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It's Not The Onion - It's Paizo!


Forum Games

Scarab Sages

Basic rules are pretty simple, and very similar to "Battle of Surrender": Compose a news headline and, if you wish, sub-headline (no hard-and-fast rule on length limit, but within the limits one would normally expect of a newspaper headline/sub-headline). The last letter of the last word of the headline OR sub-headline (if there is one) must be the first letter of the first word of the next poster's headline.

Headlines must be CAPITALIZED, sub-headlines must be italicized.

If anyone wants to suggest some fun extra bonus rules within the first few posts to further distinguish this from other games, I'll listen.

EXAMPLE OF PLAY:

Poster 1: POPE TO ORDAIN WOMEN!
College of Cardinals: "This time you've gone too far, Frank!"

Poster 2: KREMLIN TO BE COATED IN CHEESE, BOILED DOWN INTO DELICIOUS "RUSSIAN ONION SOUP"
"Biggest in world, much better than French!" Declares Proud Putin

Poster 3: PIZZA THE SIZE OF THE LOUVRE RAMPAGES THROUGH ITALIAN COUNTRYSIDE!
Local eyewitness: "Mama-mia! It's-a Karma a-comin' back-a for us!"

Et cetera. Now to begin:

DOMESTIC TERRORIST DARIA MORGENDORFFER, AGE 33, RELEASES BITTER, VIOLENT, OVERLY WORDY ONLINE MANIFESTO
Disgruntled Savant: "This world just keeps getting sicker and sadder. I thought it was bad enough in 1999."


1 person marked this as a favorite.

99 OUT OF 100 U.S. SENATORS AGREE: "MMM-BOY! THAT'S SOME GOOOOOD GRAFT!"
Pictured: Sen. Bernie Sanders (D-VT) looks on, rubbing temples.


MIDDLESBOROUGH BUTCHER, 46, SITS ON OBOE. OBOE INTENDS TO SUE.
Eyewitnesses describe him deliberately bending over in front of members of the public and appearing to concentrate *very hard*, and then hearing excerpts from 'Cats' emanating from the seat of his trousers, before the Police intervened


DEMOLITION OF NATION'S SENSE OF DECENCY SET FOR LATE THIS MONTH
"Americans today just don't want or need it." According to one Trump administration official


Lieutenant Governor to be promoted to General Governor later this moth.
"That's not how state government works," confused state senator says.

Scarab Sages

@Pulg: Remember, it's like "Battle of Surrender" - you have to start your headline with the final letter of the last poster's headline OR sub-headline.

HEAVEN'S GATE CULT RETURNS FROM CELESTIAL REALM!
"Nope, too late to apologize" declares beaming Marshall Applewhite from bridge of a steampunkized Hale-Bopp

Silver Crusade

2 people marked this as a favorite.

PRINGLES REVEALED TO BE MADE PRIMARILY OF SAWDUST AND CHILDREN'S NIGHTMARES.
"Is anyone really surprised?" says CEO.

Scarab Sages

OGDEN NASH RETURNS FROM DEAD, REPORTS GOD IS "A PURPLE COW"
Poet retracts previous disparaging remarks about the Divine's form


1 person marked this as a favorite.

MIDDLESBOROUGH OBOE BUTCHER MAN UPGRADES TO BASSOON.
"This has the potential to be the biggest intestinal woodwind disaster since the Sascha Grey Clarinet Incident", Commented a doctor. "We would never, never recommend skipping the Cor Anglais stage."

Scarab Sages

EDWARD SNOWDEN SEEKS ASYLUM IN R'YLEH
Whistleblower cites privacy, non-Euclidian economic system, and less Evil head of state than US or Russia among attractions of deep-sea necropolis


1 person marked this as a favorite.

SECESSION PLANS IN CALIFORNIA STYMIED BY THE INHERENT STUPIDITY OF THE CONCEPT
"Is... Is this a joke? I've got the sixth largest global economy to run here, so kindly get the f*&! out of my office." Governor Jerry Brown (D).


DEMOGORGON NEITHER A DEMOCRAT NOR A GORGON - NEW SHOCK FINDINGS.
A Scientificalist: "We appreciate that there's a close resemblance between Bill and Hillary, and a two-headed baboon with tentacles for arms, but more in-depth analysis has revealed that they are, in fact, separate species"


AS PREDICTED, U2 FRONTMAN BONO'S EGO EXCEEDS TOLMAN–OPPENHEIMER–VOLKOFF LIMIT DURING TOUR, COLLAPSES INTO BLACKHOLE
Stunned scientists detect Infinite Guitar riffs in Hawking radiation, stoking public fears that future iTunes albums and greater Detroit may eventually escape


"EXISTENTIAL MALAISE RUINED BY MILLENNIALS!" ACCORDING TO LEADING BABY BOOMER PHILOSOPHERS
"Practical problems like debt and underemployment make emerging generation too busy for the luxury of navel gazing self-absorption!" say experts from most fortunate generation in human history. "All their fiscal austerity and increasingly common combat military service remind me of my -DAD-!"


