to put it simply...my friends suckon many levels but I can't seem to tell them this, to add insult to injury I am holding a GINORMOUS secret for one of them, that could f*** up their future for the next 5 or so years, and regardless of how s****y he is (and believe me this guy is an unfathomly horrible friend and person in general) I care about him enough not to do this, rgardless of whether he is deserving of my friendship or not. and it kills to know this.
but, I have noidea how to just say **** off! and get on with my life.
I know I am one of the best friends you could ask for, but I am just wasting my time trying to help people who are too stupid and immature to realize what a great friend they have and it is driving me insane.
what am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!???!
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to put it simply...my friends suckon many levels but I can't seem to tell them this, to add insult to injury I am holding a GINORMOUS secret for one of them, that could f*** up their future for the next 5 or so years, and regardless of how s****y he is (and believe me this guy is an unfathomly horrible friend and person in general) I care about him enough not to do this, rgardless of whether he is deserving of my friendship or not. and it kills to know this.
but, I have noidea how to just say **** off! and get on with my life.
I know I am one of the best friends you could ask for, but I am just wasting my time trying to help people who are too stupid and immature to realize what a great friend they have and it is driving me insane.what am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!???!
Interesting dilemma.
Personally, I focus on the people that matter and don't spend too much time with people whom I consider 'unfathomably horrible'. Life is too short to waste on people who really don't want to do the best by the people around them.
You shouldn't really keep secrets from anyone, especially important ones. Its your call though, would he be better knowing the truth or not?
Sometimes it takes people a time to appreciate the people around them. He might require some time to mature and come to realise the importance of good friends. May be you're writing him off when he just needs time to appreciate you more.
Still, he could be like that for the rest of his life.
If the relationship is causing you stress, distance yourself from the person. You could do this gradually or make it a quick break. No use being in a relationship with someone who is only bringing you pain. However, have you spoken to him about your grievances? Some honest communication can a long way to improving your friendship.
Friendships can be delicate and difficult, but you may as well take a chance and speak with the person. What do you have to lose?
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Don't take this the wrong way as it is just a bit of personal philosophy and not a statement about you (since I don't know you at all), but here is how i look at things:
A person's friends are a direct reflection on that person. People tend to form personal relationships with people of similar world views. Think about it: would you buy a car from someone you knew hung out with criminals or otherwise dishonest/untrustworthy people? If I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Hey, all my friends are waste-or-space, oxygen-pirate, douchenozzels," it might make me wonder what that makes me. Do they think I suck as much as I think they suck? And if I'm the one bright and shining star among and bunch of degenerates, how long until they rub off on me and I'm no better a person than they?
That being said, you're not responsible for your friends' actions. Although if I had a friend that did something that required me to keep some big, nasty-dirty secret, I'd probably re-evaluate whether or not this was someone I needed to continue to be friends with. That doesn't mean you have to blab their secret, but maybe you start cutting ties with them.
-Skeld
I believe he was keeping the secret for his "friend" not from him.
Personally, once I realize a friend of mine is not someone I want to associate with my solution is to, surprisingly enough, not associate with them.
Interesting dilemma.
Personally, I focus on the people that matter and don't spend too much time with people whom I consider 'unfathomably horrible'. Life is too short to waste on people who really don't want to do the best by the people around them.
You shouldn't really keep secrets from anyone, especially important ones. Its your call though, would he be better knowing the truth or not?
Sometimes it takes people a time to appreciate the people around them. He might require some time to mature and come to realise the importance of good friends. May be you're writing him off when he just needs time to appreciate you more.
Still, he could be like that for the rest of his life.
If the relationship is causing you stress, distance yourself from the person. You could do this gradually or make it a quick break. No use being in a relationship with someone who is only bringing you pain. However, have you spoken to him about your grievances? Some honest communication can a long way to improving your friendship.
Friendships can be delicate and difficult, but you may as well take a chance and speak with the person. What do you have to lose?
