Clark, Please Give Me Feedback on My Item


RPG Superstar™ 2010 General Discussion

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Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32, 2010 Top 8 , Star Voter Season 6

markofbane wrote:

I would appreciate any feedback from the judges or from peers... It has been fantastic reading through the feedback on other items so far. This kind of training is going to make life even harder during round one of next year....

Thanks!

Companion’s Shifting Collar

Spoiler:
Companion’s Shifting Collar
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot neck; Price 12,000 gp; Weight -
Description
These items range in appearance from simple chains to bejeweled and elaborately tooled leather bands. When the collar is worn by an animal that is bonded to an individual by a class feature, the individual can cause the animal to assume the form of another animal allowed by the class feature. For example, a druid could transform his animal companion wolf into an ape or a wizard could transform her familiar cat into a weasel. For all purposes, treat the animal’s new form as if it were the creature originally selected for the class ability. Feats, skills or tricks already possessed do not change. This ability can be used once per day and is a standard action for the bonded individual. To change the animal’s form, the bonded individual and the animal must be within line of effect or empathic contact. A change will not occur if it would be harmful to the animal (e.g. turning an airborne bat into a toad, or a submerged shark into a horse). The bonded individual can choose to keep the new form as long as desired or to end this effect at any time, but once he does so the collar’s ability cannot be used again that day. If the collar is removed, the bonded animal immediately reverts to its original form and the power of the collar will not work for 24 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, beast shape III or baleful polymorph, creator must have an animal companion or familiar; Cost 6,000 gp

Ok. The concept is nice, but I think 6K is a bit under costed. For Wizards/Sorcerers with a familiar it's a 'dial a bonus' item. It also allows a convienent way to bypass the "Tyranasaurus in a small town" problem, or allows that wolf to become a T-rex.

Dark Archive

Trevor Gulliver wrote:

Bell of Lost Moments

Aura strong enchantment; CL 13th
Slot ---; Price 19,800 gp; Weight 1½ lbs.

Description
The bell of lost moments is a bronze hand-held bell. Ringing this bell will paralyze all humanoids within 30 feet except for the ringer (Will DC 20 negates). Creatures who cannot hear are not affected by the bell. Those affected gain the paralyzed condition for 2d4 rounds. After 2d4 rounds, those affected cannot remember anything that happened during that period. The bell sounds like a high-pitched chime that lasts for about 5 seconds. The bell can only be rung once every 24 hours.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item; hold person, mass; daze person; Cost 9,900 gp

My mind keeps coming back to this item, because I like the visual. Making this item grant the dazed or fascinated conditions might be more appropriate.

Being a pretentious yob, I'd probably use the word 'tintinabullations' somewhere in the text. :)

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

Lock Seeker
Aura faint divination ; CL 5th
Slot —; Price 15 000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
A lock seeker is a brass key ring etched with an N. Although the N appears to be carved into the ring, it always faces north no matter how the ring is turned. When looped through a key, a lock seeker acts like a compass with the key as its needle pointing towards the lock it opens. Looping a key is a move action.

A lock seeker does not lead around corners just as a compass does not follow maps. If the lock is above or below the lock seeker, the key stands or hangs as needed. It is possible to tell the distance from the lock by the speed with which the key moves. A character can make a Survival skill check (DC 15) to estimate distance to the lock. Determining the distance to a lock on a higher or lower floor is more difficult (DC 20)

A skeleton key spins indefinitely around a lock seeker. Multiple looped keys hang inert as though on a mundane key ring.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, know direction, locate object; Cost 7,500 gp

Dark Archive

Pierce Coady wrote:


Carved Finger Bones of Obligation [snip]
Once every three days the bearer may reach into the purse, pull forth any number of bones found therein, and throw them to the floor in adjacent empty locations. For each bone used this way, a human skeleton clad in tattered furs and cracked leather rises to defend the bearer. These skeletons will surround the bearer and guard her from all melee attacks for the next ten minutes. [snip]

I love this idea (and yeah, I'm a big fan of Corum's hand and eye as well), but instead of having the skeletons being replaced, I would stick to just having them restore as the same humanoid skeletons.

Perhaps the restoration mechanic would occur one / 24 hours, or perhaps they would have to slay a foe to replace one of their own. Perhaps if all five are ever destroyed at the same time, the pouch loses it's magic forever, and they don't restore lost skeletons unless one of the skeletons is involved in the killing of a living creature (meaning that if you've just got one skeleton left, you've got to risk bringing it out to replace some, perhaps by calling it out to coup de grace some felled opponents or something).

As others have said, I wouldn't want to deal with the whole templated thing and different types of skeletons, especially if the user gets a hydra or fire giant or something down to the negatives and then has his skeletons finish it off...


Sebastian wrote:

Thanks for the feedback in advance Clark. Here is my item:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

Description

As bad as a Mantid Sac tastes, the hatching and rapid maturation of millions of mantid eggs in the swallower’s stomach is an even worse experience. Once the gooey white egg sac is ingested, the colony of tiny mantids within reaches adulthood almost instantaneously and begins assisting its host’s bodily functions, granting fast healing 1 and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity-based skill checks and initiative checks. Due to the insects’ magically accelerated life cycle, the colony only survives for 10 rounds after ingestion, but may be expelled earlier by the host in the form of a 15 foot cone-shaped burst of buzzing insects. Those caught in the cone take 4d4 points of piercing damage and are sickened for the remainder of the colony’s lifespan. Each victim can attempt a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage and to avoid the sickened effect entirely. Expelling the mantids is a standard action for the host that does not provoke an attack of opportunity and ends the beneficial effects experienced by ingesting the Mantid Sac.

Mantid Sacs are typically created by mites, using fleshwarping techniques stolen and adapted from the drow. In addition to the normal effects of the Mantid Sac, a mite also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to its vermin empathy ability while hosting a colony.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, summon swarm; Cost 250 gp

Apologies, Sebastian, but failed my Will save to pass by this one..

Your description of the item omits any mention of size. You call it a 'gooey white egg sac' but make no indication of how big it is - which may have ramifications for what creatures can swallow it, and how easily.
The flavour text and effects whilst in the host's body seem to me to be pretty strongly written, but then you go on to describe how the user can make an attack which does 4d4 piercing damage in a 15 ft cone. Even with a Reflex save of only 13 for half damage and avoiding a sickened condition, this effect would seem to me to be at least the equivalent of a 3rd level potion (market price 750 gp) and then there is the fast healing and initiative bonuses on top of that. (The +2 to Dexterity based skill checks I consider to be gravy...) The market price you put on your item, however, is only 500 gp.
It's not clear if creatures still bothered by the swarm can get rid of them and end any sickened condition early with effects which would damage or destroy swarms.
Finally, since you mention that Mantid Sacs are made using fleshwarping techniques, then why isn't 'Brew Fleshcrafting Poison' on your list of Construction requirements?
My personal feeling is that while you have a pretty good (and certainly colourful) concept here, that it does too much for the price assigned.
Hope that this feedback, even if unlooked for, helps.

Paizo Employee Chief Technical Officer

Wesley Lee wrote:
Lesson learned; summon enhancing items not good, creepy evil things good.

Well, there are plenty of creepy, evil things that got rejected, too. In fact, I can think of at least one item that was rejected exclusively because it was *too* creepy and evil.


