I think I might be done with D&D and most of my gaming hobbies in general. I have always loved D&D and everything it had to offer, but recently I have dramatic life changes.
My life was going great: happy home life, got two raises at work then offered a promotions that would change my life style as far as money, law school was going great as I completely blew this year out of the water. Then recently I lost someone very dear to me in my life. The most important person in my life.
I've found myself having no interest in the things I used to love. I used to cherish books and movies that had special meaning to me, but recently I went through my collection and found myself selling most of the books, movies, and games I own. These items had no more meaning to me. I've held off selling the 30ish D&D books I own because I knew at one time they held some importantance to me. Now I don't feel anything for them or anything else in my life. I have no interest in what used to make me happy, from the companionship of my friends or the understanding of my family.
I'm thinking of selling everything I own and moving away from the town were I live, and never looking back. I've started tying up loose ends at work, I've haven't planned own signing up for classes next semester, my family which lives six hours away knows I've had a great loss, but I don't think I want to see them or anything that could remind me of my old life so I won't be moving to my home town. I'll miss everyone and everything I had, but I want to forget everything. I've started packing and in a few days I'm going to get in my truck and keep driving until I find a place that does minded me of what I had.
Fizz
Wayfinder, PaizoCon Founder
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Fizz,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I could say lots of sympathetic and encouraging things, but I won't (edit: not because I don't want to...but because I'd feel that they were just too inadequate for a messageboard post). I'll just say that you've got people who care about you and love you, and any true friend or family member will be there for you when you need them the most. Let them be there for you.
Hitting the reset button is sometimes the only way, but I hope it would only be a last option.
That's it. No lectures. But I think I can say that your Paizo "family" here is listening. Lilith will bring cookies... ;-)
Fizz,
I hope you don't mind me writing this, I have no idea how much you are hurting because I've never lost anyone so close, but I hope you won't give up on everything that made you you. The person who was closest to you wouldn't, I'm sure, have wanted you to do that.
I hope you'll reconsider what you're doing and take time to reflect on how lucky you were to know that person and how it would hurt them to see you giving up on everything in your life.
Driving away from your past life may seem like a good idea but the person you cared about will still be in your mind and by your side forever.
Whatever you do I think you'll see here that you have lots of friends you maybe didn't know you had, and I'm sure others who can appreciate your loss better than I can will give you some words that may help.
Rich
Do whatever you need to. Reinvention can be very powerful, and sometimes you need to shed a skin to grow.
Just know that if you are running from grief, it will not be left behind, and wherever you go, there you are.
A new place, and new people can be a wonderful tonic. It helps to have other people who need support, though, and you may find it helpful to give love, and take it, from the people around you now.
The things that taste like ashes will gain their flavour again. Grief is quite natural. Don't try to escape it, do the bucket work that it takes to feel the pain, acknowledge the loss and honour the one who is gone. I know that it is an intensely personal thing, and it feels overwhelming. Feel it anyway, get into it and really let yourself be where you are, going through what you are going through.
Let people who love you, help you. They need to help you and it is harmful for them if you refuse them.
Help the people who loved him or her. It helps you too.
Give your books away to a new player. It will feel good to give the gift of game.
Director of Brand Strategy
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Hey Fizz,
Obviously I don't know the full extent of your situation, but it sounds pretty bad. You have my condolences for your loss and the resulting pain and distress it has caused you. I don't mean the next comment to be snarky or condescending in any way, but as someone who has struggled with depression off and on for years, it sounds like you've got it pretty severely. I know advice is probably the last thing you're looking for now, but I think that turning your back on your whole life is not going to fix anything. It will make you feel worse. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I wish you the best and hope that things turn around for you soon.
Yoda
Sorry to hear of your loss. Good luck with whatever is coming next. I hope that wherever you end up, you find some people and things you can connect with. Here's hoping for some better times for you.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
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I'm thinking of selling everything I own and moving away from the town were I live, and never looking back. I've started tying up loose ends at work, I've haven't planned own signing up for classes next semester, my family which lives six hours away knows I've had a great loss, but I don't think I want to see them or anything that could remind me of my old life so I won't be moving to my home town. I'll miss everyone and everything I had, but I want to forget everything. I've started packing and in a few days I'm going to get in my truck and keep driving until I find a place that does minded me of what I had. Fizz
Fizz,
When I was 25 a family member was murdered. My reaction was to sell my books, plants, and art and begin to wander. I wandered for years. It didn't stop the tears. I just found myself halfway around the world crying.
