Venting because I need to.


Off-Topic Discussions


I haven't been around in a long while. Life these past couple months have been the worst in my life. I've pretty much ruined my own exsistence. Thankfully, I believe it can be fixed and so I'm positive about the future.

Some of you guys might remember my wife that was near death last summer while pregnant. (Thanks again Cosmo for hooking me up with some pdfs to read at the hospital!) Well, our very healthy baby boy was born December 1st. It was an amazing birth. She was such a strong trooper.. no screaming.. no cussing... just pure beauty. It was wonderful.

She left me on the 11th of December. Now, I'm not complaining about a situation I caused. Yes. I caused it. Part of my growth is admitting my faults. The cool stuff since is that our son is in the 95% for height but in the 10% for head size. Although at two months he had the intelligence (i don't know how they check) and response as a four month old. Awesome.

But yeah... We're getting a divorce and it sucks. She still loves me. I still love her. We steal moments away together and actually just had an amazing date night last night. We just can't be husband and wife at the moment. She and I are both working on ourselves. Maybe we'll get back together... but this is really hard. She is the most amazing person I've ever known.. and I hate this.. and myself for the situation I created. I am looking forward to my... oh six months of pathfinder goodies... it will help me escape. Although I shouldn't. I just don't think I can take it all at once right now.

I'm venting to you guys because... hey.. we're sorta a community here. You guys were supportive when I needed it before. I don't have a lot of people I feel I can talk to. Part of the problem is my family doesn't really discuss feelings.. a habit I am trying to break as it cause a lot of my personal downfalls. Granted.. I can't change them. So, I still can't get them to talk even though I need to. I have a lady I talk to occasionaly and she offers some thought and support.. but we're still in that... first odd courting sessions. Nothing really comes out of it.. other than a bill. Hah!

To the people out there in Paizo land... my question is this really;

Things that have become habits created throughout your life. Kneejerk reactions and character flaws... can these things be changed? Can someone change the way they react to situations over time? Is it possible to learn healthy positive ways to deal when you're near thirty and have never had any model to immulate in your life?

I'm not all bad. These are just the things I'm focusing on right now. My wife is my biggest fan and my hardest critic. I'm just looking to vent.. thanks for reading.


Pathfinder Adventure, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Heck yes it's possible to change, Paul. If you're self aware enough to realize that you have character flaws, then you can do something about it.

There are quite a few ways to go about it, but for my money, you can't beat therapy. It is very difficult to remain objective about your life. Having a context-neutral third party assist you can be invaluable. If you are not used to opening up to people (you had mentioned coming from a family that isn't used to talking about issues), then a therapist can help you there, too. Some things are too important not to bring in a professional. If money is an issue, there are many therapists who work on a sliding scale (I managed to afford one while working in California, on minimum wage, for example).

I wish you the very best of luck. You have a son, a wife that loves you (and therefore a friend), and the awareness to know that there is something about you that you don't like and want to change. I'm positive that you can manage that change!


First up, if you want your wife back, stop dating other women. ;)

But really, many of my creative works revolve around the theme of personal reinvention. It is indeed possible Paul. I've devoted myself to the idea.

I used to be... someone very different. I used what Anthony Robbins called 'pattern interrupts' to stop myself from thinking negatively and destructively and I have to say I went from maniac to nice guy in under a year. That was 16 years ago. It stuck. I'm not a self-help guy with a bookshelf full of parachute books, but if you understand a bit about how the brain works, you can reprogram it to a degree.

I used to be a nightmare. Now I'm just harmlessly annoying. That is such a step up.

If you'd like to have a back and forth on this, I'd be able to go into greater detail, please feel free to write to me at ronebarton@gmail.com. I'm sure I could benefit from your insights as well.


I shot you an email.

What I meant about seeing someone is I'm talking to a therapist. She is the one that is trying to help thus far.

My wife says that one of my problems (which stems from not having a lot of self-value due to how I was treated etc... ) is that I do bare minimum. I'm trying to show her that I'm doing everything I can think of.

As far as getting her back... there isn't a chance for getting back together any time soon. She has a lot she has to get past with me and us, plus her family is pushing her for certain things as well.

Thanks for the words of encouragement though. They are well receieved. Just needed to know it's possible.


Sorry about your situation. Therapy helps but it also takes time. As do life changes. If you have a lot of issues to address it's good to identify them accurately with a therapist. Fixing them is harder. You can't do them all at once without running the risk of overwhelming yourself, then giving up.

Concentrate on your successes as you go, moreso than the stumbles.

Good luck.

The Exchange

Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Paul Ackerman 70 wrote:
Things that have become habits created throughout your life. Kneejerk reactions and character flaws... can these things be changed? Can someone change the way they react to situations over time? Is it possible to learn healthy positive ways to deal when you're near thirty and have never had any model to immulate in your life?

The fact that you have the foresight to even ASK the question means that the answer is a completely 100% YES. Step one to any sort of resolution is recognizing there is a problem. Step two is admitting to it. Step three is deciding to do something about it. Sounds like you have that already. My personal approach to life has always been to "lay it on the table." Let your friends, family, and special lady know your shortcomings up front. No hiding it, no rationalizing it, just a flat-out "Look - I have this issue right here. I'm not trying to excuse it. Not trying to explain it. I'm trying to change it. I need your understanding, your support, and your help to do so."

Paul Ackerman 70 wrote:
I'm not all bad. These are just the things I'm focusing on right now. My wife is my biggest fan and my hardest critic. I'm just looking to vent.. thanks for reading.

Always here for you. Vent away.


I absolutely believe that someone can change if they truly want to, no matter what age they are. There is no point at which it's too late, although there are certainly still the consequences of previous behavior to deal with. And it's a good thing I do believe that, because I've gotten called out often enough myself on things that I do that make my husband crazy. Relationships are not an easy thing and take a whole lot of WORK. You've said that you're willing to do that work so you're already heading in the right direction. Good luck on working things out, and know that there's always people here willing to listen.


The only thing that is constant is change. Why should humans be any different? I believe change is possible but difficult.

One thing I find important is forgiving myself for my mistakes. I am not perfect and I am never going to be perfect. I often use my inability to be perfect as a crutch. It can paralyze me.

And here I go projecting. Just make sure you do not do the same thing I do and remember to forgive yourself.


Paul Ackerman 70 wrote:

I shot you an email.

What I meant about seeing someone is I'm talking to a therapist. She is the one that is trying to help thus far.

My wife says that one of my problems (which stems from not having a lot of self-value due to how I was treated etc... ) is that I do bare minimum. I'm trying to show her that I'm doing everything I can think of.

As far as getting her back... there isn't a chance for getting back together any time soon. She has a lot she has to get past with me and us, plus her family is pushing her for certain things as well.

Thanks for the words of encouragement though. They are well receieved. Just needed to know it's possible.

I'm of the others' opinions here - you are already doing a lot of both the fundamental and the most difficult parts in improving from "not communicating" and "doing the bare minimum to get by on" to however much above this you wish to achieve. You CAN do it - therapy helps a LOT, make no mistake. :) It will take time and serious commitment from you to yourself, your wife and your child to make this work.

And hey, we're here for you. You're slated on the Pawfinder antagonist roster, unless you want to be a pre-generated player character. ^_^

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