Your best one liner from a player at a PFS table (use spoilers when appropriate)


Pathfinder Society

51 to 100 of 105 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | next > last >>
The Exchange 5/5

I think the board needs a little humor today... so I'm necroing a great thread...

(and here's the set up for the one liner...
My wife runs a Pregnant Cleric (she says she's about 6 months along and that explains the DEX of 8) - and at the start of a fight her first action is to Cast Bless. You see, we were trying to NOT start the fight, and hadd practicing non-aggression etc. and it seemed like a non-threatening spell to her... but the BBE responds by casting create pit spell on her. She rolled a nat 20 Reflex and avoided it (her Reflex was +2 or something).

The cleric responded by blinding him, and someone else hit him with a 1 minute deafened effect (sonic bomb) - and things went down hill from there for him... anyway, after the fight, the captured thug is trying to talk his way out of being captured, saying that we should remove the blindness and free him 'cause we had "started it all!". My PC responds that not only had one of his guards drawn the first weapon (and first blood) HE had tried to throw a pregnant lady in a PIT! This got the judge to repond in character "She was Pregnant? I thought she was just fat!"

0.0 My response..."wow dude, I think your chances of getting that blindness spell turned off just went down."

Silver Crusade 5/5

3 people marked this as a favorite.

I cast Unnatural Lust on a Mook - sending him after the Druids Big Cat companion... He scrambles over and hugs said kitty, and I then slumber hex him...

This means that later, when he wakes up, he remembers unnaturally lustful thoughts (and actions), just before he blacked out. Only to come to some time later (we searched him while he as asleep), with his clothing in dis-array, with a happy lion sitting next to him purring.

Yah... what happens in Almas, stays in Almas...

Silver Crusade

We entered a dungeon and got into a fight with some guys.
They used spiked chains and used their reach to hit us from one square away.
"Wait, they got reach with spiked chains? How does that work?!"
"They got a feat for that."
"Really, what is it called?"
"3.5 Legacy Rules."
Yeah, it was a Season 0 scenario not adapted for Pathfinder...leading to this exchange later:
"We should steal their weapons."
"Why? Those are just spiked chains..."
"Dude, those are 3.5 spiked chains! Back then these things were the s~!$!"
"Yeah, but you're lacking the 3.5 Legacy Rules feat..."
"Dang!"
Yeah, we walzed through the scenario without any major problems...<_<

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32

When sent to recover stolen goods from some thieves out in no-man's-land, my party's cavalier got right to the point:

"Give us the s**+ or die."

My cranky eldritch knight was satisfied with that summation of the situation.

Scarab Sages 4/5

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path Subscriber

During

Spoiler:
Seige of the Diamond City
we came across a group of devils guarding an orphanage. Some Silver Crusaders got mad, but my Paladin pointed out (like he was from the ACLU):

"These Devils have a legal right to be here."

5/5 ⦵⦵⦵

3 people marked this as a favorite.

"How did their names get on the wall if they weren't actually pathfinders?

"Chisel.

4/5

Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Wardstone Patrol:
The party gets to the demon-affected pollen and half the party starts getting angry and accusatory. My bloodrager, borne of poor INT, saved and assumed it had to do with the change of grass. In summing it up...

"Ah, dickweed."

Silver Crusade

raylyynsedai wrote:
Tim Statler wrote:
"if it's on the map, I can hit it with my hammeer!"
had a dwarf with an enchanted throwing hammer say something along the same lines once rite before he fumbled his attack roll throwing into melee. he then said "just because i can hit it (the BBEG) does not mean i did not mean to hit the elf warrior."

You realize you can't use the critical miss deck in Society, right?

Grand Lodge 5/5 Regional Venture-Coordinator, Eastern Eurasia-Africa

3 people marked this as a favorite.

So the party was told that ordering salted pork in this particular establishment was inadvisable, (cause sometimes it came with tattoos).

Of couse my Tengu (carrion feeder) ordered the salted pork!

Logically the rest of the party started ordering chicken, turkey and axebeak!

Liberty's Edge 5/5 Venture-Lieutenant, Indiana—Martinsville aka thaX

1 person marked this as a favorite.

A funny moment in Scars of the Third Crusade.

Spoiler:
The paladin confronts "the Pathfinders" and begins to amanish them and blame them for causing trouble. My character, Uh Oh, looks at her.

"Tell me, just how far up does that stick go?"


11 people marked this as a favorite.

Played a game once where we traveled to a research outpost that the society lost contact with. Once we arrived we were informed they were having issues with some fey. Our druid responds, "Oh, first world problems."

