Nstrivaxon, the Cunning's page

Smarmy reply to above n00b's posts real Real wacky Races

Essay-length logical-hair-splitting post snarkily commenting on the definitions and uses of the world 'real', which somehow concludes that Madrid is the only one genuinely so.

Hey, why are the rails going that way, but the current trend of the thread is going towards that gaping flame-filled maw of nerdrage and bile?

Uhh, maybe you need to go to the dentist?

<materialises in a puff of yellow smoke, accompanied by a stench of brimstone>
<looks sinisterly amused>
You do realise that if this thread isn't ignored and dies very quickly that it's likely to devolve into personal attacks and flame-wars, don't you?
Oh well, good intentions and all that... Carry on. On behalf of the dark lord, Asmodeus, and Hell I give this thread an official rubber stamp of approval.
<vanishes in another puff of smoke, with futher sulphurous fumes>

<materialises in flash and cloud of sulphurous smoke>
We do not have an official political forum yet, where great Asmodeus may be properly worshipped. It seems unlikely to me that Paizo will create a forum for the worship of those buffoons Gorum, Nethys and Rovagug.
<attempts to dematerialise and fails>
Bah! Head office appears to have restricted my teleportation budget this week. These cut-backs...
<stalks out of thread, glowering in a saturnine manner>

Post indicating flight from thread.

Slapstick with fireballs and slight air of menace.

Diabolic Capering.

<Laughs diabolically>
<Emerges from behind a pillar>
<Tiptoes off in opposite direction>

[Lawful Evil call for thread to be tyrannically suppressed!]
Obligatory Mention of Hitler, Stalin, the Pope, and Fidel Castro.
Comparisons of religious scriptures and reference to militant atheists.
Mentions of Global Warming, Middle-Eastern Foreign policy, and the representative merits (or lack thereof) of the two mainstream US political parties.
Mention of the tea-party, in a triumphalist fashion indicating that soon it will be *THE ONLY* mainstream party.
Attempt to derail thread with lame star wars jokes, which instead turns into an argument about the merits of George Lucas, and (by an obscure process of internet alchemy) into a William Shatner vs Patrick Stewart fight.
Proclamation that THE EDITION WARZ IS OVER CUZ HERO WUN!!!!!
Predictable dogpile.
Now if, in Asmodeus' name, someone would lock this thread please? I've just touched on the likely high-points of the next few chaotic pages if it's left to run on, and I really don't see any merit in it continuing.
[/Lawful Evil call for thread to be tyrannically suppressed!]

I'll set my lawyer on you... Well at least I will as soon as Paizo come up with some decent rules for litigation, and malicious assault with fish cases... Damn them, they haven't provided rules for that either yet!
<runs from thread, doing his best to fend off fish as he does so>

That sack... Oh no, those aren't Jollywobbler Pirhanas?

Oh no.... Not you!

<stalks into thread, glowering>
Pathfinder??? The trouble with Pathfinder is that Jason Bulmahn has still not acknowledged our dread lord Asmodeus' input to compiling the rules. I mean, honestly, you would have expected Paizo to see the marketing opportunites possible for the book in putting the name of the Prince of Darkness, the Master of the Nine Hells, the Gaoler of Rovagug right there at the top of the list of credits, but no, he doesn't even rate a mention.
Well, Asmodeus' memory is long, and his schemes subtle, and due punishment will be meted out in the fullness of time...

Practicing a bit of thread necromancy here, but I wanted to throw my 2c in.

I may not have a college degree, but I have enough confidence in my writing ability and my passion for the game, and for being a developer, that I sent my resume in even before I was 100% sure it wouldn't have been tossed in the trash without a second glance.

I may not be the perfect candidate, but I know this is something I'm capable of. So if you think you're capable of it, apply. It won't hurt, certainly, and the worst that can happen is that they say no.

