Humor - What Changes Will Wizards Add to the GSL


4th Edition

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Jon Brazer Enterprises

Now that we've all seen the GSL, we know there is a clause that Wizards can update the GSL without warning and publishers have to comply. What changes do you think Wizards will make to GSL?

(and yes this is a humor thread so please phrase you answers in the form of something non-serious.)

My thoughts:

  • All publishers are no longer permitted to speak ill of Wizards of the Coast or the GSL, publickly or privately. Anything less then total support will result in your license being pulled.
  • All profits made from your game material are the property of Wizards of the Coast.
  • Wizards of the Coast may choose to use the sneak attack ability five times per encounter per publisher.

Others?


Anyone caught saying drink, drank, or drunk has to pay a penalty of one shot.

Wait, what game are we playing again?


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

All 3rd party publishers seeking to use the GSL (hereafter referred to as supplicants), must avoid all eye contact and speak only when spoken to.
All supplicants must be more the 100 miles from any large body of water, or relocate from said Coast- there can only one, after all.
Only official WotC D&D 4th edition dice packs can be offered for sale
All plumbing shall be removed from supplicant premises- only we can have or use "Taps"

Now back out and keep your heads bowed- take no notice of the Lawyer behind the curtain...

Dark Archive

* By reading this contract, you have tacitly agreed to observe it. If you planned on creating a 4E compatible product before reading the contract, you can't wuss out and change your mind just because you didn't like the contract. Go ahead, make your product, or we'll sue you for lost revenue for the product you didn't write, based on our good-faith estimate of how much money it would have made.

* All ideas you've had inspired by 4E, even theoretical musings about what a 4E Druid would look like (Divine Striker?), are IP of WotC. Please surrender your brain for dissection in the convenient booth, as that idea belongs to us now.

* The words 'elf,' 'orc' and 'dwarf' are now IP of WotC, and have been made so retroactive to the publication of the Chainmail supplement. Peter Jackson, Wendy & Richard Pini and the National Association for the Advancement of Little People will all be sent bills for their past use of WotC IP. Copyright is still pending on the words Sorcerer and Cleric, and Muqtada al-Sadr has been informed by registered letter that he can no longer call himself a 'cleric,' while J.K. Rowling has already begun issuing reprints of first Harry Potter novel, to be re-branded as Harry Potter and the Magic Rock.

* The words Dungeon and Dragon, obviously, are also IP. The publishers of 'Torture Garden' have agreed to no longer refer to the specific adult-wrongbadfun chambers they showcase as 'dungeons.' The makers (and readers) of magazines called 'Dungeon' and 'Dragon' have already been poonished.

* Due to IP restrictions on the term 'Troll,' annoying, disruptive and / or confrontational internet posters will be referred to as 'annoying, disruptive and / or confrontational.'

* John Cooper, reviewer of D&D products at EN World, has been deemed a threat to corporate security. He knows too much about how the rules work, and stat-blocks are to be laid out, more than any editor or employee of WotC. This is obvious proof of his espionage of our corporate secrets! Off with his head!


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

All 3rd party publishers paying for the GSL must sign their WOTC agreements with the phrases: "By your command" or "We kneel before Lord Zod" or "As you decree, Great Maker!"

All adventures written with the GSL must include a quest involving shrubbery and a herring; and all monster manuals or similar reference materials must include stat blocks for a herring and a shrub.

Dark Archive

DMcCoy1693 wrote:
  • All profits made from your game material are the property of Wizards of the Coast.
  • I believe they will phrase that as, "All your profits are belong to us."

    Thou shalt use only the 4th Edition mandated product. Any attempt to house rule or implement anything into your game from any other system shall be punishable by 30 lashings from wet noodle.

    Anything fun or useful from any other system is now verbotten. There is one system. Ash naz gimbadul.


    * You can use the GSL, but then we get legal access to all your children so that we can create a WotC army.

    Contributor

    If a third party 4E book comes out with "Nicolas Logue" on the cover the GSL is hereby immediately revoked. And Nick Logue will be reduced to a pile of dog s!++.


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

    All third party publishers will be required to print their products on an officially licensed glossy paper basted with the food source of a genetically engineered moth. Said moth species will remained confined in a holding tank in the subterranean Wizards of the Coast Underlab. At any time determined by whim, Wizards of the Coast can release said super moth. Super moth, whipped into a feeding frenzy by a mist of pheromones, will begin to feed on their engineered paper food source. Consumers of third party publisher's products will be left with a pungent hunk of pulp which can be mailed at the expense of the consumer to Wizards of the Coast in exchange for one week of free DDI access. Third Party publishers will be charged freight and environmental disposal fees to remove truck loads of pulpy debris from their stock warehouses. As an added public relations victory, WOTC, will market the pulp as a revolutionary alternative to biofuels.

