The Next Poster...

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I already have. In fact, Robeasts are simply Easterners named "Rob." I've also statted a Veritech, an SDF, a Gundam, and Kim from Accounting.

The next poster had an unfortunate encounter with Kim from Accounting, which led to a TPK.

I've never Gotten an entire Accounting Department before. NOTHING, NOT EVEN BEAN-COUNTERS, CAN STOP THE CLAWWWWW!!!

The next poster managed to get to Human Resources before I did...

*Slurp* Delicious!

The next poster has a carbuncle.

And a glutenaunt. And a proteiniece. And a fibrenephew.

The next poster has a new technique for keeping themselves regular.

Returning to the pub every other day, indeed. Regular's discount after 3 months.

The next poster has an idea for character concept for Mortal Kombat 11.

2 people marked this as a favorite.

It was based on GoatToucher, but I got a response letter that simply stated: "Dude, that's sick. Seek help."

The next poster tried to pitch a GoatToucher-based RPG...

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

...out the window, before it could do any harm!

*the sound of something small, but heavy, and somewhat damp with who-knows-what, shuffling awkwardly but determinedly up the steps can be heard*


Next poster, hurry! HIDE IN YOUR CLOSET!!!

(cuts open the jester and hides in his chest cavity)

Next poster will quiklee dizpat--kill whatever horrific thing is approaching.

KahnyaGnorc wrote:
It was based on GoatToucher, but I got a response letter that simply stated: "Dude, that's sick. Seek help."

I had seventy eight "fatalities", none of them fatal.

As the game went on, you could see the light dying in the other fighters' eyes.

At any rate...

:turns to see the eldritch horror tearing a hole in reality with it's claws and pulling its squamous bulk through the rift with a plurality of tentacles:

GT: :makes eye contact: :blows kiss:

EH: :makes an unholy bellow of alarm and terror that curdles all milk within one mile to black, maggot ridden cheese: :wraps tentacles around its throat: :snaps own neck, it's carcass slumping half in this world, half in the one beyond:

Next poster, get a push broom or something to return this thing to its home, and close that breach, if you please.

Liberty's Edge



That is mostly correct, but I need to make a few corrections:

It was a squirrel named Leonard, not Roman Polanski.
There was no trampoline involved.
And, it is now a no-go zone for 50 years, not 100.

The next poster wasn't there, but got the info from a VERY reliable source...

The Concordance

...bowl of alphabet soup tell us EVERYTHING!

Next poster build top-secret machine to translate Roman alphabet soup into Cyrillic alphabet soup, then into Phoenician alphabet soup, then into Germanic rune alphabet soup, then back into Roman!

Sovereign Court

Now, let's see what funny words the machine came up with!

*Presses a button and the machine produces a sheet of paper with all the languages on it.*

What mysteries will be discovered? What words could have been translated as something else?

*Reads the piece of paper, gets disappointed.*

It just says the same thing: "best before 8/3/76".

Next poster, eat the alphabet soup to see if it's safe to eat.

Let's see *takes a sip*

I've got abs. Now I'm def. Gee hi! Joking, Lemon. Oh I've got to Pee. Crust. UV rays. WXY? Zeeeeeee (or Zed for our Australian friends)! Nope, the soup is not safe.

Next poster, bite your tongue!

Scarab Sages

2 people marked this as a favorite.

*shows up in butcher's uniform, hangs sign on counter:*


He ecchst pother unth uthed GoahhHhoucher's heab ath a thcryinnh orb.

Sovereign Court

I had his permission to use his head as a scrying orb, I assure you! He quite enjoyed it.

The next poster, however, used something of GoatToucher's WITHOUT permission!

The Concordance

We use GoatToucher Rump Ointment for propaganda campaign against Axis, make beloved leaders appear to People as having chronic sensitive problems (more than already is true, at least). Xaxaxaxaxa!!!

Next poster tried Burma Shave!

Correction: *We* did - me and Ma.

The next poster would like to sing us the Siamese national anthem.

*Sings it so badly, Siam reforms simply to declare war over the insult, starts WWIII, ends humanity*

As The Pitch Meeting guys would say . . .



The next poster has a plan to save humanity from the effects of my bad singing.

Sovereign Court

Behold! My latest invention! I call them "Sound Voiding Capsules"!

*Presents an array of large, tubular devices made from a type of unrecognisable metal.*

You can easily fit half of the world's population in just one of these alone!

*One of the capsules is taken to a special room and a volunteer gets into the capsule.*

And now, a brief demonstration to show off the capabilities!

*The special room the capsule is in immediately bombards the capsule with an array of noise.*

See? The capsule has voided all of the sound in the room!

*Has the volunteer get out of the capsule to show he's okay, only to be killed by the noise.*

Whoops! Forgot to turn off all the sounds! Nevermind, hahaha!

*Commands that the noise be turned off, then points to a small table with medicine on it.*

For those of you who don't like being crowded in, I have invented these as well.

*Picks up one of the medical pills and holds it up.*

This is a smaller, consumable variant. Just remember, take one after eating and no water!

The next poster quickly found out what I meant by that.

After taking one of the pills, I didn't eat while I played in the pool.

Oh no! Now my gas is odorous and creamy. Looks like the crowds are dispersing. Guess it still works. *Hands Dedrick, The Professor a bag of hands.

The next poster is bouncy.

And pine scented, too!

The next poster doesn't want any buns unless you've got an anaconda.

Scarab Sages

Why, I do enjoy a traditional Tashboorian Snake Surprise over the High Festival Days - and they do say that the best part is truly the cold snakeling sandwiches one may salvage from the leftovers the day after!

