1001 Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Say / Do At the Gaming Table


Gamer Life General Discussion


Name my wizard Boomie.
Create a dual wielding Drow.
Play a Kender.
Give my Orcish Fighter the tagline: "Orc smash!"
Stop combat in order to debate my character's motivation.
Spike the Game Master's root beer.
Play a Dwarf with a Scottish accent.


Begin my character's back story with, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Play a Ninja.
Create a character who's background consists of his parents being killed by an Orcish raid.


Play a pacifist warrior character who doesn't believe in fighting and violence.

Name my elf character Legolass.

Have my barbarian talk with an austrian accent.

Play a wookie.

Name your weapon Excalibur or Mjolnir.

Have your barbarian say "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!" everytime he unsheaths his sword.

Arrive at the gaming table without your character sheets and/or dice.

Try to grapple with EVERY foe (ugh!).

Convince your adventuring team to beat the world record in 'The Team With The Most Animal Companions' category.

Play a rogue that always wants to secretly steal from the group while they're sleeping.


Just in case anyone hasn't already found this:

Mr Welch's list,

for far more, and funnier, things than I could ever come up with.


Use a nerf gun to indicate my character's displeasure.

Use a replica or wooden sword to 'act out' my warrior's actions.

(this one is proxy for one of my group members from highschool) - Drink Ice Tea in anything but a child proof sippi cup.


CourtFool wrote:
Create a character who's background consists of his parents being killed by an Orcish raid.

This. Oh my sweet fancy goodness, this.


Kender forever!!!

Grand Lodge

Make a "vrramp" noise when my soulknife creates his mind blade

Make a "kssh kssh" noise everytime my soulknife parries a blow


MendedWall12 wrote:
CourtFool wrote:
Create a character who's background consists of his parents being killed by an Orcish raid.
This. Oh my sweet fancy goodness, this.

Now I want to make a character with this background, but who is generally ambivalent and careful not to judge all orcs based on his own experiences.


@ Evil Lincoln Hehehehhehehe!

In my case I should never say anything along the lines of: "Well if X was actually Y this would be so much worse."


Yar.


  • Thinking like an evil GM when I'm a player instead of the GM.

    Me: "What would really be brutal is if this trap worked like this, this monster had this ability, and used these tactics against us."

    GM: "That's a really good idea!"

    Every other player at the table: "OMG shut up! Why are you still talking!? We're all going to die! *despair*"

    ... technically I haven't been banned from speaking/giving evil advice yet, but I'm sure I'm close. :D

  • Actually speak a different language and/or gibberish when my character is speaking in a language that no one else speaks

  • Playing a character that only speaks an obscure language that no one else knows and who never bothered to learn to speak anything else (especially common)

  • Playing hilariously appropriate yet incredibly distracting music at just the right time (danger zone while a wild-shaped druid flies into an enemy fort as an eagle holding alchemists fire bombs in his talons, for example)

And now for some that are not for me, but for other's that I've played with:

  • smoking in my house

  • Showing up

~P


Date the GM.


Evil Lincoln wrote:
MendedWall12 wrote:
CourtFool wrote:
Create a character who's background consists of his parents being killed by an Orcish raid.
This. Oh my sweet fancy goodness, this.
Now I want to make a character with this background, but who is generally ambivalent and careful not to judge all orcs based on his own experiences.

Along these same lines... Create a half-orc barbarian whose background consists of his mother being raped during an orc raid, and now he/she struggles with their own orc heritage, which causes them to fly into fits of rage.

Just once I'd like a see a half-orc character created from a loving union of a ridiculously charismatic orc, and a less than attractive (perhaps hideously ugly) human ostracized by his/her own kind. This way the half-orc character could actually struggle with the HUMAN side of their being, and how humans cast out his mother/father.

Just once I'd like to see that.


How about a human raid on an Orc village?


CourtFool wrote:
How about a human raid on an Orc village?

Where the human woman actually did the raping? There's a story in there somewhere.


I have wanted to play a Goblin or Half-Orc Bard.

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

Trap the bedroom doors of my allies

Throw bombs at Kender

Attach lightning rods to trolls

Talk in character about useless parts of character history until the other PCs either can't stop laughing or they tell me to shut up.

No calling other PCs my "minions"

Never assume another party member would okay with any plan without talking to them.

I will not burn down the village, even if I do intend to rebuild it for them.

No naming minions "Francis." Especially if I am a Gnome.

I can no longer play Tinker Gnome, even if I do promise to play them sane.

I will not search through every book, supplement, PDF, and site just to find that one rule/class/race/feat/etc. that would make my character better then everyone else.

I will no longer suggest bean burritos as an appropriate food for an all day gaming session.

If more then two other people in the room can name the character my PC is based on, I cannot play that PC.

I am not allowed to ask Elves how their race procreates with the social law that states they can only commit coitus with members of the same gender.

I cannot ask random elves to make me cookies, toys, or shoes. I cannot ask them to do any cleaning either.

I cannot ask dwarves how rocks taste.

Not all dwarven women wear beards, and I cannot insist that they should.

Throwing the dwarf is a worse idea then poking a sleeping dragon.

No feeding the party anything cooked by my character, no matter how many ranks I put into cooking.

I am not to insist that the fighter looks better in dragon leather then the dragon we are trying to negotiate with.

Selling potions is okay. Selling plastic pink flamingos, not okay.

Dungeons and carts don't work well together.

Metagaming is bad. Metagaming for other players is worse. Metagaming for the DM is suicidal.

iPads at the gaming table are acceptable. Laptops are tolerated. Desktops are forbidden. The GM will tire of helping you unpack it from your van.

My battle cry will make sense to the situation. No more screaming, "Millennium Hand and Shrimp!" as I attack.


