Clark, Please Give Me Feedback on My Item


RPG Superstar™ 2010 General Discussion

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Stuart Lean wrote:
Azmahel wrote:

Below are the results of the first part of an experiment I like to call “being the Judge”.

Circle Medallion

An amulet made for communication with other bearers of the same amulet ? Nothing new here.

Thank you for the honest feedback and for taking the time to do so.

You raise the obvious point, but the strange thing is in all my years of playing and DMing DnD, I've never, ever seen an item this simple, and this useful, actually published in a main book or supplement (Dragon etc. I'm not counting as its too easy to miss things from there, so if it has been done before, apologies). The fact I had to go and specifically create it for a campaign a couple of years back surprised me.

Admittedly, the 'real' version I first created is a proper guild item, tied into 3.5 guild progression rules, which unfortunately meant it wouldn't qualify in this competition and would be a nightmare to condense to 300 words.

For me, this is a first time entry, as much about trying to get it 'right' in terms of mechanics and feel as going for something overly bombastic. I think I'll start working on next years entry now, refine the craft as I go.

Once again, thank you.

the magic item compendium has a few that go into this direction:

farspeaking amulet
linked armor property

there were more, but i can't recall them at the moment.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Darkjoy wrote:
James Thomas wrote:


Is design work really "up this year"? What makes you say that Darkjoy?

The two shiny contracts that I've received this year, so compared to January 2009 I am up 100%.

There is still paid work out there, RPG superstar is great fun, but it is not the only game in town......

So query those publishers!

Something from Wolfgang Baur? Or something else?

Darn NDAs! Make sure you let us know what you've got coming out when you can.

Liberty's Edge Contributor , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Azmahel, thanks for doing this.

I can't wait until you put my item to the screws. It's coming up on page 3. :)


it's growing late over here and I'm in the mids of reviewing the beasties in the "if I was in the Top 32 ..." thread, but as soon as I#m finished here, I will start making my way through page 3. this is fun and a great learning experience for me.

Liberty's Edge Contributor , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Azmahel wrote:
it's growing late over here and I'm in the mids of reviewing the beasties in the "if I was in the Top 32 ..." thread, but as soon as I#m finished here, I will start making my way through page 3. this is fun and a great learning experience for me.

Thanks, and I hope you didn't think I was impatient for a review. I certainly don't expect one from you, and if you were to just say, "You know what, I'm burnt out on this," I'd understand completely.

I imagine it does give you an appreciation of what Clark, Sean, and Wes went through, eh?


taig wrote:
Azmahel wrote:
it's growing late over here and I'm in the mids of reviewing the beasties in the "if I was in the Top 32 ..." thread, but as soon as I#m finished here, I will start making my way through page 3. this is fun and a great learning experience for me.

Thanks, and I hope you didn't think I was impatient for a review. I certainly don't expect one from you, and if you were to just say, "You know what, I'm burnt out on this," I'd understand completely.

I imagine it does give you an appreciation of what Clark, Sean, and Wes went through, eh?

thats exactly what I'm trying to achieve here. getting to know the perspective of the judges. It makes me wary for pitfalls to avoid.

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Benjamin Bruck wrote:
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Hi People... My item is on page 7. I would love some feedback. One thing I realized to my horror is my entry did not come out with the sections that I had made bold--bold. Does anyone belive that would be grounds for an auto-reject? It has only now come to my relization that there is something about 'bbc' something-or-other in order to have had it post the way I intended it to. I am new to these forum postings so I was unfortunately ignorant to this action. Even now I'm not sure if I would do it properly even knowing about it. Anyway... feedback would be great thanks..

Its my understanding that nobody got disqualified for failure to use BBCode, so you don't have to worry about that.

If you'd like to use that stuff in the future though, there's a button labelled "BBCode tags you can use:" just below the text window, that'll show all the tags the forums support.

Welcome to the boards by the way!

Thank you for your help. It is especially appreciated since you are one of the top 32 and still found the time to do so. Cheers.

They had a template for the items and if you just copy/ pasted that, the codes you needed were included. As Ben said, I don't think lack of codes was grounds for rejection, I think some of the finalists didn't have bold.

Shadow Lodge

Here's my submission. Clark and co, lay your critique on me!

Bloodstone
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 5,000 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
This object appears as a clear glass sphere that fits snugly into the palm in the hand. The sphere is uncomfortably cold to the touch. While this object does not take up a slot on the holder's body, it must be held in a free hand in order to function. Whilst held so, and upon a successful sneak attack or critical hit with a weapon held in the other hand, the sphere will drain vitality from the target, storing four hit points for every such successful attack, to a maximum of twelve hit points. These stored hit points can be accessed at any time be the wielder as a move action, and are treated as temporary hit points in all respects. Any amount of these stored hit points can be used at any given time, but this boost of temporary hit points can only be gained once per day. The temporary hit points last for three hours, or until they are expended. The sphere cannot drain hit points from aberrations, constructs, elementals, or undead. In addition, the target of the life-rain effect must naturally possess a language, due to the device’s invention as an assassin’s tool. As the sphere stores hit points, it gradually takes on a red colour, starting from the centre of the sphere, and filling outwards, appearing as if liquid.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, false life; Cost 2,500 gp

Dark Archive

Dennis Baker wrote:
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Benjamin Bruck wrote:
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Hi People... My item is on page 7. I would love some feedback. One thing I realized to my horror is my entry did not come out with the sections that I had made bold--bold. Does anyone belive that would be grounds for an auto-reject? It has only now come to my relization that there is something about 'bbc' something-or-other in order to have had it post the way I intended it to. I am new to these forum postings so I was unfortunately ignorant to this action. Even now I'm not sure if I would do it properly even knowing about it. Anyway... feedback would be great thanks..

Its my understanding that nobody got disqualified for failure to use BBCode, so you don't have to worry about that.

If you'd like to use that stuff in the future though, there's a button labelled "BBCode tags you can use:" just below the text window, that'll show all the tags the forums support.

Welcome to the boards by the way!

Thank you for your help. It is especially appreciated since you are one of the top 32 and still found the time to do so. Cheers.
They had a template for the items and if you just copy/ pasted that, the codes you needed were included. As Ben said, I don't think lack of codes was grounds for rejection, I think some of the finalists didn't have bold.

Thank you for taking the time.


PsionicFox - If you don't mind my critiquing for a moment...

First off, I love items and monsters inspired by heavy metal, and you can't go wrong with classic Judas Priest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_1SiW-rwco

Anyway, I think your item has good flavor, and good mechanics. It just killed me when I read this sentence, "In addition, the target of the life-rain effect must naturally possess a language, due to the device’s invention as an assassin’s tool." If you had left that one sentence out, your entry would be much stronger in my eyes.

But then again, if I knew what I was talking about, I might have made top 32 myself.


Azmahel wrote:
taig wrote:
Azmahel wrote:
it's growing late over here and I'm in the mids of reviewing the beasties in the "if I was in the Top 32 ..." thread, but as soon as I#m finished here, I will start making my way through page 3. this is fun and a great learning experience for me.

Thanks, and I hope you didn't think I was impatient for a review. I certainly don't expect one from you, and if you were to just say, "You know what, I'm burnt out on this," I'd understand completely.

I imagine it does give you an appreciation of what Clark, Sean, and Wes went through, eh?

thats exactly what I'm trying to achieve here. getting to know the perspective of the judges. It makes me wary for pitfalls to avoid.

I am impressed with your efforts! Good work. (And yes, it does make you realize how many hours the judges put in if they review hundreds and hundreds of items.)

