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I posit that there is not a single Uncle Teddy, but a series of clones, disposed of when violated to the point where they no longer serve GW's purposes. Like the film "Moon", but with an old man instead of a Kevin Spacey Robot, or Gurney Halleck in the Dune series.

The current clone has had something unpleasant happen? "That wasn't the real one. How silly that you thought so!" Reset button gets hit, new clone gets decanted with stock memories, old clone goes into the protein slurry.

How replaceable you are, Uncle Teddy. Ever wonder why GW has a closet filled with hundreds of copies of your helmet? He told you not to ask questions. You better not start now, or into the slurry you go.

Avatar, the clan is going well. We have recently begun an initiative to record the histories of the clans in various formats.

* hands Belphegor and Avatar huge slices of pineapple upside-down cake *

Can anyone explain to me GoatToucher's obsession with non-existent clones of Uncle Teddy?

* opens closet to reveal various sets of clothing and canes, but no helmets *

As for the life model decoys - those were Uncle Teddy's idea to distract those of a more foolish nature. Hmmm, maybe that's why GoatToucher is so obsessed. Apparently he thinks life-model decoys are the same things as clones.

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

Well, Avatar, I was thinking - perhaps black cloth and silver paint.

* assumes a fearsome pose that is perfect for the clan flag *

Sovereign Court

@GW: Thank you GW!

*Eats the cake.*

@UT and Fred: Perfect! Here we go, just hold still for a moment Fred.

*Drapes the black cloth on the ground and applies the silver paint to Fred and has him make an imprint on the cloth, that then gets handed to the Laughing Skull Clan's top tailor to mass produce while other members give Fred a lovely bath to wash out the paint.*

Squeak! *holds paws out for cake*

Scarab Sages

Someone left this cake out in the rain....

can i have it ? ? ? oh why look i found the win *pulling it out from underneath him*

More cake for everyone! Who left that cake out in the rain? Oh well, I've got plenty for everyone!

* hands John, IHIYC, and Black Lightning large pieces of cake *

The cake is not a lie, as you can see. In fact, the cake is a win for all.

* shakes vigorously after the bath and begins sniffing the air *


* runs off toward the west *

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

Hmmm, looks like Fred smells trouble. I'll be back in a bit.

* runs off after Fred *

The bear smells trouble to the west eh. *Starts heading east*

HALT! About, Face! To The West, MARCH!

Sovereign Court

We're in the merry month of May, actually. ;-)

* walks in with the head of a pit fiend in my mouth and drops it a Avatar's feet *


Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

* walks in covered in fiendish ichor *

Seems a certain fiend tried to bring in a small army to attack one of the clans - the Flowerpickers I believe. He failed.

Oh, it looks like Fred has a present for you, Avatar - the head of the general.

Sovereign Court

Thank you, UT (and you Fred), you have provided a most valuable service to the Horde.

*Presents the two heroes with specially made helmets each.*

These helmets will boost your strength to even greater levels. Which is good, because I need you to do at least one of these two quests: 1) recruit new members (preferably non-orcs) and 2) my goblin friend, Gazlowe, is having a bit of trouble. His port town of Ratchet is constantly under attack from the Northwatch Expeditionary Unit, simply because they chose to be neutral, take out those brigands and hopefully Gazlowe will be tempted to join the cause.

He's tricking you there, look on the other side.

It says 'made in china' and is a complete fake.

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

* takes the helmets *

I am honored by your gifts.

Avatar, I do know of one kobold tribe, the Frostfire, who may be interested in joining. They are quite skilled miners and smiths, rivaling event he greatest of dwarves, as well as master trapsmiths. I will send a message to their chief, Silvereye.

In the meantime Fred and I will go to the aide of Gazlowe. If the Northwatch Expeditionary Unit is the same group I encountered a few years back I will be more than happy to deal with their menace.

* growls in agreement *


Sovereign Court

So it seems that I have indeed, chosen wisely as whom to trust. Thank you for accepting the quests, UT (and Fred), I know you will succeed.

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*a wave of silliness overcomes everyone in this thread* whoops too late.....

Sovereign Court


*An axe gets lodged into MD's head.*

Naturally, I am aware that this isn't the Order 66 thread, but anyone who talks about the Horde in that manner is gonna suffer.

Scarab Sages


Hi again! I wonder how long this is going to get...

Infinitely Drake, Infitinely.

Oh dear. Am I going to have enough pineapple upside-down cake for everyone?

* looks at rows and rows of tables loaded with pineapple upside-down cake, among other treats *

Yep. But is there enough plates and utensils?

Hmmm, looks like Molten Dragon has a splitting headache.

Don't let the Nasty Orc in here. He will eat everything, including the tables.

Agreed, be sure to have a fake pineapple grenade ready for him.

