Dedicated Voter Season 6
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Why bother running the thread every year to cover the same points? Just point to the thread from a prior year, or a blog post, or your podcast, and let those willing to learn learn it there. I really don't see what there is to be gained by retreading old ground just for the sake of people who would rather win an argument than the contest.
Just remember why you do this. Haters gonna hate.
For the record, I don't hate. I was blowing off some steam, and it was in the wrong forum for doing so. For that I apologize. Neil, I won't bother this thread anymore.
I think the judges overall are doing a very fine job.
And I'm becoming increasingly disenchanted with the whole thing.
Why? You are very passionate about this and you try to help people. Don't let a few sore losers get you down. Can't make everyone happy. You just got to let stuff like that roll off your back.
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Neil, you're a champ, I really appreciate the time that you and the other judges put into this contest. I would hate to see any of the judges get burnt out by the negative people that can't help from being the short form of Richard in these forums, you guys deserve better than that. The silent majority needs to speak up and express their gratitude that you would take any time to help them become better designers. I'm learning a ton from your posts and I can already see the improvement in my practice attempts. I've explained this contest to several non-gamers and every time they give the same look and say the same thing, "they do that for free?". The chance to get feedback on my one 'freethrow' is amazing within itself, but the chance to learn from everyone's freethrow is unprecedented. Keep up the great work, don't let 0.01% that complain have an influence, the entire gaming community is growing stronger from your efforts. Time is the most precious commodity, I truly appreciate every minute you put into this contest, thank you.
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Neil, you're a champ, I really appreciate the time that you and the other judges put into this contest.
Time is the most precious commodity, I truly appreciate every minute you put into this contest, thank you.
+1
and to add: this year the feedback, or to use a better word 'complaints', seem to be worse than previous years. People just don't seem to realize the pearls of wisdom they can glean from the process, which then can be used in next years competition.
I value Neil's advice, it has made me a better writer / designer.
Or to summarize: yes, your item was rejected. Freelancing is all about dealing with rejection.
Read => Learn => Improve.
Cloak of the North Star
This is kind of a bland name. To me, it immediately makes me think it's going to be an item dealing with compass points and the ability to use know direction. Once I get into the item's description, it starts out matching that image. Normally, that's a good thing. You want your item's description to deliver on the promise held forth by its name. But, this particular image/idea just isn't sexy enough to get excited about for RPG Superstar. So, it was disappointing to find that your lead-off power (which ought to be your most compelling cool factor) was a constant know direction effect. That's boring.
Now, after reading further, it finally becomes clear this cloak can do something infinitely more interesting than just tell you the location of "true north." And that should have been the focus for both the item's core concept and its name. Instead of calling it the cloak of the north star, I would have called it a cloak of repositioning and dropped the know direction and water walk abilities altogether. Neither of them which are exciting in any way whatsoever for consideration as a Superstar-caliber design.
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
The aura for this item is really complex to determine. The highest level spell effect used in its construction requirements involves water walk. So, transmutation makes sense for that. But, the cloak's primary ability (based on its name and the first power you describe) would reach for divination with know direction instead. Then, you've got some conjuration with the unseen servant angle. And, the crowning power of adjuring step relies on abjuration. So, what should you use?
This is probably your first indication that you've gone too far with the SAK aspects of your item design. These powers represent way too many disjointed things mish-mashed into a theme you hoped would unify them. But they really don't come across that way. Instead, the cloak is a grab bag of powers, all of which a particular character concept might find useful if that's their schtick. But Superstar wondrous item design should focus on a clear purpose that maximizes its applicability and attractiveness to as many character classes as possible. I think this design lost focus of that by trying to join too many varied spell effects from different class lists together.
Additionally, since adjuring step is the primary "gem" among the powers this cloak provides, the aura should probably be abjuration. And maybe a dash of transmutation could be included, too. It just depends on what else you wanted to frame around it.
As for the caster level, that too seems off to me. Even the highest level spell effect in the construction requirements (i.e., water walk as a 3rd level spell) only requires a 5th level caster to produce. Sometimes, it makes sense to advance the CL of an item beyond its base, but I didn't really see a need here for that.
Slot shoulders; Price 56,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Slot makes sense for a cloak. Weight is fine. Price is a bit high, so this cloak's abilities had better be worth it for someone to forego so many other magic items by plunking down 56,000 gp on this thing.
Description
This full-length leather cloak has a large compass, with an eight-pointed star above it, imprinted on the back. Long leather horns fashioned like elven ears rise out of the cloak's upraised collar.
Kind of an odd description. Not entirely evocative or inspiring, but it certainly does the job of telling us what the cloak looks like. I didn't really care for the elf ears comparison...or how they "perk up" when an ally calls out to it.
The first benefit of the cloak is that the wearer always knows the location of true north.
When designing a wondrous item...and especially for RPG Superstar...always lead with your best stuff. Is the ability to always know the location of true north the best this cloak has to offer? No, it's not. This is an ancillary power, at best.
As a swift action, the wearer can mentally picture one of the eight compass points, causing the cloak to animate and, through an undulating motion of leather, carry the wearer 5 feet in that direction. This movement does not provoke attacks of opportunity, ignores difficult terrain and works whether the wearer is standing, sitting or prone.
This ability comes off as a little metagamey, but it's founded on the adjuring step effect and touches on a movement-based mechanic that could prove useful in a variety of encounters. Apparently, you get to do this ability every round as often as you like, though. And I think that goes a bit too far with it. Ignoring difficult terrain and moving so easily even when prone or sitting seems a bit much, too.
This ability does not work if the wearer is grappled, but so long as the cloak itself isn’t restrained movement may be possible in other cases, subject to GM discretion.
If you ever find yourself typing out the words "subject to GM discretion" or "at the GM's discretion"...stop. Wondrous item design should never go down that path. And that goes double for Superstar items. That kind of statement is essentially the lazy designer's way of saying, "Uh oh, thinking through all the corner cases for this item is hard and it'd take up too much word count to really examine everything...so, I'll just handwave it and say it's really up to the GM to decide if it works in a certain situation or not." Ask yourself if that kind of approach indicates you're a Superstar designer? It definitely does not. And the judges all pretty much universally reject any item that leaves a hole like this in its design.
When we use terms like "tight design" in describing a Superstar item, what we often mean is the mechanical considerations and how an item functions in play. It's as air-tight as the designer could make it. There are no unanswered questions left behind. The item's use won't be causing arguments at the game table between players and GMs who each have different interpretations of how it works in a given situation. That's what "GM discretion" implies. The GM gets to interpret how he wants it to work, even though the player may interpret it differently. And Superstar item designs shouldn't be propping up that kind of conflict.
Additionally, an ally within 30' of the wearer can, as a standard action, speak one of the eight compass directions followed by the word "star", at which point the "ears" on the cloak perk up as if listening and then the cloak dutifully carries the wearer 5 feet in the indicated direction as if the wearer had activated the ability herself.
Alright, this got hokey real fast. Giving allies the ability to effectively "use" a wondrous item even though they aren't the ones wearing it, is just bad design. Magic items function for their owner/wearer. They don't put out a sensory network for detecting the commands and needs of others and then respond to them.
Additionally, it's "30 feet"...not 30'. You're improperly referencing game terminology here...which is odd, because you know enough to obviously say 5 feet when you're talking about the cloak wearer's movement. I always see a lot of designers use the lazy ' hash-mark to designate feet. And, while that might be a useful shorthand way of saving words in everyday life, it's not how the game designates distances. So, you need to break that habit.
In any event, the cloak can never move the wearer more than 5 feet in any round.
This is a vital piece of information to include. Otherwise, a whole chain of allies could keep moving this cloak wearer around the room like a chess piece on a chessboard.
Lastly, as a standard action, the wearer can gain the benefits of water walk. This effect lasts for a total of up to 10 minutes per day. This duration need not be continuous, but it must be used in 1 minute increments.
The addition of this power is just weird. What's water walk got to do with a cloak of the north star...or a cloak whose most interesting ability is a repositioning mechanic? Were you concerned someone was going to move the wearer 5 feet and they'd step into a water-filled square? The inclusion of this power just comes out of left field, has nothing to do with the item's theme or core focus. And it winds up making it feel like a SAK...and mostly a SIAC, as well, considering it's got a constant know direction, occasional water walk, and slightly more innovative interpretation of an adjuring step built into it.
Honestly, the most novel thing about this cloak is the adjuring step-like movement. But you overstretched what that spell is capable of doing. In fact, I think adjuring step was properly balanced by limiting much of what it can do as a 1st level spell. Your wondrous item smartly went beyond that...because, obviously, you want to avoid the SIAC...but then, you glommed on this other extraneous stuff...most of which is SIAC-ish. So, again, I think this item didn't find its core purpose and focus on its most innovative aspects. And even then, I think the innovative elements introduced here overshot the game balance that was purposefully built into adjuring step.
What I think could have served you better here was if you'd focused in on the adjuring step quality and made it your primary power. Then, ditch the "other allies can call you towards them" schtick. That's kind of annoying and unnecessary. Just let the adjuring step help reposition someone around the battlefield. Then, I'd have kicked your cloak into a higher gear by exploring more repositioning mechanics in the game. For instance, there's the new reposition combat maneuver you could have played around with. Or borrowed some ideas from the summoner's transposition ability with his eidolon and had that apply to the cloak wearer being able to swap places with his familiar, animal companion, or another ally. Or the Swap Places teamwork feat would have sufficed, as well...provided the cloak wearer could designate one ally to trade places with at time. Following that, limit those abilities to a certain number of times per day. Put a bow on it and you're done.
That kind of innovative packaging and playing around with "positioning" mechanics would then naturally lead to calling this the cloak of repositioning...and it would have allowed it to apply to the wearer (with adjuring step), his opponents with Improved Reposition maneuvers, and his allies with the Swap Places teamwork feat. You give us something with synergy like that...while maybe tweaking how one or two of those things functions so it slightly breaks a rule (without breaking the game)...and you'd have made Top 32 for sure.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, adjuring step, know direction, unseen servant, water walk; Cost 28,000 gp
You did really well here. In fact, your use of the provided template was very professionally polished. You've got a pretty good attention to detail. And you even had the seed of a pretty good idea here. Unfortunately, you got sidetracked with stuff that didn't support or enhance the most innovative aspects of your item's core power.
