Any good FRPG jokes out there?


Lost Omens Campaign Setting General Discussion


To prove that gamers do have senses of humor, does anyone have any good ones?

Finish this one - The two barbarians walk into a tavern and one says to the other...

Or, try this - I'm not happy to see you, and that IS a dagger in my pocket!

Funny/abeit strange gaming story - Playing runequest years ago and one of our snarky members tells me to 'take out your teeth and gum me baby'. I immediately flipped out a retainer with a fake tooth. He was totally at a loss for words. Priceless! We still laugh about it.

If you can't tell by now I prefer the funny side to FRPG.

Liberty's Edge

Two elves walk into a bar...you'd think the second one would duck.

Did you hear about the orc who went to the dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in?

What's the most dangerous job in Faerun? Dentist to the vampires.

Did you hear about the orc that had his left arm and leg chopped off by a barbarian? He's all right now.

Yes they're lame, and I am a geek. Why do you ask?

Scarab Sages

JollyRoger wrote:

...

Did you hear about the orc that had his left arm and leg chopped off by a barbarian? He's all right now.
...

HA! Awesome!

Silver Crusade

let see if I remember this.

Two gnomes walk into a bar looking to have a good time. One gnome, not-so-shy finds a gorgeous half elf, looking fantastic in her cahinmail bikini. He turns to his friend not-so-not-shy and says I'm gona go get me a date. He walks over to the half-elf and after a few moments leaves with her to go upstairs. Not-so-not-shy tries to get a few of the ladies in the bar to look at him, but all he could get was a glower from a stableboy. He goes upstairs to the room he shares with his friend, and then remembers that his fellow gnome has company. Sitting outside in the hall, he puts his back up against the door and tries to fall asleep. He finds this difficult however, as the sounds coming from the room remind him how lonley he is. "Ok here we go, 1-2-3" followed by a bang which sounded like the who bed moved. "Again 1-2-3" bang! The next morning not-so-not-shy wakes up curled in a ball in the hallway, while his friend was standing over him. "Bad night too huh" Not-So-Shy said. "Too?" replied the downcast gnome, you had a great night, I heard you all night long having fun with that half elf." Not-so-shy looked confised for a moment, then smiled and said "My good friend, I couldn't even jump up on the bed".


Almost assuredly drawn from an EnWorld thread:

Battle Cries of the Mild!
"Here I come to try my best!"
"Thanks for not leaving without me!"
"I get a little better each time!"
"I am Andrinor! I am not half bad!"
"Beware! I might actually defeat you given time!"
"I strive to be above average!"
"I am Andrinor! I strive to measure up!"
"I am always willing to settle for a tie!"

"Jog from me in terror!"

"I'll hurt you almost as bad as myself!"

"I have not yet begun to back down!"
ONWARDS!.............to futility.

:singsongy voice: Our Cause is Hooooopeless.
"Now I run to flee melee! Lots of pain coming my way!"


Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.
----------
What do you call a mage duel?

A spelling B.
---------
An elf, a human, a halfling and an orc are walking along the city streets.
They come to the elvish section of town and the elf exclaims 'Now here you
have a fine example of neo-Third Age architecture!'. The orc shakes his head
and the four walk on. When they come to the human part of town, the human
says 'Ah, but we have built in the finiest neo-Classical style'. Again, the
orc shakes his head and they all walk on. Approaching the Orc part of town,
they pass by a large hovel which promptly grows tentacles, snags the elf and
human, and devours them. As they run awaym the halfling looks at the orc.
"What kind of architecture is THAT?!"

The orc looks at the halfling. "Neo-otyugh."
-----------
How many Gnomes does it take to light a candle?
A. Only one, but it only "appears" to be lit

How many Halflings does it take to light a candle?
A. You mean you'd trust a halfling with your candle?

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of
joyous flame forth into the realm material.

How many Dwarves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three, one to count the money, one to light the candle and one to check
for sliding stone panels.

How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something
after all.

