Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon


Round 3: Create a villain stat block

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon Male Dwarf Expert2/Monk 13

Description:
Jeroim is the very portrait of a cultured merchant. His silver hair always drawn back into a flawless ponytail, his beard, a neatly trimmed goatee. His handsome face seems chiseled from granite, accented by an aquiline nose that leads to eyes of almost crystalline grey. It is the eyes that give pause, cold and hard, his gaze bores into the souls of those who dare to meet it.
Broad-shouldered and powerfully built, his well muscled frame refuses to be concealed by the elegant and expensive silks that drape it.

Motivations/Goals:
Jeroim had the misfortune of being born a dwarf. Suffocating under the constraints of a society that valued devotion to the clan over the drive and brilliance of the individual, he left his home after betraying his mining party to a Kobold encampment, collapsing the mine in exchange for a percentage of the future ore revenues, and faking his own death in the process.
Travelling the subterranean tunnels his destiny manifested in the form of the Ancient blue dragon Braxulthis. In the young dwarf, the wise dragon saw greed of draconic proportions, and a total absence of conscience. He saw the soul of a dragon. For one hundred years, Jeroim studied with his new Master. One hundred years to learn the Way of the Dragon. His body and mind made into the perfect weapons, the arts and philosophies of manipulation, intimidation, and blackmail mastered, all wrapped in a binding of iron discipline.
Showing more promise than any of the whelps Braxulthis sired over the centuries, Jeroim has now set himself up as a respected merchant Lord, his diverse business ventures serving as a flawless screen for a brutal and ruthlessly expanding criminal empire.
Perhaps the greatest and most terrifying philosophy he has put into practice is that of The Hoard. Every employee and contact, every underling and sycophant, from the corrupt officials and dark clerics to the hapless adventurers and drug addled wizards he manipulates; every man woman and beast his organization touches are part of his hoard. Assets; tools to be used in the hoard’s expansion, or weapons to be used in its defense; discarded when their usefulness is at an end.

Silver tarnishes, gold is soft;
Only diamond is perfect, diamond endures forever.
– Mantra of the Diamond Dragon

Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks:
The PC’s are hired to eliminate bandits in the mountain passes by a rich merchant. The bandits are soon replaced by a far more organized and elusive outfit.

The PC’s obtain information leading to the local thieves’ guild hideout only to find its members butchered, their bodies broken and battered, in some cases torn limb from limb, seemingly with bare hands. The only thing of value left sits on the corpse of the leader, a small diamond statuette of a dragon.
*DM note, a predominantly evil party could be the ones sent to eliminate the bandits with full knowledge of setting up replacements.

Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon CR 15 LE Medium Humanoid
Init +5 [+1 Dex, +4 Improved]; Senses Darkvision 60ft, ; Perception +13 (+15 taste, touch or to notice details in stone) see skills below

===== Defense =====
AC 22, touch 19, flat-footed 21; [+4 vs giant type, +4 for one round spending 1 ki point]
(+3 bracers, +1 Dex, +5 Wis, +3 monk bonus)
hp 102 (15d8+32[2d8 expert, +13d8 monk, +15 Con bonus points, +17 Toughness]);
Fort +9 (+11 vs magic) [+8 monk, +1 Con, (+2 racial)], Ref +9 (+11 vs magic) [+8 monk, +1 Dex, (+2 racial)] , Will +16(+18 vs magic, +20 enchantment) [+3 expert, +8 monk, +5 wisdom,(+,2 racial, +2 still mind)]
Defensive Abilities diamond body (see below), diamond soul (see below)defensive training, evasion, improved evasion, purity of body (see below) slow fall 60ft., still mind;
Immune disease, poison; SR 23

===== Offense =====
Spd 60 ft (80ft for 1 round spending 1 ki point) [20 Dwarf, +40 monk] ., Abundant step up to 640ft [400ft + 40ft/level CL6]
Melee Unarmed Strike +12 [+10 BAB, +2 Str] (2d6+2 /19-20), Full Attack +12/+7 (2d6+2 /19-20)

Special Attacks Flurry of blows +12/+12/+12/+7 (1 extra attack at +12 for 1 ki point), Hatred (+1 on attacks vs orcs & goblinoids), Ki Strike (magic, lawful)

===== Tactics =====
Before Combat If the party is no longer useful to him he will offer a “Gentleman’s Drink” of a very strong Dwarven liquor, openly being the first to drink. The rim of each glass is laced with Dragonbile contact poison; Save Fortitude DC 26 Frequency 1 round (3); Effect 3 Str damage; Cure 1 save.

Jeroim will utilize his Medallion of Thoughts to isolate those of high intelligence as potential spell-casters and pick up intelligences around the room that may be hidden or invisible, allowing himself to be aware of their existence albeit not their location. If he successfully detects the group’s surface thoughts, he readies himself (acting during any planned surprise round), and selects his targets, going after spell-casters first.

During Combat Jeroim makes use of his vastly superior mobility, going past or over frontline fighters to tear into spell casters and support characters. He makes use of his Stunning fist, Scorpion Style, and Gorgon’s Fist to disable opponents, tearing them apart in subsequent rounds.

One of his favorite tactics is to disarm spell-casters using wands, or staves, often utilizing his abundant step to then put him in a better tactical position to use these items against the more melee heavy members of the party.

His Dwarven proficiency with axes and hammers can be a surprise, and though he prefers the kill with his hands, he is not above relieving a fighter of a powerful weapon, to introduce him to its business end.

Morale If it would benefit him to leave members of the party alive, or if death is imminent, Jeroim will make a tactical retreat, using Bluff to give the impression of panic. Once he escapes he will heal himself, call upon reinforcements if available and begin stalking the party, taking them out one by one.
No one who crosses him will ever simply be allowed to walk away.