Tsk, tsk, mortals these days imagining that somebody saying 'no' to them is the worst thing which can happen. Infernal torment for all eternity is much worse, I assure you. All must submit to the will of Asmodeus, and obey the laws and universal principles of existence or run the risk of having their souls snatched upon death and tormented in the fires and icy pits of Hell forever.

Raaargh!
<Runs off after Lucinda>

Silly questions:

Did giving 4E its own subforum stop the edition wars or just concentrate them in super-vitriolic form in a few places?
Is it reasonable to draw an analogy asking if giving 'serious business' its own subforum would stop certain posting, or just concentrate it in super-vitriolic form in a few places?
And, off-topic, I suspect that the poodle cabal and other groups would take something called 'serious business' as a challenge for as much threadjacking as possible. For that matter, some of my own aliases might be tempted to wander in...

I resent that remark! All my activities are by definition incredibly serious business.

Dear Mr. Jacobs,
Please ignore the succubus up thread. Succubi, demons generally, daemons... they're all parasites worthy of nothing more than being trampled beneath the iron shod hooves of the legions of Hell.
Devils are not parasites. We employ our brains and cunning. 'The rest' - whom others make the mistake of lumping in with us when they talk of 'fiends' - act on instincts and whims or out of pure spite to everyone else. A beast or rolling boulder could do as much. Devils take what they want, as of right, using physical might or intellectual force, as necessary.
Devils are not parasites. Devils are altruistic - indeed we exist to benefit society, because that which benefits society benefits us as the rightful place of Hell is at the top of any and all societies. What is more, unlike the misguided archons of the heavens, devils are not at all squeamish or shackled by foolish concerns for the well being of lesser beings in achieving the greatest overall good for society. Can a lesser being carry out its tasks efficiently for the good of all? If so, that is all that matters to Hell and to society.
However occasionally, for a lesser being to carry out its tasks most efficiently, it is necessary for that being to have peace of mind, and not to burden it with the true facts of existence which would otherwise distract and confuse it. Occasionally, it is necessary for Hell to permit lesser beings to believe that they have the mastery, so that they do not waste time and effort unproductively rebelling against an order of things which they cannot properly understand. It could be considered a kindness perhaps, and even the most zealous idiot who follows Cayden Cailean would not disagree with me that kindness is something indicative of superiority of intellect and philosophy. Thus even our most ardent foes, it can be said, acknowledge that Hell is in some things to be looked up to and respected. Are parasites looked up to and respected? No. I think that that should be sufficient to make my case.

Nstrivaxon, diplomatic secretary to the IXth bureau.

Waits for a while inspecting his claws, fastidiously picking specks of ash out from underneath them.
Inspects a pocket watch.
Sadly I have an appointment in other parts to keep madam.
Perhaps some other time.
Bows to Seoni's Stunt Double and vanishes.
* Tffp.*

Nstrivaxon, the Cunning wrote:

Seoni Stunt Double wrote:

Wait.. you're casting a spell on me now? I'm not sure that's in my contract for this volume.. could someone call my lawyer?

*Pfft!*

You called?
Wait, are you on my list?

Umm no sir.. but Timmy over there might need a lawyer, those evil bankers are out for his ummm soul.

You're not on my list? Excellent. I'm always on the lookout for fresh vic... errrr... for 'new clientele', that is to say. Can I interest you in an Asmodeus 666 contract? It's our standard 'pay later' contract, and quite watertight under the pressure at the bottom of any ocean floor. In fact one client last week used his as a submersible, in the hope that it might make the ink run. No such luck for him, sadly, although he did run out of air, and is now enjoying the finest hospitality our infernal welcoming committee can spare him.

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

SirUrza wrote:

Charles Evans 25 wrote:

Seoni Stunt Double wrote:

This topic is really... strange..

Is it actually possible to go off-topic on this thread without staying on something remotely resembling the original topic?

What? My Int is only 10.. I'm confused.

I thought you got a Will save against confusion, so why would Int matter anyway?

Wait.. you're casting a spell on me now? I'm not sure that's in my contract for this volume.. could someone call my lawyer?

