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Why do people act this way?

hummina hummina, gulp, wha....

do you live in the USA? Do you participate in the culture at large?

Man, look if you were a teen age boy growing up in the US in the 1970's and 1980's you were taught, taught! that the greatest thing you will ever achieve is a threeway with two beautiful women. I'm sorry, but our culture force feeds us this nonsense constantly. There was even an episode of Just Shoot Me that hammered this concept home

it is sad, and wrong, but yes, very much part of our culture

That is why I think there is so much negative blow back to women who come out as bisexual these days, because there is this new trend to accuse women of saying they are bi, simply because the culture has finally started to acknowledge the force feeding of this "bi women are super hot and want to sleep with you and your girl" nonsense, which somehow means that a woman will claim she is bi to get a man to be interested in her

The accusations like this are just wrong, wrong, wrong, even if there is a tiny number of women who might be doing it.


Or perhaps just the more reasonable belief that since you're bi you'd be more open to the possibility than someone who was also in a relationship, but wasn't even interested in the same sex.


I don't see why a person, simply because they are bi, would be more interested in multi partner encounters - that's our culture talking


Strait male wants girl. Strait male has girl

Strait girl wants guy. Strait girl has guy.

Bi guy wants girl and guy.

Girl and guy is two things.

+5 target reaaally wants to believe this logic and ignore that the and should be an or.


People assume bi folks are into multiple partners during sexual encounters. This is usually untrue.


Terquem wrote:
I don't see why a person, simply because they are bi, would be more interested in multi partner encounters - that's our culture talking

No. It's logic.

Everyone is as likely to be interested in threesomes as anyone else (assuming the only variable here is straight/gay or bi).

If he is, a straight male will be interested in MFF threesomes
Straight female in MMF threesomes.

A straight couple doesn't have overlap there.

A bi male might be interested in either MFF or MMF, as might a bi female.

Therefore, a couple with a bi member is more likely to be interested than a straight couple. Doesn't mean they are, but the lack of desire to do sex stuff with someone of the same sex isn't the factor it would be with a straight couple.

Silver Crusade

5 people marked this as a favorite.

If that logic held up, threesomes should be most common among gay people, since attraction overlaps so easily.

But I still haven't gotten that MMM threesome. I want a refund.

Paizo Employee Senior Editor

6 people marked this as a favorite.
thejeff wrote:
Therefore, a couple with a bi member is more likely to be interested than a straight couple. Doesn't mean they are, but the lack of desire to do sex stuff with someone of the same sex isn't the factor it would be with a straight couple.

I'd maybe rephrase that as threesomes being less complicated to satisfactorily negotiate for interested couples that include one or more bi/pansexual folks than for straight couples.

Anyway, I hear your frustration, Ruik! It's creepy and gross when other people try to declare what you "really" want.


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Celestial Healer wrote:

If that logic held up, threesomes should be most common among gay people, since attraction overlaps so easily.

But I still haven't gotten that MMM threesome. I want a refund.

My suspicion is that it's still pretty rare.

You have to both want one in the first place.
You have to both want that particular other person as well.

Everyone being of compatible sexes just removes one factor.


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Celestial Healer wrote:


I still haven't gotten that MMM threesome. I want a refund.

I have! Except it's usually way, way, way more than three and I suck them all until they melt into delicious goo!

...O wait, you said MMMs not M&Ms.

...I'm hungry.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
Terquem wrote:

Why do people act this way?

hummina hummina, gulp, wha....

do you live in the USA? Do you participate in the culture at large?

Man, look if you were a teen age boy growing up in the US in the 1970's and 1980's you were taught, taught! that the greatest thing you will ever achieve is a threeway with two beautiful women. I'm sorry, but our culture force feeds us this nonsense constantly. There was even an episode of Just Shoot Me that hammered this concept home

it is sad, and wrong, but yes, very much part of our culture

That is why I think there is so much negative blow back to women who come out as bisexual these days, because there is this new trend to accuse women of saying they are bi, simply because the culture has finally started to acknowledge the force feeding of this "bi women are super hot and want to sleep with you and your girl" nonsense, which somehow means that a woman will claim she is bi to get a man to be interested in her

The accusations like this are just wrong, wrong, wrong, even if there is a tiny number of women who might be doing it.

yes its manly in the usa that this happens, in Europe when a girl is hitting on my wife and she tells them she is married,... they get this "THEY APPOLOGISE TO BOUTH OF US!!!" and ether walk away or ask how long we have been together and start a small conversation...wow respect for the relationship.