===== Statistics =====
Str 15 [13,+2 belt], Dex 12 [10,+2 belt], Con 12[8,+2 racial, +2 belt], Int 12, Wis20[15, +2 racial, +3 advancement], Cha 12 [14, -2 racial]
Base Atk +10,/+5 (+11/+6 vs. orc or goblin type)[+1 expert, +9 monk, (+1 racial)]; CMB +18 (+20 disarm) [+1 expert , +15 monk, +2 Str, (+2 Improved Disarm)]
Feats Claws of the Dragon [new feat explained in sect. 3], Combat Expertise, Deflect Arrows*, Gorgon’s Fist (DC 22)*, Improved Critical (Unarmed strike), Improved Disarm, Improved Initiative, Improved Unarmed Strike*, Leadership (Wyndham, Expert 2/Rogue3/Assassin 6 Human Cohort/Valet), Scorpion Style (DC22)*, Stunning Fist(3/day, DC 22)*, Skill Focus (Use Magic Device), Toughness.
*bonus monk feats
Skills Acrobatics +11 (+23 on jumps) [+7 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Dex (+13 high jump)] (+31 for one round spending ki points), Appraise +8 [+4 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Bluff +9 [+5 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Cha], Climb +6 [+1 rank,+3 class bonus,+2 Str], Diplomacy +10 [+6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Cha], Escape Artist +10 [+6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Dex], Intimidate +10 [+6ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Cha], Knowledge Arcana +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Knowledge History +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Knowledge Local +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Linguistics +7 [+3ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Int, Perception +13 (+15 taste, touch or to notice details in stone) [+5 ranks, +3 class bonus, +5 Wis (+2 racial), Ride +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Dex], Sense Motive +14 [+6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +5 Wis], Stealth +10 [ +6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Dex], Swim +6 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +2 Str], Use Magic Device +20 [13 ranks, +3 class bonus, +3 skill focus, +1 Cha]
Languages Common, Dwarven, Draconic, Halfling
SQ AC bonus, Flurry of blows, Ki Pool (11), Ki strike, High Jump, Wholeness of body (13 hp/ 2 ki points),
Combat Gear Wand of Lightning bolt (7d6 electricity, DC 14 reflex), Elixir of tumbling, Potion of Bull’s Strength, Potion of Haste;
Other Gear Medallion of thoughts. Bottle of Dwarven liquor, glasses (lined with Dragonbile)
Treasure Diamond signet ring in form of a dragon (1000g)

===== New Feat =====
Claws of the Dragon
Through intense training you have learned to channel your ki to the tips of your fingers, strengthening them, and allowing you to shred your enemies.
Prerequisite: Improved unarmed strike, Ki pool class feature.
Benefit: Your ki strikes can deliver slashing or piercing damage if you so choose. You can alternate between damage types in between attacks.
Normal: Unadorned unarmed strikes deliver bludgeoning damage.

Paizo Employee Director of Game Design

I like the background of Jeroim and it makes him a fun fit for a blue dragon's minion. I wish the adventure hooks were a bit more compelling though. They are just not Machiavellian enough for the sorts of schemes these two could get into.

On to the stat block, I am noticing some format errors, but nothing too significant. His hit points are off by 2 (it should be 8 + 14d8 + 15 Con + 18 Toughness for 104). Abundant Step should be listed as a special ability, not in movement. His melee attack should be listed as a full attack only, leaving out the standard attack option. Flurry of blows should be listed as an alternate melee attack option, not as an special attack. He appears to have one too many feats, but this is easily fixed. He appears to have 6 fewer skill points than he should (he should have 13x5 + 2x7).

The new feat is fine stylistically, but I do not think it is worth a feat selection. There should be some other benefit here.

All in all, if I were developing this villain for a product, I would have to do a small amount of work to get it ready to go, but nothing too extensive.

My Grade (on a 1-10 scale) is a 6.

Jason Bulmahn
Lead Designer
Paizo Publishing

The Exchange Kobold Press

1460 words is short and sweet; I'm pleased to see that some of these entries don't rely on length alone. Or maybe it's just that monks require less space than wizards.

Reviewing the text, there's some clunkers in the Concept area, like the random capitalization of "kobold" and "ancient" and "master". There's the use of an apostrophe in "PCs", which doesn't need one. There's a lot of sentence fragments lacking verbs. And some dud phrases like "collapsing the mine in exchange for a percentage " make me confident the editor has plenty of work to do here. Not a great sign.

But we're here to examine the mechanics more than the prose this round, so…

Well, actually, the text problems continue in the stat block, with random spaces inserted and missing throughout, extra commas, and it just keeps getting harder to read because the stats aren't clean.

And then we get a set of poison statistics in the Before Combat section. What is that about? New stats shouldn't be in the Tactics section at all. That's pretty much where I'm willing to stop reading and say, this isn't quite clearing the bar for professional work. A few formatting issues are one thing; not really trying to follow the style is something else.

Recommendation: Not recommended to advance.

Paizo Employee Director of Game Design

Hmm.. I had been assuming that some of the format errors were due to the web posting of the stat block, which never really works out to well, but not that I look at the template, I can see that some of these were added errors. You are right though Wolfgang, there are some strange format issues floating around in here. I also agree that stats should not go in the tactics section, but at least the new poison format is used.

Jason Bulmahn
Lead Designer
Paizo Publishing

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

OK, well you know I was let down by the diamond dragon's rather underwhelming plan to open a store after 100 years of dragon-fu! But the voters spoke and you advanced. So I cant hold that premise against you. And I wont.

Now lets see how your submission grew or advanced....

Hmm. I dont see much. Basically, all you did was modify one sentece. The rest was a cut and paste job. I'll admit I am disappointed by that.

I think it was pretty clear from the judge comments that really there were only about 3 or 4 submissions that were unanimously regarded as excellent. This wasnt one of them. I think you missed a chance to improve the concept and focus of your villain. Yes, your one sentence that you rewrote ("Showing more promise than any of the whelps Braxulthis sired over the centuries, Jeroim has now set himself up as a respected merchant Lord, his diverse business ventures serving as a flawless screen for a brutal and ruthlessly expanding criminal empire.") perhaps plays more into the mafioso vision than just a guy with a shop. But I still feel you failed to grab this opportunity to enhance and improve your villain. The other real change you made--the second scheme/plot--isnt particularly moving or compelling.

