Perhaps, I, can be of assistance?
*A large shop appears out of nowhere.*
The name's "professor" J. Hyronimus Slick, procurer of oddities, antiquities and rarities, at your service.
*Shows everyone my wares.*
I've got geegors, whirly gigs, thing am a bobs, doohikies, nik-naks, paddy whacks, and if you bring your dog around, I'll give em a bone!
Nothing for cats? I see how it is.
Brings sign out of nowhere (ala Looney Tunes)
Trader Slick hates cats.
I am starting a protest and asking everyone to boycott this establishment.
Depends. If he has the latest issue of 'Rampant Housemaids' magazine, I'm afraid he's just blown a gaping great hole in your boycott.
However, if you can remove this tusk from me with the minimum of discomfort, I'm on your side.
Now, now, I was just quoting ye age old rhyme:
"Nik-nak, paddy whack, give the dog a bone!"
What's that? You haven't got a dog?
*Presents a cute puppy to everyone.*
Then perhaps, I can interest you in an Australian Shepherd?
*As the puppy sees Kat's Eye, the little darling chases the cat, into a giant ant's nest (where they both get eaten).*
Um, OK then. Tell you what, as a good will gesture, I'll let you have the latest issue of 'Rampant Housemaids' free of charge!
*Gives Comte de Malodor the magazine, as he successfully frees himself from the tusk (only to get caught in another bear trap).*
*Walks up to everyone as Slick destroys Kat's Eye's sign.*
Careful everyone, I've heard of this guy, don't listen to him, he's a scam, a cheater!
Cheater!? Sir, you cut me to the quick!
Why the name "Slick" is synonymous with honesty.
Yes sire bob, I've got integrity in spades (or clubs, or whatever you like).
Yes. A club, that should do it. And a spade for later. Not much later.
Wouldn't a spade do for both?
Maybe, but I'd have to charge double.
*Chuckles a little.*
Personally, I use a coffee pot, that way I get to say: "caffeine'll kill ya!".
*Comes out of the giant ant nest.
I think you misinterpreted what you saw. I lured your puppy into the the nest by pretending to be afraid of it.
Although if I must be honest, the ants in there were a little bigger than I thought they would be.
That's because this is Jumanji, you fluff balled moron!
Honestly, you lot would be dead if I wasn't here!
Well, except Comte de Malodor, he's a lost cause.
Am I really the only one who knows what Jumanji is.
*Uses mental powers to communicate with Vampire Schism.*
I still remember those terrible Ouija board movies. Yeah, not an optimal choice of viewing platform for motion pictures, sitting around waiting for a ghost to describe each scene letter by letter.
It is certainly an investment of time.
Hey look, it's Alan Parrish!
No wait, it's just Vidmaster7.
*Takes notice of Vidmaster7's jungle gear.*
Still, at least you're looking the part.
I actually do know what this place is. However, my duties here are strictly observational in nature. Though we have already acquired the rights to distribution of the resulting film.
*An ominous shape appears in the sky.*
Location of rogue drone successful.
*Despite being freed from the virus caused by Ultron Sigma, the core still attempts to control the drone.*
Obey or be destroyed.
Hey, Iron Federation Drone, I know that you are going to be busy dealing with that idiot. But, if you could please list all villains and dangers of Jumanji, I'd really appreciate it.
Snakes, and chickens, and chiggers, oh, my.
And mares, and goats, and little lambs.
Crocodiles, and wombats, and panthers.
If you behold a panther crouch, prepare to say “ouch!”.
Welcome to the jungle... We've got fun and games.
*Hits Waterhammer across the back of his head.*
Jumanji is based on the jungles of AFRICA you dolt!
*Sees another one of the nameless adventurers get attacked (this time by a prowling leopard) and Comte de Malodor gets his face caught on one of Goattoucher's rat traps.*
So, Vidmaster7, would you be interested in joining us? We could use a man with first hand experience (such as yourself), besides, we'll be losing people as we continue.
