Laurens de Haan

Round 1: Orb of the Ocean
Round 2: Cumavea


Round 2: Design a country

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32

"The Broken Kingdom"
Alignment: CN
Capital: Beltinos (pop 132,600)
Notable Settlements: Khauri, temple city of Fyur (pop 23,750)
Ruler: Cumavea is officially ruled by king Acestis the Third. The districts are ruled by different counts and dukes.



Cumavea was once a large city-state, surrounded by smaller towns and villages. The city was located south of a gigantic volcano, which clouds of smoke and ash could be seen from miles away.

One day, a group of seers from the south came to Cumavea, and with them the tidings of a major disaster. The land would be torn apart by a massive earthquake, a chasm would appear running from the volcano in the north to the sea in the south, tearing the city in two and very likely destroying it.

The king immediately ordered to strengthen the city’s fundaments and when the cataclysm came the city remained standing, spanning the chasm like an enormous bridge. However, boiling water started running trough the chasm and under the city. The place soon became uninhabitable because of the heat. The people moved out, and established new settlements outside the city. Cumavea became the Broken Kingdom.

Expectedly Cumavea’s most notable feature is the chasm which divides the country in two separated parts. The chasm is about 500 feet wide, 2000 feet deep and 600 miles long. It starts at the volcano -whose southern part is also split- and ends in a bay surrounded by high cliffs. Crossing the chasm is only possible by travelling through the city bridging it or by flight (magical or otherwise). It is impossible to build bridges because of the heat and corrosive gases. The former capital, which is nowadays mostly referred to as the “Boiling City”, lies 200 miles from the volcano. It’s an inhospitable place, for the temperature is always around 100 Fahrenheit and the air is so humid everything literally drips of water. Banks of steam drift in the streets, jets of hot water periodically erupt from the ground and in some places the air is filled with poisonous gas. Going around the chasm is hardly an option, as the volcano is part of a dark and extremely dangerous mountain chain.

Cumavea is divided into several districts, each with its own ruler. The Boiling City is flanked by the Hakaan Plains to the east and the County of Khela to the west. To the northwest of the County lies the province Sharda, where the new capital Beltinos is located, and to the southwest lies Rinji. At the eastside of the chasm the Fyur district can be found flanking the volcano, and the Elyn Coast lies to the far south.

The country overall has a mild, temperate climate. However, to the south the temperature of the seawater is rising due to the hot water flowing from the chasm. This causes the climate of Elyn Coast to shift from temperate to tropical. Marches and patches of jungle are appearing, steadily pushing forward into the Hakaan Plains and the County of Khela. Strange new creatures begin making Elyn their home, giant insects and lizards being only a few examples. The sea life is also changing, making sea voyages more dangerous.


As the chasm blocks passage from one part of the country to the other, being able to cross it is a major advantage. The inhabitants of the Fyur region are specialized in travelling though the Boiling City. These people are called the Firewalkers, and they are trained at the Flamelash Monasteries, which were initially meant to be temples but have been rebuild to serve as training centres. The Firewalkers serve as messengers and guides for trade caravans through the Boiling City. When their training commences, Firewalkers have to swear an oath which obliges them to offer most of their profit to the people of Fyur. This way the people can buy the food they need from other countries, for nothing will grow on the rocky waste they call their home.

The caravans crossing the Boiling city attract other people, who want to try and steal the wares they carry. These people are mostly from Rinji and Sharda. As the entrance to the city is heavily guarded by the Khelan forces, they devised an alternative route to get inside. The robbers travel to the Elyn coast and hire the services of the specialist wizards who live there. These wizards wrap themselves and their customers in protective spells, and then take them on a tour into the chasm. They travel to the Boiling City, enter one of the various tunnels underneath it, and try to get to the surface. Doing so is not only dangerous because falling into the chasm means certain death. Also, the Ethelin, huge multiheaded serpents from the volcano, inhabit its waters.

People from the Rinji district recently found a new way to cross the chasm. They build wooden towers, and use them to fly over the chasm with hang gliders of various sizes. Drifting on the hot air rising up, the gliders ascend to great heights and can get to almost every place in Cumavea. Gliders are mostly captained by Halflings.


