Tales From The Drift: Live Audition Extreme!

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

Attention: Zo!

I’ve attached files containing the transcript of Live Audition Extreme! along with the raw footage you requested and a few post-production versions. Essentially, we have two options to choose from for our pilot episode. The first is uncut footage shot on Kelikazord. Second, we have a cut that removes all unscripted content related to the on-site translator malfunction. Which version to utilize is ultimately your decision, but after talking with the other producers, they think the unedited footage could be a fun way to spin the unpredictable nature of the program. I’m available to meet whenever you’re ready to share your thoughts.

Sincerely,
Wazasha Kevir
Executive Assistant & Co-Producer
Zo! Media Productions

[Begin transcript]

Zo!: Aaaaaand action! Who’s ready for an extreme casting call?! For today’s special broadcast, we’re here on scenic planet Kelikazord recruiting the next team of superstars for our mega-hit series, Live Adventure Extreme! Everything about this world, including the ground we’re standing on right now, is one hundred percent alive. Now that’s extreme! The weather’s mostly sunny, but we’ve got some cloud cover rolling in—our orbital scans tell us those green clouds are highly toxic gases. Good thing I don’t need to breathe, am I right? But you’re not here for a weather report, are you, dear viewers? It’s about time to meet our contestants. Let’s see if they have what it takes to become the next Extreme Adventurers! Alright, folks, why don’t you introduce yourselves to our audience back home? Contestant Number One, you’re up first. Tell us your name and why you want to be on the show.

Alien #1: (Speaking alien language)

Zo!: What’s that? Wait a minute, the translator’s not working. Wazasha, get the field-tech team on this ASAP, will you?

Wazasha: I’m already on it.

Zo!: Excellent! I knew I could count on you.

Wazasha: Watch where you’re pointing those finger guns, boss.

(Zo! laughs)

Zo!: Haha, safety first, you got it. Now where was I? Right! As I was saying, today we’re here for an eeeeeeexclusive first-contact scenario with some up-and-coming reality stars from the Vast looking to break into the Pact Worlds scene! That’s right! We’re here with three representatives of cultures never before encountered in the Pact Worlds, folks, and they’re ready to show you what they’re made of!

Alien #2: (Speaking alien language)

Zo!: Oh, I can tell they’re building up to something big! Contestant Number Two here seems like a real pro, you can just tell by the way they move that they’ve got some serious combat training. Ex-military, maybe?

Wazasha (muffled): They’re just standing around, Zo!

Zo!: Let’s get the cameras in there, then. That might spice things up.

(Buzzing and whirring sounds, followed by a series of clicks)

Zo!: See now, what did I tell you?

(Deep rumbling and growling sounds)

All Aliens: (Yelling in alien language)

Zo!: —that thing!

(Loud bestial roar)

Wazasha: What is that?

Zo!: That, Wazasha, is the talent! Feast your eyes upon today’s obstacle, folks. As tall as a Vercite skyscraper, it’s a horrific sight beyond your wildest nightmares! Look at those horns, those teeth! It could tear any of us in half just like snapping a toothpick. Oh, it’s extreme, all right. And our three brave contestants are going to take it down!

(Roaring, followed by frantic yelling in alien language, grunts, and combat sounds)

An undead humanoid holding a microphone stands in front of a video camera. He’s pointing at a scene behind him in which some aliens are fighting a much larger monster on a weird planet

Illustration by Geun Cheol Jang from Starfinder Galaxy Exploration Manual

Zo!: Oh, look at that. Number Two’s charging right in there. It’s a good thing they’ve got that armor, because those teeth look nasty. Contestants One and Three are setting up for some extreme teamwork. Whoa! Three boosted One right up to smack the beast in the face with her blade. Ouch, that looked like it hurt! Our three contestants just scored first blood!

(Howling, then a resounding thud)

Zo!: The beast retaliates! Wow, Contestant Number Three went flying. I hope she’s okay! We’ll have our medical team take a look after the fight. Oh, there goes One ripping into the monster’s leg. Way to fight back, One!

(Grunting and yelling in alien language.)

Wazasha: Translator’s back online.

Zo!: Excellent! Now we can get some extreme reactions from our contestants. Alright, Number Two, can you tell me about your team’s combat strategy?

Alien #2 (panting): I thought this was a casting call!

Alien #1 (wincing): Yeah, we prepared a traditional Kelikan opera for—oh no, it’s coming, dodge!