Summary:
Bland name. Needed something more in touch with its primary function.
Good, initial idea. Just lost focus and became a SAK/SIAC.
Mechanically complicated. Broken in some ways. Not enough innovation.
Decent writing ability. Organized the information very well.
Polished presentation. Perfectly followed the template.
Glove, Phantom
Decent name. It tells us what it is. The word "phantom" immediately starts intriguing the mind with what kind of possibilities it might have in store for us. Phantoms are incorporeal. Maybe the gloves have something to do with that, too. Eager to read on...
Side note: It's somewhat cool to see you name the item in the same manner it would appear in an actual book of magic items. But, it's not necessary. I like how you also named it "Phantom Glove" in your submission post's title.
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
Aura makes sense for a low-level spell effect like spectral hand. I'm not entirely sure why you went with CL 5th for it. As a relatively low cost item, you might expect it to be the minimum caster level (i.e., 3rd) for a spectral hand. If you wanted to make the hand more difficult to dispel, that's about the only reason to bump this up. I suppose maybe you were reaching for a duration explanation with the phantom hand lasting for 5 rounds. But, I don't think that's really necessary if that was your justification.
Slot hands; Price 3,000 gp; Weight —
Okay, here's where I have to consider if these are "gloves" or a single "glove." You're indicating they take up the hands slot...plural. So, does a single glove do that...whereby you can't wear any other wondrous item on your other hand? What about a magical spiked gauntlet? Could you get away with mixing and matching one of those with your phantom glove? Can you wear two of these gloves at the same time? It's certainly priced low enough that plenty of characters could afford to wear two. But, the descriptive text of your item leaves it unclear whether you can do that or not.
Description
Once per day on command, this frayed white glove becomes a ghostly disembodied hand. It flies from the wearer to strangle an enemy within 50 feet, preventing speech and spellcasting. The wearer must not be holding anything in the gloved hand when initially commanding the phantom glove.
Good initial descriptive text. It also lets us know at least one mechanical limitation to the item...i.e., you can't be holding anything in your gloved hand if you're going to use its power. It does concern me, though, that you've based this ranged strangulation attack on spectral hand, a spell that expressly states it has no physical impact on anything. If you want a choking item, it might make more sense to reach for telekinesis or some other invisible, force-like effect that a spellcaster can summon...like a grasping hand, maybe?
The glove makes a combat maneuver check against the target using the wearer’s CMB with a +4 bonus. If successful, the glove begins to strangle the target, as the monster ability, except that the glove and target are not considered grappling.
So this is primarly just a ranged choke attack with minimal exposure/risk to the one wearing the glove. And, it gives you a fairly massive power-up of +4 to the attempt. So, anyone who's already good at grappling...say, a monk?...is going to become even better at grappling if they wear this thing. In the judges' discussion of the item, Sean pointed out that if you're already a grapple-heavy character, you're almost better off to just close with your adversary so you'll have options for an actual grapple, pin, etc. beyond just preventing someone from casting spells.
My concern with this power is that you're pretty much always going to be using it against spellcasters who probably suck at resisting combat maneuvers anyway. So, that +4 bonus on top of a capable grappler is just overkill. Additionally, within the game itself, spellcasters aren't front-line people. We all know that. They need to hide behind their PC allies. Or, if they're NPC villains, they need to hide behind their minions to protect themselves so they can actually do their thing...i.e., cast spells. If this item were included in the game, you're pretty much preventing that tactic from ever being available to them anymore. Granted, you can only exercise this special attack once per day...but is that really a limitation? How often do you encounter spellcasters where it's extremely important to shut them down so they can't cast spells? It's almost always the BBEG at the end of an adventure. So, you pretty much need this ability about once per day. If you need it slightly more often than that, the party simply has to retreat, wait a day for it to charge up again, and then come back and put the smack down on another wimpy spellcaster.
This form of gaming...i.e., taking away the primary strength of an opponent by targeting its primary weakness, and leaving room for players to metagame and abuse that strategy...isn't really something we'd want to see in a Superstar wondrous item design.
Removing the glove from the target is a standard action and requires a successful combat maneuver check against the wearer’s CMD. If the glove misses or becomes removed, it hovers in the target’s space and attacks again each round. It moves with the target even while not strangling, and continues attacking even if it moves beyond the initial 50-foot range limit. The glove does not provoke attacks of opportunity.
Again, this is probably not something the spellcaster is going to be able to do on his own. So, he'll need the help of a strong minion to get it off him. That means there's now two opponents having to spend their limited actions in a given round to try and combat this tactic. Even then, there's no easy way for the weak spellcaster to avoid it, as the hand can't be pinned or restrained itself. It keeps moving and attacking again and again, and almost guaranteed that it'll successfully latch on again.
The glove persists for five rounds or until destroyed, at which point it dissipates and reappears on the wearer’s hand. While activated, the glove has the defensive qualities of a spectral hand spell, except that it has 10 hit points which do not drain the wearer. While the phantom glove is strangling, weapon damage negated by its incorporeal quality is instead dealt to the strangled victim.
Now, we get something which overbalances it even further. First off, a spectral hand can't be harmed by normal weapons. At the point in which this item becomes available in a game (i.e., it only costs 3,000 gp), only a few of the adversaries faced by someone wearing this glove will have access to magic weapons. Or, the few who do, will likely be the strongest minion serving such a spellcaster...who, again, will have to preoccupy himself in freeing the spellcaster from the gloves grasp or simply write-off his master and try to win the battle without him and his magic.
Additionally, if anyone tries helping the poor sap while he's being strangled, you're going to let damage pass through its incorporeal quality and hurt him. This phantom hand gets many more hit points (10) than a typical spectral hand (only 1 to 4) and costs the wearer of the glove nothing...i.e., spectral hand usually results in a temporary loss of hit points to the spellcaster in order to form itself. Finally, even if the phantom is attacked, the odds of hitting its AC are actually quite low. It gets a base AC of 22 (+8 size, +4 natural armor) and you get to add any Int modifier to it like it was a Dex modifier. The spellcaster certainly isn't going to cut himself free. And, even his strong minion with the (hopefully) magic weapon is going to have a hard time hitting it, too. And that's assuming he doesn't kill his master in the process.
So, as neat as it sounds to be able to pull off this kind of ranged choke attack, does it really seem like a good idea to introduce it into the game? I'd say no. And the other judges felt the same way. It's an effect that can become infinitely abusable in the hands of players trying to maximize every advantage possible against some of their most dangerous opponents...i.e., the evil spellcaster villain they need to stop. And, it basically makes adventuring easy by ensuring you can negate such a threat with virtually no risk to yourself. Even more so if you can wear two of these gloves and do this kind of action twice a day.
Additionally, what happens if you try and strangle a lich with one of these gloves? How about a ghost with levels as a spellcaster? Can the phantom hand affect them, too? As-written, it's unclear. Most folks would assume not, as they have no need to breathe and really don't have a throat to "choke" anymore. But you can see how this would also spawn arguments at the game table.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand; Cost 1,500 gp
You got the layout/presentation correct here. In fact, overall your use of the provided template was spot-on. I still think spectral hand isn't the right spell to base this kind of effect around. You certainly priced the item as if it were relying on that kind of low-level spell. But, the actual impact of what it can do in the game is much higher than the implied value of that spell level. And, it way overbalances the encounters where it's meant to play a role. So, in general, it's an underpriced/undercosted item. But, on top of that, it's just a bad design niche because of its abusability factor.
I'm wondering if you playtested this item at all? If a party of 4 level-appropriate PCs faced an evil spellcaster and his underlings and one of the PCs used this phantom glove to strangle the spellcaster, how challenging does the encounter wind up being? Do they win 10 times out of 10? I'd think they would. Do they get to do so without using up hardly any of their resources (like you'd expect a party to do when facing a comparable CR)? I'm guessing they'd use hardly any resources at all to put down their foes, because they'd never face the spellcaster's most potent abilities. Sometimes, it's worth getting out from under the hood of your designs and actually take them out on game night for a bit of a road test. I think if you did that with this item, you'd realize it went too far.
Summary:
Simple, decent, somewhat evocative name.
Interesting core idea (i.e., ranged strangleholds), but impractical and abusable.
Mechanically appropriate in describing how it works, but still overreaches.
Very well-written. Good attention to detail in sharing all the relevant information.
Flawless presentation and use of the provided template.
Apothecary’s Atomizer
Interesting name. Interesting item choice. Interested to read further.
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
An aura of transmutation makes sense with gaseous form as the spell in which you've grounded your item concept. Since the item only deals with potions, they can only go up to 3rd level in spell duplication. So, maybe a faint aura is still applicable here. Maybe you could stand to kick it up to moderate given what the device enables (i.e., multi-sharing of potions). The caster level seems fine.
Slot —; Price 8,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Definitely a slotless item. Weight seems reasonable. Price is debatable. Let's hold off on that until we review what it does, below.
Description
This pure silver atomizer resembles a mighty dragon in flight, save for a small, squeezable pump behind its ears.
Good, initial lead-off sentence to establlish the item's physical description. And I like the notion of a magical atomizer. It's not an item I've seen done up as a wondrous magic item before. So, in that aspect, I think this was a really cool idea.
A stopper on its back allows the user to fill its stomach with up to four identical potions (a full-round action which provokes attacks of opportunity and requires two hands). Once filled, the atomizer allows the user to dispense the potions inside on himself, others, or objects merely by spraying them.
This is an interesting way to interpret the effect. Normally, potions need to be ingested to work, not inhaled or merely applied to your skin like a perfume.
Spraying oneself or a single adjacent creature or object is a swift action – spraying more than one creature or object is a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity. The user may spray up to four such creatures or objects (each spray consuming one potion) in one round...