I just don't get it..but I guess I see your point about the way the BI{in a relationship ship} is seen as potentially more open...but f!+$ it is infuriating....and don't even get me started at the hate looks we get when some people (when we go to a LBGT thing) some act like we don't belong since we are together...why when the community to meant to be excepting to all that some want to discriminate on others who are not L/G

I guess some people just want to through hate at someone else since they had issues before. To us I feel like that is not helping anything, let people be who/with who they want to be with and don't hate on their relationship. I just cant understand why....you know ...it clear not all are like this but to the few who are why, just why do you want to through more hate out...

Sovereign Court

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion Subscriber
Yuugasa wrote:
Celestial Healer wrote:


I still haven't gotten that MMM threesome. I want a refund.

I have! Except it's usually way, way, way more than three and I suck them all until they melt into delicious goo!

...O wait, you said MMMs not M&Ms.

...I'm hungry.

...

Same.


Thanks for giving me a place were I could get that out ^_^

Liberty's Edge

Now put it back away, you're scaring the horses.

Silver Crusade

It's surprising and disappointing that the 'LGBT community' (if there is such a thing) seems to indulge in as much 'us versus them' amongst its constituent parts as does the rest of humanity. Oh, well.

I was once naive enough to imagine that if some Goths saw another Goth coming toward them, they would be like, 'Cool, another Goth!'

I've been informed that the reality is more like, 'They're not a real Goth!'

Silver Crusade

3 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
Judy Bauer wrote:
It's creepy and gross when other people try to declare what you "really" want.

THIS.


Malachi Silverclaw wrote:

It's surprising and disappointing that the 'LGBT community' (if there is such a thing) seems to indulge in as much 'us versus them' amongst its constituent parts as does the rest of humanity. Oh, well.

I was once naive enough to imagine that if some Goths saw another Goth coming toward them, they would be like, 'Cool, another Goth!'

I've been informed that the reality is more like, 'They're not a real Goth!'

That's actually a perfectly understandable reaction if you analyse their emotions. Psychologically speaking, it's during your teenage years where you begin to construct your own identity, and you begin doing so by separating yourself from the things that are familiar around you (hence the universality of teenage rebelliousness). The second part is the search for a place to belong, and for many people, the LGBT community is one of them (as is your example with the goths).

The problem comes when people get extremely attached to whatever they've chosen to build their identities. It becomes a very personal part of themselves that they guard very jealously because they've invested so much of themselves into it. When something challenges the status quo of whatever they're attached to, they react with anger and cruelty as a way to protect it.

It's not a good thing, mind you, but it does make sense. The best way to avoid this is to encourage people to look within themselves to find their uniqueness and identity, instead of relying on external factors to do so.


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Kalindlara wrote:
Yuugasa wrote:
Celestial Healer wrote:


I still haven't gotten that MMM threesome. I want a refund.

I have! Except it's usually way, way, way more than three and I suck them all until they melt into delicious goo!

...O wait, you said MMMs not M&Ms.

...I'm hungry.

...

Same.

omnomnom


10 people marked this as a favorite.

Just heard about the SCOTUS decision; WOOT!


1 person marked this as a favorite.

Whoohooo. Gay Marriage is legal in all 50 states!

Although the dissenting opinions from the conservative judges are full of the STUPID.


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Finally! Reason has prevailed :-)


Of course they are, but who gives a s~@+?

Today is a glorious day.


Cheers!


Riuk wrote:
why do people act this way!?

That's a really good question, ranked right up there with: "Why do straight males look at a good-looking lesbian and say "you can't be lesbian, you're too pretty!" or even worse "Oooh wow, I think lesbians are so hawt! Come on, let me join you two. It'll be really awesome, I promise!"

I think it's the same kind of underlying psychology in both cases, and I think there are two variations:

1) The psychology of stupid. The person asking is so monumentally daft that they can't actually tell just how offensive and unintelligent they are.

2) Cases of the personality disorder known as psychopathy, which is a LOT more prevalent in modern society than many people want to admit, and which manifests itself as:

- diminished empathic ability (the person in question does not understand that what he or she is saying is deeply offensive because the emotional spectrum of the person they are adressing does not exist or at least has no bearing or value in their world)
- lack of remorse, usually seen when they take offense to the fact that you find their suggestion abhorrent and/or frightening.
- a lack of inhibitions, which frankly is necessary to walk up to another person who is clearly in an existing relationship with someone else, in order to offer themselves as partners for coitus.

There are other symptoms, but these are typically in full display when someone makes that kind of suggestion.

For someone to think that their sexual gratification is in any way your responsibility or that it is in any way appropriate to make a suggestion of "Can I join in?" in whatever form, shows psycopathic tendencies, and I would calmly get up, then back away slooooowly from that person before leaving entirely.

