“SMASH R.P.G.,” a Femme/Slash episode ((COMPLETED)) (Inactive)

Game Master Legendary Sidekick

• Prologue: “Vermilion is the New Orange”
Post at least once!
Light up the room?
Watch SMASH R.P.G. Were you not entertained?
Go to sleep. Nightie knight!

• Act I: “Eastward to the Western Edge”
Commence flashback!
Encounter ships! Alvin, Simon, Theodore… NOOOO!

• Act II: “Total Carnage! They Love It!”
SMASH R.P.G. Room #1: “Prison Break!” Yes, they ARE entertained!
Room #2: “The @$$ #*£€”
Room #3: “All Foxed Up” Foxy femmes!
Room #4: “The Circle of Ligers”
Room #5: “The Elephant in the Room” R.I.P., Drumbo?
Room #6: “Knights, Chimera, ACTION!!”
Room #7: “Just a Slice”
Room #8: “Candlelight” ☀️SHINE GET!
Room #9: “Icing Climber”
Room #10: “Fey Might Be Giants” And what are we gonna do unless they are?
Boss: “Big B” SMASH’d!!

• Act III: “Max Madness”
Choose your path. Happy Belated VeggieFest?
Get a room, you four!
R&R @ B&B Nothing good on HV!
Make some sorta plan!
Set up an ambush on the Tethered Isle—and STRUCK!
Vs. Crow T. Clown

• Epilogue: “Amazons . . . in . . . SPAAAACE!”

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Fortitude defense: 1d8 ⇒ 8

Cassi remains in her petite form, as nonthreatening a figure as you can imagine. She looks very vulnerable and confused and out of place among our other heroes.

As they hear the pounding on the wall, she moves toward the sound, putting her hand on the wall. As it cracks and bursts forward, she steps aside and calls Castra forth.

The cloud of dust obscures her from sight as her swords appear in her hands.

She's ready.

Betty is still sluggish from the sleep. Before she knows fully well what's going on, a chunk of bricks and mortar smack her in the face. The red flush on her cheeks is now a bright red glow, which matches the fires in her eyes. Who DARES disturb her rest! The chubby girl gets up, grabs the nearest weapon and stands ready.

Betty rolled a 2 in Discord.
Betty ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Cassie ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Illuria ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Zindarel ♥️♥️♥️
No magic!

Alarms blare, drowning out some sort of action music and the cheers of the studio audience. Red strobes light the white stripes on the jailbird suits.

The nearest trio of men wields hammers. They pause, only able to find two targets—then rush Betty in a frenzy, oblivious to Illuria and Cassie!
No need to defend, Betty! With two allies hidden, no melee enemy can get in that jail without getting attacked first!

Two trios remain outside. One has the two men on the ends holding up chains with iron balls on them. The other, dumbbells in one hand of each end man, and an enormous barbell held up by the middle man.

The cowboy-hatted silhouette fires his boom-stick at the fairy!
@Zindarel, roll reflex (d8) to dodge!
• [1-2] you get hit!
• [3+] you don’t get hit!
@Everyone, take action (d12)!
• [3-5] you drop a grunt / scathe the warden
• [6-9] you drop two grunts / wound the warden
• [10+] you wipe out a trio / drop the warden

attack: 1d12 ⇒ 5

Holding tightly on a splintered plank from her bed, Betty swings it wildly at the men rushing into her cell.

Sword attack: 1d12 ⇒ 1

Unfortunately, as they rush in, the only evidence of Castra’s presence is a flash of light from her blades and an eddy in the dust as it obscures her targets from her sight as much as it hides her from theirs.

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 9

One of the men pauses in his attack to look down at a sword sticking out of his chest. He slumps out of frame to reveal Illuria. She pulls her cutlass free and spins it around to slash at another.

Reflex: 1d8 ⇒ 5

Zindarel dodge-rolls across the floor, avoiding the shotgun blast! She comes up in a crouch and hurls a handful of shuriken at the warden, but her aim is off!