*Pfft!*

Nooooooo!
<engaged in a life and death struggle, Nstrivaxon trying to dislodge the octopus, the pair exit the thread>
We now return you to your regular threadjack...

<speaking slightly muffled and smothered by octopus>
You! But I defeated you, months ago, when the flame wars were at their height on the Religious discussion thread.
Well at one of their heights.

Matthew Morris wrote:

*Imagines me doing this to Sean. Imagines Sean running away screaming*

Ha! Realize that when Ed Greenwood flirted with me at dinner, I just shrugged. If a 6 ft 5 in. bearded gray-haired Canadian bibliophile can't scare me, how can you?

Also, remember that I am so badass that I knocked myself out while driving and drove into swamp just to see prove how badass I am. And walked away unhurt. And then asked out the best gamer girl at Gen Con and convinced her to move cross-country to be with me. And she plays Pathfinder and paints minis.

I am fearless.

I rule!

/kevinspaceyfistpound

Ah well, since this thread seems to be off-topic now.... I have it on good authority that you can make Sean cry like a baby by taking away his caffeine. Either that or you can make him attack you in the berserk frenzy of the deprived caffeine junkie. It's one or the other...

<Pauses from washing the blood off his set of cockatrice feather quill pens.>
For those who missed it, back on Page 1 the original poster did say he was going to try diplomacy:

wraithstrike wrote:

He has no plans to kick him out of the group. He just said he will kill his character, so how does that solve anything?

PS: I dont know if the OP still plans to kill the guy. That was just the idea from the initial post. It seems as though alternate solutions may be attempted.

To be honest I think I'll talk to him first. You rascals convinced me ;) Failing that I might do it, though I doubt it.

<Goes back to cleaning his quills and drops out of the thread.>

Nstrivaxon, the Cunning wrote:

Lucinda Darkeyes wrote:

I hope that Rob realises this means that he is going to be consigned to the torment and suffering of having his work critiqued and commented on like an unending RPGSuperstar contest for the next however many years of his life....

Soon he too will be put through the agony of having his every comment about hippogriffs, dwarves, flumphs, or clerics in heavy armour misinterpretted, overanalysed, be the cause of flame wars, or just generally be smurrrrphed upon that is the daily lot of the Paizo editor. Soon he too will need to send for an ice bath for his arm, after spending hours signing autographs at a convention, or groan at his expansing waistline as yet another lorry load of pizzas arranged by fans rolls up outside of Paizo HQ...

Yes but there are some down sides to his new position too.... Although one fewer if he actually didn't need that soul which he just sold.

<Jellyfish whips the fiend.>

<Fishslaps the insolent strumpet.>

I hope that Rob realises this means that he is going to be consigned to the torment and suffering of having his work critiqued and commented on like an unending RPGSuperstar contest for the next however many years of his life....

Soon he too will be put through the agony of having his every comment about hippogriffs, dwarves, flumphs, or clerics in heavy armour misinterpretted, overanalysed, be the cause of flame wars, or just generally be smurrrrphed upon that is the daily lot of the Paizo editor. Soon he too will need to send for an ice bath for his arm, after spending hours signing autographs at a convention, or groan at his expansing waistline as yet another lorry load of pizzas arranged by fans rolls up outside of Paizo HQ...

Yes but there are some down sides to his new position too.... Although one fewer if he actually didn't need that soul which he just sold.

<Produces a wet haddock from somewhere and fishslaps Nstrivaxon with it.>

Go Andoran! And Qadira, Osirion, and even senile, decrepit Taldor, too!

Why, you little minx!

Best changes? Oooooh. I know. The picture of the aristocrat.

