Taking the advice (and challenge!) of the four judges...


RPG Superstar™ 2012 General Discussion

Shadow Lodge

So yesterday before I went off to work, I listened to the advice given by the judges on the 'So You Want to be an RPG Superstar' panel, which I found incredibly helpful. So first, let me say "thanks". So thanks to the guys on the panel who helped me to see that I probably made my item ass-backwards last year. This year it's going to be different. If I was close last year, I can only I hope I nail it this time.

Secondly, the judges threw down a challenge to us, and that was to create that corset. Since no-one has started a thread for it, I thought I would do it, since I plan on being much more active in this years competition, even if I don't make the top 32 grade.

So I'm going to knock out a rough draft of the corset here, and I'm encouraging you all to do the same.

Corset of Awesome:
Serpentskin Corset
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot chest; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This corset appears to made from mottled black and grey snake scales, of which the pattern seems to change every day. When donned, the wearer feels it shift and tighten slighty around their body, settling into an appropriate shape. In addition to being quite comfortable, this item allows the user to act as if they had the reach of a large creature three times per day as part of an attack action. The user can also squeeze through tight spaces twice per day as if they possessed the compression ability. Finally, the wearer gains a constant +2 competence bonus on Bluff and Diplomacy checks. If a male opts to wear this item, it rebels against him, denying him the competence bonuses, and causing fatigue like heavy armor if slept in, due to the discomfort is causes.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self, eagle's splendor, must be female; Cost 3,000 gp

I apologise for the terrible name. It usually takes me a while to think one up. Also, I wrote this up in about an hour. Take from that what you will.

I was really inspired by the snake idea, so that was what I went for. Plus, the idea that a corset is not really designed for men gave me the idea for the drawback.

Enjoy!

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

I'm afraid you're about 6 months too late on starting such a thread.

Shadow Lodge

Be that as it may, I still wanted to do it, and I couldn't find the old thread (I did try). So I have begun anew.

I'm looking at this as a warm up. Although I am pretty happy with how it turned out.

So aside from commenting on my lack of search-fu, do you have any thoughts for me?

Contributor, RPG Superstar 2009, RPG Superstar Judgernaut

Sure.

Spoiler:

PsionicFox wrote:
Serpentskin Corset

Okay name. Let's us know what the item is right away. And the serpentskin element gives it a nice visual and a hint towards what its powers might involve.

PsionicFox wrote:

Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd

Slot chest; Price 6,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.

Works out mostly okay. I might quibble with the price, but more on that later.

PsionicFox wrote:

Description

This corset appears to made from mottled black and grey snake scales, of which the pattern seems to change every day. When donned, the wearer feels it shift and tighten slighty around their body, settling into an appropriate shape.

It's never a good idea to lead off a statement about your item by talking about what it appears to be. And it looks like you actually left out a "be" in there. Instead, tell us what your item actually looks like. Saying it appears to be like something is akin to saying maybe it is, or maybe it isn't...

Picky? Perhaps. But after seeing a slew of items talk about what an item appears to be, every other item reads so much better when it starts out talking about how it actually looks.

PsionicFox wrote:
In addition to being quite comfortable, this item allows the user to act as if they had the reach of a large creature three times per day as part of an attack action.

This isn't a power we discussed at the RPG Superstar panel. And, you're potentially starting to enter SAK territory if you're going to throw in a second monster ability on top of the compression. So, tread carefully. Also, when you specify a creature's size, that's a game term with a specific presentation style. It should be a "Large" creature.

PsionicFox wrote:
The user can also squeeze through tight spaces twice per day as if they possessed the compression ability.

This was supposed to be the crown jewel of this item, but you've buried it here in the middle of the item's powers. The thing that got the judges excited the most about this idea from the RPG Superstar panel was that it was playing around with the brand new compression mechanic in the Pathfinder RPG. Whereas the rules involving reach in combat have been around since the 3.5 days. So, don't bury your lead. Start out with your best stuff.

PsionicFox wrote:
Finally, the wearer gains a constant +2 competence bonus on Bluff and Diplomacy checks.

Just because? It would come off better if you touched on some more snake-like qualities here to explain why it grants these bonuses.

PsionicFox wrote:
If a male opts to wear this item, it rebels against him, denying him the competence bonuses, and causing fatigue like heavy armor if slept in, due to the discomfort is causes.

I really don't like this design choice. You're intentionally limiting the item so it only appeals to a single gender. We actually talked about the dangers of that in the RPG Superstar panel.

PsionicFox wrote:

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self, eagle's splendor, must be female; Cost 3,000 gp

Except for the "must be female" construction requirement, this is fine. I might quibble with your pricing, though. Putting this item at 6,000 gp to give yourself reach 3 times/day, compression 2 times/day, and a constant +2 bonus on Bluff and Diplomacy checks is quite a lot.

My two cents,
--Neil

Shadow Lodge

Thanks Neil. Really good points. This is probably where I'd start with and item like this. I'd then ignore it for a day or two and come back for a re-read. The male thing came out because I wanted to add some flavour. A man can still use it, just not to full effect.

And you're totally right. I buried the compression rule in there while not making the last power 'snakey' enough.

The snake thing is what inspired the reach power. The 'striking snake' as it were.

But enough. I shall now stop bothering the community, and go work on my actual submission.


So, hopefully I'm not stepping on feet or anything, but based on the commentary given, especially from Neil, here's my own version of PsionicFox's attempt at the corset:

Serpentskin Corset
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot chest; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description
This corset made from mottled black and grey snakeskin magically tightens to fit comfortably around the wearer's torso when donned. While worn, the user can squeeze through narrow spaces as if they had the compression ability for up to 10 rounds each day. The compression effect's duration need not be consecutive rounds. Further, while worn, the corset gives the user a +2 circumstance bonus on the DC of all Charm abilities and spells (such as charm person or a witch's charm hex) used on a character that is (or could be) sexually attracted to you.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self; Cost 2,500 gp

Price might still be a bit off, but pricing a small circumstance bonus to a single subset of spells/abilities is tricky.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8 aka Isaac Duplechain

PsionicFox! We were worried that you had died over in Mists of War! Come have a chat with us over there. I kind of stole your character, though, FYI.

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