The official ruler of Cumavea (and Sharda) is king Acestis the Third, but the land is actually governed by the congress of counts and dukes, and the king hardly influences them. Each has his own special interests, and this makes the government unstable. Count Bratos of Khela and Duke Jibris of Hakaan are the most powerful members of the congress because their districts are the wealthiest, and they always try to improve their trading position. Duke Flamelash of Fyur also has considerable power. Countess Claudelle of Rinji and Count Corliss of Elyn hardly have anything to say in the congress.

DM Secrets

Firewalkers from Fyur are currently exploring the northern mountains in search for allies to help them break through Hakaan and conquer the Boiling City.

Evil fire creatures from the volcano are moving through the chasm to get to the Boiling City.

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Submission checklist:

Submitted on time? Check.
Submission is a "country"? Check. But the main focus is the city.
Submission contains all of the mandatory content as required by the contest rules? Check.
Submission is within the word limit? Check. 1000 on the nose.
Submission is free of inappropriate content in violation of the "taboo" guidelines? Check.
Submission does not use content from a source other than those listed? Check.
Submission does not reference a published campaign setting? Check.
Submission does not include maps or art? Check.
Submission is a suitable setting for roleplaying with the d20 system? Check.
Submission is not a "joke" or otherwise completely fails to meet the minimum requirements of the competition or other contest rules? Check.

Paizo Employee Chief Creative Officer, Publisher

How to put this delicately.... Hmmmmm.

There are many elements that go into coming up with a good name. Players and DMs need to be able to pronounce it, for starters, as this is a game involving spoken expression. Another important (and frequently overlooked) element is that the name should not immediately suggest something inappropriate of unintentionally "funny," usually related to sex, body fluids, or the kind of sophomoric s#~! that gets laughs around the gaming table but is likely to get you slapped in polite society.

You want your players laughing at the game table, but you don't want them laughing _at_ you or worse, making a mockery of your carefully crafted country because the first part of the name sounds like, well, sounds like the discharge from an orgasm.

Sorry to put it in such vivid terms, but I'm not the first person to see this name and raise a red flag, and I won't be the last. In fact, were we to publish this I imagine there would be plenty of chortles all across the world as gamers get a look at your creation.

So, bad name. Really, really bad name.

That said, I'm going to spend the rest of this post discussing the submission itself.

Right off the top, you've got "Description:" as a header leading... right to another header. That's disjointed and unnecessary. I think you may have been following the posted example too closely, and the end result is clunky and a bad start to the entry.

I get a sense that English may be a second language for you, and it's admirable that your ideas got you through the last round. As a test of pure writing, Round 2 presents a real challenge for you and for your English language skills, and I'm not sure that you're quite ready for the challenges ahead or a larger writing assignment.

What you're describing: the volcano, the chasm, the city stretched across it, is interesting and evocative, but the language you're using is pedestrian and a bit clunky. Keep at this and you'll get it in time, so please don't get too discouraged by my comments. Tito Leati, whom many readers would agree is one of the finest adventure designers in the business, could not write well in English several years ago when he started submitting to Dungeon, but now he is definitely an RPG Superstar. I think you can get there too, but I think this year may be too early for you.

The Boiling City seems like a very interesting adventure locale, and I'm intrigued enough by it that I'm dreaming up adventures to set there, which is always the sign of a good submission. I like the pargagraph about adventuring there, though the bit about the multi-headed serpents could probably be expanded and worded more interestingly.

I found the DM's Secrets section extremely underwhelming. It was almost as if you'd run out of space and added a couple of token sentences to the end in order to fulfill the requirements of the contest.

So, as I said, the Boiling City idea is an interesting one and I appreciate the effort shown in the submission, but I just do not think that your writing skills are up to the remainder of the contest. That said I'd love for you to prove me wrong and take this thing home.

I wish you the best of luck going forward.

The Exchange Kobold Press

The name has problems for English because it's clearly derived from Latin roots that don't translate well. And well, gamers do like the mockery of bad names. This one is trouble, but the fix is just to shift a letter. Call it Cimmavea or Camavea. Not a major problem.