Swift actions are a bad idea. In general, wondrous items should always be standard actions to use. Otherwise, you're screwing around with the "economy of actions" mechanic built into the game. If it's just a swift action, that means you can still take a move action and then a standard action to make an attack, cast a spell, or use another wondrous item. That's what makes the idea go too far.
...though spraying an unwilling creature requires a ranged touch attack with a maximum range of 5 feet. Using the atomizer to dispense a potion requires only one hand. Alchemist infusions may also be dispensed with the atomizer, but extracts or mutagens cannot. Mixing potions or infusions of different spells ruins all of them, rendering them inert.
So, let's get this straight. Your 8,000 gp item is going to allow an alchemist with the infusion discovery to take any of his extracts (which go up to 6th level spell effects) and turn them into mass versions of themselves for a mere 8,000 gp? Then, you can store up to four of them in this atomizer and use it as a ranged delivery method. Sounds innovative on the surface. Thinking it through, I'm not sure it's a good idea. What happens if you make a ranged touch attack with a reduce person infusion/extract? Does the ranged touch attack make it automatically succeed like most ranged touch spells? Or, do you have to hit with it and then they still get save vs. the original DC of the extract?
Alternatively, instead of targeting individual creatures, the user may create a cloud of potion mist around himself. Doing so is a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity, consumes four potions or infusions, and creates a 10-foot radius sphere cloud. The cloud is not thick enough to obscure sight, and lasts for one round, though a moderate wind (11+ mph) disperses the cloud immediately, preventing it from granting any effects to those inside. The cloud affects all breathing creatures that remain inside for one full round as if the spray had targeted them directly.
Allowing just a full-round action to apply up to four potions to a group of people is more in line with spells like mass bull's strength, etc...which is the equivalent of a far higher spell effect than a single potion can normally pull off on its own (i.e., because they're capped at 3rd level spells). It's somewhat innovative that your wondrous item is letting you multiply the application of a collection of regular potions (or infusions/extracts). But, four potions of bull's strength, for instance, should run you 1,200 gp. A single scroll of mass bull's strength costs 1,650 gp. I don't think the item stands up well to the comparison of such cost vs. the item's ability.
On top of that, a 10-foot radius sphere around the atomizer represents a tremendous number of 5-ft. squares you can effect with the cloud. If it only takes four potions or extracts to create that effect, think of how many more target creatures you can effect. For instance, let's say you put four cure serious wounds potions or extracts into the atomizer. At your leisure you can create a single cloud around you that reaches far more than just four people to heal them all at once during that 1-round duration of the cloud. That's going too far.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, gaseous form; Cost 4,000 gp
Everything is tight here. All the proper references in place. It's cool to think of an atomizer using gaseous form to carry out its effect. But, I think multiplying potions and extracts into greater effects of speeding up their delivery system with a swift action spray rather than having to imbibe one is worth a lot more than 8,000 gp. There's probably a higher level spell effect that ought to be involved as well. Maybe mage's lucubration would add something to the mix. But, even then, that probably doesn't go far enough in ramping up the cost compared to the item's function. This is one of those items that has an effect that's so different from the spells involved that it becomes difficult to price.
Summary:
Pretty cool name.
Interesting core idea, but pushes the envelope too far.
Mechanically overreaches given the cited examples, above.
Reasonably well-written. Your language and description flows well.
Flawless presentation and use of the provided template.
Advice: This was big swing for the fence. You just fell into the trap of trying to speed up the delivery system with swift actions and a faster way to apply potion effects (and alchemist extracts) to more targets and that just becomes abusable. I liked your big idea thinking. The execution and mechnical considerations just let you down. Think through every idea you come up with and try to figure out all the points in the game where it breaks down. That'll let you know when something goes too far. And this goes too far.
Thanks Neil, for the in-depth. It's much appreciated.
My attempt was to create an item that made administering potions to allies in combat a viable strategy, an item that let a character swoop in with a move action, spritz an ally with a cure potion, and still have something else useful to do. I get the action economy thing, and it's point one in my "Missteps" thread that seems to have gone dormant now.
Again, thanks for the feedback. Not as close as last year, which is too bad, but I'm glad to see that there was at least a kernel of an idea there.
Shackles of the Merciful Confessor
Interesting name. We don't see magical shackles all that often. I'm interested to see where this design goes. The "merciful confessor" part sounds like it's a potential interrogation item. Let's see if it lives up to that promise in an innovative, compelling way...
Aura faint enchantment and necromancy; CL 4th
The item's aura makes sense for the spells involved its construction and function. Same deal with the caster level since confess is a 2nd level inquisitor-only spell and they'd have to be at least 4th level to cast it.
Slot wrists; Price 25,250 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Slot makes sense for shackles, though this isn't an item you'd imagine someone willingly wearing. To place these on someone (and have them take up the wrist slot), you'd have to remove any other items that might be taking up the same slot.
Judging by the equipment list, weight seems appropriate for shackles.
I'll hold off judging the price/cost until we get through what the item actually does.
Description
These masterwork manacles are crafted of highly polished steel inlaid with black and azure runes.
It's good lead off with a physical description. This first sentence relies on a "to be" verb like "are" which you could avoid by rephrasing it. For instance, "Black and azure runes adorn these polished steel masterwork manacles..." comes across in a more evocative fashion to the reader. Look for ways to change your writing style to adopt some of those conventions and you'll be surprised by how much stronger it comes across.
Also, I notice that you're putting two spaces after every period in your sentences. That's an old school convention that was necessary back in the days of typewriters and such. Most word processing programs and their font definitions already incorporate the proper distance between a period and the beginning of a new sentence. So, you can stop using this convention now. In fact, if you used it in an actual turnover to a publisher/developer, they'd have to go through and cut out all that extra spacing. If they didn't, it would cause problems with their layout tools.
When used to bind a creature of Small to Large size, the wearer receives a number of temporary hit points equal to its Constitution score and is warded from pain as if affected by a delay pain spell.
Interesting mechanic. I assume these effects are included to keep from accidentlly killing a prisoner that you're interrogating? Or, by allowing you to inflict a great degree of pain on them without them passing out on you while you continue to demand answers from them? That kind of makes this a torture item. And, while there's nothing inherently wrong with introducing wondrous items with a more nefarious/villainous bent to them, I'm not sure this is a path you really want to single out as your main idea for RPG Superstar. It starts to lift a red flag for some of the judges and Paizo, in general, I think.
So, bottom line, we get some temporary hit points, courtesy of the false life inclusion in the item's construction requirements. That spell functions completely differently from how you've chosen to characterize it here. Obviously, that avoids the SIAC. But there's also sort of an established precedent around temporary hit points. The false life and aid spells kind of represent the "cap" for what a 2nd level spell effect should be able to do. Spinning it instead to be dependent on a creature's Constitution score isn't necessarily the best mechanic. For one, it means the item works differently everytime, depending on who's wearing it. That means it has greater value in some situations than others. And, that makes it far more difficult to consistently price.
Secondly, there's nothing preventing someone from voluntarily wearing these shackles to increase their temporary hit points and gain the benefits of delay pain before they go into combat. A monk, for instance, who's just as capable of making a flurry of blows with his feet and not just his hands, could find these shackles useful as an offensive weapon. So, this is another concern, because the extra temporary hit points will vary from user to user, depending on their Con score.
At any time, the binder (the individual who placed the shackles on the creature) may ask questions of the wearer. If the creature understands and is able to answer, it must do so truthfully, unless it resists by succeeding on a DC 13 Will save for each question asked. Success means the wearer may avoid answering that question entirely or may answer evasively as long as it remains within the boundaries of the truth, but it is also sickened for 2d4 rounds. Once the wearer resists a question, repeated inquiries demanding identical information do not require additional saves. However, a question altered to ask for a slightly different answer does require a new save to resist. This is a mind-affecting compulsion enchantment.
This is a really expensive item at 25,250 gp. You'd have to be pretty high level by the time a PC would deem it worthwhile to spend money on them. At that point in their adventuring career, how many creatures do you imagine they'll be facing (in terms of their CR) who would be likely to succumb to a DC 13 Will save? I'm going to guess that you'll probably find creatures failing this save less than 50% of the time. That makes this power of the shackles fairly unreliable. So, is it really worth the price, after all? Probably not.
A lot of would-be designers fall into this trap. They envision a certain idea and mechanical effect for their item which will necessitate a saving throw. But, when they layer in the various spells they're using to define that ability, the spells themselves are such low level that the inherent DC winds up being very small. This is where the "art" of wondrous item pricing has to come in. You need to consider whether the price you've set for your item works within the expected uses of it (i.e., the DC of its ability vs. the creatures it will most likely be used against by a PC at the time they acquire/buy one). To me, this effect falls short of the perceived value of the item.
The temporary hit points and delay pain effect remain only as long as the shackles are worn on both wrists. On their removal, the creature reverts to the hit point total it had immediately prior to being bound (disregarding any healing received in the interim).
I'm confused here. Let's say I put these shackles on a prisoner so I can interrogate them. He's got 4 hp remaining and he's got Con 12. The shackles give him 12 temporary hit points. If, in the course of interrogating him, I beat him some more and cut off some choice body parts in an effort to get my points across...say to the point that it takes him below 0 hp and he's dying...or even into enough negatives that he actually dies...and then I remove the shackles, is he supposed to immediately come around again...or rise from the dead? This power seemed like it wasn't thought-through enough to me.
If the wearer was dying prior to being bound, it remains staggered while wearing the shackles.
This is an interesting side effect. The utility of the shackles increases if you can use them to "save" someone from dying by giving them some temporary hit points. But, there are other ways and means to achieve this ability already in the game. A quick burst of channeled positive energy. A simple stabilize spell, etc. The real ability of these shackles is that it lets someone get up again, even if staggered, and apply further healing before removing the shackles and rejoining the fight. Even so, I'm not sure I'm a fan of how this power is injected into the item's theme/suite of abilities.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, confess, delay pain, false life; Cost 12,625 gp
Well done here. Everything's in its place. I like that you reached for a new spell like confess to build an item around. Magic shackles seem like something an inquisitor might create/acquire, especially if they assist him in interrogating his prisoners.