I am on the lenient side for formatting errors, but there are some real pervasive mistakes in this submission. Mistakes like that show either a lack of attention to detail or a lack of time spent at your craft. I'm wondering if the latter isnt the case, as that would also explain why there are no real changes to your villain's concept. When *I* am getting on you for punctuation and formatting errors, you know it's an issue.

Getting a second shot to fine tune your villain and add a stat block and an extra bit of rules content was, in my view, a genius call by Paizo. It can be subtly tricky and I wonder if you fell prey to its seductive simplicity. Your competitors are not going to do what you did--just tack a stat block onto an existing villain. They are going to use this chance to improve. I would say most did. And in doing so I would say they opened up the gap between their villain and yours. You either didnt take the time to do this right or you rested on your laurels and felt your core villain didnt need improving. I dont know which--but I do know this: either way, it was a mistake. The pervasive errors lead me to believe this was rushed.

I do not recommend the Diamond Dragon to advance.

Contributor

Description:
Basically the same as R2, which I liked.

Stat Block:
Some formatting errors--extra comma after darkvision, semicolon at the end of the hp and defensive abilities lines, extra comma in the BAB, magic items not italicized, and so on.

Rule Element:
While thematically appropriate, the feat is pretty weak. For most creatures, the difference between bludgeoning and slashing damage is negligible, so spending a feat to change your damage type isn't that important.

Unfortunately, this entry didn't wow me this round.

Rec: do not advance.


I would agree that perhaps the new feat could have done with something additional (fancy critical attack? increased normal damage?) to the alternate damage types, useful though being able to deal slashing or piercing damage may be against certain creatures.

I am aghast, however, at an AC of only 22 for a CR 15 (monk) villain.

Edit:
I am unclear if the 'NPC classes count for one less CR' applies in PFRPG or not; if so, it is possible Jeroim should only be CR 14, not that this makes much difference to my preference to have seen a higher AC.

Further Edit:
I think you could have made a case given his criminal empire for upping the CR by giving him 'greater than normal wealth'. (Either equipping him as if he were an NPC of higher level, or as if he were a PC, dependng on exactly what the Round 3 Rules allowed you to do; Paizo have been known to equip major villains in this manner before now...)

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16 aka amusingsn

I hate to say it, but I'm disappointed by the stat block. This character wouldn't even last even a single round against most parties a couple of levels lower -- you know, after they finally figure out he's the mastermind behind all the area's troubles and what not.

Monks are a pretty weak class, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Given their inherent weakness, I'd think you could have afforded to give him a better "special rule" to help him out.

Alas.

If I were to adjust this villain myself, I'd probably give him some better magic items -- he's a use magic device guy, so you could have gotten clever with some scrolls to make him a serious threat in a "final showdown" style battle. But leaning too heavily on magical items got me in trouble with my villain in round 3 last year, so I guess you should take that little tid bit with a grain of salt.

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

Judges, I thank you for your insightful comments and critiques. If nothing I've learned a lot this round.

To those of you who voted for Jeroim last round, I hope I can count on your vote again, especially those of you who want to see what a dragon trained monk's lair looks like.


An evil dwarf that hung out with a dragon and now is a merchant/criminal mastermind. I'll be honest, I don't like him. The whole dragon angle seems pointless. And he suffers from the "if I just say he's a mastermind, he's automatically deep" factor. And his plot hook is "he killed a thieves' guild?" Please. Sorry, there's just concepts that do it for me and ones that don't, and this is one I wouldn't use. Insult to injury in that his stats are very weak and he'd get his face melted by a level 10 party and he's CR15. 2/10

Liberty's Edge

Mark, the Dragon Diamond is cool, but he still looks well a bit lacking

I would have liked to seemore Dragon-Fu and not just a suboptimal feat...I am sure you went for the safe and the cool... safe as to not make it feel overpowered... cool... hey Ilove the Hong Kong movies where the evil guy can make you tatters with his hands, cutting you (and your clothes with every hit)

and while the judge critizise... there are lots of feats that gives abit more...

I don't know how plausible would have been... but there was in some dragon magazines and other books Combat Styles that changed the monks feats as they level up... I would have loved to see a combat style formed around the claws of a dragon... different feats and changes in the class abilities that would havesurprised the characters without using a template or too many magic items (which I would understand... he is the Hoard)

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

The concept of this villain is fine, but it doesn't have much wow. It doesn't grab you and say "This is really cool!" or "I've gotta find a way to use this guy!" The stat block and the new feat, unfortunately, are more of the same.

Congrats on making it this far, but I think the diamond dragon is about to turn back into coal. :(


Some further thoughts:
The CR is wrong. According to the information on 'Adding NPCs' on Page 291 of the Beta, Jeroim's CR should be -2 (NPC with PC class levels of some kind) for a total CR of 13.

Equipment...
The money could have been spent a LOT more effectively.
For example:

(1)
Ring of Protection +1... Cost 2000 GP
Bracers of Armour +2... Cost 4000 GP

Total 6000 GP

OR

(2)
Bracers of Armour +3... Cost 9000 GP

Total 9000 GP

Both options provide a bonus to AC of +3, but option (1) is 3000 GP cheaper than option (2). Assuming he wasn't wearing the Medallion of Thoughts I could even throw an Amulet of Natural Armour +1 onto option (1) for a further 2000 GP for a total of +4 to AC, and still come out 1000 GP cheaper than the option of buying a set of +3 bracers.

Edit:
The 'diamond ring' is more interesting to players if it's a Ring of Protection, too.

And as far as I can make out the gear value comes in substantially under that for an NPC with 15 levels using the 'heroic' value from table 14-9 on page 338.

Without even looking at the rest of the stat block, this creates an impression for me that the OP has either chosen to deliberately underpower the villain, or was rushed/inexperienced in stat block creation.