Sovereign Court

@TFF: For once, I agree with you, eredar!

@GW: Nice joke my friend! :-)

Time to hold a council meeting, all clan chieftains meet me in my stronghold of Rulkandrak Fortress in Tanaan Valley, I have a new plan that I wish to share with you all.

Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

* I enter the stronghold, an elven curveblade in my left hand and the end of a chain in my right. The other end of the chain leads to the manacles of a beaten elven male. A pair of half orc women flank the elf, their spears held at the ready. A third half orc woman stands behind the elf, ready to jab him with her spear if he stops walking. *

I have emerged victorious over the Northwatch Expeditionary Unit. I bring you their leader. Fred is currently having fun chasing down the few survivors. They were the same group I encountered some time back.

* The elven prisoner whimpers. *

The three lovely ladies behind me were prisoners. They have agreed to join the Grizzlepaw Clan.

I also have a message from Gazlowe.

* I hand Avatar a sealed envelope. *

Have you heard from Chief Silvereye?

* enters the stronghold, sees the elf, and hits him in the back of the knee with such force that the elf falls to the ground *

Scum! I knew we would meet again.

:leads the elf to the Workroom:

Come on in here. It's alright. We'll get you sorted.

:snaps his finders, signalling Private Tiny to retrieve a fresh tub of Goat Toucher Brand rump-ointment:

Now, you might feel some pressure... :door closes with grim finality:

*appears in full gimp suit rolling a giant barrel of ointment*

Watch out tiny. He may try a twofer.

:eyes Cluny for a moment, winks, and enters the Workroom:

Oh GoatToucher, the elf is allergic to tree nuts - almonds, walnuts, cashews, that sort of thing.

Scarab Sages

*Protoss gate opens In GoatToucher's Closet, teleporting the elf to safety*

*tosses out Zerg psi-emitter*

* waves cane, sending the psi-emitter away *

Idiots! That elf believes in genocide of all non-elves. They will regret that.

I'm Hiding In Your Closet, I'm quite upset with you. No pineapple upside-down cake for you!

Sovereign Court

Welcome, my friends and fellow chieftains!

*Turns attention to UT first.*

Yes, he and his Frostfire clan will be here shortly, he just has to help the HawkScryer clan bring the ettins with him. Nice work dealing with the NEU!

*Takes the envelope, reads the letter, looks up and smiles.*

Good news, Gazlowe is so grateful to us, that not only he but the whole port town of Ratchet is now part of the Horde - serves the Alliance right for giving themselves more enemies than they can handle.

*Notices GT and gets surprised.*

I didn't think you would be here, as you are not part of the Horde. Still, I need someone who has no qualms about using 'any means' in terms of interrogation to get answers when necessary.

*Focuses on everyone now.*

Alright, while still looking for potential members for the Horde (remember, integrate not subjugate), I require two clans to do one of the following (one clan does one of the things and the second clan does the other) - caution, these tasks are somewhat 'shady' - as they are needed to be done: one clan must go to Auchin'gon in Raksi Forest (resting place for our enemies dead) and 'bleed it dry'. The other clan must for Oshugrand and imprison the archon Na'ru, I don't care how it's achieved, all I require is it's limitless power. The rest of you carry on as normal and now...

*Eyes narrow menacingly.*

To deal with our uninvited guest!

*Turns around to face the glowing orb that's been spying on the meeting.*

(In a menacing voice) enjoying the show are we? Just remember...

*Begins to cast a spell.*

It's all fun and games, UNTIL...

*Blasts the orb with a fireball made of hellfire.*

Sovereign Court

Don't worry, GW, the elf won't get very far.

*Elf gets escorted back by the ettins, orcs and kobolds that arrive.*

*nom nom nom* ??? what in the world is going on???

BlackLightning wrote:
*nom nom nom* ??? what in the world is going on???

Beats me. I've just been sitting here eating snacks and getting fat(er).

Here, have an apple.

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Give it to MBT he'll eat anything. Oh wait he's dead at the moment because he'll eat anything.

Scarab Sages

Grandpa Wonderbra wrote:

Idiots! That elf believes in genocide of all non-elves. They will regret that.

Why am I reminded of that Star Trek: The Next Generation episode where the crew gets their memories wiped and they're told the Federation's at war with a genocidal race...only to discover that that isn't true and they're being played for pawns by that race's old feuding partner?

*giant robot chameleon appears, extricates elf from mob's grasp with sticky tongue, and recloaks*

Are you kidding? He's right over there, getting up!

*Points in MBT's direction*

Sovereign Court

Never trust an eredar, for their words are naught but poison!

Never trust a pinhead, is more like it.

We don't inflict pain during your lifetime, unless you utterly screw up. Suit yourself, MBT will be on Taco Bell and gassing you before you know it....and i will be scrying the scene, laughing.


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