Blazing 9! (season 10 prep)


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Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Rusty Ironpants

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Okay, the RPG Superstar logo has disappeared from the main page, which means it is time to start a new Blazing 9! thread to prepare for season 10 of RPG Superstar!

Congratulations again to Nick and all the season 9 Top 32! Great job in this year's contest everyone.

I will just quote Curaigh from the last Blazing 9! thread since he did such a great job of explaining the purpose of this thread.

Curaigh wrote:

Blazing Nine begins! :)

The goal here is to create a superstar items with a little help from some friendly critique. One a month is not too hard to practice, but making deadlines, BBC/Paizo formatting, and accepting critique rewriting can be. So that is what his thread is about practicing those bits we can practice.

Some suggestions:

1) Pick a day and post a new item every month by that day. Do that from now until December July & you will have 9 solid items to lead your submission.
2) Do a rewrite a week after that. This requires comments so please critique others.
3) Focus on formatting, grammar, & rules knowledge. We practice this now so we can focus on mojo next year.
4) Do not post an actual submission. That will DQ it from the contest. :)
5) Do not limit yourself to wondrous items (see, we were ready for the twist already!). Try an archetype, a monster, a villain or any of the other rounds we have seen in RPG SS. Just follow the rules for that round. You can even post a link to a map if you want to.
6) Re-read all of JO's & SKR's guidelines, the previous Top 32, the critique my item threads. Space them out over nine months.

If you really want practice for RPG SS, ask the next poster to give you a submission category. Then give yourself one week to create an entry.

To start, I recommend trying a rewrite of your 2015 season 9 entry now that you have had some feedback. Also keep Wayfinder in mind, it is fairly easy to get 750 word article on magic items. :)

Ready? Set? Blaze!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

I will join this forum in FORCE when I get done with my item Reviews. Work is being killer, and PFS is picking up around here, and people are tapping on me to go to conventions to run games for them.

Also: I picked up a new WONDERFUL board game called Kingdom Death, and that has been eating my soul and my free-time.

I HIGHLY suggest you give it a look see if you have the disposable cash and the predilection toward Mini's board games.

:-) Untill then, I look forward to seeing what some people post!

Scarab Sages

Coming right after I finish writing up something for Wayfinder 15.

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Woo Hoo! My thread has passed into 'other people want to start it territory'!

I did make a Round 2 map, & I have the outline for a Round 4 encounter, so I will be throwing those in here as well several items.

Bring it on you die-hards!

Scarab Sages RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka Rusty Ironpants

Curaigh wrote:

Woo Hoo! My thread has passed into 'other people want to start it territory'!

I did make a Round 2 map, & I have the outline for a Round 4 encounter, so I will be throwing those in here as well several items.

Bring it on you die-hards!

I was going to wait, but then I figured it was easier to "ask for forgiveness, than permission" so to speak. Glad you are okay with me starting it up.

In case people need something to get started, here is a design challenge:
Make a mask or other face/eye slot item that does something other than affect the wearer's vision. So no granting or extending of low-light vision or darkvision or bonuses to Peception checks.

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka mechaPoet

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Looks like good practice! Does anyone want to give me a submission category? :)

Edit: it looks like I've been ninja'd with a prompt! Perhaps I should design some sort of ninja mask that warns you when people are going to post before you...

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

I have the opportunity to go first (for the only tine probably), therefore I will.

Personal Pickler
Aura Strong Necromancy, Moderate Transformation; CL 11th
Slot None; Price 7200 gp; Weight 35 lbs.
Description
This plain, unadorned pickling barrel is sturdy and airtight. It is perfect for preserving food for long journeys, a task it does very well, though purely mundanely. It can also hold one humanoid corpse of medium or smaller size. Such a corpse is under a gentle repose effect while entombed inside. With a DC 15 craft:(pickler) the corpse can be magically prepared to either reincarnate or rise as a ghoul after seven days. Using either of these effects takes all the magic of barrel, leaving it a mundane masterwork barrel.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous item, Create Undead, Gentle Repose, Reincarnate Craft: (pickler) 5; Cost 3600 gp

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Kerney wrote:

I have the opportunity to go first (for the only tine probably), therefore I will.

Personal Pickler
Aura Strong Necromancy, Moderate Transformation; CL 11th
Slot None; Price 7200 gp; Weight 35 lbs.
Description
This plain, unadorned pickling barrel is sturdy and airtight. It is perfect for preserving food for long journeys, a task it does very well, though purely mundanely. It can also hold one humanoid corpse of medium or smaller size. Such a corpse is under a gentle repose effect while entombed inside. With a DC 15 craft:(pickler) the corpse can be magically prepared to either reincarnate or rise as a ghoul after seven days. Using either of these effects takes all the magic of barrel, leaving it a mundane masterwork barrel.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous item, Create Undead, Gentle Repose, Reincarnate Craft: (pickler) 5; Cost 3600 gp

Very well, I'll be the first reviewer.

* A barrel that pickles corpses for later use, with an alliterative name to boot, seems too much like a joke item to me, even if you didn't intend it to be one.
* Check your formatting against a recent PF PRG product. Mostly only words the begin sentences or are bolded should be capitalized in a magic item entry. Craft Wondrous Item and Craft are exceptions because feats and skills are (don't ask me why, probably for historical reasons). Auras, slots, and spells should not be capitalized.
* Only the strongest aura should be mentioned.
* Price and cost should include a thousands separator comma.
* The weight makes it less useful for many PCs. With the exception of Str-based characters, most PCs cannot carry this thing without getting penalties for medium load.
* In my opinion, magic items (RPGSS ones in particular) should not look or seem mundane. Or at the very least, their apparent mundanity should be described in an interesting way. Magic items test your ability to write interesting flavor, among other things.
* The formatting for the skill should be Craft (pickler).
* Craft (pickler) is not a great choice for a skill because few, very few PCs have that skill. (I sometimes include the option of using rare skills in adventures, but I always also include the option of using a more common skill.) Also, generally speaking, avoid skill rank requirements *unless* the item grants a skill bonus.
* Although the item's effects are definitely thematically linked, the item is still very much a Spell in a Can. The spell's effects are not changed or combined in an interesting way, which in my opinion is the only way to make a SiaC Superstar.
* If you use a skill rank requirement, it should be formatted in different way (check from a recent source book).

I hope that helps...

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Oh, I forgot to mention: size categories should be capitalized: "...Medium or larger..."


Be wary of "mundane-ing" your descriptive intro... Your intro:

This plain, unadorned pickling barrel is sturdy and airtight. It is perfect for preserving food for long journeys, a task it does very well, though purely mundanely.

Well, it ends with mundane, and assumes that I don't know what the basic function of a pickling jar is. So it starts to bore right in the intro, your first opportunity to wow us has become mundane...