Further Edit:
I'm sad. You seem to have had a great concept for a villain here - you had one of the best entries in Round 2 in my opinion - but you have let yourself down with the technical execution in this round.
This entry is the first that I have scrutinised in any detail, but unless at least fourteen other contestants have similarly failed in their execution I do not think it likely that I will be able to give you one of my votes in this round.

RPG Superstar 2011 Top 32 aka Gamer Girrl

I liked the Diamond Dragon ... I was stumbled that this awesome sounding monk turned into a shopkeep, which made you a runner up for me last round.

This round, I don't see the monk living up to the build up. 100 years of training and he's got jack for gear, and despite all the awesome moves and possible things he'll do in combat, I see the players taking him, and not sure they'll work up that big of a sweat doing it.

This one stumbles coming off the block, sorry.

Shadow Lodge

You know,i had voted for you, but i think i have to change my vote. I like your concept, but the flaws pointed out really do not point towards a success. For a monk, he is not very monkish. And there are other more deserving villans out there. Sorry, the compotitin is just to steep.

Star Voter Season 6

Not much to say here. I wasn't wowed by this last time. The only thing to add: Remember that you can always give an NPC a PC's gear at the cost of a mere +1 CR. That's worth it for your BBEGs.


You were one of my favorites in round 2 and got one of my votes. Unfortuntely in round 3, I'm currently undecided if you are going to get another vote.

Problems:

1) AC of 22 for a 13th level monk is low.
2) I don't like the fact that someone obsessed with wealth leaves a diamond statue on his victims.
3) The new feat, while occasionally useful, is not that imaginative. As Montalve said in an above post, a new combat style would have been good. If you didn't feel that was allowed, perhaps a new Monk substitute power. Your feat was just too "safe". Another option was to give his Ki Strike an additional energy damage. He's a disciple of a blue dragon, he should have an electricity attack. Disciples of red dragons would have flaming hands, you get the idea. Just imagine Lord Jeroim's fists crackling with electric arcs as he pummels the PC's. Underground, the flurry of blows would look like a strobe light as each punch found it's target.
4) You should have made his Dex higher (more important to a Monk) and his Cha lower (he spent 100 years talking to the same person, er, dragon) He's just out of touch with humaniod customs and etiquette. More so than your average dwarf. Perhaps you increased the Charisma for a higher leadership score. I don't think it makes story sense, and I'm not sure it's necessary for your character concept.
5) His minimum starting age is 47. Add 100 years training, that makes him 147, and middle aged for a Dwarf. Middle aged modifiers don't seem to be applied. (Heroic Melee stats: 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8; Jeroim's starting stats: 15, 14, 13, 12, 10, 8) I am probably in the minority, but for my part, I would have been OK with a "high fantasy" point value using the purchase option on page 5 of the PFRPG. However, I don't think this option was used. Regardless, while adding the age modifiers would hurt his offense, it might have HELPED his defense in the form of a higher Wisdom. His low AC was a major complaint with a lot of people. Didn't David Lowery and Roguerouge point out his age as an issue in the discussion thread for round 2?

Good Stuff:

1) Good idea on disarming the wands. I'm suprised I never thought of that. Disarm (and sunder) are under-used in the games I've played.
2) The poison tactic is good, if the target doesn't know Lord Jeroim is a Monk.
3) I still like the idea of "the Hoard". But I went over that in round 2.
4) I like even more that he trained for 100 years as a monk. With a dragon. An ACTUAL dragon. Wow.

I'm on the fence with Lord Jeroim. I still have more entries to read.

On a related note:

amusingsn wrote:


Monks are a pretty weak class, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. Given their inherent weakness, I'd think you could have afforded to give him a better "special rule" to help him out.

I actually think Monks are one of the better classes. Perhaps just behind Sorcerer, and possibly Cleric. Using flurry of blows, Monks get more attacks per round than any other class. They eventually get +60 speed, which is just AWESOME. They can never be disarmed. They dont have to waste time putting on armor if attacked at night. They can't be poisoned. And they share the best ability in the game with the rogue, Improved Evasion. Fireball? What fireball? Monks KICK tail! Get it? They are Monks. They kick... never mind.

Star Voter Season 6

Jason Rice wrote:


5) His minimum starting age is 47. Add 100 years training, that makes him 147, and middle aged for a Dwarf. Middle aged modifiers don't seem to be applied.

And I brought that up as advice to the OP in last round's thread on this very character. I can't believe that I forgot to look for that. Good catch.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Steven T. Helt

Congratulations on Superstar '09 Top 16!

Growth
I haven't noticed much changed, but I gave you an honorable mention last round.Jeroim wasa pretty good villain to start with, coneptually. Your writing needed work and didn't really get it. At this point, I'm hoping a killer stat block left you little time to review your R2 stuff. We'll find out.

Mechanics
-Uh oh. Your presentation here is not very good. Weird punctuation between elements makes it harder to read.
-In addition to the strange format, your monk...well...blows. I don't see any ingenuity in your stat block at all. I see a CR 15 monk with a +12 to hit for less than ten points of damage.
-The tactics section helps a little. He's fast, he likes to disarm, and he likes to punish folks who can't fight. Can a guy who forsakes combat matzi ever be caught alone? You really focused on the mafia angle, and now I wonder if the best fights with his folks aren't with his cohort. Now I'm back wishing you'd gone with the dragon.
-Wand of lightning is his best offensive tool. That's not a good thing, to me.
-Toughness should give you 18 hp, for ana verage on 104.

New Hotness
This feat needs some extra oomph. Likeletting you do an extra point each of slashing and piercing damage. This improves the monk's output, and bypasses a rare form of DR. It also kind of mimics weapon specialization. So you get a little added benefit to your increased output, but only after you're fairly committed to the monk class.