The advantage of a fresh start is that people don't remind you of your pain when you don't need to be reminded. I understand that. At the same time, it has been very difficult to get back on track career wise after giving up everything.
My advice, if I may be so bold, is to ask your university about compassionate leaves of absence or whatever they call it at that particular institution. Also, as much as the idea probably does not appeal to you, see what kind of free counselling services are available to you either through work or school.
Take care,
Tarren
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F*#&, man. I've thought about stuff like that, but I've never done it. I mean, if that's what floats your soul then go for it, but think about it long, hard, and deep. And make sure that when you cut off, burn your bridges, you remember all the good times you've had. No regrets, mate. Good luck.
"Greetings from Fairbanks!
This is the last you shall hear from me Wayne. Arrived here 2 days ago. It was very difficult to catch rides in the Yukon Territory. But I finally got here. Please return all mail I receive to the sender.
It might be a very long time before I return South. If this adventure proves fatal and you don't ever hear from me again, I want you to know your a great man. I now walk into the wild. Might be a very long time before I return South...
I now walk into the wild."
— Chris McCandless
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Fizz,
I am sorry to hear that, and I think I can't even imagine how you feel right now.
But I can tell you one thing - I have times where I look at my shelves and think about selling my books (wich I bought for thousands of dollars), because I just can't find the reason anymore why I love D&D or why on earth I was ever so in it. But these times pass, and if you sell all your stuff you will have this one day when everything comes back and even might help you over, and than you will be happy to have your books just packed away somewhere in the basement, and not old them! Believe me in this, I had this three times in my D&D life (I am turning 37 shortly).
Keep them, put them away in your basement and may even forget about them, but one day...
And all the best for you!
One more thing: You just realized that D&D (even if it mattered once much for you) is only just a hobby. There are more important things in life, where D&D falls totally into the background. But there will be a time for your hobby again!
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Fizzban
Two years ago I witnessed my father die in an accident. I fell into a hole I'm not completely sure I have left completely since then.
At first I did not want to do anything but grief, feel my own pain, anger and helplessness. I threw out some things that occupied sots in my hearts, just to "control" the sense of loss I felt.
It may sound like a hollow "good advice", but it is all I have to offer to you. Take your time for your grief, for your tears and for your memories. Put your life at hold for sometime, if you can, just don't throw it all away - you might need it later.
When the first sting starts to heal, surround yourself with good friends, maybe with friend you and the deceased shared. Then is the time to share pain and memories - and help each other heal.
When the wound the loss ripped in your life is clean, without the anger and the bitterness, it is time to sort out your life. Leave decisions to that time. They will be much truer and much "wiser" then all you could burden yourself with now.
Stay strong and you will make it through this night.
...wow.
Like the EMS, Fizzban was around before my time. He was a mighty Lord of the Boards despite his post count, who I looked up to. I still do.
Fizzban, there is nothing I can say that has not already been said. Good-bye, condolences, and good luck.
Fizzban,
I am very sorry for your loss and the pains you are feeling right now. I want to say that I can empathize with you, but since I do not konw you, I do not want to take that leap. I can surely sympathize though.
It has been mentioned before. Your symptoms sound alot like Clinical Depression. The above mentioned advice is sound also. Talk to somebody and get it out. I have dealt with depression most of my life. There have been times when D&D just did not seem to fill the emptiness, and I also had the inclination to sell everything and move on. This is just a Band-Aid approach to your grief. It will not hold for long.
One thing I have learned. When I get these feelings, do not do anything rash or spontaneous. Think about your actions and consequences. Talk to somebody, think, then make your decision.
Sorry about all of the advice. It is the only way for me to demonstrate that I care.
All that aside, I hope things get better for you no matter what decisions you make.
Take Care.
Fizzban, all I can do is wish you the best with whatever occurs with you. I just want you to remeber that there are people here who care about you and will be here waiting when you return. Take care and may God watch over you in your journeys to come.
I'm sorry for your loss. Your nearly certainly suffering from depression or grief. I think this would be a bad time to choose to sell those things in life that once gave you pleasure because they may one day give you pleasure again. Maybe your parents would be willing to store these things or maybe you could put them into rental storage of some kind.
I can't know whats best for you but possibly talking with some one, a psychologist or trusted pastor or someone who will listen to you and maybe offer some worthwhile advice or just be there to support you would help.
In any case it may well be best for you to take a year off from life and just think but try not to burn your bridges behind you. There may be a time when its right for you to cross back over those bridges and be once more welcomed by the people who can be found on the other side.
fizzban you have my best wishes in what ever path you travel.May you travel in safety and find the peace you need.