When I read magical items, that intro description for me is where I should become excited to find out what the item does... so here you could make the act of pickling something enticing, inviting me to read more...

For a magic item, do I really care if it fulfils a mundane task that a normal item would? No, I want to know about the magic!

Maybe have the jar made of interlocking ceramic plates or scales, with a liquid content that hisses and bubbles whilst emitting a purple mist that stings both the nose and the eyes, for example.

Craft pickler? - yeah, just go with alchemy skills because that is really all picking is. The other problem here is, if I am MAKING the item, do I really need to know how to pickle or do I need to know how to make it watertight? Maybe use a glass blowing or pottery based craft would be more sensible here - anyone can pickle with a container, something to pickle and some vinegar.

Finally - only one body medium or smaller - so why can't I pickle 2 small halflings or 4 dogs, or 8 rats, or 16 butterflies, etc?

If there are rules in the game to allow multiple creatures of a size to fit in a certain space, refer them and allow it. As it stands, it allows us to preserve one party member, but if we lose two party members both of a size allowing them to be squeezed into a medium humanoids space, we can only choose one.

Don't think Mikko mentioned auras should not be capitalized... all the other template issues seem to have been caught! :D

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Curtisin

Dotting this up myself, as I'll be joining in.

Current deadline estimate: The last day of each month. (Though I'll probably have to skip December due to work constraints).

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Kerney wrote:

I have the opportunity to go first (for the only tine probably), therefore I will.

Personal Pickler

*Craft Magic Item-all three words should be capitalized (Mikko mentioned capitals)

*pickled corpse doesn't speak reincanate to me, but the ghoul part makes sense. I am not sure why a PC would want to create ghouls, but those that do want to (necromancer of appropriate level) can. I guess there is some cost savings compared to casting the spell directly, but not until a necromancer uses this more than 180 times. create undead is not on the druid list, making the caster a druid/wiz 7/11 (or druid/cleric 7/11) character level 18. Theurge or an archetype might get it sooner, but it becomes way less attractive than the spell at that point. an 18th level caster could get more than a ghoul by prepping the spell themselves.
*I like reincarnate as spell. I would like to see a cool magic item using reincarnate spell. I think it doesn't see a lot of play though as most players want to choose their race. That and character death often means character generation for most of us. (back when 1st edition was still spelled with an "A" it was the only way to play an orc, lizardfolks or other).

Nice work, I hope you play around with this and give us a rewrite. :)

Scarab Sages

Kerney wrote:

I have the opportunity to go first (for the only tine probably), therefore I will.

Personal Pickler
Aura Strong Necromancy, Moderate Transformation; CL 11th
Slot None; Price 7200 gp; Weight 35 lbs.
Description
This plain, unadorned pickling barrel is sturdy and airtight. It is perfect for preserving food for long journeys, a task it does very well, though purely mundanely. It can also hold one humanoid corpse of medium or smaller size. Such a corpse is under a gentle repose effect while entombed inside. With a DC 15 craft:(pickler) the corpse can be magically prepared to either reincarnate or rise as a ghoul after seven days. Using either of these effects takes all the magic of barrel, leaving it a mundane masterwork barrel.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous item, Create Undead, Gentle Repose, Reincarnate Craft: (pickler) 5; Cost 3600 gp

Mechanics: it falls into that rough category of items that are single use, but also pretty expensive, so only your GM is ever going to use them. Not terrible, but it does limit the appeal of the item. I also agree with Template Fu - Craft: Alchemy is a better choice than Craft: Pickler, no matter how fun that might be to write.

Flavor: At 124 words you've left a lot of potential on the floor. It's both 'plain' and 'unadorned' in addition to doing it's tasks 'purely mundanely' (which is an awkward bit of phrasing). This isn't exactly wrong, but I do feel like a lot of potential was left untapped. Maybe we could just assume the mundane aspects of the pickling barrel and instead focus on what makes this such a cool and creepy item. What does it smell like? Are there stains on it from previous usage? Maybe bite marks around lid from the last ghoul made with the barrel. What happens if you discharge the magic to raise a ghoul? What if you reincarnate instead? Heck, you are changing the actual race of the body in the barrel when you do that, it should be doing all kinds of crazy stuff.

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Template Fu wrote:
Don't think Mikko mentioned auras should not be capitalized... all the other template issues seem to have been caught! :D
Mikko Kallio wrote:
Auras, slots, and spells should not be capitalized.

;)

Templates are easy. :p

Anyway, I agree that Craft (alchemy) would be better; a lot of PCs actually have that skill. Furthermore, I just realized "pickler" is wrong anyway because the name of a Craft skill always refers to the product, not the name of the profession: "The most common Craft skills are alchemy, armor, baskets, books, bows, calligraphy, carpentry, cloth, clothing, glass, jewelry, leather, locks, paintings, pottery, sculptures, ships, shoes, stonemasonry, traps, and weapons."

By contrast, Profession skills include the name of the profession: "The most common Profession skills are architect, baker, barrister, brewer, butcher, clerk, cook, courtesan, driver, engineer, farmer, fisherman, gambler, gardener, herbalist, innkeeper, librarian, merchant, midwife, miller, miner, porter, sailor, scribe, shepherd, stable master, soldier, tanner, trapper, and woodcutter."

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Thanks everyone for the feedback-

Template issues will be fixed on the next item. You guys, especially Mikko were very clear on this.

Got some ideas but craft will change. I did have an idea for three more barrels and while I don't think they are superstar worthy, I might put them together as a wayfinder submission (If I have time after my summoner archtype).

124 words. I have a tendacy to write 280+ word entries so I'm trying to break that habit. But you showed me not to go too far the other way.

I have another reincarnation item on my rough ideas page (I started a journal where I handwrite ideas, maps etc). Both it and the Pickler are kinda "children" of my not very successful superstar item, ie itteration I thought of after the contest started.

Scarab Sages

Some of you may have already seen this. Here is what I discarded in favor of Auric Hush.

Chimeric Hide
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 5th
Slot armor Price 33400 gp; Weight 25 lbs.
Description
This +1 hide armor is made up of a strange patchwork of lion pelt, goat fur, and serpent scales, with the head of a lion adorning the right shoulder, ram's horn for the buckles and embellishments, and a snake skin that dangles from the back like a tail. In addition to granting a +1 bonus to armor it has only a –1 armor check penalty and the wearer can choose from one of three additional effects as a free action each round. The available effects are:
Lion's courage: the wearer and all allies within 10ft of them are immune to fear (magical or otherwise).
Ram's charge: deals an additional 2d4 points of damage on any successful charge attack made by the wearer, including a mounted charge.
Serpent's strike: the wearer gains a tail bite natural weapon as the snakeskin tail reanimates. This bite deals 1d6 points of damage plus poison (as the spell; DC 16).

