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Have fun, keep it loose, don't be afraid to hit her with monsters, keep in game relationships out of it (at least in the beginning) DO NOT overshadow the other players, everyone deserves to shine, regardless of their relationship with the GM, have fun, keep it loose, what happens in game, stays in game, be mature, and most importantly, HAVE FUN.
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Honestly, just treat them the same way you would treat any other player, if you're the GM. And if you're both playing, just stay focused on the game during sessions. Also, unless you're in a group that's cool with it, avoid PDA during play and check relationship stuff at the door.
I've both ran and played in games with my girlfriend and the easiest thing to do is treat it like any other gathering with other people.
Do not give anybody special treatment, in a positive or negative manor. Just treat them like every other player. However you should always take all of your player's thoughts and feedback into account (I do so after every session).
I have played with my girlfriend of 4 years on several occasions. She's just another player at the table. Although there is a funny story where the players were all trying to bribe me for a boon: one gave me his pizza, another offered his mountain dew, one said I could borrow his call of duty. My girlfriend just winked at me, to the groans and entertainment of the rest of the group. Good times.
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I recommend it--tabletop RPGs can take up a lot of time and if you can spend that time together, it's a lot better than if you had to schedule that time away from the other person!
There's a lot that's been said already about treating them exactly the same as anyone else and I agree with all of it, but I don't have a lot to add. It's important, though.
I've brought two significant others into my games over the years, and in both cases they were new to them. In that case, it might be best not to GM for them immediately. It can be a different experience to play for a GM you're dating/married to and understanding what "normal" is early on is, in my opinion, that's a good thing.
Along a similar vein, losing your first character can kind of suck and it's probably a little easier to sort through your reaction when you're not dating the person who "killed" them. If you're just the GM, end of discussion, then another option would be to have them GM a 1-player scenario/module/adventure for you. That'll give them perspective on what it's like on the other side of the table. Optionally, get yourself killed during it! (This particular bit of advice may not apply to all significant others, some of whom may get upset.)
I haven't had trouble with breakups in my gaming days. The worst was when a player of mine died during a campaign her husband was also playing in; we ended up taking a several-month break, I ran some unrelated modules, and we started up again with a new party. It seemed to go okay, but we lost some other players who were only interested in playing because they were her friends.
My husband was the one to introduce me to the game (as well as a few friends of mine who had been trying to get me to play for years). I am now not only a player but a GM as well (we all take turns). I have been gaming with my husband since I started, and we have also gamed with other married couples.
The best advice has been already said: don't play favorites - treat the significant other as you would any other player. I often use dice rolls to help me pick targets for my monsters as a GM if there is no obvious tactical choice and there are multiple valid targets.
Unless your group is wearing bird masks and everyone's keys are in a jar, you should likely refrain from PDA even if everyone is "cool with it". No matter how many times people say they are okay with it, kissing during games is kind of awkward or at worst distracting. As GM I have had players do this and it really messes with the mood you are attempting to cultivate, and I've been in the same room as people getting it on without being phased. It's the whole gaming atmosphere and headspace, pda disassociates one from the experience.Honestly, just treat them the same way you would treat any other player, if you're the GM. And if you're both playing, just stay focused on the game during sessions. Also, unless you're in a group that's cool with it, avoid PDA during play and check relationship stuff at the door.
I've both ran and played in games with my girlfriend and the easiest thing to do is treat it like any other gathering with other people.
Here's where I disagree. If the group is cool with it, then it shouldn't disrupt the atmosphere. I mean, the group includes the GM. And of course, try not to disrupt the atmosphere the GM is cultivating. But then again, every table is going to be different and everyone is going to bring different experiences to this thread, so I figure we should probably agree to disagree
People have issues because the "coddled" player tends to be the DM's girlfriend, and new to the game. It's not unreasonable to be a little forgiving with a new player who doesn't know the system... unless you're sleeping with her, in which case some people will explode in jealousy. If that's the situation you're in, my advice would be to have someone else run the game for a while. At the least, you'll have more time to help her with game mechanics as a player than you would as a DM.
More generally, I've played in groups where perfectly platonic friends habitually favor each other when DMing. I've been in another game where we were like, "Dude, you're going overboard to prove you're not favoring your girlfriend's PC and we wouldn't care if you did, and if you keep this up she's just going to quit."
I game with my boyfriend. As players, we often build characters who work well together, which some find cheesy. At a guess, I would assume that one group we play with would feel that he favors me when running, and the other groups wouldn't. It isn't a big issue either way.
I'm not sure how the players feel when I DM. He plays the tank and actively wants to be attacked, so.
Almost ten years gaming with my now-spouse, who joined gaming after the relationship started (soon after). No issues - as others have said, they're just another player during the game.
I've had others' breakups cause one or both to drop from the game, but I've also had both parties of a divorce continue to game as their primary contact.