Grand Lodge

Azmahel wrote:

INCENSE OF THE VERDANT VALE

The name got me interested, and I don't like most incense items.
Attacking should automatically free a creature from the hazes effects.
Rage and inspire courage etc. should only be canceled for affected creatures.
Aside from that: Great item. I really like it. ...

Thanks a lot!

I think my biggest problem was that I had an awesome, perhaps Superstar idea and got too into the rules from the prerequisite spells; thus dumbing-down the item.

Azmahel wrote:
Ferryman's Toll

I do like the name, and it's perfect for what the item is and does, excepting the whole Golarion-fluff issue, on which I have no preference.

I doubt I need to mention the throat thing. :P

The first paragraph seems overwrought, but makes sense. To me, it doesn't feel flavorful, just a little tedious. Maybe it could have been structured differently: more about the bag and less about the possible contents.

The drawbacks to wearing the item are nice, in my opinion. They're not so bad I'd never use the item, and they keep the price in a nice low range, particularly nice because it is a bit more niche than that other item, which I think won on the speak with dead tangent (however flawed in its submitted form) and being less niche.


Chris Mortika wrote:

The idea of a wondrous item that allows its user access to the feats of her battle opponent is sweet. "You know Vital Strike? Well, now, so do I!"

Theoretical exercise: how would you cost such a thing?

I think with an item of that power level...you're entering(on second thought, you're smack dab in the middle of) artifact territory. It could be a priceless item, not to mention the basis for a Mimic class.

Shadow Lodge

Fergie wrote:

PsionicFox - If you don't mind my critiquing for a moment...

First off, I love items and monsters inspired by heavy metal, and you can't go wrong with classic Judas Priest:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_1SiW-rwco

Anyway, I think your item has good flavor, and good mechanics. It just killed me when I read this sentence, "In addition, the target of the life-rain effect must naturally possess a language, due to the device’s invention as an assassin’s tool." If you had left that one sentence out, your entry would be much stronger in my eyes.

But then again, if I knew what I was talking about, I might have made top 32 myself.

I didn't even know the reference, I just couldn't think of a better name. The sentence you're referring to has a spelling error in it that wasn't in the actual submission, but the main reason why I placed the restriction was to prevent players from deciding to slaughter hapless animals in order to charge the item. Thus it means the item can only be used on creatures that have a language. But I can see how I could have written that bit better.

RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 7

PsionicFox wrote:

Here's my submission. Clark and co, lay your critique on me!

Bloodstone
Aura faint necromancy; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 5,000 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
This object appears as a clear glass sphere that fits snugly into the palm in the hand. The sphere is uncomfortably cold to the touch. While this object does not take up a slot on the holder's body, it must be held in a free hand in order to function. Whilst held so, and upon a successful sneak attack or critical hit with a weapon held in the other hand, the sphere will drain vitality from the target, storing four hit points for every such successful attack, to a maximum of twelve hit points. These stored hit points can be accessed at any time be the wielder as a move action, and are treated as temporary hit points in all respects. Any amount of these stored hit points can be used at any given time, but this boost of temporary hit points can only be gained once per day. The temporary hit points last for three hours, or until they are expended. The sphere cannot drain hit points from aberrations, constructs, elementals, or undead. In addition, the target of the life-rain effect must naturally possess a language, due to the device’s invention as an assassin’s tool. As the sphere stores hit points, it gradually takes on a red colour, starting from the centre of the sphere, and filling outwards, appearing as if liquid.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, false life; Cost 2,500 gp

My rogue would love one of these.

The description could be much shorter. Even on my first read, I was already mentally editing it. I imagine people who edit for a living would do the same.

"Palm in the hand" should be "palm of the hand".

Since you want to exclude killing things just to charge it, you could say the effect only works on creatures with an Intelligence of 3 or higher. That gets rid of animals, mindless plants and most vermin.

Why false life for an energy-drain effect? Vampiric touch seems more appropriate here, since the user is actually taking life from the target.

I would lose the restriction against aberrations. It is the only creature type or subtype you list that is alive, so it seems out of place. You also don't need to list elementals, as they are immune to both critical hits and sneak attacks, so the stone wouldn't work anyway.

You could just explicitly call it an energy drain effect. Between that and the item's triggering conditions you would exclude elementals and oozes (as both immune to the triggering conditions), constructs and the undead.

But like I said, my rogue would still want one of these.


Below are my thoughts on page 3.

Jack o'Box

Spoiler:

This is a rather costly robot-spying item.
The statistic you gave for the jack are incomplete at best. Some things are covered by your reference to the “Familiar basics” rule, which took me some time to find. (I looked in the bestiary first) , but some others aren't. Like it's wis for will saves, its AC (base nat. armor) …
“Operational range” makes this feel even more remote control-ey.
Why do you always say whilst? Rules are not the place for old-time speech.

Belt of Borrowed Vigor

Spoiler:

I like the general idea of this item. But I somewhat expected something to steal healing spells with.

Waves of exhaustion in a 30ft spread 2/day as an immediate action with the added benefit of a possibly very high bonus to initiative is worth way , way more than 35.000 gp .
I simply dislike the part about involuntary activation. And why is it a fear effect?

Mantle of Malicious Intent

Spoiler:

I don't know if this really is a good name, but at least it got me interested.
+5 stealth and darkvision. Thats just a cloak of elvenkind + goggles of night.
“as a standard action that does not provoke attacks of opportunity”
that is standard for activation of wondrous items, so you could have saved yourself some words here.
The 1/day ability is nice, but nothing too creative. Especially since it isn't described with any flavor at all.
The 3/day ability also is nothing new.
This again is a good example for a swiss army knife item. A item with many effects, that may all work together or be desirable for one type of character, but fail to have a tight theme. Thereby trying to do everything.

Sanctuary of the Vampire

Spoiler:

Will this be a coffin, or a magical sunblocker ? We will see.

It's a coffin!
Why is the vampire slumbering in his coffin subject to repulsion as soon as Igor approaches to serve Breakfast ? A simple alarm would have been sufficient. Maybe adding the option to activate repulsion once the vampire has “awakened”
How often can the repulsion effect be triggered each day?

This is more a setpiece for an adventure ( or in other word the feature of a room) than an actual wondrous item.

Eyes of the Inner Nature

Spoiler:

Again an item for seeing the “true, inner nature” of an creature. This makes me wonder how many DM's are out there that have the parties allies secretly being Devils/ Villians in disguise.
And how many of those would allow such an item at their table.
Items like this really make one entire type of plot/adventure/twist nearly impossible.

But Wait- this item doesn't do anything like this. I wrote the above only regarding the first sentence which left me with a very wrong image of the item in mind.

What it really does is quite nice, but somewhat disconnected with its flavor, which gets she short straw anyway.
I don't like that all that knowledge is automatic. The characters should do something more than just posses one specific item to know all the vulnerabilities of all foes they are fighting.

Cape of the Wandering Swallowtails

Spoiler:

I don't like anything that is forcing emotions on a character for longer than a spells duration., I don't want to be forced to play my character in a specific way, just because he happens to wear this item.
And this item is just a SIAC with added FX .
You don't list how often the blur effect can be used.

Symbol of the Devout

Spoiler:

It is strongly suggested, but never explicitly mentioned in the description that each symbol is tied to one specific deity.
The range of channel energy is 30 ft, yet this item speaks of 60 ft, which opens the need for clarifications that are never made.
The additional healing would be better covered with a free empower spell applied to the spells.
Also priest is no rules term. Are all clerics priest? Are Paladins? Are Adepts? Are Bards? Are Paladins?

Longevity Injector

Spoiler:

simply by reading the name I get the image of a teleshopping show. Buy it now and get three anti-age pills for free.

So the character needs to inject some “magic stuff” , to get some “high” with positive effects that are longer lasting than if you just ingested the “magic stuff” . All Adventurers are **** **** !
which is fancy speaking for I don't like the image your item gives me.