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, aura of greater courage, bull's strength, poison, the hide of a chimera Cost 16700 gp

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Ok, as we all know, the biggest problem I had with my entry this year was choosing an item that was in fact multiple items.

The rules specifically called for a single item, so I chickened out and reworked my item into a singular fan that improved if you purchased a second fan.

This was my original draft before making that change - on reflection, I think I should have risked losing a few votes and stayed with the item being a pair of fans over the singular fan bastardization I entered.

Enjoy my original thoughts...

Wings of the Night Monarch
Aura moderate enchantment and evocation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 16,305 gp; Weight
Description
The gossamer silks of this pair of +1 fighting fans portray the resplendent wing patterns of Desna’s Night Monarch. Their ivory guard sticks bear eight shimmering stars.
Once per round, the wielder activates a star as a ranged attack with maximum range 60 feet. The star is consumed as it leaps from the fan morphing into a butterfly of divine light fluttering toward the target. On a hit it disperses into the target dealing 1d6 points of holy damage (critical threat on a 20, x3 damage), otherwise dissipating harmlessly. The dizzying flight of the butterfly grants a feint check as a free action against the target, the result affecting that butterflies attack only.
When dual-wielding both fans, the wielder activating one star from each fan simultaneously grants a pair of butterflies attacking separate targets within 30 feet of each other or targeting the same single opponent. In the latter case, both attacks gain a higher +4 circumstance bonus without requiring the feint check.
If both attacks hit, the target is subject to a waking dream unless they succeed a Will save (DC 16) becoming immune to this effect for 24 hours regardless of the save result. If the target fails the save, they dream of acting normally on their next action but instead take no action. The target is aware of their surroundings and is not defenseless. This is a mind-affecting effect.
Expended stars regenerate overnight. Stars expended during the night do not regenerate until the following night.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, daze monster, spiritual weapon, creator must worship Desna; Cost 8,305 gp

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka mechaPoet

Russ Brown wrote:

In case people need something to get started, here is a design challenge:

Make a mask or other face/eye slot item that does something other than affect the wearer's vision. So no granting or extending of low-light vision or darkvision or bonuses to Peception checks.

Here is my challenge item! I'll write up some feedback for what's been posted here later. :)

Blind Love Patch
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 7th
Slot eyes; Price 33,600 gp; Weight
Description
The alternating red and white target pattern on this leather eye patch forms the shape of a heart. Three times per day, as part of casting a mind-affecting spell or spell-like ability, the wearer can activate the blind love patch to affect a non-mindless target that is normally not a valid target for her spell. For instance, the wearer could activate the blind love patch to cast charm person on a target other than a humanoid. This does not allow her to affect creatures that exceed the hit die limits of the spell (such as daze or sleep). When activated, the bullseye pattern on the blind love patch animates with a hypnotic oscillation. The eyes (if any) of a creature under the effects of an mind-affecting spell cast with the blind love patch resemble the heart shaped target pattern on the eye patch for the duration of the spell.

The wearer can expend two daily uses of her blind love patch to affect creatures normally immune to the effects of her mind-affecting spell, such as affecting a dragon or elf with a spell that induces sleep. When the wearer uses the blind love patch in this way, she can also add half her caster level to the hit die limit of a mind-affecting spell. This still does not allow the wearer to affect mindless creatures with mind-affecting spells.

The creator of a blind love patch may use Profession (matchmaker) in place of the Craft or Spellcraft skill when creating it.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blindness/deafness, charm monster; Cost 16,800 gp

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka mechaPoet

Here are my reviews! I will address what I find to be the most salient points of critique, rather than nit pick everything.

Personal Pickler:
*Like others have pointed out, make sure to follow the magic item template. The best way to do this is to compare it to existing magic items. The format that Paizo provides for the Superstar contest also contains the correct capitalization, etc.

*Use the active voice more, and avoid the passive voice! For this particular item, try rewriting every instance of the verb “is” to make your sentences more active with interesting action verbs.

*Again, as others have said, this magical barrel should appear more magical! You've got a fair bit of word count to elaborate on what this barrel looks like and describing what happens when its magic is used. I for one want to know what a pickled ghoul smells like.

Chimeric Hide:
*Your first sentence is a bit cluttered, with what is essentially two three item lists. You may wish to separate or condense them.

*You don't need to tell us that it has a +1 armor bonus - that's what the +1 hide armor at the start is for! You don't need to describe information that you've already given us in the game's own terms. Save your word count for the interesting stuff.

*Why does it have a smaller armor check penalty? It would normally only have a -2. Is this here only to make it more mechanically attractive to players? There's no obvious or explained reason why it's like this.

*The abilities the armor grants are neat, and the chimera inspiration keeps it from feeling too much like a Swiss Army Knife of abilities. Watch your consistency of language, though. The ram entry is a sentence fragment that doesn't match the other abilities’ initial “The wearer…” wording.

*I also worry that the Lions Courage ability is a little strong. It duplicates a 2nd level paladin spell, but even that spell requires the aura of courage and only lasts 10 minutes per level. Perhaps you could tone this down to something closer to an aura of courage, or heroism, or remove fear.

*You should indicate whether the snake tail bite is a primary or secondary attack.

Wings of the Night Monarch:
*Overall, evocative writing and a great thematic tie in to Desna without actually having to explain or know a whole lot about Golarion lore. Nicely done! Here come the minor issues. :)

*It does holy damage? I don't think that's a standard thing in Pathfinder, except for those spells that do half fire and half holy damage with very specific text about how that works. I think you'd be better off sticking with a more standard damage type; how about force, to mirror the spiritual weapon in the construction requirements?

*Dual wielding isn't Pathfinder standard language. You might refer to it as two-weapon fighting instead. And watch the gerunds in that final paragraph!

*”In the latter case, both attacks gain a higher +4 circumstance bonus without requiring the feint check.” What check does this bonus apply to?

*How is a waking dream different enough from the dazed condition that you've essentially spelled out the effects of the dazed condition? You could save some words and time by saying “the target dreams of acting normally, but does nothing; this acts as being dazed” or some such.

*Again, super great imagery! A great tool for rogues/ninjas and other sneak attackers, but useful enough for anyone who wants a unique pair of weapons with a strong star theme! I especially like the recharge mechanic. :)

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Belabras wrote:

Some of you may have already seen this. Here is what I discarded in favor of Auric Hush.