Avoid drama, avoid making an issue out of it one way or another, and avoid having a player who isn't really their for the game.
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Years ago I've seen it be awkward and I used to be rather sceptical about it. Nowadays there's four different couples I frequently play with that have no problems. There may be a maturity thing involved here, or it could be that these couples are all fairly settled - some of them married.
Anyway, I agree with most of what's been said;
- No special treatment/favouritism/picking on
- He/She is in it for the game, not just to be where the other he/she is without having a clue what's going on
- No gooey stuff that makes onlookers uncomfortable
rofl
if you think I am thinking about the integrity of the group
over my relationship with my wife
you are deluded
luckily my wife is a better GM than I am
and we play nice together
so the point is moot
My wife is not a gamer, she never has been. The only TTRPG game that she has ever enjoyed is Call of Cthulhu (7E), and that was - unfortunately - a very short lived game that a friend ran.
What I've found in particular is that my wife is disengaged from fantasy stories and finds any form of turn-based combat a chore. This is the case when I'm GM-ing or when I'm player/player with her. Because of this, I always give her the option to join us for Dnd/Pathfinder, but I don't make the point of urging her to come. It doesn't fit her personality.
Recognizing this however, I have found that player/player is a better situation. This is two fold: firstly, your spouse doesn't feel like you are in opposition to each other (yes, a GM shouldn't be the opponent to his players, but any time I've had to say no to my wife in game it's upset her). Secondly, being players together lets you share in character creation, and more easily lets you share time discussing the session after.
Step one: make sure everyone is a player or a GM first, and friends/significant others/spouses second. If for some reason being a player first is a problem, do not play the game. That would be dumb.
Step two: abide all customary rules of etiquette as if you are a group of friends spending time together and enjoying a shared hobby. Because you are.
That's it. All you have to do is act like non-terrible people and handle any issues as they arise.
Though if I can offer some more semi-solicited advice, try to sucker someone else into GMing for your significant other's intro to gaming. That way, not only are not in the role of impartiality, but nobody is going to compete too hard for your attention.
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My spouse rolls crits on me as happily has he does on anyone else.... and likewise. When we first played Diablo together on the Playstation, she'd giggle each time she "accidentally" shot me in the back while playing the rouge.
Like everyone said, don't play favourites or victimise. Don't give the rest of the group the impression that you might play favourites or victimise.
Don't discuss the campaign at home in a way that gives your SO information the rest of the party doesn't have.
Don't EVER have arguments about rules calls last thing at night.
I used to be in a LRP club that banned people from reffing for their SO and it's a guideline I would apply to PFS, because playing where the rest of the table are near strangers can lead to the whole bias/perception of bias issue.
What have your experiences been with either player/player or GM/player out of game relationships? Did it affect/spill over into the game?
The one husband/wife couple I game with CANNOT play RPGs together. Not as DM/Player, & not as Player/Player.
Even though they like most of the same games, their play styles are just too different. Irritation & arguments ensue. (most)Board games, minis, & cards though are fine.They've resolved this by simply not RPGing together.
When I was in college my GF & I turned out to be in the same Vampire LARP. It was a big game - 50-60 players overall, & ran 7 nights a week (how involved you were was up to you). So it was actually possible to never meet all of the players.... Anyways we met unrelated to the game, quickly discovered that we were each gamers, compared notes....
Turns out I HAD seen (but not met) her at a few games.
She? Had no idea I was in the game. Her reaction upon learning wich character I was: "Oh my God, you're that Tremere guy!" (I was playing a character who although rarely seen by most players had ALOT of influence)
Playing with her was great. We got to see the plot(s)/effects from completely different perspectives. Eventually we started plotting together.
But as long as we played that game? Only about 5 people (our actual gamer friends)involved ever knew we were a RL couple. :)
What advice would you give a new GM if they were considering bringing their significant other into their game?
1) Don't play favorites. Or if you do? Make sure it's subtle - like fudging a dice roll now & then behind the screen, dropping a foe several HPs early, etc.
2) Don't do things in-game to get back at your SO for out-of-game things.
What to avoid and how to protect the group and integrity of the game itself?
Don't take the game too seriously.
Edit: Informal survey: Do you currently game with a spouse or significant other?
No. But I do play in a game that involves an ex-couple. They were friends for many years, tried being a couple for a few, & decided that that just wasn't going to work. So now it's back to being just close friends.
The only real effect that has on the game is that some weeks they waste an excessive amount of time BSing about personal stuff. The type of stuff that'd be better done by a phone call or going out to lunch or such.
My wife and I play. I played pen and paper games going back to the mid 80's, she started playing a few years ago. We have no issues because we don't play favorites as either player or GM. Both of us take turns as GM with campaigns and if anything we are probably a little tougher on each other than necessary just to make sure the other players know there is no collusion or special treatment.