Overall
I think the idea of Jeroim was pretty solid.But the feat is pretty weak dragon fu, and he's not exactly physically dominating like I would suspect a dwarven martial artist to be. For CR 13 or 15, he's not very challenging in combat. You were unsubtly, repeatedly asked last round about more dragon-based martial arts info, and the mediocre feat is your sole response. You didn't really expound on the concept of the hoard, and nothing about Jeroim is really dragon-influenced. A wand of lightning bolt hardly show his roots. Jeroim took a step down this round, and he shouldn't have.


roguerouge wrote:
Jason Rice wrote:


5) His minimum starting age is 47. Add 100 years training, that makes him 147, and middle aged for a Dwarf. Middle aged modifiers don't seem to be applied.
And I brought that up as advice to the OP in last round's thread on this very character. I can't believe that I forgot to look for that. Good catch.

I cant take credit for the catch. I mentioned you (and someone else) in the last sentence of problem 5. I only remembered it this round because I thought at the time that you posted it that his age didn't have to be a bad thing. However, it should be accounted for.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka JoelF847

I wasn't a big fan of the double-D last round, and I've got to say, he doesn't improve this round. There were several entrants this round who really upped their game, but I'm not seeing that here. I'm glad to see that the lame hook of selling grain at a higher price was ditched. Unfortunately, the replacement hook isn't much better. So the PCs go the the theives guild and instead of fighting theives, they find them dead already, and a diamond statue of a dragon left behind. I know if I was a PC, I'd be thinking "there's someone around who kills thieves also, and he left us a present!" Then I'd look for the next adventure. Why would they care about tracking down the DD, other than to say, "hey, want to join us and kill more bad guys?" Finally, leaving the diamond dragon statue doesn't seem like a mastermind thing to do (not unless we're talking the cheezy 60s Batman TV series - "no one will EVER guess that the Diamond Dragon was behind this, not whith my obscure diamond dragon statue calling card....oh, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.")

In addition to lots of the nitpick issues, it really bugged me that you indicated (see below) for some of the special abilities. That's not necessary. I went looking further in the stat block to see what about them you were referring to, and there wasn't anything there. The biggest error I see is the number of stunning fists per day is off. It should be 13, not 3. This could be a typo of skipping the '1', but it could also be not applying the monk bonus, and just using level/4 (for non-monks), which would be a big error. Your ability scores reference a +2 to his physical stats from a belt, but there's no belt in his equipment. Also, why the elixir of tumbling? A potion owl's wisdom would be a lot more helpful to DD.

The new feat is just lame. He can just use a weapon in the rare cases he needs piercing or slashing damage. Without doing more, it's just a big waste of a feat. Not only that, I've read several feats that let you do stuff like this, so it's not very original.

Overall, my biggest problem with DD is the same as last round. What's he game really? Just cashing in? Being a ruthless merchant who kills thieves? (Look at the EVIL!) I just don't know, and there's not much here to make me want to figure it out myself.


Further post:
Coming back to this entry after seeing the madness that is some of the other stat blocks, I find that my principle problem was my perception of inefficient expenditure of the gear budget, but that (with the exception of the CR-2) the stat block was otherwise pretty clean.
So I will move Jeroim into my pile of villains for priority consideration for my Round 3 votes; I do not think, given the company there, that he will get one of my remaining Round 3 votes, but I will acknowledge that this is certainly one of the cleaner stat blocks which I have seen this round.

As a final note (for now) I think an Amulet of Mighty Fists (Beta Playtest, Page 366) so that Jeroim could have applied at least Shocking damage to his unarmed attacks might have been a useful investment.

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32 aka Lord Fyre

I don't know. I have some problems here.

First is, rather then having him wipe out the theives guild, would it not be more logical (and lawful) for him to move up its ranks and then dominate it?

I also agree with the idea of doing the +1 CR (after the -2) to give him equipment as a PC (the precident being the bosses of the existing adventure paths). This would fit well with the greed angle that you are building into him.

In any event, his gear need to be spend more wisely (since NPC gear tends to be sub-par to begin with, you can't afford to waste anything.)

Spoiler:
If he was working in Varisia, would he have the Sihedron rune tattooed on him?

(B.T.W., I know what you are going for with the idea of him leaving the small diamond statuette behind (second plot hook), but I have two problems with it. First, given the gold value of the item, would he waste so much wealth as a calling card? Second, a villain of his experience and wisdom would realize how dangerous such an obvious calling card would be.)

Second, please use spaces between paragraphs. It would make your entry a bit easier to read.

Why would his dwarven weapon proficiencies be a surprise? As a dwarf, people would assume that he is proficient with his cultural weapons?

A mobster type villain has great potential. I don't feel that you reached it with this submission. :(


Tactics Review:
Simple and easy to understand, and potentially quite dangerous in an area where he has plenty of room to maneuver. They make clear though that pushing Jeroim's Wisdom score up (with items, too) would have been useful, since not only would that have boosted his AC, but it would have raised the DCs of those Fortitude saves against his special attacks....
A 10th level Wizard or Sorcerer is going to have even more difficulty making a DC 24 or 25 Fortitude save if Jeroim lands a punch than a DC 22 one...

Edit:
No mention is made of the valet, and what part he is instructed to play if he is on the scene, however.

Star Voter Season 6

Jason Rice wrote:
I cant take credit for the catch. I mentioned you (and someone else) in the last sentence of problem 5. I only remembered it this round because I thought at the time that you posted it that his age didn't have to be a bad thing. However, it should be accounted for.

And then I missed your citation. Must get to the optician now!

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16 aka amusingsn

After all due consideration, I'm going to float one of my votes to the Diamond Dragon. I know I'm supposed to be voting on the stat block this round, but there are only two entries that were worthy of superstar status, so I'm going to give Jeroim a "nearly good enough" vote in the hopes that Mark gets to the next round to see if he can redeem himself.

I really think that Lord Jeroim Borloz is a good idea, I just wish you had executed it a little better. Even so, you've made the cut!

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6 , Dedicated Voter Season 6

Nothing mechnically that wrong with the stat block, though the formatting is an issue. The design flaw that stands out for me is optimization - this guy lacks the staying power that can be built into a monk NPC. I do like the poisoned drink, it's a nice touch.