Chimeric Hide
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 5th
Slot armor Price 33400 gp; Weight 25 lbs.
Description
This +1 hide armor is made up of a strange patchwork of lion pelt, goat fur, and serpent scales, with the head of a lion adorning the right shoulder, ram's horn for the buckles and embellishments, and a snake skin that dangles from the back like a tail. In addition to granting a +1 bonus to armor it has only a –1 armor check penalty and the wearer can choose from one of three additional effects as a free action each round. The available effects are:
Lion's courage: the wearer and all allies within 10ft of them are immune to fear (magical or otherwise).
Ram's charge: deals an additional 2d4 points of damage on any successful charge attack made by the wearer, including a mounted charge.
Serpent's strike: the wearer gains a tail bite natural weapon as the snakeskin tail reanimates. This bite deals 1d6 points of damage plus poison (as the spell; DC 16).

Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, aura of greater courage, bull's strength, poison, the hide of a chimera Cost 16700 gp

There are a few minor formatting mistakes: Comma missing from price and cost, semicolon missing after "armor", 10ft should be 10 ft., and poison (when referring to the spell) should be italicized. Oh and a semicolon seems to be missing before Cost. A CL 5th item should have a faint aura.

I like your choice of theme, the chimera is a very iconic fantasy monster. However, as a monster, the chimera is ultimately a Swiss Army Knife, and unfortunately, your item has the same problem, and I think you should have worked harder to make the item less of an SAK. There could be some mechanical synergies between the three abilities, for example.

Individually, the abilities could be a bit more creative. The first ability is basically a paladin-in-a-can.. on crack. The second one is just extra damage (one of the "old wells" that should generally be avoided). They're all very useful effects for a PC, but they're just not something new (or something old with an interesting twist).

It's also worth mentioning that in PF (and D&D), chimeras don't have poisonous tail bites; the third ability should be related to dragons, not snakes. I can appreciate it that you've researched the original myth, but always stick to the canon of the relevant campaign setting.

Other than that, avoid unusual construction requirements like chimera hide. I know it makes sense for it to be a requirement, but in the PF RPG, it's all but unheard of for a magic item to have a requirement like that. 99% of magic items should only have the relevant crafting feat + 1-3 spells as requirements. The 1% also has a skill rank, race, class feature, or additional feat requirement.

I hope that helps.

Scarab Sages

Thanks for the suggestions Mikko and Stephen!

Wings of the Night Monarch:

Anthony Adam wrote:

Ok, as we all know, the biggest problem I had with my entry this year was choosing an item that was in fact multiple items.

The rules specifically called for a single item, so I chickened out and reworked my item into a singular fan that improved if you purchased a second fan.

This was my original draft before making that change - on reflection, I think I should have risked losing a few votes and stayed with the item being a pair of fans over the singular fan bastardization I entered.

Enjoy my original thoughts...

Wings of the Night Monarch
Aura moderate enchantment and evocation; CL 10th
Slot none; Price 16,305 gp; Weight
Description
The gossamer silks of this pair of +1 fighting fans portray the resplendent wing patterns of Desna’s Night Monarch. Their ivory guard sticks bear eight shimmering stars.
Once per round, the wielder activates a star as a ranged attack with maximum range 60 feet. The star is consumed as it leaps from the fan morphing into a butterfly of divine light fluttering toward the target. On a hit it disperses into the target dealing 1d6 points of holy damage (critical threat on a 20, x3 damage), otherwise dissipating harmlessly. The dizzying flight of the butterfly grants a feint check as a free action against the target, the result affecting that butterflies attack only.
When dual-wielding both fans, the wielder activating one star from each fan simultaneously grants a pair of butterflies attacking separate targets within 30 feet of each other or targeting the same single opponent. In the latter case, both attacks gain a higher +4 circumstance bonus without requiring the feint check.
If both attacks hit, the target is subject to a waking dream unless they succeed a Will save (DC 16) becoming immune to this effect for 24...

I liked the final version, but remember it being somewhat hamstrung by the original design being a pair of fans. Definitely keeping it as a pair is better.

I'm not sure, but it seems like "the wielder may activate a star" would be a better choice than "the wielder activates a star"

I can't find a waking dream spell. Did you perhaps mean haze of dreams?

Blind Love Patch:

Stephen Stack wrote:
Russ Brown wrote:

In case people need something to get started, here is a design challenge:

Make a mask or other face/eye slot item that does something other than affect the wearer's vision. So no granting or extending of low-light vision or darkvision or bonuses to Peception checks.

Here is my challenge item! I'll write up some feedback for what's been posted here later. :)

Blind Love Patch
Aura moderate enchantment; CL 7th
Slot eyes; Price 33,600 gp; Weight
Description
The alternating red and white target pattern on this leather eye patch forms the shape of a heart. Three times per day, as part of casting a mind-affecting spell or spell-like ability, the wearer can activate the blind love patch to affect a non-mindless target that is normally not a valid target for her spell. For instance, the wearer could activate the blind love patch to cast charm person on a target other than a humanoid. This does not allow her to affect creatures that exceed the hit die limits of the spell (such as daze or sleep). When activated, the bullseye pattern on the blind love patch animates with a hypnotic oscillation. The eyes (if any) of a creature under the effects of an mind-affecting spell cast with the blind love patch resemble the heart shaped target pattern on the eye patch for the duration of the spell.

The wearer can expend two daily uses of her blind love patch to affect creatures normally immune to the effects of her mind-affecting spell, such as affecting a dragon or elf with a spell that induces sleep. When the wearer uses the blind love patch in this way, she can also add half her caster level to the hit die limit of a mind-affecting spell. This still does not allow the wearer to affect mindless creatures with mind-affecting spells.

The creator of a blind love patch may use Profession (matchmaker) in place of the Craft or Spellcraft skill when creating it....

This strikes me as a little goofy and cartoon inspired, but that isn't always a bad thing. An item with the express purpose of improving a narrow band of spells is an interesting idea. The effect on the target's eye/eyes is also a nice touch.

I do think it is maybe trying to tackle to much with "affect a non-mindless target that is normally not a valid target for her spell" I worry this is too vague, but I'm also not sure how you would reword it for the intended effect.

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"waking dream" was just description that I couldn't think of a better way to describe the effect - it's not really a day dream as that would make you unaware of your surroundings, and I didn't want to use the name of existing spells as it wasn't really a spell either.

As for "may", that way is passive writing - after 8 years (and 9 seasons) of being hammered to not write items using "may, should, could, would, might, can, ..." and variants there of, I don't think I am going back to those old ways.

Writing an item description requires a non passive style resulting in a more vibrant and active energy in the description - it's all about saying "what happens" and "how it happens" and not "what might happen" or "how it might happen". Gosh, I sound more like SKR every year! O-o :P

If I rewrite that older version I posted here, I would probably rewrite "the wielder activates" into a more dymaic form of "Activating a star..." and lose the wielder bit.