Shadow Lodge 5/5 Regional Venture-Coordinator, Northwest aka WalterGM

1 person marked this as a favorite.

When playing an AP we encountered a troll cave, the entrance of which was flanked by a pair of broken, overturned wagons.

One of the people watching the table cried out, "So I guess you could say they're in... wagony."

Grand Lodge 5/5 Venture-Captain, Arizona—Phoenix aka TriOmegaZero

3 people marked this as a favorite.

When the sorceress is described as having glowing tattoos across her skin, and is being condescending to the nagaji druid...

"Mammal, are you pregnant? I have heard the females of your species glow at such times."


Sense motive on the GM!

You see great evil.

Scarab Sages 5/5

While playing in a group with a lecherous bard, I realized my character had access to a partially charged wand of Share Memory.

PRD wrote:
You momentarily link your mind with the target and share a single memory of no longer than 1 minute. You can show the target one of your memories, show the target one of its own memories, or view one of the target's memories.

Once we had obtained the information we needed from the people, he immediately looked at me and said "And now the fun beings." Wanting to impart a memory of his onto the NPC.

Silver Crusade

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Jayson MF Kip wrote:
"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

I was a player who did this.

First Steps:
The old lady at the orphanage; after outright calling her out on her BS, the GM said something to the effect of "She reaches into her pocket..." He gets cut off by the wizard who shouted IT'S A KNIFE! I immediately have my paladin clunk her on the head for nonlethal damage... with my earthbreaker... and I forgot that I rolled assuming power attack damage... and I crit... Needless to say, I had in interesting time explaining to the guards why I smashed this poor Granny's head in (albeit accidentally).

The best part? I asked the GM "Oh god, where can I go get an atonement?" He looked at his notes and asked what god I was. I told him Abadar, and he looks down at his notes again and says, "Well she was using children illegally as slave labor. I'm pretty sure the authorities would have put her to death anyways so... no atonement necessary."

Liberty's Edge 5/5 Venture-Lieutenant, Indiana—Martinsville aka thaX

Sera Dragonbane wrote:
Jayson MF Kip wrote:
"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

I was a player who did this.

** spoiler omitted **

So the damage you did Non-lethally was twice the hps of the target plus negative Con?

I assume that it was, since that particular NPC was basically a commoner.

Silver Crusade

thaX wrote:
Sera Dragonbane wrote:
Jayson MF Kip wrote:
"Ah, crap. Did I nonlethal that guy to death?"

I was a player who did this.

** spoiler omitted **

So the damage you did Non-lethally was twice the hps of the target plus negative Con?

I assume that it was, since that particular NPC was basically a commoner.

It's not so hard to do when you are using a weapon that does 2d6 damage, crits for x3 damage, and are doing a static +9 to damage. All in all, that is 6d6+27... in a Tier one scenario.

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Martial Artist/Urban Barbarian, I'm chasing a guy who just started a rampage of animals on an unsuspecting party of nobles. I catch up and want to question him, so of course I call a non-lethal punch to the back of his head. Well, Rage-on, Roll: Crit, Confirm...

GM: "Your fist goes through his skull, and is covered in pink/grey goo."

Sent him from full to neg con twice...

Grand Lodge

"I've been sent on this fool's errand by Dreng..."
*Later*
"DRENG!!!"
~ Our party Barbarian while fetching a "package" for Venture Captain Dreng

"Have you considered switching to following the tenets of the prophet Kalistrade?"
~ Our gnome oracle, to a very hungry pack of ghouls

3/5 Venture-Lieutenant, Louisiana—New Orleans aka Duncan7291

PaizoCon last year - Confirmation. FOR THE FROG KING!
And roll playing kid and dad as guards (disguise spell and sleeves of many garments), Kid - (searching for contra band) "dont forget to check the special places" Dad - "we only talk about that in private"

The fun sleeves of many garments provide.

Sovereign Court

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Con of the North this year - The half-orc bard rousing the crowd with an inspiring speech and screaming "CHAOSSSSSSSS!" and doing *jazz hands*.

Can't forget the *jazz hands*

The entire table was doing it the rest of the scenario.

Previous year Con of the North - The party needs to sneak a rod into the city without being caught. The same half-orc looks at her dead goblin puppets and says "Da comrades, I have an idea".

Natuska, making every Con of the North memorable.