Most esteemed, the next poster has discovered a most INNOVATIVE mew utilization for that already-extraordinary contraption, the 'digital wristwatch'!

1 person marked this as a favorite.

I added cat videos to the display that will play at random hours and CANNOT BE STOPPED OR MUTED.

The next poster finds "mew" ways to insert cat-people into classic movies.

Catman begins, Catman returns, and Catman forever!

Maybe the next poster can develop my idea for,"The Colossal Kitty Must Be Declawed!"

I turned it into a musical. The props were fantastic but the actors were terrible. Mostly because of the fact that they were actual cats and just lounged around on stage.

The next poster had a star named after them, which then exploded and wiped out all but one civilization on the nearby planets.

Sovereign Court

A plan, perfectly executed! Those fools had no idea that the star "Dedrick Maximus" was actually a miniature black hole inside the casing of an atom bomb, which was further wrapped in a giant, blue, magical fireball! I just wish that planet Nemos (where I'm from) didn't survive!

The next poster has recently visited planet Nemos for a holiday and became so popular, adored and protective of the humans and Merryn that dwell there, that the next poster is why the planet survived!

Liberty's Edge

1 person marked this as a favorite.

All in a Galactic-Standard-Day's work, citizens of the cosmos! May the Schwarz be with you! LASER-CLOWN, AWAYYY!!!

I have just received a top-priority C-space distress-signal from the next poster! What seems to be the trouble?

Can you tell me how to get to the Crab Nebula? I have a emergency C-Section to perform.

The next poster's stress levels are through the roof.

Murphy's Law is insufficient, even things that can't go wrong are going wrong! *run around in circles, flailing like Kermit the Frog, and screaming bloody murder.*

*The next poster tries to calm the situation, only to make matters worse...*

Sovereign Court

I shall send all of my Robobeasts to deal with the situation!

*The Robobeasts try valiantly to alter Murphy's Law and calm down KahnyaGnorc.*

Maybe I should have disabled all of their weapons first.

*KahnyaGnorc ends up dead, the entire area is now a ruin and Murphy's Law is still insufficient.*


Next poster, could you please do something to help fix the situation (and quickly)!

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

If there's one thing I understand, it's Chaos...*reminds Murphy's Law of It's proper meaning, thereby causing all the GOOD things that could just as easily have happened to suddenly catch up with all the bad things in a cascade of wonder and glory*

The next poster eagerly signed up for one of the classes I teach.

Hurray, hurray, I am now an official doctor in quantum procto-aromatherapy at the Mt. Carmel College of Ultimate Wellness, and a Cardinal in the Reformed Evangelical Lubavitcher Masjid of Shri Bandananda, and a qualified reiki plumber, to boot.

The next poster is a psychic plasterer.

*hic* That'sh pshychically *hic* plashtered akshu . . .aksh . . . *hic* REALLY!

The neksht Poe-shter *hic* knowsh a way *hic* to shober me im-mead . . . immedee . . . right away!

Sovereign Court

*Casts a spell.*

Timetus Soberus Upus!

*KahnyaGnorc immediately becomes sober, but still suffers the hangover.*

Next poster, while KahnyaGnorc is incapacitated, marry them off to your pet gerbil.

Scarab Sages

1 person marked this as a favorite.

*shows up in ridiculously ill-fitting bishop's vestments that appear to be slowly burning at the edges as it wears them, wearing spectacles that Mr. MaGoo would envy, and reading from what appears to be a 6''-inch thick, 13-lb. VCR instruction booklet written in Nepalese*

MAWWIAGE! A dweam wiffin a dweam....

Next postew, haf you any reason why this sacwed mawwiage between unnatuwal Owc-Gnome hybwid and gewbiw (s'not mine, actuawwy, I found it In Dr. Piwate's Closet) should NOT take pwace???

:languishing on a divan:

Indeed I do!

:Jambi enters with bucket and brush, slathers GT's nethers with a thick coating of grease, leaves:

To IHiYC: You may continue...

The next poster: get me a drink that suits this occasion of matrimony, if you would.

Here is a glass of Hemlock.

The next poster is going to the opera.

Sovereign Court


The next poster is about to receive some very "bad noose"...*laughs darkly*

It disintegrated right upon deployment on the gallows! The murderer escaped!

The next poster has a very complex Rube Goldberg-esque plan to catch the murderer.

Here's one.

The next poster thought about running PCs through an actual board game.

Sovereign Court

The game of kings, naturally - and queens!

The next poster has just been informed that the peasants are revolting.

Sovereign Court

Yes, they are quite unwholesome to glance upon. Not that I can truly judge mind you.

The next poster, however, CAN truly judge.

Sovereign Court

1 person marked this as a favorite.

I hereby find Count Reiner Heydrich *guilty* and sentence him to no fewer than 4d12 ⇒ (12, 8, 1, 1) = 22 hours in...THE COMFY CHAIR! BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

The next poster expected something completely different.

I expected beans for tea. No beans!

The next poster is preparing to make an official apology.

I officially apologize for not doing enough evil deeds yesterday.

The next poster will tell us how s/he went the extra mile to make up the difference.

Evil deeds you say? After work hours, I went around to all the employee's computers and unplugged their headphones just enough so that the headphones still looked plugged in, but that everyone would hear what they were listening to the next morning.

The next poster did a good deed, but it was taken the wrong way.

I plucked a fellow off the street, gave him a truly unforgettable day, and not only did he not thank me, but he spends his days now on the same street corner I picked him up from, weeping incessantly.

The next poster will really give us all something to cry about.

An onion!

Up your bottom.

The next poster is taking a leek.

It helps keep my breath fresh.

The next poster had an overnight in IHIYC's closet.

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