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Anthony Adam wrote:
As for "may", that way is passive writing - after 8 years (and 9 seasons) of being hammered to not write items using "may, should, could, would, might, can, ..." and variants there of, I don't think I am going back to those old ways.

I would argue "may" isn't passive in this case. There's a difference between saying the wielder may activate and the wielder activates, as you have.

The former gives the wielder (and thus the player) the choice of using the item. The latter indicates it happens every round, whether the wielder wants it to or not.

Consider boots of teleportation (which granted are a very bare-bones item): Any character wearing this footwear may teleport three times per day, exactly as if he had cast the spell of the same name.

If you take "may" out of that sentence, you're left with any character wearing this footwear teleports three times per day. There's no indication of how that happens, that the wearer gets to determine it, etc. etc. It just happens. The "may" is crucial to that sentence (and I think your item), as opposed to passive writing.

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Ohers have covered these, so I shall be brief.

Belabras wrote:
Chimeric Hide

*love chimera, especially the greco/roman version. has potential, but as Mikko said in PF 'tis a dragon. The initial sentence goes on for a bit, but I think you could start with the 'a head of lion...' and piece in some of the existing subject to shorten it (and remove the passive 'is' :)

*SAK, two of which are SiaC
*33,400 & 16,700 gp

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Anthony Adam wrote:
Wings of the Night Monarch

I dinnae remember what my initial reading was so this is from scratch.

*max range of 60 feet... does it have a range increment?
*who makes the feint check (my recommendation is a static number for the item)
*the 'if both attacks hit...' sentence is clunky. The target will be subjected which is why she gets a save (the save can negate the effect, but doesn't retcon the attack into a miss). I think just rearranging the elements of this sentence (with bits of the next) will make it more clear. I might say if both hits X happens. A successful [W save] negates X & immunizes... (using actual immunity language :)

I still like this item, Nice work AA :)

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Stephen Stack wrote:
Blind Love Patch

Nice start to Russ's challenge :)

*I felt this was a little wibbly-wobbly in that it went from fluff to crunch to fluff to crunch. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but on my initial read I felt it was SAK. It's not really, it just felt that way & I think it was because of this back-and-forth. OK it is a little SAK in that it changes eligible targets, and neutralizes immunities and increases caster level. I think the synergy is close enough to truly avoid SAK :)
*is it a target pattern or a heart shape? I suppose it could be both (a heart-shaped target pattern?) but I think tightening the writing could be tighter to avoid the confusion.
*sleeping a dragon is OP fanboy sort of stuff. But I really like that this would do something to a dragon/elf targeted with sleep. That is the cool part of this item & something I hope to see in a rewrite. :)

Nice job Stephen, bring us more :)

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Per Russ's eye/face challenge, I now present this for your torture perusal.

Miasmic Vapor Mask
Aura moderate conjuration and enchantment; CL 8th
Slot head; Price 26,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Two eyes of green vapor and a pointed chin mark this alabaster mask. Words spoken while wearing the mask gain a jarring, nails-on-chalkboard sound. Upon activation, the wearer transforms into a miasmic green vapor supporting the still solid mask. The mask flies 60 feet leaving a trail of vapor along its path.

Any creature in this path may make an attack of opportunity against the mask. If successful the vapors burst into a 5 ft. radius cloud centered on the creature and lasts for one round. The mask flies in a random direction (using 5 feet of its movement) but then continues to the end of its movement. The mask has AC 16 and hardness 6. All damage beyond hardness is passed to the wearer.

Any living creature beginning its turn in the vapor becomes staggered for one round and must make a Will save as the vapors seep through its pores and into its mind. Failure imparts feelings of doom manifesting as a -2 penalty on attacks and saving throws for the round. An affected target must make a new save at the beginning of its turn each round to remove the doom effect. Once a creature successfully saves, they are no longer affected.

The wearer reforms at the mask’s new location on beginning of his next turn.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Persistent Spell; crushing despair, stinking cloud, yeah there is probably a better spell in Occult Adventures; Cost 13,000 gp

apologies for the first draft :)

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Jacob W. Michaels wrote:
If you take "may" out of that sentence, you're left with any character wearing this footwear teleports three times per day. There's no indication of how that happens, that the wearer gets to determine it, etc. etc. It just happens. The "may" is crucial to that sentence (and I think your item), as opposed to passive writing.

I'm with Jacob on this one. When may or can conveys uncertainty or ambiguity, it's a good idea to leave it out. But when leaving out the word changes the meaning, it's not a good idea. Avoiding the words like plague may result in convoluted sentences, often making the text more difficult to understand or easier to misunderstand. Being understood is much more important than worrying about passive language too much.

Categorically rejecting a word... well, you know what they say about dealing in absolutes. ;)

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When should we provide edited versions of our items?

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'Tis up to you really. I usually wait two weeks, so it is halfway between one month and the next's deadline. :)

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Chimeric Hide:

Minor punctuation problems. Such as a comma in the price.

Rather expensive for what is mostly a +1 hide with some special abilities tacked on.

My powergamer question is, why would I want this armor rather than a +2 chain shirt or +1 plate or Dragonhide? Yes, some of the abilities are circumstantially useful but there’s little reason why I’d pick it up something more standard? Abilities are disperate and not particularly powerful.

Thematic Mojo, anyone can copy a monster and go either, oh a Chimera item, or COOL, A CHIMERA ITEM. The latter, makes you go WOW because it seems to capture the spirit of the creature involved. Look at Last Leaves of the Autumn Dryad as an example of this. On the other hand this doesn’t excite me. You want the WOW.

Blind Love Patch:

Well described.
Nice take on ‘love is blind’. Abilities are useful and focused without being a spell in can.

The Profession (matchmaker) is the perfect thing to test out on the 9 blazing months thread to see how people react to it. That said I’d clarify that you mean the Craft Wondrous Item rather than a skill because a craft skill is not needed. Clarify. I personally like this.

Heart shaped eyes? It seems rather Anime-esque which might divide the audience.

Wings of the Night Monarch:

The one thing I noticed about this item that hasn’t been covered by others is 285 words. Nothing wrong with that in general and the item is atmospheric and captures Desna well. However what I picked up on is you were explaining effect after effect and all sorts of corner cases. This is almost the other extreme from SIAC.

Suggestion: For your next practice item, try to make something with 1-2 abilities that can be used different ways by creative players.

Miasmic Vapor Mask:

Creepy and atmospheric i.e. well described. You write very well.

Clear on the effects and to the point. This is good and good to show others on how it’s done.

Still a bit of a SIAC.

Hope this is useful.


New to the challenge and the competition, but I thought to myself hey, could be fun.

