Chaitrakhan CR 4
XP 1200
N Large magical beast (cold)
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft., heat-sense 100 ft., low-light vision, scent; Perception +14
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Defense
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AC 17, touch 12, flat-footed 14 ( +3 Dex, +5 natural, -1 size)
hp 45 (6d10+12)
Fort +7, Ref +8, Will +5; +7 versus glamour and mind-affecting spells
Defensive Abilities Ferocity; Immune cold
Weaknesses vulnerability to fire
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Offense
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Speed 40 ft.
Melee Sting +7 (1d6+2 plus poison), bite +7 (1d8+2 plus grab), 2 claws +7 (1d6+2)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks pounce, rake (2 claws +7 (1d6+2))
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Statistics
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Str 15, Dex 17, Con 15, Int 7, Wis 12, Cha 6
Base Atk +6; CMB +9 (+13 grapple); CMD 22 (26 vs. trip)
Feats Iron Will, Skill Focus (Stealth), Skill Focus (Perception)
Skills Acrobatics +11, Perception +14, Stealth +11 (+5 in dim light); Racial Modifiers +4 Acrobatics, +4 Perception, +4 Stealth (-2 in dim light)
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Ecology
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Environment any cold
Organization solitary, pair, or pack (3-12)
Treasure Incidental
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Special Abilities
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Heat Sense (Ex) Chaitrakhan can sense heat using special glands and use this ability to stalk their prey even in blizzard conditions; this ability does not detect constructs, plants, undead, or most outsiders of the elemental subtype.
Pheromone Link (Ex) Chaitrakhan can share sensory input with others of their kind via pheromones. This hyperawareness makes them faster and stronger in groups than they are individually. For each other chaitrakhan within 100 feet, the creature gains a +1 insight bonus to attack and damage rolls, Reflex saves, saves made against mind-affecting or illusion spells, and a +1 dodge bonus to AC. These bonuses have a maximum of +3 for a pack of 4 or more chaitrakhan.
Poison (Ex) Sting - injury; save Fort 15; frequency 1/round for 6 rounds; effect 1d2 Dex damage and subject becomes entangled for 1d4 rounds; cure 1 save. The save DC is Con based.
Prowling the coldest reaches of the world, the chaitrakhan is a fierce, catlike predator with a dense, broad-backed build and crystal clear eyes. Its snow-bleached coat intermingles with an azure patchwork of ice growing from the creature's body along its forelimbs, spine, and wickedly barbed tail. These icy patches fluoresce with an eerie blue light that intensifies as darkness falls and combines with a chaitrakhan’s languid movements to give observers the impression that the creature’s very body shifts between ice and water with each breath. Chaitrakhan are 5 to 8 feet long and weigh 500 to 650 pounds.
Aggressive and cunning, chaitrakhan view all smaller creatures as viable prey, making them a particular threat to humanoids sharing their territory. A single chaitrakhan is formidable but the creature’s ability to communicate with others of its kind makes it a deadly pack hunter, stalking and killing yeti, winter wolves, and even dire bears without fear. Their keen senses allow them to see through most subterfuge and camouflage. They prefer to lair in and near caves when possible. They are highly territorial and do not tolerate any encroachments they perceive. They specifically seek out other predators to eliminate competition and a lack of other predators in a cold region is a sure sign that there are chaitrakhan in the area.
Like many top predators, the chaitrakhan prefers to ambush its prey. This is more difficult at night when the glow of its icy patches makes it easier to spot, though this comes as small comfort to anyone who spies the blue glow of an approaching pack. Chaitrakhan often begin by pouncing on their prey and holding it down. The toxin in their stinger causes profuse sweating and causes the freezing point of the water in their prey’s body to rise. This causes the preys bodily fluids to partially freeze and severely limits the prey’s mobility; some alchemists seek chaitrakhan toxin for this very property. Chaitrakhan pelts are valued by some cold weather societies since they are believed to offer greater protection from the elements and injury. The taking of a chaitrakhan pelt is also considered a sign of prowess in many warrior cultures that live near their territory.
Heat sense 100 ft. is an odd range for a creature's senses; most are in increments of 30 ft.
Saves: I think spell-check did you a disservice, as "glamour" is not an illusion subtype (I can't tell from your profile if you're British, which could also explain spelling "glamer" as "glamour").
(I think it's interesting that both you and Matt gave this monster Skill Focus in Perception and Stealth to make up for not having a lot of skill ranks.)
The problem with saying its environment is "any cold" is that "any" includes a lot of environment types you may not have intended: ocean, planar, underground, and urban. It reminds me of the 2nd edition Monstrous Manual, which had "Environment: any" for both the iron golem and the death knight, leading designer Bill Connors to say, "so you could be flying a mile in the air, heading to a cloud giant's castle, and pass Lord Soth flying by with an iron golem under each arm." So... don't say "any" unless you really want this creature to hang out with aboleths, marids, and morlocks.