Grand Lodge 5/5

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Paizo Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber

Back in the day before the sub-tiers, my Oracle with Blackened curse is in a party who are all near the top of the scenario range and I was barely in it (5-9 I think?), and a poor initiative... in one of the scenes I am watching a well-laid plan of the party absolutely devastate this mook encounter, standing outside of the building with the sorceress who just Mercy fireballed the room using the stealthy monk to clear the visual block on the window, and other shenanigans...

Eventually it's Knells' turn (me) - the GM asks me what I do. I say, "I cast burning hands and make popcorn."

That line is STILL our go-to to say, "I'm delaying and am okay with that, 'cause my friends have this covered."

The Exchange 5/5

encountering a pair of Snake swarms, after a good Kn(Nature) roll I ask if they have Scent ability - they do, so I toss a Flask of Noxious Aromatic and catch both swarms! yeah! They both miss their Fort save, so the one I hit is Nauseated and the other is sickened....

So - Nauseated - the swarm only gets a move action while it's puking.... so the swarm moves over me - damage is done and I'm distracted (nauseated) too... all I have to say about it is....

"I didn't realize they were SPITTING Cobras"!

Scarab Sages 5/5 ⦵⦵⦵

Prof. Wat Sun wrote:

encountering a pair of Snake swarms, after a good Kn(Nature) roll I ask if they have Scent ability - they do, so I toss a Flask of Noxious Aromatic and catch both swarms! yeah! They both miss their Fort save, so the one I hit is Nauseated and the other is sickened....

So - Nauseated - the swarm only gets a move action while it's puking.... so the swarm moves over me - damage is done and I'm distracted (nauseated) too... all I have to say about it is....

"I didn't realize they were SPITTING Cobras"!

Serves you right for making them sick! *sniffs, and puts one of the snakes over her shoulder and pats it back*

Shadow Lodge

Chicken-Chucks

Nun-chickens

The Exchange

During Siege of the Diamond City (Tier 10-11);

Our party was protecting a summoner. This giant gorilla-demon with a head in the center of its chest shows up, grapples my fighter. She can't break the grapple, and while he's holding her, he's basically molesting her, since she's a tiefling. The GM and I were going back and forth with the dialogue, until I finally lost it and almost fell out of my chair laughing. To this day all it takes for me to threaten to throw the nearest hard-cover rulebook is for someone to say...

"You sure do have a purty mouth..."

5/5 ⦵⦵⦵

Darkest vengence: what happens in ustalav STAYS in ustalav:

Ok, so the party consists of

Perch Blackbeak: White tengu of death (archer rogue)
Clint Barton: Archery Slayer
Zalren: A monk of the mountain
Grr A foxform kitsune

Since we had the only party we'd ever seen that actually could do the mission impossible thing and sneak into a place, we spent a lot of time trying to sneak in. We got in, found some bodies in barrels and went to the fully stocked bar. And proceed to put most of it into bags of holding.

We hear mook 1 coming. The slayer sits at the bar drinking bemoaning the loss of his ex wife. The rest of the party hides. He walks around the corner, calls for his friends.... and sees a guy just sitting at the bar. The kitsune pops around the corner before his turn comes up and headbutts him in the groin with an untrained unarmed strike.

Nat 20 to hit. 18 on the die to confirm. 6 on the sneak attack dice. 24 points of damage... to a 5 hit point first level expert has him dying in the worst way possible from subdual damage.

We get the rest of them alive, make note of the poor unfortunate souls address and head to the basement. We're in a room with blood all over the place and a dead body slumped on the floor. Clint, knowing what bad news creepy dolls are, tries to throw some torches onto the pile of dolls and... Creepy doll thing pops out of the piano and K.O.s Grr and Clint in the surprise round.

Creepy doll wants someone to play the piano for her... the tengu has perform and keeps rolling worse.. and worse.... He suggests painting the unconscious slayer. (who carries paint to keep track of his numerous expendable birds, including the tengu) So he gets a face full of daisies and pink kittens while he's unconscious.

Zalren uses profession bartender and his ample supplies to quickly set up some shot glasses for an impromptu tea party, and chat with the little girl about where shes from, how long she's been down here, what happened to the dead body 5 feet away, and if she'd like to come work in the ustalav opera house.

They wake up the fox, who is usually pretty good about letting someone else decide if the fight is starting or not. The doll decides he needs a bath (he's still covered in blood from before) and a big pink bow on his neck. Grrs not sure about all this, till the conversation rolls around about what happened to the body.

Dm: Creepy doll voice *He didn't play very good and had to be punished...*

Grrs tail wagging, paws under chin. I am the cutest dolly ever. Gorum please avert your eyes why yes i think i would love a new bow.