Ryan. Costello wrote:

Lock Seeker

Aura faint divination ; CL 5th
Slot —; Price 15 000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
A lock seeker is a brass key ring etched with an N. Although the N appears to be carved into the ring, it always faces north no matter how the ring is turned. When looped through a key, a lock seeker acts like a compass with the key as its needle pointing towards the lock it opens. Looping a key is a move action.

A lock seeker does not lead around corners just as a compass does not follow maps. If the lock is above or below the lock seeker, the key stands or hangs as needed. It is possible to tell the distance from the lock by the speed with which the key moves. A character can make a Survival skill check (DC 15) to estimate distance to the lock. Determining the distance to a lock on a higher or lower floor is more difficult (DC 20)

A skeleton key spins indefinitely around a lock seeker. Multiple looped keys hang inert as though on a mundane key ring.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, know direction, locate object; Cost 7,500 gp

You don't make clear what maximum range the lock seeker has from a key to its lock. If the range is well beyond the horizon, does curvature of the planet affect attempts to determine how far it is to a lock or the direction that should be taken?

What happens if the lock a key once fitted has been destroyed?
What happens if the lock a key fits is actually on another plane? (For example if the key is one to a chest which has been removed elsewhere by means of secret chest?)
What happens if the lock is for some reason in a zone protected against divination magics?
Finally, the item seems to me to be very much a 'story item', which PCs might use once or twice in a campaign to give them direction on a quest, but which will otherwise require them to be very creative to get any use out of.
Hope that this has been helpful. :)

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 8

Azmahel wrote:

Strand of Beating Hearts

this was the first time in my “being the judge” experiment I was tempted to simply write reject and not evaluate it to the end

I bought the core rules in Nov and that was the first time I've read a RPG since 1st ed was released. Because you second guessed yourself you get a Thank you! (instead of a foul mouthed dismissal)

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Locke1520

Thundering Thurible
Aura Strong Transmutation; CL 15th
Slot --; Price 55,000 gp; Weight 2lbs.
Description
This simple iron with copper filigree censor functions as a normal incense burner until a command word is uttered. Once activated the thurible quickly consumes any remaining incense and remains lit for as long as the wielder continues to take a standard action to swing the thurible up to a maximum of 10 rounds. While activated the censors smoke turns to roiling black storm clouds that surround the wielder with a radius of 10 feet obscuring all vision, including darkvision, beyond 5 feet. A creature 5 feet away has concealment (attacks have a 20% miss chance). Creatures farther away have total concealment (50% miss chance, and the attacker cannot use sight to locate the target). The wielder may see through these clouds normally. The storm clouds move with the thurible.

While activated the wielder may also take a standard action to swing the thurible to direct bolts of thunderous lightning to smite his foes. By swinging the thurible and incanting a second command a bolt of electricity arcs from the censor in a 5-foot-wide, 30-foot-long, bolt of lightning that deals 3d10 points of electricity damage (reflex save DC 16 for half) furthermore any creature in the path of the bolt must make a fortitude save DC 16 or be deafened for 1d6 rounds.

Lighting the Thundering Thurible in combat is a full round action that provokes attacks of opportunity.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, control weather, call lightning Cost 27,500gp

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

Sovereign Court Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7

Vic Wertz wrote:
Wesley Lee wrote:
Lesson learned; summon enhancing items not good, creepy evil things good.
Well, there are plenty of creepy, evil things that got rejected, too. In fact, I can think of at least one item that was rejected exclusively because it was *too* creepy and evil.

Are we talking "too creepy" in a Nicolas Logue sense of the term or more of a "gads, perhaps we should do a background check on the creator of the item" sense?

And, more importantly, has the creator posted it in this thread yet? ;)

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16

Clark Peterson wrote:
Azmahel wrote:


Ferryman's Toll
Dont know if I should say, but this one made the keep folder initially (so congrats and really good work!). The slot issue and the fact that a similar item was, in our view, better, was what did you in.

Sorry about that Azmahel, if I'd known my item would bump yours I'd have... well I'd have still submitted it but I'd have felt bad doing it ;)

RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka SmiloDan

Sebastian wrote:

Thanks for the feedback in advance Clark. Here is my item:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

Description

As bad as a Mantid Sac tastes, the hatching and rapid maturation of millions of mantid eggs in the swallower’s stomach is an even worse experience. Once the gooey white egg sac is ingested, the colony of tiny mantids within reaches adulthood almost instantaneously and begins assisting its host’s bodily functions, granting fast healing 1 and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity-based skill checks and initiative checks. Due to the insects’ magically accelerated life cycle, the colony only survives for 10 rounds after ingestion, but may be expelled earlier by the host in the form of a 15 foot cone-shaped burst of buzzing insects. Those caught in the cone take 4d4 points of piercing damage and are sickened for the remainder of the colony’s lifespan. Each victim can attempt a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage and to avoid the sickened effect entirely. Expelling the mantids is a standard action for the host that does not provoke an attack of opportunity and ends the beneficial effects experienced by ingesting the Mantid Sac.

Mantid Sacs are typically created by mites, using fleshwarping techniques stolen and adapted from the drow. In addition to the normal effects of the Mantid Sac, a mite also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to its vermin empathy ability while hosting a colony.

Construction

Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, summon swarm; Cost 250 gp

I really like this item. I love how it gives a benefit, but you can choose to end that benefit for another effect. And then that effect is damage PLUS a status effect (with no status effect on a successful save). I really like all the resource management decisions that go into this item (1. choosing to use it. 2. choosing to expel it.).


Dennis Baker wrote:
Clark Peterson wrote:
Azmahel wrote:


Ferryman's Toll
Dont know if I should say, but this one made the keep folder initially (so congrats and really good work!). The slot issue and the fact that a similar item was, in our view, better, was what did you in.
Sorry about that Azmahel, if I'd known my item would bump yours I'd have... well I'd have still submitted it but I'd have felt bad doing it ;)

No reason to feel bad about it. your item is better after all.

And seeing something similar in the Top in fact lightened my mood about being rejected.

Yeah, in Golarion it wouldn't be the Boneyard's toll it would be Pharasma's Blessing :)

Dark Archive Star Voter Season 6

Vic Wertz wrote:
Wesley Lee wrote:
Lesson learned; summon enhancing items not good, creepy evil things good.
Well, there are plenty of creepy, evil things that got rejected, too. In fact, I can think of at least one item that was rejected exclusively because it was *too* creepy and evil.

don't tell me it was my item....

