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So the other day in a game I had a chance to roll for intimidate on my little halfling paladin against a big ol' brute of a half-orc and my Dm asked me exactly what I wanted to say to the big fellow.
"We were asked to bring you in alive if possible, dead if necessary... By the by I don't think you should ask a warrior wielding a spiked mace who can look your Jubblies in the eye what hes going to do. Bringing you in able to father children ever again was never mentioned and frankly we would be doing the world a favor if you couldnt so . . .
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After getting taunted by the Carrion King enough and he ended with a "you're going to have to try better than this" my character responded with:
Cackling back at the large gnoll Yazi moves up next to her friends. "Really? Okay then! First, we're gonna kill ya. Then we're gonna skin ya. Then I'm gonna turn ya into a rug. Ad then I'm gonna have him," throwing out an arm she indicates Bartan, "bend my legs back behind my head and hammer me like a bent nail on top of your sorry carcass!"
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After getting taunted by the Carrion King enough and he ended with a "you're going to have to try better than this" my character responded with:
** spoiler omitted **
...damn.
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My gnome prankster bard uses perform: comedy as his intimidation skill, using versatile performance. And the archetype gets a bardic performance called "mock", where you can debuff enemies by taunting them. Needless to say, I've had fun with this one.
My favorite was telling an Earth Elemental (in Terran - my PC collects known languages just so I can insult EVERYBODY), "Hey boulder balls! Yo mama was a cubic zirconium!"
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"Ill be Back"
"Treasure split 3 ways is better than 4..."
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In a LARP game, three bandits, vastly outnumbered, threaten some high level goodly characters (the goodly bit being why they weren't killed on sight):
Bandit: Oy, you at the back, what are you writing in that notebook?
Very High Level Character; Then, despite our best efforts to avoid killing them the bandits fell upon our swords and the was the end of the short lives of... excuse me, can I have your names please?
That was extraordinary.
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In a mixed White Wolf modern game, the party featured a sorcerer from the Old West that had been recently revived from 100 years of suspended animation.
Questioning a stubborn enemy shapeshifter, the player cracked his knuckles, thumped his fists down on the table, and declared, in his most gravelly voice, 'I'll get'im ta talk. Get me a pound o' salt and a pound o' lard."
The player then proceeded to roll the maximum result on his intimidation check.
A short time later, one of the other characters asked what he would have done with the slat and lard. Without missing the slightest beat, the player responded "I don't know, they always talk!"
Another player responded with ,"S@#$, my Intimidate went up just hearing that!"
"I'M BIG AND LOUD AND YOU SHOULD BE SCARED OF ME!"
"I know you have answers and I'm not afraid to open you up to get to them!"
After getting taunted by the Carrion King enough and he ended with a "you're going to have to try better than this" my character responded with:
** spoiler omitted **
Sounds like the kind of person who would bend over backwards for you. :P
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We were playing Carrion Crown. A mini of a human holding a pig was placed near mine. No line was uttered, I was just told the results of the roll by my GM. He rolled a twenty plus what does it really matter...my dhampir magus wielding a sentient black sword who has faced unknown horrors that would blow this peasant's feeble mind right out of his skull just got punked out by some inbred hill jack with his date from last night still under his arm. I never heard the end of it no matter what I did the rest of the AP. *grumble* stupid hillbilly *grumble*
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Shamelessly lifted from our regular parlance- our ex-Asmodean Hell's Rebels Slayer, leaning on a Thrune informant:
"If I ever see you again, I'm gonna leave you where I find you."
Another one, from our Kingmaker game- an Inquisitor who'd grown up in Nidal, dancing with some drunken nobleman who kept propositioning her with all the grace and tact of a drunken octopus:
"I think you might not understand exactly what it is I do, milord."
She then leaned in and whispered sweet nothings into his ear- and by "sweet nothings," I mean she outlined exactly how one would go about skinning someone alive, in clinical detail. Then she gave him a little kiss on the cheek and said, in a breathy, trembly whisper, that she looked forward to their next dance.
From our old World of Darkness Sabbat "play as yourself turned into a psycho vampire" game:
"I'm the Anti-Claus. I come to take bad little children away."
From a KICKIN' Deadlands game, from our gunslinger, who was getting to be a genuine legend:
"You have until this hat hits the ground to let them go. After that, I'm apt to get uncivil."
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My favorite Paladin story
Intense.
I love it.| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
After getting taunted by the Carrion King enough and he ended with a "you're going to have to try better than this" my character responded with:
** spoiler omitted **
Well, I HAVE to steal that one now.
Ahhh! Who said that?
Star Wars campaign, we're supposed to infiltrate a base, gather some information, and then make our escape quietly so the local Rebel cell can attack.