We let the doll keep painting the slayer, convince her we'll be right back after the tengu takes a short break, drag the slayer into the next room, shut the door.

He points at the fox and laughs at the ribbon.

The fox gets a mirror and holds it up.

Tengu gets a 30 bluff to tell him he has no idea where the girl got the paint.

Shadow Lodge 5/5 Venture-Lieutenant, North Carolina—Asheville aka mogmismo

2 people marked this as a favorite.

Intro of Overflow Archives:
"So, let me get this straight, we are to plumb Zartas' moist vault?"
--warning innuendo ahead

Dark Archive 2/5 Venture-Agent, Australia—NSW—Bondi Junction aka Beltin Amorus

playing with an int 6 apocalypse oracle, follower of rovagug.

"if i bring an end to the world, i won't know that it was my fault."

rest of the group, "right so don't let him near anything that could end the world."

the gm had a load of fun trying to come with ways for me to end the world while the rest of the group kept on shouting "don't do it!!!"

2/5

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Michael Tracey wrote:
** spoiler omitted ** --warning innuendo ahead

Let's be clear about this:

Spoiler:
Lady Zarta wants the Pathfinders to check out Kreighton Shaine's moist vault.

Big difference.

5/5 ⦵⦵⦵

robertness wrote:
Michael Tracey wrote:
** spoiler omitted ** --warning innuendo ahead

Let's be clear about this: ** spoiler omitted **

Big difference.

She wanted to watch

Grand Lodge 5/5 Venture-Captain, Washington—Seattle aka Taenia

2 people marked this as a favorite.

In a certain museum:
During Silvermount Collection we encountered the laser pistol wielding woman on the statue and the GM has her say during our discussion, "this technology belongs to us!" and I immediately responded,"No! It belongs in a museum!"

Silver Crusade

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Hmm... I never posted in this thread. I've got a few oldies that are worth mentioning.

One of my favorite scenarios to GM allows me to watch the players' reactions whenever I tell them, "The chair attacks you". Best reaction I ever got was from a guy playing a ranger: "Good thing I have favored enemy: furniture."

At a convention once, I was GMing a table with a 9 year old girl playing an archery focused ranger. This kid was bloodthirsty. At one point, they're supposed to try and find a way into a warehouse in public, in broad daylight, while there's a guard outside sitting on a barrel.

Girl: "I shoot the guard with an arrow."

After it was explained to her that starting a fight in public like that would draw the city guard and get them all arrested: "It's not starting a fight if I just shoot him with an arrow." During the course of further debate, she also came out with this gem: "But he's asking for it. He's sitting on a barrel."

4/5

I've got a couple good ones.

A certain Hellknight mook had a "Fights until death" morale condition. So, the party beats to poor SOB down to well below negative Con. My gnome summonerdidn't want to kill the guy, being part of the Chelish faction himself. So, the eidelon sits on the mook (essentially pinning the corpse,) my gnome whips out his scroll of Breath of Life and successfully makes the UMD check. "Perhaps you didn't hear me the first time. This is the information I was asking for. Are you going to answer me this time?"

In Scions of the Sky Key Part One, I had a player run through at least 10 Harry Dresden quotes while playing a fire based playtest occultist.

5/5 ⦵⦵⦵

RealAlchemy wrote:

I've got a couple good ones.

A certain Hellknight mook had a "Fights until death" morale condition. So, the party beats to poor SOB down to well below negative Con. My gnome summonerdidn't want to kill the guy, being part of the Chelish faction himself. So, the eidelon sits on the mook (essentially pinning the corpse,) my gnome whips out his scroll of Breath of Life and successfully makes the UMD check. "Perhaps you didn't hear me the first time. This is the information I was asking for. Are you going to answer me this time?"

A true chelaxian would say "until death do i fight, and i did! Now I can surrender"

Sovereign Court 5/5 RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8

Running *redacted* today and the party is being mauled by ghouls. To avoid a TPK, I decide the healthy one is dragging the paralyzed fighter out of combat. Player doesn't immediately notice I moved the minis, then suddenly does.

"Hey, I wasn't there!"

"I know, on his turn he drug you 15'. He's decided he has his lunch and is going home.

Player is now horrified. "Save me! I don't want to be take out!"

Grand Lodge 4/5 Venture-Captain, California—Sacramento aka FLite

Party is fighting an large ooze in a narrow corridor. Two front liners have already moved up and engaged the ooze. The warpriest lacks a reach weapon and wants to get in on the action and decides to acrobatics through it's square. I decide not to even try to imagine what that would look like, and let him try. He fails. Badly. The ooze gets to hit him, it succeeds, it has reach and grab, it succeeds on the grab. Since it has now grabbed him at range, he is move to an adjacent square. The only adjacent square available is on the far side of the ooze, where he wanted to go.