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Cursed Bandages of the Fallen
Aura moderate necromancy [evil]; CL 7th
Slot chest; Price 4900gp; Weight 10lbs.
Description
The cursed bandages are filthy rotten rags that are wrapped around the wearer's chest functioning as padded armour. Any undead creature wrapped in these bandages has its channel resistance increased by 2. On command the wearer can consume the bandages enabling them to put a ward on a touched a creature. In doing so the bandages turn to dust and all benefits of this item other than the ward are lost. Any creature under the ward has all the positive energy it receives absorbed by the ward leaving it unaffected. This functions as the protection from energy spell, but for positive energy only. Unwilling creatures require a touch attack to put the ward on them and can attempt to resist it with a successful Will save against DC 16. If the wearer of the bandages is able to command undead they can use up one of their channel negative energy uses to boost the ward on activation to increase the DC by 2. The ward has a duration of one hour, but ends once it has either absorbed 30 or more points or has been removed by spells such as break enchantment and remove curse. The bandages bestow one permanent negative level on any non-evil creature that attempts to wear it. This remains as long as the bandages are worn and disappears when the bandages are removed. This negative level cannot be overcome in any way (including by restoration spells) while the bandages are worn. Should a non-evil wearer attempt to use the ward the negative level becomes permanent.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wonderous Item, bestow curse, desecrate, bandages or funeral wrappings taken from a year old dead body; Cost 2450gp

Liberty's Edge

Azmahel wrote:
[Yeah, in Golarion it wouldn't be the Boneyard's toll it would be Pharasma's Blessing :)

je that is a better name... again i will be borrowing :P


Montalve wrote:
Azmahel wrote:
[Yeah, in Golarion it wouldn't be the Boneyard's toll it would be Pharasma's Blessing :)
je that is a better name... again i will be borrowing :P

and a top32 item :P take a look at it. It has some great ideas going on


Guy Humual wrote:
Have we gotten feedback on the items on the second page yet?

I am on page two too, for anyone who would like to review it...Blood-stained War Cassock

It is included below under the spoiler button (so as to avoid spamming my item)...

Spoiler:

Blood-stained War Cassock
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot body; Price 6,000 gp (+1), 21,000 gp (+2), 46,000 gp (+3), 81,000 gp (+4), 126,000 gp (+5); Weight 1 lb.
Description
This well worn, ankle length robe is favored by clerics who take up arms along side of their comrades. The blood-stained war cassock grants a sacred bonus to the wearer’s armor class from +1 to +5, depending on the kind of cassock. If the wearer is a divine spellcaster (e.g. cleric, paladin) the holy symbol of the wearer’s deity will appear on the front of the cassock after the first time the divine spellcaster prays for spells, allowing the wearer to also use the cassock as a divine focus. Finally, three times per day the wearer can use his channel energy class ability as a swift action.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, consecrate, cure light wounds, mass; creator must be a divine spellcaster; creator's caster level must be at least three times the cassock’s sacred bonus to armor class; Cost 3,000 gp (+1), 10,500 gp (+2), 23,000 gp (+3), 40,500 gp (+4), 63,000 gp (+5).

Thanks,
anthrorob


Draden wrote:

I am not Clark, but I gave your item a once over and first thing I noticed is that you didn't have "craft wondrous item" under the requirements. Pulling straight from the template every entry should at least have that put in there since it was given as a template. Since this item can't be crafted and older ages, IMO you could actually take out the costing for the other age categories of the books. Very unique idea, however the costing for the new book IMO is still low, your dealing with permanent continuous effects on the book, such as detect thoughts. Detect thoughts minimum CL 3rd continuous would be 2x3x2000gp x2 (continous effect with a duration of 1min/lvl) 24,000gp, just for detect thoughts only, add legend lore and your price will be way more expensive.

Good points, very unique item that I am going to use in a campaign at a few of the local gamestores here. I can think of a ton of adventures just by having PC's use this tome. The ancient and older tomes could almost be minor artifacts with all the knowledge they could contain. I would even go so far as to say that if a player picks up a book, I would make them do either a straight up knowledge check or a perception check to find specific information they are looking for since the book itself doesn't automatically give you the information your looking for. Very nice item.

my 2c

Regards
Dredan

D'oh! That's quite an oversight. I had concerns over the pricing, whoops! Thanks for the feedback!

Liberty's Edge Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7

Pathfinder Companion Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
anthrorob wrote:
Guy Humual wrote:
Have we gotten feedback on the items on the second page yet?

I am on page two too, for anyone who would like to review it...Blood-stained War Cassock

It is included below under the spoiler button (so as to avoid spamming my item)...

** spoiler omitted **

Thanks,
anthrorob

Since you were kind enough to critique my item, I'll be glad to return the favor.

Descriptiveness: could have used more, especially with an inspiring name like "Blood-stained War Cassok". I do like the addition of the wearer's holy symbol after he prays. However, this raises the question of whether or not this symbology is removed when removing the Cassok, or remains until the conditions are met by a worshiper of another deity (I could see a worshiper of Iomedae having a real problem donning a cassok formerly worn by a worshipper of Zon-Kuthon, for example.)

Sacred bonus: does anything else give a sacred bonus to AC? I couldn't find anything. This means this AC bonus stacks with everything else. This could be a big problem. Probably would have been more acceptable as a deflection bonus.

Channel energy: At 6000 gp, this is probably too good. I think you may have wanted to scale this, for example 1 use per day at +1/+2, 2 at +3/+4, and 3 at +5 (or maybe 1 at +1, 2 at +2/+3 and 3 at +4/+5.) I just looked at the Metamagic, Quicken Rod for a comparison and a lesser is 35,000gp. Granted, this is much less versatile since it can be used for only one ability, but, even so, my gut tells me this feature may be what killed it even more than the sacred bonus.

Overall, I like the idea behind the Cassok, getting Clerics and Paladins into the middle of battle. But without changing it, I would want every evil cleric I run in my campaigns to have one, and I'm sure every PC Cleric/Paladin and a good amount of the fighty types would want one too. The 6000gp version at the very least.

Thanks

Stratton

Edit: on the creation requirements: the first two are aligned towards good; why would an evil creator not use desecrate and inflict light wounds, mass? Also, I'm not sure these requirements really line up with what the item does.

Dark Archive

Sebastian wrote:

Mantid Sac

Aura faint conjuration; CL 4th
Slot ---; Price 500 gp; Weight ---

Description
As bad as a Mantid Sac tastes, the hatching and rapid maturation of millions of mantid eggs in the swallower’s stomach is an even worse experience. Once the gooey white egg sac is ingested, the colony of tiny mantids within reaches adulthood almost instantaneously and begins assisting its host’s bodily functions, granting fast healing 1 and a +2 enhancement bonus to Dexterity-based skill checks and initiative checks. Due to the insects’ magically accelerated life cycle, the colony only survives for 10 rounds after ingestion, but may be expelled earlier by the host in the form of a 15 foot cone-shaped burst of buzzing insects. Those caught in the cone take 4d4 points of piercing damage and are sickened for the remainder of the colony’s lifespan. Each victim can attempt a DC 13 Reflex save for half damage and to avoid the sickened effect entirely. Expelling the mantids is a standard action for the host that does not provoke an attack of opportunity and ends the beneficial effects experienced by ingesting the Mantid Sac.

Mantid Sacs are typically created by mites, using fleshwarping techniques stolen and adapted from the drow. In addition to the normal effects of the Mantid Sac, a mite also gains a +2 enhancement bonus to its vermin empathy ability while hosting a colony.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cure light wounds, summon swarm; Cost 250 gp

Takes a common late 3.5 mechanic (and fairly common Monte Cook-favorite idea for spells), item that gives a small benefit and can be 'tapped' or expended for a larger one-time effect, and adds a *heap* of creative (and eye-catching!) flare to it.

Mechanically, it's little different than a Potion of Fire Breath that gives your Fire Resistance until you use it, or something like that, only it's about a zillion times more evocative.

Nice attention-getting, pony-boy!

Scarab Sages Marathon Voter Season 7

Pathfinder Card Game, Rulebook Subscriber

The main problem I see with the mantid sac is the question of whether or not its a wondrous item or a living creature.