    Scarab Sages

    ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

    Dark Archive

    Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
    Nicolas Logue wrote:
    If a third party 4E book comes out with "Nicolas Logue" on the cover the GSL is hereby immediately revoked. And Nick Logue will be reduced to a pile of dog s~!~.

    Damnit, what did I just step in?

    Contributor

    damnitall22 wrote:
    Nicolas Logue wrote:
    If a third party 4E book comes out with "Nicolas Logue" on the cover the GSL is hereby immediately revoked. And Nick Logue will be reduced to a pile of dog s~!~.
    Damnit, what did I just step in?

    Ouch! Watch it up there!


    All products produced under the GSL must include the official logo:

    One edition to rule them all
    One GSL to bind them
    One company to bring them all
    And in legalese bind them

    In addition, existing 3rd party publishers must recall all existing product in order to place this logo on previously-existing products. Should this require going door-to-door, travel costs will not be reimbursed.

    Products without this logo irregardless of edition are now contraband and will be confiscated by the nearest Wizards employee. A one-time grace period will be granted, for a period of one nanosecond, at a time to be announced after it has passed, wherein any consumer of role-playing game products may attempt to turn in previous editions of the game in exchange for leniency.


    *spills his coffee*

    Contributor

    underling wrote:
    ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

    LOL! I ran the GSL through a Legalese to Simple Plain Speech translator and it came out:

    I'M IN UR BASE KILLIN UR DOODS.


    Nicolas Logue wrote:
    underling wrote:
    ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

    LOL! I ran the GSL through a Legalese to Simple Plain Speech translator and it came out:

    I'M IN UR BASE KILLIN UR DOODS.

    That's funny, mine reads: "It's comin up yer poop shoot."

    Mine must be broken.


    Upon WOTC announcement of proceeding with 4.5 edition, all companys in compliance with the GSL will automatically convert to the forthcoming system and be required to foot the bill for all WOTC game design expenditures.

    Dark Archive

    Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
    Nicolas Logue wrote:
    Ouch! Watch it up there!

    Sorry Nick I wasn't watching where I was going and didn't realize hell and dog!@#$ had frozen over. So sorry.


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

    Wizards of the Coast now requires the corporate heads of any third party publisher to run the gauntlet on an American Gladiator stylized Eliminator before being granted permission to utilize the GSL. After swinging over a piranha infested pool, climbing a barbed wire jungle gym of terror, and being shot out of a trebuchet designed and constructed by a group of fifth graders fed with Pop Rocks and a blurry blood stained Lego Trebuchet instruction manual, the third party publisher will be forced to confront the final big bad boss....the unbeatable Masked Lobotimizer. The resulting husk of a publisher will be forcibly signed into a contract cleaning the urinals at the WOTC headquarters without the added protection of gloves. WOTC reserves the right to televise the event in Japan.


    Upon first playing 4E, you henceforth relinquish the right to play any games released under prior editions, in perpetuity.

    Scarab Sages

    Kruelaid wrote:
    Nicolas Logue wrote:
    underling wrote:
    ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US

    LOL! I ran the GSL through a Legalese to Simple Plain Speech translator and it came out:

    I'M IN UR BASE KILLIN UR DOODS.

    That's funny, mine reads: "It's comin up yer poop shoot."

    Mine must be broken.

    I believe you might have yours set to goatse. I would suggest clicking the dial over to 'web jokes'. It should give you a clean translation that does not involve 'poopers'.

    The 'Ling


    Cthulhudrew wrote:
    Upon first playing 4E, you henceforth relinquish the right to play any games released under prior editions, in perpetuity.

    In addition, upon reading of the GSL, all 3rd-parties give up the right to play any other games, excepting future editions of Dungeons and Dragons, including their own previously-existing products. This goes in effect immediately, is retroactive to the beginning of the universe, continues through the end of this universe, and applies in all parallel dimensions, alternate timelines, or other places where Wizards of the Coast could potentially exist whether through magic, imagination, science, or pacts with otherworldly powers.


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

    Wizards of the Coast requires that any party agreeing to the GSL contribute a to be determined amount of money to a satellite monitoring system. All phone conversations world wide will be regulated and if at any time the title "4e" or "wotc" is stated or implied and then followed by the word "stinks" or any other inflammatory phrase on any "private" party line a protocol will be initiated. Said protocol will not be described further but the public hiring of Steven Segal seems to be involved.