1 person marked this as a favorite.

DOOBIE BROTHERS-SHAPED MONUMENT DISPLAYING THE TEN COMMANDMENTS TO BE ERECTED OUTSIDE COURTHOUSE IN ALABAMA.
"If I ever have to chisel 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' into Joe Walsh again, I shall gnaw off my own fingers in protest first", said the sculptor.


2 people marked this as a favorite.

REJECTED NATIONAL MOTTOES FROM THE 19TH CENTURY ON DISPLAY AT LIBRARY OF CONGRESS
Included are President Lincoln's preferred "Sun's out - Guns out!" and John Quincy Adams' "No Fat Chicks!"

Scarab Sages

SINGING, GOOGLY-EYED EVANGELICAL PRODUCE PRAY FOR HEALTH OF "CARROT-IN-CHIEF"
Bystander at National Mall: "Broccoli...celery...gotta be...Trump supporters!"


SECRET CHURCH RECORDS CONFIRM THAT ST. MICHAEL WAS SECRETLY JUDAS
Pope Francis: "Whadda twist!"


"TEMPER MERCY WITH CONTEMPT." SAYS PROSPERITY GOSPEL MEGACHURCH PASTOR
Rev. Thorton Bucklebean of Mobile, Alabama's First Church of the Blessed Free Market decries charitable giving as "Unamerican" in a reversal of Christian principles that surprises approximately no one.


"I DON'T ROLL OUT OF THE GRAVE FOR LESS THAN 20K" SAYS RAND
Rev. Bucklebean announces Undead Ayn Rand fundraising appearance canceled. "We're looking into Hologram Bernie Madoff. Catering will be by Jim Bakker."

Scarab Sages

3 people marked this as a favorite.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY LEADERS TO REPLACE FEET WITH PINECONES
Tom Perez: "It will hurt less next time we shoot them off"


FOZZIE BEAR BALD ON THE INSIDE, EX-WIFE REVEALS.
"He made me travel through his veins in a tiny submarine, too", court hears as $2.50 divorce settlement case enters its 15th year.

Scarab Sages

ELVIS RETURNS, LEAVES AGAIN PROMPTLY
Revered singer says nothing, sums up reaction to current state of the world with twitch of upper lip


YODELLING DRAGONBORN FOIL ARMED ROBBERY.
'"Fus Roh Daheedelayheehoo", they shouted, at which point I shot half way down the street and just lay there, staring up their scaly leiderhosen', said one of the arrested.

Silver Crusade

DEMIJOHNS OF LIQUID NOW ALLOWED PAST AIRLINE SECURITY.
Says world, "What's a demijohn?


NEW MUMMY REMAKE IN THE WORKS.
Hollywood insider says lack of ideas leading to remaking all of this years blockbuster films.

Dark Archive

MICHAEL BAY WILL SHOOT REMAKE FOR TRANSFORMERS 8 WHILE FILMING TRANSFORMERS 8
According to movie studio spokesman. When asked for comment, Bay replied: "Bang Kaboom Boobies Racial-Stereotype Boobies KAPOW!"


WHELK IN TUXEDO AND SOU'WESTER WINS 'BEST DRESSED WHELK OF THE YEAR' AWARD
Also down for 'Pipe-Smoking Whelk Of The Century' award, and Congressional Muddle of Honkers

Scarab Sages

DR. DOOM EXTENDS CONDOLENCES TO UNITED STATES AFTER 2016
"We have no elections to hack, here in Latveria"


UNITED STATES EXTENDS SARCASTIC CONDOLENCES TO DOCTOR DOOM AFTER ALL OF HIS MOVIE PORTRAYALS
Scientists shocked by massive seismic readings, relieved it is only 300+ million Americans simultaneously Nelson Muntz-laughing


1 person marked this as a favorite.

GLORIOUS LEADER DOOM USES UNPARALLELED GENIUS TO DEVELOP LOW COST CLEAN ENERGY GENERATOR AND SUBSEQUENTLY OPENS THE PATENT TO THE WORLD IN THE COURSE OF AN AFTERNOON
American economy in tailspin. "Shouldn't have f%!*ed with DOOM..." note several prominent heads of state.

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