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 1

Betty ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Cassie ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Illuria ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
Zindarel ♥️♥️♥️

Betty swings a broken board at the hammer men! The board slaps one end-man in the face, bounces and stooge-slaps the other two! The last to get hit gags as blood sprays from his splintered throat. He drops his hammer on the middle man, who hops in pain, elbowing the other endman in the chin. “Why don’t ya watch where he’s going, ya numbskull?!” The other endman wheezes in reply as he falls to his knees, clasping his throat which actually makes his grave injury worse.

The billowing dust that obscures Cassie from the enemy obscures them from her. Her blade finds no target… yet.

Zindarel’s throwing stars also miss their mark, but the fairy dodges the shotgun blast!

Illuria takes down the remaining hammer guys!

The remaining grunts form a wall in front of the warden as he reloads!
TAKE ACTION! You need a 3+ to hit a grunt, 6+ to hit the warden while there are more than three grunts still alive.
Exception: Zindarel can hit the warden with a 3+ since she can fly.

Zindarel springs off of the ground, a pair of kunais sliding out from her sleeves and into her hands! Her wings flap as she flies over the grunts’ heads and charges the warden as he reloads!

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 10

She drives both of her blades into his throat!

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Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Illuria's snakes rise up and writhe around her shoulders and neck, hissing and snapping at anyone getting close (except for her allies -- though Zindarel probably doesn't like the way some of them look at her). She presses the attack with her cutlass -- a short, rugged sword that gives her lots of control for fighting in close quarters.

Carnage!: 1d12 ⇒ 5

“What a firefight!” the M.C. yells, firing up the crowd as the warden falls. “Our winged warrior is the Littlest Angel of Death! It’s not the size of the blade that matters—”

The M.C. cuts himself off, focusing on the man swinging his ball and chain. Illuria guts him. The iron ball falls limp from its gyration onto his skull with a crack. His eyes bulge from his concave head.

“Ooh! That’s worse than my hangover!”

The crowd’s laughter drowns out whatever enraged threats of vengeance are being roared by your five remaining foes.

Splinter Shower: 1d12 ⇒ 3

In her blind rage, Betty thrusts the most splintered part of her board in the general direction of the wall of men. She slips slightly as another board under one of her feet slides away.

Betty hurls her broken board like a spear, giving the other ball-and-chain guy an eyeful of splinters. He falls screaming.

Audiences don’t like hearing suffering, so M.C. Bastardom distracts them. “She killed him with her spear and magic helmet!”

One guy in the crowd (a plant, you might suspect) sings out, “SpEaR aNd MaGiC hElMeT?”

He’s off key, but the M.C. plays through the corny preplanned routine, “Yeeeeeessss, maaaaagiiiiiic hellllllmmmmeeet!” and the studio audience sings along—

“She’s going to kill the” (garbled), “Kill The” (Garbled), “KILL THE” (GARBLED)

—but they can’t seem to agree on whether to sing Rabbit or Wabbit or Jailbird or Chainguy or Mumble, and some just hum Ride of the Valkyrie and manage to f@$! that up too.

Bastardom groans, “Worse than a hangover with a cracked skull.”

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 8

A dervish spins out of the cloud, her brightly-colored costume a blur, as she holds one blade high and another low. Controlling the speed of her spin by extending and retracting her arms like a figure skater, one blade slashes a man’s brow. As blood flows down his face, obscuring his vision, he swings wildly, but she is no longer there. Half a step and two full rotations later, her razor-sharp blade opens his partner just above the belt line and he falls like a rag doll with a moan.

Cassie takes out two of the weightlifters! Of the two surviving grunts, each is chained to two bodies!

“Amazing job, ladies! They won’t be chasing you if they know what’s goo—”

As the M.C. suggests moving on, the man with the dumbbell tries to bash Cassie!
@Cassie, d6 reflex to dodge!
[1-2] Take damage!
[3-5] No effect.
[6+] You impale him for his foolishness (AND can take action against the only other foe!