How many trolls does it take to light a candle?
A. only one, but he's very, very careful
-------------

Two dwarves, Cearmac and Vezzin, are travelling across the Great Sea in a
rather large ship. Although initially apprehensive at first, they settle
down as the first two weeks of the voyage are pretty uneventful. Then the
third week comes, and, bang, pirate attack. Somehow the dwarves manage to
get into one of the life boats.

So the two dwarves are floating along, and they notice a crate from one of
the ship's holds next to their little boat. They manage to pull it aboard,
and using a dagger, crack it open. Inside is a small lamp. On a lark, Ceamac
pulls it out and rubs it.

Poof. A Djinni appears and gratefully tells Cearmac that for freeing him, he
will now grant him one wish.

Cearmac thinks for a moment, and then says "I wish the sea were full of fine
dwarvish ale."

The Djinni bows, and the wish is granted. Overjoyed, Cearmac starts scooping
the ale up from over the side of the boat and guzzling it out of his helm.
After a bit he notcies that Vezzin isn't drinking any.

"Say, Vezzin, what's the problem?"

"Cearmac, you bloody fool, now we have to pee in the boat."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------

A dwarf and an elf step into a restaraunt and sit at the table. The waitress
asks if she could take their order.

The Dwarf says. "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."

The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"

The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too, and HE'LL
LIKE IT!"

*********************************

A half-Orc walks into a bar, the bar tender says "We don't serve your kind
here!"
The half orc responds "Thats good, I just wanted the mutton."
----------
Q: What's nine feet long, has six legs, and flies?
A: Three dead halflings!

Q: Why don't halflings plan for the future?
A: They're shortsighted!
-------
Three orcs walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks.
---------
What do you get when you cross a half-orc and a pig?

Nothing, there's just some things you can't get a pig to do.
----------
What's the best way to unload a cart full of dead elves?
With a pitchfork!

How do you tell if any of them are still alive?
(mime sticking a pitchfork and tossing something over your shoulder) Dead
elf.
(repeat) Dead elf.
(repeat, but this time shake the pitchfork) Live elf!
------

"You know, zombies can track you down like a bloodhound, even though they
have no nose!"
(wait for: no nose? how do they smell?)
"Awful!"
---------

A bard who specializes in ventrioloquism is performing in a tavern, doing
several jokes about how dumb half-orcs are.

A very large, very mean-looking half-orc in the back of the room stands up
and growls, "I'm sick of everyone making fun of half-orcs and saying we're
stupid."

The bard begins to apologize for offending the half-orc.

The half-orc says, "Sir, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the
little smart-ass sitting in your lap."
---------------
A Human, a Dwarf, an Orc and an Elf each reached the mouth to the cave of an
ancient red dragon. This dragon had been ravaging the country-side of each
race's kingdom and they were each sent to slay it.

The Human drew his sword and charged headlong in screaming, "I do this for
my kingdom!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Orc brandished his axe and charged headlong in yelling, "For my
bretheren!" where he's swiftly swallowed whole.

The Dwarf then pulls a jar full of Black Lotus extract from his backpack,
jams it in the elf's belt and pushes him into the cave screaming, "I do this
for my kingdom!!!"

-----------------------------------------------------------
An ugly man walks into the cleric's office and says: "Father I hurt all
over."

And the doctor says, "That's impossible .

"No really!" he said, "Just look, when I touch my arm, ouch!
It hurts.
When I touch my leg, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my head, ouch!, it hurts.
When I touch my chest, ouch!!, it really hurts", he replies.

The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?"

The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how do you know?"

The cleric replies, "Because, your finger is broken."
----------
Q: Why can't a fallen paladin walk straight?

A: He's out of alignment.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the brown stuff between dragons' toes?

A: Slow halflings.
------------
Here's another one:

"Did you hear that the Library in Mulmaster burned down and all the books
were destroyed.?"

"No!"

"A great pity. The mayor was just learning to color inside the lines!"
-----------
----------
"Are there any fighters in the room smarter than their swords?"
---------
"Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the
power to churn undead."

"I once knew a rogue who was so greedy that he picked his own pockets."

-----------

"He's the only person I know with a permanent stinking cloud."