Dark Archive

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber
zylphryx wrote:
Are we talking "too creepy" in a Nicolas Logue sense of the term or more of a "gads, perhaps we should do a background check on the creator of the item" sense?

Whoa! Hang on there a second. I don't think there's a difference between these two type of people.


And now I continue with my “being the Judge” experiment. This time I will tackle page 2 of this thread.
I noticed one thing I often did in my previous review: I compiled questions about the items. I guess that is my way of evaluation. I most cases I think I know the answer to the questions, but I think the item should have answered them, not my experience with the game and it's rules.

My main focus today will be speeding up the process without loosing quality of evaluation and feedback. We will see how well I'll fare.

War Paint of the Totem-Beast

Spoiler:

italicized flavor text ( short story) does not follow the usual way of item presentation.
The formula for drain is to complicated – and the drain is not necessary form a balance standpoint.
It's best shape in a can, with some little added effect. (Minor skill bonus + speak with animals.)
It's bad that the skill bonus is determined by the DM , a good designed item is designed completely , without blanks to fill out by the user or DM

Orbs of the Jongleur

Spoiler:

thats a fancy, slotless ring of protection +2.
I would have liked to see a mechanism that can disrupt your juggling in the full round of activation. Otherwise it's just a minor drawback. And the item would be heavily underpriced.
Juggling is not an existing category of the perform skill (it might be an application of act or dance).
Beside these issues it's a nice idea and might have been tossed around a bit (pun intended) , but the tankard of the cheerful duelist is somewhat similar to this, yet greatly outshines it.

Ardent Binding

Spoiler:

It's a book binding that gives the book extra pages?
What does a scroll being integrated mean? You mentioned being transcribed later so it's not the same.
So what does this item do: it increases the size of your spellbook, (done before) eases transcribing spells (done before) and lets you book fly about. Other for flair thats not of much use, since the book has no hands and nearly no use ( as a tiny animated object it's even more vulnerable than as a normal book) . And to have a flying spellbook companion there's Mage Hand.
Craft Construct , not craft Construct feat. &#8592; this means your item is a construct, not a wondrous item. Grounds for auto rejection.

INCENSE OF THE VERDANT VALE

Spoiler:

The name got me interested, and I don't like most incense items.
Attacking should automatically free a creature from the hazes effects.
Rage and inspire courage etc. should only be canceled for affected creatures.
Aside from that: Great item. I really like it.

GYRE OF THE BELATED WITNESS

Spoiler:

This time the name bugged me. I can't put the finger on why, but just by reading the name I started to dislike the item.

How do the symbols mark the passage of time with exact precision? Is it really a digital clock or does one need to be trained in interpreting the symbols?
I think “seeing what has happened in the last 24 hours” is a fairly popular idea in this contest.
So we have 84000 gp for a fnacy digital clock that can 1/day cast a very limited version of legend lore. Even an unlimited Legend Lore 1/day would only cost 43500gp so its way to expensive.

Teran Crystal

Spoiler:

a non- existent illusion ?
Can the illusion pretend to act? Or is it just an illusion of you standing still? If you can how are it's actions determined?
162000 for what an amulet of proof against detection does, but without the cl check... I don't know if that feels right.
Anyway its not too creative or even a new concept. While it is not really flawed I would have no problem with leaving it where it is and proceed to the other items.
Or in other words: “i don't care about this”

Cricket Whistle

Spoiler:

Delivering a spoken message with a whistle? Weird.
Why does the target get a competence bonus to hear the message? It's not using the whistle.
“not withing line of effect” this is a can of worms: does it pass through a wall of force? How about silence effects?
The concentration check should be based on a distraction (violent motion maybe?), not casting defensively.

I somewhat miss the Cricket in this item ( except for the description)

Azul Ka's Twenty-Four Stratagems

Spoiler:

Weird name. Let's see what this has to offer.
This is an item that can be shared by the whole group without problems. That is a nice idea.
In which language is the book written?
again I see a roll twice, take better effect. They are not necessarily bad, but also not the pinnacle of good or innovative design.
The characters will be battling each other on who will get to use the initiative bonus, also you should clarify that the use of the bonus must be announced before using the ability ( or may be used after rolling, if so intended)
I don't know if you really can use knowledge to identify a persons abilities and weaknesses. Normaly that use is reserved for monsters ( Trolls have regeneration might be more or less common knowledge, that bob the magican has prepared fireball less so)

Amulet Of Shadows

Spoiler:

This is more expensive than any wondrous item in the book. It has a thin line to thread, between wondrous item and artifact.
Wait. Its 3/day animate dead, with maximum one use active at a time?
So a really , really expensive spell in a can.
And a 4th level spell on top of that, so we can have up to 16 Hd of undead controlled with this nearly all the time. 16 Hd of skeletons and zombies.
I'd rather take anything else ( 2 Helms of Brilliance anyone? ) or if I really, really want those skeletons (sick bastard) I would rather buy 100 robes of bones.

KEY OF OPPORTUNISTIC PASSAGE

Spoiler:

Wallpassing items have been done before and this one is needlessly complicated. Also requiring both the DM and the player to keep notes about this item is a bad thing. (there is a reason, why most items are player transparent, esp. regarding charges.)
But the flavor you have going on with this item is great and evocative. The cliché princess part could easily be left out and I would prefer this item without it.

Bilegrub

Spoiler:

somehow I'm expecting a monster here
There seem to be a lot icky swallowing items this year. Whats up with this?
Most concerns you had hold a grain of truth.
And then it might really be suited better as a symbiotic creature.

Bracelet of Desperate Measures

Spoiler:

if it doesn't use up the Arms slot it should have been listed as Slot : –
After all they are just healing potion-hand-grenades.
The sanctuary effect is nice, but not enough to make it interesting enough to be a keeper.
This is a good case of “nice but not more”.

Oberon’s Magnificent Pouch of Wonders

Spoiler:

Hah, this must be the favorite item of “Marimar, Mage Most Magnificent”.

But how can a pouch be magnificent. Count me interested, but doubtful if the item is as over the top as its name ( which would be awesome :D )
if sprinkled in the air: Dust of appearance
if sprinkled on creature: Dust of disappearance.
So if an invisible creature ( wich is willing :P ) is standing in front of you and you sprinkle the dust does it appear?
this should be named Schrödinger's magnificent Pouch of Wonders.
Instead of a dc 18 will save with a -4 penalty it should simply be a dc 22 save. Less math to do.
Whats the bonus type for the diplomacy checks?

This is clearly a case of swiss army knife. And I think its neither magnificent nor wonderful, but it's a pouch. 1/3 :)

Nod’s Grimoire

Spoiler:

A magical book that knows everything you know (or ever knew ) for that matter. To me that sounds like a cheap excuse for a player to not pay attention. Because if he forgets anything the Dm now must tell him everything again. Meh.

ODOUR OF SANCTITY

Spoiler:

1.Attribute enhancements are now very slot specific. So this should be an headband.
2.The whole sanctuary effect is way too complicated and too random and it needs a DC listed.
3.How long will the roses last once picked?

Good Bonzai

Spoiler:

Why is the bonzai good? Because of the goodberries?
I would have liked Giant Bonzai. But that would be awfully close to a gag item.
Your concerns were right. Spell in a can with nice little FX.

