Great Cthulu could whip your muscle-bound twit's behind. Just standing in front of the sleeping Lord of R'lyeh would turn Conan inside-out.
Bah! You are both wrong. Conan would defeat all these things quite handily. Cthulhu would be his play thing at that evenings orgy.
If Conan were to fight Elric of Melnibone he would cut him in two from skull to groin, and if drunk enough may even take a leak on that pussy black sword.
I think Conan and Buffy the slayer should hook up next...
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If Conan were to fight Elric of Melnibone he would cut him in two from skull to groin, and if drunk enough may even take a leak on that pussy black sword.
Ya know, Micheal Moorcock co-wrote a comic where Conan and Elric did fight. It was a draw more or less. They ended up on the same side before they could really settle it.
(I do think that somehow, Conan would find a way to win though)
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Actually, now that I've had time to think about it, there's one guy could whup Conan. Just one.
Capt. James T. Kirk.
Enterprise goes around the sun real fast, to get away from some Klingons, back in time to the Hyborian Age. Kirk gotta go down there and get some dilithium crystals from Thoth Amon. So he gotta whup Conan's behind for Thoth Amon. And...the ladies.
That's it, though.
C'thulhu? Please.
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Ooh, got me mad. I almost liked it.
Here's a few other things that would wipe the floor with Conan:
- The SATs (Conan is definitely not the type to leave circles empty if he isn't sure of the answer. And besides, when I took them there wasn't a section on loincloths or stabbing people, so his specialties will not help him.)
- Optimus Prime
- John Wayne (Not even as a character; just John Wayne.)
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases (The man gets around and who knows where those harlots have been?)
- An elephant, on fire, with a chainsaw
- Brock F*@#in' Samson from the Venture Brothers
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Ooh, got me mad. I almost liked it.
Here's a few other things that would wipe the floor with Conan:
- The SATs (Conan is definitely not the type to leave circles empty if he isn't sure of the answer. And besides, when I took them there wasn't a section on loincloths or stabbing people, so his specialties will not help him.)
- Optimus Prime
- John Wayne (Not even as a character; just John Wayne.)
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases (The man gets around and who knows where those harlots have been?)
- An elephant, on fire, with a chainsaw
- Brock F*@#in' Samson from the Venture Brothers
Conan would get a smart kid to take his SAT's, then turn them in. Nobody would say anything to him. Nobody. It's not like he's going to college anyway, or if he did, he could get a football scholarship. "Uh...humor the throid in the loinclout, eh?"
Optimus Prime? He'd drop a rock on OP's head.John Wayne? Maybe. If The Duke had a gun.
STD's...Thoth Amon had potions for them.
A flaming elephant. With a chainsaw. (yoink!)
Brock Samson has no wind because he smokes 3 pax a day. So like the Duke, he'd need to be packin' a blaster.
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WRONG!!
- The SATs
Conan is a military genius - he is a General and King. His Analytical problem solving skills are top notch. As for verbal skills, Conan regularly picked up new languages on the fly. (READ THE BOOKS!)
quote from wikipedia:
"Despite his brutish appearance, Conan uses his brain as well as his brawn. The Cimmerian is a talented fighter, but due to his travels abroad, he also has vast experience in other trades, especially the thiefly one; he is also a talented commander, tactician and strategist, as well as a born leader. In addition, Conan speaks many languages, including advanced reading and writing abilities: in certain stories, he's able to recognize, or even decipher, certain ancient or secret signs and writings (like when he uses the sign of Jhebbal Sag in "Beyond the Black River") (but noticeably, he apparently is never shown by Howard reading Stygian, though he can speak it), and his very first appearance (in "The Phoenix on the Sword") shows him busy writing."
- Optimus Prime
After laughing maniacally at the funny wind up toy, Conan would sink a sharp piece of steel, i.e. his sword, through one of optimus’ primes eyes and turn him off like shorted circuit. Lasers? They are not magic, just parlor tricks involving mirrors.
- John Wayne (Not even as a character; just John Wayne.)
Hardly worth responding to. John Wayne is a Hollywood actor. Most actors are homosexually inclined. Conan would handle this guy (?) with a b*tch slap. The slap would probably break John Wayne's neck and get make-up on the back of Conan's hand.
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases (The man gets around and who knows where those harlots have been?)
Anyone who has sex regularly knows how to deal with this problem. Obviously you don’t.
- An elephant, on fire, with a chainsaw
Bah! This is dinner!
- Brock F*@#in' Samson from the Venture Brothers
This one is easy. Brock is a fan and Conan wanna be. All Conan has to do is offer to hang out and have drink and Brock would lay down his life for Conan. That is the riddle of steel.
James T. Kirk would need a phaser. Without the phaser, Conan would kick the crap out of Kirk.
He didn't do too half-bad against a Gorn and a Vulcan. At least twice against the vulcan.
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James T. Kirk would need a phaser. Without the phaser, Conan would kick the crap out of Kirk.
Capt. James T. Kirk.