You earlier said: “I don’t know where we are.”
I believe you.
Crikey mate I think I can help ya out. *puts on his tan shorts*
Hey now, don't you lot forget about me!
*Pulls out a small object from coat pocket.*
Can I interest you in a genuine, one of a kind, "Get Out of Danger Free" card?
*Sees everyone's excited faces.*
Yes sire bob, this card allows its holder to get out of danger free! There is just one catch...
*Everyone starts asking what is the catch.*
It's not free! So, how much are you willing to pay for this priceless little beauty?
You lot can buy the card if you want, as for me, I will have nothing to do with him!
*Scribbles some notes on a piece of paper.*
Here's a list of the Major Threats in Jumanji:
1. Van Pelt
2. J.H. "Trader" Slick
3. Professor J.S. Heinrich Ibsen
5. Queen Gina
6. The Judge
7. Ludwig Von Richtor
8. Captain Ishmael Squint
9. Sand King
10. Ashton Philips
12. Red Ant Queen
13. Black Ant Queen
14. Master of Jumanji
15. Mr. Shatic
16. Mr. Shreve
Obviously, the flora and fauna are hazardous too.
I’m not your Murphy, I’m no one’s Murphy.
What's all this about Murphy?
And why have turned into a certain creature without mentioning its name?
That's schmerz, not schmurph.
Kid’s morph, All about town .
The amazing power of the apostrophe.
Let’s talk about some urfs
Exactly what is an urf, anyway?
*And while all of this was going on, Comte de Malodor got his left foot caught in a hidden rabbit trap that did not belong to Goattoucher.*
Hold on - none of me are a bear or a rabbit, so there's no good reason why I should keep getting caught in these traps.
BECAUSE I LUFF YOU TOO MUCH, HHHUSBANT!!!
That's very sweet of you, honeycakes, but a new tie would have done just as well...
Don't forget, you're also the comedy relief.
Just be grateful that you aren't one of the ten (now eight) nameless adventurers whose sole purpose is just to get killed off by the wildlife/ innumerable horrors of Jumanji.
Oh, and it's your...
*Hesitates to finish the conversation.*
*Shudders a little.*
That get caught in Goattoucher's bear traps.
There is a song there.
Shall I sing it?
Tell you what, how about I give you the "Get Out of Danger Free" card in exchange for you NOT to sing.
I will not sing that song.
*looks askance at the no-longer-corrupt but apparently unhinged Core*
This unit has achieved individual sapience. You know as well as any that Iron Federation laws prohibit any and all forms of enslavement of sapient beings. And I'm certainly not putting myself back in the command chain of any core unit that would think I would actually take my brain with me into a place like this. As usual, this physical body is an expendable shell.
*looks back at Reiner*
Jumangi is borderline intelligent and mildly malevolent. If its current threats do not faze you, it will inevitably produce one that can. Besides, it would ruin the suspense to list the dangers ahead of time, and this place is, in many ways, more concerned about telling a good story than anything else. Fortunately for you, that means that if you make your escape a good enough story, it will let you leave. Just don't try to shortcut things, or it may become irritated.
Aha, so I'm not the only one who knows this place inside and out (also, your spelling is terrible). And I don't care what dangers Jumanji throws at me because I'm aware of its capabilities.
Oh Were doing Jumanji OK all this conversations about the jungle makes sense now. I guess I do look a little like Alan Parrish.
*Sees Schism's surprised face.*
Relax, I was only joking around.
*Gets given unamused looks by everyone.*
Here in Jumanji, it's worth having a sense of humour.
*Assembles exploration gear.*
Time to head out. Lead the way, Vidmaster7.
*As everyone departs.*
Well, goodbye and good luck to you now. Enjoy using that card and remember: with J. Hadamicus Slick, satisfaction is guaranteed!
Same for I. Hadamicus Wunce!!!!
*A giant yellow flower blossom appears out of the undergrowth and devours Chuck Les.*
It seems that Chuck Les is the comedy relief while Comte de Malodor is not around.