The one thing I liked about this item design is that it gave us something more than the typical magic shackles we see submitted year after year. Most people want to design magic shackles that prevent spellcasters from casting spells. Or chains or handcuffs or ropes that completely debilitate an adversary. In most cases, they'd be used after a battle to take a prisoner. But, in almost every situation, routine rope will do you just as well. There's no exceptional need for a magical verson of that.
The other use of such items is that you'd presumably deploy them during combat to try and nerf an opposing spellcaster. Grapple, pin, and shackle, basically. Magic shackles whose sole purpose seems focused on that aspect seem more like cursed items to me. You could achieve the same strategy by holding someone down and putting a ring of clumsiness, some bracers of defenselessness, or even a helm of opposite alignment on them and take them out just as easily. But, all those items are cursed items. And that's not the same as a wondrous item. At least, not for the purposes of RPG Superstar. Instead, we want to see what you can do with a wondrous item that PCs would actively use and enjoy for themselves and not just to hinder/negate/interrogate a prisoner.
Additionally, we often see the "help me interrogate the prisoner" item, by granting easy access to their memories, experiences, etc. There are already spell effects in the game for enabling that kind of thing...i.e., zone of truth, detect thoughts, seek thoughts, etc. Even good old fashioned Intimidate can accomplish much of what those items are meant to do. So, again, it's not really all that innovative of a niche to explore for a Superstar wondrous item.
These shackles did some good things by not just going down those paths. But, it didn't go far enough or accomplish anything particularly inspiring or innovative.
Summary:
Interesting name.
Decent core idea, but not really wondrous or innovative enough.
Mechanically overreaches a bit on the temporary hit points.
Writing could be strengthened. Look for more evocative ways to craft your prose.
Flawless presentation and use of the provided template.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2011 Top 16
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7
aka primemover003
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Huh? When did the no double space after periods memo go out? I completely missed that boat! Geez I'm going to have work really hard to stop doing that! That kind of thing needs to be made into a meme or something!
Damn I double spaced throughout this entire post! Told you it'd be hard.
--Vrock type font
That happened around the same time typewriters and dot matrix printers went out of vogue...and word processors and fonts became all the rage.
Huh? When did the no double space after periods memo go out? I completely missed that boat! Geez I'm going to have work really hard to stop doing that! That kind of thing needs to be made into a meme or something!
Damn I double spaced throughout this entire post! Told you it'd be hard.
--Vrock type font
I suppose it wouldn't be that hard to search & replace before you send it off to the editor. Personally I too find the habit too deeply ingrained to ever hope to change it.
However, this raises a question... the forum software appears to automatically replace double spaces with single spaces. As an example, check out Scott's post above--his sentences are appearing single-spaced to me. How did Neil know there were double spaces in Brian's submission? Do the judges see a differently formatted version of the wondrous item submissions than what I see in the paizo forums?
And as I recall, Sean (or Vic, or someone) pointed out that the software eliminates double spaces when it was brought up earlier in this year's Superstar competition.
However, this raises a question... the forum software appears to automatically replace double spaces with single spaces. As an example, check out Scott's post above--his sentences are appearing single-spaced to me. How did Neil know there were double spaces in Brian's submission? Do the judges see a differently formatted version of the wondrous item submissions than what I see in the paizo forums?
The judges see exactly what you see. However, unlike the normal messageboards, the judges' forum also allows us to edit any and all posts. That means it's exceedingly easy for me to make notes as I'm reviewing someone's entry and then go back days later and revise those notes into a full-fledged wall-of-text critique like you usually see from me. But, that also means I can edit anyone else's posts. When I copy/paste the submissions here for my review, I essentially go into "edit" mode on the original submission's post. That lets me lift all the formatting tags and everything so I don't have to reduplicate them here by hand while staying true to exactly what got submitted. That means I pick up the exact content each submitter used...including the double spaces, carriage returns, tabs...you name it. The HTML here on the messageboards automatically eliminates extra spaces for presentation. But, it keeps the original spaces if you go back into "edit" mode.
So, there you have it. That's how I'm able to tell when someone put double spaces after every sentence. Or when they used the italics tags around a whole swath of text to italicize a spell list rather than just the individual spell names so they avoid italicizing the commas separating each one. The edit tool is very useful in helping me perceive things like that. But, I have to be very careful not to change anything in the original post. I always make sure I cancel out of "edit" mode after copying the original text for reposting here. And that's just one "trick of the trade" for getting the most use out of the Paizo forums.
Whoah... that's really good to know. Thanks for the fast reply, and for putting together this awesome thread.
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...I'm going to have work really hard to stop doing that!
I thought the same thing when it was pointed out to me a long time ago. But I just made the conscious effort to only put a single space after every sentence in everything I wrote from that day forward. Emails, messageboard posts, word documents, and eventually all my RPG designs. It became my standard way of writing and thinking about writing pretty quickly. Now, it feels very strange to double-space after a sentence. So, it is possible for an old dog to learn a new trick. You just have to consciously practice at it long enough and often enough that it takes over as your new default way of thinking and typing.
Chief Technical Officer
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And as I recall, Sean (or Vic, or someone) pointed out that the software eliminates double spaces when it was brought up earlier in this year's Superstar competition.
Actually, your web browser eliminates duplicate plain spaces. (That behavior is part of the HTML rendering spec, and all browsers are supposed to do that.) If you view the page source, you'll find that those extra spaces are still in there.
Yeah, I started not putting double spaces in only a few weeks ago. It's already become pretty standard for me. And most of what I write, being code, doesn't involve sentence breaks. So it's a pretty quick change to make.
One additional thing threw me on the Shackles of the Merciful Confessor that I dislike:
If the creature understands and is able to answer, it must do so truthfully, unless it resists by succeeding on a DC 13 Will save for each question asked. Success means the wearer may avoid answering that question entirely or may answer evasively as long as it remains within the boundaries of the truth, but it is also sickened for 2d4 rounds.
Specifically, even passing the Will save does not allow the manacled creature to lie, only to be evasive. And with a presumably apparent effect (being sickened). Granted, this seems to match the confess spell in essence, so I guess it's appropriate, it just strikes a bad note with me.
...I'm going to have work really hard to stop doing that!I thought the same thing when it was pointed out to me a long time ago. But I just made the conscious effort to only put a single space after every sentence in everything I wrote from that day forward. Emails, messageboard posts, word documents, and eventually all my RPG designs. It became my standard way of writing and thinking about writing pretty quickly. Now, it feels very strange to double-space after a sentence. So, it is possible for an old dog to learn a new trick. You just have to consciously practice at it long enough and often enough that it takes over as your new default way of thinking and typing.
+1 to this.
Note that I never heard the "don't use double spaces after periods" thing before reading about it in RPG Superstar a year or two ago, and I have never heard it anywhere else, either.
So it's apparently a big secret that Neil inadvertently let out of the bag!
On the other hand, it really doesn't take that long to change the habit if you do a lot of writing. And as a GM of a long-running campaign, I do a lot of writing :)
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Dedicated Voter Season 6
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...I'm going to have work really hard to stop doing that!I thought the same thing when it was pointed out to me a long time ago. But I just made the conscious effort to only put a single space after every sentence in everything I wrote from that day forward. Emails, messageboard posts, word documents, and eventually all my RPG designs. It became my standard way of writing and thinking about writing pretty quickly. Now, it feels very strange to double-space after a sentence. So, it is possible for an old dog to learn a new trick. You just have to consciously practice at it long enough and often enough that it takes over as your new default way of thinking and typing.
What's interesting is that I basically learned how to type on a computer through the Military. The Military required double spaces after periods. I cross my 7's and I double space after periods. Its hard to not do it.
I just turned in a manuscript for an Open Design project, and the edit notes I got back showed almost every period I had a double space after... at first I was like... gah! this is bloody... but then realized almost all the blood was because of the double spaces...
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Search and replace, people. Search and replace.
It's not like this is some new rule. That's pretty much been the style guide at any publication for, what, nearly 20 years. Double space after periods went out with mono-spaced font.
Turn on MS Word's check for this (in the Settings of the Proofing/Spelling and Grammar options) so that it gives a green underline error if you put two spaces.
While I've mostly weaned myself off the habit, one fix almost as easy as find and replace is autocorrect! Just add it in everywhere you go; a period followed by two spaces autocorrects to a period followed by one space. No more thought required!
Though, it's still a good habit to get into manually.
Search and replace, people. Search and replace.
It's not like this is some new rule. That's pretty much been the style guide at any publication for, what, nearly 20 years. Double space after periods went out with mono-spaced font.
True, but for the record when I took a requisite keyboarding class 10 years ago they were still teaching the double space after a period. After reading this thread I'll train myself not to, but if no one had told me I'd still be doing it.
Yeah, agreed on nobody passing this on. Granted I can't even recall anything of the typing they tried to teach in school aside from the one glorious day they let us play Oregon Trail instead of typing... but I'm only 30 this year and it's only in the last couple of years I've heard anyone saying that the double spaces are wrong.
Of course, the only place people tell me how to write is work, and if I'm writing prose rather than code, then something is wrong. (Or I'm writing my trademark excessively verbose comments or ticket updates.)
While the Top 4 are busy with their adventure proposals over the next few days, I wanted to circle back to this thread and re-energize it. We've already gone through a dozen or more item reviews and I'm hoping they proved useful...not simply to the original authors...but, rather, for everyone. That's because this thread is inteded to showcase some examples of common pitfalls we've warned against with the "auto-reject" advice. And, if folks see some real examples of items which came close, but ran into these problem areas, hopefully, it helps everyone avoid the same mistakes next year.
So, what have we touched on so far? Looking back, I compiled this list of design considerations I hope people have picked up on in this thread...
- SIAC (spell-in-a-can)
- SAK (Swiss army knife)
- Camping items
- Item isn't a wondrous item (i.e., weapons, weapon properties-in-a-can, cursed items, etc.)