And then I'd make a very deliberate effort to avoid that person in the future.

Asking someone in a committed relationship if they can join in, without ANY invitation having been extended, but just for their own kicks and because it gets them going to imagine this, quite simply shows such a lack of basic empathy that I'd be -seriously- concerned.

It also shows a profound lack of respect for your relationship and the nature of your sexuality and that of your wife.


WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shadow Lodge

7 people marked this as a favorite.
Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

I'm thrilled.

What this means for me is a little different than most. My wife and I are already married, and our marriage was already recognized in the state we live in, even though they don't recognize same-sex marriage...because when we married I was still legally male.

What this means for me is that I can now change my gender marker on my passport and birth certificate, without worrying about having to prove my former gender.


pH unbalanced wrote:

I'm thrilled.

What this means for me is a little different than most. My wife and I are already married, and our marriage was already recognized in the state we live in, even though they don't recognize same-sex marriage...because when we married I was still legally male.

What this means for me is that I can now change my gender marker on my passport and birth certificate, without worrying about having to prove my former gender.

Yay!

Scarab Sages

Great news! Congrats to reason and common sense, you are both awesome!

Silver Crusade

3 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Oh what a day! WHAT A LOVELY DAY!

Sczarni

8 people marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Starfinder Society Subscriber

HAPPY MARRIAGE EQUALITY!!

Paizo Employee Senior Editor

13 people marked this as a favorite.

We woke up this morning even more married than we were last night. (Which seems like a good way for a marriage to go, on the whole!)

There might have been shouts of ¡GOOOOOOOOOOOOL! :P


Riuk wrote:

ok I have a question....my wife is BI and i am pan

we have been together for 11 years as female and male

why do some lesbians and other bi people {and especially CIS people} think that just because she is bi that means we would be totally happy to have a three-way...We DONT WANT THAT i just want to be with her...yes she and i have a wider sexual preference than just male/female but tat dose not mean we are ok with any of your advances. our relation ship is completely monogamist !!!

why when a girl hits on my wife in front me and she tell her im her husband they act and say "oh he dose not mind i bet this is getting him off"

B@*#$ step away i don't we don't like that yes my wife may find you attractive but we only want each other and no one else in our bedroom

why do people act this way!?

Because a*+!$@&s come from all walks of life.


Kryzbyn wrote:
Riuk wrote:

ok I have a question....my wife is BI and i am pan

we have been together for 11 years as female and male

why do some lesbians and other bi people {and especially CIS people} think that just because she is bi that means we would be totally happy to have a three-way...We DONT WANT THAT i just want to be with her...yes she and i have a wider sexual preference than just male/female but tat dose not mean we are ok with any of your advances. our relation ship is completely monogamist !!!

why when a girl hits on my wife in front me and she tell her im her husband they act and say "oh he dose not mind i bet this is getting him off"

B@*#$ step away i don't we don't like that yes my wife may find you attractive but we only want each other and no one else in our bedroom

why do people act this way!?

Because a&$@*!@s come from all walks of life.

Many people tragically misunderstand the difference between bisexuality and Multiamoury/Polyphelia.


Indeed! Grats on equality ya'll!


Soilent wrote:
Kryzbyn wrote:
Riuk wrote:

ok I have a question....my wife is BI and i am pan

we have been together for 11 years as female and male

why do some lesbians and other bi people {and especially CIS people} think that just because she is bi that means we would be totally happy to have a three-way...We DONT WANT THAT i just want to be with her...yes she and i have a wider sexual preference than just male/female but tat dose not mean we are ok with any of your advances. our relation ship is completely monogamist !!!

why when a girl hits on my wife in front me and she tell her im her husband they act and say "oh he dose not mind i bet this is getting him off"

B@*#$ step away i don't we don't like that yes my wife may find you attractive but we only want each other and no one else in our bedroom

why do people act this way!?

Because a&$@*!@s come from all walks of life.

Many people tragically misunderstand the difference between bisexuality and Multiamoury/Polyphelia.

Some people are keenly aware of it, and still act like asshats anyway.


Kryzbyn wrote:
Soilent wrote:
Kryzbyn wrote:
Riuk wrote:

ok I have a question....my wife is BI and i am pan

we have been together for 11 years as female and male

why do some lesbians and other bi people {and especially CIS people} think that just because she is bi that means we would be totally happy to have a three-way...We DONT WANT THAT i just want to be with her...yes she and i have a wider sexual preference than just male/female but tat dose not mean we are ok with any of your advances. our relation ship is completely monogamist !!!

why when a girl hits on my wife in front me and she tell her im her husband they act and say "oh he dose not mind i bet this is getting him off"

B@*#$ step away i don't we don't like that yes my wife may find you attractive but we only want each other and no one else in our bedroom

why do people act this way!?