1 person marked this as a favorite.
CalebTGordan wrote:


My battle cry will make sense to the situation. No more screaming, "Millennium Hand and Shrimp!" as I attack.

But thats the best and most appropriate battle cry ever!


CalebTGordan wrote:


Throw bombs at Kender

I don't get why this would be not allowed...at my table it is a requirment.


Embrace my inner failed novelist through my character's background.

Claim to be the pizza delivery boy at every dungeon door we encounter.

Dump Int as a 'role playing device'


John Kretzer wrote:
CalebTGordan wrote:


Throw bombs at Kender

I don't get why this would be not allowed...at my table it is a requirment.

shakes fist

Grand Lodge

I will not inadvertantly teach a group of orcs how to raid and pillage.

I will not argue about character motivations for why my character is on this stupid quest to begin with.

Grand Lodge

My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.

When my PC is at -9 HP it is not the best time for the cleric to convert him.

I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.

I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.

Tourretes is not a flaw; it is a reason to kill the character at creation.

I am not Too sexy for the elf / Too sexy for the elf / So sexy myself.

If at any point my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.

In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The other guys."

I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.

Shadow Lodge

Mr. Welch wrote:
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.

I disagree with this entirely. Killing the dragon with a 1d2 weapon of any sort is only less deserving of a victory lap than killing the dragon with a 1 non-lethal damage weapon.

Shadow Lodge

"How much experience for the peasant?"


Intentionally mispronounce NPC names to make them funnier.

Cast Light on my fingernail and tell the rogue to "Be good."

Play a dwarf who mocks beardless women.

Ask all halflings if they feel guilty when they rob the innocent.

Sing pop songs with character names similar to NPCs:

Inane songs I've sung at the DM:

It's a bad way
Rockshar
You don't have to put on the red light
Rockshar . . .

My name is Lukhan
I live on the second floor
I live upstairs from you
Yes I think you've seen me before . . .

I'll never stop saying
Fariah
Fariah, Fariah
Say it loud and there's music playing
Say it soft and it's almost like praying . . .


jlighter wrote:
"How much experience for the peasant?"

I assume this translates into:

"I am no longer allowed to kill random npcs just for the pleasure of it?"


Agincourt wrote:

Intentionally mispronounce NPC names to make them funnier.

Cast Light on my fingernail and tell the rogue to "Be good."

Play a dwarf who mocks beardless women.

Ask all halflings if they feel guilty when they rob the innocent.

Sing pop songs with character names similar to NPCs:
** spoiler omitted **

thumbs up for the songs.


W E Ray wrote:

My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.

Oh, wow. I laughed so hard I dislodged the cat and the girl. Both are now upset with me and it's your fault.


I am not allowed to use the magic item creation rules to create doomsday weapons, even if it's legit and reasonably priced.

I am not allowed to build traps, even harmless or beneficial ones.

My dwarf barbarian can not dual wield mercurial great axes and be named Thwack McThwack.


I am not allowed to use a Portable Hole as a substitute latrine, or for masturbatory purposes.


HeHateMe wrote:


I am not allowed to use a Portable Hole as a substitute latrine, or for masturbatory purposes.

Similarly, I am not allowed to use a Bag of Holding for a substitute latrine either.

Grand Lodge

Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

I am not allowed to feed and tame the ogre if we want to keep the bard in the party.


HeHateMe wrote:
HeHateMe wrote:


I am not allowed to use a Portable Hole as a substitute latrine, or for masturbatory purposes.
Similarly, I am not allowed to use a Bag of Holding for a substitute latrine either.

That's what a Bag of Devouring is for, silly, although maybe not for that second purpose...


Nazard wrote:
HeHateMe wrote:
HeHateMe wrote:


I am not allowed to use a Portable Hole as a substitute latrine, or for masturbatory purposes.
Similarly, I am not allowed to use a Bag of Holding for a substitute latrine either.
That's what a Bag of Devouring is for, silly, although maybe not for that second purpose...

Hehehe, nice. Actually, a better idea would be to use other party members' bags of holding for both those purposes...

Oh, and continuing on with the theme, I am not allowed to use other party members' Bags of Holding as substitute vomitoriums.

Liberty's Edge

I am not allowed to come to the gaming table dressed as my character.

Chain mail bikinis = nice.

Chain mail biknis on a guy = suddenly creepy?

Tch ... double standards ...


Decide to play a Chelish character in a group comprised of 4 gnomes, 1 half-orc and an elf.


As a DM, I am no longer allowed to give Kobolds the Phalanx Fighting feat (from Comp. Warrior or Heroes of Battle).

Sczarni RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32

Doc_Outlands wrote:
As a DM, I am no longer allowed to give Kobolds the Phalanx Fighting feat (from Comp. Warrior or Heroes of Battle).

I would add teamwork feats of any kind to that list.


Doc_Outlands wrote:
As a DM, I am no longer allowed to give Kobolds the Phalanx Fighting feat (from Comp. Warrior or Heroes of Battle).

To reaffirm my point up thread yea but its really only bad when they also have the swarmfighting feat so multiple Kobolds can stand and attack per 5 ft square


Yeah, swarmfighting was supposed to be next... My group collectively vetoed THAT idea!


I may no longer threaten my players with AC 30 kobold swarms when they get uppity.

Surrendering enemies are not appropriate projectile weapons.

I may not solve interparty disputes by clubbing one party member into submission with the other party member.

I'm not allowed to shout "double dumb@#% on you!" when I successfully feeblemind an opponent.

Hammers are not suitable alternatives to thieves tools in all situations.

Neither are explosives.

Or war dogs.

Dark Archive

True story:

I am no longer allowed to play my handless dwarf character that dual-wields stump-knives and enters a lunatic rage when confronted by his arch-nemesis: the doorknob.

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