Diabolic Face of Dispater

Spoiler:

Is the bonus in intimidate untyped?
Saves are against effects, not versus. Also do they get the penalty on the first save (which is a fear effect)

Is vision of hell from Gods & magic or any other legal source I don't have at hand? Otherwise that is a problem.

How often can the wearer use the Scream of Fear, reading the item both once and once per round are legal interpretations.

Necklace of the Taniwha

Spoiler:

“After concentrating for a minute the wearer of the necklace is able to transfer his consciousness to the linked natural feature. The character is able to look in all directions and sees as if affected by the spell true seeing, this effect continues for as long as concentration is maintained.”
-Does the wearer see whats happening at the locale or at his position. Does he see everything at the locale if it is a big locale, like a small wood or a mountain or is his point of vision fixed somewhere?

What we have here is again a scrying device ( again), and one linked to one location. While the flavor is understandable and sound for some scenarios ( tribesman protection their home, shamans spiritually linked to a holy site , etc.) thats all.

Blood-stained War Cassock

Spoiler:

This may be one of the mechanically sound and good items that won't make the cut.
This reads like a standard wondrous item that uses the new channeling rules, not like something Superstar.
The cost for the AC bonus should be (2.500 (+1) 10000 (+2) 23500 (+3) … ) while the swift action power should always cost the same, so pricing is a concern.

Totem of Manipulative Summons

Spoiler:

this item seems a bit swiss army knife like to me.
Also compared to the augment summoning feat it is quite strong.
I don't like the mishap rules, but don't have a suggestion to improve them.
So far your item is not bad at all, but the spirit binding part is where it gets wonky.
Do you bind one specific creature or one kind of creature to the staff? how many creatures can you have spirit bound at a time? Do the bound creatures called count to the chance of mishap? ( you summon a bounded giant spider three times a day and then an unbounded Dinosaur. Do you have a chance of mishap? Also items that you can improve by repeated small investments are not good in my eyes.

The Light of the Living

Spoiler:

This screams spell in a can.
Why does it provoke attacks of opportunity? wondrous items normally don't do so.
How long does the candle burn if not blown out?

Cayden Cailean's Stupendous Stein

Spoiler:

Spells in a Stein.

Syringe of Infernal Sight

Spoiler:

This should have been the Syringe of inverted Sight.
While the idea of inverting light conditions is great and interesting, the execution, starting with the eye-injection part is clunky and complicated.
I would have loved it as a disgusting swallow item. With the FX of your eyes being covered by an Inky film.
Also it seems to be overpriced.
Googles of Darkvison cost only 8000 and do completely negate any darkness short of deeper darkness.

Darkjoy, comparing this to your last item I think this is a step in the wrong direction for you.

The Searcher's Song

Spoiler:

A song in the form of goggles? Count me both interested and confused.
“however when the harmonic powers of sound are properly applied, the wearer can see the reflections that those sounds make”
This sentence needs to be clarified. Its not clear what it's supposed to say. ( at least not for me)
So you need to make a skill check every round to check if you see something? Thats no good.

EVISCERATED VOCAL CORDS OF THE ENVENOMED TONGUE

Spoiler:

Marimar the Mage Most Magnificent approves of this items name. Will this hold up to his expectations?- But since when do tongues have vocal cords?

The Judges once said that they don't like items based on the wearers stats (at least charges based on an attribute) I don't mind them, but I can see the issue ( mostly pricing)
Telling a lie as a swift action? Bluffing in combat is a standard action, should be based on this. (otherwise it needs to be a quick lie “I am your god! “)

Nice lie-telling item, but it is belied by it's own name. (I get the poison, but where is the evisceration, I ask you where is the evisceration! )

Scarab of the Sepulcher

Spoiler:

Nicely done. The HP formula is a bit too long. But thats about it. I like it.
One Problem presents itself after some consideration: you must wear the scarab for 24 hours for it to work, and after you used it it is inert for 24 hours. Which means you can use it every 48 hours at best.
I'm sure thats not intended.

Wassail Cup

Spoiler:

for 50Gp animating a Tree for 10 minutes screams too powerful to me.
And then it's just a spell in a can again.

Pit Gambler's Vest

Spoiler:

Wow. Thats videogamey, also inflict minor wounds no longer is in the game.

Sheath of Returning

Spoiler:

Meh. This is an I don't care item.
Works only on returning weapons? Way too limited.
And it needs a weapon to be sheathed for a full 24 h.
And each sheath is keyed to a specific type of weapon.

Drunkard’s Stein of Battlefield Celebration

Spoiler:

Another Stein. Cayden is pleased!
Being surrounded by a wall of force? Your average drunken warrior is not pleased. How can you bash in some skulls if you are trapped?
The drawback mechanism is too “non simple”. ( It's not really complicated, but its not made for ease of use)
Random recharge is another bad design choice here.

Blood of the Martyr

Spoiler:

“(taking up the space as a magic necklace would)” -delete this
I like the life-saving mechanism. But I would rewrite it to let the wearer remain standing with just 1 HP left ( borrowed from harm) no matter how much damage the attack would have done.
The blood spraying effect is weird and could have been implemented more smoothly.
The wounds that are prevented seem to appear nevertheless, allowing the wearer to make a feint attempt as an immediate action by dropping prone.

Community Haversack

Spoiler:

A shared handy haversack? This has a video game feeling to it ( group inventory anyone? )
the 80% chance of finding standard gear inside it is the real can of worms here:
At least you limit the number of items that can be removed, but if you don't find an item, you simply try again until it magically appears in the bag.
You mention removing the restriction on the number of items and I don't understand what you are doing there, but allowing for endless item production is a big no-go

Mindleech Glove

Spoiler:

It would be best to delete the last line of backstory, better be save then sorry ;)
stealing feats is an interesting concept and has a spark of creativity most items are missing,
yet it is lacking on the flavor / Imagery side of things. Try explaining why the gloves do what they do. Try to mix creative rules with creative flavor, because that way lies the superstar :)

Ok, I wasn't any faster this time.
Most things I already said had proven to be true.
Especially the attention grabbing great name part.
But you can overdo it. If your item's name has 2 adjectives or more than 4 words on it you are probably on that road. (But not necessary: “the last leaves of the autumn dryad” is a great name.

Again I need rest.
I will be back for page 3, maybe even today.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Azmahel wrote:


Syringe of Infernal Sight

This should have been the Syringe of inverted Sight.
While the idea of inverting light conditions is great and interesting, the execution, starting with the eye-injection part is clunky and complicated.
I would have loved it as a disgusting swallow item. With the FX of your eyes being covered by an Inky film.
Also it seems to be overpriced.
Googles of Darkvison cost only 8000 and do completely negate any darkness short of deeper darkness.

Darkjoy, comparing this to your last item I think this is a step in the wrong direction for you.

After submitting it, I thought of Syringe of Infernal Inversion as a name, but by then it was already to late. In the end what did me in was the focus on delivering the 'BIG' idea that the judges look for.

I think that I just cannot do 'whohoo look at this item' thing, I can only design perfectly acceptable wondrous items that are publishable in a book. I've done that already, and in my mind there is a sharp contrast between writing publisable work and being top 32 in RPG Superstar. It's difficult to explain, but there is a difference.

Thanks for the review, small rebuttal on the price: I rate full color vision with unlimited range slightly higher than black and white with a 60 ft. range but yeah, 25000gp would have been a better price.

Maybe next year.