Elemental Fink

Spoiler:

“The fink is a mobile magical sensor “ This seems to be a rules statement, making me ask for the definition of a mobile magical sensor, where you just try to explain the powers of the item with some flavor text

The dispelling ability should be brought in line with the pathfinderized version of dispel magic. Because this way it's one casting of dispel magic for each spell at the same time.
Again its a item that automatically lets you know the resistances and vulnerabilities of a foe. While this has some drawbacks built in ( you have to wait for 1 round) it is the same problem.

MUSHROOM KING’S CROWN

Spoiler:

I don't want to look like a silly Mushroom person. Who wants that?

the effects of this item are very much like a swiss army spell in a can.

Why does it list Animal trance in the Requirements? I see no effect that specifically targets animals.

Corpse Wraps

Spoiler:

I have the distinct feeling I have seen this before in the Superstar contest.
Nice idea, clean execution. Not many bad things to say about this. But I'm sure this has been done before (in this contest).

The Luck Dragon's Cloudy Eye

Spoiler:

A coin with diagonal holes... wait I think I get it.
The quote is neither in the header nor in the description. It risks being lost in limbo, where it belongs actually.
Slot: which now? (Eyes, since it's the only existing one)
The description paints a nice picture of your item and the removing blindness part is neat, however the secondary effect is quite clunky and I don't like it's execution.

Instrument of Endless Flame

Spoiler:

This is an actual instrument, not a tool-instrument , so not what I expected. Since it is a mandolin, shouldn't it be named the mandolin of endless flame?
Generally I like your item, even the refilling part up to the maximizing effect. There you lost me.
But after some consideration it is too much of a “fantasy flamethrower” to really like it.

Hunter's Fang

Spoiler:

Nice item! Risks being a generic monster in a can item, and doesn't do anything really new, but is tightly designed and flavorful.
I don't like the drawback though.
This would be in my keep folder of this thread but perhaps might not make the cut.

Spirit Scroll

Spoiler:

I often said that you need a tight theme for your item, but this might be too focused. Simply based on flair no character who doesn't belief in guiding ancestor guidance spirits infusing him with power would use this item, no matter how interesting it's mechanical side might be. I think this is the right focus for a prestige class, but a magic item should leave more room for interpretation and a more flexible fluff to suit the needs of a diverse group of characters.
I like that you have to choose different effects each day. It prevents characters from using this nice, multifaceted item for just the bonus they could use most. And opens up some nice opportunities for working with the bonuses you have available.

Again we have a “roll twice, take better” mechanic. I think this is a meme, an infectious idea ( much like Zombieneighbours infective language from [ ] (I dont remember if from a voluntary reject bin or feedback thread. )

I don't really know what to think about the burnout power. While I like the general concept I think the drawbacks are way to severe for the benefits.

Bumbershoot of the Mage

Spoiler:

a +4 shield bonus to armorclass alone is way more worth than this item , compare to the ring of force shield .
In addition to this you have: levitate at will , gust of wind 1/day ( albeit always at first opening the umbrella) and magic missile absorption.

Aside from these effects you have nothing going on for this item, so it might be easily called a spell in a can.
There simply is some mojo or spark missing her. Again a case of
“nice, but not more”

Lord Alvaro’s Most Useful and Dashing Egress Cape

Spoiler:

longest name so far.
Make this the Juggernaut's helm and you are in.
Add a bonus to bull rush attempts for extra ice cream.
When not thinking of juggernaut when reading this item I think of this:
I don't know which is more awesome

Bracelet of Charms

Spoiler:

over wordcount. Reject.
Yeah, I'm finally doing this.

No – I'm not.

This reminds me of the chronocharms one of my favorites of magic item compendium.
But these are just spells in a can. And thats too bad, I just would have loved to nab some extra chronocharms.

THREAD OF UNRAVELING

Spoiler:

skill check, not skill roll
This is again a nice idea, but 3 points of acid damage might not be enough to actually do anything.
(it barely cuts a rope)
You sometimes talk about affecting creatures, but you can't affect them with the basic threads, or am I mistaken?
This is a “I don't care” item, not too bad, but not really grabbing my attention. Likely to get lost in the dust of the contest.

Scales of the Miser

Spoiler:

pure, relative unimaginative NPC item. Many NPC merchants already had scales like this without the need to ever stat them up as a magic item.

St. Cyr's Cup

Spoiler:

Another tankard? Cayden surely has many devout followers around here.
A simple poison detecting and foiling item. More plot device than anything else.

Sphere of Searing Smoke

Spoiler:

“each time the holder would normally take fire damage subtract 20 from the damage dealt”
Why not the wearer gains fire resistance 20 ?
Fog cloud should be in the requirements.
Simple, nice, but not great. At least not great enough.

Diadem of the Void

Spoiler:

this is a expensive creature in a can.
Referencing the module might have been a mistake, because even if it is paizo material not everyone has access to it and it's bad when you need a module to use whatever source this item would be in.

DIAMOND EGG OF MARVELS

Spoiler:

Now this is a great, evocative name. I want to see what marvels this egg holds!
This seems to be a magic item factory. A big no-go.
No, it isn't. The items fade.
So it's a “choose your item” item. A slightly smaller no-go.

The rumor part, while being humorous, doesn't do you any good either.

Folio of Origami Assailants

Spoiler:

only the smallest part of this is an item, the rest is a new monster.
I like your idea though.
But you risked being disqualified for not being an item.

Titivillus’ Quill

Spoiler:

You forgot to list Craft Wondrous item, so technically your item isn't wondrous ( or an item for that matter)
Why does the creator need a constitution score?
The mechanics for redirecting spells are way too complicated and you need too many rolls to resolve them.

Whispering Tankard

Spoiler:

another Tankard !
And this tankards effects are weird. You walk around with you tankard, talk to people, who tell you things people at another place know? What?

Torag's Teakettle

Spoiler:

This one is not a tankard but a teakettle. Take that Cayden !
It creates an unlimited amount of Holy Water and (nonlethal) Healing. No thanks!

Urgathoa’s Tainted Hand

Spoiler:

your first sentence says that this is a cursed item. That might be grounds for disqualification.

Nice theme, but I don't really dig it. I don't have to say anything else on this, neither positive nor negative.

Octopus Gloves

Spoiler:

Ewww. Icky.
This is giving monster abilities to PCs. Granting Improved Grapple and Improved Unarmed Strike might have worked better than grab and natural weapons.
I as a player wouldn't like this item, because I wouldn't want my character to transform into a handmawed tentacle beast.
This is not really creature in a can, more creature in a hand. Don't need this.

BLADEMORPH BALDRIC

Spoiler:

did your actual submission include the spoiler? That might have caused you trouble for not following format.
My thoughts reading the first 2 sentences: Aware of which attack? Ah, that attack. I wasn't aware of that, so I couldn't have used the item :vD
There are already rules for saves made by ( magical) objects. You probably should stick to them.
“non-natural melee weapon can be rendered similarly useless”
Wait does that mean the item doesn't need to be bladed after all?
Organize your text / rules.

Bracers of the Master Swordsmen

Spoiler:

simple, short and flavorless. Its like gruel. It fulfills the need ( a wondrous item) quite well, but without taste (flavor, imagery, mojo!)

Lots of items that use “Roll twice , use better result” I blame the Magic item compendium and luck feats
lots of tankard items. I blame Cayden.

My speed is improving, but it still takes a lot of time.
As routine sets in this gets even more fun.
Also the need for a evocative, fitting name becomes all the more obvious.

RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6

Holy jumpin' catfish, Azmahel, that's some real dedication. I'm still trying to work my way through the Top 32.

