Dumbest Movies Ever Filmed


Movies

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Any Steven Seagal movie.


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Wow, my tolerance must be high. I like 5th Element, Davinci Code, and I love crappy horror or sci-fi stuff, like Deep Blue Sea and Ghost Ship. I like musicals too, so the new Producers wasn't that bad for me.

Granted, I have a special pit of hell for Highlander 2. And the Life Aquatic didn't really set me off either.

Oddly enough, I found myself walking out of the theater after 15 minutes of Kill Bill. And I only stayed through Sin City due to the artistic merit of the movie. I loves me my fantasy violence and such, but watching those movies made me feel like I was my own parents, shocked and appaled at what I was seeing. Wierd.

Can I put a vote for the worst thing I ever saw? Hmmm....

Oh yeah....the animated Dragonlance Movie. I'd love to put whoever thought CG draconians could mesh well with cel animated heroes in an early grave, but I think thats probably impossible, due to the fact they likely didn't get out of the burning warehouse full of cannabis that they made that executive decision cell phone call from. Or they've been recalled to their mothership. Only theories I have for the decision making process behind that one.

The Exchange RPG Superstar 2010 Top 32

Ah, Ghost Ship...

"SEA ... EVIL!"


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The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:

Johnny Mnemonic. Four reasons:

- It didn't follow the book at all.
- Dolphin? What the f@#%?
- Henry Rollins as a scientist doesn't jive in my book.
- No one can possibly want room service that badly.

Now in all fairness I liked this movie, but only because it came out during the heyday in which my friends and I were playing (then) FASA's Shadowrun 2nd edition. And lets face it, Deckers, Yakuza, Wired Reflexes, Street Docs, Monofiliment whips, and cyberware and street gansg oh my. This movie was every thing a game of Shadowrun was except no magic and metahumans. And at the time to see a movie version of the game you played was exciting. :P

Liberty's Edge

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Tensor wrote:


Any Steven Seagal movie.

My girlfriend concurs whole heartedly!

Now another one of mine: Event Horizon. Eh. Overwrought, gory just to be gory, pretentious garbage.

Dark Archive

R-type wrote:
Crowheart wrote:

Anything Uwe Boll does.

He has graced us with such masterpieces of awful as "Bloodrayne" and "House of the Dead."

P.S. Nothing But Trouble is stupid, but it is funny. ;)

And Fifth Element?? Come on! That movie was all kinds of awesome!

So true. Bloodrayne even has a suckquel out now I think.

Ja, and if you thought the first one was bad..

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

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A bizarre movie I saw on video back in the 80s. I have no idea why it was ever made, it was so horrible, but it was called "Beyond Atlantis." Here it is. It even seems like a movie that should be really cheesy and have boobies, but it doesn't even have that.

Worst.

Movie.

Ever.

Worst big-budget movie, though? I could take an easy potshot at Star Trek V, but I think I'd give it to probably Being John Malkovich. I really wanted to like the movie. But... oh, the horrors...

Scarab Sages

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How has no one mentioned Elektra yet? That movie nearly made me stop reading comics.


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An old obscure one that I happened to catch on IFC is my pick -- a Brazilian film called "The Strange Hostel of Naked Pleasures." It made "Manos the Hands of Fate" look like Hitchcock. I am not exaggerating. I would describe the film, but trying would warp the space-time continuum.

All I can say is that it is set in a hotel that takes in sinners who are subjected to gruesome and at times ironic fates, that ends up being actually a cemetary (in a sub-Twilight Zone reveal), and has some of the cheapest special effects (seriously, a scene of a guy shooting himself is accomplished by putting a sparkler next to the camera lens and then running red ink completely down it) ever committed. It was strange, it was a hostel, it did have nudity (the same three clips repeated over and over again) but was NOT a pleasure.


My vote goes to Vanilla Sky. My wife (girlfriend at the time) watched it together and neither of us had any idea what the hell was going on. When the "twist" ending was revealed I think we were beyond caring. It was just a very messed up movie.