Naah...Conan would be mad cos Kirk stole his girl. Then he'd charge Kirk, and Kirk would do that thing where he falls on his back and flips him over with his feet. Then Kirk would chop him in the neck, and that would be it.
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Naah...Conan would be mad cos Kirk stole his girl. Then he'd charge Kirk, and Kirk would do that thing where he falls on his back and flips him over with his feet. Then Kirk would chop him in the neck, and that would be it.James T. Kirk would need a phaser. Without the phaser, Conan would kick the crap out of Kirk.
Capt. James T. Kirk.
Kirk (who isn't a whimp) would shatter his hand when he tried that chop crap on what R.E.H called 'Conan's bull neck'. Then Conan would snap Kirk's neck like a twig.
Kirk is a bad ass but Conan has tangled with demons and gods and has lived to tell the tail.
However, I will give Kirk the edge on one thing: He didn't need his girl friend to come back from the dead to save his ass. Maybe you're right after all...
It would still be a pretty good fight no matter who won.
Blasphemy! No one can defeat Conan!
(except Riker, pre-beard, and Chuck Norris)
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Conan, despite his martial prowess, can be beaten - as we learned in the "Three deaths of Conan" and "The black stranger" stories, the trick is to swarm him with expendable mooks. I'm sure prince Yezdigerd has plenty of those lying around for just such an occasion- though he probably cannot whup Conan, he can certainly defeat him.
- Sexually Transmitted Diseases (The man gets around and who knows where those harlots have been?)
Anyone who has sex regularly knows how to deal with this problem. Obviously you don’t.
Ooh! Gettin' personal on the Conan fantasy fight arguement! Hurts! Like a shark-bite!
And apparently thousands of people worldwide suffering from the AIDS epidemic don't have sex regularly enough to know how to deal with this and therefore lack your amazing Knowledge (having sex a lot) skill ranks. And seeing as latex condoms didn't specifically exist in Hyboria, they would likely have the same means as your favorite oily muscle-man.
The fight I would like to see comes from an obscure mystery novel. I'd like to see Conan try to solve the flying baby strangler murders. Huge guy in a loincloth vs. a little person dressed as a baby with a garrote flying around on a miniature helicopter that he uses to strangle his victims.
Johnny Carson. No one beats the undisputed king of late night television! So bring on your Joan Rivers, your Lenos your Lettermans, bring on your Kilbornes, and your ex-Man Show dudes, and most especially Conan. Carson is still king.
Hwah hwah hwah hwah,
GGG
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Johnny Carson. No one beats the undisputed king of late night television! So bring on your Joan Rivers, your Lenos your Lettermans, bring on your Kilbornes, and your ex-Man Show dudes, and most especially Conan. Carson is still king.
Hwah hwah hwah hwah,
GGG
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a talk show? Are there Yugoloths?
Is this the point where I reveal my ranks in Knowledge (obscure) and mention that the Romans used sheepskin condoms? Theoretically, Hyboria had at one Roman-level civilization within its midst, and such level of knowledge would be open to them.
Bruce Lee has alread killed Chuck Norris once in combat. Bruce Lee would be a loyal henchman to Conan because Bruce realizes he cannot beat Conan and does not have his ability to command. Bruce has also never killed a demon.
Cpt. Kirk is another one of those Hollywood actor types.
I can imagine Conan, Bruce, and Chuck going out drinking one night. At the end of an evening of drinking and womanizing they would knock Kirk down. Conan would bellow, "nice tights Kirk," and when Kirk turns to look Bruce Lee would drunkenly, trying hard not to laugh, kneel down behind Kirk. Chuck Norris would launch a flying cowboy side-kick hitting Kirk in the chest. Kirk would stumble backwards and trip over Bruce Lee. A quick spin from Bruce would land a heel on Kirk’s head dazing him. After which Conan, Bruce, and Chuck would take turns stomping him into a gelatinous puddle of goo -- just to top off a pleasant evening out with the boys.
(Epilogue: "Jim is dead, Jim." Bones, given the equivalent mass in the puddle of goo runs Kirk through the transporter's memory buffer and reconstructs/restores Kirk to health. Kirk suffers from a drooling problem for the rest of his life, and has a desire to wear woman's clothing.)
Crom!
Is this the point where I reveal my ranks in Knowledge (obscure) and mention that the Romans used sheepskin condoms? Theoretically, Hyboria had at one Roman-level civilization within its midst, and such level of knowledge would be open to them.
Way off topic, but my health class education has told me that sheepskin condoms aren't completely effective. Skin in any form has pores which wouldn't prevent all transmission of micro-organisms. They may cut down the risk, but they likely wouldn't have the same amount of protection as their modern latex equivalents.
I stand by my position that Conan's ferocity comes from a severe discomfort in the loincloth region.
Ya know, Micheal Moorcock co-wrote a comic where Conan and Elric did fight. It was a draw more or less. They ended up on the same side before they could really settle it.
Do you have anymore information? I would like to find this one.