- Badly named items
- Joke/pun item or item name
- Item makes adventuring easy
- Item is overpowered, presents too many game balance concerns
- Item steals/borrows/poaches class abilities
- Item provides variable effects based on skill checks or ability modifiers
- Item functions according to GM discretion, fails to properly explain in-game use
- Item breaks the in-game action economy by activating quicker than a standard action
- Item's bonus supports power-gaming due to stackable modifiers or poor item slot choices
- Item misapplies Golarion canon
- Item misapplies existing rules/mechanics
- Item misapplies actual game terminology
- Item demonstrates poor writing/presentation/professional polish
That's a pretty good list of lessons to examine, but I'm sure there are more out there. They're just becoming difficult for me to find without becoming repetitive. So, for anyone who's interested in seeing more of these reviews over the next few days, I have a challenge for you. Please examine the categories from the "auto-reject" advice and then bring an item to my attention (from the "Critique My Item" thread) which could serve as a good example to review here. I'll do my best to provide a deeper dive on it and post that analysis for everyone.
That's a pretty good list of lessons to examine, but I'm sure there are more out there. They're just becoming difficult for me to find without becoming repetitive. So, for anyone who's interested in seeing more of these reviews over the next few days, I have a challenge for you. Please examine the categories from the "auto-reject" advice and then bring an item to my attention...
Morning, Neil,
Let me then (before everyone / anyone else has the idea) present my item from the "Critique My Item" thread. The judges feedback didn't really indicate any of the above from your list as a rejection reason so looking to my own work seemed like a good place to start!
"The Deadeye's Snuff"
Thanks!
Pendant of Phoenix Ashes
Interesting name. We get a concrete object...i.e., pendant...or two, if you also count "ashes" and the imagery that invokes. Putting a phoenix into the equation immediately gets the mind contemplating what kind of powers this magic pendant might invoke. So, I'm eager to read on...
Aura strong conjuration; CL 13th
Your highest level spell effect contributing to this item's construction requirements is resurrection. So, a strong conjuration aura and CL 13th make sense. You probably had room to introduce some other lesser aura, too, that could hint toward the fiery phoenix aspects. Maybe a moderate evocation aura to go along with elemental aura would be a nice touch.
Slot neck; Price 130,000 gp; Weight - lbs.
The slot and weight make sense for a pendant. My initial reaction on price is that it seems awfully high. So, going into your item's description, I'll be looking more closely at it to determine if it's warranted. And I'll want to hold this item up to things like the helm of brilliance for comparison.
Description
Once per day the wearer transforms into a Medium phoenix by speaking the command word.
I think you missed an opportunity here. It's really important (to me, at least) that you lead off with a physical description of what your wondrous item looks like. Yes, it's a pendant. We know that much from the name. But what makes it appear more special than any other mundane pendant? Is it made of orange-colored stone or metal? Is it shaped like a bird trapped with a fiery orb? Or is it just ash gray and embossed with a stylized phoenix? Give us some indication of your creative writing ability as it pertains to description. That's a key element for selling us on what's essentially your game designer's resume. So don't skimp here by jumping straight into the function of your item. Give us description first, then an explanation of how it works.
This fiery metamorphosis deals 4d6 fire damage to anyone adjacent to him (Reflex DC 20 half).
Cool weaponized aspect.
The change grants the wearer fire resistance 20 (per resist energy), fly 60 feet (good), two talon attacks dealing 1d4+1d6 fire damage each, and a bite attack dealing 1d6+1d6 fire damage. These melee attacks are made using the wearer’s highest attack bonus. The transformation lasts for six rounds.
Mostly, this approach led us to view it very much as a monster-in-a-can. Granted, a real phoenix is CR 15 in the Bestiary. So, you've given us a watered down, less powerful version. It's not a creature you'd normally expect beast shape III to provide for you right out of the can. So, although you've avoided the SIAC, many of the abilities that you've layered into this MIAC have their basis on spell effects like elemental aura, resist fire, and even beast shape III for the flying ability and talon attacks.
In other words, if you just cast those spells in rapid succession, you could achieve much of what this item's overall effect. So, it still enters a bit into SIAC/SAK territory, despite the repackaging in a phoenix-like form. So, you're running up hard against a number of "auto-reject" advice categories we've called out before. And that means you need extra powerful mojo to override any concerns we might have about that. The phoenix theme was a good direction to go. But, I don't think you showed enough innovation with it to gain separation.
Should the wearer die while wearing this crystalline pendant, it shatters. The warm, fine ash housed within it covers his body. On his turn the next round, the wearer is resurrected per the resurrection spell. The ash and pendant are rendered useless.
Now this is really the penultimate power of this pendant. And yet, you've buried this ability down toward the end. In many ways, I think you should have led with this. Yes, it's resurrection-in-a-can, but the phoenix theme could potentially elevate it if applied with the hand of a careful designer.
For instance, what if this pendant was primarily an abjurative item? It could protect you against fire and safeguard your life by providing you a one-time, "get out of jail free" card by casting resurrection on its wearer if they die. But what happens when they resurrect? Do they just come back exactly like they are? If so, that'd be too much of a SIAC and we'd probably reject it as such despite. If instead, you had them explode in a burst of fire upon their death (and thereby inflicting the elemental aura damage on anyone adjacent), you could have their body burn up into ashes just like a phoenix. Then, one round later, have them be reborn in phoenix form. Make sure the phoenix capabilities are limited...i.e., mostly like you've done here (i.e., don't let them come back as a CR 15 phoenix). Let them operate in phoenix form for a limited number of rounds to hopefully fight off whatever opponent killed them. Then, have the phoenix die out and their body reform wherever it falls. At that point, hopefully, their companions can retrieve the body and take it back home for a proper resurrection. But, because of the exertion on their spirit while fighting in phoenix-form, maybe make them wait awhile before they can be resurrected again. In the meantime, the pendant itself is lost...used up in the resurrection.
That kind of approach has a different focus to it. But it still makes sense for the price you've assigned to it. It lends relevance to a PC's death, but gives them a phoenix-like opportunity to contribute one last time to the battle that laid them low. It's still a bit of a MIAC/SIAC/SAK. But, you know what? So was my last leaves of the autumn dryad. It's the theme and how you present that theme...and the game situations your item helps address (i.e., a player who can no longer contribute to a fight when their PC dies) that matters the most. And that's the kind of stuff that can help you override a sweeping "auto-reject" advice category like MIAC/SIAC/SAK.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape III, elemental aura (fire), resist energy (fire), resurrection; Cost 65,000 gp
I thought you were mostly good here. Everything makes sense in terms of your spell choices for constructing the item. However, when you've got a parenthetical for a spell that can have variable effect choices...i.e., elemental aura and resist energy...you don't need to italicize the choice itself. Thus, from a presentation perspective, it should read "...elemental aura (fire), resist energy (fire)..."
So, looking back in the judges' forum, there were really only two of us that reviewed this item. I was a Weak Reject on it. The theme (as you presented it) just wasn't powerful enough to override my MIAC/SIAC/SAK concerns and push me into Keep territory. Clark flatly rejected it as a MIAC. That said, it was a very well-written, professionally-polished MIAC. I saw some potential in it. Just not enough to elevate to Top 32.
Summary:
Pretty cool name.
Decent theme and core idea, but too much of a MIAC/SIAC/SAK in execution.
Mechanically safe, relies too much on duplicating spell effects and monster abilities.
Writing was decent, but missed an opportunity in leaving out the item's descriptive text.
Mostly flawless presentation and use of the template.
The Deadeye's Snuff
An interesting choice for a wondrous item. Basing it around snuff certainly pings it as a gunslinger's item. And the reference to "deadeye" helps reinforce that. However, exploring tobacco-themed items is a bit more risky. It's not necessariy taboo or anything. I mean Paizo has already introduced barbarian chew as a form of Shoanti tobacco that helps their barbarian rage powers last an extra round. It's just the type of item that's going to warrant a bit more scrutiny to make sure it's done with the proper care and attention.
Aura moderate divination and transmutation; CL 7th
The spells in your construction requirements for this item rely on hunter's eye (which is either a 3rd level inquisitor spell or a 2nd level ranger spell) and longshot (which is a 1st level spell for just about every spellcasting class). The normal assumption is that an item can be crafted by the least common denominator of spellcasters in cooperation. So, in this case, that'd normally mean a 7th level ranger or inquisitor. Thus, I think your caster level for this item is spot on. The aura feels a bit strong for what's essentially 1st-3rd level spells, but nothing worth quibblling over.
Slot -; Price 6,500 gp; Weight -
Slot and weight make some sense. Your item description indicates it's 10 separate pieces. So, do they have at least some kind of collective weight? Again, no biggie. Just something my mind wonders about as I read along.
As far as the pricing goes, it's debatable. I'll assess that more as we get into what your item does. On the surface, 6,500 gp isn't usually a deal breaker. You're in the ballpark, so I don't go into your descriptive text with a raised eyebrow towards anything yet.
Description
Almost black in appearance, this deep red tobacco is traditionally spun into long rope-like strands, enchanted, and cut into 10 smaller pieces.
Good approach in telling us what the item is and what it looks like. Being from a tobacco-producing state like NC, I'm a bit confused, though. You seem to be describing chewing tobacco here rather than snuff. There's a difference between the two. Snuff isn't really chewed. It's usually inhaled as a pinch of ground tobacco you either snort, or with more recent iterations that you put between your cheek and gum. Even the latter just sits there, while invoking your saliva glands (which results in a lot of spitting to avoid swallowing the juice) and you pick up the nicotine through the blood vessels in your mouth. Or, in your nose if you snort it. Meanwhile, actual chewing tobacco is a different animal. You actually do chew that. And, in terms of the cowboy/gunslinger trope, that's normally what you'd envision. So, in some respects, your item name might be a bit off. Is that a big deal? No, not really.
As the user chews on a portion of the snuff (a standard action which provokes an attack of opportunity) an unusual calm and focus envelops them. For the next hour any ranged attack made with a thrown or projectile weapon has it's first range increment extended by 10 feet.
This is just a SIAC ability by duplicating longshot. So, your item actually does fall into the examples we've already covered here in this thread.