Good work.

Dark Archive Bella Sara Charter Superscriber

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

Your description of the item omits any mention of size. You call it a 'gooey white egg sac' but make no indication of how big it is - which may have ramifications for what creatures can swallow it, and how easily.

The flavour text and effects whilst in the host's body seem to me to be pretty strongly written, but then you go on to describe how the user can make an attack which does 4d4 piercing damage in a 15 ft cone. Even with a Reflex save of only 13 for half damage and avoiding a sickened condition, this effect would seem to me to be at least the equivalent of a 3rd level potion (market price 750 gp) and then there is the fast healing and initiative bonuses on top of that. (The +2 to Dexterity based skill checks I consider to be gravy...) The market price you put on your item, however, is only 500 gp.
It's not clear if creatures still bothered by the swarm can get rid of them and end any sickened condition early with effects which would damage or destroy swarms.
Finally, since you mention that Mantid Sacs are made using fleshwarping techniques, then why isn't 'Brew Fleshcrafting Poison' on your list of Construction requirements?
My personal feeling is that while you have a pretty good (and certainly colourful) concept here, that it does too much for the price assigned.
Hope that this feedback, even if unlooked for, helps.

Thanks Charles - feedback is always welcome. The damage is based off of burning hands, and I bumped the effect a level due to the status effects. Basically, I viewed the individual effects as at the level of or worse than any comparable 2nd level spell. CMW is a better healing spell. Cat's grace is a better buffing spell. I priced it slightly aggressively to make it useful, but think that it's really a bunch of 2nd level effects and based it off the cost of a 2nd level potion with a slight bump for the versatility. I also think the fact that it's really hard to get all the bonuses mitigates the issue to a certain extent - effectively you can swap one 2nd level spell (the fast healing + buff) for another 2nd level spell (burning hands + debuff) using a standard action, which keeps it from being 2 2nd level spells at the same time.

Plus, to the extent that pricing is an issue, it is significantly more accurate than the troll fingers (same price for fast healing 5 for 10 minutes), which has annoyed me more than it should.

I didn't even know there were fleshcrafting rules for item creation - I thought they all related to altering creatures (e.g., dryders). I thought we had to use core rules and I've always liked strange magic items like this. I was short on word count, and remembered the fleshcrafting shtick, so I threw that in as flavor text (Futurama was the true inspiration, not fleshcrafting). I guess I should look at those rules - I didn't know that fleshcrafting was different from regular magic item creation. I assumed that we were operating in the core rules and that the only magic item categories were those in the core rules. The item doesn't fit in any other core rules category, so it's a misc. item by default (like an elixir). Seems harsh to have to be aware of the existence of other item categories outside the core rules.

Edit: Okay, I just pulled out the article on fleshcrafting and I don't think that my item fits in those rules. The specifically relate to granting someone a monster's ability. As far as I know, no monster has this ability. If this granted the Mite's vermin empathy ability or there were a monster with a similar breath weapon, I could see that point. But there isn't. Unless I'm misunderstanding the fleshwarping rules.


Azmahel wrote:


Lord Alvaro’s Most Useful and Dashing Egress Cape

longest name so far.
Make this the Juggernaut's helm and you are in.
Add a bonus to bull rush attempts for extra ice cream.
When not thinking of juggernaut when reading this item I think of this:
I don't know which is more awesome

Ha! Thanks Azmahel, that's not exactly what I was going for, but it's pretty applicable!

And thanks for the keen image flashback! Here's one for you.

Dark Archive Bella Sara Charter Superscriber

SmiloDan wrote:


I really like this item. I love how it gives a benefit, but you can choose to end that benefit for another effect. And then that effect is damage PLUS a status effect (with no status effect on a successful save). I really like all the resource management decisions that go into this item (1. choosing to use it. 2. choosing to expel it.).

Thanks. That's the type of item that I like as well and was trying to hit just that spot.


Azmahel wrote:


Ferryman's Toll
Aura faint abjuration and necromancy; CL 5th
Slot throat; Price 1400 gp; Weight
Description
This small pouch, which holds two tarnished silver coins, is made of chafed, gray burial shroud, and worn around the neck with a simple leather strip. Some pouches also contain other mostly archaic symbols of life, death and passage such as animal bones, salt or scarabs, but the coins are always present. All items except for the coins may safely be removed from the pouch, but should the coins ever be removed the ferryman's toll ceases to function until they are returned.

The ferryman's toll enforces the natural passage between life and death, and prevents malevolent spirits from returning. It is highly prized by those who fear the wrath of a recently deceased as well as those who battle the undead and wish not to join their ranks should they falter.

As long as the ferryman's toll is placed around the neck of a dead creature it prevents the creature from rising as an undead for any reason. If worn by a living creature, it gains the same protection from rising as an undead should it die, but it is also bolstered against some of their most feared attacks, gaining a +2 sacred bonus on all saving throws against curses and diseases from undead creatures. If the ferryman's tolls wearer is dying, he suffers a -2 penalty on Constitution checks to stabilize himself.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bleed, consecrate, remove curse, remove disease; Cost 700 gp

Hmmm, you know, I was kind of caught up in the imagery you used for the NON-coin items, those were pretty cool and more evocative for me, since the 2 coins for Charon is the standard Greek imagery. You could have just said "This pouch, made from a burial shroud (nice touch there) contains symbols of life, death and passage, typically two tarnished silver coins, though some may contain animal bones, salt or scarabs." Most items use only one or two lines of description before getting into the rest of it.

The extra stuff about removing the items is interesting but superfluous to your item. You should have clarified if there was a time delay on placing the Toll around the neck of a dead person, like if someone is killed by a shadow, how quickly do you have to put it on them to save them?

Same with the "but it is also bolstered against some of their most feared attacks" part, not necessary when describing some of the extra rules benefits, though it does help be entertaining when reading.

Don't know if someone else got this in an earlier review of yours, but for the nit-picky, there should be a comma separating the thousand and hundred gp values: 1,400 gp instead of 1400 gp.

That's a lot of spell requirements too, I don't know if that's a good sense that you tried to put too much into your item or not, but keep an eye on it.

Hope some of that helps!

Dark Archive Bella Sara Charter Superscriber

Azmahel wrote:

Eww. But nice. Best item so far. But Ewww.

One Point though: normally sickened is negated by an fortitude save, not reflex.

Thanks. I used reflex because it's the save you typically use to avoid area effects, but that's a really good point.

Dark Archive Bella Sara Charter Superscriber

Wicht wrote:
The main problem I see with the mantid sac is the question of whether or not its a wondrous item or a living creature.

Thanks. I would think the troll fingers (or the infamous megrim) would face a similar issue regarding living creature v. wonderous item, and it didn't get flagged on that. I also tried to make sure to include the fact that there was magic involved in the process (e.g., the magically accelerated lifecycle) to make it clear that eating a regular unenchanted mantid sac wouldn't work. I didn't think this was any different from having enchanted berries (or elixirs for that matter, which are really potions but end up as misc. items because they don't fit the potion rules).

Dark Archive Bella Sara Charter Superscriber

Set wrote:
Sebastian wrote:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

Description
As bad as a Mantid Sac tastes, the hatching and rapid maturation of millions of mantid eggs in the swallower’s stomach is an even worse experience. Once the gooey white egg sac is ingested, the colony of tiny mantids within reaches adulthood almost instantaneously and begins assisting its host’s bodily functions, granting fast healing 1 and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity-based skill checks and initiative checks. Due to the insects’ magically accelerated life cycle, the colony only survives for 10 rounds after ingestion, but may be expelled earlier by the host in the form of a 15 foot cone-shaped burst of buzzing insects. Those caught in the cone take 4d4 points of piercing damage and are sickened for the remainder of the colony’s lifespan. Each victim can attempt a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage and to avoid the sickened effect entirely. Expelling the mantids is a standard action for the host that does not provoke an attack of opportunity and ends the beneficial effects experienced by ingesting the Mantid Sac.