My character in this instance is a Bothan, he's accompanied by a Verpine and two 'redshirt' guards who watch the tunnel, ready to collapse it if the Imperials figure out something is there.
We manage to capture a guard, drag him down into the tunnel, and then my character hands the Verpine a bottle of some sort of reddish stuff.
"So, we've been travelling all over this planet and my friend here has gotten kind of hungry -- " At which point the Verpine starts making bug parts move excitedly... "--but I'm a bit more civilized than that. *toothy grin* Quickly, now, the guard rotation, how many, and if you cry out you'll be dinner faster than my friend can get the barbeque sauce on you."
Previous campaign. We had just won a fight with some assorted minions and one was alive enough to talk. Our halfling shadowdancer decided getting a little information would be helpful. So he talks to said minion.
"Now, you may have noticed you're still alive, unlike your compatriots, having made the choice to cease and desist your attempts to murder us. In exchange for your life, we'd like to hear what you have to say about the defenses of the House you served. If you don't care to talk to us about it, well, my dusky-skinned elf friend over there-", the halfling points to our arcane archer of partial-drow lineage, "will go ahead and kill you like he planned. I mean, I turn my back, you try to jump me, he kills you in cold blood, I turn around shocked and thank him for saving my neck."
"You may think this is a good idea now, as you won't be branded a traitor by the House you represent. Let me inform you so you can make an educated decision. That isn't the best plan. Because after my friend with the bow shoots you dead, you might think you're safe. You're taking your secrets to the grave, you've shown your loyalty to the cause. But your secrets won't be safe. Do you know why? Let me tell you why. See, your House is in cahoots with the church of Skaden (think Bane from the Forgotten Realms, but with better progress taking over the world). That lady over there?" The halfling points at the priestess of Death. "She hates the church of Skaden. And your House. They killed her once, it was messy, it didn't take, and she just got killed again, so she's really not in a good mood these days, what with the ache in her hips where she got cut in half and all. Anyway, pardon my rambling, if you try to hold out, the elf will kill you. Then that lady over there will grab your soul and do things I admit I don't understand. I'm not really sure how that works and it sounds incredibly painful. You seem like a smart fellow. I'm sure you don't want to be dead and have your soul twisted into a knot. Or something."
My bard, Xargin Swift, from a Reign of Winter game was prone to erratic behaviour related to the fact that he had a horde of angels screaming at him about what to do living in his head (initially I played him as a more seriously mentally ill character, but it quickly became clear that the game wasn't headed in that direction, so I retuned him to borderline FishMalk behaviour). One of his favourite things was "redeeming" people, which translated to "terrifying the everloving hell out of them until they agreed to be good", then sending them to work in Helgen. By the time I left that group due to some burnout with the game, there was a thriving community of former bandits and Irriseni guardsmen doing their best to improve the town and build new lives for themselves, living in mortal terror of the thought of the crazy disfigured bard coming back and deciding they weren't working hard enough.
At one stage he's got a bandit tied up in front of him, while the party keeps watch on the other survivor. This is after a pretty bloody fight, getting up close and personal with his rapier, so he's pretty much soaked in blood. He's got the information he wanted, so he offers the bandit mercy if he'll agree to go and join the community down in Helgen, making it clear that this is the only time he'll make this offer. The bandit agrees without hesitation, but Xargin makes his sense motive check and realises he's lying. Shoves the rapier straight through the bandit's eye, leaves it there and turns to the remaining bandit, taking off the half mask he wears, revealing the Two-Face level burn scars on that side of his face, then kneels down to her eye level, smiles at her and starts talking.
"You know, I really hate being lied to. Always have. I made him an honest offer, and he spat it back in my face by lying to me. I don't think you'll make the same mistake, you seem so much smarter than he was. Now, there's a lovely little town to the south of here called Helgen. They've had some bandit problems recently, something I'm sure you know nothing about, and they're in need of some people willing to help rebuild, expand and fortify the town. I think you'd be perfect, and there's some friends of yours who have already started, so you'd have some company at least. So, have you considered the benefits of living a life devoted to redemption and building a community? The major one being, you actually get to have a life. You have? You'd be delighted to go help out? Good lass, I knew I could count on you. Just remember, I stop by Helgen regularly, and if I find out you're not there, or you're not pulling your weight, no god or devil will be able to hide you from my wrath, even if it takes a lifetime to find you... So, off you go then! Safe travels! I'll see you soon."
I always felt that actions spoke louder than words. And the enlarged raging barbarian that burst out of the cave they trapped us in and killed the bandits leader in one mighty crit with his giant club spoke loudest of all.
The remaining 14 bandits took one look and started running.