Of course, now that I realise how much of a nutcase Tom Cruise is I like it even less.

Olaf the Stout


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houstonderek wrote:
Tensor wrote:


Any Steven Seagal movie.

My girlfriend concurs whole heartedly!

Now another one of mine: Event Horizon. Eh. Overwrought, gory just to be gory, pretentious garbage.

I really liked Event Horizon.

Liberty's Edge

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I think you can sum up my 'stupid movie' list with: "99% of the trash that has been produced by Hollywood in the last decade."

On the other hand, there's a movie that didn't get much attention as far as I know, many years ago, called The Wizard of Speed and Time, by Mike Jitlov. It's cool because instead of piling shiny special effects on for eye-candy, he actually worked them into the movie's story. Oh, and it's clearly a remarkably low-budget film that nevertheless is still a hundred times more awesome in execution than a hell of a lot of professional films.

Mostly, if I go to the movies, it's a month or so after the release, to minimize the rest of the audience, and I take along (or, actually, get dragged by) a number of people who think my MST3K behaviors are funnier than the film itself. ;p

Liberty's Edge

carborundum wrote:

Ah, Ghost Ship...

"SEA ... EVIL!"

Yeah, that one just made my head hurt when my ex-roommate decided to rent it. His horrible taste in films and his addiction to watching them so as not to think about his own pathetic rag of a life was one reason I was, and still am, glad to be rid of him.

Dark Archive

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What about Battle Beyond The Stars. It's the Magnificent Seven in space, starring John Boy Walton. And the main villians ship has breasts on the front of it. Amazingly, this stinker managed to launch the careers of James Cameron and James Horner.


A Thin Red Line - seriously if you were not suicidal before watching this you will be after, just to end the torture. All most 3 hours of almost all internal monologues about how somebody's wife was leaving them/cheating on them, how life sucked, blah blah blah. The only scene that was remotely interesting was when Woody blew off his ass.


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Jason Nelson wrote:
Worst big-budget movie, though? I could take an easy potshot at Star Trek V, but I think I'd give it to probably Being John Malkovich. I really wanted to like the movie. But... oh, the horrors...

Malkovich?

Malkovich!
Malkovich malkovich.


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houstonderek wrote:
Chris Mortika wrote:
But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.
drugs are bad, m'kay? ;)

Speaking of Sean Connery and drugs, he starred in some bad retelling of the Gawain and the Green Knight story, as the Green Knight, striding up and down King Arthur's dinner hall and shouting for someone to strike off his head; except his exact words were

"WHO'S GOING TO DEAL ME MY BLOW?"

Dark Archive

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houstonderek wrote:
Chris Mortika wrote:
But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.
drugs are bad, m'kay? ;)

Thanks, now this image is going to be stuck in my head all day.

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

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David Fryer wrote:
What about Battle Beyond The Stars. It's the Magnificent Seven in space, starring John Boy Walton. And the main villians ship has breasts on the front of it. Amazingly, this stinker managed to launch the careers of James Cameron and James Horner.

Wow, I forgot that one, but yes... booby ship with John Boy as the star. Oh the humanity!

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

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WelbyBumpus wrote:
houstonderek wrote:
Chris Mortika wrote:
But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.
drugs are bad, m'kay? ;)

Speaking of Sean Connery and drugs, he starred in some bad retelling of the Gawain and the Green Knight story, as the Green Knight, striding up and down King Arthur's dinner hall and shouting for someone to strike off his head; except his exact words were

"WHO'S GOING TO DEAL ME MY BLOW?"

Another forgotten treasure. Awesome line, esp. in the context of the 70s...

Liberty's Edge

WelbyBumpus wrote:
houstonderek wrote:
Chris Mortika wrote:
But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.
drugs are bad, m'kay? ;)

Speaking of Sean Connery and drugs, he starred in some bad retelling of the Gawain and the Green Knight story, as the Green Knight, striding up and down King Arthur's dinner hall and shouting for someone to strike off his head; except his exact words were

"WHO'S GOING TO DEAL ME MY BLOW?"