Fizzban,
I don't want to seem harsh or anything (but I am pretty sure it will), but didn't we have the exact same conversation a year or two ago? I seem to recall that you then struggled with future careerpaths, family expectations and a girlfriend that wanted to settle down.
I seem to remember that you wanted to leave then as well, so if the above is all true then I would say that leaving won't solve anything, and may cause your family to get hurt as well.
Take a deep breath and start talking with someone you trust, crying out on a messageboard is one thing but my guess is talking with a friend will gíve you something 'more'.
Just put your and my post together, if you did lose your girlfriend then I am sorry for your loss. Me and my big mouth :<
That was me being unhappy with my career path I took some time helped some people and life felt better.
I just lost my wife. I knew her since 4th grade. She was my bestfriend. I dated her since I was 15. I spent everyday for the last 6 years with her as her lover then more years than I want to count has her bestfriend.
I want to say f!%% you to be honest but I can't get angry any more.
Fizz
Right now, I can only imaging you feel like a piece of half rotting meat that refuses to die and keeps on dragging itself to work every day after half your soul was torn from you, and why the hell can’t anyone else see it?
Distancing yourself from life will not fix the problem. Harming yourself indirectly will not fix the problem. If you have any direct thoughts at all about harming yourself, call a crisis center immediately. Hell, call me, if you want my cell number, and we'll talk as long as you like.
Ditching everything and hitting the road is an awesome idea, if you do it for the right reasons. You aren’t. You can run away as far and as fast as you like and you’ll only die tired. If you honestly need to get away, throw yourself into volunteer work.
Call your family doctor. Today. Right now, after you finish reading this.
Tell them exactly what you’ve told us, and then have them write you up for stress / grief and talk to HR about taking long-term disability leave. Box up your stuff, close up the apartment, and go move in with your family for a while. It’ll be there when you are ready to look at it again, and in six months if you decide you still don’t want it, sell it or give it away to someone who does (like a school or a library).
The best thing you can do for the person who loved you is to honor their memory by asking for help and getting better.
That was me being unhappy with my career path I took some time helped some people and life felt better.
Fizz
Fizzban,
I do feel bad about the above, but the actions you've taken before (see above), could help you again. And I would strongly suggest that you talk to some 'real' people to get you through this.
Once again, sorry for your loss.
Fizz,
I don't think I know you as well some others on this board; nor can I claim to be telling what's best for you. But what you are describing (forget the D&D stuff - I mean the whole outlook) sounds like a deep step and I'm not certain you are ready to make that step right now. For lack of a better assessment, you would seem to be in one of the five steps of grief.
Speaking from a personal experience involving a friend and the loss of a child, grief can warp your personal perspective quite intensely. Try to measure out this decision; seek some counseling; if possible, spend time with family - they are often the ones who can support you best. In any case, give it some time to make sure you are doing this with a clear head.
In any case, I am sorry for your loss and I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. I don't know that it helps for any of us to offer advice, but I think we all want to wish the best for you.
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May I offer my condolences on your loss. There are few things in life so hard as losing a spouse.
That said, the best thing you can do is grieve. Running from grief does not and will not fill the void. Only life can fill the void left by death and then sometimes only slowly. Furthermore, though you want to seperate yourselves from those things that remind you of your loss, there will come a time when you may wish to be reminded, not of loss, but of joy. If you rid yourself now of everything that might stir a memory there will almost certainly come a day when you regret that decision.
Fizzban, I am so very sorry for your loss. E-mail me if there is anything that I- or(and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here) anyone here can do to help. We are all here to help at this awful time.
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This is my opinion, so it could very well be offensive. I'm giving you the option of not reading it.
In short, what I'm trying to say is, if you want to put it all behind you, that's fine and healthy. Don't. Just look at how f@~&ed I am, then decide.
Again, I honestly don't mean to be a dick. Those are my facts. Draw your conclusions.
If all else fails, you can e-mail me, or even kick me a message via DeviantArt.
Peace, bro.
Dave Mallon
This is my opinion, so it could very well be offensive. I'm giving you the option of not reading it.
** spoiler omitted **
Again, I honestly don't mean to be a dick. Those are my facts. Draw your conclusions.
If all else fails, you can e-mail me, or even kick me a message via DeviantArt.
Peace, bro.
Dave Mallon
It says something that I never even considered the chemical angle when I suggested a psychologist (hence a psychologist or a good pastor are pretty much equal in value in my book). That said a psychologist can't prescribe drugs - thats a psychiatrist.