Mantid Sacs are typically created by mites, using fleshwarping techniques stolen and adapted from the drow. In addition to the normal effects of the Mantid Sac, a mite also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to its vermin empathy ability while hosting a colony.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, summon swarm; Cost 250 gp

Takes a common late 3.5 mechanic (and fairly common Monte Cook-favorite idea for spells), item that gives a small benefit and can be 'tapped' or expended for a larger one-time effect, and adds a *heap* of creative (and eye-catching!) flare to it.

Mechanically, it's little different than a Potion of Fire Breath that gives your Fire Resistance until you use it, or something like that, only it's about a zillion times more evocative.

Nice attention-getting, pony-boy!

Thanks Set. :-)

I'm bummed I haven't gotten any official judge comment. I like to imagine that my item was in hot competition for the spot that the troll fingers eventually won, and would really like to know if that's the case and why that was chosen over mine. I suppose the lack of comments means that the judges were not nearly as impressed as my imagination would otherwise have me believe and no such comparison was made.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32, 2012 Top 4 aka OamuTheMonk

Azmahel wrote:

Below are my thoughts on page 3.

Elemental Fink
** spoiler omitted **...

First off, thanks for the critique! Yeah, Sensor/spy devices didn't seem to do so well this year. I thought I'd make a better impression than I did, obviously.

That said, I didn't know what you meant by:

"The dispelling ability should be brought in line with the pathfinderized version of dispel magic. Because this way it's one casting of dispel magic for each spell at the same time."

Because that's exactly what was intended. It was designed to get rid of three specific spells, all at once, just like three castings of dispel magic. Targeting those spells specifically, as described in the fifth paragraph of the dispel magic entry in the PFRPG Core rulebook.

I didn't want it to do a targeted dispel on a creature, because it's function was getting rid of elemental defenses, not haste, or fly, or shield, or whatever else a creature might have active. I was trying for focus in function.

Of course, the fact that I'm explaining my design means it likely wasn't clear enough in the text.


Steven T. Helt wrote:

Boots of the Sea Treader

Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot feet; Price 10,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Commonly crafted from the hide of an aquatic predator, these boots frequently sport
scales or small fins as decoration on the calf. The wearer of such footwear can walk
on water using her land speed, including charging or running. As a swift action, the
wearer may also fall into the water and stand, upside down, on the underside of the
surface.
While attached to the surface of the water (above or below it), the wearer suffers
no penalties to fighting underwater. If the wearer is tripped or fails an Acrobatics check
(as when charging over choppy waves), or is carrying more than a light load, the boots
cease to provide any benefits. Reactivating their power is a standard action, after
coming back into contact with the water’s surface.
Boots of the sea treader confer no ability to breathe under water.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, freedom of movement, water walking; Cost 5,000 gp

Cool name. Nice description too.

The spell name is just water walk now.

Man, I had to look up a few rules on the underwater stuff to see what you were or weren't messing with! Let's see.

I don't know why you threw in the Acrobatics bit, water walk makes you actually walk ABOVE the surface, rather than on it. I guess choppy waves would be difficult ground, so that's kinda clever. Throwing in new rules concepts ain't bad. Charging isn't allowed over difficult terrain, so is your water charge over choppy terrain a new rule as well? Seems like you're tweaking a lot of standards rather than focusing on a single good one. The light load penalty is a nice touch too.

But with the spell, you're not really attached to the surface, so you might be complicating it up a bit. The main tweak on yours is the cool upside down move, but that might not be carried out enough in what you actually said. NO penalties to underwater combat? What about throwing or shooting objects? Or doing that up THROUGH the water? Even freedom of movement doesn't give you those, but your boots do.

Saying "charging or running" implies that you can ONLY do those and a walk. Might have been better to just say "normal base move".

Is it reversible, i.e., to get back on top of the surface if you swift upside down?

Finally, I would have said "underwater" instead of "under water."

Hope this helps some!


Ninjaiguana wrote:

Bilegrub

Aura faint conjuration; CL 1st
Slot throat; Price 1,300 gp; Weight -
Description
A bilegrub appears to be a small maggot made of jet. When placed on the tongue, it animates and crawls to the roof of your mouth, where it burrows into the soft palate. Once the grub is attached, its magic imbues your saliva with acidic properties. You are immune to the acid created in this way. The acidic saliva denatures one round after exiting your mouth, and so cannot be stored.

While the grub is attached, each successful bite attack you make deals an extra 1 point of acid damage. This does not grant you a bite attack if you do not already possess one. Three times per day as a standard action, you may expectorate into the eyes of a creature within 30 ft. by making a ranged touch attack. If you hit, the spittle does 1d3 acid damage, and the creature must make a Reflex save (DC 10) or be blinded for 1 round. Finally, the acid can eat through objects constructed of rope or wood. Each round spent chewing at an object constructed of these materials does the object 1 point of acid damage, ignoring hardness.

Despite the unusual method of equipping the grub, you can remove it at any time.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, acid splash; Cost 650 gp

Well, you didn't ask for anyone else's opinion, but I'ma gonna give it to ya anyway!

Well, points for gross. Guh. Yeah, as someone said, this is a classic "no slot" item. I think the flavor is alright, it's just not a tasty one! Nice one on the grub burrowing in. Guh again!

You could have said "carved out of jet" instead of "made of jet" to get across the fact that its NOT an actual grub, but an item that animates up. There were some magicked up real things rather than magicked items this year it seems.

Expectorate is a great word, but it seems a bit high-falooting here. After all, the Giant Slug doesn't have Expectorate Acid (Ex).

Nice catch on PCs trying to manufacture acid for sale. Again, "denatures" might be too much. The acid splash spell acid just "disappears" after one round, that would work here.

Acid splash as a spell is WAY weak for the effect you're getting. 1d3 for one round, but you're pulling it off all the time? PLUS 3 1d3 acid attacks per day? A more powerful acid spell would have been more appropriate (note that I am too lazy to suggest any).

Hmm, but looking at it, these are all kinda minor benefits, though cool ones. How many people would want this? You need a bite attack for one, and it gives little benefit to those who do. So maybe if it did 1d6 or even 2d6 with each spit (the giant slug has 10d6, live it up!). Plus a higher number on the chewing through stuff. The blindness trick is a nice bonus, it is true, but a Reflex save implies you could miss the damage in the first place, rather than shake off the blindness. Fortitude might have been more appropriate, though I can see an argument for Reflex. In either case, DC 10???? Again, way low, it makes the blindness trick almost a negligible effect.

Hope that helps!

Dark Archive

Charles Evans 25 wrote:
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Hi People... My item is on page 7. I would love some feedback. One thing I realized to my horror is my entry did not come out with the sections that I had made bold--bold. Does anyone belive that would be grounds for an auto-reject? It has only now come to my relization that there is something about 'bbc' something-or-other in order to have had it post the way I intended it to. I am new to these forum postings so I was unfortunately ignorant to this action. Even now I'm not sure if I would do it properly even knowing about it. Anyway... feedback would be great thanks..
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Terrestrial’s Guide
Aura faint evocation; CL 5th
Slot--; Price 39,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.