The man with a dead man chained to each wrist lunges forward onto Illuria! He throws his beefy arms into the attack, attempting to smother her under a pile of bodies!
@Illuria, d8 fortitude!
[1-2] You are buried under the weight of these men, and unable to TAKE ACTION for this round!
[3-5] No effect.
[6+] You impale him for his foolishness (AND can take action against the only other foe!

@Betty/Zindarel, take action!

M.C. Bastardom laughs. “Look at the chain guy move with two bodies AND two iron balls weighing him down. Our Draggin Ballz sponsor will not be pleased! But hey, this is what happens when you let prisoners spend all day in the weight room.”

The audience apparently finds the M.C. hilarious.

1d6 ⇒ 5

Castra steps inside the man’s overhead bash and his attempt does nothing except expose his soft belly to her blades.

With a cold smile, her blades flash again, but sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good - and he’s very lucky.

1d12 ⇒ 1

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Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Fortitude: 1d8 ⇒ 8

Illuria steps close and stabs the man in the throat before he can bring his arms around with any accuracy. She evades the body-laden chain like a swinging boom and...

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 12

... with a flick of her wrist sends her cutlass across the room and into the eye socket of the remaining enemy.

"Right, then. These 'lubbers want a show? We'll give them a show.

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!" she calls out as she retrieves her sword.

M.C. Bastardom is never without a witty line for a great kill. But the man can read a crowd, and right now he knows the best line is to just shut up.

The crowd goes wild! The alarm and the music are stopped so only the sounds of the crowd are heard. The north wall displays the standing ovation from the studio audience. There’s a replay of Betty’s spear throw, Cassie’s double-kill, Zindarel’s melee against the reloading warden, and finally, not the kill… but the cold, calm look in Illuria’s eye as she tosses her blade, while her gutted grappler stumbles in slow-mo and falls dead in the blurry background.

Only now does the M.C. speak up. It’s not the condescending “re - spect” from earlier. The respect is very apparent in Bastardom’s tone. “Smash fans. This is the captain who defeated Captain Stonefist. Anyone have a problem with that?”

There’s a murmur. There’s a lot of murmurs. The crowd isn’t sure where the M.C.’s going with this.

“I hope for your sakes you don’t. Because these ladies are starting strong! Pray they finish that way—as you CHEER ‘EM ON TO THE NEXT ROOM!”

The audience cheers wildly! The crowd is definitely entertained and it’s no mystery whose side they’re on.

The M.C. now calls Illuria by name, “Captain Euryale! There are two doors to choose from, same as you saw in this morning’s game. Once you open one door, the other will lock. The choice is yours, ladies.”

The door to the East is marked YESTERDAY LAND. The door to the south is marked ANIMAL KINGDOM. Choose a door!

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Illuria leans toward the opening and has her snakes peek out into the chamber beyond. They hiss softly and she looks for herself.

"Looks clear," she whispers to the others. "How is everyone?"

After giving Cassi, Betty, and Zindarel a chance to catch their breath, Illuria steps into the next chamber. "We might have been given a hint earlier. Should we try the Animal Kingdom?"

At the door NOT chosen, a bunch of spinning saw blades emerge from slits in the floor and ceiling. There is an identical slitted floor and ceiling by the door our heroines are now stepping through, but one might guess that opening one door sets the other’s trap.

“Ah, good. They didn’t try opening both doors at the same time. Nothing ruins a good smash-fest more than watching half the party lose their right arm to the damn doors!”

And so our heroines step into the next room. The door slams shut behind as they set foot on the upper step of a very long, steep stairway, which almost predictably form into a slide.
Roll Reflex saves!
• [1-2] you slide but take no damage.
• [3+] you enter on your own terms.
• Zindarel, no need to roll!

Whether they leap over the side, slide outta control, slide IN control or fly, enemies gradually enter the fighting pit. From the waist up, the pit-fighters are men. From the waist down, they are what… donkeys?

“Welcome to the Ass HoIe! Let the satyr pit fight begin!”

Take action! d12 only, no magic yet!

