Dear Mr. Aberzombie ...


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A thread in which to pose all questions zombie to Mr. Aberzombie.

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

My girlfriend has always been a touchy feely kinda person, but recently her "love bites" have actually resulted in a loss of flesh. Could she be a zombie?

Also, if she is a zombie, what is the best way to disinfect these bite wounds?

Thanks!


Dear Zombie,

My friends have commented that I have, of late, developed a shambling gait. I find the remark insulting, but I do seem somewhat less coordinated.

I also seem to have a newfound taste for human flesh.

Should I be concerned?

Yours,
Pres. Harding


Have you heard of the boom on Mizar 5?


Mrgh Mrgh Mrgh,

Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh. Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh. Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh?

Mrgh mrgh,

Mrgh

Dark Archive

So brains- boiled or fried?

Sovereign Court

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

If a zombie falls in the woods and there are no humans to hear it, does it make a noise?

Scarab Sages

Smurf Licking Hippeh wrote:

A thread in which to pose all questions zombie to Mr. Aberzombie.

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

My girlfriend has always been a touchy feely kinda person, but recently her "love bites" have actually resulted in a loss of flesh. Could she be a zombie?

Also, if she is a zombie, what is the best way to disinfect these bite wounds?

Thanks!

There are any number of conditions that would result in someone biting to consume flesh - cannibalism, zombification, drug-induced belief that you're made of bacon, under the mental control of nanobots.....

You should always disinfect bite wounds, just to be safe. If she is a zombie, you're screwed anyway, since cleaning won't help.

Lastly, I'd like to show my appreciation to you for starting this thread. I'm touched. When the zombiepocalypse happens, if you're not already one of us, I promise we'll eat you last.

Scarab Sages

Good Warren G. Harding wrote:

Dear Zombie,

My friends have commented that I have, of late, developed a shambling gait. I find the remark insulting, but I do seem somewhat less coordinated.

I also seem to have a newfound taste for human flesh.

Should I be concerned?

Yours,
Pres. Harding

No concern is necessary. Welcome to the horde.

Scarab Sages

doctor_wu wrote:
Have you heard of the boom on Mizar 5?

Does it have anything to do with those five midgets dressed as zebras I found on my front lawn this morning?

If yes, then I know nothing.

If no, then I might know something, but I can't tell you or I'd have to kill and eat you.

Scarab Sages

MrGH wrote:

Mrgh Mrgh Mrgh,

Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh. Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh. Mrgh mrgh mrgh mrgh?

Mrgh mrgh,

Mrgh

Blrgh.

Scarab Sages

ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?

Baked.

Scarab Sages

zylphryx wrote:

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

If a zombie falls in the woods and there are no humans to hear it, does it make a noise?

Tuesday.


What is the best weapon to use against a zombie horde?

Scarab Sages

The Mad Badger wrote:
What is the best weapon to use against a zombie horde?

Paper and lemon juice. Give us paper cuts and pour the lemon juice on it. Wicked painful.

Shadow Lodge

What are your benefits like?


Good Warren G. Harding wrote:

Dear Zombie,

My friends have commented that I have, of late, developed a shambling gait. I find the remark insulting, but I do seem somewhat less coordinated.

I also seem to have a newfound taste for human flesh.

Should I be concerned?

Yours,
Pres. Harding

Loser.


Evil Grover Cleveland wrote:
Good Warren G. Harding wrote:

Dear Zombie,

My friends have commented that I have, of late, developed a shambling gait. I find the remark insulting, but I do seem somewhat less coordinated.

I also seem to have a newfound taste for human flesh.

Should I be concerned?

Yours,
Pres. Harding

Loser.

*eats brain*


Aberzombie wrote:
ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?
Baked.

Do you do, like, a casserole? Or is it more like a roast? Do brains produce adequate juices for basting, or do you have to add some? Have you tried encasing one in a pastry crust, like beef wellington?