The heat sense is a problem; while it tells me what creatures it doesn't perceive, it doesn't tell me what it does for those it does perceive. Does the creature get a Perception bonus? Does it automatically pinpoint warm targets in range? Does it work like blindsense or blindsight? It doesn't tell me.
Its pheremone link ability isn't mentioned anywhere in the stat block; it should be in SA and/or SQ.
The descriptive text of the poison at the end implies some real-world physics that would make me wonder whether or not it affects certain creatures (and not just creatures the rules would exclude due to poison immunity).
If the pelt is valuable, even just to locals, it should be listed under Treasure.
The writing is a good deal stronger than the statblock in this one. The stats have some formatting inconsistencies that I'd like an author to keep an eye one (in its use of capitalization mainly, but some spelling and parenthesis use too).
Stat-wise, the dual Skill Focuses seem like a sub-optimal choice. Heat sense also gets pretty wishy-washy in its rules about what it can and can't detect ("most outsiders of the elemental subtype" leaves a lot of open room). With an Int of 7, some note as to languages - even its own pheromone link - would have been good.
The description does a good job selling the creature, and I appreciate the details on the height, weight, and what not. Making this creature sound good is also no mean feat when it's especially essentially a pretty basic/generic animal + element monster (essentially the antithesis of a hell hound). So nicely done there.
Director of Game Design
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This is a good execution of the concept. I am with the other judges on some of the concerns, but on the whole, this creature is pretty solid.
- Heat vision is a bit ill defined. I am not completely sure how to use this in game. How does it interact with illusions, darkness, etc. It could be just as simple as "this ability works like blindsight, except that it does not detect... " Unfortunately, I am left wondering.
- I am not 100% sure why the creature gets a bonus vs glamour and mind affecting spells. Is this a racial bonus?
- I like the use of the poison rules here.
- Pheremones should be listed somewhere in the stat block, probably under senses and SA.
All and all, this monster would be pretty easy to work with and I think it does a pretty good job of conveying its theme and meaning.
I give this monster a B+
Jason Bulmahn
Lead Designer
Paizo Publishing
Note: In my view, this round is more than just making a stat block in a vacuum. I don’t think just seeing if you crunched out the rules properly is the right way to judge a good entry for this round. Instead, I think it’s about taking a concept from someone else and delivering on it mechanically. If a concept has four stated powers, I want to see you execute those four powers somehow unless you have reconcepted the creature. Of course you need to then execute that stat block properly. Sean, Wes and Jason are way more qualified than I am to talk about the nit picks and issues with the stat block. So what I am going to look at is how you took the concept you chose and how executed that concept with your stat block. Because really, that is what freelancing is all about–getting an assignment from someone else and delivering on it.
Initial Impression
Another double dip. We’ve got two Chaitrakhans. It’s impossible not to compare them to each other. Sorry about that. Let’s see how yours stacks up…
The Execution
Sean and Wes have given their thoughts and are far more qualified than me to address those issues. That said, here are my thoughts:
The Chaitrakhan has a number of powers:
• forelimbs, spine, and wickedly barbed tail.
• This ice armor fluoresces an eerie blue light that intensifies as darkness falls and combines with a chaitrakhan’s languid movements to give observers the impression that the creature’s very body shifts between ice and water with each breath.
• the creature’s ability to mentally connect with others of its kind makes it a deadly pack hunter, stalking and killing yeti, winter wolves, and even dire bears without fear.
• A chaitrakhan senses the heat given off by other living things and can pinpoint prey through all manner of illusions and camouflage. They deliberately ambush in blizards and blinding snowstorms to make full use of this advantage.
• Using the serrated barb at the end of its tail, a chaitrakhan stings its prey and injects a paralytic poison that violently expels water from the victim’s body and instantly refreezes the water into a binding net of ice.
• Lastly, scent glands in the chaitrakhan’s paws secrete pheromones on fallen snow, attracting others of its kind and creating a shared and cumulative intelligence among pack members. This mental link confers increased speed, strength and heightened awareness on each creature in the bond and makes a chaitrakhan resistant to mind-affecting magic. The mental bond grows in power based on the number of chaitrakhan in the pack.
Wow, that’s quite a list. Let’s see how you implemented them.
I think you downplayed the tail. I think its wicked barb should do more damage than the bite. But that’s just me. I don’t think you did anything with the ice armor power and its almost displacement-like power, which I think is a big swing and miss, particularly since you copy/paste the text exactly from the source concept. I also think you missed the boat with a +1 per creature within 100 feet, but no more than +3. That doesn’t make any sense. The beasts would soon come to realize they were most effective in groups of four. These things are supposed to hunt in bigger packs. I think you should have found a way to have the bonus actually encourage the description given of a pack hunter. I don’t get the bonus against mind spells. I don’t think the implementation of the heat ability was the best.
