the Stygian capital to start his new career as a
troubadour known as the "Buff Bard". Unfortunately on the way
there, he was followed by kobolds who wanted his KFC.
They set a cunning trap for the would-be bard:
A pile of bird seed which, when eaten, would trigger
nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach and diarrhea. The trap also
inflicted the curse of the ancient Atlanteans, which when triggered
would trigger Trigger, the Lone Ranger's horse, who would then
repeatedly kick Conan "the Would-Be Buff-Bard" in his
junk. When combined with the effects of the birdseed, this
produced a veritable cornucopia of pain, misery, and degradation. Conan
loved playing dodgeball, which involves a lot of pain, misery
and degradation. He would sometimes throw the ball so hard
that it would move through time and strike some poor
warmonger teaching younger Conan, "If you can dodge a bull,
you can mess with the bull and NOT get the
bull's black dingus stuck somewhere that even depraved Thoth-Amon couldn't
shake it loose, though he would thoroughly enjoy trying! But
I digress in ways not meant to be seen by
the eyes of the same people who made Pathfinder #3.
Black Dingus had been Conan's nemesis since the fall of
Hyperion hit the shelves in 1990, a year Conan spent
in an intoxicated stupor in a smuggler's opium den in
Bombay, with a slack jaw and not much to say
on subjects involving mushrooms, midgets, and Red Sonja. Speaking of
the leather clad temptress, she was off pounding sand in
some mental institution because she could not get the image
of Conan's sweaty man-thighs out of her dirty mind.
A Stygian mental institution, slowly being turned into a vile
biker bar for heavyset men with greying beards and no
colostomy bags to call their own, just a couple that
get passed around on the Holy Days and used communally.
"Speaking of haunted and vile Stygia", bellowed Conan, "Does anyone
know the location of the Real Ghostbusters?" He would have
sang "who you gonna call?!", but Sonja had threatened to
rip his tongue out if he ever mentioned it again.
So Conan just bit into his bottom lip and decided
that discretion was the better part of not being mauled
and decided to try to build his own nuclear-powered
"back massager," needed to keep Sonja's uneathly lust under control
Of course, to acquire nuclear materials, he had to Stygia;
"Stygia" being a new verb used to describe dancing on
an enormous mound of yellowcake uranium and, over time, making
weapons-grade Uranium. Having stygiad an appropriate amount, Conan had
applied to Iran to use their cascade centrifuges, but was
denied because of bad credit ratings. Frustrated, Conan ran for
Fannie Mae, a powerful Outsider that could help, if saved
from disastrous support of sub-prime sorcery, the spawn of
candiru -- the very fish from page 6 that Thoth-Amon wanted
to have for supper. So he handed Conan a pole
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