My principle problem with this villain in this round, has been the way that the equipment budget was disposed of, and that perhaps a little more could have been made of the stats.
Otherwise, the background was good, the tactics (especially with a revised version of the stat block) okay, the Round 3 rules kept to (as far as I could see) and the maths on the stat block fine.

If you end up writing a module, I would hope that you will be assisted in fine-tuning your villains, to get the most out of them, both in terms of character and of optimal efficiency in combat.

In the end it came down to a coin toss between Bracht and Jeroim for my fourth and last Round 3 vote, and Jeroim came out ahead and won that vote.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8 aka Tarren Dei

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

My principle problem with this villain in this round, has been the way that the equipment budget was disposed of, and that perhaps a little more could have been made of the stats.

Otherwise, the background was good, the tactics (especially with a revised version of the stat block) okay, the Round 3 rules kept to (as far as I could see) and the maths on the stat block fine.

If you end up writing a module, I would hope that you will be assisted in fine-tuning your villains, to get the most out of them, both in terms of character and of optimal efficiency in combat.

In the end it came down to a coin toss between Bracht and Jeroim for my fourth and last Round 3 vote, and Jeroim came out ahead and won that vote.

Congrats Jeroim. Ya gotta love a dwarven monk.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8 aka Tarren Dei

Tarren Dei wrote:


Congrats Jeroim. Ya gotta love a dwarven monk.

Aye!

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Steven T. Helt

roguerouge wrote:
Jason Rice wrote:
I cant take credit for the catch. I mentioned you (and someone else) in the last sentence of problem 5. I only remembered it this round because I thought at the time that you posted it that his age didn't have to be a bad thing. However, it should be accounted for.
And then I missed your citation. Must get to the optician now!

I'm an optician!

Liberty's Edge

Age? A few executionary errors with incomplete, poem-like sentences (excusable) and capitalisation that is not needed (as in “Lord”). There are commas where there should be semicolons, and semicolons where there should be commas. Good poem-mantra before adventure hooks. Hooks a bit short; only two, but they should be enough to make more from. 79 skill pts
Mechanics: Would have been nice to separate titles, CR, and size/type/alignment. The (dwarf) subtype is lacking. Also, as the description mentions his training over 100 years, Jeroim's age should have been included somewhere so the DM could know if his stats change. Abilities look good, but there're spaces kinda randomly distributed through them. Also would have been more consistent to have the [12] after Int.
You seem to have forgotten to add the belt that gives Jeroim his +2 to Str, Dex, and Con, which I assume come from a belt of physical perfection +2. There's also a problem with his “Treasure,” which should be 1000 gp, not 1000 g. You have a space after “Monk” at the top, but none after “Expert.” You should also probably have restated his levels, for ease of reference, after his CR and type.
Skills are good, with each part thought-out. There are some problems with forgetting to add spaces and “[“s, and I think you didn't use 6 skill points (73/79, by my count). Besides these simple problems, good.
The new feat is exceptional, and isn't introducing a clunky new rule. You use the preexisting guidelines for making a new feat, spell, class, or whatever.
Time to vote, here's what I've got...


Sorry bro, I was pulling for you!

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

To those of you who voted for me I thank you, and for those who didn't I understand.

Clark hit it on the head. My submission was rushed. I had quite a few medical issues, and infact I sent my submission Fiday after coming home from 31/2 hours at the Doctor's and and hour filling prescriptions.

This isn't an excuse, because in the world of freelancing and paid writing, we need to be able to navigate around life to fulfill deadlines. I suppose I simply want to say that I am as as disappointed in the quality of of my round 3 work as others have expressed and I'm sorry if I let any fans of mine down.

For all the judges, I greatly appreciate the time and effort you've all expended reading and critiquing these works, and helping to guide a new breed of writers, creators and designers.

For those who commented, your words, no matter how harsh, did not fall upon deaf ears.

And for those of you who enjoyed my writing, I am honored and humbled. Stay tuned, because published or not, at least on these boards, you'll be seeing more from me.

Mark

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16 aka amusingsn

Sorry to see you didn't make the cut this round.

I really liked your villain.

I hope you feel better soon.


Sad you did not make it. I think voters felt let down by the combat abilities; the reduced preparation time due to illness perhaps helps explain that, but as you observe the professionals have to do it all the time.

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

Without further ado here's what the Diamond Dragon round 3 should have looked.

Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon Male Dwarf Expert2/Monk 13
Description:
Jeroim is the very portrait of a cultured merchant. His silver hair always drawn back into a flawless ponytail, his beard, a neatly trimmed goatee. His handsome face seems chiseled from granite, accented by an aquiline nose that leads to eyes of almost crystalline grey. It is the eyes that give pause, cold and hard, his gaze bores into the souls of those who dare to meet it.

Broad-shouldered and powerfully built, his well muscled frame refuses to be concealed by the elegant and expensive silks that drape it.

Motivations/Goals:
Cursed with the misfortune of being born a Dwarf, Jeroim threw of the shackles of Dwarven society in a single action, faking his death in an “accident” that killed his entire mining party, leaving the mine to kobolds. That it netted him a tidy profit in future ore mined was simply a bonus.

Seeking his destiny in the subterranean tunnels, he would find destiny in the form of the ancient dragon Braxulthis. In the young dwarf, the wise dragon saw greed of draconic proportions, and a total absence of conscience. He saw the soul of a dragon. For one hundred years, Jeroim studied with his new master. One hundred years to learn the Way of the Dragon. His body and mind made into the perfect weapons, the arts and philosophies of manipulation, intimidation, and blackmail mastered, all wrapped in a binding of iron discipline.

Perhaps the greatest and most terrifying of his master’s philosophies that he has espoused as a lifestyle is that of The Hoard. Every man, woman and beast his organization touches are part of his hoard. Assets; tools to be used in the hoard’s expansion, or weapons to be used in its defense; discarded when their usefulness is at an end.
Showing more promise than any of the whelps Braxulthis sired over the centuries, Jeroim has now created himself a vast reaching criminal empire all to serve his purpose of dominance and greed. He is known as a highly respected merchant lord by many, a fearsome crime-lord by few, and an unrelenting killing machine by the inhabitants of many an unmarked grave.