My wife is part of my Pathfinder group. When both agree that no preferential treatment is given at the table for either of us. The game is simply that, the game. It works well, and we have successfully gamed with each other for 13 years. Both parties need to be able to recognize that what happens in the game is not a reflection on their feelings.
On the other hand, I did DM for a girlfriend back in the day that got mad whenever anything made an attack against her.
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As a player and as a DM, you are in a meaningful relationship with everyone at the table, just by being at the table. Be caring and respectful to everyone. Don't be a jerk.
When I was a teen, I could not imagine a DM not favoring their dating partner; dating partners were much rarer than DND buddies.
As an adult, I've not had any problems DM'ing my life partners or playing with them as PC's together. Like all intense things, just process with your partners afterwards.
One of my partners prefers to run very aggressive barbarians with emotionally heavy relationships to NPC's. In a 4.5 year campaign, that barbarian died multiple times and the NPC loved ones (mischievous gnome children) were an obvious and utilized set of targets.
If you're DM'ing a jerk NPC, clearly differentiate their character from your normal voice and mannerisms.
I GM for a group that includes my counterpart, who is new to tabletop (as well as 3 others at the table, +1 that is new to Pathfinder). For the longest time she struggled with the workings of the game and would constantly ask for help with thsi or that, or ask me what spells she should take (as a sorc). For the first few levels I'd help her out, as any other player, explaining what spells/skills/feats do, but making her choose or ask the group for more specific questions (I.E should I take haste?). More recently (Around level 10ish), I have told her that she has been playing long enough that she should be able to answer most questions herself, and she has gotten to be a much better player in my opinion, both mechanically and RP-wise. My only regret is waiting so long to let her loose, but I treat the other newbies the same way... going easy on them till I feel they are ready to go it on their own. Of the 3 newbies, 1 is still having some difficulties, though there are other influences besides being new to the game in that case. (language, decided to change characers, joined later in the AP, etc), while the other two picked it up pretty easy.
Basic advice is the same as others, treat them the same as you would others. Best case scenario, treating them different will annoy your other players if they see it, which makes things less fun for everyone.
My wife and I have been in roleplaying games together since 1980, two years before she became my girlfriend. It has caused no problems. Except that my wife is notorious for derailing railroad plots, regardless of who is the GM.
We give each other a special role when one of us is the GM. The other one acts as the assistant GM, helping the newbies or looking up obscure rules.
I myself like to consult her on my additions to the adventure path before I make them. She hates this because of the spoilers, but she has vetoed several bad ideas. For example, I am running the Iron Gods adventure path and asked her about a side trip after the Fires of Creation module to the Tarnished Halls black market to sell their contraband technological loot. She pointed out that her character would give away their spare technology for free to their NPC friends in the town of Torch. I had falsely assumed typical PC behavior, but generosity fits both the personalities and the local ties of the party members.
If you are DMing a loved one, and giving extra experience or loot will result in getting to do the weird stuff in the bedroom, by all means go for it.
Some things are more important than gaming.
I was GMing and playing in games my wife was GMing long before we started dating.
No favoritism at the game table. It was the rule then, it is the rule now when we game with the kids (one of which is over 21).
RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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When gaming with your significant other is an issue, gaming with your significant other isn't the issue.Maybe, but that's kind of reductive.
It really is much easier to screw up, in ways you aren't likely to in other cases. Again, far more so introducing a partner to gaming, early in the relationship.Much, much less so after years of gaming, especially if you both started gaming before getting together.
I find your post difficult to read, as vital subjects/objects are being left to implication or ambiguous pronouns. What exactly are you trying to say?
This thread turned into softcore porn so suddenly...
Seriously though, who makes out with their significant other at a game table. :-D
I've been gaming with my partner for almost ten years now. I actually can't remember if we were already dating when we first started playing together or not; we were friends before that. At the beginning, he was the one with more experience, so he DMed most of the games I was in. Now I DM a lot as well. Our experience has been nothing but positive (but then, we share most of our hobbies; that's partially how we got together in the first place). There haven't been too many games where one of us is playing and the other isn't, since we also have a lot of the same friends.
I can repeat the advice that's been given above to not play favorites or go overboard trying to prove you're NOT playing favorites. Just treat them like any other player. If they're new to the game, treat them like you would any other new player, however that is.
I'd imagine a breakup might make things awkward in the gaming group, but the same sort of thing can happen with fights between friends. Not really any way to guard against that.
The PDA thing will heavily depend on your group, whether both of you are friends with all these people or just one of you, the group's opinion on PDA in general, exactly what you mean by PDA, etc. There's really no one right answer.
I suspect, due to anecdotal evidence, that adults tend to run into fewer difficulties with GMing for a significant other than teenagers. Not necessarily, but in general.