That aside, the Boiling City works as an adventure locale, and the split kingdom has some nice hooks for PCs to work with. The country has a bit of a Dragonlance feel to it, and that's a good approach for high fantasy. But Erik's right; some of the language is a little flat, and some elements that are very inventive don't get enough elaboration.

I'm actually close to recommending this one. Better naming isn't that tough to fix.

Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

Fluff (writing, grammar, style, evocative prose, etc.): C+
Some problems with writing and grammar. Not up to par.

Crunch (basics, rules issues, depth of the setting, details, etc.): B-
Some fun nuggets, but lacking in true crunch when some is clearly called for.

Design (choices made, format, naming, originality, theme, balance--ie, is the submission heavy in one part but lacking in another?): C-
The Good: The core idea is good—the boiling city and broken kingdom. Interesting. A bit too much like Cauldron perhaps, but that wasn’t the first fantasy setting to use a volcano.
The Bad: Oh boy. I don’t know that I can add more about the name. It truly is that bad. DM section was an afterthought and that is a huge problem. The way you broke up the sections is a bit clunky. I’m sorry for the low grade here, but the bad names, poor use of format and the total nothing that is the DM section really drags this one down—which is too bad because there are some neat design ideas here.

Play (setting for adventure? campaign? is there conflict? are there play limitations?): B
Good conflict. Seems to allow all races and classes and styles of play. Lots of areas of adventure.

Tilt (my personal take, is it evocative? do I want to play there? does it capture my imagination?): B-
I like the idea of the division. Frankly, I think this submission is more about the city than the country. The city is far and away the most interesting part.

Overall: C+
Interesting city idea buried under lackluster writing, poor format choices, horrid naming and unfortunate ignoring of key DM information.
Just not sure I can recommend this.


Legendary Games, Necromancer Games

By the way, I note in reading Erik's comments that he too focused on the Boiling City. I think that reinforces a comment I made that in reality your entry, at its core, is more about the city than the country. I am not saying it isnt a country, it is. But teh "big idea" in your submission is that city.

Laurens de Haan wrote:
It is impossible to build bridges because of the heat and corrosive gases.

Chock full of ideas that unfortunately lost me at this point because this city is set in a fantasy world where magic should negate this problem.

Man, why are people just overlooking the DM Secrets section? I would think folks would be editing down from 1000 words in this section alone.

The writing itself is subpar, but that's a mechanics issue and can be easily corrected as can the name. I'm not likely to mark down for those issues unless they're incredibly distracting.

Realistically, this isn't about Cumavea, anyway, it's about the Boiling City and how the surrounding provinces deal with it, which keeps it technically in line with the round's requirements.

I love the Firewalkers, but this may be just because I've been watching "Everest: Beyond the Limit" on Discovery Channel and envision this order of noble and selfless Sherpa-esque monks. I want to play a bad ass like that, so well done there. Some of these points get deducted, however, later on in the DM Secrets when we find that the Firewalkers are covertly recruiting allies to conquer the city. Doesn't sound particularly lawful...

The Ethelin deserve a paragraph of their own or should be cut. They have no business being an afterthought in a paragraph otherwise devoted to banditry.

The Rinji gliders (which are just begging for a cool name) scream Gnome to me and not Halfling. Checking the SRD for average weights, I find Halflings just a weeny bit lighter, but I can't shake the notion of them as pudgy bacon-eaters. I may be suffering from Edition Shock (tm), so I won't argue it too passionately.

In all, a mess technically, but an interesting idea that I wouldn't mind seeing developed further. I place Cumavea on the bubble for now. Thank you for letting me read your work.

Scarab Sages Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games

I like the idea of the Boiling City spanning the chasm. I might even have to steal that idea. The rest needs some work.

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32

I can post here to ask for feedback, right?

Can one of the judges please explain why the name is so horrible? I'm just a stupid dutchman and I think I'm missing something here.