Slide: 1d4 ⇒ 3
Action: 1d12 ⇒ 4

Being quick enough to grab the stairs-annex-slide's banister, it can't quite handle Betty's weight. It slows Betty's slide down, but she does end up with a good piece of it in her hand, which she waves in front of her like a feather duster.

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Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Reflex: 1d6 ⇒ 5

Illuria slides down the ramp in control, hitting the ground with hardly a stumble. As the goat men approach, she holds up her blood-slicked cutlass.

"All right, boys. No sense in faun-ing over me all at once. You'll each get a turn."

Action: 1d12 ⇒ 5

I misunderstood and rolled the d12 at the beginning. My Reflex roll is second.

Action: 1d12 ⇒ 1

Castra isn't looking at the steps and completely misses the change as the slide forms. She goes headfirst down the slide and spends a moment getting to her feet, face flushed and furious.

Reflex: 1d8 ⇒ 1

Cassie does not make the most graceful entrance, but Betty and Illuria control their descent, and skid to a halt in front of their fallen teammate.

“Ooohh…!” is the crowd’s reaction. They are a mean crowd.

Betty snaps off the end of the bannister. Illuria makes a taunt. Both wait. Both smack the first two swordsmen to step up.

Zindarel flutters down, but is too high up for the melee fighters to stop her.

@Zindarel, you can make a ranged attack vs. a satyr:
[3-5] wound one
[6-9] wound one badly, or drop one that’s already wounded
[10+] kill one

Three of the satyrs charge our heroines!
@Illuria, d8 Fort to withstand the force!
@Betty, d6 Fort to be too damn heavy to move!
[1-2] Get pushed back and take damage!
[3-5] No effect!
[6+] The enemy stumbles into a vulnerable position!

The center satyr leaps high up, intent on crushing Cassie with his hooves!
@Cassie, d6 Reflex to dodge!
[1-2] Get hit!
[3-5] Dodge!
[6] Sidestep into a good striking position!

[1-2] Miss
[3-5] wound
[6-9] wound / kill if enemy is vulnerable or wounded
[10+] kill

The remaining satyr calls out*, “Where’s the damn assotaur?”
*(in his dying breath if Brainiac’s d12 killed a guy)

Out comes a sort of minotaur, but while he’s a bull from the neck up, he’s still an ass from his ass down. On his manly chest is a bandolier of bullets. He fires a machine gun with an attached grenade launcher at the fairy!

Zindarel??? d8 Reflex to get the hell outta the way!
[1-2] Take a lot of damage!
[3+] Take none!
TAKE ACTION (even if you’re hit)
If you attack the Assotaur:
[1-2] Miss
[3+] Hit… even a roll of 10+ won’t one-hit-kill!
• Important Detail: are you attacking ranges or up close?

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Fortitude: 1d8 ⇒ 7

Illuria repels the charge. Her snakes are up and hissing with their hoods flared.

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 1

Unfortunately, she doesn't want to spill the ale in the one satyr's hands so she falters in her counterattack.

Dodge: 1d6 ⇒ 3

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 4

Castra rolls to her feet, shoulder-checking the off-balance satyr with her left and striking out with her right-hand sword, trying to hamstring the goat-man.

Zindarel throws her stars from the sky!
1d12 ⇒ 1

But they do not hit their mark!

Oh! A bull-horned man with the ass of an ass unleashes hell on the little one!
1d8 ⇒ 2
Oh! The poor little thing!

Barely clinging onto life, the littlest assassin dives straight at her foe and strikes true!
1d12 ⇒ 11
But he is strong like… well, like bull.

The Assotaur drops his spent weapon of death. His eyes flare. Echoing about the pit is the beating of drums!

• Betty ♥️♥️♥️♥️
• Cassie ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
• Illuria ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
• Zindarel ♥️

Fort: 1d6 ⇒ 3
Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 4
Big Boned Betty digs her heels into the ground. She's not planning to be pushed back. It would mean having to walk those extra steps. Imagine that, having to take unnecessary steps! The blow pushes her upper body backwards, and when she recovers, she heaves the banister downwards at whichever asspants is in front of her.