Silver tarnishes, gold is soft;
Only diamond is perfect, diamond endures forever.
– Mantra of the Diamond Dragon

Schemes/Plots/Adventure Hooks:
The PC’s are hired to eliminate bandits in the mountain passes by a rich merchant. The bandits are soon replaced by a far more organized and elusive outfit.

The leader of the local paladin order is brutally murdered in his torn apart by claw. The prime suspect is the lycanthrope master of the thieves’ guild, a group that has steadily been rising to power. What now threatens to become an open war between the groups, is actually the machination of the Diamond Dragon; a means of eliminating both the competition and the opposition, while turning a tidy profit in the weaponsmithing trade as well.

Lord Jeroim Borloz, the Diamond Dragon CR 14 [+1CR for equipping as PC] LE Medium Humanoid (Dwarf)
Init +7 [+3 Dex, +4 Improved]; Senses Darkvision 60ft, ; Perception +16 (+18 taste, touch or to notice details in stone) see skills below

===== Defense =====
AC 33, touch 29, flat-footed 30; [+4 vs giant type, +4 for one round spending 1 ki point]
(+4 bracers, +4 ring,+3 Dex, +8 Wis, +4 monk bonus(due to monk’s robe))
hp 104 (15d8+32[2d8 expert, +13d8 monk, +15 Con bonus points, +18 Toughness])
Fort +9 (+11 vs magic) [+8 monk, +1 Con, (+2 racial)], Ref +11 (+13 vs magic) [+8 monk, +3 Dex, (+2 racial)] , Will +19(+21 vs magic, +23 vs enchantment) [+3 expert, +8 monk, +8 wisdom,(+,2 racial, +2 still mind)]
Defensive Abilities diamond body , diamond soul, defensive training, evasion, improved evasion, purity of body, slow fall 60ft., still mind
Immune disease, poison; SR 23

===== Offense =====
Spd 60 ft (80ft for 1 round spending 1 ki point) [20 Dwarf, +40 monk]
Melee Unarmed Strike +16/+11 (2d8+5 /19-20 B, or 2d8+5/17-20 Sl, or 2d8+5/X3 P )[+3 attack & damage amulet]
Flurry of blows +16/+16/+16/+11 (1 extra attack at +16 for 1 ki point)
Special Attacks Hatred (+1 on attacks vs orcs & goblinoids), Ki Strike (magic, lawful)
Might of the Dragon +16/+11 (3d8+5 /19-20 B, or 3d8+5/17-20 Sl, or 3d8+5/X3 P) for 1 ki point.
Fury of the Dragon +16/+11 (2d8+5+ 1d6 electricity /19-20 B, or 2d8+5+ 1d6 electricity /17-20 Sl, or 2d8+5+ 1d6 electricity /X3 P) for 2 ki points.
Gaze of the Dragon gaze attack, shaken condition, range 30ft, DC 24 Will save negates

===== Tactics =====
Before Combat If the party is no longer useful to him he will offer a “Gentleman’s Drink” of a very strong Dwarven liquor, openly being the first to drink. The rim of each glass is laced with Dragonbile.
Jeroim will utilize his medallion of thoughts to isolate those of high intelligence as potential spell-casters and pick up intelligences around the room that may be hidden or invisible, allowing himself to be aware of their existence albeit not their location. If he successfully detects the group’s surface thoughts, he readies himself (acting during any planned surprise round), and selects his targets, going after spell-casters first.
During Combat Using the first opportunity possible, Jeroim switches the amulet of mighty fists, held in his glove of storing with the medallion of thoughts for the remainder of the combat.
Jeroim makes use of his vastly superior mobility, going past or over frontline fighters to tear into spell casters and support characters. He makes use of his Stunning fist, Scorpion Style, and Gorgon’s Fist to disable opponents, tearing them apart in subsequent rounds.
One of his favorite tactics is to disarm spell-casters using wands, or staves, often utilizing his abundant step to then put him in a better tactical position to use these items against the more melee heavy members of the party.
His Dwarven proficiency with axes and hammers is often forgotten by those facing him, and though he prefers the kill with his hands, he is not above relieving a fighter of a powerful weapon, to introduce him to its business end.
If fighting in his stronghold, Jeroim will often use his maneuverability to toy with his opponents, distracting them from the arrival of Wyndham through any number of hidden connecting passages between rooms. At that point he fights in tandem with his cohort.
Morale If it would benefit him to leave members of the party alive, or if death is imminent, Jeroim will make a tactical retreat, using Bluff to give the impression of panic. Once he escapes he will heal himself, call upon reinforcements if available and begin stalking the party, taking them out one by one.
No one who crosses him will ever simply be allowed to walk away.