Worst changes? Who let Asmodeus in? <Pouts.> I mean at least Bane you knew where you were with and as a former mortal (at least before they killed him and replaced him with Iychatu Xvim in a suit of armour pretending to be him, but he was a former mortal too, and so you could work around him) you could tempt him to go to town with you and spend an evening in a bar. Asmodeus is just a dreary devil, and he shows off that key, too much. I mean all the time, it's like 'look at me, I'm Rovagug's jailer', so full of himself, and he gives the poor little kiddie-winkies the wrong impression about Pathfinder. I mean Dungeons and Dragons was clearly a fun game, with baatezu and tanar'ri and slaadi and morons - uhh modrons - all over the place, but Pathfinder is this dreadfully serious game with po-faced devils like Asmodeus and demon-goddesses like Lamashtu - I mean what does she think that she's doing going out like that with hardly anything on, except for a three-skull swimsuit which is so dreadfully like-three-ages-of-the-world-ago? And the poor dear thing looks dreadfully unhealthy, so pale like that, although maybe she is trying to get a tan going around dressed (or rather under-dressed) to that extent, which might explain a thing or two...

I disagree with my poor deluded colleague. Except for the bit about the aristocrat. The aristocrat definitely need illustrating, and she looks suitably magnificent in that gown, fresh from a Chelaxian ball or gala-evening at the theatre to perhaps watch the latest production of The Six Trials of Larazod. Frankly all those ghastly outer planar races needed to go. They were so chaotic and untidy, cluttering the place up - if I weren't a devil I'd be quite unable to remember how to spell 'slaadi' - and (besides being legally correct) it was quite right of the esteemed messieurs Bulmahn and Jacobs to put them out of their misery.

KaeYoss wrote:

Asgetrion wrote:

I will personally report every poster who seriously participates in this discussion in the next five or six years to our beloved Inquisitors and those nice fellows from the Order of the Rack...

No you won't! Revisions are Good! They are Right! Look at how we revise history books all the time, to take them closer to the Truth!

Just look how current history books are a mess, how they falsely portray Andoran as anything other than a dangerous den of thieves and troublemakers.

Ah, but you have it wrong, Kae; it has always been that way! It's a laughable idea spread by those pathetic revolutionists and envious Taldans that our beloved Majestrix -- or her blessed, faithful servants -- would need to tamp... er, revise history. All those history books that contain alternate versions of events are just works of heretics and exist because they were confiscated by our righteous Inquisitors and Hellknights, who only wish to uphold the truth and law and order, and protect our glorious nation from the lies of our bitter, lesser neighbors!

Yet, even those blasphemous works do not deny the well-known, universally-recognised facts that Andoran is nothing more than a den of thieves or troublemakers and that Taldor is nothing more than a rapidly declining empire of degenerate, inbred fools whose main hobby is perfuming their flea-ridden wigs! ;P

You are of course completely correct, sir, that the many scribes and sages at work this very day across the length and breadth of Cheliax are seeking only to root out unpleasant and malicious propaganda supported by Cheliax's enemies, which is horribly biased and completely at odds with the proper version of events.

Muahahahahah!
<Bellowing with renewed vigour, pursues her out of the thread.>

<Drawing on the hatred and anger of recent posts.>
Rah, raah, raaarrrgh!
<Octopus explodes in a flash of supernatural infernal fire, crumbling to ash.>

<staggers in, an octopus attached to his face, and pursued by a strange woman in a coral dress wielding a jellyfish like a whip>
In before the lock!

Nstrivaxon, the Cunning wrote:

Lucinda Darkeyes wrote:

Nstrivaxon, the Cunning wrote:

I would like to see more instances of Paizo subscribing to the ethos of Cheliax and 'correcting' history.

Absent-mindedly slaps the devil across the face with a pseudonatural octopus.

You! Hurhk! Struggling with octopus. All coy and demure, pretending you were just another Chelaxian lass. Just wait till I get my talons on you, Ilsandra!

Absently toying with a jellyfish.

Why, good sir, I fear you mistake me for someone else. Possibly me. If that makes any sense.

With the octopus only half removed and having to maneuver to avoid the lash like tentacles of the jellyfish, the devil heads out of the thread, pursued by and pursuing Lucinda. The fight moves off somewhere else...

