What it's like when that guy in the magic shop won't stop hawking his stuff


Pathfinder RPG General Discussion


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Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

"You there! Yes, you, the burly fellow in the armor! You look like you enjoy hearing the screams of your enemies! Are you tired of being limited to one-on-one melee engagements? Are Cleave and Whirlwind Attack suboptimal choices for your precious feat slots? Do you sometimes wish that you could get those sweet AoE spells like your wizard friend has, without multiclassing?

If so, then I have the thing for you! Check out the insane deals we're having on these necklaces of fireballs! From our type I "little firecracker" to the type VII "burn baby burn," these primo magic items will let you deep fry a pack of goblins or disrespectful orphans just as well as any spell-slinger! Each necklace comes with multiple fireballs of different die ranges, guaranteeing that you'll always have the right level of lethality for the monster you're facing! They're even programmed to look like a set of ordinary beads to anyone who isn't holding them, so no one can accuse you of mage-envy!

What's that, you say? You're worried about that pesky ten-foot range increment for throwing things? Never fear! Every necklace of fireballs has a built-in enchantment that lets you throw them an astonishing seventy feet, all without so much as an attack roll, let alone a range penalty! Plus, with our safety-first guarantee, no one will be able to detach and throw these babies except you! You'd have to be Chaotic Stupid not to want them!

But wait, there's more! Did you know that a necklace of fireballs doesn't take up a magic item slot? That's right, you can wear this and still benefit from that amulet of natural armor you're counting on (we have those over in aisle three)! Where else are you going to find this much value for your hard-earned gold?! Why bother buying a wand and sinking ranks into UMD when you can use these WMDs?! There's no command words or spell triggers needed, just throw 'em and blow 'em away!

Just pay the listed price and try to avoid magical fire attacks and be the envy of all your linear fighter friends today!"


That was awesome.


How would you sell a cursed item like a bag of devouring?


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Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Roleplaying Game, Starfinder Society Roleplaying Guild Subscriber

By labeling it "garbage disposal."

Silver Crusade

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Boomerang Nebula wrote:
How would you sell a cursed item like a bag of devouring?

By putting it in a box with a hole on top.

No longer have to worry about where your poop goes


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If you're trying to sell a bag of devouring you never thought to give it to the rogue as its new garrote wire. Sneak up on mob, place bag on mobs head, ???, profit!


That..that...that's brilliant.

Dark Archive

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Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

...unless the head is needed for something.

But yes, that's a clever use.

I'd see them in every affluent home as waste disposal units. They could even be used as execution devices.

"Prisoner TeeSevenThreeZero, you have been sentenced to execution by bag. May your deity have mercy on your soul."


HammerJack wrote:
By labeling it "garbage disposal."

Yes, that's good! But where is the sales pitch?


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Mystic_Snowfang wrote:
Boomerang Nebula wrote:
How would you sell a cursed item like a bag of devouring?

By putting it in a box with a hole on top.

No longer have to worry about where your poop goes

This exact thing happened once in a campaign I played in. After it ate a load of mundane gear I put in it I got annoyed and we used it as a latrine and garbage disposal for the rest of the game. I think it ate any creatures that got into it, but that GM played fast, loose, and very heavy handed with the rules. But we still used it for the occasional body disposal too.

"Tired of hauling garbage away from camp and digging a latrine every night? Well, we've got you covered! With this handy sack all you disposal needs are taken care of. Uneaten food, contents of a chamber pot, even large and potentially problematic organic waste, all gone! Come and get your personal disposal sack while supplies last! Not intended for use by children, small animals, halfings, or anything else that might be temped to hide inside it. Insert limbs at your own risk."


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Wei Ji the Learner wrote:
...unless the head is needed for something.

In that case, trip them and have their but fall in. That way you keep the head but get rid of the a$$hole.

/cevah

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