| Oakly Miller |
Hi all! I'm Oakly, a 26 year old cis guy who's bi/fluid sexuality (has shifted over the years a lot). I've been a member her before, under a different name, but mostly lurked this thread back then. Now with a clean slate and anonymous name, I feel I'd like to kinda tell my story and hear if anyone has been through anything similar, because I've kind of been through a progression that I haven't heard anyone else go through.
This is probably going to become a +3 Wall of Text, but if anyone has the time and want to read, I'd be very happy for any feedback. It'd feel weird to, like, register on a forum specifically for this kind of things, so I thought I'd post it here. Thanks.
See, the thing is, when I say I'm cis I guess that depends on what one means by that word. I was assigned male at birth, and have never had any issues with being regarded as male, so in that way I'm cis. But, I don't really know. I've never really cared for being male either, and when people do assume I'm a girl on the internet, which happens occacionally (more when I was younger and used a lot of makeup and had a more feminine face due to youth and being slimmer) I do enjoy that.
And I've long thought that had I been given the option from the beginning, just to choose how my body would look, and there wasn't the aspect of all g&$*!$n sexism to consider, I'd definately would have rather had had a feminine body. But it's never been a big deal for me; I've never had dysphoria or felt that my body is "wrong", just that I'd rather look a lot different. When I entered puberty, I remember I hated growing so much and thick body hair typical of my hormone levels, and shaved myself all the time, including shaving arms and fingers, but I don't think I ever really thought about it in a gendered way; it was more that I thought it looked ugly and wanted to get rid of it. Nowadays I don't mind the hair at all, though I'm happy it's not more than it is (I'm probably quite average for a white guy in terms of hairiness). I even have a beard, and don't mind that.
At times, I've connected it with me being gay, especially since I was completely gay before and during my early puberty, first starting to like girls when I was maybe 17 or so. And I've also always been attracted to people who are kind of androgynous, whether they are guys or girls or neither. The two biggest crushes I've had on guys have both been on guys many people have casually read as girls.
I hadn't thought about it that much for the last years, because I just don't really think about my gender that much in general, but since nowadays most of my close friends think a lot about gender for various reasons, and I've also read a bit of gender theory, I've kinda begun thinking a whole lot more about my own gender, and trying to piece things together. One of the reasons I've thought about it lately is because my friend who has trans experiences stayed over at my place, and during the morning they casually asked what if I slept well and if I'd had nice dreams, and I told him that yeah I had a sex dream (we're kinda open to each other about those things) where I had sex with a guy, but I had a more typically female body. He mentioned that it's kinda common for trans people to have sex dreams where they have a body that matches their gender, and I realized when I have sex dreams I more often have a feminine body than a masculine. Not always, sometimes I have my regular body, but about 2/3 times I have a much more feminine body (and one that is closer to how I'd prefer to look; a foot shorter, 20 pounds lighter, and with defined muscles, lol). But when I have sexual fantasies while I'm awake, I pretty much always think about myself with my own body.
Ever since he told me that I've thought a lot about my own gender and honestly feel a bit confused. I'm quite sure I'm not trans, since I've never felt the need or even a strong will to change my body to be more feminine, though I've generally preferred being thin, having long hair, lacking body hair etc. And when I've gained weight (I've gained and lost a lot back and forth over the years), it always goes first to my chest area, so I kinda get "manboobs" before I get a big belly and broad thighs and I've always hated that; I've never really felt I want a protruding chest, though if I had a more feminine body I wouldn't mind it, it just isn't something I consider. And since it seems the chest area has been important to most trans people I know, regardless of what direction they're going in so to speak, it feels kinda weird not to care.
I have some issues with empathy and don't spontaneously empathise with people very well (I am very sympathetic, just not empathetic), but I have an easier time empathising with women than men, on average (though things like age and class still seems to affect it more than gender).
It's like... I don't feel like a woman. I don't feel particularly like a man either, but that's how I've always been defined and I have no issues at all with being defined that way. I don't feel a need to have a feminine body, but if I'd describe how the ideal body for me would be, it would be a body that is quite feminine. But androgynous. But I don't feel personally limited by the gender binary either (though gender expectations are a different beast).
So I was wondering, can any of you people here relate to this? Have you heard of people who are similar? I feel kinda lost in this, and I've begun to think about it a lot, not really because I feel it's a big deal to me (that's the strange thing, that it's not!) but because it bothers me that I can't get my head around it.
If you've managed to read all this rambling, kudos, and thanks.