If the user possesses the grit resource, spending a point of grit immediately cancels the previous effect and allows them to harness their enhanced focus and let fly a single shot at their highest bonus up to their weapon's maximum range as a ranged touch attack while suffering no penalty for range, ignoring concealment provided by fog or mist, blur, displacement, invisibility, and similar effects.
The latter part of this power-up is also mostly a SIAC hunter's eye ability. You're duplicating most of what that spell does, but you left out mentioning that it gives you a +20 bonus on Perception checks to locate an invisible target. Instead, you've just given them the ability to ignore concealment once they do locate the target. This kind of approach would probably have been better off just saying it grants the chewer a hunter's eye effect, because the spell does a much better job of explaining all the various considerations that need to come into play with this sort of scenario. Obviously, that would have made the SIAC nature of item even worse, however.
Other than that, you're really playing around the gunslinger's deadeye deed. For the cost of a single point of grit (and the use of one chew of tobacco), you're letting them fire at their maximum range as a ranged touch attack...a deed that would normally require the expenditure of 1 grit for every range increment. So that's a huge boon right off the bat. Then, you're giving them the ability to ignore all range penalties as well, whereas the regular deadeye deed still inflicts the -2 penalty per range increment. Doesn't that seem a bit overpowered to you? The effect that you're describing is the ultimate sniper item. Snipers in general are the type of character concept that wants all the glory with little to no risk to themselves. That's not really in the best spirit of the game. Your item has both the potential for being overpowered and making adventuring too easy. That's because a gunslinger at range using this tobacco can get in a kill shot without ever really risking himself or his party. And, that kind of tactic can short circuit a lot of encounter setups, as well. Thus, it's just not a very Superstar idea in conceptual terms.
A person can only benefit from one dose of this tobacco each day. Attempting to use another forces a DC 13 Fortitude save, with failure indicating the user is nauseated for 1d3 rounds.
This is a good attempt to nerf down the power creep of your item. But, let's say a GM decides run a campaign that's heavy on the use of firearms. Thus, we get a number of players who suddenly decide to run gunslingers. Or, maybe a bunch of them take the Amateur Gunslinger feat from Ultimate Combat to establish a grit "pool" and suddenly the whole party gets to benefit from this tobacco. They all get up on a high ridge, take their ranged touch shots with no range penalties or concealment penalties and they collectively whomp every encounter they come across with one volley a day...always retreating back to camp until they can regain the ability to use the tobacco again. This kind of setup leads to meta-game thinking on the part of players. And it's not Superstar design.
Lastly, in a lot of ways, the deadeye deed duplication in your item's abilities is also poaching from the gunslinger class. If other classes can basically take the Amateur Gunslinger feat, chew on this tobacco, and duplicate (or exceed) the deadeye deed, you've allowed them access to a class ability without ever being that class. Generally, that's not a wise course in wondrous item design.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, longshot, hunter's eye; Cost 3,250 gp
You need to list your spell names in alphabetical order in your construction requirements. Overall, the inclusion of longshot and hunter's eye makes sense. It's cool that you were reaching for something innovative concerning the gunslinger class. I think we only saw maybe three or four items that played around in that space. Unfortunately, you fell into some poor design choices here that took away an opportunity to make the Top 32.
In terms of your item's price/cost factor, it's basically the equivalent of ten 650 gp pieces of chewing tobacco which can enhance one well-placed, almost-guaranteed-to-hit shot or an hour's worth of +10 ft. range increment. Compare that to elixirs of fire breath that give you three blasts of a fiery line dealing 4d6 fire damage up to 25 feet away with a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage at 1,100 gp a pop and I think you're might be a bit undercosted. Nothing too egregious, though.
Summary:
Potentially misnamed item (snuff vs. chewing tobacco)
Decent idea, just potentially overpowered, not thought through.
Mechanically troublesome, potential for abuse.
Writing was okay, but duplicated a lot of the same phrasing from the underlying spells.
Mostly good on presentation, but a small misstep on the spell list.
Thanks Again Neil!
I thought that by modifying (even slightly) some of the spell effects (longshot - only expanding the first increment for example) that might avoid some of the SIAC pitfalls. But I do see your point, and I can definitely see some potential for abuse.
I appreciate your time and look forward to next year!
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Hi Neil, mine fell into the "makes adventuring easy" I think, but also falls into the "item is a map", which you haven't covered in this.
Pathfinder's Map.
Now, I admit, my item is a map, but at the same time, it's a very limited use item and also quite similar in kind to an item that *did* get through..... I'd be really interested in an in depth review if you could.
Pathfinder's Map
Kind of a bland, uninspired name. Yes, it does what I often request...i.e., it gives us a concrete object so we know what the item physically is. But, just tacking Pathfinder on top of it is kind of uninspired. Are all adventuring-related, ruin-searching items automatically "Pathfinder"-ish? I mean, they've got wayfinders as opposed to a Pathfinder's Compass, you know? So, you kind of missed the mark on the exciting item name thing.
Aura Faint Divination; CL 4th
Your aura should always be lowercase...i.e., "faint divination." For an item relying on a 4th level spell like arcane eye to explain the basis for its powers, that'd normally imply a CL 7th.
Slot -; Price 9,000 gp; Weight - lbs.
You're generally okay here on slot and weight. No need to include "lbs." when you've already indicated "-" though. Price is always debatable. The amount didn't trip any alarms for me on first blush, but I'll assess it more properly after we go through your item description.
Description
This tattered piece of blank parchment has been enchanted to act as an impermanent memory of scrying.
First up, I notice from your submission that you're including paragraph indents. That's unnecessary. Your browser removes it in the HTML display anyway. So, it's not visible via the preview tool or anyone viewing your item's text here. In an actual turnover for a freelance assignment, however, it would be noticeable and it would cause layout problems.
Other than that, it's good that you're leading off with a physical description. As for the "impermanent memory of scrying" bit, it frankly worries me when I see item's going down that route. Scrying is big mojo in-game. Introducing an item that grants that ability at 9,000 gp might be pushing things considering crystal balls don't get rolled out until much higher up the wondrous item pricing list. There's a reason for that. You generally don't want people gaining access to scrying magic in a reusable wondrous item until they've advanced into higher levels where that kind of magic (and the corresponding adventure plots and setups) are handled more appropriately. So, this reference raises my shields as I read on...
Once per day, the scroll may be placed against the side of a building or similar construction. A map immediately appears on the surface of the scroll. The map details the interior of the building, it's rooms and corridors, and any items of interest (doors, fireplaces, tables etc), exactly as though the building's owner were giving a tour. The map can only display inanimate objects which would be seen by a person standing in a given room. No hidden or secret doors, traps or NPCs are visible. No room beyond any secret door is visible. If the building extends beyond 500 feet from the point the map touches the building, it becomes faint, and incomplete at that point.
Okay, stop. Consider what you're saying here. Even at once/day, this item is a tremendous annoyance. Do you honestly think a GM will have maps on hand (sans secret doors, traps, and rooms that lie beyond secret doors) handy for any and every building the PCs might use it on? The answer is no. So, this item immediately puts a huge burden on the GM. It brings the entire game to a halt if the PCs use it on a building for which he doesn't already have a prepared map. And you know they will.
Secondly, how does this item actually encourage adventuring, hard choices among the players, and a sense of unknown mystery about whatever dungeon, ruin, or building the PCs venture into? It doesn't. This is the type of item that makes adventuring easy. It's kind of a meta-game item, too, in the sense that the players/GM don't want to be bothered with drawing out one room at a time on the mat. So, here you go, here's the whole map of the place. Go ahead and plot out your path and decide which rooms you think are probably the most interesting/dangerous/etc. I mean, just based on some of the terrain features or size of a room, it can be a giveaway as to the lairs of certain creatures or what kind of hazards might lie in wait for the PCs if they venture there. It's a boring way to play the game if this item is introduced and used at the table.
The scroll can contain only one map at a time. If pressed against a different structure, a new map replaces the old.
Fair enough. You don't get to create an entire map folio for an entire country's strongholds and sell it to the enemy across the border. You do get to map out the entire king's castle, though. I'd imagine that'd go for a pretty penny to the highest bidder. You'd probably make back your 9,000 gp investment and then some. So why not just keep buying more of these things, visit the places people might be most curious to have mapped out, put yourself at no risk at all to acquire that information by just pressing this map up against the structure's outer wall and then go into the cartography business and retire?
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Arcane Eye; Cost 4,500 gp
Your spell name should be lowercase and italicized. I'm honestly surprised at this point that people still screw up the presentation of their wondrous item submission. You obviously know enough about how to use BBCode that you have could done it correctly. But, the fact that you didn't speaks of a lazy designer. If you don't want to be perceived that way, you should make your item look exactly how they appear in the Core Rulebook. Or, even just follow the examples of the item's we've called out in the past for "perfect execution of the provided template" or "perfect professional polish."
Summary:
Poor, uninspired name
Bad item concept, makes the GM's job harder, makes adventuring easy
Mechanically suspect (i.e., it overreaches what a basic arcane eye could achieve)
Writing was okay, but not especially evocative/inspiring
Too many missteps in presentation and use of the provided template
Hey Neil. Cool thread.
I was in the keep folder for a while with the Vest of Second Skin. Sean gave me a ton of great advice on how to make it better. I'm curious as to why it was in the keep folder despite its shortcomings. Sean basically hated the idea so I'm not sure why it was a keeper. Can you help me out?
Hi, Breelo. It was a keeper because the judges don't always agree. Obviously, Sean was a straight-up Reject on your item's premise. It had a lot of SAK elements to it which are difficult to override when they're featured that prominently. I believe he also had concerns about the monster ability-in-a-can aspect of it. I cited similar concerns, but also argued some of its merits.
Ryan became your item's strongest champion, though I too initially gave it a Weak Keep. That was primarily to keep it around for discussion and comparison, not because I felt exceptionally excited about including it in the Top 32. In fact, I even made the statement that I was certain we'd find 32 items better than yours.
Clark did the honors of hitting the Keep button, though he too was inclined to Reject it initially. I had no intention of saving it once we got down to the winnowing of the Keep pile. Sean was still dead-set against it. Clark became a firm vote to Reject, as well. And, Ryan had better items to spend "golden tickets" on, so he too didn't elevate it any higher.