Darkjoy wrote:


I've done that already, and in my mind there is a sharp contrast between writing publisable work and being top 32 in RPG Superstar. It's difficult to explain, but there is a difference.

There definitely is. I think that you pretty much nailed the spirit of Rpg Superstar with your effect - unique, creative, evocative -, but your execution, both in style and mechanics pretty much kills the idea. I think you aimed for the creepy gonzo factor that got items like the school of eyes and the migrus locker in the contest, but you are overdoing it. Especially since the Judges are becoming more resistant to gonzo from year to year.

What they seem to dig now is great ideas paired with clean, clear design.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Azmahel wrote:

There definitely is. I think that you pretty much nailed the spirit of Rpg Superstar with your effect - unique, creative, evocative -, but your execution, both in style and mechanics pretty much kills the idea.

As I said elsewhere, this year's item had double the mojo.

Other essential design stuff suffered because of it ;<

Luckily paid design work is up this year ;>

Sovereign Court

Azmahel wrote:
And now I continue with my “being the Judge” experiment. This time I will tackle page 2 of this thread.

First of all, thank you for taking the time to do this! There were a lot of items to look though and I'm sure everyone appreciates the feedback.

Nod’s Grimoire
Spoiler:
Azmahel wrote:
A magical book that knows everything you know (or ever knew ) for that matter. To me that sounds like a cheap excuse for a player to not pay attention. Because if he forgets anything the Dm now must tell him everything again. Meh.

Well there is that aspect to it. But players that don't want to listen aren't going to use this as an excuse to not listen more. Besides, I thought, it's really only a minor ability and not something a player who's uninterested in the plot and story would be willing to shell out the gold for. It's my experience that this type of player is more interested in the items with the "+" beside the name. its abilities to take 20 on knowledge checks and it's use as a traveling spell book are the things that I thought would be the focal points of the object.

Thanks again for the feedback Azmahel! From your feedback and that of others, I'm beginning to suspect that my item is far too much fluff. I personally drool at the thought of using this item as a player or putting it in the hands of a PC as a DM but I fear my preferred play style isn't universal.

Scarab Sages Dedicated Voter Season 7

Azmahel wrote:

And now I continue with my “being the Judge” experiment. This time I will tackle page 2 of this thread.

I noticed one thing I often did in my previous review: I compiled questions about the items. I guess that is my way of evaluation. I most cases I think I know the answer to the questions, but I think the item should have answered them, not my experience with the game and it's rules.

Re: Oberon's Magnificent Pouch of Wonders

Hah! Good constructive criticism AND a reference to quantum physics. That's a real twofer. Thanks, Azmahel. That really did help, and has given me a lot to mull over for next year.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Clark, could you please provide your feedback on the "Rancid Wreath of the Shattered Jaw"? I appreciate it (although I might have to brace myself).

RANCID WREATH OF THE SHATTERED JAW
Aura moderate transmutation (polymorph); CL 9th
Slot neck; Price 9,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.
DESCRIPTION
This grisly necklace is strung with an assortment of teeth, jaw bones, and severed tongues collected from a host of various creatures. As a standard action, the wearer (and only the wearer) may detach and crush one of these fetishes to cause his jaw to magically transform, thereby granting the natural bite, tongue, and/or gore (tusked creatures only) attacks and any extraordinary special abilities (such as disease, poison, or grab) associated with the mouth-based attack of the source creature from which the fetish was obtained. Damage, save DC, frequency, effect, and cure are that of the specific source creature and are unmodified by the wearer’s own abilities or gear. Extraordinary abilities which rely on a unique physiology not directly related to the mouth-based attack of the source creature in order to function, such as the swallow whole ability, are not gained. This affect lasts for 2d4 rounds. In addition, the wearer gains a +1 competence bonus on Bluff and Diplomacy checks made against creatures of the same race/monstrous race as that of the fetish while the necklace is worn. If a fetish is detached, this benefit is immediately lost. These bonuses stack.
A DC 10 (plus the source creatures CR) Heal or Craft (jewelry) and 30 minutes is required to successfully extract a tooth, tongue or tusk from its source and attach it to the necklace (Large or smaller creatures only), at which time it immediately becomes usable. A maximum of five such specially prepared fetishes may be affixed to the necklace at a time, all of which must originate from a dead or undead source creature.
CONSTRUCTION
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape III, suggestion; Cost 4,700 gp


Azmahel wrote:


Orbs of the Jongleur
** spoiler omitted **

Thank you for the feedback Azmahel. Quite informative.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32 aka KissMeDarkly

anthrorob wrote:
Blood-stained War Cassock

Let's ignore the Armor Class Bonus... let's look at the three times a day, the wearer can use his Channel Energy ability as a swift action. Channelling Energy deals 1d6 plus an additional 1d6 every two caster levels. So at third level the cleric can channel a 2d6 energy blast twice in a single turn. Six times over three consecutive rounds. By 11th level, the cleric or paladin channels energy of 6d6 strength. Twice in a single round. And at 20th level? That's up to 11d6.

Let's go back to that 11th level cleric. Assuming an average of 18 points (3 dmg./d6.) You could potentially deal 36 damage to undead OR heal 36 damage to living creatures OR deal 18 damage to undead and heal 18 damage to living creatures.

Your item is too powerful for just 6000 GP.

Dark Archive

Darkjoy wrote:
Uri Lifshitz 53 wrote:

Const Wand of Wands

Hay Steven,
This wasn't a hoax. let me answer to your comment:
1. Just because something have the word "WAND" in it's name - doesn't automayicaly makes it into a wand. this item transforms into wands of the kind of spells you already know (even if you don't have them memorised).
2. since this item have the ability to transform into diffrent wands I figured it would make sense to put Craft Wands as a prerequisite.

So you admit it functions as a wand? Are wands wondrous item? No they are not, because you find them under the wand heading.

First rule of writing (there are multiple #1 rules by the way): give the editor what he wants, how he wants it.

I hope you understand that your item fails to conform to rule #1.

I wasn't going to chime in on this, however, it seems like people are forgetting one of the basic tenents of a wondrous item. If it breaks the rules, it is probably a wondrous item. And it does break the rules. Go ahead and tell me, based on the wand rules in the Core book, how you would replicate his item?

Since I am going to assume you can't, I'll follow up with another point. Elixer of Love is pretty much a potion. However, because you can't make it using the potion rules( a potion has has to be a siac ) it is under wondrous items. Just like you can't make anything but a spell-in-a-stick for a wand. His item definitely falls into the wondrous item category. I won't comment on the rest of the item, but you can't write him off and say you won't comment because his item isn't a wondrous item.

Scarab Sages Marathon Voter Season 7

Pathfinder Card Game, Rulebook Subscriber
Draeke Raefel wrote:


I wasn't going to chime in on this, however, it seems like people are forgetting one of the basic tenents of a wondrous item. If it breaks the rules, it is probably a wondrous item. And it does break the rules. Go ahead and tell me, based on the wand rules in the Core book, how you would replicate his item?

If it uses the feat, Craft Wands, then it is not a wondrous item, it is a wand. It might be a broken wand that doesn't follow the rules, but just because it breaks the rules does not make it a wondrous item.

I'm pretty sure anytime the judges have to decide if your submission is actually a wondrous item you are in trouble from the get go.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

Wicht wrote:


I'm pretty sure anytime the judges have to decide if your submission is actually a wondrous item you are in trouble from the get go.