Dear Aberzombie,

Is it too late for me to change my mind and become a Zombie instead of a Ghost?

I am hoping to be able to restart my acting career but I am finding it difficult to do so as a Ghost, we just don't show well on film.


That's a badass avatar, Greg! Although, personally, I think you look more live Clive Owens.


or Kevin Spacey?

AZ if I wanted to be less apealing to zombies as food what should I do?

Scarab Sages

Orthos wrote:
What are your benefits like?

That depends on how attached one is to breathing.

Scarab Sages

Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?
Baked.
Do you do, like, a casserole? Or is it more like a roast? Do brains produce adequate juices for basting, or do you have to add some? Have you tried encasing one in a pastry crust, like beef wellington?

I'm sorry, but these are all trade-marked secrets.

Scarab Sages

Ghost of Gregory Peck wrote:

Dear Aberzombie,

Is it too late for me to change my mind and become a Zombie instead of a Ghost?

I am hoping to be able to restart my acting career but I am finding it difficult to do so as a Ghost, we just don't show well on film.

If you've got enough of your rotting carcass left, then yes, you can become a zombie. It's not too late. Just possess a voodoo priestess and have her perform the necessary rituals over your moldering corpse.

As for not showing up on film well - I've heard of a formula that can be used on film to help your image show up better. I don't know the exact ingredients, but I do know some of them: Skittles, the sweat from a female emperor penguin, a strand of hair from a self-righteous douchebag, and two tablespoons of McDonald's coffee. If I recall correctly, there's a retired plumber living in New York City who knows the entire formula.

Scarab Sages

The Mad Badger wrote:

or Kevin Spacey?

AZ if I wanted to be less apealing to zombies as food what should I do?

Have your brain surgically removed. Either that, or travel only with people who are slower than you.


Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

What is the preferred caliber to use when fighting off the zombie horde?

Scarab Sages

Tha Revinuuer Man wrote:

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

What is the preferred caliber to use when fighting off the zombie horde?

It's really a personal preference, but if I were you I'd use a BB gun. Those things have a wicked sting.


Does the productivity of zombies go down over time?

Scarab Sages

Wilfredo dala wrote:
Does the productivity of zombies go down over time?

It depends on how well motivated they are. Personally, I've found a policy of "First Catch, First Taste" to be an excellent motivator.

Shadow Lodge

Aberzombie wrote:
Orthos wrote:
What are your benefits like?
That depends on how attached one is to breathing.

Let's say I'm good for going without, it opens up my options a bit.


Aberzombie wrote:
Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?
Baked.
Do you do, like, a casserole? Or is it more like a roast? Do brains produce adequate juices for basting, or do you have to add some? Have you tried encasing one in a pastry crust, like beef wellington?
I'm sorry, but these are all trade-marked secrets.

*sniff*

Back when I started the "Mmmm. Brains" thread I thought we could be friends...


Dear Aberzombie,

A certain zombie has been hitting on me and wanting some drgon love. Should I shoot him in the head or just bludgeon him to death?

Thanks,
A concerned Dragon


Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?
Baked.
Do you do, like, a casserole? Or is it more like a roast? Do brains produce adequate juices for basting, or do you have to add some? Have you tried encasing one in a pastry crust, like beef wellington?
I'm sorry, but these are all trade-marked secrets.

*sniff*

Back when I started the "Mmmm. Brains" thread I thought we could be friends...

*sign* "I miss that thread..."


Aberzombie wrote:
The Mad Badger wrote:

or Kevin Spacey?

AZ if I wanted to be less apealing to zombies as food what should I do?

Have your brain surgically removed. Either that, or travel only with people who are slower than you.

Thank you great advice.

Now I have heard flamethrowers are a great deterent for zombies is that true?