Ultimately, your item became an easy one to set aside so we could focus on the others. And that's because, at its core, it really was just a SAK of monster abilities granted by donning a "second skin" with the vest's patches. We all universally agreed that it should be a leather patch rather than living skin, though. We didn't particularly relish the gross-out factor of wearing a meat-suit.
Aside from that, it's really not worth going back through an in-depth analysis. It too falls victim of pitfalls we've already covered.
Hi, Breelo. It was a keeper because the judges don't always agree. Obviously, Sean was a straight-up Reject on your item's premise. It had a lot of SAK elements to it which are difficult to override when they're featured that prominently. I believe he also had concerns about the monster ability-in-a-can aspect of it. I cited similar concerns, but also argued some of its merits.
Ryan became your item's strongest champion, though I too initially gave it a Weak Keep. That was primarily to keep it around for discussion and comparison, not because I felt exceptionally excited about including it in the Top 32. In fact, I even made the statement that I was certain we'd find 32 items better than yours.
Clark did the honors of hitting the Keep button, though he too was inclined to Reject it initially. I had no intention of saving it once we got down to the winnowing of the Keep pile. Sean was still dead-set against it. Clark became a firm vote to Reject, as well. And, Ryan had better items to spend "golden tickets" on, so he too didn't elevate it any higher.
Ultimately, your item became an easy one to set aside so we could focus on the others. And that's because, at its core, it really was just a SAK of monster abilities granted by donning a "second skin" with the vest's patches. We all universally agreed that it should be a leather patch rather than living skin, though. We didn't particularly relish the gross-out factor of wearing a meat-suit.
Aside from that, it's really not worth going back through an in-depth analysis. It too falls victim of pitfalls we've already covered.
Thanks. I guess it really wasn't in the keep pile for any particular reason other than Ryan.
Thanks. I guess it really wasn't in the keep pile for any particular reason other than Ryan.
It takes two judges to put something in the Keep pile. Initially, that was Ryan and me. Though, Clark sort of came along once we expressed some initial thoughts around it. So, it wasn't just Ryan.
Even though it is my item, I think that the Warden's Cord can be a good example of how a halfway-decent idea can be ruined in the translation to mechanics, winding up with elements that don't match.
Thanks for this unprecedented level of feedback even for those of us who did not wind up in the keep pile.
Warden's Cord
First up, there was no item name in the body of your posted submission. You just put it in the messageboard header and left us hanging. Several folks have made that mistake. And they've continued to make it year after year. So, Sean took it upon himself to ensure it was spelled out as clearly as he could communicate in the submission guidelines.
Now, if someone failed to put their item name in the actual post (as opposed to just the header), that alone wasn't a deal breaker. But we did subconsciously mark people down for it. Your item name is supposed to be part of the word count for your item. And, the word counter doesn't count messageboard titles. Instead, it only counts what's in the submission window of your post. That's why you need to include the item name there rather than just jumping straight into the item's aura, etc.
As an FYI...we go ahead and accept items that make this mistake, but we also mentally add the number of words included in the thread's title to the word count for your overall entry. If that carries you beyond the word count limitation, it's a disqualification. And yes, we had some people fall down on that technicality. That's what happens when you a) don't follow the submission guidelines correctly, and b) flirt too close to your assigned word limit. So, hopefully, that's a lesson learned. Your entry didn't get DQ'ed. We added your thread's title to the overall word count and you still came in under the 300-word threshold.
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Aura and CL make sense for an item based around spectral hand. I don't, however, feel that spectral hand is the correct spell to apply to this item's concept and function. I understand why you chose it. But an insubstantial, disembodied ghost-hand isn't what you want to go for here. Something relying more on telekinesis or even spiritual weapon as a force effect would have had better traction.
Slot Wrist; Price 7200 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Your item's slot needs to be lowercase. Your price needs a comma. The chosen slot and weight seem appropriate for a thick cord of bronze and gold wrapped around someone's forearm. If anything, the weight might warrant bumping up a bit due to the heavier weight of all that metal...i.e., a "thick cord" implies something that might warrant a heavier weight than 1 lb. But no biggie.
Description
This length of thick cord appears be made of dull strands of bronze and gold. When picked up, the cord wraps itself around the forearm of the wearer.
Nice descriptive text.
I do notice, however, that you've got a lot of spacing problems between your sentences. Sometimes, there's double spaces after a period. And, in one instance, there's three spaces at the end of a sentence. From a formatting perspective, you need to clean that up if you someday want to work on an actual freelance assignment.
While worn this way, the cord can be commanded to grasp an object in the wearer’s hand, acting as a locked gauntlet, except that the item can be released as a move action which does not provoke an attack of opportunity.
Essentially, you're giving us a magical version of a weapon cord from the new equipment list in the Advanced Player's Guide. That's pretty cool. Sometimes, it's good to check out the equipment lists (new and old) to determine if there are any objects there that might make good fodder for a wondrous item design. So, I like that you reached for something different.
Additionally, as judges, we often say we're worried about action economy when wondrous items use something other than a standard action to activate or function. In this instance, it normally requires a full-round action to remove a weapon cord. Or, you can cut it free with a move action. Thus, your magical version taking only a move action to let go of an item is actually quite appropriate here...i.e., I didn't mind the action economy difference in this design.
Three times per day as an immediate action, when the cord is grasping a melee weapon, if a creature within 15ft. would provoke an attack of opportunity, the wearer can command the cord to briefly extend and make a single attack against that creature using the grasped weapon and at the wearer’s highest attack bonus.
Now, you're essentially describing an attack of opportunity as it relates to the item giving its wearer a greater reach. And yet, you didn't cite the actual AoO mechanics here, which is a serious misstep. We need to know, mechanically-speaking, if this immediate action uses up one of the wearer's actual attacks of opportunity. And, if so, what if they've already used all of their AoO's in a given round? This is a neat ability. You coupled some decent effects around your item, but you didn't draw them together strongly enough in the mechanical explanation.
Bottom line, this item should use up one of the PC's normal AoO's and suffer all the same restrictions of it (i.e., limited AoO's they can execute based on Combat Reflexes, Dex bonus, etc.). Someone with a high enough modifier could then execute all three of the item's AoO's at 15 ft. reach if a bunch of opponents were trying to surround them. And, if they'd already used up all their regular AoO's in a given round, I don't think this item should grant them an additional one.
There's potential in the core idea of the item, though. Mechanically, it's just not fully baked in how it's described...i.e., not quite tight enough on that particular design aspect. This is the type of item where I naturally want to go under the hood and "fix" it to make it into something more awesome.
However, you also had some other presentation flaws in the description...i.e., you need a space between "15" and "ft." Additionally, at least one of the judges questioned whether this item was really all that Superstar in concept. It's a magic weapon cord that helps you maintain your hold on a weapon or item...and it gives you a 15 ft. reach attack of opportunity three times per day. Is that the kind of idea that's going to have players eager to acquire one for their PCs? Maaaaaybe. Personally, I was a little more open to the appeal of this item.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand; Cost 3600 gp
You have a real problem with using commas in big numbers. Just like your item's price, its cost needs one. So, it should be "3,600 gp." You've also got an extra space in there between the Cost tag and the actual number. Attention to detail matters, because it makes the editors' jobs easier when they get hold of your turnover.
I also think you chose the wrong spell to base this item on, as spectral hand can't actually grasp weapons and attack with them. I think telekinesis would have made more sense and then your aura would be based on transmutation magic rather than necromancy. After all, what's a weapon cord and AoO's with 15 ft. reach have to do with necromancy? Nothing. But if telekinetic powers were in play, the transmutation nature of this item would make perfect sense.
So, taken altogether, you came off as an author who just wasn't quite ready yet. You were onto something in the mojo department (though every judge wouldn't have agreed on that) and I thought this was a good try. You just need more practice so you can sharpen your design-fu and presentation. Then, come back strong next year with a more complete examination of your item's in-game mechanics. And make sure you present your item exactly how it would appear in the Core Rulebook.
Summary:
Okay name, but make sure it's in your submission.
Good idea, but not quite a great idea (and we'd haggle over this one if it made the Keep folder).
Mechanically incomplete (you need to fully think things through and communicate clearly)
Writing was okay, but you left a lot of words on the table that could have rounded out the write-up
Several minor missteps in presentation and use of the template
We've already covered an overpowered/abusable example. I'm looking more for any unexamined "auto-reject" advice categories and some sample items we can use to demonstrate them.
I'm still making my way through the Critique thread (oooh, just got to Pharasmin Tomb Stone!), but I thought these might be decent review options -- they caught my eye at least as interesting items:
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot - ; Price 4000 gp; Weight ½ lb.
Description
This small drawstring pouch appears to be empty. Once per day as a move action the user can reach into the pouch and cause a replica of his hand to appear from the opening of similar container (i.e. pouch, bag or pack) in the possession of a target individual. This hand is shaped from the user’s life force and is identical to the hand created by the spectral hand spell. You must have a line of effect to the target.
The user can use the conjured hand to perform a Steal maneuver, a Dirty Trick maneuver or a Sleight of Hand skill check to take something against the bearer of the target container. The conjured hand lacks significant strength and if it is used for another purpose (i.e. grappling, unarmed attack, etc.) the hand disap7pears without harming the target and the hit points used to create the hand are lost. If an item is stolen from the target, it must be able to fit through both container openings in order for the user to gain possession of it; if the object won’t fit through one of the containers, the user can opt to drop it in the target’s square. The target’s container used to create the hand cannot be affected by a Sleight of Hand take attempt or a Steal maneuver using this item. The conjured hand disappears when the user withdraws his hand from the pouch or at the start of the user's next turn, whichever comes first.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand; Cost 2000 gp.
(I couldn't find the judge's comments on it in the Critique thread, but maybe I missed them. Was thinking perhaps too close to Eric's awesome Shadow Falconer's Glove from last year?)
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot headband; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This daedal headband is set with six small, amber gemstones fashioned to resemble winged insects. A simple command word transforms the six gems into tiny flecks of light that randomly whirl and dance about the wearer's head.