Candidly, I think the best part of this submission is the writing. Unfortunately for you, that is mostly a cut and paste job from Jesse’s original submission so I can’t really give you much love for the quality of the writing since you didn’t really write it. Basically the only thing you wrote was the third paragraph, and it is in part a paraphrase of the original material plus some new stuff of your own, and that part is the weakest of the writing. So really all you showed me is that Jesse is a better writer than you. Sorry about that, mate.
Final Thoughts
Jason, I liked your bracelet and I thought the caltrop golem was a good idea though I wasn’t a fan of your execution of it. I think the same problem exists here. You took a well written creature, mostly cut and pasted the text and then left some powers on the cutting room floor.
I DO NOT RECOMMEND this for Top 8.
Thanks for the all the feedback judges, it's quite helpful. There I plan to respond to your points once the voting is over. Good god do I want to say more, but I won't. I can only hope that there are some like minded people out there that will say things that I can only think right now. To any potential voters out there I say this, "If Chaitrakhan doesn't move on... 'they' win." Thank you and good night.
I'll do it for you: Wes liked it and Jason gave you a B+.
My "no rec" is hardly the deciding vote. See blink dog nation :)
I'll do it for you: Wes liked it and Jason gave you a B+.
My "no rec" is hardly the deciding vote. See blink dog nation :)
I know Clark. For me at least, I feel you have been tough, but fair. It has encouraged me to up my game every round, we'll see if it's enough.
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I liked this monster from the last round. I see we have two of them this round, haven’t looked at the other yet …
I think you’ve done a solid job, but it’s a little uninspired to me – doesn’t quite live up to the promise of the creature from the last round. Good descriptive text, but it looks fairly unvaried from the original write up in the last round. The poison effect (entangled) confused me for a moment, but now I understand it (from the description) I think its pretty cool.
I wonder if these guys should be CR 5? Statistically I’d say they’re pretty much on par with a Winter Wolf (at CR 5).
I’m not completely sold on this, but there are some good things here. Good luck.
Of the two chaitrakhans, this one has some advantages over the other; it doesn't bury the lead in terms of the icy poison, it specifies what can be picked up on heat sense and it isn't fragile for its CR. On the other hand, it doesn't specify what the heat sense actually does (blindsight? blindsense?), doesn't do anything with the ice armor, and I like the pheromones on the other one better (although I appreciate both of you toning down the "hivemind" angle).
I was pleased to see a big ol' chunk of flavor text on this entry, but I was less than pleased to see that much of it was copy-pasted from the original entry. It's your critter now. Give us your own spin on it! It seems sort of lazy, and is definitely uninspired. I wasn't as big a fan of the chaitrakhan as most, and although yours approaches a usable critter for me, I don't think I'll be voting for you.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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Of the two chaitrakhans, this one has some advantages over the other; it doesn't bury the lead in terms of the icy poison, it specifies what can be picked up on heat sense and it isn't fragile for its CR. On the other hand, it doesn't specify what the heat sense actually does (blindsight? blindsense?), doesn't do anything with the ice armor, and I like the pheromones on the other one better (although I appreciate both of you toning down the "hivemind" angle).
I was pleased to see a big ol' chunk of flavor text on this entry, but I was less than pleased to see that much of it was copy-pasted from the original entry. It's your critter now. Give us your own spin on it! It seems sort of lazy, and is definitely uninspired. I wasn't as big a fan of the chaitrakhan as most, and although yours approaches a usable critter for me, I don't think I'll be voting for you.
Pretty much agree 100% here.
I thought your stat block was pretty clean, simple, and easy to parse, but there were some bits missing (what does the heat sense actually DO? - but great job listing the creatures it doesn't see... but even there "most outsiders..."?). You didn't give any flavor text on the poison plus entangle because you didn't need to - monster descriptions in the bestiary don't and neither did you, nor should you.
Your stat block delivers all the basics, but it doesn't bust through the screen like a freight train begging to be used. It's functional, but it seems to lack a certain something.
Best of luck!
Heat sense issue and cut and paste job on its description are two big flaws.
But, again, the pack issue crops up. Clark's right that we think of pack hunters as appearing in more than groups of four... which means that a group of six of these unspellable ice kittens has CR 9 encounter. Since this is strictly a wandering monster creature, we're talking an APL of 6 or 7. These combats are going to be short and brutal, with unstoppable pounce coming up against unreachable flyers. If these kitties don't get the airwalking cleric and the flying wizard on the ground by round two, they're toast. (And for outdoor adventuring, you can bet your bottom dollar that they selected their spells to avoid climbs and falls into ice crevasses.) Ordinarily, I'd be the one scoffing and saying they have no ranged capacity. But...