---------
"Do you know what this is? (Character places hands on top of someone's head
and wiggles fingers.) It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger."
--------

An Orc, an Elf, a Human, a Kobold, and a Dwarf walk into an Inn. The
Innkeeper looks up at them and says "What is this? A Joke?"

---------
A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool
waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object.
Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and
pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the
fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's
Lure!"

From enworld message boards

Liberty's Edge

roguerouge wrote:

How many Half-elves does it take to light a candle?

A. Surprisingly only 1, it turns out that half-elves are good for something after all.

::dies laughing::


Notice how half-orc was substitued for blonde in quite a few of those jokes?

- There is nothing scarier to an elf than a half-orc vegeterian.

- One troll says to another 'The only problem with eating eating hobbits is that an hour later you're hungry again.'

Liberty's Edge

roguerouge wrote:

The cleric just shakes his head and says, "You're a half-orc aren't you?"

The man smiles and says "Yeah. But how do you know?"

That's funny on it's own.


A human, dwarf, half-orc, and elf all order mugs of ale. After being at the table for a time, flies land in each of the mugs. The elf pushes his mug away, "How disgusting." The human strugs and scoops the fly out and keeps drinking. The half-orc drinks the ale, fly and all. The dwarf scoops the fly out of his and then squeezing the thing says, "Spit up ya' bastard!"

Grand Lodge

noretoc wrote:

let see if I remember this.

Two gnomes walk into a bar looking to have a good time. One gnome, not-so-shy finds a gorgeous half elf, looking fantastic in her cahinmail bikini. He turns to his friend not-so-not-shy and says I'm gona go get me a date. He walks over to the half-elf and after a few moments leaves with her to go upstairs. Not-so-not-shy tries to get a few of the ladies in the bar to look at him, but all he could get was a glower from a stableboy. He goes upstairs to the room he shares with his friend, and then remembers that his fellow gnome has company. Sitting outside in the hall, he puts his back up against the door and tries to fall asleep. He finds this difficult however, as the sounds coming from the room remind him how lonley he is. "Ok here we go, 1-2-3" followed by a bang which sounded like the who bed moved. "Again 1-2-3" bang! The next morning not-so-not-shy wakes up curled in a ball in the hallway, while his friend was standing over him. "Bad night too huh" Not-So-Shy said. "Too?" replied the downcast gnome, you had a great night, I heard you all night long having fun with that half elf." Not-so-shy looked confised for a moment, then smiled and said "My good friend, I couldn't even jump up on the bed".

That had me in tears! Freakin awesome!

Liberty's Edge

I've always wanted to write a on-shot adventure in some fictitious city where everything is ultra-over-the-top politically correct D&D style. For example, citizens would be shocked at the use of the word "barbarian" because the proper term is "civilization challenged".

I wanted the PCs to have to go to that City for a very simple task, say collecting some spell reagent, and have it turn into a labor of Hercules to try to complete the task without offending everyone in the City.

Gods forbid the PCs try to attack a goblin or something. They'd be assaulted by Goblins' Rights Activists. There would be shrinks all over trying to help the giants get in touch with their halfling sides. Any other ideas?


JollyRoger wrote:

I've always wanted to write a on-shot adventure in some fictitious city where everything is ultra-over-the-top politically correct D&D style. For example, citizens would be shocked at the use of the word "barbarian" because the proper term is "civilization challenged".

I wanted the PCs to have to go to that City for a very simple task, say collecting some spell reagent, and have it turn into a labor of Hercules to try to complete the task without offending everyone in the City.

Gods forbid the PCs try to attack a goblin or something. They'd be assaulted by Goblins' Rights Activists. There would be shrinks all over trying to help the giants get in touch with their halfling sides. Any other ideas?

A Day Spa that lures in unsuspecting half-orcs with offers of free finger sandwiches? Ale baths for the dwarves since milk baths are such a no-no?