Maybe he knew me nine years ago?


Appaloosa.

Because it IS dumb (and bad) but several of my friends enjoy it. None of whom have recently watched Deadwood in its entirety, however.

Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2013 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2011 Top 16

City of Lost Children... Gah!

Miracle. 3 hours of my life I'll never get back.

A History of Violence. I like Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris, but this was crap.

--Vrock you like a Hurricane!


smell of orange blossoms in the wrote:
Appaloosa. Because it IS dumb (and bad) but several of my friends enjoy it. None of whom have recently watched Deadwood in its entirety, however.

If you mean the Ed Harris one that came out last fall, I LOVED it (of course, I enjoyed the book a lot, too, and the movie's dialogue is almost word-for-word). Never really got into Deadwood, I have to admit.

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6

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Chris Mortika wrote:


But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.

I knew that was Zardoz before I clicked it.

I nominate The Jerk, Too.

The Exchange Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6

David Fryer wrote:
What about Battle Beyond The Stars. It's the Magnificent Seven in space, starring John Boy Walton. And the main villians ship has breasts on the front of it. Amazingly, this stinker managed to launch the careers of James Cameron and James Horner.

I brought that up on the chat a few weeks ago :) I call it the moose ship.

Don't forget it also had George Peppard AND Robert Vaughn.

The ship and a bunch of space footage made it into Space Raiders, which is even worse.

Oh, another winner:
Laser Blast.

That one *did* get he MST3K treatment.


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Russ Taylor wrote:
Chris Mortika wrote:


But you haven't seen bad till you've seen Sean Connery's worst movie.
I knew that was Zardoz before I clicked it.

I didn't even bother clicking, it was an immediate "oh, Zardoz was mentioned, next we see the pic of The Costume".

Dark Archive

Russ Taylor wrote:
David Fryer wrote:
What about Battle Beyond The Stars. It's the Magnificent Seven in space, starring John Boy Walton. And the main villians ship has breasts on the front of it. Amazingly, this stinker managed to launch the careers of James Cameron and James Horner.

I brought that up on the chat a few weeks ago :) I call it the moose ship.

Don't forget it also had George Peppard AND Robert Vaughn.

The ship and a bunch of space footage made it into Space Raiders, which is even worse.

Oh, another winner:
Laser Blast.

That one *did* get he MST3K treatment.

And don't forget that it used leftover sound effects from BSG. And I didn't forget George and Robert, I just didn't want to tarnish their memories by linking them to it.


David Fryer wrote:
Russ Taylor wrote:
David Fryer wrote:
What about Battle Beyond The Stars. It's the Magnificent Seven in space, starring John Boy Walton. And the main villians ship has breasts on the front of it. Amazingly, this stinker managed to launch the careers of James Cameron and James Horner.

I brought that up on the chat a few weeks ago :) I call it the moose ship.

Don't forget it also had George Peppard AND Robert Vaughn.

The ship and a bunch of space footage made it into Space Raiders, which is even worse.

Oh, another winner:
Laser Blast.

That one *did* get he MST3K treatment.

And don't forget that it used leftover sound effects from BSG. And I didn't forget George and Robert, I just didn't want to tarnish their memories by linking them to it.

And don't forget the ship that looks like a uterus and ovaries.


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Repairman Jack feels the strong pull of his heritage towards a clubhouse in another thread an as old ex-pat wanders by.


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Panama Jack wrote:
Repairman Jack feels the strong pull of his heritage towards a clubhouse in another thread an as old ex-pat wanders by.

What's good about this guy is that he's already assimilated. No need to spend time or resources on him.


I definitely don't think it is the dumbest movie ever made but "The Forgotten" (starring Julianne Moore certainly had one of the most unexpected scenes I've ever seen.

There is one point in the movie where she is outside a house talking to someone about the conspiracy that is going on. Suddenly the person she is talking to is just sucked up into the air and disappears from view!