Sovereign Court RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32 , Star Voter Season 6 aka TerraNova

While i may not be a judge, do a web search for the first three letters and see what you find (that is, if you are of legal age, and not faint of heart (and you might not want to do that search at work, either)).

That is why its not a good name. Not because i could not imagine a place having this name, but because many a gaming table will expect the city of brothels to be named this way.

Dark Archive Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4

Laurens de Haan wrote:

I can post here to ask for feedback, right?

Can one of the judges please explain why the name is so horrible? I'm just a stupid dutchman and I think I'm missing something here.

Neither you nor any other of the Dutch are stupid - the problem derives from an American fixation on the local term used for a male-specific bodily fluid.

Not your fault, but a smart editor has already suggested changing the name, perhaps in a completely hypothetical future re-write, to "Cimmevea" or other Latinate word. This, of course, is what good editors are for.

You should be commended - a fine submission, although not my favorite.

thatboomerkid wrote:

- the problem derives from an American fixation on the local term used for a male-specific bodily fluid.

For the record, using American as an adjective, followed by a generalization, means a lost vote.

Dark Archive Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4

mwbeeler wrote:
thatboomerkid wrote:

- the problem derives from an American fixation on the local term used for a male-specific bodily fluid.

For the record, using American as an adjective, followed by a generalization, means a lost vote.

Huh - my country, which has nothing to do with this exchange, lost your vote because of my "use of American as an adjective, followed by a generalization"?

Or did you take away one of MY votes, so that I can only vote for four people now?

. . . because I didn't know we could do that.

The first one, though it was just a warning to be careful how you phrase things while you are in the ephemeral spotlight. The country will stand on its own merits.

(yes, I know where you are from; it's in the sig., which makes it twice as bad, as you are perpetuating a negative stereotype)

Also, the reply has a hint of snarky tone; not sure if it’s intentional, though it’s understandable given the harshness of my initial admonishment.

Dark Archive Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4

mwbeeler wrote:

The first one, though it was just a warning to be careful how you phrase things while you are in the ephemeral spotlight. The country will stand on its own merits.

(yes, I know where you are from; it's in the sig., which makes it twice as bad, as you are perpetuating a negative stereotype)

Also, the reply has a hint of snarky tone; not sure if it’s intentional, though it’s understandable given the harshness of my initial admonishment.

Fair enough - I was leaping inappropriately to the defense of a man who was, in my view, being treated badly because of his cultural origins. Yeah, it's silly, but it seemed kinda mean that so many people were jumping on the "dumb foreigner" for not knowing something that, well, he didn't know.

In my defense, we Americans ARE pretty obsessed with it. *grin* Not sure, however, that I know which negative stereotype you're referring to. There are an AWFUL lot of them, after all.

As for the snarky tone: yeah. I suppose that I'm just tired and stressed (I mean, it is almost six in the morning, here) and honestly, genuinely nervous about the idea of voters holding the contestants hostage via vote-yanking - if I have to watch what I say, or "be careful how I phrase things" for fear of losing the contest, I'm guessing that it's already lost.

Point is: I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive (I'm not), mean (honestly, I'm not), or dumb (that, sadly, I am).

It's all good.

Dark Archive Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4

mwbeeler wrote:
It's all good.


Laurens de Haan wrote:

I can post here to ask for feedback, right?

Can one of the judges please explain why the name is so horrible? I'm just a stupid dutchman and I think I'm missing something here.

Google the first 3 letters of the name and you'll see.

I'm another Dutchman by the way, and while some people in this thread attribute the association with said male fluid to Americans, it was the first thing I thought of as well. It has more to do with being male than with being American I guess, or I hang out with Americans too much.

RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Darkjoy


I bet that you want cumaevo pronounced like QU-ma-vo.

I really wanted your entry to be good, so I could see a dutch guy go to round 3. But the writing doesn't pull me in and although the idea of the boiling city might see some use in my campaign your country won't.

The DM secrets do feel like a last minute add on, maybe if you had some more words it would be meatier than it now is.

Alas, you will not receive my vote.