    All 3rd-party licensees agree to give all rights and priveleges to WotC for any of the items known as "ideas". Should a 3rd-party possess an "idea", that idea is the property of WotC. Said "idea" can only be developed at personal cost and with the approval of the Wizards of the Coast. Proper approval involves:

    *A long and strenuous quest to the Hidden Redoubt,
    *an interview with the Gatekeeper ("Riddle me these questions three."),
    *A sorcerer named Tim,
    *A vorpal bunny,
    *Previously-mentioned shrubbery and herrings,
    *Swimming the castle moat (full of 18M sulfuric acid and a pirahna-swarm under resist energy:acid) while chanting the amount of damage taken by the licensee each round and the basic stats for the pirahna swarm,
    *Running a gauntlet of rapid pit-bulls
    *Pulling out one's own wisdom teeth with one's fingers. If no wisdom teeth remain to be pulled, the pit-bulls are available.
    *The Hall of Lawyers ('nuff said)

    If these tasks are performed (plus any others added to the GSL at any time), the supplicant may approach the mighty Wizards. Offerings must be accompanied by suitable offerings. Offerings might include the following:

    *Controlling interest in the licensee's company
    *A contract for the licensee's soul. If this is not an option, firstborn children are acceptable at a 1:1 ratio.
    *One arm and one leg, attached to the licensee at the time of arrival. If lost to the pirahnas or pit-bulls, those limbs are considered property of WotC and not permitted as offerings.
    *One set of the Power Nine

    Supplicants must wear a shirt made of multiflora rose and green brier while kneeling on the volcanic rock floor of the Supplication Room for their petitions to be accepted. Once a decision is made, the supplicant may depart the way he/she came. All memory of these events will be erased by a man in a black suit, wearing shades, with a small pen.


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

    Wizards of the Coast now requires that all third party publishers produce their supplements without the use of vowels. Wizards of the Coast will then sell the vowels to customers. In a side note Pat Sajek will be signed as director of marketing.


    All 3rd-party products must be produced only from approved materials. Paper may not be recycled and must be made from the pulp of redwood trees. Inks may only be based from giant squid and rare exotic frogs (rare exotic snails may be used in artwork). All raw materials must be approved at the WotC building before printing may begin. Companies may only hire employees of ages 5-12 to work in the factories where their products are created, and all such employees may not speak the native language nor be paid more than 1/10 the local minimum wage.

    Once per year, all 3rd-party licensees must attend the royal banquet. On this night (either Worldwide Game Day, 1st day of GenCon, Free RPG Day, or Halloween), each licensee must offer into slavery the very best writer or artist currently in their employ. If necessary a freelancer may be obtained in lieu of this service. Slaves must work on any project the Great Hasbro decides for a period not to exceed one eternity. Any licensee without a sacrifice must forfeit the souls of all existing employees as well as their stock and retirement funds forthwith.


    WotC's new corporate slogan for 4e will be:

    Trust The GSL. The GSL is Your Friend

    Dark Archive

    I just got a phone message yesterday that began: "This message is for [person who is not me]. By continuing to listen, you are acknowledging that you are [that person]..."


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

    Wizards of the Coast will require that all third party publishers purchase their line of food stuffs to exclusively supply vending machines and cafeterias. Trans fats, tryptophan laced turkey, and nyquil rubbed chicken tenders, suddenly become the food of choice. The insuing lethargy leads to failed deadlines and poorly edited products. In response, third party publishers will order cases of WOTC's newly released energy drink Magic Missile. Inside each can will be a concealed recorder that will be used to tape and transmit the conversations of third party designers. Gaming insiders fail to understand how Wizards of the Coast's R&D department consistently beats everyone to the printer with original fresh ideas.


    Pathfinder Adventure, Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
    PulpCruciFiction wrote:
    I just got a phone message yesterday that began: "This message is for [person who is not me]. By continuing to listen, you are acknowledging that you are [that person]..."

    Now did you continue to listen? Or maybe I should say hypothetically if you did continue to listen what do you surmise they might have said.... hypothetically of course


    He who controls the GSL...controls the universe!
    And how can this be? Because WotC IS the Quisatz Haderach!
    (blaring ToTo guitar/synthesizer solo!)


    Sevrem wrote:

    He who controls the GSL...controls the universe!

