishes his polearm. Cue music)

"My foes see life through a different prism
When they see me out with the guisarme
The guisarme with the spike on top!"

Scarab Sages

Evil Villain: Ohhh, what a pitiful weaaapon,
is that what a weapon you call?
Mayhap thou should seek the aid of
thine Stygian sorcerer-doll!

*whips out a golden fiddle and abruptly shifts tune*

Behold mine Fiendish Fiddle,
It takes 16 skill ranks to play!
With it in hand I'm able to cast
wail of the banshee once per day.
Make a Fortitude save, Conan!


2/3 of the Audience: "I voluntarily fail the FORT save! Kill me! KILL ME NOW!!!"

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Writer: At least the Evil Villain can actually play the Fiddle.

(Conan produces a banjo and joins in)

RinkydinkydinkydinkyDIDDLYdinkydinkydingdiddleinkydinkydinkydinky, etc.

Oh, your banshee may be wailing
But listen to me frailin'!
It's me y'all should be fearin'
I'm ragin' on this Deering!*
I've saved and saved on Fortitude, despite your evil naughtitude,
And this banjo's keen, so don't be mean -
x3 crit right in the BURGER-FLIPPIN' SPLEEN!! "

* Deering might be a make of banjo, a make of tractor, or neither of those two things.

Scarab Sages

Evil Villain:*doubles over*
OW! Thee've rent mine...spleen...'tis true...
Thank Evil I have TWOOOOO!!!
*adopts commanding stance*
Dispatch Conan for meeeee!

See! The dead arise at mine command!
Mine blackguards put you to the test!
Demons from the Nether-Land,
and Eastern assassins - the best!
Clockwork terrors I built myself,
many a hot and deadly dark elf,
here come werewolves, dark and beastly,
Jets and Sharks UNITE beneath me!
Killer tomatoes, can you stand it?
Communists from other planets!
Waves of football hooligans,
they'll ensure I'll rule again!
Mares from Diomedes' stable
now wear the Evil Villain label

Sic 'em boys!

Narrator: "As the evil master summons his minions, he is reminded that there are budgetary constraints. As such, only his most trusted and feared minion appears: the zombie Hasselhoff."

Producer: "Zombie Hasselhoff cancelled. We only have ghoul Stephanopolous."

"Seriously? Hang on..."*beep boop* "Yeah, it's me...Yeah, he cancelled...No, no I don't want him...Can you do it?...Great." *beep*

Narrator: "Where was I? Oh, yeah...As such, only his most trusted and feared minion appears: Dog, the Bounty Hunter."

*sigh* "He'll do anything for money."

Conan turns towards Dog, the Bounty Hunter, pouting in disgust as his nemesis takes time out to weedle on a lamp post and hump one of the chorus lines' legs.

"Ha! I do not fear your mullet
Or your sleeveless denim blouse
I'll battle-axe your gullet
Which WILL bring down the house!

You may go hunting bounties
But I am like the Mounties!
I always get my man
And live near Saskatchewan!"

(Conan decides to enliven the battle scene by bumping and grinding to, say, 'Rasputin' by Boney M for a couple of minutes, then drags Andrew Lloyd Webber on stage and changes tempo)

"Because I am....

I need help when waxing my hairy buns!"

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Writer: "Hey, stick to the script. No Ad-Libbing. There is no waxing, (not even poetically), in this script."

Dog, the Bounty Hunter:
"Conan, you gotta change your attitude
Cuz you're facing the big bad dude
I'm gonna be taking you down
For my master, the psycho clown
I'm the one and only Dog
Uhh...what rhymes with Dog?"

He pulls out a pineapple menacingly.

Narrator: "A great fight ensued between Conan and Dog. Blood sprayed like it was a Tokyo Shock film. In the end, Dog got his [redacted] [redacted] and a [redacted] [redacted] up his [redacted]."

"I have been slain, it is true
I never would've imagined it'd be you
I curse you, Conan, and your god, Crom
But the last laugh is mine, heh heh hom..."

Narrator: "Well, that was interesting...I mean, Conan had slain his opponent and, with the lust for battle in his eyes, turned to the evil villain full of villainy."

The Exchange

Audience member #41: This is terrible!

Audience member #40: This is Wonderful!


"Oh villain - what's your name?
Your hench-pooch has been slaim
He pulled out a pineapple
And invited me to grapple
In combats that are fruity
I sure can do my duty!

Now it's just you and me
And your auxiliary splee
n, you porridge-faced old gorgon
Have you any MORE spare organs?!"

Scarab Sages

Evil Villain: Woe to you....
Sure I do!


*Conan is bodyslammed from across the stage by a giant godsdamned spring-loaded heart*

"Once upon a time I was falling in love
But now I'm only falling apart

(Dung dung dung dung)

"Nothing I can doooo
Against your spring-loaded heart..."


Conan leaps to his feet, the potentially death-dealing blow having been deflected by his chest-mounted ablative Bonnie Tyler.

"Ha ha! Aroint ye, foul fiend! And while I find out what 'aroint' means, deal with THIS! Gettim, Bonnie!"

"Bonnie Tyler refused to do this musical. She said it would ruin her reputation. We did get Courtney Love though."

*flashes audience, screeches unintelligibly, cries and throws up on stage*

"Yup, definitely time for intermission..."

*gets the scotch*

Dark Archive

What kind of crap show did I just come to? Seriously, I thought I was in Cheliax, not the caves. *rage leaves*

The Vicious Chicken of Bristol wrote:
*gets the scotch*

Eddie the Stage Hand: " Umm, sir. I don't think you're allowed to tape people into their seats. Pretty sure that violates the fire code..."

Conan buttonholes the producer backstage.

" Courtney? COURTNEY?! How could you DO this to me? I'm an AH-tist! Damn it all, man, couldn't you even get Comely Grouter - An Affectionate Tribute to Bonnie Tyler? I mean, today's her night off from Hooters - she would have done it.... for me.... "

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: Sir? *whispers in Conan's Ear* Okay?

Conan: "Oh!"

*whispers in Jimmy's ear/knothole*

"...Remember, Vaseline, cream cheese, two of the *big* eggplants and don't forget to clean the blow-up Asmodeus...."

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: Yes sir. Should I use the disinfectant, or the Bleach?

"The bleach, Jimmy. You can use what's left over to help with your termite problem. I mean, I suppose it's none of my business, but how did you end up doing what you did to Pinocchio without using protection? Sheer madness, in this day and age"

Conan shakes his head ruefully, awaiting his five minute call to return to the stage

The Exchange

Jimmy the Stage Prop Tree: Step 1 was *Nudge Nudge Wink Wink* If you know what I mean. Step 2 was making her open the box. Step 3 was a little fuzzy, but Step 4 was profit. Also, your stage double went missing in a chainsaw accident and you'll have to do your own stunts. Stage directors give me the strangest jobs...

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