In any case I stand by my diagnosis even while agreeing with you that western societies have become unbalanced in our methods. Now we try and give you a pill for every possible problem in life and if that does not work we give you more of them.
Fizzban will have to decide for himself if drugs are right for him in terms of dealing with this crisis in his life. One way or another though I still feel he should try talking with some one. I don't believe that talking can possibly hurt and it has a descent chance of helping.
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Fizz:
Under the circumstances nothing I can say is going to help much at all. But please, please, please talk to someone with a little more professional experience than a bunch of message-board posters. Even if it's just to talk. I've not been in your exact situation, but I've sought help when I was hurting, and it's one of the reason's I'm still around, getting stirred up about irrelevant edition changes.
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Fizzban from someone who has also suffered some recent trauma, I understand. What your going through is all part of the process an reevaluation of your life. It's all part of it. I am not here to tell you that you have clinical depression, or to even convince you to stay with the Hobby. The only thing I can tell you to do is take a step back, take a deep breath. Things are going to be totally different and everything in your life is going to shift to accommodate that. I personally think you need a break for awhile (from work if you can get it) and from everything else. You need time for cool collected thought and time with those who care for you most the ones that will always be there. This advice has been the only thing thatès kept me from going and doing something crazy. If you need to talk to someone just email me at jthm_91@hotmail.com.
I too suffered a great loss this March, then two months and 12 hours later a follow up. We are doing everything to wake these two. Moving away, dropping everything we were doing, would sadden me greatly. I do not want to FORGET anything. I know there are some parts of me really need to mourn, but mostly I want to celebrate the good parts.
I guess I am saying that while getting away and starting over is necessary, do not close all the options. Especially if the family and friends you have might lose touch. They (we) are there for you. Let them help.
I feel for anyone who has suffered a great loss, I hope you get through this. If you need some stranger to commiserate with, please let me know.
Whatever you do, best wishes dude. I'm sorry to hear about your grief and I hope you can get through this with the charm and humor we here all know.
If you kick the D&D habit I reckon we won't be hearing from you, but we'll all remember.
Gee Fizz, life sucks dude... I'm so sorry.
These boards are so much more than rule debates and gaming. It's also a place where you can find support. Do what you feel is right my friend, and know that we'll all be here for you when and if you decide to comeback.
Take care man.
Daniel Morency
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I'm sorry to hear of your loss, Fizzban. I would suggest that you hold off from any precipitate action at this stage. Don't sell everything now while your emotions are all over the place, wait until you have a bit of distance and perspective. It is hardly surprising that gaming gives you little pleasure right now - nothing much will - but life will move on. This isn't a good time to make decisions. Frankly, gaming is the least of your worries right now, so I'd leave the stuff on the shelf until life settles down a little.
Hey Fizz,
I'm deeply sorry to hear about your loss. I would follow the advice offered hear and go speak to a grief counselor. Most schools have one on staff and your job might as well. Don't give up and walk away. I'm sure your family and friends love you and want to help. Just go talk. Heck, you don't even need to talk. Just go sit and be with them, that might help a lot. Best of luck.
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Well Fizz, you can see by the posts that we care -- and that we support you. Please keep that in mind. Folks care even if you don't right now.
Here's my experience:
Growing up it was just me and Mom. Just the two of us. When I was 15 she was killed instantly by a drunk driver on Mothers' Day.
I handled it well, considering.
Also, I did what you want to do.
I was a Regional prodigy at chess and a Track-n-Field star/record breaker. I gave up both. (oddly D&D is about the only thing in my life I kept). A couple years later I went to a college 2000 miles away swearing to never come back.
Now it's years and years later. Two things: 1} I found stuff to do to take the place of chess and running. 2} Years later I felt I wanted to go back to chess and running.
Two things I want to say to you -- things you need to hear:
1} go through the motions, at least, of finding something to participate in, councelling, support groups, painting or writing poetry, whatever, wherever.
2} More importantly, consider the fact that your wife and soulmate would be upset if you became a vegetable. Right?... What were some of her goals, wants? How 'bout take the mantle of one of those; make her proud.
-W. E. Ray
Hey everyone,
Well I've had a long few days. Sunday I got in my truck and drove to work and quit then kept driving. I drove couple states away neither eating or sleeping. I was doing alot of thinking and nothing else.