Thanks :)
Way off topic, but my health class education has told me that sheepskin condoms aren't completely effective. Skin in any form has pores which wouldn't prevent all transmission of micro-organisms. They may cut down the risk, but they likely wouldn't have the same amount of protection as their modern latex equivalents.
For sure, but between "nothing" and "sheepskin", I'm pretty sure sheepskin would win out.
I stand by my position that Conan's ferocity comes from a severe discomfort in the loincloth region.
Would that be a "burning sensation" or "severe itchiness," Mr. of Cimmeria?
I stand by my position that Conan's ferocity comes from a severe discomfort in the loincloth region.
Hee... I like to think about Conan's loincloth region, too.
Guys,
sorry for your beloved Cimmerian, but it goes without a doubt that Kenshiro, and his Hokuto fighting style, would just vaporize Conan into a gelatinous cube.
Such is the power of Hokuto.
(and BTW, I would put my money also on Rey, Falco, Io, Raoul and Caio to boot - ah, also Sauzer.All of them surely posses fighting prowess way superior to Conan's)
Ah, if you wanna be nasty put him against Goku.
... Kenshiro, ... Rey, Falco, Io, Raoul ... Sauzer ... Goku.
If any of them had witnessed Conan charge his mount up and into the breach of the enemy’s defenses into their hordes, crushing two skulls one to the left and one to the right, before the enemy even realized the breach had occurred; they would either fall prostrate to the ground in worship, or madly moving their eyeballs left and right, slowly step backwards until there was enough room to turn and run in fear.
Crom!
My wife says she could whip him.
My wife says she could whip him.
* gulp *
The man, the myth the legend Drizzt Do'Urden could whup Conan to nothing. Drizzt baby. He wouldn't even need to call Guenhwyvar. Google it if you are clue-less.
I think only the Lady of Pain could take him on.
I'm saying nobody. Probably nothing. Conan the Cimmerian could whup anybody.
Hulk Smash puny Cimmerian!
Or the chestbursting, double-jawed aliens from the movie franchise. (Granted, there would have to be, like, ten thousand of the lil dudes)
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I think only the Lady of Pain could take him on.
LOL - Her Ladyship was always a favorite of mine. Once glance, and Conan would be flensed. :)
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I'm saying nobody. Probably nothing. Conan the Cimmerian could whup anybody.Hulk Smash puny Cimmerian!
Or the chestbursting, double-jawed aliens from the movie franchise. (Granted, there would have to be, like, ten thousand of the lil dudes)
Wolverine kilt the Hulk in a What if comic.
So Conan could too. Wolverine is just a scientific experiment to try and almost approximate Conan's badness, so Conan could do it.Them aliens...Conan would probably have to get an outer space machinegun of the future, but he could whup them. He whupped that gorillaman with the red cloak on with his bare hands.
As long as conan couldn't get his hands on any kryptonite...
Never mind he'd find some.
Hardly worth responding to. John Wayne is a Hollywood actor. Most actors are homosexually inclined. Conan would handle this guy (?) with a b*tch slap. The slap would probably break John Wayne's neck and get make-up on the back of Conan's hand.
Although Wayne wore lifts and a girdle, a fact brought up and greatly enjoyed by Rock Hudson... Wayne was about as gay as Ron Jeremy with his ass stitched shut. But more to the point, where does anyone get the idea that gay dudes aren't tough? One of my bass players is gay and benches 350. When a self-proclaimed 6'6 'karate eggspurt' jumped him with a sucker punch in a factory he got beaten so bad that my boy went to jail that day even though he didn't start it. In court the guy complained that his back would never be right. Well that's what ya get for slugging on stocky lil Italian guys, now isn't it?
It's funny how gentle the guy can be as well. Like when he asked my lady to leave the room then sincerely explained, "You're a very scary person. Sometimes I feel you're about to hit me."
"What? Have I ever hit you? Ever?"
"Remeber when you made us both put on boxing gloves and we sparred?"
"Oh. Dude... I would never hit you in anger."
He's quite naturally tough, but a real teddy bear at heart.
That said, neither that guy or I, even if we activated our wondertwin powers could best Conan. He's just a drooly, red faced, ferocious, batscat crazy juggernaut and you know what? He wants it too much. I'd say that anyone could be beat at any time by either greater skill or worse, the unexpected. I retired from amateur kickboxing with a perfect record of 40 and 0 but I'll tell you what, I give everyone respect because you never do know what the next guy can do.
One day, you're kissing your muscles all proud like, the next you step on the roller skatey shoes of a tempermental six year old and she hog-ties you and keeps you in her basement for an entire year, sustaining you with only grape Hi-C and celery filled with peanut butter topped with raisins.
Wow. I'd say unbelievable, but I've seen it before.
Why do brutal thugs who sucker punch people or pull some other punk move invariably cry like a collicky baby when the whole thing ends up in court?
"Waah, my back hurts now. Da mean big meany that I punch in the back of the head hurt my back."
I've never understood the sucker punch. So far as I'm concerned it's a clear admission of physical and tactical inferiority by someone possessing low moral fiber.
Caine, the blade of Tyshalle, could beat Conan!