There wasn't anything that happened in the movie prior to that point that tipped you off to something like that happening. I just sat there half-dumbfounded, half-wanting to crack up laughing.

It was so far out there that if you had asked me 1000 things that might have happened next I don't think being sucked up into the air would have been one of them. It didn't ruin the movie for me but it was definitely a "What the.....?" moment!

Olaf the Stout


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I just saw Doomsday last night. And the movie didn't know what the hell it wanted to be. Was it an homage to Mad Max 2: Road Warrior? Was it Escape to New York? Aliens? Gladiator? Some mishmash of all of these dreamed up by addled action movie fanboys with ADD?

I couldn't tell.


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Crowheart wrote:

Anything Uwe Boll does.

He has graced us with such masterpieces of awful as "Bloodrayne" and "House of the Dead."

I understand that the German government changed its laws to make it impossible for him to go on making movies. No, seriously!

Say what you will about guys like Ed Wood, but he never did any film so ghastly that Uncle Sam went after him!


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Andrew Turner wrote:
Mayr wrote:
Just about anything on the 'Lifetime Movie Network'

I once blocked that channel--it's the most deceitful thing I've ever done to my wife. I made a channel preset, a favorites menu that didn't include the listing and that I renamed 'All Channels' and set as the first set-list on the satellite receiver, and even called Dish Network to see if I could have it removed from the programming.

My wife would watch a couple of Lifetime's misandry-movies, and then blame me for all the foibles, crimes, and perfidies of men worldwide.

I remember going to work once and overhearing some of the guys talking about how much they hated the Lifetime 'Man-Hater' Channel. I rolled my chair over to the little knot of unknowing misogynists and nearly wept for the joy of commiseration and companionship I had finally found.

The Lifetime Network had succeeded in the ultimate transmogrification...

I'd say it's a toss-up between Lifetime and Spike for the worst cable channel on TV right now. Lifetime is "all men are vile stupid sexist pigs!" all the time, and Spike is their best evidence.

I mean, when pro wrestling is the most deep, sensitive, and intellectual show you've got... (Worse still, pro wrestling run by Vince Russo!)


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Two more abominations I remember:

Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.

John Rhys-Davies has starred in many, many bad Sci-Fi Channel movies, but Chupacabra:Dark Seas is some kind of monument to just how desperate for cash the poor man must be. Idiot plot, every character has the stupid ball nailed to their skull, and the film changes its own internal rules at random just to advance the 'plot'.

Liberty's Edge

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Eric Hinkle wrote:
Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.

Yeah, not one of Peter Jackson's best.


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The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Eric Hinkle wrote:
Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.
Yeah, not one of Peter Jackson's best.

Though I wonder if Eric has seen other early Peter Jackson films...while watching Bad Taste or Braindead it would have been difficult to believe that guy would at some point make LotR films (at least ones which wouldn't be more Bored of the Rings)


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Eric Hinkle wrote:

Two more abominations I remember:

Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.

Meet the Feebles is full of awesome weirdness. Great for bad/bizarre movies nights along with things like Straight to Hell, Hawk the Slayer and Death Drug.

Dark Archive

Eric Hinkle wrote:


John Rhys-Davies has starred in many, many bad Sci-Fi Channel movies, but Chupacabra:Dark Seas is some kind of monument to just how desperate for cash the poor man must be. Idiot plot, every character has the stupid ball nailed to their skull, and the film changes its own internal rules at random just to advance the 'plot'.

Really, because I thought Dragon Storm was much worse then Chupacabra.

Dark Archive

Eric Hinkle wrote:

I'd say it's a toss-up between Lifetime and Spike for the worst cable channel on TV right now. Lifetime is "all men are vile stupid sexist pigs!" all the time, and Spike is their best evidence.

I mean, when pro wrestling is the most deep, sensitive, and intellectual show you've got... (Worse still, pro wrestling run by Vince Russo!)

Hey, Spike has CSI reruns and ST:Voyager reruns were on there for a while. However, mentioning pro wrestling reminded me of another nominee of the worst all time movie, Body Slam.