A pit fiend, an arcanoloth, and a glabrezu have all met up at the Styx Oarsman tavern in Sigil (it amounts to neutral turf for most fiends) to compare notes on their greatest successes in corrupting mortals since they last met.
The pit-fiend starts off by boasting about how he corrupted a paladin prince, into becoming a champion of evil with the aid of a couple of erinyes minions, one of whom is now the blackguard’s wife.
Next it’s the arcanoloth’s turn and in a quiet-spoken manner he explains how he lied to and tricked a great mage (with promises of power and spells) into betraying his college and summoning a horde of yugoloths that swiftly captured the place.
Then finally, it’s the glabrezu’s turn. He looks thoughtful for a moment, scratching his head with one of his lobster claws, and then topples over dead, a shortsword projecting from his back.
“Hi, guys.”, a human male in dark clothing says, pulling the shortsword out of the glabrezu’s back and starting to clean it. “I hear that you’re looking for a new drinking buddy?”

Liberty's Edge

JollyRoger wrote:
Gods forbid the PCs try to attack a goblin or something. They'd be assaulted by Goblins' Rights Activists. There would be shrinks all over trying to help the giants get in touch with their halfling sides. Any other ideas?

I one of my own campaigns kobolds were a neutral rather than evil race, but had been at war with the gnomes over mining rights for some centuries, with the humans and dwarves generally siding with gnomes. After a group of adventurers (my PCs) uncovered incontrovertible evidence that the kobolds had been the original owners of the gnomish lands and had been driven off by the gnomes, the kobolds were able to sue for peace and get their lands back. Still bitter, they accused the humans and dwarves of only siding with the gnomes because of their gross physical similarities (i.e. lack of scales).

In the next campaign, same world, generation later, the kobold youth had organized itself into movements modeled after the Nation of Islam, Black Panther Party, and other 70's black power movement groups. Called the Green Dragon Kobold People's Movement, the organization embraced of melange of empowering beliefs (kobolds are dragon-blooded!), koboldcentric beliefs (kobolds predate humans!), revolutionary politics (kobold demand access to human markets!), questionable beliefs that make the establishment power nervous (the gnome oppresses the kobold, but the gnome is only a tool of the human!).

Kobold Power!


Half-orc walks thru the town's gate laughing hysterically.

Guard - 'What's so funny?'

After wiping the tears from his eyes the half-orc says, 'I told myself a joke yesterday', and resumes chuckling.

Guard - 'I don't get it.'
Half-orc - 'Neither did I 'til today!'

ba da boom!


An orc walks into a bar.
The bar says "ouch"


JollyRoger wrote:

I've always wanted to write a on-shot adventure in some fictitious city where everything is ultra-over-the-top politically correct D&D style. For example, citizens would be shocked at the use of the word "barbarian" because the proper term is "civilization challenged".

I wanted the PCs to have to go to that City for a very simple task, say collecting some spell reagent, and have it turn into a labor of Hercules to try to complete the task without offending everyone in the City.

Gods forbid the PCs try to attack a goblin or something. They'd be assaulted by Goblins' Rights Activists. There would be shrinks all over trying to help the giants get in touch with their halfling sides. Any other ideas?

Don't forget to have them run into HETM (Humanoids for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters). Especially if they brag about their conquests while dungeoneering.

Slimes have feelings too!

Scarab Sages

(Non-Open-Content Joke )

" A Beholder, An Umber Hulk and a Mind Flayer walk into a bar...

Well, actually, they Disintegrated, Burrowed and Psionic Blasted their way into the bar..."

BA-DUM-BUM!!!

Ok, not a joke per se, but I tell it at the FLGS, and people laugh.

How did the Ogre get Diabetes?
He lived only on a diet of Brownies!

-Uriel

Scarab Sages

Emperor7 wrote:
JollyRoger wrote:

I've always wanted to write a on-shot adventure in some fictitious city where everything is ultra-over-the-top politically correct D&D style. For example, citizens would be shocked at the use of the word "barbarian" because the proper term is "civilization challenged".

I wanted the PCs to have to go to that City for a very simple task, say collecting some spell reagent, and have it turn into a labor of Hercules to try to complete the task without offending everyone in the City.