Is it the wild drumming? Or does the audience cheer wildly because all nine fighters are still standing?

Betty’s foe and Zindarel look ready to drop from a strong breeze, and Zindarel’s opponent has taken more damage than he dished out!

The poor little fairy is surrounded! She tries to dodge as the big guy grabs at her, but…
Defense!: 1d8 ⇒ 3
…the satyr with the beer sloshes his drink on her, wetting her wings just enough to slow her down. The Assotaur snorts as he holds the tiny assassin in his beefy hand…

The pouncy satyr takes a hit to the leg, so he strikes back with his horns!
@Cassie, d8 Fort to not get pushed!
[1-2] hit and forced to stay with this enemy!
[3+] not hit and can attack whoever you want!

Illuria’s foe tries to kick her!
@Iluria, d6 Reflex to dodge!
[1-2] hit
[3+] not hit
You can attack any foe regardless!

Betty’s foe looks ready to drop. His attack is ineffective!

Everyone but Zindarel, TAKE ACTION (d12)

As our heroines fight, the Assotaur whips the fairy at Betty!

@Betty, d4 Reflex to catch!
[1-2] Get hit - no damage to you
[3+] Catch Zindarel - no damage to her either!

Defend: 1d4 ⇒ 3
Catch fairy stunt: 1d12 ⇒ 9

After years of practice catching bags of potato chips falling off her couch, Betty off-handedly paws the flying fairy out of the sky without breaking eye contact with her attacker. Like a real matador, she sidesteps her attacker's lunge, fairy safely in her pudgy fingers. Her jiggling belly guides the failed attack further past her.

Held in hand like a remote control, Zindarel retaliates—
Fairy Retaliation!: 1d12 ⇒ 11
—and whips a volley of throwing stars at the one opponent that can shoot her from the sky!

The Assotaur falls flat on his back, star-spangled chest gleaming as he draws his sidearm and fires one last shot at the ceiling.

The crowd cheers.

“What a team!” Bastardom shouts!

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Reflex: 1d6 ⇒ 2

Illuria gets distracted by a member of her crew's plight, and is unable to dodge the swift kick from the ass.

Her snakes deliver a chorus of enraged hisses, then all clamp down on the offending satyr.

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 8
Venom is injected into his veins and he is soon swelling like an overripe melon.

Avoid the horns!: 1d8 ⇒ 4

Attack: 1d12 ⇒ 6

Castra deftly sidesteps the butthe… headbutt, but doesn’t quite deliver on her attack as theatrically as she’d hoped. With his head down presenting those lovely handles, she tosses her blades in the air with a flourish and grabs his horns and twists his head - hard! - before throwing him face first into the pavement.

Holding her hands up in victory as his face bounces off the floor, her blades land in her hands as if that was the plan all along. Because it was.

Illuria and Cassie finish their foes spectacularly! The two remaining satyrs look at each other and flee up the ramp, hooves clacking clumsily!

“Oh! Leaving so soon?” Bastardom says with a laugh. “Well ladies, you can finish them or head to the next room. Up to you.”

The door to the east is open.

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

Midsection still smarting and being overprotective of her crew, Illuria stomps on the grenade launcher to point its barrel in the direction of the fleeing satyrs. She reaches down and hauls on the giant trigger to lob an explosive after them.

1d12 ⇒ 7

"Good riddance," she says slightly out of breath. She smooths her serpentine coils as she composes herself.

"Next room, I suppose. Betty, keep an eye on Zindarel, please. I'm not losing any of my crew."

Zindarel groans in pain, but fortunately, she has Betty's pillowy belly to snuggle against. "So soft..." she mutters weakly.

Eight limbs and four horns and countless chunks fly from the explosion.

“To bad rubbish!” Bastardom cheerfully bellows.

The crowd is loving every bit of it. The North Wall displays a close-up of Zindarel safely snuggled against Betty’s belly, followed by a standing ovation and some relieved expressions. As sick and twisted as this gameshow is, the crowd is on the contestants’ side!


In the next room is hot spring and a nerdy little kitsune.