Because a&$@*!@s come from all walks of life.

Many people tragically misunderstand the difference between bisexuality and Multiamoury/Polyphelia.

Some people are keenly aware of it, and still act like asshats anyway.

Takes all kinds, I suppose.


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The Alkenstarian wrote:


Asking someone in a committed relationship if they can join in, without ANY invitation having been extended, but just for their own kicks and because...

Depends on the culture. It's awfully rude and self-centered to assume that every community is monogamous and shares your personal set of taboos about how sex is supposed to happen between consenting adults. There are cultures where polite invitations to join in fun of that nature are friendly rather than disrespectful.

The issue is not making those invitations when you know you are among people who have weird taboos on the subject and who are likely to become upset or offended. Knowing when you're in that cultural context and refraining from violating their taboos is obviously important. It's a 'when in Rome' issue. You also wouldn't want to offer a ham and lobster sandwich to an observant Jew at a bar mitzvah. That would be rude. Not because ham and lobster sandwiches are bad, but because you offered it in the wrong place to the wrong person and violated their taboo.

Social sensitivity to other people's taboos is NOT the same thing as being a psychopath if you do not happen to share them. It would be a lot more accurate to suggest that you should be aware of what the local taboos are before making any offers that may violate them and upset people. It doesn't matter if it's sex or a sandwich. Though people tend to get a lot more freaked out and judgmental about sex, and are a lot faster to make assumptions that their personal set of taboos has to be universal to everyone. News flash: they aren't, and it's rude to assume that they are while insulting people and cultures who don't do it your way.

Yes, it's rude bordering on unreasonable harassment to make those invitations at a Christian church social or in the workplace. It would be equally rude to freak out at such an invitation, expressed courteously, if you were attending an alternative lifestyle event.


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Indeed.
I normally subscribe to "never assume malevolence when ignorance will suffice" but in cases of this kind, people are all too aware of how stereotypes lessen or trivialize people, especially those of different lifestyles.
So, then, I have to assume it's on purpose.


The sort of behavior you described can be especially prevalent in the BDSM community. Though internal community policing keeps people like this under control more often than not, they can certainly muck up other people's lives very easily with this behavior.


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Grats on the marriage issue.


I used to date a gal who had been with women before. Her friends assumed that therefore I'd be down with whatever.

Nope.

While it was rude, and really not that big of a deal, it did open my eyes on how sometimes the folks in those communities can be their own worst enemies.


Riuk wrote:

ok I have a question....my wife is BI and i am pan

we have been together for 11 years as female and male

why do some lesbians and other bi people {and especially CIS people} think that just because she is bi that means we would be totally happy to have a three-way...We DONT WANT THAT i just want to be with her...yes she and i have a wider sexual preference than just male/female but tat dose not mean we are ok with any of your advances. our relation ship is completely monogamist !!!

why when a girl hits on my wife in front me and she tell her im her husband they act and say "oh he dose not mind i bet this is getting him off"

B#*&~ step away i don't we don't like that yes my wife may find you attractive but we only want each other and no one else in our bedroom

why do people act this way!?

Either they're making bad assumptions, or - much less likely - you're hanging out at swinger's parties and poly speed dating events. As it is highly unlikely that you're doing the latter thing by accident, it's a lot more likely that people are making bad assumptions.

Bisexual and pansexual is not the same thing as being polyamorous or a swinger. Which are ALSO very different things, but that's a whole other kettle of fish to fry. You can be pansexual and neither poly nor a swinger, or be heterosexual and both things. Asking politely is the only way to find out, and it's not always appropriate in all social contexts even to ask.

If poly or swinging or both is a lifestyle you consent to, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it's going to be pretty normal for people to issue "join us" invitations within that community. Though even there, if they do it rudely it's going to be a problem. If you are not voluntarily participating in those communities? Probably a bad idea for people to assume that you consent to explicit sexual invitations, at least not without politely asking first about your relationship status. Just knowing your orientation does not count as consent to being hit on.

But to make a devil's advocate argument, the standards about when it is or isn't rude to ask politely if someone wants to enjoy sex with you really do need to be applied equally. Is it rude for a cisgendered man to hit on a cisgendered woman in a random social situation, assuming he does so with reasonable courtesy and is not crude, threatening or harassing? Most of society doesn't think so. In fact our whole culture seems to be built around this trope. How about for a transgendered woman to do the same with a cisgendered woman? How about for a transgendered man to make this invitation to a couple? A cisgendered man to a cisgendered man? I could go on, but you get the idea.