The city was the country. But the city was cool and I liked the hang (hand?) gliders, reminded me of Darksun. When I first read that they built up the city to protect it from the volcano I was like, "yeah right, that's gonna work." But I guess with enough magic this is a possible scenario. I'd make it a little more livable but not nice, then have gangs roaming the streets fighting for territory and scavenging what was left behind.

Not sure there's enough country here to vote for.

Grand Lodge

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

Really there is only 500' of city that you described and it would be cool addition to an adventure but definitely not a enough for a country.

Liberty's Edge

Volcano City. This one has some good ideas and locations (the chasm, the city, the firewalkers, the gliders), but I do find it hard to get past the clunky language … I’ll forgive the name, but yeah, that was the first thing I thought of too - and for the record I’m not American ;-)

My other concern was, as others have raised, that it focuses too much on one region (albeit an important and interesting one) of the country to the detriment of the rest. And a pity about the DMs secrets section.

Well, aside from the name I like elements of this one.
Let me start this off by saying that I really like fire. And lava. In fact, I'm rather fond of using lava (often combined with long drops) so I really, really like the city over the chasm and I might have to use something similiar, but the rest of the entry doesn't really grab me. The writing is a little clunky and the rest of the nation is not terribly interesting. The city over a chasm of lava is really cool though.

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2013 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Steven T. Helt

I don't see a country at al in this submission. I only see one fantastic image of a city spanning a huge gorge with magma a mile below it.

And while that's an interesting location to build on, I am not moved at all by any other aspects of the entry. I don't care about the people, I am not convinced there's worthwhile adventure there. I could get my party there for a scenic battle while on the way to more important things shaping a country the players can get into and feel and care about, and therefore your entry is a stop on the way to a superstar place.

Congratulations on making the top 32.

The Broken Kingdom? Conjures a lot of thoughts but none of them are very good.

Writing is not well crafted. Not sure how much re-writing was done here to perfect the entry.

Stop the presses. The Broken Kingdom is back to being a cool idea as I read on (however the concept is still presented poorly through the actual writing. To bad too because the city spanning the chasm is way cool)

Cool ideas all around but they just are not presented well. I think we a lot of rewriting, or in the hands of a skilled author this could be really exciting.

Wizard guides that take people on tours, caravans, brigands, hang gliders (I can picture Halflings with goggles and headgear screaming in the wind) man this place has TONS of potential but is just to darn ….darn….painful to read.

I am confused, what is in the Boiling City to conquer? Why would the firewalkers want it. I was under the impression the city was basically just a bridge now?

Forged Goo Adventure Scale: Great
This is large part of how I am making my voting decisions and this one is the most evocative I have read yet. The hang gliders, bridge-city, the caravans, the wizard-guides I could have a field day creating adventures from this “country”. I cannot overlook the fact that the presentation is lacking some panache (to put it kindly). Maybe I should not worry about it because I don’t have to do the editing……

Good luck you have some great original ideas here,

I like your ideas, but I don't like how the breaking up of the kingdom was presented. I wasn't grabbed by the seers stating its going to happen, the city prepares, it happens and the city survives. I would like to see another presentation of how this big event comes around.

I think the boiling river does add some interesting things to the country side which you capitolized on with the hangliding haflings. That's neat.

I definitely agree with everyone else that there wasn't much to like about the adventure hooks in the DM Secrets section.

I had the same reaction as others when I saw the country's name.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Clouds Without Water

Laurens de Haan wrote:


For what it's worth, my first thought on the name was the Sibyl of Cumea. I'm not really proud of that, actually.

Anyway, on to the entry itself.

It really is mostly a city. A very cool city, one that would be great in the middle of a lengthy adventure, but still a city.

The writing really does hold back the strength of the ideas. I hate saying it, since I couldn't write in Dutch to save my life, but it's there. I think the judges said it best- keep at it and you'll get there.

Grand Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8

I like the basic background and very much enjoy the idea of the Boiling City.

Since the Boiling City is a good thing, half-baked ways to avoid it (Dark Sun derivative halfling hang-gliders and unspecified wizard spells) are bad, both in principle and in execution.

The descriptions of the sundered counties and districts need to be a lot better organised. I don't think it's plausible or interesting for them to get together in a congress.