Warpath Goggles
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot eyes; Price 14,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb
Description

The leather strap of these brown goggles is inscribed with a series of tribal markings, and the clear lenses have a slight red tint around their edges. Three times per day as a swift action, the wearer may focus on a target, granting him a +2 bonus to his next attack roll against that target. This increases to +4 on the next round, and by an additional +2 every round after that (maximum +10), the red of the lenses expanding inwards until the fifth round, when the lenses have turned completely red.

While this effect is active, the wearer may not make attacks of opportunity against anyone other than the target, and takes a penalty on attack rolls against other enemies equal to his bonus to attack against the target.

This effect remains until the target is dead or the next time the wearer rests. Removing the goggles does not negate the effect, as the wearer's vision remains clouded by a red haze.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item; rage; Cost 7,000 gp

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I did it!
I got through the list!
BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
That took way longer then I thought it would. But I did it! And what do I do immediately after I'm done with those items... I jump into this forum to practice critiquing YOUR items. At the end I'll have an offering for the Contest!

Chimeric Hide

feedback:

Feelings:
I like the inclusion of player choice. It's a simple way to make the "hide" armor more "monster-y". It makes me feel like the character actually killed a Chimera recently, and made something useful from it. I really enjoy the imagery.

The only constructive feedback I can give is the "once a round" powers feel on par for the cost of the item, but being able to change them round-to-round feels like too much. That's a hard balance to strike. I feel like once the animation is "active" it should last a while, then fall dormant, but then it doesn't stand out from other items that are similar.

Blind Love Patch

feedback:

Feelings:
I am torn on this item. I really like the idea, but making charm person as effective as charm monster is kind of alarming. It's taking a spell, and making it way better (I believe the difference in spell level is 2 higher).
That's not to say that's a bad idea, in fact, I think it's charming and in genius. What I REALLY thing this item shines though, is the 2 charge power to make an enchantment spell blast someone who's normally immune. THAT I think is nice, while that immunity is there for a reason, I think this is a nice way to work around it.

Given that, I'm not certain if the GP cost dictates it should get around such immunities, and I feel that those immunities are there for a reason. Mucking with them is odd territory, and handling it can be difficult.

Wings of the Night Monarch

feedback:

Feelings: I like the change to a single pair of war-fans. Rarely are "paired weapons" done well. I have to agree the "if both attacks" feedback is that it still sounds a little clunky, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

I was toying with the phrase "If both butterfly attacks target the same creature, and they hit," but that's just more words to confuse the reader with. So, that's not always a good idea. I'd purchase these and build a character around them.

Miasmic Vapor Mask

feedback:

Feelings: Clear strong imagery! I like the looming mask of doom angle! I got excited! I do NOT like the "annoying voice" mask bit though. That's a bit of a turn off for an otherwise great item.

I can just hear the chalk-scratch-ey voice in my ears now, and it fills me with dread... and that ties into the "Doom" effect very nicely. I enjoy that this is a mask that transports the wearer, but what happens if the mask is destroyed in transport, is that possible? All damage bypasses the mask and goes directly to the wearer? Even outside of the gas form?

Other than those questions though. Love it. Definitely a "musthave" for certain spell caster ideas I have.

Warpath Goggles

feedback:

Feelings:
I thought the challenge was to create goggles that didn't affect sight. I'll admit, My eyes may be a little hazy right now. What I'd like to say is a +4 bonus to attack rolls is nice, and the max +10 is handy.
The slow roll up is good.
However, a pure + bonus on attack rolls is not too creative, and it tends to make the item seem a little less spectacular. It doesn't' demonstrate the cleverness deep within. The "Lack of attacks of opportunity" cost risks the "Drawback for the sake of drawback" design trap. The drawback really doesn't do anything in certain situations.

But to the point: I like the name, and the idea of seeing red is a well written. I'd like to see you do a re-write of this. I hope it helps.

My entry into the challenge:

Spectacles of the Magician
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 11th
Slot eyes; Price 26,500 gp; Weight
Description
A pair of lightly dust laden lenses have tarnished gold trim along the rims, with a swirling wire for the temples. The bridge is a solid piece of copper, which curves ever so gently to emulate the natural bridge of a nose. On close inspection, the lenses seem to be made of the really thin pearl.

Donning the glasses allows the wearer to weave arcane magical energies more elegantly and precisely, as long as the spell in question has somatic components. When a spell with a meta-magic feat applied is cast the energy is not entirely consumed and a small piece is stored in the lenses. The Spectacles of the Magician gain a single “arcane charge”. Arcane charges may be expended as a standard action to regain a single spell with a spell level equal to the number of arcane charges consumed. The spectacles may hold a 5 charges. Charges are lost when the glasses are removed, or the wearer sleeps, or after 12 hours.

The glasses also give the wearer minor protections for his spells, giving the wearer a +1 insight bonus to his caster level checks when resisting dispel magic or similar effects. Should the wearer’s spell be dispelled or suppressed by such an effect, the wearer gets a vague idea of the dispeller’s magical strength by feeling a magical aura as per the detect magic spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, contingency, dispel magic ; Cost 13,250 gp

I render this offering onto you as a Snacrifice. Please, tear it apart, so that I might learn from thy excellence.

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Some thoughts:

First of all, welcome aboard, Fedora.

Your template use looks almost perfect to me. The only thing I noticed was there should be a period after lb in the weight.

I like your name, which IMO is a critical aspect of design that's often overlooked.

I think you could have punched up your description a bit -- try to avoid using forms of "to be." Something like "Tribal markings cover the brown leather strap of these goggles, which have a slight red tint around the edges of their clear lenses" is more active and thus engaging to the reader.

I have an immediate uh-oh reaction when I see you're using a swift action. Action economy's really important and there's a reason it usually takes a standard action to activate an item. I wouldn't deviate from that without a really good reason and I don't think I see one here.

Jarret brings up some good points about mojo, though of course you don't want to use your best ideas on a practice thread, so I always take that with a grain of salt. Just know a simple + item isn't likely to win a lot of votes. I also think going to +10 is too strong. Remember a magic weapon that has a +10 equivalency is a 200,000 gp item. You're allowing that here for 14,000 gp. Yeah, it's got some offsets, but I think that's also way too much, especially since I would likely save this for the BBEG most of the time, meaning the offsets aren't really going to be a big deal. If I were going with that scaling idea, though, I'd have it go up +1 per round with a maximum of +5.

You also do need to give a type of bonus, which is important because those don't stack. Rage gives a morale boost to Strength and Con, so I'd probably go with that, even though this is just giving a bonus to attack and not boosting the stats.

OK, wanted to get the new guy some quick review; off to bed now and will try to critique the other items on Friday. Happy Thanksgiving, all!

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Russ Brown wrote:

In case people need something to get started, here is a design challenge:

Make a mask or other face/eye slot item that does something other than affect the wearer's vision. So no granting or extending of low-light vision or darkvision or bonuses to Peception checks.