The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Eric Hinkle wrote:
Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.
Yeah, not one of Peter Jackson's best.

D'oh!

Thanks for the correction.


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David Fryer wrote:
Eric Hinkle wrote:


John Rhys-Davies has starred in many, many bad Sci-Fi Channel movies, but Chupacabra:Dark Seas is some kind of monument to just how desperate for cash the poor man must be. Idiot plot, every character has the stupid ball nailed to their skull, and the film changes its own internal rules at random just to advance the 'plot'.
Really, because I thought Dragon Storm was much worse then Chupacabra.

I never saw Dragon Storm, so I can't say anything about it.

But I also saw Mister Rhys-Davies in a SF Channel film titled Sabertooth, which was also pretty bad (giant CGI sabertooth cat eats horny teenagers in the woods) but it lacked the mind-blasting horror of Chupacabra.


Shadowborn wrote:

Hmmm...lets see:

X-Men 3 (Way to take what could have been the best superhero movie trilogy of all time and toss it in the toilet. There are so many things wrong with this movie I could devote an entire thread to it.)

Why wait for 3?, number two was so bad I didn't dare watch the third one. (And I had such high hopes for those movies to make the X-garbage that was being produced then, improve. I thought it would be by shame though, not comparison.)

Evolution. If Duchovny personally refunded my ticket price I would still be upset that I spent the money to see it (and I saw it in a $2 a ticket second run theatre . . .)

Liberty's Edge

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magdalena thiriet wrote:
The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Eric Hinkle wrote:
Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.
Yeah, not one of Peter Jackson's best.
Though I wonder if Eric has seen other early Peter Jackson films...while watching Bad Taste or Braindead it would have been difficult to believe that guy would at some point make LotR films (at least ones which wouldn't be more Bored of the Rings)

Hey! Brain Dead was AWESOME! Especially the Evil Dead parody scene (the scene in which Lionel bursts through the main door and proceeds to hack apart a horde of zombies with a lawnmower).


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The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
magdalena thiriet wrote:
The Eldritch Mr. Shiny wrote:
Eric Hinkle wrote:
Meet the Feebles: Google or Wiki the title. I dare you. Read a synopsis. Then remember this, it was directed by Kevin Jackson, the man who made Lord of the Rings. I'm just thankful someone put him on meds.
Yeah, not one of Peter Jackson's best.
Though I wonder if Eric has seen other early Peter Jackson films...while watching Bad Taste or Braindead it would have been difficult to believe that guy would at some point make LotR films (at least ones which wouldn't be more Bored of the Rings)
Hey! Brain Dead was AWESOME! Especially the Evil Dead parody scene (the scene in which Lionel bursts through the main door and proceeds to hack apart a horde of zombies with a lawnmower).

Cannot argue with that, but his ouevre to that point did not suggest that he would be directing LotR trilogy any time soon. Or that the trilogy would have an actual, and high, budget. And that there would be Oscars coming.


Death Racers.

No, not Death Race (original or remake), Death Racers. By far the very worst movie I have ever seen. Our group has taken to calling it "the bottom of the barrel" as far as bad movies go, and we enjoy watching bad movies.

I challenge you to rent it, watch it, and then tell me you've seen worse. I challenge you.

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter was better than this by wide margin.

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

primemover003 wrote:

City of Lost Children... Gah!

Miracle. 3 hours of my life I'll never get back.

A History of Violence. I like Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris, but this was crap.

--Vrock you like a Hurricane!

I liked Miracle and A History of Violence. Ah well, taste and YMMV and all that...

Dark Archive

IDK if this is on here anywhere but ROBOCOP 3 .

Really, a kid reprograms ninja assassin robots with her laptop to save the day. Buncha crap.

Liberty's Edge

I know it has been mentioned before but "The Dragonlance Movie". I was nearly physically ill with anger by the end of that piece of crap. Seriously when the producers has finished and watched the final cut what the hell were they thinking? Good job team?!

Morons.

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