Well, there is a part of me that feels the need to reach out to him and help with whatever troubles him, but at the same time I get the sense that he hasn't matured emotionally at all since he was 6 or 7 and I feel obligated to figure out why, and help him grow as a person, since some of my friends helped me become the person I am today, which i'm immensely thankful for. but I can't get through to him, he has been seriously damaged and because of that he cannot mature which is sad, but if he's going to hit "maturity" he's gonna do this on his own time, because I've run out of patience
Don't take this the wrong way as it is just a bit of personal philosophy and not a statement about you (since I don't know you at all), but here is how i look at things:
A person's friends are a direct reflection on that person. People tend to form personal relationships with people of similar world views. Think about it: would you buy a car from someone you knew hung out with criminals or otherwise dishonest/untrustworthy people? If I woke up one day and thought to myself, "Hey, all my friends are waste-or-space, oxygen-pirate, douchenozzels," it might make me wonder what that makes me. Do they think I suck as much as I think they suck? And if I'm the one bright and shining star among and bunch of degenerates, how long until they rub off on me and I'm no better a person than they?
That being said, you're not responsible for your friends' actions. Although if I had a friend that did something that required me to keep some big, nasty-dirty secret, I'd probably re-evaluate whether or not this was someone I needed to continue to be friends with. That doesn't mean you have to blab their secret, but maybe you start cutting ties with them.
-Skeld
hmm...interesting, maybe you're right
thanks for the insight :DI believe he was keeping the secret for his "friend" not from him.
Personally, once I realize a friend of mine is not someone I want to associate with my solution is to, surprisingly enough, not associate with them
much easier said than done, because our friendship started from me hating him...then he sorta grew on me and we became friends, and now I feel like our "friendship" is going back to square one. so I'll see what happens, really evaluate things and decide if I should sever ties with him and go find an actual friend
and yes I am keeping a secret for him
A person's friends are a direct reflection on that person. People tend to form personal relationships with people of similar world views.
While those whom you call friends (and those who call you friend) certainly effect how others perceive you, I'm not firmly in the "birds of a feather" camp.
My question is: You (Azhagal) call them your friends, but do they really fit the actual definition of friend? Did you meet them and determine that they would be nifty people to know? Or are you all just acquaintances that bumped into each other via happenstance/work/hobbies/other acquaintances and then continued to remain in touch?
If they are not true friends, then by all means, prune them off your social network. You don't have to be mean or direct about it. Just find reasons not to spend any time or communicate with them, especially if they hold no position of power over you (like a boss). Eventually, they'll get the hint and you'll all get out of the habit of spending time together.
As for the "big secret," unless he has done/is actively doing something pretty bad to someone innocent, my advice is to just let it go and forget it. If you carry this awful secret, you also carry some measure of power over them. I don't know this person, but I imagine I wouldn't want any social connection with this person, and that includes any carrying his secret. You have the final decision on what you carry in your head; life is too short to willingly infect yourself with another's poisoness negativity.
Now, if this secret is that he is hurting someone else (cheating on someone, injuring another, killed someone, is an active skinhead, etc.), then I'd spill it.
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I am a firm believer that friends tick by their friends even if the friend does not deserve it. Sometimes you are the only thing they have left going for them and they need someone. HOWEVER, you also can't loose touch with yourself or you will eventually not only truly fail at being their friend you will fail at helping yourself.
So when a situation like that comes up, and it has in the past, I do add some distance. A chance for me to recharge my batteries, prepare myself and then I can be more active after a bit.
That doesn't mean I shut them out, I just don't see them as often or as long when I do. When I do see them it is just like normal. But the time away lets me recover.
I also have found that the time I needed often either gives them a chance to ponder things as well, or allows them the opportunity to reach out to others (which is great cause sometimes you need a group to be the support). Sometimes the others reached out to are the wrong type of people but I can't do everything for the friend.
Even if they choose a path you cannot follow, you can still be available some day if they want to come back.
to put it simply...my friends suckon many levels but I can't seem to tell them this, to add insult to injury I am holding a GINORMOUS secret for one of them, that could f*** up their future for the next 5 or so years, and regardless of how s****y he is (and believe me this guy is an unfathomly horrible friend and person in general) I care about him enough not to do this, rgardless of whether he is deserving of my friendship or not. and it kills to know this.
but, I have noidea how to just say **** off! and get on with my life.
I know I am one of the best friends you could ask for, but I am just wasting my time trying to help people who are too stupid and immature to realize what a great friend they have and it is driving me insane.what am I going to do?!?!?!?!?!???!
If the friend has a severe personality disorder then there's not much you can do to help them, and they will pull you and anyone else along their downward spiral... for some such behavioral disorders, 10 years of consistent outpatient counseling and therapy usually does the trick.
I say distance yourself via other engagements... community work, overtime, etc. Eventually you drift away and engage with other friends.