Is there really no one/nothing in life that you are willing to live for?
If you think that life has no meaning, visit a cemetery today--soldiers who died gave meaning to their deaths by doing something important--defending their loved ones/homeland, opposing evil, trying to bring peace to the world.
You say that you aren't concerned about the afterlife, and imply that if hell exists, you have set yourself up to go there. But consider this--as terrible as life can be at times, hell is unending misery with no hope of relief or escape. If you are willing to consider the possibility that hell exists, why would you risk trading an unhappy mortal life for a truly awful eternity?
If you are willing to consider the possibility that heaven exists, I'd point you in that direction. It is true that God hates evil, but He made you and loves you--loves you enough to have sent his son Jesus to suffer the punishment your evil deeds deserve. Jesus rose from the dead so he can forgive you--forgive anything and everything you have done. He opens heaven to you, if you will take his outstretched hand.
Most of us find our personal value through relationships--the love and approval of parents, friends, lovers. When such love is absent, we can feel like we're a 'waste of space.' But even when humans screw you over, Jesus loves you--you have value because God wants you in a loving relationship with himself.
Don't walk away from a love that can fill the emptiness in your heart and give your days value.
EDIT:: QXL99 jumped in while I was typing. All you's, your's, and such are directed at Welcoming Death. /EDIT::
I've just woken from a critical failure of an attempt at sleep, so I am a bit fuzzier than even normal...
If I am reading your post correctly, are you asking for advice on how to commit suicide?
If that is the case, I have to tell you that you won't get that here. It has nothing to do with you, or the choices you are making, nor what any one might think of it. Paizo is based in the US, and in the US the act is illegal. I do not think anyone here will put Paizo at risk by giving you advice on how to commit a crime.
Before I continue, I have to explain that I am a jaded, cynical, son of a b%@$#. I'm snarky and angry. In short, I'm an a~+&!%~.
I'm not trying to make any excuses for myself.
I'm trying to warn you that what I am about to ask is likely to come across like I'm trying to be a prick.
I'm not.
But I am not socially graceful enough to come up with a better way of asking.
So know that I am not trying to belittle you, or your decision, or what you are going through.
Is your reason only that you think you are a waste?
I ask, because the times I considered suicide there was more to it. But I haven't thought like that for quite a few years now, so I might be missing something. Thinking back on those I've talked to that were thinking of it, and especially those that tried, there was more to it.
More hate. More anger. More despair.
Is there more to it?
I'm just looking for a yes or no answer. You don't need to share details you aren't willing to. But if you would, it would help me get an idea of what you are going through.
So, when you are ready, let me know. Call me a douchebag. Whatever. And we will go from there.
Senior Software Developer
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I just got off the phone with the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, and because of your anonymity, they can't help me help you. So you're going to have to do it yourself: Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) right now. You might get put on hold for 30 seconds, but please just wait, someone will be there on the line.
A fine use for "justification of space" is to give your frienship to somebody else. Makes you quite useful and making other people happy is a good way to feel better about yourself. An easy way to do it is to post here. You see, its a very friendly place in there is always people on the lookout for new friends.
Join us and take Gary's advice -please-!
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16
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I read quite a bit in your post about your plans and methods for carrying out suicide. However, one thing that I couldn't find (please forgive me if I just missed it) is reasoning for why you find yourself thinking about/attempting suicide.
I understand if you prefer not to talk about it, but the fact that you have posted here at all (even anonymously) makes me think that you are looking for some dialogue. Therefore, let me ask: Why is it that you are attempting to do this? I want to help, but without knowing more about your situation, that will be difficult.
That said, I would also reiterate Gary's suggestion. Please call the hotline. I think we all would like to hear back from you soon.
For everyone, there is some reason to live. Please, listen to Gary. Paizo is a caring community, and more importantly, the world is a caring community. There is always a reason to live. Please make the call.
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The fact you even posted your intention here on Paizo suggests that you want help. You only make more problems by attempting suicide. You need to make that call. All these people you don't even know are trying to help, don't let them down. Don't let yourself down. Make the call and live a long and happy life.
No one is a waste of space. Everyone is important. No matter what, there are people who care about you and will miss you.