Grue in the Attic wrote:
Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
Casper the Brain-Eating Ghost wrote:
Aberzombie wrote:
ulgulanoth wrote:
So brains- boiled or fried?
Baked.
Do you do, like, a casserole? Or is it more like a roast? Do brains produce adequate juices for basting, or do you have to add some? Have you tried encasing one in a pastry crust, like beef wellington?
I'm sorry, but these are all trade-marked secrets.

*sniff*

Back when I started the "Mmmm. Brains" thread I thought we could be friends...
*sign* "I miss that thread..."

Pfft! We're undead! Nothing keeps us down.


Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

Can Hippehs be zombies or do they get shot in de head first.

Yur's fathfully,

Skyrum

Scarab Sages

Sharoth wrote:

Dear Aberzombie,

A certain zombie has been hitting on me and wanting some drgon love. Should I shoot him in the head or just bludgeon him to death?

Thanks,
A concerned Dragon

Is that cheesy 70s music I hear?

Scarab Sages

The Mad Badger wrote:

Now I have heard flamethrowers are a great deterent for zombies is that true?

Absolutely! But only if you're in a wooden structure or confined area.

Scarab Sages

Sky Wyrm wrote:

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

Can Hippehs be zombies or do they get shot in de head first.

Yur's fathfully,

Skyrum

Hippies can be zombies, but it's rare. Usually, they try to make peace with the horde and just get eaten. Occasionally one survives the bite long enough to turn, but these are the ones you usually find lagging behind everyone else or just staggering around aimlessly.


Dear Mr. Zombie:

Is there an undead equivalent to food poisoning? If you eat the brain of a horrible monster far removed from humanity, an Eagles fan for example, would you suffer ill-effects like decreased intelligence and increased tenedencies toward senseless violence?


Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

What are my chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse?

Scarab Sages

Bill Lumberg wrote:

Dear Mr. Zombie:

Is there an undead equivalent to food poisoning? If you eat the brain of a horrible monster far removed from humanity, an Eagles fan for example, would you suffer ill-effects like decreased intelligence and increased tenedencies toward senseless violence?

Being around a lot of Eagles fans (unfortunately) let me just say - thank all that's unholy we heartbeat challenged don't have a Consitution score.

Scarab Sages

Red Shirt #1 wrote:

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

What are my chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse?

Pretty good. In fact, I promise we'll eat you last.


Dear Aberzombie,
I am sure you must be a fan of the TV/Comic series "The Walking Dead", however even though I still have that human connection to the characters of the show I find myself rooting for the zombie horde. Let's face they are the real stars of the show..... hell they make the show what it is. Is it unnatural for me to feel this way? Plus is there any way you can ensure I get turned instead of eaten during the Zombieapocalypse?


What is with the facination with malls?


Dear Aberzombie,

What is you're response to this article?

Dark Archive

Aberzombie wrote:
Red Shirt #1 wrote:

Dear Mr. Aberzombie,

What are my chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse?

Pretty good. In fact, I promise we'll eat you last.

Dear Aberzombie,

I have heard you promise several people that they will be eaten last. Yet it can only be so for one. How do you intend to deliver on these promises?

Yours,
Stymied in Stygia


That's easy. He takes all those chosen for last, chops them up and makes a big ol' pot of chili con brain.


zomb,
I'm writing a book about a good zombie, that just wants to be held. He ends up impregnating a human wench who he is in love with; the zomb's in my world are vegatarians, and they sparkle in the sunlight; they're pretty much just like people; good looking youthful brooding people that just happen to be dead.
There's also a weredikdik, who vies for the wench's affections, and I'm hoping to get Justin Bieber to play the part.

Thinking about calling it Zone as an homage to Rod Serling. You like? Any pointers?


Dear Aberzombie,

I am curious if you might be interested in becoming the zombie spokesperson for my delicious seasoning blends. I know there are some zombies out there really concerned about their blood pressure and I want them to know there is an option other than salt when they crack open their next skull. Would you help me break into the zombie market?

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