“Oh good, you got my message,” he says. His voice is that of the nerdy guy who delivered the weapons earlier. “That or… heh… there was a fifty percent chance you’d go this way anyway.”

It’s obvious he isn’t going to attack you.

As you approach the kitsune, perhaps with caution—as you well should in a gameshow in which everyone so far has attempted to kill you!—particles of dust around Zindarel begin to give off a golden glow.

Betty also senses her connection to magic is not quite so weak as she breathes in the steam from the bubbling waters! The waters look dangerously hot, spewing steam as thick as storm clouds. The room smells of a titan’s flatulence, and yet… the further inward Betty and Zindarel step, the stronger the magic within them grows!

Zindarel extracts herself from Betty's embrace and cautiously limps closer to the hot spring. She breathes in the steam, hoping it has therapeutic effects.

The steam alone has a limited effect. Zindarel feels her body heal, but not completely. She is wise enough in the ways of self-preservation to assume diving into the boiling water would make her condition considerably worse.

The nerdy fox says, “Aww, I’m glad it’s working. Heh… uhh…” He looks around nervously. “Okay, there isn’t much time… cameras are off; our sponsors are really hoping you’ll do a shot for Foxy Fixx.” He holds up a four-pack of a canned beverage with a cartoon kitsune on it.

The nerd suddenly becomes his normal self. “You’ll look like kitsune, but it’ll just be a special effect. Pose or say something witty as you sip the drink, okay?” He points to Zindarel, whose wounds continue to gradually heal from the steam. “It’s canned water from the healing spring. You could just drink it without the pose or the words… but make this look good, and I might be able to get another sponsor on board.”

He somehow reactivates the magitech, making himself a kitsune —and YOU as well! But you appear as your normal selves, with holographic fox ears and fox tails. Oddly, Betty is especially proficient in controlling her tail. Zindarel can move hers quite easily, but the holographic tail somehow ‘knows’ not to wag through her wings. Illuria and Cassie may have difficulty controlling their tails.

The nerdy fox leaves the healing drinks on the ground.
Drinking them will increases your status to:
• Betty ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️/☀️
• Cassie ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
• Illuria ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
• Zindarel ♥️♥️♥️♥️/☀️

“You get three takes, ladies! Look good so I can call up more sponsors!”

Willpower controls your holographic tail!
• Betty d8
• Cassie/Illuria d4
• Zindarel d6
[1-2] The tail has a mind of its own!
[3+] The tail does exactly what you want it to, as if it were a real tail!

TAKE ACTION! (d12) Pull a stunt as you pose or say a line!
[1-2] You will not impress a sponsor. Try again!
[3+] Adequate, awesome or somewhere between!
You get 3 takes max! (That’s three d12 rolls!)

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Tail wag: 1d8 ⇒ 1
Pose or line: 1d12 ⇒ 7

Laying down into what Betty thinks is an irresistibly sexy pose, but actually looks like a fat chick laying in a couch watching TV, she takes a sip and says:

"Foxy Fixx for foxy femmes!"

Throwing in a wink, she downs the rest of the drink. All the while, her tail is circling around like a helicopter. It spreads the smoke above Betty, as if she just finished smoking a whole pack of cigarettes.

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Will: 1d6 ⇒ 4
Sexy no Jutsu: 1d12 ⇒ 31d12 ⇒ 12

Zindarel instinctively adapts to her new tail. She calls forth a cloud of smoke to obscure herself, and when it clears, the fairy is clad in little more than a bikini and her mask! Unfortunately, the fox tail is obscuring her the first time. Another smoke cloud conceals her briefly, and this time when it clears, Zindarel's pose is quite enticing indeed!

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Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

The pirate gives the kitsune an incredulous look. She takes up the drink with a roll of her eyes.

1d4 ⇒ 2
As it turns out, having an unruly mass of snakes for hair does nothing to prepare one for controlling a tail. It writhes and coils much like her snakes when she's not smacking them to stay in line. It doesn't help her mood.