P.S. - If you think you are that much of a waste, then volunteer somewhere first. Look around and ask "What can I do to make this world a better place?" and then do something about it. Find someone who needs a friend and BE their friend. Hell, the local Humane Society could use your help and those animals want to be loved and needed. ~smiles at my dog~ There is plenty that you can do that helps this world and there are plenty of people who want you around. The Paizo community is just one of those groups.
whew; I didnt know if this was a joke like Monty Python or to call the police an say; hey; some guy I value is posting he wants to cancel his XMAS and all the rest.
I am trying to hard to think of something encouraging to say, but not doing very well. Life is all perspective; whatever you desire good or bad; that is what you get; best I can think of is to listen to some Abraham tapes.
I could tell you about my life; had some suckage to the max; but things are great now and getting better; little bit all the time. All I did was look for something to enjoy doing and things got better.
I am sorry to talk about myself; I know you need someone who can listen and encourage; I suck at it; but am trying.
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As someone who's suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts/actions, I say: Wth stop.
It may seem easiest to just end it all and go to sleep, but there are people that can help you. Call someone, anyone, and talk to them. Explain how you are trying to kill yourself, just as you did here. The simple act of telling people about it means that you aren't that far gone. Go play a video game or go for a walk while you're waiting for someone to come.
Often, you want to kill yourself because people will care about you more then, but you don't want to be embarrassed by telling people before you die.
Your body wants to live, and it won't let you destroy it with smoke or pills.
If you're in the military, which I assume you are, then call up people you knew there. People in the military have a much higher chance of getting PTSD, depression, and/or suicidal. Most senior officers have experience with this kind of thing. No matter what you've done, you shouldn't die for it.
Edit, after reading other posts: If you have a pet, pet them, hold them. If you don't, go to the humane society or just walk out in the street and look for one to pet (or if not in a town/city, then just go running or something). In my experience, pets are an awesome way to keep living. When you're holding them, you know that they need you. Would you want to kill them?
Sometimes even when you think that there is no one who would miss you or would be effected if you weren't there, you can be totally blind to the people who are there. Reach out for help. make a phone call. Talk to someone you know. Reaching out over the computer is better than nothing, but please, take the next step.
One of my two best friends in high school committed suicide while we were in college - in different states, and so I wasn't there for her when her life spiraled out of control. For years afterward, just thinking about it for a couple of minutes could spiral me into a deep depression. It's been twenty years now, and it still can.
I worked with a man at a retail store after college. One of his family members, that he had been estranged from for a couple of years at the time, committed suicide. This man was so badly affected by it that he started drinking. He was an alcoholic for ten years after that before starting to pull himself together, getting off the streets, and getting that retail job where I met him. We talked often about how the loss of these people in our lives had affected us.
Your life has touched people more than you know - often, you've touched people you don't even realize. People care about you. All I know about you so far is that you're hurting very badly, and I care about you. I want for you to be okay. Not for me, but for you, because I know what it's like to hurt so badly that you just can't stand to be stuck inside yourself for one more moment.
Look at the responses so far in this thread. All of us here would be deeply affected if we were to think that after calling out for help here, you'd gone off and ended things. Please don't think that you have to be alone in this.
Call the hotline number that Gary listed in his post. Call someone you know. Don't be alone with your thoughts. And if it helps you, please keep talking to us here. But please, no matter what, don't give up on yourself.
Wow, I'm really sorry that life has led you to contemplate the ultimate door shutting WD, my heart goes out to you.
I really don't have much else to add to the excellent advice others have given you, just remember that suicide is the undoable option. Once you commit to it and succeed, you can't say 'do over!'. Death is final and no one can say what is beyond that Veil. All you leave behind are the friends and family who love you, and who will suffer with the guilt that they didn't see this coming and help you.
There will never be an option to improve after this step, WD. There will never be any more of the joys that you have experienced, never looking into the eyes of a loved one, seeing your children grow, enjoying a twilight summer day, petting a cat or dog. You lose the option to help others.
A wise man once said, 'no man is an island'. Your life, and your death, impact those around you, for good or ill. On this day, when we remember those who sacrificed their lives to protect us, it is a good time to realize how precious a life is, even when it has sorrow interspersed with it.
I wish you the best WD, and I hope that you will back away from the Abyss. Your ending will create a hole in the fabric of Life, and that is never a good thing. Stay strong, look to the happy things that define your existance and find a reason to delay the Final Descision.
Patrick, in about 100 years all those reasons will be gone.