    And how can this be? Because WotC IS the Quisatz Haderach!
    (blaring ToTo guitar/synthesizer solo!)

    Where's the Sardaukar shock troops when you need them.

    OH!!! Here! Attack my minions!


    Patrick Curtin wrote:

    WotC's new corporate slogan for 4e will be:

    Trust The GSL. The GSL is Your Friend

    <Like a Stuffy Englishman>Never</Like a Stuffy Englishman>


    Cthulhudrew wrote:
    Upon first playing 4E, you henceforth relinquish the right to play any games released under prior editions, in perpetuity.

    Ha. Only if I could get all my money back.

    :::Hands Stipulation:::


    To signify your compliance with the GSL, please sign on the line below with the blood of your first-born child. If you do not have a first-born child, please report to the WotC Breeding Center. "WotC Breeding Center - the WoW player of Today, Tomorrow!"


    Korgoth wrote:
    To signify your compliance with the GSL, please sign on the line below with the blood of your first-born child. If you do not have a first-born child, please report to the WotC Breeding Center. "WotC Breeding Center - the WoW player of Today, Tomorrow!"

    I shudder at the thought of playing WOW.

    Scarab Sages

    The official drink of D&D is now Wot Cola. It consists of 90% caffeine by volume, with some chartreuse food coloring and a little water making up the other 10%..

    Liberty's Edge

    Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

    Section 37B

    I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained
    Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum
    Memo bis punitor delicatum

    *Lets see who gets that one*

    Scarab Sages

    All messageboard personas using, in whole or in part, a name, phrase, or distinguishing literary characterisitc of the Dungeons and Dragons Role Playing Game, up to and including the users of said personas, are hereby claimed as the sole property of Wizards of the Coast.


    Dragnmoon wrote:

    Section 37B

    I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained
    Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum
    Memo bis punitor delicatum

    *Lets see who gets that one*

    WotC Lawyer: Wrong, sir!! Wrong!! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void IF - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum,"[the torch of the mind lights the path to glory] et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis PUNITOR DELICATUM"!! [I remember the spoiled punisher twice] IT'S ALL THERE, BLACK AND WHITE, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL!! YOU STOLE OUR COPYRIGHTED IP. YOU DARED TO SELL MORE COPIES THAN WE, WHICH HAS CAUSED OUR PROFIT SHARE TO DIP, SO YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE!! GOOD DAY, SIR!!!

    Liberty's Edge

    Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber
    Patrick Curtin wrote:


    WotC Lawyer: Wrong, sir!! Wrong!! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void IF - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum,"[the torch of the mind lights the path to glory] et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis PUNITOR DELICATUM"!! [I remember the spoiled punisher twice] IT'S ALL THERE, BLACK AND WHITE, CLEAR AS CRYSTAL!! YOU STOLE OUR COPYRIGHTED IP. YOU DARED TO SELL MORE COPIES THAN WE, WHICH HAS CAUSED OUR PROFIT SHARE TO DIP, SO YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE!! GOOD DAY, SIR!!!

    DING! DING! DING!...we have a winner!!... and He did it with out giving it away :-)

    Liberty's Edge

    Dragnmoon wrote:

    Section 37B

    I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained
    Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum
    Memo bis punitor delicatum

    *Lets see who gets that one*

    Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes...

    Liberty's Edge

    Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber
    Andrew Turner wrote:

    Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes...

    Nah.... I just have Mad google Skills!

    Liberty's Edge

    Andrew Turner wrote:
    Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes...
    Dragnmoon wrote:
    Nah.... I just have Mad google Skills!

    Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

    Liberty's Edge

    Paizo Charter Superscriber; Pathfinder Companion, Pathfinder Accessories Subscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber
    Andrew Turner wrote:


    Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

    Well that is not a nice thing to say... :-(


    Andrew Turner wrote:
    Dragnmoon wrote:
    Andrew Turner wrote:

    Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes...

    Nah.... I just have Mad google Skills!

    Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.

    Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris

    Liberty's Edge

    Andrew Turner wrote:
    Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
    Dragnmoon wrote:
    Well that is not a nice thing to say... :-(

    Diabolus fecit, ut id facerim!


    WotC to the 3pp community:

    Lege atque lacrima

    Liberty's Edge

    Andrew Turner wrote:
    Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes...
    Dragnmoon wrote:
    Nah.... I just have Mad google Skills!
    Andrew Turner wrote:
    Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
    Patrick Curtin wrote:
    Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris

    Nihil est--in vita priore ego Imperator Caesar fui.

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