Alien #2: Thanks! It almost took my head off with that hit.

Alien #1: We thought we were auditioning for a variety show.

Zo!: What an extreme miscommunication! But I’m sure Kelikan opera is lovely. Why don’t you go ahead and share that performance with the audience?

Alien #2: We need Uaya to sing the bassline, and she’s out cold.

Zo!: Wazasha?

Wazasha (sighing heavily): I’m already on it, boss.

(Sound of a trigger clicking)

Alien #3: Huh? What happened? Did we get the part?

Alien #1: The smiling dead man wants us to sing now.

Alien #3: While we’re fighting this thing?!

Aliens #1 and #2: Yes.

Zo!: You betcha! Three, you should be feeling pretty spry right about now. My assistant just shot you with AbadarCorp’s new “Get Up ‘N’ Go” serum, a healing and enhancing vitamin cocktail, available at pharmacy superstores near you! Alright Contestant Number Three, hit us with that beautiful bassline.

Alien #3 (clearing throat): Here goes. And a one, two, three—

Alien Beast: If they actually start singing, I’m done here.

Alien #2: Wait, the monster we’re fighting can talk, too?

Alien Beast: And how do you think I negotiated my contract? I possess the powers of speech, but it seems you drew conclusions about my intellect based on my physical appearance. How rude. Now listen here, Zo!, my agent said I could be on your show if I beat up these weaklings. I took one of them out and you woke her up to belt out showtunes? Preposterous. I’m calling my agent.

(Sounds of alien beast stomping off)

Zo!: What a wild turn of events! A ferocious fight to the death gives way to a surprise musical performance, starring our three remaining contestants. You don’t want to miss it, folks. But first, let’s hear a word from our sponsor: AbadarCorp, makers of the new “Get Up ‘N’ Go” serum!

[end transcript]

About the Author

Jenny Jarzabski is a longtime freelance writer and the Starfinder Society Developer at Paizo. She writes adventures and rules for Pathfinder and Starfinder, in addition to some weird fiction of her own. She is just as likely to be found on the trails or at the climbing wall as delving the word mines or gamemastering at a convention. You can follow Jenny’s real-life adventures on Twitter at @jenjski.

About Tales from the Drift

The Tales from the Drift series of web-based flash fiction provides an exciting glimpse into the setting of the Starfinder Roleplaying Game. Written by members of the Starfinder development team and some of the most celebrated authors in tie-in gaming fiction, the Tales from the Drift series promises to explore the worlds, alien cultures, deities, history, and organizations of the Starfinder setting with engaging stories to inspire Game Masters and players alike.

More Paizo Blog.
Tags: Galaxy Exploration Manual Starfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Tales from the Drift Web Fiction
Grand Lodge Contributor

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Huzzah! Great piece, Jenny!

Scarab Sages

Oh, ZO! does it again :D


Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Buahahahahaha! That rascal Zo! keeping everybody on their motor appendages


2 people marked this as a favorite.

I read Zo!’s lines in Handsome Jack’s voice.

Second Seekers (Jadnura)

Awesome! We need more Zo!

Scarab Sages

Great stuff!!!


Pathfinder Card Game, Rulebook, Starfinder Accessories, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
VerBeeker wrote:
I read Zo!’s lines in Handsome Jack’s voice.

Same.


Pathfinder Lost Omens, Rulebook Subscriber; Starfinder Superscriber

My characters want to know if AbadarCorp brand Get Up ‘N’ Go serum is legal for society play.

Paizo Employee Organized Play Developer

6 people marked this as a favorite.
Were-wraith wrote:
My characters want to know if AbadarCorp brand Get Up ‘N’ Go serum is legal for society play.

Sadly, the product was recalled following the release of Live Audition Extreme! and is scheduled for a new round of clinical trials. Major side effects have included an excessive amount of hype and impulsive urge to make finger guns.

Radiant Oath

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Companion, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber
VerBeeker wrote:
I read Zo!’s lines in Handsome Jack’s voice.

I've always mentally heard Tim Curry's voice.

Silver Crusade

Wazasha does not get enough credit for putting up with Zo!'s televisual shenanigans.


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber
Archpaladin Zousha wrote:
VerBeeker wrote:
I read Zo!’s lines in Handsome Jack’s voice.
I've always mentally heard Tim Curry's voice.

Personally I read that in Varrick's voice from Legend of Korra.

Dataphiles

Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Subscriber

Ha! I love it!

*Finger guns*

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