The flittering lights fade away harmlessly at a rate of one per round, dissipating entirely after six rounds. During this time, if an opponent within 100 feet attempts to cast a spell, all remaining flecks immediately streak forward and burst like tiny fireworks in the caster's face. The enemy caster must make a concentration check (DC 10 + spell level + number of lights) or lose the spell.
Once discharged, a gemstone magically reforms in the headband every hour until the headband is whole again. The headband may not be reactivated until all six gems have reformed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pyrotechnics; Cost 2,700 gp
(This one obviously had a lot of feedback in the judge's forum/critique thread, but still might be worth your time, Neil?)
My apologies for not reinserting the BBC coding after cutting and pasting them.
Well, my Dust of Reification had comment from the judges about the item pricing issues and not being aware of the new rules in the APG (still a little confused on that one). And then there was the comment about the grammatical mistakes and poor writing.
I can't really help all that much with this one. I thought it was innovative enough to keep it around. Sean made the comment about the APG rules and I suspect he meant the comparison of your item to ghostbane dirge? Clark pointed out the grammatical mistakes and poor writing, which, upon reflection, I agree with. And, seeing as how we've already done an example of a poorly written item with grammar errors, I'll avoid retreading that here.
Pouch of Scoundrel’s Deeds
Interesting name. Concrete object. Hints toward a possible rogue item. Eager to read on...
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Aura and CL are entirely appropriate for an item based around spectral hand. However, spectral hand is an entirely inappropriate spell for this item. That's because spectral hand can't physically interact with other objects. If you wanted to pull off this kind of effect, you'd want to reach for mage hand and some kind of conjuration effect like dimension door to explain the mini-portal through which the hand functions.
Slot - ; Price 4000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Price is missing a comma. Slot and weight are appropriate for a pouch.
Description
This small drawstring pouch appears to be empty.
Kind of uninspired lead-off text. This doesn't really get us into imagining much of a "wondrous" item. And, unfortunately, it doesn't really showcase your skills as a creative writer. When the judges are assessing wondrous item submissions, we're not just looking for good items. Instead, we're trying to look beyond the item to get a better feel for what kind of freelancer you might be. Or, perhaps a different way of putting it is that we're looking at your item submission to see what it can tell us about you. Lead-off descriptive text, your item name, and how evocative you are in explaining its function/mechanics is what gives us insight into your actual writing ability and creativity. We'll also assess creativity in terms of your actual item concept, but I'm just talking about creative writing ability here. You could have done more here and it would have helped you stand out.
Once per day as a move action the user can reach into the pouch and cause a replica of his hand to appear from the opening of similar container (i.e. pouch, bag or pack) in the possession of a target individual. This hand is shaped from the user’s life force and is identical to the hand created by the spectral hand spell. You must have a line of effect to the target.
The user can use the conjured hand to perform a Steal maneuver, a Dirty Trick maneuver or a Sleight of Hand skill check to take something against the bearer of the target container. The conjured hand lacks significant strength and if it is used for another purpose (i.e. grappling, unarmed attack, etc.) the hand disappears without affecting the target and the hit points used to create the hand are lost. If an item is stolen from the target, it must be able to fit through both container openings in order for the user to gain possession of it; if the object won’t fit through one of the containers, the user can opt to drop it in the target’s square. The target’s container used to create the hand cannot be affected by a Sleight of Hand take attempt or a Steal maneuver using this item. The conjured hand disappears when the user withdraws his hand from the pouch or at the start of the user's next turn, whichever comes first.
The general premise of this wondrous item idea has been done already (and more capably, in my opinion) by Eric Hindley of RPGSS 2011 with his shadow falconer's glove. The reason I say that is Eric's glove wasn't dependent on a target having a container through which it had to function. It allowed for both steal and disarm attempts. And, it relied on shadow conjuration to pull off its effects with a greater amount of flavor tied into the raptor/falconer angle. Mechanically, it did something cool with the new steal combat maneuver. And, flavor-wise, it held more creativity. Now, the glove also had its own share of problems in not defining the shadow falcon clearly enough in game terms. But it was going down a better design path overall.
Meanwhile, this pouch of scoundrel's deeds is pretty much duplicating the ranged legerdemain ability from the arcane trickster prestige class...something which you normally have to wait until at least 7th level to pull off. Now granted, arcane tricksters are still having to make Sleight of Hand (or Disable Device) skill checks at range and they take an increasing DC penalty depending on how far away they are from the targeted individual or object. Yet, for just 4,000 gp, you're essentially giving someone this ability with a steal combat maneuver, dirty trick, or Sleight of Hand check, no penalty for the ranged manipulation, and it's available far earlier than you'd normally expect this kind of ability to show up in the game. That's a design flaw.
Additionally, the steal and dirty trick maneuvers aren't capitalized game effects. Skill names like Sleight of Hand are capitalized. Feat names like Improved Dirty Trick or Improved Steal are capitalized. But the underlying combat maneuvers are not.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand; Cost 2000 gp.
Missing a comma on the item's cost. No need for a period after "gp." And again, spectral hand is not an appropriate effect for what this item is attempting to do.
All in all, I think this item falls victim to multiple issues. It duplicates most of the effects from a pretty popular item from last year's competition. It does it in a different way. And it has some slight variation to how it's presented. But, at its very core, the idea has been done. And, frankly, it's been done better. That's knock number one against it.
After that, the item is essentially poaching an arcane trickster's ranged legerdemain ability and cranking it up to even higher potency by the user line of effect to the target and no penalties for any kind of range increment. That's knocks number two and three against it.
Mechanically, it's dependent on the spectral hand spell effect, which isn't capable of impacting the physical world. So, the item's premise starts to fall apart. And, it's an indication that the designer doesn't fully understand the various schools of magic and their application to magic item design. Additionally, game terminology and its representation wasn't carried out correctly for the capitalized combat maneuvers in the description. So, that's knocks four and five against it.
Meanwhile, as I mentioned earlier, the writing itself kind of missed an opportunity to demonstrate some creativity and imagination. We needed to get a sense of how capable a writer the designer could be. We needed to see something more evocative and cinematic about the item and the representation of its powers. This is something the shadow falconer's glove definitely inspired. And, unfortunately, because these two items play around in the same design space, I'm pretty much compelled to compare them.
Summary:
Okay name.
Duplicated idea, not enough inspired innovation or differences to make it stand out.
Misplaced mechanical underpinning, somewhat awkward description of item's function
Uninspired writing, needed more punch, something to tantalize the reader's imagination
Some missteps in presentation and use of the template
Firefly Headband
Cute name. Firefly fans unite! They never should have canceled that show. Okay, let's set that aside...time to assess the item...
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Aura and CL are appropriate for an item based around pyrotechnics.
Slot headband; Price 5,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Slot and weight are fine. Price seems reasonable.
Description
This daedal headband is set with six small, amber gemstones fashioned to resemble winged insects. A simple command word transforms the six gems into tiny flecks of light that randomly whirl and dance about the wearer's head.
Cool description...not only for the item's physical nature, but also the invocation of its power.
The flittering lights fade away harmlessly at a rate of one per round, dissipating entirely after six rounds. During this time, if an opponent within 100 feet attempts to cast a spell, all remaining flecks immediately streak forward and burst like tiny fireworks in the caster's face. The enemy caster must make a concentration check (DC 10 + spell level + number of lights) or lose the spell.
I thought this was a neat, innovative item exercising the concentration mechanics for spellcasters. I thought basing the effect on the spell level plus the number of exploding firefly lights was kind of novel. And I thought the dissipation of those lights on a round by round basis helped build in a set of diminishing returns so an encounter against a spellcasting opponent wouldn't just be an auto-win for the PCs who deployed this item. It's also not overly debilitating to them. Most spellcasters would be able to take on the concentration check as long as they kept up with the proper skill advancement or feats. So, I didn't think it was as game-breaking as some of the other judges feared.
Now, that said, this item submission clocked in at only 159 words. This "distraction" ability with the fireflies is essentially its only schtick. So, I'd actually have liked to see the item do a little more. It could have been punched up with another ability to help sell it. Even something as uncomplicated as a simple set of dancing lights a certain number of times per day. Or a single flare attack ability to also mess with non-spellcasting opponents could have made sense. Sometimes, more is less. And sometimes more is more. This item is an example that could have benefited from the latter, I think.
Once discharged, a gemstone magically reforms in the headband every hour until the headband is whole again. The headband may not be reactivated until all six gems have reformed.
In my opinion, this was the one saving element to this item. Without this caveat, the item could be potentially abusable. Having to wait 6 hours between uses means it won't get trotted out quite so frequently. And, if those gemstones could be used to produce some of those other effects I suggested above, that would make the item even less likely to come into play with maximum potency when used against a spellcaster.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, pyrotechnics; Cost 2,700 gp
Everything is tight here. Well done on using the template. You can tell Jerry's done this before and his designs are more professionally polished as a result. If I have only one suggestion here, it would concern the spell choice in the construction requirements. The distracting quality of a pyrotechnics spell is an area effect thing rather than a single opponent. So, I think a case could have been made to use flare as the foundation for the item since it only targets one individual. Or, if you wanted to try and exercise something new from the Advanced Player's Guide to show us you'd been reading up on the new material and looking for new design niches to play with, you could have substituted flare burst here and I'd have been okay with that, too.
Summary:
Decent name.
Fairly innovative idea, could have used something more to punch it up.
Mechanically complex, the judges were split on supporting its innovation vs. critiquing its possible flaws
Flavorful writing, created a cinematic image from the description of the item's in-game function
Flawless execution of the wondrous item template, obvious professional polish and attention to detail
Bottom line: I thought this item was close. It was a low-level design (i.e., something with a higher difficulty factor), demonstrated a fair amount of innovation in terms of item concept and mechanics, demonstrated some good writing ability, and had all the attention to detail you'd want in a professional freelancer. I think Jerry's very close to making it back to the Top 32. As long as he keeps applying himself to learning the nuances of game design and how this contest works, it's entirely possible he could go very far once he gets into it again.