Terrestrial’s Guide is a godsend to all mixed race parties wishing to explore lightless depths without alerting all those with darkvision to their arrival.
The item appears as a mirror finished hooded lantern with bas relief images of the sun, moon, and eyes inlaid upon its glittering surface. Oddly, the hood of the lantern is rimmed in the blackest of obsidian and it seems to absorb some of the very light it sheds.
The item has 3 charges which renew each day. However, after 6 charges have been used the item must be exposed to direct sunlight for a minimum of two hours in order to recharge.
Upon command the lantern sheds bright illumination in a 60 foot radius as per the daylight spell. By turning a mechanical dial, the aperture adjusts allowing the glow of the device to be turned down to any desired range in 5 foot increments to as low as a 10 feet expanse. Furthermore, this light is enveloped by an outer shell of impenetrable darkness. Effectively, a hemisphere of light is created which does not project radiance beyond the scope of its perimeter, thereby, disallowing anything with or without darkvison to see the globe of light unless they become enshrouded within it.
If one charge is expended the lantern produces

...

First off, thank you very much Charles for the feedback. You are the first to do so and it is very appreciated. Also I see you have been very diligent with many replies to others and that is very kind of you. I would like to address some of your comments though for clarification. With the pricing of my item being several thousand Gp's higher then a Lantern of Revealing due to my items multiple effects, it is a safe assumption that its basic effect is continuous. In the context of wondrous items when they say 'upon command' and then do not define a time consideration they are almost always considered continuous. Due to word count considerations every nuiance unfortunately can not be defined and certain things must be presumed. Also, I believe you read into the enshrouded darkness effect in the wrong way. As you define it, it would not be effective. If a party were to be walking into a large room or cavern with posted sentries or just simply monsters lurking, those creatures would in fact potentially notice a globe of darkness approaching. However, if our group is dungeon crawling or underdark delving with foes all possessing darkvision and having no light sources what-so-ever , then our fateful group of adventures are casting a beacon of light around every corner, tunnel, crevasse, etc. So in this respect it is invaluable. With the 'clawing darkness' effect it reads out that if charges are expended and those within the lights confines miss their saving throws they are effected--period. Either it works or it doesn't. To question whether that would have a time period after the charge is expended is a fact I don't believe is valid. Last thing, defining the actual effect (the brightness as I believe you say) of the clawing darkness would be akin to defining the tone of a Horn of Blasting. Not necessary, but if it were... then certainly up to a savvy and imaginative Dm. Overkill for a entry submission in my humble opinion.

Sovereign Court Wayfinder, PaizoCon Founder

Azmahel wrote:

Below are my thoughts on page 3.

Bumbershoot of the Mage

Review: a +4 shield bonus to armorclass alone is way more worth than this item , compare to the ring of force shield . In addition to this you have: levitate at will , gust of wind 1/day ( albeit always at first opening the umbrella) and magic missile absorption.

Aside from these effects you have nothing going on for this item, so it might be easily called a spell in a can. There simply is some mojo or spark missing her. Again a case of “nice, but not more”

First of all....Azmahel, you are a judging demon!! I thank you for all of the reviews, not just mine. Your comments are fostering a lot of discussion here, and that is simply a wondrous thing in itself. Thank you.

I suspect I got dinged for the spell in a can, or probably the Swiss Army knife effect...and then tossed out for the Mary Poppinsesque quality. Even likely it was the other way around.

I admit it did lack "mojo"...that was apparent immediately upon reading some of the top 32! I was actually quite concerned about the cost calculations. I was referencing wondrous items in the book, trying to get a feel for calculating various costs, and boots of levitation just threw me...it doesn't adhere to the formulas whatsoever! So, I took a stab at it, and relied on the "art" of item creation.

Again, many thanks for your review!


taig wrote:

Spirit Scroll

Aura moderate enchantment and necromancy; CL 9th
Slot –; Price 6,000 gp; Weight
Description
This scroll consists of two ancient wooden reinforcing rods and a sheet of papyrus; faint murmurs and wispy shapes issue forth from the item. Once per day the scroll generates a fortune, and, when a character opens the scroll and reads the fortune, a related spirit infuses him with a power he chooses from the list below. The effect lasts for 1 day and may not be chosen again until at least 2 others have been chosen.

  • +1 deflection bonus to armor class
  • +1 enhancement bonus to attack rolls
  • +2 enhancement bonus to damage rolls
  • +2 resistance bonus to all saving throws
  • +5 competence bonus to a class skill chosen by the owner

10% of the time, a capricious spirit infuses the reader and changes the effect to become a penalty instead. The spirit acknowledges wisdom comes through adversity and, once during the day, allows its unfortunate target to roll twice for a d20 roll and take the more favorable result.

The scroll snaps shut once its owner reads the fortune, but a character can force it open again with a DC 16 Strength check. If he succeeds, the whispers become shrieks, shadows swirl around the character, and the scroll targets him with bestow curse (Will DC 16) which also destroys the item if he fails to save. On a successful save, he may choose an additional effect subject to the above conditions, but the scroll becomes blank and unusable as the spirits depart until the next day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bestow curse, heroism, magic jar, creator must have 5 ranks in Knowledge (history or religion); Cost 3,000...

Hey Taig, hope you don't mind me adding my opinions on your item.

I wouldn't have said "item" in the first sentence, you can use scroll again! "...from the scroll."

The usage is a bit overcomplicated, why not just say "once per day the user may read the scroll to gain a fortune"?

If you're going for the randomness of fortune, maybe the 5 options should have been randomly picked each time, but that's rare in wondrous items, and the judges don't like it, and I bet most players wouldn't. So that's probably bad advice. Maybe a starting bonus each time, or 7 different ones, one for each day of the week? Don't know, just thinking aloud.

The 10% part is also complicated. So 10% of the time it is a penalty? I presume the reverse of the 5 listed? You don't say exactly, state it out for the dumb ones of us! BUT then you can reroll? After you're cursed? Um, okay, I think I understand, but that's complicated again.

You're getting the capriciousness of fortune pretty well, but much like a deck of many things, you really have to wonder how many people would actually want to risk it. They want bonuses to stuff, not a 1 in 10 chance of getting screwed for a day. Make sure your item is appealing enough to be grabbed up, not sold off for its gp value at the first chance.

The snapping shut scroll part is cool! That you can do some good stuff with. That seems to be the most "mojo" part of your item, I would have liked to see more with it.

As for the requirements, why knowledge history or religion if you're dealing with fortune? The history part is almost the opposite of future fortunes, though I can see the religious angle if you know something about gods of luck. Bestow Curse is also rough, you don't want to end up making a cursed item on purpose! Go for the gusto.

Hope my unsolicitedness helps some!

Liberty's Edge

Sebastian wrote:
Set wrote:
Sebastian wrote:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

Description
As bad as a Mantid Sac tastes, the hatching and rapid maturation of millions of mantid eggs in the swallower’s stomach is an even worse experience. Once the gooey white egg sac is ingested, the colony of tiny mantids within reaches adulthood almost instantaneously and begins assisting its host’s bodily functions, granting fast healing 1 and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity-based skill checks and initiative checks. Due to the insects’ magically accelerated life cycle, the colony only survives for 10 rounds after ingestion, but may be expelled earlier by the host in the form of a 15 foot cone-shaped burst of buzzing insects. Those caught in the cone take 4d4 points of piercing damage and are sickened for the remainder of the colony’s lifespan. Each victim can attempt a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage and to avoid the sickened effect entirely. Expelling the mantids is a standard action for the host that does not provoke an attack of opportunity and ends the beneficial effects experienced by ingesting the Mantid Sac.

Mantid Sacs are typically created by mites, using fleshwarping techniques stolen and adapted from the drow. In addition to the normal effects of the Mantid Sac, a mite also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to its vermin empathy ability while hosting a colony.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, summon swarm; Cost 250 gp

Takes a common late 3.5 mechanic (and fairly common Monte Cook-favorite idea for spells), item that gives a small benefit and can be 'tapped' or expended for a larger one-time effect, and adds a *heap* of creative (and eye-catching!) flare to it.