"Expectedly" is not a real word.

If the author had to invent a new serpent-monster that lives in the boiling waters, he should have called them something better than Ethelin.

The DM Secrets are not adequate in scope or attention paid to them.

Neat idea, but I can't support its execution.

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 6 aka adanedhel9

Personally, I don't find that name bad at all, probably because I instinctively pronounce fantasy names with Romance vowels instead of English ones. But I can see where the professionals are coming from on that.

It seems odd to me that bridges aren't possible, yet the city is a bridge. It seems extra hand-wavy to me. And as others have said, magic should be able to handle that. I think you could've fixed that by having the city be falling apart. This also presents new dangers in the crossing, making the Firewalkers that much more important.

Despite the flaws, you've got an interesting place to adventure here. I could see this place being a lot of fun to send adventurers through; I don't think they'd stay there though.

As for "the American fixation" with the first three letters of the country's name, I'd just like to suggest that Japan definitely has us beat there.

Breaking a kingdom with a sudden change of topology is a great idea -- so why didn't you do it? Instead of cutting a city in half, why not the entire kingdom? You'd still have many of the same opportunities and themes, but it's much more dramatic to have it happen on a larger scale. I'd like to see the kingdom grapple with trying to maintain unity across a mile-wide, leagues-long chasm. I'd like to see denizens of the Underdark climbing up the sides of the chasm under cover of night to wreak havoc on the world above. Keep the city itself, but make it one of many features of a nation rent asunder. There just seems to be so much possibility there that I'm not sure why you kept it as limited as you did.

Also, the language is clearly an issue, and not a small one. That alone is probably enough for me to pass on this submission. But then again, I'm one of those guys who's like that. You know the type.

Place your votes.

Hmm, nice city but as a country was somewhat lacking. Especially on DM secrets.

And my first association from the name was city of Cumae, and was rather surprised when Erik made such a big issue about the name...

I like this as a place of interest - but not really enough to make it a whole country. It's like the whole state of Arizona decided everything revolves around the Grand Canyon. I'd take the Boiling City and plop it somewhere else, but the rest of the region is filler.

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 16 aka amusingsn

I think that geographical elements such as a city stretching over a volcanic chasm definitely have an important role to play in a fantasy setting.

I have to agree, this really is a city with some footnotes on the surrounding region.

Language and grammar issues aside, I would've preferred more intrigue among the be honest, I agreee that a total rift might have been a better choice. Half-cities on either side are very vivid images, and require less smoke and mirrors to explain away.

I also loved the monks, and the wizard "tours" -- but something similar could have been done with a complete rift. I think you've got some great ideas here, and I'd love to see what else you can do.

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens Subscriber

Just wanted to spread this comment about - a great job on all these entries to all the competitors. Many have be inspiring and interesting to read.
I have been reading these out of order, and this entry was the 11th one I read. I apologize if I repeat what has been mentioned.

This place seemed reminicent of the molten planet in Star Wars 3 to me - don't recall the name. The sheer amount of heat competes with the other challanges - and that could lead to some interesting adventures for a group. The power groups (especially like the Flamewalkers idea; and also the gliders) add tension and action to the place.

That being said, I think the original statement was that Cumavea was a city-state. Despite the details to flesh the place out, it still rings as a city, not a country. You have some great ideas for that city, and going there could lead to major action for players. It's more an environmental and urban adventure than a country.

Honestly, the language stuff didn't cross my mind until I read commentary.

There are some places that evoke a certain quality for a campaign or game world. Generally, it falls as:
a) Some place your players/PCs GO TO - for adventure, quests, missions, etc
b) Some place your players/PCs are FROM - this is their home and can be used as the basis for their background
c) Some place your players/PCs want TO STAY IN - they can adventure there; live in that society; and generally the game can be based there long term.

The city of Cumavea is certainly (a); might be usuable as (b) for PC or NPC character.

Probably not in my top 5 votes.

You seem to be a very visual person. Your orb and city are both based on a strong image. That is great. Fill the space around the images. Structure and prune.

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