Gods forbid the PCs try to attack a goblin or something. They'd be assaulted by Goblins' Rights Activists. There would be shrinks all over trying to help the giants get in touch with their halfling sides. Any other ideas?

Don't forget to have them run into HETM (Humanoids for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters). Especially if they brag about their conquests while dungeoneering.

Slimes have feelings too!

Hehehe,

I once had a Dragon who had taken out a Restraining Order against a Knight who had vowed to slay him. The players loved it.

-Uriel


Two people walk into a bar. One is a Pathfinder fan and the other is a 4.0 fan.

The Pathfinder fan meets a really hot person.

The 4.0 fan spends the night worshipping at the porcelain throne because they can't hold their liquor.

The End.


Emperor7 wrote:

Two people walk into a bar. One is a Pathfinder fan and the other is a 4.0 fan.

The Pathfinder fan meets a really hot person.

The 4.0 fan spends the night worshipping at the porcelain throne because they can't hold their liquor.

The End.

(Edited)

Ummm, there are some out posters around who will take offense at this as it is written, although might snicker if the fan roles were the other way around....
Could we try to keep edition-war sniping out of this thread please?


Charles Evans 25 wrote:
Emperor7 wrote:

Two people walk into a bar. One is a Pathfinder fan and the other is a 4.0 fan.

The Pathfinder fan meets a really hot person.

The 4.0 fan spends the night worshipping at the porcelain throne because they can't hold their liquor.

The End.

(Edited)

Ummm, there are some out posters around who will take offense at this as it is written, although might snicker if the fan roles were the other way around....
Could we try to keep edition-war sniping out of this thread please?

Sure. My original thought was to make it WoTC in general but swayed to the 4.0 side. Sorry for the unintended offense.

There are actually a few things I like in 4.0, but I like Pathfinder much better.


Emperor7 wrote:
Charles Evans 25 wrote:
Emperor7 wrote:

Two people walk into a bar. One is a Pathfinder fan and the other is a 4.0 fan.

The Pathfinder fan meets a really hot person.

The 4.0 fan spends the night worshipping at the porcelain throne because they can't hold their liquor.

The End.

(Edited)

Ummm, there are some out posters around who will take offense at this as it is written, although might snicker if the fan roles were the other way around....
Could we try to keep edition-war sniping out of this thread please?

Sure. My original thought was to make it WoTC in general but swayed to the 4.0 side. Sorry for the unintended offense.

There are actually a few things I like in 4.0, but I like Pathfinder much better.

(edited)

Thank-you. I'm not sure to what level Wizards of the Coast would have been a good target either (given the Paizo staff have personal friendships & game with some of the Research & Development Wizards of the Coast staff).... except for the Wizards of the Coast legal department. I'm fairly certain that it's open season all year around on lawyers for polite jokes, until/unless you actually need one that is. :D


Charles Evans 25 wrote:
Emperor7 wrote:
Charles Evans 25 wrote:
Emperor7 wrote:

Two people walk into a bar. One is a Pathfinder fan and the other is a 4.0 fan.

The Pathfinder fan meets a really hot person.

The 4.0 fan spends the night worshipping at the porcelain throne because they can't hold their liquor.

The End.

(Edited)

Ummm, there are some out posters around who will take offense at this as it is written, although might snicker if the fan roles were the other way around....
Could we try to keep edition-war sniping out of this thread please?

Sure. My original thought was to make it WoTC in general but swayed to the 4.0 side. Sorry for the unintended offense.

There are actually a few things I like in 4.0, but I like Pathfinder much better.

Thank-you. I'm not so certain if Wizards of the Coast would have been safe either,.... except for their legal department. I'm fairly certain that it's open season all year around on lawyers for polite jokes, until/unless you actually need one. :D

So, these two lawyers walk into a bar. One doesn't duck and bumps his head. The other represents him......


What do you get when you cross a Vampire with a Treant?

I don't know but it's bite is worse than its bark!

Alternatives - A vampire immune to a wooden stake? - Nothing. When you 'cross' a vampire it flees!


You know you've been gaming too much when...

You go to see The Hulk at the movies and are expecting to see an Umber Hulk.

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