===== Statistics =====
Str 15 [13,+2 belt], Dex 16[14,+2 belt], Con 12[8,+2 racial, +2 belt], Int 12, Wis26[15, +2 racial, +3 advancement, +6 headband], Cha 8 [10, -2 racial]
Base Atk +10/+5 (+11/+6 vs. orc or goblin type)[+1 expert, +9 monk, (+1 racial)]; CMB +18 (+20 disarm) [+1 expert , +15 monk, +2 Str, (+2 Improved Disarm)]
Feats Combat Expertise, Deflect Arrows*, Gorgon’s Fist (DC 25)*, Improved Critical (Unarmed strike), Improved Disarm, Improved Initiative, Improved Unarmed Strike*, Leadership (Wyndham, Expert 2/Rogue3/Assassin 6 Human Cohort/Valet), Scorpion Style (DC25)*, Stunning Fist(13/day, DC 25)*, Skill Focus (Use Magic Device), Toughness, Weapon Focus Unarmed Strike.
*bonus monk feats
Skills Acrobatics +14 (+26 on jumps) [+8 ranks, +3 class bonus, +3 Dex (+13 high jump)] (+34 for one round spending ki points), Appraise +8 [+4 ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Bluff +7 [+5 ranks, +3 class bonus, -1 Cha], Climb +6 [+1 rank,+3 class bonus,+2 Str], Diplomacy +8 [+6 ranks, +3 class bonus, -1 Cha], Escape Artist +13 [+7 ranks, +3 class bonus, +3 Dex], Intimidate +8 [+6ranks, +3 class bonus, -1 Cha], Knowledge Arcana +6 [+2 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Knowledge History +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Knowledge Local +5 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +1 Int], Linguistics +7 [+3ranks, +3 class bonus, +1 Int, Perception +17 (+19 taste, touch or to notice details in stone) [+6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +8 Wis (+2 racial), Ride +7 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +3 Dex], Sense Motive +18 [+7 ranks, +3 class bonus, +8 Wis], Stealth +12 [ +6 ranks, +3 class bonus, +3 Dex], Swim +6 [+1 rank, +3 class bonus, +2 Str], Use Magic Device +20 [15 ranks, +3 class bonus, +3 skill focus, -1 Cha]
Languages Common, Dwarven, Draconic, Halfling
SQ AC bonus, Flurry of blows, Ki Pool (14), Ki strike, High Jump, Wholeness of body (13 hp/ 2 ki points), Abundant step up to 640ft [400ft + 40ft/level CL6]
Combat Gear belt of physical perfection +2 ,wand of Lightning bolt (7d6 electricity, DC 14 reflex), bracers of armor +4, ring of protection +4(shaped as diamond dragon signet ring),headband of inspired wisdom +6, monk’s robe (worn under clothing), amulet of mighty fists +3,Elixir of tumbling, Potion of Bull’s Strength, Potion of Haste;
Other Gear Medallion of thoughts. Bottle of Dwarven liquor, glasses (lined with Dragonbile. contact poison; Save Fortitude DC 26 Frequency 1 round (3); Effect 3 Str damage; Cure 1 save.), glove of storing.
Treasure Diamonds worth 15,000gp

===== Way of the Dragon: Monk Discipline =====
Your training and knowledge comes from the rarest of sources, a legendary dragon. You have learned unique and terrifying ways to utilize your ki.
Claws of the Dragon
Through intense training you have learned to channel your ki to the tips of your fingers, strengthening them, and allowing you to shred your enemies.
Your unarmed strikes can deliver slashing damage with a crit range of 19-20,or piercing damage with a x3 crit multiplyer, if you so choose. You can alternate between damage types in between attacks.
Might of the Dragon
You harness your ki calling upon the power and mass of your draconic mentor.
By spending 1 point from your ki pool, you can empower your unarmed attacks to deal damage as if you were one size category larger for 1 round.
Fury of the Dragon
With a roar of primal fury you call your ki forth, sheathing your limbs in the energy of your patron dragon.
At 8th level you gain the ability to add energy to your unarmed strikes. By spending 2 points from your ki pool you enable your unarmed strikes to deal an additional 1d6 of the energy type corresponding to the dragon who trained you. This effect lasts for a number of rounds equal to your Wis bonus.
Gaze of the Dragon
A single look into your eyes brings forth mind numbing terror.
At 11th level you can as a move action spend 2 points from your ki pool to make a gaze attack against a single opponent within 30ft. The target must make a Will save DC 10+1/2 your monk level + Wis modifier. If the target fails they are treated in all ways as if under the effects of a dragon’s Frightful Presence.


Ohh. Fun, fun, fun stat block. Haven't had time to check it, but the sort of stat block of a PC squishing villain I would have liked to have seen.

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Mark Thomas wrote:

To those of you who voted for me I thank you, and for those who didn't I understand.

Clark hit it on the head. My submission was rushed. I had quite a few medical issues, and infact I sent my submission Fiday after coming home from 31/2 hours at the Doctor's and and hour filling prescriptions.

This isn't an excuse, because in the world of freelancing and paid writing, we need to be able to navigate around life to fulfill deadlines. I suppose I simply want to say that I am as as disappointed in the quality of of my round 3 work as others have expressed and I'm sorry if I let any fans of mine down.

Mark

Mark, I believe that. My spider senses told me something was going on. It just felt rushed to me. This contest can do that. Listen, I wasnt the biggest fan of the Diamond Dragon as a submission, but I think YOU have a ton of talent. Please keep it up. Dont get discouraged. You gave this a hell of a run. I sure hope you try again next year. Besides, making top 16 out of hundreds upon hundreds of contestants and three rounds of competition is something to be proud of.

Clark

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

Thanks a lot Clark that means a whole lot. I'll definitely keep at it.


The revision is really good.

Dragon wrote:
"Cursed with the misfortune of being born a Dwarf,"
versus the old
dragon wrote:
"Jeroim had the misfortune of being born a dwarf."

Is probably the smallest improvement, but I think it really says it all about this piece.

The revised statblock also looks very entertaining with a lot of DM possibilities and RPing tactics.

Good luck in the future, and get well.

~LD.

PS: It might be interesting if one of the top 8 took on this villain's lair. If they did choose to do this villain and his lair; would they be allowed to base the lair off the revised concept or the original concept?

Star Voter Season 6

Congratulations on your success! Sad that you can't advance farther this year, but you've still come a long way.

Liberty's Edge

This was my favorite after Malgana... a very good villain, despite the number-crunching problems.

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16 , Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka JoelF847

Mark,

Your revision was great! I'm not sure if it would have snagged a vote of mine, but it would definately have been in the running. My only conern with it is the new monk rules stuff. I didn't see how you qualified for it, or what standard monk stuff it replaced.

Sovereign Court

I love the revision! Too bad you didn't have time to finesse your original round 3 submission, because this new version is quite fun. I'm sure I'm not the only person who would like to see more of your work in the future, so keep writing!!

RPG Superstar 2009 Top 16 aka Mark Thomas 66

A bump in case anyone who missed it wanted to see wha the round 3 enty should have looked like. (see about 8 posts up)

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