Mechanically, it's little different than a Potion of Fire Breath that gives your Fire Resistance until you use it, or something like that, only it's about a zillion times more evocative.

Nice attention-getting, pony-boy!

Thanks Set. :-)...

I think it's a little too cheap; I don't know what I'd price it as so I should probably stab myself in the armpit with a knitting needle.

However, I think that there aren't enough magic items that cause damage to opponents through projectile vomiting, and so this really fills a niche.

Seriously though, I could see using this. Good on an evocative level.

Liberty's Edge

re: mantid sac......
when I blow mantid chunk on a fool, I assume the regenerative properties of the item end, instead of continuing on for the 10 rounds, right?

Liberty's Edge

Now I'm pumped for items based on nanobots....like little microscopic animated objects that swim around, making you grow osseous swords out of your arm, or fortifying your skeletal structure with coral. Stuff like that. So you get a +2 to strength and dr10/slashing for a day, but then you have rheumatoid arthritis for the next 24 hours or something.


i really liked the wizard's portable lab and the antlered crown.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Azmahel, thanks for taking the time to critique my Diadem of the Void.

You touched upon one of the very things I was even sure of, referring to "Carrion Hill" I probably should have left that out all together, but if nothing else I've learned from that.

As far as expensive... yeah it was. As far as I know, I followed the guidelines for crafting magic items... I even did deductions for "limited numbers of uses per day" and "alignment restriction". The spell requirements I had mentioned are fairly high-level, so I didn't want to under price it either. A fine line of design, that I'm hoping to learn as I continue trying my hand at it, and now I can watch the contest, read judges comments, and the comments from the community as well, and hopefully be that much more prepared for next year.

But, again, thank you for your insight. If Clark or Sean never get to my item, I'll have a fair grasp of what was wrong with my item.

(Of course official insights/critiques are still sought after.) ;)

Dean, The_Minstrel_Wyrm

Liberty's Edge Contributor , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Azmahel wrote:

Sprit Scroll

I often said that you need a tight theme for your item, but this might be too focused. Simply based on flair no character who doesn't belief in guiding ancestor guidance spirits infusing him with power would use this item, no matter how interesting it's mechanical side might be. I think this is the right focus for a prestige class, but a magic item should leave more room for interpretation and a more flexible fluff to suit the needs of a diverse group of characters.
I like that you have to choose different effects each day. It prevents characters from using this nice, multifaceted item for just the bonus they could use most. And opens up some nice opportunities for working with the bonuses you have available.
Again we have a “roll twice, take better” mechanic. I think this is a meme, an infectious idea ( much like Zombieneighbours infective language from [ ] (I dont remember if from a voluntary reject bin or feedback thread. )

I don't really know what to think about the burnout power. While I like the general concept I think the drawbacks are way to severe for the benefits.

Thank you, Azmahel! I know I tried to cram too much into this item. I'm glad you found the theme for the device--other people who have reviewed this found it missing focus. By trying to do too much I watered down the cool stuff. And I must break my habit of throwing in a drawback to my wondrous items. This is the second year I've done it.

I appreciate all the thought and time you've put into your reviews. I'm thoroughly impressed.

Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

JaredSmith113 wrote:

Hey Taig, hope you don't mind me adding my opinions on your item.

I wouldn't have said "item" in the first sentence, you can use scroll again! "...from the scroll."

The usage is a bit overcomplicated, why not just say "once per day the user may read the scroll to gain a fortune"?

If you're going for the randomness of fortune, maybe the 5 options should have been randomly picked each time, but that's rare in wondrous items, and the judges don't like it, and I bet most players wouldn't. So that's probably bad advice. Maybe a starting bonus each time, or 7 different ones, one for each day of the week? Don't know, just thinking aloud.

The 10% part is also complicated. So 10% of the time it is a penalty? I presume the reverse of the 5 listed? You don't say exactly, state it out for the dumb ones of us! BUT then you can reroll? After you're cursed? Um, okay, I think I understand, but that's complicated again.

You're getting the capriciousness of fortune pretty well, but much like a deck of many things, you really have to wonder how many people would actually want to risk it. They want bonuses to stuff, not a 1 in 10 chance of getting screwed for a day. Make sure your item is appealing enough to be grabbed up, not sold off for its gp value at the first chance.

The snapping shut scroll part is cool! That you can do some good stuff with. That seems to be the most "mojo" part of your item, I would have liked to see more with it.

As for the requirements, why knowledge history or religion if you're dealing with fortune? The history part is almost the opposite of future fortunes, though I can see the religious angle if you know something about gods of luck. Bestow Curse is also rough, you don't want to end up making a cursed item on purpose! Go for the gusto.

Hope my unsolicitedness helps some!

I tried to avoid a random item (which is funny, considering I introduced the 10% element), so I designed a pseudo-random method for the benefits. The write up certainly could have been clearer.

I couldn't get the 10% part to read the way I wanted. Like I mentioned above, I tried to cram too much into my item, so I didn't have the words to give to that facet. At any rate, the drawback was a big mistake, and I will ask anyone who proofs my 2011 item to smack me when they find a drawback. :)

The idea behind the knowledge history was to show a more "ancient" aspect to the scroll and give arcane casters more of an opportunity to create the scroll. I would have loved a knowledge philosophy, but I didn't want to make up a new knowledge skill up in my item.

I really appreciate you looking at my item and giving me some great criticism. I'll definitely be back for my 4th go-round, and I hope you'll be back next year too. Thanks!

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Sebastian wrote:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

I really like this item, and nitpicks about specific mechanics aside... what do mantids have to do with fast healing? That's been bugging (pun intended) me for a bit.

To me, it's about site picture:

  • Trolls = regen
  • mantids = ?bugs that eat you from the inside?

    Ok, back to lurking. I only commented on yours because I owe you a favor ;) You know where to catch me.


  • taig wrote:


    The idea behind the knowledge history was to show a more "ancient" aspect to the scroll and give arcane casters more of an opportunity to create the scroll. I would have loved a knowledge philosophy, but I didn't want to make up a new knowledge skill up in my item.

    I really appreciate you looking at my item and giving me some great criticism. I'll definitely be back for my 4th go-round, and I hope you'll be back next year too. Thanks!

    Hmm, I get the background to your knowledge requirements, but most wondrous items don't require much more than a spell and Craft Wondrous Item. Unless it's really tied into the CREATION of the item, I'd leave that out. Having Knowledge (history) doesn't make it easier or not for arcane casters to create it, it seems more appropriate for knowing when an ancient Spirit Scroll is from and who made it, but that's just a normal Knowledge check. It just limits who could make it, and that's already accomplished by spell requirements, so a sorcerer without Knowledge skills would be at a disadvantage to a wizard. Read the items in the Pathfinder book and see which ones have any additional requirements, it's pretty interesting!

    Anyway, you're welcome, hope it helped some! Yeah, I'll be back next year too. I'm working on a Pathfinder Society submission now, you got any more of those in mind with the new format?

    Liberty's Edge Contributor, RPG Superstar 2012 , Star Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

    JaredSmith113 wrote:
    taig wrote:


    The idea behind the knowledge history was to show a more "ancient" aspect to the scroll and give arcane casters more of an opportunity to create the scroll. I would have loved a knowledge philosophy, but I didn't want to make up a new knowledge skill up in my item.

    I really appreciate you looking at my item and giving me some great criticism. I'll definitely be back for my 4th go-round, and I hope you'll be back next year too. Thanks!

