A mom and son come home from the store. The son immediately opens the box of animal crackers they bought, pours it out onto the table, and starts sifting through the crackers. The mom asks "What are you doing?" The son replies "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken, so I'm looking for the seal."
Earlier today I was walking down the street and saw a sign in the window of a local shop. It said "Help Wanted". So, I ran up, kicked open the door, and yelled "What's wrong? Is anyone hurt? Should I call 911? WHY DO YOU WANT HELP!!?"
A woman is upset about her husband's funeral. She tells the funeral director "You have my husband in a brown suit, and I specifically said I wanted him buried in a blue suit." The funeral director apologized, then called out to his assistant "Bill! I need you to switch the heads on #2 and #5!"
A man sees a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale". Intrigued, he goes in and asks to speak to the dog. He asks the dog "So, what have you done with your life?" The dog answers "I've led a full life. I worked as a rescue dog in the Alps, and saved over 30 lives. I then became a bomb-sniffing dog in Iraq, and saved the lives of more than 50 of our brave fighting men and women. Now, I spend my days reading to the residents of a hospice, bringing them joy and comfort in their last days." The man is astonished! He turns to the owner and asks "How could you sell such an incredible dog like this?" The owner says "Because he's a liar! He's never done any of that!"
In more serious news, yesterday we did the "big island" tour. The highlight of the trip was our guide: A transplanted Wisconsonite who, after 27 years away, still had that wonderful northern drawl and knack for random storytelling. I swear, we were on, "A Prairie Home Companion Visits Hawaii". It was side-splitting!
The lowlight: Impus Major throwing up in the airport on the way home, meaning he's still not fully mended, and today is Zipline day.
Spoiler:
Have I mentioned being nice to employees? NobodysWife raced over and found a custodian, apologizing profusely for the mess. She was wonderful, said it was no problem at all, and she really appreciated that we'd gotten him into an open-air area and then let her know immediately. We told her we didn't want to move him for fear of making her job even harder, and she winked, nudged me conspiratorially, and laughed, "Once you get him down that escalator, it's not my area. Somebody else's problem, eh?"
So me moved him downstairs, much to her delight. Wonderful woman. And "just" an airport custodian to whom we were nice and polite.
A girl asks her father "Why does it rain? Is God crying?" Her father says "No, dear. It rains so the plants will grow. Do you understand?" The little girl replies "Not really. If that's what rain is for, why does it fall on the street, or the parking lot?"
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He walks up to them and says "Hey! I'm Jesus Christ!" The first priest says "No, my son. You are not." The drunk says "Yes I am! I'm Jesus Christ!" The second priest says "I'm afraid you are mistaken." The drunk says "I am too Jesus Christ! Come here and I'll prove it!" He leads the two priests back into the bar. As they come in, the bartender looks at the drunk and says "Jesus Christ, are you back already?"
A young boy is pulling his wagon up a hill when one of the wheels falls off and rolls away. The boy says "I'll be damned!" The local priest happened to by walking by, and told the boy "You really shouldn't say things like that. I'll help you fix the wheel if you promise that from now on you'll say 'Praise the Lord' instead when things like that happen." The boy agrees, so the priest helps him retrieve the wheel and affix back on the wagon. A few days later, the boy and the priest happen to meet again on the same hill. As they are walking, the wheel falls off again and starts to roll away. The boy stops and says "Praise the Lord!" All of the sudden, the wheel stops, rolls back to the wagon, and reattaches to the axle. The priest sees this and says "I'll be damned!"
A man is walking down a beach in California and finds a bottle. When he opens it, a genie comes out and says he will grant the man a wish. The man says "Well, I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm scared of flying. Can you make a highway that runs from here to Hawaii?" The genie says "I'm afraid that would require so much magic, that even I, as great as I am, may not be able to do it. Have you a different wish?" The man thinks for a minute and then says "You know, I've never understood women. Can you make it so that I can?" The genie blinks twice and then says "Do you want that highway to have 4, 6, or 8 lanes?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver looks over and says "UGH! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." The woman, angry, goes to sit down. The man next to her asks "Are you OK?" The woman says "That stupid bus driver insulted me!" The man says "You should go give him a piece of your mind! Don't worry, I'll hold your monkey for you."
An elderly couple is sitting in church. The lady leans over to her husband and says "I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband says "First, change the batteries in your hearing aid."
A mother was having trouble keeping her son from acting up in public. Frustrated, she points to another child and says "Look at him, he's not misbehaving." Her son replies "Maybe he has good parents."
A kid goes to his mom and says "Will sign this form giving me permission to go bungee jumping?" His mom says "No! You were born because of broken rubber, and I won't let you die for the same reason."
A man bought his mother-in-law a funeral package for Christmas one year. It came with a burial plot, casket, headstone, and pre-paid funeral service. She was annoyed, thinking this wasn't a very good gift, but didn't say anything about it. The next year, he didn't give her anything for Christmas. She is upset by this, and says "Really? Nothing? Why would you not give me a gift for Christmas?" The man said "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
Employee: "Boss, my mother-in-law is coming to visit tomorrow. Can I have the day off?"
Boss: "Of course not! We're swamped with work and you've already used all your time off for the year."
Employee: "Thanks, Boss. That's exactly what I wanted to hear."
You know you're getting old when your wife says "Let's run upstairs and make love" and you think "I can either run up the stairs or make love, not both."