"Okay, you got to where you wanted to be, it just hurt a lot more than you expected it too."

At which point we discovered that he had no one handed weapons, not even a dagger, punching the ooze will hurt him far more than it will hurt the ooze, he was too weak to break the grapple on anything but a 20, and couldn't make the necessary check to cast in a grapple even on a 20. And was now out of range of any of the other PCs ability to heal him.

Grand Lodge 4/5 Venture-Captain, California—Sacramento aka FLite

Actually, that game had a lot of good one liners:

The level nine priest casting speak with dead.

"He failed his saving throw? That has never happened before. Um... How does this spell work?"

Dark Archive 5/5

We Be Goblins Too!

Knocks on the big bad's door: "Goblin Scout Cookies!!"

In Wrath's Shadow

(Very early in the game) Description of the area is read: "Back to the boat!!"

That one keeps coming back.

4/5

2 people marked this as a favorite.

In City of Strangers 2, my party was steamrolling the combat, so I guess we were a little bit cocky. We end up knocking on the door of the final boss.

"Who is it?"

A varied chorus of responses : "Would you like to buy some Hecksquire cookies?" "Aspis consortium recruiting drive!" And finally, "Landshark!"

3/5 Venture-Agent, Pennsylvania—King of Prussia aka Alexander Augunas

Playing in Carrion Hill.

Saagi: "I figured that after watching a third of their friends die, they'd like some chocolate is all."

Guard: "Look, I know you feel badly for them, lady, but do you KNOW what it looks like when a strange Tian woman tries to hand out bars of exotic candy to our town's orphans? I simply can't let you do that."

Liu (Me): "Sorry, Saagi. Looks like you've been choc-blocked."

3/5 Venture-Agent, Pennsylvania—King of Prussia aka Alexander Augunas

7 people marked this as a favorite.

Playing in Carrion Hill.

Saagi (Getting Grappled by a Lovecraftian Horror): "AAAAAH! No! Let go of me! I'm a teenage girl from Minkai, I KNOW HOW THIS ENCOUNTER ENDS!"

Sovereign Court 4/5

Pathfinder Battles Case Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Maps, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber

True Dragons of Absalom:
What kind of crappy dragon are you, I have more gold in this bag that your whole horde.

Scarab Sages 3/5 Venture-Agent

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Had 2 good ones this weekend at the same table.

Returned to the Sky:
One of the players is playing Conan O'Brien the Barbarian. After rescuing Andar from the ruffians, and impressing him with tales of their exploits one of the party hands him a dagger, and tells him when he's older he can be an adventurer too.

Andar "How did you guys get to be so amazing?"

Conan "Some of its genetic."

When setting up an encounter for the party I used a group of unpainted Bones miniatures for the minions, two unpainted metal minis for robots, and the one painted mini for the groups leader. We then rolled initiative, and combat got underway. The fighter draws his weapons, charges, and the player running him proclaims "I attack the colored guy!"

Shadow Lodge

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Zach Davis wrote:
The fighter draws his weapons, charges, and the player running him proclaims "I attack the colored guy!"

I literally had a player shout "Kill the black guys!" in the exact same context.

Dark Archive

A couple from my PFS lodge...

"I have more hit points then you"... Said by the bard after our ranger put on a cursed belt.. and went down to 3 Con. Funny thing was that the player of that ranger had GM'd the module as Standard before, and had forgotten that belt is cursed. So he put it on the second he learned it was a "belt of strength". :)

Or during last week's Core session someone asked my monk Xao why she had two kama when her fists are better weapons. Xao responded with "Because some times my fists just can't cut it." It took half the session before everyone got the joke.


An encounter occurs in a small inlet of a nearby body of water the city sits adjacent to. The GM calls for initiative, then sets out four crab figurines.
"Ah! A crab quartet in C! Get it, guys? In C? Like a sea of water?" Quoth the player.
The puns may prove more dire than the beasts we fought...


After a cleric is owning us channeling negative energy we sundered her holy symbol. This cleric pulls out a second one and channels again.

So my friend sunders her next one and shouts

"Where is your god now!"

51 to 100 of 105 << first < prev | 1 | 2 | 3 | next > last >>
Community / Forums / Organized Play / Pathfinder Society / Your best one liner from a player at a PFS table (use spoilers when appropriate) All Messageboards

Want to post a reply? Sign in.