+1

And with the name: wand of wands, you are not really helping yourself.

The Exchange

anthrorob wrote:
Guy Humual wrote:
Have we gotten feedback on the items on the second page yet?

I am on page two too, for anyone who would like to review it...Blood-stained War Cassock

It is included below under the spoiler button (so as to avoid spamming my item)...

** spoiler omitted **

Thanks,
anthrorob

This is one of my favorite items I have read so far. If it were lessened in power and/or increased in price, it could have been stellar.

I have nothing really to add beyond what other reviewers said; just wanted to mention it was pretty damn cool.

Dark Archive RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 9

Jake_Raven wrote:

I created several items and showed them to my friends. They voted on them and I submitted the winner. Five minutes later... I found the thread with the critiques of last years items: My heart dropped with every reference to "spell in a can" until I couldn't tell if the throbbing in my back-side was from the beating of my heart or from kicking myself for submitting this item:

Bracelet of Charms
Aura Faint Conjuration; CL 3rd
Slot Arm; Price 2160 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
This platinum bracelet can accommodate up to 6 charms and can heal the wearer for 2d8 hp once per day. Each charm has a unique magical property that is usable once per day. The charms may be changed, but a charm must be worn for 24 hours before its magic can be accessed. If a charm is taken off the bracelet, it must be worn for an additional 24 before the magic can be accessed.
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Cure Moderate wounds; Cost 1080 gp
Crystal Skull Charm:
Aura Faint Illusion; CL 3rd
Slot -; Price 2160 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
When this charm is activated, it grants the wearer Invisibility for 3 min.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, invisibility; Cost 1080 gp
Jade Feather Charm:
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot - ; Price 1080 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
When this charm is activated, it grants the wearer Feather Fall once per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Feather Fall; Cost 540 gp
Gold Key Charm:
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 11th
Slot - ; Price 7920 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
When this charm is activated, it triggers a Knock spell with a caster level of 11 once per day
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Knock; Cost 3960 gp
Silver Winged Boot Charm:
Aura Faint Transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot - ; Price 2160 gp; Weight - lbs.
Description
When this charm is activated, it triggers a Levitate spell once per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Levitate; Cost 1080 gp
Similar charms can be made with an appropriate bauble to...

Aren't nearly all wondrous items "spells in a can" of one kind or another? Frankly, I like your item a lot Jake. As a GM, it's something an NPC could offer a party before they begin a great quest. As a player . . . I wish I had one!

Dark Archive RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 9

Darkjoy wrote:
Azmahel wrote:

There definitely is. I think that you pretty much nailed the spirit of Rpg Superstar with your effect - unique, creative, evocative -, but your execution, both in style and mechanics pretty much kills the idea.

As I said elsewhere, this year's item had double the mojo.

Other essential design stuff suffered because of it ;<

Luckily paid design work is up this year ;>

Is design work really "up this year"? What makes you say that Darkjoy?

Dark Archive

Benjamin Bruck wrote:
Karnas Sunderscale wrote:
Hi People... My item is on page 7. I would love some feedback. One thing I realized to my horror is my entry did not come out with the sections that I had made bold--bold. Does anyone belive that would be grounds for an auto-reject? It has only now come to my relization that there is something about 'bbc' something-or-other in order to have had it post the way I intended it to. I am new to these forum postings so I was unfortunately ignorant to this action. Even now I'm not sure if I would do it properly even knowing about it. Anyway... feedback would be great thanks..

Its my understanding that nobody got disqualified for failure to use BBCode, so you don't have to worry about that.

If you'd like to use that stuff in the future though, there's a button labelled "BBCode tags you can use:" just below the text window, that'll show all the tags the forums support.

Welcome to the boards by the way!

Thank you for your help. It is especially appreciated since you are one of the top 32 and still found the time to do so. Cheers.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy

James Thomas wrote:


Is design work really "up this year"? What makes you say that Darkjoy?

The two shiny contracts that I've received this year, so compared to January 2009 I am up 100%.

There is still paid work out there, RPG superstar is great fun, but it is not the only game in town......

So query those publishers!

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8

Darkjoy wrote:
James Thomas wrote:


Is design work really "up this year"? What makes you say that Darkjoy?

The two shiny contracts that I've received this year, so compared to January 2009 I am up 100%.

There is still paid work out there, RPG superstar is great fun, but it is not the only game in town......

So query those publishers!

Indeed, anybody who is serious about wanting to write rpg related material shouldn't be looking at this contest as the only way to break in... just like any other sort of writing you need to be out there "pounding the pavement" (so to speak) getting yourself out there and looking for companies that need or are simply open to submissions and get to sending those query letters!

Star Voter Season 9

I want to thank you Azmahel for your critique and insight.

Meds wrote:

Shards of the Devil-Mirror

Aura strong divination; CL 19th
Slot eyes; Price 52,000 gp for a pair; Weight

Description
These two crystal fragments fit over the user's eyes, revealing the darkness in people's hearts. Whenever the wearer looks at someone, disturbing glimpses of the subject's past flood the wearer's vision.

The shards grant a +10 profane bonus on Sense Motive checks, and a -2 penalty on saving throws against charm and compulsion effects created by evil creatures.

Once per day, the wearer can see more than a fleeting glimpse of the past. This acts as the vision spell, but it can only target a person in the wearer's line of sight. The vision must relate to an act of evil. If the target is overwhelmingly evil, this may stun the wearer (per the detect evil spell).

Only good outsiders appear unchanged through the shards of the devil-mirror — they are immune to the shards' effects. Both shards must be worn, and creatures must be visible to the wearer, for the magic item to have any effect.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, detect evil, detect good, vision; Cost 26,000 gp

Azmahel wrote:
were the links included in your submission? That might be bad, because it's not proper format.

Good point. They were indeed included. I've got to admit it didn't even cross my mind that links might be risky. The Migrus Locker did it back in '08, but we have 2 new judges since then.

Azmahel wrote:

The item is +10 sense motive (unusual bonus) and 1/day Vision with some restrictions and a minor drawback.

Sounds like nice but missing spark/innovation
Also there seems to be some disconnection between what your item does , why it does it and how it does it. The vision effect is you seeing in the past of the creature , yet good outsiders remain unchanged to your perception ( you haven't mentioned your perception changes) and are immune ( why? Don't they have a past? ).
I think I know which effect you want to deliver with your item, but thats me guessing not your item telling me. You should practice bringing your ideas from your mind to paper.

Your guess is pretty much right on. In retrospect, the effect I was trying to communicate is that you can see the evil thoughts and deeds in the creature's past swirling around them. That's what I was attempting to communicate with this:

"Whenever the wearer looks at someone, disturbing glimpses of the subject's past flood the wearer's vision."
and
"These two crystal fragments fit over the user's eyes, revealing the darkness in people's hearts."
I wasn't as clear with it as I thought I was being. Thanks.

Creatures that are good incarnate don't have any evil in their past (heh, in theory) so no disturbing glimpses show up when you look upon them. At least, that's what I was thinking, but evidently failed to communicate clearly.