However, when she sees the others start putting on a show for the cameras, she gamely tries herself. Holding up the can with a saccharine smile, she says, "Well, it's not rum, but it's pretty good!"
Selling: 1d12 ⇒ 4

Her snakes hiss in her ear. "All right, all right," she sighs.

Putting on a much more genuine smile, Illuria flashes some sharp teeth as she holds up the can next to her face. "When the rum is gone, and you're throat's so dry it might as well be stone, drink Foxy Fixx!" She takes a big swig from the can as her snakes look on in envy.
Selling: 1d12 ⇒ 12

She holds the pose and the smile for as long as she's able, then tosses the can over her shoulder. "All right, now I'm really ready to kill something."

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Tail Control: 1d4 ⇒ 1

The tail truly has a mind of its own, looking more like that of a cat that is hunting, waiting outside the lair of an unsuspecting rodent. It pauses for a long moment, and just when she prepares to speak, it snaps forward and covers her face, causing her to completely forget what she was about to say.

Beverage model: 1d12 ⇒ 2

Sputtering at the presence of the virtual tail before her eyes, her eyes flash and you wonder if her claims of ancient Greek origins includes some of Athena's bloodline. She takes a deep breath, tries to summon her inner Aphrodite, and gives the camera that would make Hephaestus' anvil melt.

Beverage model, take two: 1d12 ⇒ 12

She doesn't say a word, just brings the can to her lips for a long lingering sip with a smoldering look at the camera that leaves the nerdy fox feeling a little self-conscious.


In the thick steam, the nerdy guy’s edit plays before you, the sounds of sweet music playing to the beat of the bubbling spring.

Foxy Lady (trad. Korean instrument)

Zindarel appears from billowing ninja smoke, wearing her mask and little else, her skin concealed by her fox tail.

Cassie’s tail sways like a cat about to pounce.

Illuria looks as if about to kill.

“When the rum is gone, and you're throat's so dry it might as well be stone…”

Betty poses, steam rising from her left buttock, propelled by the sway of her tail.

“…drink Foxy Fixx!"

Betty in her sexy pose, sips slowly.

Cassie sips hers, eyes straight into the camera.

“Foxy Fixx for foxy femmes.”

C.U. Cassie’s smolder.

A poof of smoke obscures all… then reveals Zindarel, looking enticing as ever in her teeny bikini.

The whole ad is a crowd-pleaser. As the image of bikini-clad Zindarel fades out from the SmokeScreen, the crowd remains silent… and enthralled.

A heavyset man in a Cheeto-stained wifebeater breaks the silence. “She’s wearing more on her face than on the rest of her.”

“I’d like to wear her on my face,” says the guy next to him.

“Now you made it weird.”

Bastardom interjects, “The fairy has a six-pack! So if you wanna impress that caliber of foxy lady, go buy a six-pack of Foxy Fixx!”

The nerdy fox-guy speaks into a handheld device: “They come in four-packs, sir.”

“Then don’t be so f&#~ing cheap! Buy multiple packs!”

”I just got one at the concession stand,” says a really loud guy. He takes a swig. “It tastes like hardboiled egg, only wet!”

Wild cheers erupt, drowning out the loud guy’s fart joke (and his loud fart).

The nerd says, “I gotta make some calls. Listen… I know you aren’t war criminals. Amazons don’t attack in balloon ships. Stonefist was in the news bragging about a balloon ship he shot down, and my wife was upset, seeing those bodies hauled outta the wreckage. I mean…” He looks over his shoulder. “No time. Just win your freedom. It’s like trial by combat—even people who liked Stonefist can’t do anything if you win.

“And who would f~!$ with you anyway if you make it?”

The door to the east opens.

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

"Damn right," Illuria agrees, holding up one of the two grenades she looted from the other room. She tosses one to Betty.

"Thanks for the drink," she says to the kitsune.

@Betty, roll a d6.
@everyone else, roll a d8.
[1-5] ??? happens…
[6+] …but not to you.

1d8 ⇒ 4

Medusa pirate ♥️♥️♥️♥️☀️☀️

??? Defense: 1d8 ⇒ 5

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