    Hmm, I get the background to your knowledge requirements, but most wondrous items don't require much more than a spell and Craft Wondrous Item. Unless it's really tied into the CREATION of the item, I'd leave that out. Having Knowledge (history) doesn't make it easier or not for arcane casters to create it, it seems more appropriate for knowing when an ancient Spirit Scroll is from and who made it, but that's just a normal Knowledge check. It just limits who could make it, and that's already accomplished by spell requirements, so a sorcerer without Knowledge skills would be at a disadvantage to a wizard. Read the items in the Pathfinder book and see which ones have any additional requirements, it's pretty interesting!

    Anyway, you're welcome, hope it helped some! Yeah, I'll be back next year too. I'm working on a Pathfinder Society submission now, you got any more of those in mind with the new format?

    Good point about the requirements. I was going for the idea of someone knowing ancient history or religious tenets to draw appropriate spirits to the scroll. It's funny, though, I did look through the items to convince myself of a precedent for my choice (apparatus of the crab, for example). Ultimately, that decision didn't do anything to enhance my item, and it would have taken too many words to explain it well enough.

    I'm trying to put the finishing touches on a PFS scenario query. My first one fell through, but I got some great advice from Josh. I'll keep plugging until I get it.

    Good luck with your submission, and thanks again!

    Dedicated Voter Season 7

    Azmahel wrote:

    Below are my thoughts on page 3.

    Sanctuary of the Vampire
    ** spoiler omitted **...

    Thanks for your feedback! Yea I kinda felt like my item could be received as more of a set piece (or even an artifact). Although, to be fair, many of the items accepted this year feel based around a specific encounter or as a set piece for a certain situation.

    My thought was that most vampires would keep undead cohorts so that's why it says living creature. Plus, I didn't have the vampire getting served breakfast in mind when designing this haha. I feel like the unlimited use for the possible light absorption probably turned judges off, but I did this because the 0-level spell Light can be used infinitely in Pathfinder; I didn't want players to be like "okay wizard, bard, and cleric use the Light spell to completely drain the coffin's main ability." In the end though, I think worrying too much about possible mechanic and meta-gaming issues hurt the overall design of the item.

    Anyway, thanks again for your feedback.


    Timitius wrote:


    First of all....Azmahel, you are a judging demon!! I thank you for all of the reviews, not just mine. Your comments are fostering a lot of discussion here, and that is simply a wondrous thing in itself. Thank you.

    I wanted to thank you all for appreciating both my efforts and My feedback.

    I really feared that with increasing speed and routine my comments would become less helpful and more likely to step some toes ( which I don't want at all). So I'm really glad to see that my feedback is well received.

    What Timitius said there is especially true, since many people who reply on my feedback reflect over things in their items that i didn't even mention. Reflection is a good thing, and getting into a discussion helps everyone reflection about their own mistakes. So after all is said everyone has learned a bit.

    I also want to thank everyone who has taken the time to give me his thoughts on my item. it surely is the most reviewed item until now.
    Many of you have said helpful things and made great suggestions.
    You all have helped me a great deal understanding how i could improve upon my style.
    Keep the comments and feedback coming, you are really motivation me to keep up with this experiment.

    One other thing I noticed while skimming through the entires was, that the more I like the idea and general execution of an item, the less i will pay attention to its flaws. While this surely produces less helpful criticism it certainly shows that good mojo can make up for mechanical flaws, but not vice versa.
    And if your item risks being called a spell in a can there is a way to prevent it form being noticed as such:
    if you write: "because of reason X, you gain the benefits of a blur spell with caster level 3" - this seems to be a boring spell-producing effect with some FX.
    but if you write: "because of reason X you gain concealment for 3 minutes " that is less evident, even if the effect is exactly the same.


    Azmahel wrote:

    And if your item risks being called a spell in a can there is a way to prevent it form being noticed as such:

    if you write: "because of reason X, you gain the benefits of a blur spell with caster level 3" - this seems to be a boring spell-producing effect with some FX.
    but if you write: "because of reason X you gain concealment for 3 minutes " that is less evident, even if the effect is exactly the same.

    Thank you for the input Azmahel!

    You may have not been referring directly to my entry, but your example is one of my exact mistakes. Well, there's next year.


    Gray wrote:
    Azmahel wrote:

    And if your item risks being called a spell in a can there is a way to prevent it form being noticed as such:

    if you write: "because of reason X, you gain the benefits of a blur spell with caster level 3" - this seems to be a boring spell-producing effect with some FX.
    but if you write: "because of reason X you gain concealment for 3 minutes " that is less evident, even if the effect is exactly the same.

    Thank you for the input Azmahel!

    You may have not been referring directly to my entry, but your example is one of my exact mistakes. Well, there's next year.

    Oh, your item was what made me realize this. I thought: "Nice effect, but that its just a spell is rather bland."


    You're absolutely right.

    I really like the idea behind my item, but didn't have the time to think out the mechanics. Anyway, if I have another chance, my item would look more like this.

    Cape of the Wandering Swallowtails
    Aura moderate illusion and transmutation; CL 6th
    Slot shoulders; Price 14,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
    Description
    This brilliantly colored garment is decorated with images of flying butterflies. The wearer is afflicted with sever wanderlust, and is compelled to travel and explore. The wearer gains a +1 luck bonus to saving throws as long as she has engaged in an act of exploration or discovery in the last 24 hours. The act of exploration may be as simple as exploring a new neighborhood, but must be done each day to retain the bonus. On command, the cape allows the wearer to transform into a swirling swarm of lucent butterflies once per day. This power gives the wearer the abilities of a gaseous form spell. In addition, on command the wearer summons a swarm of butterflies centered on her. The swarming butterflies give the wearer concealment for 6 minutes, and the swarm does not restrict the wearer’s vision. This power may be used once per day.
    Construction
    Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, gaseous form , blur ; Cost 7,000 gp

    I removed one SIAC effect, as you suggested. I also took away the punishment and replaced it with a carrot. This probably makes the gp values off, but I'm happier with it now.

    Dark Archive Star Voter Season 6

    clark's disapeared from this thread... i think he drowned in all the item submissions...


    ulgulanoth wrote:
    clark's disapeared from this thread... i think he drowned in all the item submissions...

    I think he's busy reviewing the round 2 entries.

    Dark Archive Star Voter Season 6

    thats more than likely


    I hope it's not too late to catch Clark, since I would love to know how the judges' discussion went regarding this item:

    Prism of the Pervasive Psyche
    Aura medium enchantment; CL 5th
    Slot eyes or – (see text); Price 28,562 gp; Weight 1 lb.&#8232;Description
    A dizzying crystal on a long golden chain, this intricately carved eyepiece may be worn as a monocle. Peering through its shimmering lens opens the mind and expands the senses, bringing with it a feeling of intense focus and oneness with the thoughts and feelings of surrounding minds. Wearing the prism confers a +5 competence bonus on Concentration and Sense Motive checks, and increases the DCs of mind-affecting spells and effects used by the wearer by 2. Three times per day, as a standard (mental) action, the wearer may consciously exert control through the prism to produce the effect of a calm emotions spell (DC 14, including the above +1). Due to continuously looking through the prism, however, the wearer’s own mind is left open, narrowly focused and vulnerable. The wearer suffers a -2 penalty to Will saves against mind-affecting spells and effects, and any successful use of the Bluff or Intimidate skills against him or her which exceeds the DC or opposed check by 5 or more is treated as a suggestion (DC 14, the -2 penalty applies). As a standard action usable when it is not being worn, the Prism may be dangled from its chain before the eyes of an adjacent living creature, affecting it as the spell hypnotism (DC 12), except that no HD limit applies and only a single creature is affected.
    Construction
    Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hypnotism, at least 8 ranks in Concentration; Cost 14,281 gp

    Thanks in advance for your critique(s)!

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