Dialogue you won't hear from Conan the Barbarian


Enough of what the Hulk doesn't say let here what Conan wouldn't say.

Instead of fighting lets talk out our differences over a nice glass of Zinfandel.

Away busty wench I'm saving my virginity for marriage.

That sorcerer is too powerful let's pillage elsewhere.

Sorcerer's have always been a lovable bunch.

I have bedded every wench for a hundred leagues...any ointment for this terrible burning sensation?

Valeria! Put your clothes on you shameless hussy!

CHUCK NORRIS?! WHERE?! {runs away in panic}

Sovereign Court

Don't Hurt me, I didn't mean to offend you (as he cowers in front of a 90 weakling of a ruler with a plastic sword)

(Stands at the prow of a ship with Belite their arms spread out like wings) I am the king of the World!

You are OH So Hot! (As he drools over Thoth Amon)

Paizo Employee Chief Technical Officer

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I have completed my tax return.

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16

The pen is mightier then the sword.

Slow down, woman. Don't you think we should get to know eachother first?

{clickety-clacks on old IBM keyboard} The Perl is mightier than the sword.

Liberty's Edge

Pathfinder Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber

Not tonight, I have a headache.

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I still can't believe I became the Governator!

The following exchange would certainly fit into this thread. Except Conan actually did say it (according to Tor, who published Conan -
Scourge of the Bloody Coast
, by Leonard Carpenter).

“The view of the stars is better here, too,” Conan remarked, drawing her close again and gazing skyward. “Would that my topmast could reach this high when I try to navigate on a foggy evening.”

“I’ll raise your topmast, and I’ll fill your sails for you,” she bragged eluding his grasp and standing upright on the paves. “First, let’s strike some of this extra canvas.” Reaching to the back of her gown, she loosened it and let it slip down around her bare ankles.

“Then stand ready to grapple and board,” he muttered hoarsely, lunging to his feet after her.

Minor rant: As you can imagine, some Conan pastiches are better than others. And you might not know that unlike with most authors, the 'authorized' stories by other writers are considered equal in authenticity with Robert E. Howard's originals.

There are 60 'real' Sherlock Holmes stories; written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. They are the Canon. The thousands of Holmes stories written by other authors are pastiches; unofficial, if you will.

The folks who own Conan, however, say that the dreck written by some of their hand picked authors are just as important as Howard's tales. Even if they don't make sense, like Robert Jordan's novelization of the first Schwarzenneger Conan movie.

Money talks.

"My favorite class is bard."

♫♫...Why can't we be friends, Why can't we be friends...♫♫

Sovereign Court

JEHOVAH! (Instead of CROM!)

(Sung by Conan) I can bring home the bacon, Fry it up in the pan, and never, ever let him forget he's a Man, Cause I'm a Woman!

To be or Not to be, That is the question!

Sovereign Court

I'm Conan, Conan the Barbarian (Done in a Forest Gump type voice)

Life is like a box of Choco-letes

I was thinking of settling down, you know. Maybe meet a nice Shemite girl and open a shop on the Black Coast, selling spices and chickens and shovels. You know, maybe do some gardening.

Wearing a fluffy apron, "I made quiche loraine for brunch!"

{engrossed in paperback} Oooo, will she choose Edward or Jacob? {swoons}

{shuffles stack of papers} And now time for your emails and tweets...

Scarab Sages

Does my axe (ass) look big in this LOL

Scarab Sages

Standing on the battlefield, drenched in blood, the 'liberated' sacrificial virgin placed over his shoulder, just having washed the bitter taste of blood from his mouth with finest mead from the spoil of the battle:
"Sometimes I wonder, isn't there more to life than this?"

Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: To love your enemies, see them go through the gate of paradise, and to strongly support gender equality.

I ... I feel like ... singing!

I'd like to trade this tuxedo in for a larger one, please.

Okay, Conan Jr, that's it! Two minutes in time out!

Could you please keep it down? I'm reading the Hunger Games.

Want to play chess?

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