If you are DMing a loved one, and giving extra experience or loot will result in getting to do the weird stuff in the bedroom, by all means go for it.
Some things are more important than gaming.
Hmmm... I just started running Wrath of the Righteous with my wife playing a dwarven paladin of Torag. There are some good paladin bennies coming very soon as written. I wonder if I can spin those into a few special considerations in the boudoir...
One big concern is that most people will say they don't have a problem with it when they really do. The typical person isn't interested in being confrontational or being viewed as being "that guy." So, they'll pretend that everything is fine when they're really fuming inside.Here's where I disagree. If the group is cool with it, then it shouldn't disrupt the atmosphere. I mean, the group includes the GM. And of course, try not to disrupt the atmosphere the GM is cultivating. But then again, every table is going to be different and everyone is going to bring different experiences to this thread, so I figure we should probably agree to disagreeUnless your group is wearing bird masks and everyone's keys are in a jar, you should likely refrain from PDA even if everyone is "cool with it". No matter how many times people say they are okay with it, kissing during games is kind of awkward or at worst distracting. As GM I have had players do this and it really messes with the mood you are attempting to cultivate, and I've been in the same room as people getting it on without being phased. It's the whole gaming atmosphere and headspace, pda disassociates one from the experience.Honestly, just treat them the same way you would treat any other player, if you're the GM. And if you're both playing, just stay focused on the game during sessions. Also, unless you're in a group that's cool with it, avoid PDA during play and check relationship stuff at the door.
I've both ran and played in games with my girlfriend and the easiest thing to do is treat it like any other gathering with other people.
Fair point. I will also say that the degree is important as well. I should have probably been clearer on what I meant, as I now realize that there exists a broad spectrum of activities that fall under the category of PDA.
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In my experience, issues at the gaming table definitely result from underlying problems such as communication, trust, or (from a less relationship-specific POV) difficulty separating emotionally from your character.
However the gaming table can provide extra pressure on those issues, especially if one partner is the GM. This should not be surprising when we consider that there is a bit of a player/GM power imbalance, even if only by mutual agreement. So the underlying issues can surface in a way that they otherwise might not, even though the issues aren't actually created by gaming together.
My better half and I met while gaming and we've GM'd for each other over the years as well as being playing in friends' games. We've had some issues (mostly mine, see "better half") but it works out pretty well.
Don't discuss the campaign at home in a way that gives your SO information the rest of the party doesn't have.
This hasn't been an issue for us, possibly because having significant discussions about issues of interest to one player/PC is normal for our gaming group.
I'd imagine a breakup might make things awkward in the gaming group, but the same sort of thing can happen with fights between friends. Not really any way to guard against that.
You could have made a soap opera out of my old gaming group. Several couples formed, married, broke up, and remarried other people in the same group.
It got ugly trying to keep track of who you could invite to attend a new game.
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RPG Superstar 2015 Top 32, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Gaming with a significant other is still more likely to cause problems than when you're not.
Do you mean it's more likely to cause problems than when the person you're gaming with isn't your significant other, or more likely to cause problems when the thing you're doing with your significant other isn't gaming?
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Wow, most people here seem to have had very different experience that I did with this questions. I personally advise against couple being in a game together either as GM/Player or Player/Player. Because every time I've ever shared a gaming table with a couple, it destroyed the game. Either the relationship ends, either it influences the interaction at the table with favoritism or some sort of argument arrise and one drops from the gsme is forces his/her SO from quitting too.
Though she no longer plays because the other two players who gamed with us at the time divorced and moved away (this was in 2000) my wife played with us for 10 years and there was never a problem. She was always involved with the campaign, both in game and out. She never DM'd, but it would've been great if she had because she could come up with some hella traps.
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It depends on the relationship. A mature, adult relationship will have no problems at the table. I run our game and my GF plays in it. She gets zero favoritism. Monsters attack whomever it seems best to stomp and I randomize it if no clear target has distinguished itself. No extra loot or anything else. Everyone in the party is equal and balanced. As far as PDA, she does get the occasional shoulder squeeze and a quick smooch on the cheek when we have a lull in the game while people look something up, but it's by no means distracting. When she was first learning the ropes, I would help her with a rules questions, but the other players were also willing to dive in and help coach her on tactics. Having other women and non-perv players in my game is a big help. Now she's gotten skilled enough to handle most situations without any trouble and rarely asks for advice.
That said, I have seen games torn apart by GM vs. SO drama. This invariably occurs when one or the other is trying to "buy" the affection and attention of the other. Something that is usually indicative of an unstable relationship in the first place. I have zero interest in playing a game where the resident "Mary-Sue" character is an untouchable juggernaut while the rest of us are begging for loose change. Fortunately, 'most' of those situations occur with younger gamers who are still figuring out how healthy relationships actually work. At my age, we don't game with too many of those people anymore....but once in awhile they do turn up.