Just saw this yesterday and could not help trying my hand at it. In all honesty this is far too addictive.

So, here goes nothing :

Blind Man’s Scarf
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 9th
Slot eyes; Price 40,000 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This unassuming black veil is worn over the eyes, as if intended to mask some debilitating injury. Crafted of silky gossamer strands, it does not impair the wearer’s perception in any way.

When activating the scarf, the wearer can choose any creature he is aware of. If the chosen creature is within 60 feet of the scarf when it is activated, it must succeed at a DC17 Will save or lose any special senses (such as darkvision, tremorsense, blindsense) that the wearer does not currently possess and suffer from any effect that negatively affects the wearer’s perception (such as the clouded vision oracle curse or the blinded condition). This lasts for one round.

Once per day, if the wearer removes the scarf from his eyes when activating it, its ability instead affects all creatures within 60 feet.

Once removed, donning the scarf again is a move action and does not provoke attacks of opportunity.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blindness/deafness, oracle’s burden; Cost 20,000 gp

I will put feedback on the previous items when I have the time to review them :-)

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OK, some other reviews/thoughts:

Blind Love Patch
Template use looks good. nice job.

This is an interesting idea, though I do think I agree with some of the other comments. I think the switching from fluff to crunch to fluff to crunch felt a little odd. I also think it got cartoonish with the affected creatures' eyes being hearts, though I could certainly see that working in certain games. I like the effort at really making it visual but I think it would turn me off more than help me.

I think it's taking a risk letting it affect some immunities -- such as sleep for an elf or dragon -- but I like the idea, I think. It'd need some cleaning up still, but I think this'd be something I'd consider voting for.

Miasmic Vapor Mask
Template use looks good of course, though I couldn't find that last spell in a search of the prd or d20pfsrd.net. Is it from a non-official source? :p

I think your first graf is really choppy (ah, I see at the end this is a first draft). I'm not quite sure what eyes of green vapor are and it feels like the first sentence is backward (I assume it's to get the more interesting details first, but it just doesn't flow). It finishes by saying the mask flies 60 ft., not the character wearing it.

I think this item has some neat potential -- the visuals are fantastic -- but definitely needs a couple editing passes. I'm not 100 percent clear how the mask moves, and how the wearer is interacted with as it's moving. I also wouldn't mind seeing a slightly more exciting effect of the vapor, though the movement/trail aspects may be more important parts of this (i.e. it can have a basic stinking cloud or doom or whatever effect, with the Superstar aspect being just how it's area of effect is determined).

Spectacles of the Magician
You have an extraneous space before the semi-colon before cost, but template otherwise looks good. The name of the item should be lowercase and in italics in the body of the description.

The item has a nice description, though I think it maybe goes along a touch too long. You say it looks like dust-laden lenses to start, then say they *seem to be* really thin pearl. Don't tell me what they seem to be, just what they are. And I'd probably pick just one description (in this case, the pearl, since that's more exciting).

I think your second paragraph is a little unclear.

You write, "Donning the glasses allows the wearer to weave arcane magical energies more elegantly and precisely, as long as the spell in question has somatic components. When a spell with a meta-magic feat applied is cast the energy is not entirely consumed and a small piece is stored in the lenses."

However, I think I'd put the glasses allows the wearer to weaver arcane magical energies more elegantly and precisely. The fact that the spell has to have somatic components isn't part of what donning the glasses allows, so should go in the next sentence: "When a spell with somatic components is cast with a metamagic (which should be one word, no hyphen) feat..."

It's also not 100 percent clear to me how it works. I think I basically gain charges as I cast the specified type of spells, up to five? For the main power, I'm not super excited about it (though as always, I try to keep in mind that 9 Blazing Months is for practice and shouldn't necessarily have Superstar ideas). It's a pearl of power that get charged by spellcasting. I think I'd like to see it work more as some sort of magus arcane pool that can affect spells, perhaps allowing the points to be used as levels to apply metamagic feats.

The final graf feels really like it's gilding the lily. It's not really getting into SAK but I think it detracts from the main power of the item. Furhtermore, I'm not sure you really resist dispel magic. I'd simply say it has +1 CL vs. effects that aftect the spell, such as dispel magic.

Not loving your spell choices for this, though I'm not quite sure what would be better. Pearls of power of course have no spell requirement, but I don't think that's a good choice for Superstar.

Blind Man’s Scarf
I like this a lot. Plays with some neat areas, uses a perfect spell in oracle's burden... I'm not sure the big burst ability would be super popular as the wording means it would also affect allies within 60 feet (which usually includes all allies, since groups rarely get that separated).

You have a few small wording issue that you should try to match with Paizo's style. For example, I'd write "When activating the scarf, the wearer can choose any creature within 60 feet he is aware of. The target must succeed at a DC 17 Will save or lose any special senses..." I'd also say "donning the scarf again is a move action *THAT* does not provoke attacks of opportunity."

I was going to raise the duration as a concern -- 1 round (don't spell out one) seems short and would mean I might have to spend my whole combat just activating this each round, which isn't super exciting. A short duration might work better. On the other hand, a short duration might mean I'd want this limited in terms of uses/day and I like that it's not. Truthfully, though, I'd probably make a longer duration and limit the number of uses per day.

I think my other big concern is price. For 40,000 gp, I'm not sure how many people would keep this. Eyes isn't the most popular slot so it's got that working for it, but with that price, you're not looking to have this until 10th level. I'm not sure that a DC 17 Will save would be that effective by that time, which reduces the value. Even if that's the price as determined by the pricing chart, I think I'd halve it due to its circumstantial nature.

Still, overall, I really like this item. Nice job, TRB.

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Welcome FedoraFerret!

FedoraFerret wrote:
Warpath Goggles

*I too like the increasing rolling bonus, I would like to see the penalty to non-targets roll as well.

*as written, I can free action for a +2 on my next attack, and since I am a two weapon fighter can get +2 on second attack with another free action. Next round I can +4/+4. I don't think that is what is intended, there is some confusion of next attack/next round that needs clearing up.
*good design eye on removing the goggles catch. I like rage as it plays into the red haze flavor quite well. Perhaps you worked with rage and came up with the haze, but as a reader, the connection came after I got to the construction requirements.

Well done, bring us more :)

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Jarrett Sigler wrote:

Spectacles of the Magician

*the description feels overdone. gold, copper, dust, pearl; bridge, lenses, temple, frames. I think the strongest images are swirling wire, and thin pearl so I would work around those.