Nstrivaxon, the Cunning wrote:

I would like to see more instances of Paizo subscribing to the ethos of Cheliax and 'correcting' history.

Absent-mindedly slaps the devil across the face with a pseudonatural octopus.

You! Hurhk! Struggling with octopus. All coy and demure, pretending you were just another Chelaxian lass. Just wait till I get my talons on you, Ilsandra!

I would like to see more instances of Paizo subscribing to the ethos of Cheliax and 'correcting' history.

Majuba wrote:

Lisa Stevens wrote:

Unfortunately, I can't answer this question due to NDAs. I could probably come up with 10 or so, but all of them would break confidentiality. So I think I will have to pass on this question. :)

-Lisa

So fair to say most of your #1-#10 are related to deals Paizo made with other companies. That's interesting in itself.

I want to know Gary's #1 thing he wishes Paizo hadn't done... create a messageboard? :)

Not necessarily other companies.

-Lisa

[joke post]

I told ya, it's CLOWN Royal. :)

On behalf of my clients, Clown Royal, entertainers to Baron Bomburst of Vulgaria, I am instructed to present you with a Cease and Desist Order to remove the dice bag image from your blog. If you do not, then the Childcatcher will be sent around to make you cry and otherwise Be Really Sorry.

However in return for an appropriate payment, the Baron may be minded to permit you to resume use of the image of a Clown Royal dice bag.

Post regarding the reveal of information at an event which only a handful of messageboard posters attended. Continued repartee of jokes which started at said event. Exclamation of the word "Awesome."

Post by corporate lawyer announcing that his 'clients' are 'quietly interested' in assuming control of the event and turning it into a multi-million dollar moneyspinner for the benefit of their board of directors and shareholders.

A number of baatezu are spotted a short way off from the gates of the Sanctum apparently discussing something, but when Sunny G sends out someone to investigate them, they make themselves scarce.
A short while later the politician is discovered to have vanished.
There is a note which it looked like he was writing where he was last seen which starts:
'My dear Sir,
I must apologise for the unpleasant'
...and it abruptly ends there.

Well you see that that message gets through to your employer.
The visitor seems more amused than intimidated.
Because I've delivered to you all the fair warning that the rules require that we in Hell have to do.
He turns and departs.

Well contractually I'm not supposed to disclose it, unless asked, but since you do ask, the fiend smiles, apparently enjoying himself, the alias he is more commonly known by these days is Gumbal Merryweather, and he is a politician. It's not the name he signed in blood on his contract, of course, when he sold his soul to us some years back, and which contract, incidentally, is how we can be so certain that he is here at the moment.
If he fails to turn up for work, within the period I mentioned, he will be in potential breach of his contract, and we will be entitled to send fiends with knives and hooks - my apologies, did I really just say that? - I mean with well-reasoned arguements to find out just why he has been detained. Quite a few fiends, I would say, looking at the size of this place. In the event of such an investigation proving necessary we would be prepared to pay out whatever value our experts put on any damage done during it, although the paperwork might take some years to sort out and such a payout would not be inflation linked...

Message? Well yes. We in the infernal regions are a bit concerned about a Bazaar employee of ours who appears to have taken an unplanned holiday to this place, and we would like to see him back at his desk in the Bazaar within the next three days. You can relay that message to your master. He should know what we mean.

(edited)
He's been greeted in the past by chaos-beasts flanked by death slaadi, so a little chaos symbol is a minor social affront which says to him that you're likely being deliberately rude, but not that shocking.
He stops counting under his breath.
Dear me. You do take your time here to answer the door. I trust that your guests on vacation are not so treated?

The fiend waits politely for the gate to be answered, buffing his claws and counting under his breath.

Resplendent in infernal regalia a high-ranking fiend strolls up to the gates of the Sanctum of the Sun. He politely pulls the bell-pull at the gates, then stands back a couple of paces to wait.