But why cheat yourself of the enjoyment of the good aspects of life? You might be in a bad place now, but things always improve. A good portion of life is struggle and pain, but another part of it is enjoyment and happiness. There's never all of one or the other.
I'm only quoting one part of your post since it was directed towards me specifically.
To Disenchanter, no... being a waste isn't my only reason. I could and would go into detail.. but it might touch base on some other conversations and then would ofcourse lead to whom I am. That is unacceptable.
I can respect that. I wasn't trying to pry. It is just really hard to have a discussion with you on the topic without having some baseline to work with. I'll have to ask forgiveness ahead of time if I make a stupid assumption then.
You can't be too awful selfish. You're trying to get your car out of impound for the benefit of your ex-wife, on top of other reasons. You are reluctant to go the gun route to spare a family member/other loved one from discovering you that way. Even going so far as to consider driving out where no one you know would be the one to find you. I never thought it through that much. I never could get past the problem of not finding a method I was comfortable with, that I also knew that the animal part of me wouldn't prevent somehow. I'd say you are less selfish than me. Not that that means anything.
Why did you join the military? That can be rhetorical, if you like. If it wasn't solely for the financial reasons, which I am led to believe are a bit of a scam, then there is another clue that you may not be as selfish as you lead us to believe.
Is it that you don't realise this yourself? Or are you trying to paint yourself as a worse person than you really are?
You mentioned in your first post that doctors should assist. I certainly agree with the concept. But I get the impression most doctors wouldn't. I've only known one doctor really well, so I'm basing this off of nearly pure speculation. But I would think that the kind of person that becomes a good doctor wouldn't help unless the patient - in this case - was already terminally ill. But what the hell do I know, when we get down to it?
Well, you mentioned you would go into detail if it wouldn't reveal who you are. If you would like, drop me an email. Let me know if you want to keep the conversation private, or if I can - or should - respond to you here.
The address is prestoragu AT gmail DOT com. After the first contact, I'm willing to give you a less spam address if you would rather. I'm not comfortable putting my more personal addresses in a public forum.
And you didn't even cuss me out. I would have thought anyone would jump at the invitation... :-)
I'd suggest Major League, myself.
Military to get away? Couldn't hack it? That boggles my mind. I'm just not lawful enough I guess, but I can't imagine the military would be a useful vessel to get away from not being able to handle civilian life...
WD, all I can do is wish you the best and put you in my prayers. If you want to talk, my e-mail is...
...and we can talk. I am more than willing to give you my cell number.
I'm worried about passing on some of my issues to others... best idea would to be take myself out of that equation.
Problem is dude, if you have kids, your actions affect them for life, whether or not you are there.
If you don't trust yourself to be a nurturing father, then even if you live across the country you can call the kids to say, 'Hey, Daddy loves you.' Perhaps you will find the right thing to rekindle your happiness, and you can be a positive influence on your kids.
Kids whose parents commit suicide grow up blaming themselves. I know, my ex-wife's father killed himself, and it was a real big issue with her. Often times they inherit the genetic predisposition for depression and your example will always be in the forefront of their minds ...
If you can't live for yourself, live for your family. Try being strong for them, even if you don't feel you can live with them.
I see. I misunderstood.
What does borderline personality disorder mean? If it is what I think it might mean, I can't think of anyone I am in regular contact with not having it...
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30,000 Leagues Under The Sea or Major League
Both are coming on in ten minutes. Can't decide which one to watch.
Major League.
It sounds like you could use a laugh. Dude I know it's hard, I was in the same place you were about 12 or 13 yrs ago. Things do get better, I know it doesn't seem it but they do. Look you've got a whole world of people out here who don't even know you on your side. No matter how alone you think you are, no matter how bad you think it is, what you are considering is not the answer. If'n you want you can drop me an E-mail at Moorluck@aol.com, I'll give you my number, call me any freakin time of day or night, for anything, I don't care. I mean anything I can do to help I will do my best. Life gets better, I've seen men die, I've seen bombs go off in village squares, if I can find a reason to go on, to keep on showing the world I will not let it get the better of me then I know you can. We're here for you.
Kirk M Moore
Okay, according to wikipedia borderline personality disorder is a bit more severe than what my friends have. So I guess they have borderline borderline personality disorder.
It sounds like you have more than one child, am I reading that right?
Can you say how many?