The problem here is that people can react with absolute rage and hate and even violence if you violate their taboos about being asked for sex. Even if the same standard of polite or rude would not apply if you were privileged to be a cisgendered heterosexual man hitting on a cisgendered heterosexual woman.

It's a subject worth thinking about long and hard. Would the invitation be offensive if it were being made by a cis/het man to a cis/het woman in the same social context? If not, maybe think about why it is rude because it was made to or from a different combination of genders and orientations without making any automatic assumptions about your personal relationship rules.


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Marriage equality, yo! Be happy!

Just remember to be safe, though. Lots of people are unhappy with this decision and acts of violence against the Queer community will most certainly increase over this decision.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom, though. This is progress, and progress is good. It shows that things can change for the better.


As a cis heterosexual male, the world can be an ugly place sometimes when one has to choose between a closed mouth going hungry and an open one inviting a loss of teeth. That said, I am a strange man, raised in a strange household, and I go to strange places. I am also older now- a lot of things that are considered commonplace (or on their way to being commonplace) were simply nonexistent or hard to find when I was growing up.


My first wife was omnisexual and very interested in BDSM. A number of people assumed that I was as well, or was interested in all sorts of different play.

Now while I didn't mind the invitations (which were few), what bothered me more was once they were told I wasn't into the scene I was utterly ignored while they enticed her for sex or play.

Some people are just rude, regardless of what your proclivities or situation and you have to be willing to either explain your stance or deal with a great deal of rudeness and assumption. Likely both, and deal with some hostility as well when you aren't interested in their advances.

Dunno, I've never been one to approach others for sex unless we're dating or things are much further along than "I hear you like X. Wanna do it?"

Editted to add: Happy Marriage Equality. I spent the morning explaining to my sons why this was an important day in their lives and what it means.


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Just saw the news about the courts decision. Very happy about this. :) Now, hopefully this signifies a watershed, and won't be blown away once Bush 3 comes into power.


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Yaaa for everyone !!!! I have gotten 5 calls today from friends inventing me to their weddings ^_^

and on my

post earlier

no we don't go the places that people with that life style are in, it fine that they are into that but we are not

what I mean is when anyone dose that we get angry for once she or I say we only want to be with other and no one else that when and as I said this only happens when we are in America they get rude and act like we should be grateful for the invite, but in Europe and I have been in Belgium for some time now they actually apologies for asking and are polite don't act like a$*!~!%s about us asking them to stop that.

its not we she or I invite this action the thing that angers us so much is when the offending party acts like we are lying about how much that insulted us...


Congratulations, everyone! The news is so fantastic. I hope you can all celebrate with the people you love. The world feels like a brighter and happier place today.


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Masked Maiden wrote:
Just saw the news about the courts decision. Very happy about this. :) Now, hopefully this signifies a watershed, and won't be blown away once Bush 3 comes into power.

It won't be. Not in the near term and not without a significant reversal of trends of public opinion. Supreme Court decisions can't be easily changed politically and aren't lightly reversed even by later Courts.

Nothing's 100% set in stone, but this is basically as close as it gets.

Better than I was expecting too. I thought they'd punt and only rule on states having to recognize out of state marriages and we'd have to wait another couple years for another case to get a full ruling. Pleasantly surprised. :)

Now on to employment discrimination.


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Riuk wrote:
its not we she or I invite this action the thing that angers us so much is when the offending party acts like we are lying about how much that insulted us...

Have you thought about the reasons why you feel insulted when someone asks to share sex with you?

I totally get it if one of the reasons is that they are asking in a rude or vulgar way, or if they are obviously making the bad assumption that being bisexual is the same as being a swinger. Or if you are in a social context where anyone making any kind of sexual invitation is inappropriate, like at work or in church. Those are very good reasons to be insulted. Nobody should be subject to that kind of thing in a professional environment, or in a place where it's obvious that they don't consent to be asked.

But, if you are in a social situation where it would be totally okay for a heterosexual man to politely ask a heterosexual woman to be intimate with him, **how is it actually different** for someone to ask a couple the same thing?

Monogamy is just not a safe or reasonable default assumption. It's cool if you are, but it's also cool if other people aren't. And no one automatically knows which you are without asking. If the reason you feel insulted is that you believe that everyone is supposed to be monogamous and that you expect it to be a default assumption about everyone's relationship, that may be worth some rethinking.

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