Azmahel wrote:


Ferryman's Toll

I was impressed with this one. It's got a nice flavor and a really tight theme. I don't have much to add to what others have already mentioned. I'd say there are a few areas of style where the language could be tightened up a little, but this is all nitpicking now -- nothing worthy of a reject by any means:

- ferryman's toll's wearer: Note the missing apostrophe. Also the double possessive reads a little awkwardly here. I'd suggest just "If the wearer is dying..."
- You've got a fair amount of passive voice: i.e. is bolstered, is placed, be removed, are returned... Readability suffers when there's too much passive, so personally I'd try to convert some of those.
- I did have to read the sentence about 'archaic symbols' a couple of times before I understood it. My mind immediately went to the 'runes and wizard marks' definition of symbols, rather than the 'symbolism and representation' definition which you were going for. I can't think of a replacement word that fits well here, but changing the order of the sentence would have made it clear for me:
"Some pouches also contain animal bones, salt or scarabs, or other archaic symbols of life, death and passage..."
Nice job.


Azmahel wrote:

And now I continue with my “being the Judge” experiment. This time I will tackle page 2 of this thread.

I noticed one thing I often did in my previous review: I compiled questions about the items. I guess that is my way of evaluation. I most cases I think I know the answer to the questions, but I think the item should have answered them, not my experience with the game and it's rules.

My main focus today will be speeding up the process without loosing quality of evaluation and feedback. We will see how well I'll fare.
-----

if it doesn't use up the Arms slot it should have been listed as Slot : –
After all they are just healing potion-hand-grenades.
The sanctuary effect is nice, but not enough to make it interesting enough to be a keeper.
This is a good case of “nice but not more”.

Azmahel, thanks for taking the time to look at my Bracers of Desperate Measures. As always, I appreciate the feedback! I did mistakenly list them as an Arms slot. I guess in the new Core book, they would technically be a Hands item. Though if you look at the Necklace of Fireballs listing, they are listed as a Neck slot item but they don't count as an item worn around the neck when it for the purpose of determining which of a character's magic items is effective. It seems to be an allowed feature of an item.

Perhaps the hands slot is a different matter entirely, but I don't see how my item is mechanically wrong. I'm still thinking that it was simply missing the 'wow' factor the judges were looking for. If I need to relearn the rules, that is one thing, if I need to up my creativity, that is another. Thanks again!!


Like Mike Kimmel's "Cloth of the Blind Crusader", my item was one of those blindfolds that grant special sight.

Eyes of the Duergar Prospector

Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot eyes; Price 5,200 gp; Weight —

Description
When these jet black spheres are placed over the eyes (or eye sockets) of a subject, the spheres instantly become the subjects eyes. The subject’s normal vision is blinded permanently; however it gains Darkvision 120, Light Sensitivity, and an innate sense for the exact locations of precious metals. This sense allows the subject to see precious metals as though using Blindsight. This can penetrate barriers, but 1 foot of stone, 1 inch of common metal, a thin sheet of lead, or 3 feet of wood or dirt blocks it.

The Eyes can be removed, however magic is required to remove the blinded condition.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Alter Self, Locate Object; Cost 2,600 gp
EDIT - The actual description was worded a little better, but I don't have access to the original right now.

I read one of the judges saying something to the effect of "darkvision is treated as normal vision by most groups". So I suspect my item was treated as goggles of night, with a twist of ring of X-ray vision.

Anyone else submit a blindfold that grants sight? Any thoughts?

PS - I think I may have some writing/game design talent, but items are one of my weakest areas. PRG Superstar is great practice, but I would probably do better if it started with monster or encounter design first. Then again, I'm pretty amazed at the quality of what folks have submitted, and can say that I was "beaten by the best". And there is no shame in that.


James Thomas wrote:
Aren't nearly all wondrous items "spells in a can" of one kind or another?

No, not even close. As examples from the Core Rulebook, we have:

  • feather tokens
  • silversheen
  • pearls of power
  • phylactery of faithfulness
  • handy haversack
  • efficient quiver
  • dust of dryness
  • dust of tracelessness

    And so on. Those are just from the first column of the first page of the wondrous item charts.

  • Star Voter Season 9

    Zombieneighbours wrote:
    Eye of Thrice-Returned Malice

    Ignoring for a moment that spell turning exists (as others have already mentioned) I like this one. It's tight and focused, with solid mechanics (although you probably need to cover what happens when an eye reflects to another eye). And the flavor fits well (plus I have a new word in my vocabulary: "apotropaic"). Thanks.

    Star Voter Season 9

    Sebastian wrote:
    Mantid Sac

    Great writing. Great flavor. I loved this one.

    Arguably strays into 'gonzo for gonzo's sake' territory?
    Arguably strays into 'this is a monster not a wondrous item' territory?

    Dark Archive RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 9

    cwslyclgh wrote:
    Darkjoy wrote:
    James Thomas wrote:


    Is design work really "up this year"? What makes you say that Darkjoy?

    The two shiny contracts that I've received this year, so compared to January 2009 I am up 100%.

    There is still paid work out there, RPG superstar is great fun, but it is not the only game in town......

    So query those publishers!

    Indeed, anybody who is serious about wanting to write rpg related material shouldn't be looking at this contest as the only way to break in... just like any other sort of writing you need to be out there "pounding the pavement" (so to speak) getting yourself out there and looking for companies that need or are simply open to submissions and get to sending those query letters!

    That's very encouraging, cwslyclgh! I've got a few ideas, but can you give me some leads? Who's accepting right now?

    Since this is off topic for this thread, please email me: thomasjam05 at earthlink dot net

    Dark Archive

    Wicht wrote:
    Draeke Raefel wrote:


    I wasn't going to chime in on this, however, it seems like people are forgetting one of the basic tenents of a wondrous item. If it breaks the rules, it is probably a wondrous item. And it does break the rules. Go ahead and tell me, based on the wand rules in the Core book, how you would replicate his item?

    If it uses the feat, Craft Wands, then it is not a wondrous item, it is a wand. It might be a broken wand that doesn't follow the rules, but just because it breaks the rules does not make it a wondrous item.

    I'm pretty sure anytime the judges have to decide if your submission is actually a wondrous item you are in trouble from the get go.

    Like I said, I wasn't commenting on the rest of the item. If he got the feats wrong *shrug*. The item he described was not a wand. If the item were to end up in a book of magic items, it would be classified as a wondrous item. I don't think craft wand should have been a prereq, but that is a different quibble than stating it isn't a wondrous item as described. I'm just saying that it isn't a wand as per pathfinder rules and so it would fit into the wondrous item category( as that is a catch all for items that don't fit in any of the other categories ).


    Azmahel wrote:

    Below are the results of the first part of an experiment I like to call “being the Judge”.

    Circle Medallion

    An amulet made for communication with other bearers of the same amulet ? Nothing new here.

    Thank you for the honest feedback and for taking the time to do so.

    You raise the obvious point, but the strange thing is in all my years of playing and DMing DnD, I've never, ever seen an item this simple, and this useful, actually published in a main book or supplement (Dragon etc. I'm not counting as its too easy to miss things from there, so if it has been done before, apologies). The fact I had to go and specifically create it for a campaign a couple of years back surprised me.

    Admittedly, the 'real' version I first created is a proper guild item, tied into 3.5 guild progression rules, which unfortunately meant it wouldn't qualify in this competition and would be a nightmare to condense to 300 words.

    For me, this is a first time entry, as much about trying to get it 'right' in terms of mechanics and feel as going for something overly bombastic. I think I'll start working on next years entry now, refine the craft as I go.

    Once again, thank you.

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