These kittens have 6 attacks at +12 during the pounce, with a grapple and a entangle save as well. Remember, as ambush predators, the PCs don't have any prep spells except those that last for 1 hour per level. Then, if the cats win initiative, they can finish off, let's say the wizard and the rogue and probably the cleric if the extra two cats went on the cleric and the fighter. Now it's the fighter's turn with 2-3 down or severely wounded companions.
So, yeah, I don't really care about their low HP. They'll do fine in battle, if by fine you mean a virtual TPK with little chance to spot or prepare for or respond to. A gotcha monster that the DM's going to have to be very, very careful using.
A big deal was made about apex predators last round. As the above indicates, I think making this creature a pack monster ups its power level a bit too much.
Thanks all, and keep it coming.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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I'm behind on R3, so I'm making my comments brief. Overall, I think the monster is fine, but not particularly inspiring. In general, I liked the R2 description though, so it's odd that I'm not a bigger fan of this entry. I think the main issue is that while you provided a stat block for the monster as described in R2, I don't see a whole lot of inspiration beyond what you started with. This is also apparant in the copy/paste sections of the description.
The most interesting ability of the R2 write up I thought was the poison turning your sweat into ice that surrounded you. Your version of the poison seems to be a standard poison that does Dex damage with an entangle effect. I was hoping to see something more innovate with this power, to make the monster stand out. While the pheramone power does what it sets out to do, it's also not too exciting - it could pretty much be removed and replaced with a higher dex and str score, and you'd effectively have the same monster (which would also be easier to run, since you don't have to make adjustments once you get under 4 of them).
For the most part, I'm in agreement with the others: this is sound, but not particularly inspiring.
However, I'm going to spin that. I find that to be a distinct improvement over the original, which I did not care for. The hive mind made no sense to me, and the icy poison seemed entirely overwrought. You toned those down without removing them, and while you did remove the icy armor, it was likely to be the most mechanically convoluted ability if you'd left it in: probably a good call.
On the other hand, removing the question marks from the heat vision wouldn't have taken a lot of effort, and that enormous cut-and-paste is a big issue. This really feels phoned in; the quality of what's there is high enough to make me wonder why so much seems to be missing.
I don't get what the huge problem is with the "cut-and-paste." I mean, the original, while not necessarily my favorite, was well-written. Why rewrite it if it was good to begin with?
Because the contest is made to test the contestants' creativity, not their ability to directly re-use the content of others.
Not only that, but I got dinged last year for copying and pasting most of my own villain background text in the stat-block round. Why? Because Round 3 tests your ability to "improve" just as much as does on mechanical execution of a stat-block.
Looks pretty good - no stat block errors at all, interesting poison. The pheremone link seems exceptionally strong (+3 attack, damage, many saves, and AC?).
Good job and good luck!
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Not only that, but I got dinged last year for copying and pasting most of my own villain background text in the stat-block round. Why? Because Round 3 tests your ability to "improve" just as much as does on mechanical execution of a stat-block.
I hardly see this as being most. I compared the description of the original Chaitrakhan with the flavor text at the bottom of the new one. Here's everything that's new:
… intermingles with …
Chaitrakhan are 5 to 8 feet long and weigh 500 to 650 pounds.
Aggressive and cunning, chaitrakhan view all smaller creatures as viable prey, making them a particular threat to humanoids sharing their territory. A single chaitrakhan is formidable but the creature’s ability to communicate with others of its kind makes it a deadly pack hunter, stalking and killing yeti, winter wolves, and even dire bears without fear. Their keen senses allow them to see through most subterfuge and camouflage. They prefer to lair in and near caves when possible. They are highly territorial and do not tolerate any encroachments they perceive. They specifically seek out other predators to eliminate competition and a lack of other predators in a cold region is a sure sign that there are chaitrakhan in the area.
Like many top predators, the chaitrakhan prefers to ambush its prey. This is more difficult at night when the glow of its icy patches makes it easier to spot, though this comes as small comfort to anyone who spies the blue glow of an approaching pack. Chaitrakhan often begin by pouncing on their prey and holding it down. The toxin in their stinger causes profuse sweating and causes the freezing point of the water in their prey’s body to rise. This causes the preys bodily fluids to partially freeze and severely limits the prey’s mobility; some alchemists seek chaitrakhan toxin for this very property. Chaitrakhan pelts are valued by some cold weather societies since they are believed to offer greater protection from the elements and injury. The taking of a chaitrakhan pelt is also considered a sign of prowess in many warrior cultures that live near their territory.
I hardly see that as copy and paste either. The contest is for freelancers as well and, from what I gather, a good freelancer doesn't waste time rewriting what already works.
Hey Jason,
It was interesting to see our differing views of the Chaitrakhan. I think that only one version of a creature got through to the next round didn't help you here. I did like your text for the Chaitrakhan's tactics and pelt description. Hope to see you next year in the competition.