I ended up a long way away from where I started. A friend kept trying to check on me and for the most part I just ignored her calls. When I finally answered she was in tears asking me to stay where I was and go get some help. I took her advice and went to a hospital and talked to a doctor. The doctor gave me meds due to what happened, my history, how I was acting, and of other reasons. They released me, and I was feeling better.
Later that night I had a bad reaction to the antidepressant and took alot of xanax with jack trying to commit suicide because nothing meant anything. I had extreme suicidal thoughts that I never really had before. I ended up calling my friend before anything kicked in to apologize for everything in life and say goodbye, but in truth I just ended up making her frantic because she couldn't help. I wasn't thinking right, but did end up getting help.
Now I'm ok after a night in the hospital. They adjusted the meds and I'm feeling alot better. Work called to say they knew I'd never quit, I was the only person that could do my job, so they just put the research on hold and said I was taking some sick days.
I'm feeling better, I like the new meds more than the others, and I have a higher does of xanax to get over the antidepressant suicide mark that seems to strongly effect me.
I'm still hurting, and I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future. I'm sure I'll always hurt from my loss. I don't think I'll ever get over this pain. I'm not sure I want to. I loved her so much. I would have given my life for her, and those few words or any words couldn't even begin to convey how I truly feel.
Right now I'm not sure wants going to happen, but I'm going to start by trying to make up the hurt I caused the one friend who tried to help over and over. I hurt her alot because I wouldn't or couldn't listen. I want to tell her how special she is and thank her for being there.
I want to thank everyone here for your concern, caring, and love. I still would like to here any advice people have. I'm listening now.
Fizz
I'm very sorry to hear this. Life is pain, but that doesn't mean it's meaningless. Don't give up on your current life; it has meaning and purpose despite what happened. She wouldn't want you to be in this state, so don't do this to yourself. Commit yourself to the memory of what was good, and dedicate yourself to living your life and cherishing your family and friends. As you can see in this thread, you have more of those than you realize. Have courage, and good luck.
Hey everyone,
<snip>
Right now I'm not sure wants going to happen, but I'm going to start by trying to make up the hurt I caused the one friend who tried to help...
You have my condolences on your wife.
My advice is to go back to the people who can support you best - clearly your friend who wouldn't let you get away and even your coworkers who seem quite willing to understand and give you the time you need to mourn - and let them help you bear this burden. Share your grief with them, your friends and family are probably feeling plenty of grief for her too.
Maybe your life needs changes to adjust, but try not to make decisions rashly. Take some time, a leave of absence from the gaming and law school, but don't close those doors yet. You may find that you'll need them too.
I don't have much to say, save that I'm glad that a) your company and family welcomed you back, and b) I am glad to have you back among the paizonians. I'm not very good at giving advice, and everyone has already said this, but be with your friends and loved ones. You'll need all the help you can get to get back on your feet.
I don't think I'll ever get over this pain. I'm not sure I want to. I loved her so much. I would have given my life for her, and those few words or any words couldn't even begin to convey how I truly feel.
You won't ever get over the pain. She was a part of your life for so long, the pain will never really go away and you learn to accept it and come to terms with it, but it never goes away.
I'm sorry for your loss, Fizzban, and I hope you get all the love and friendship you need to heal.
*hugs*
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My condolences for you, Fizzban.
I can't say I know what you are going through, and the advice I've written above are still the only thing I can give you.
The pain won't go away - but time will come the pain will not be the only thing that you feel when you remember your wife. The love and joy you had together will become part of your rememberance of her.
May your life soon be granted something you consider worth living for and you can use to gather your strenghth once again.
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Fizz:
I'm glad you've decided to stay, especially in light of what's happened. That's the important thing. If you want my unsolicited and probably offensive opinion, read the spoiler:
And though I've never lost anyone that close, I've still been weak. That's what suicide is: an admission of weakness. If someone is so f&%&ing weak that they can't control their own life, then they deserve to die. You gotta pull yourself together, which you seem to be doing well. Props.
I guess I'm just raw from my recent problems, but still, if something terrible like that happens, STAND UP. Don't get pulled under. And yeah, it probably isn't a good idea to take life advice from a twenty-year-old dude living in his parents' basemen, but it's still advice. Take it any way you want.
Don't let yourself fall down.
Dave Mallon
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Fizz,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that's completely insufficient, but I am praying for your well-being. I am glad that it seems like you have a friend and some folks at work who are there for you in some capacity.
I know nothing I can type here is adequate, but I think Molech has some good advice = staying engaged with something and knowing that your wife would be pissed as all hell if you try to check out early. You still have the capacity to make her proud of you.
We love you, man.