** "...hold a 5 charges...." is missing a word I think. Total, up to?
*** metamagics are prohibitivly expensive for me. Most of them can't be used until 7th level, & I have a really hard time finding a low-level spell that when enhanced is better than the a spell of the slot it will be taking (enlarged burning hands vs. fireball). Meta-magic rods worsen the effect making it cheap to get a meta-spell. I would like the system to fall somewhere in between and your spectacles do that, it's like a 20% discount on meta spells :) That said, I think this will have to do something better than a meta-rod to actually see any use.

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The Raven Black wrote:


Blind Man’s Scarf

Where you burwned wid acid or someding? :)

* "...at a DC17 Will save... is missing a space.
** at first I thought removing scent, tremorsense and the like was too powerful. Especially as it removes 'all' of senses. But a one round duration might be enough to mitigate this. Activating it is a standard so it really only lets the wearer make a move action that the target won't notice. (Unless the target has eyes, and is aware of the wearer a very good chance). This makes it a very niche item, which at 40k seems to high.
***I like the affect all within 60 ft. affect. It creates an 'invisibility cloak' or 'hide in plain site' for the user in a more mundane way which I found creative.

Nice work.

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Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it!
I'm working on trying to ensure more "Effect Clarity" in my items, as the major feedback in clarity.

Anyone have any tips for helping to write clearer effects?

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I tend to overcomplicate things, but I think I would recommend single sentence. An 'elevator pitch' of sorts.

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My first reviews. They might be a bit rough to read, as I tend to be too direct when I try to sum up my impressions (I blame it on not being a native speaker). They are definitely intended as constructive but honest and not at all as personal attacks. Do not hesitate to correct me if I am too abrasive. I am here to learn too ;-)

Personal Pickler:

I do not like these heavy, rather expensive, one-shot items. They feel far too much like plot devices to me. Especially if they are something an NPC caster could do just as easily (at least the latter would involve some RP potential).

Others have already detailed the format problems I noticed. The ones that stand out to me are the Capital letters, the dual aura, the missing comma in the price. Be careful about these as they stand in the opening of your item and immediately color the reader’s opinion.

The item does not really awe either through its description (that focuses on the mundane and does not use the potential for gross that a pickled corpse or creating a ghoul do have) or its powers (SiaC). And it does have a SAK feeling because its two possible uses are diametrically opposed.

I think you should focus on one aspect and introduce some variation that is unexpected or difficult to replicate via spell or class feature. Grasp your basic idea (as exemplified by the required spells), identify what makes it tick for you and push it further, into territory that the spells do not dare tread.

An example that came to my mind : get some Eidolon evolutions in addition to the reincarnate effect (same idea of coming back to life but changed). In the same vein, apply some template to the ghoul if you go that way, or have it become a reincarnate for undead (random result).

CONCLUSION : you’ve got good visions/ base concepts for your items. Do not hesitate to embrace them and twist and push them, while still keeping close (but not identical) to the existing framework of the game.

Chimeric Hide:

SAK territory : tread with utmost caution. Here the powers are not original enough to show that you made this concept your own rather than rely on the mojo of the mythological monster.

The introductory stats : missing a comma in the price and CL seems a bit low compared with the price.

That is one expensive +1 armor. It better be worth the cost.

Too much detail in the description. The patchwork text combined with the name were enough for me to get it. The rest lays it too thick and eats precious wordcount. Not to mention that readers who care about style might want some freedom with how it looks, while those who don’t will just get bored.

The granting +1 bonus to armor is unclear : is it the base enchantment or is it in addition. And why get the -1 to ACP ? Is it in addition to the one it gets from being Masterwork armor ? What justifies it ?

Note also that your sentence should be shorter : “In addition to x, y AND z” makes it too complicated to read easily.
The wording for the choice of ability seems a bit off. You should base it on a similar official PFRPG wording (ie, Blessings of fervor). If you did, great for you.

The effects are ok, but not awe-inspiring, regrettably. Also you did not list their duration. The text about the choice seems to imply 1 round, but in RPGSS, it is always better to be explicit and state it openly.

What Mikko said about the hide of a chimera requirement ;-)

CONCLUSION : I think you can do much better by daring to tread into unknown concept territory that will really be your own, rather than rely on existing concepts. This should help you create more flavorful abilities for your items. To improve your wording, take a look at how official items and effects are worded (PRD search definitely is your friend). And ask some people to review your item’s wording before you submit it ;-)

Wings of the Night Monarch:

This item has a lot going for it, but it must be more focused both in its description and the wording of its abilities.

The description is slightly heavy handed for my taste : gossamer silks and resplendent patterns in the same short sentence, immediately followed by ivory guard and shimmering stars in an even shorter sentence. It feels a little like Fashion Week for adventurers ;-)

I agree with the “may” wording and also you should be clear on the action needed : standard (for activation) or an attack action or maybe even free/swift.

And another descriptive sentence (good) with a bit too much flourish (less good).

The stats for the attack should be the same as the fan : simpler and less wordcount.

What they said for holy damage. Maybe give the fan the holy property and concentrate on the feint effect (which is the best thing here IMO). The wording might be slightly enhanced (but see below).

At first I did not like the dual wielding thing, but when trying to write it differently (like a target being struck by several stars in a round), I realized that due to the game mechanics, it is the easiest way to describe what you are going for.

Note though that describing the pair makes the whole too complicated AND limits you to 2-hands tactics. What about a creature with 4 arms, or an adventurer with more than 2 fans and the quickdraw feat ?

This is where the visual you have in your mind for the weapon’s power can become a hindrance rather than a boon.

I agree too that using the dazed condition with a little, but not too much, descriptive text would be best.

Also do not use a different mechanic (feint vs automatic bonus to hit) depending on the number of stars attacking, as it becomes too complicated and maybe not what most benefits the item’s owner. After all, losing DEX to AC might actually be worse than a +4 to the attack.

I think your item could benefit from the following :
1) Describe a single fighting fan, maybe saying that they often come by pairs
2) the activation must take place as part of an attack action (but still once per round for each fan)
3) If the attacker aims more than one star at a single target within the same full attack, they all grant some bonus to the feint check (say +5 per additional star) and the check applies to all attacks.
4) If more than a star hit, the target is dazed for one round per star that hit it beyond the first. Actually, maybe a single star hitting could be enough for 1 round of daze effect.

The recharge effect should use a single way to take place (like regenerating when night falls, or even after 6 hours). Otherwise, you risk running into unnecessary ruleslawyering.

CONCLUSION : you have a strong ability for enticing concepts and putting them down in appropriate mechanics, as well as a talent for vivid description. Now, you need to pare them down to the essential, especially by focusing on what makes your concept different. And do not hesitate to reuse existing mechanics if they are close enough to what you need.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

4 people marked this as a favorite.

December Challenge:
Design a holiday themed monster? Anyone down for that?
By holiday theme, I mean any holiday you particularly care a lot about.

Silver Crusade RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9 aka mechaPoet

Some more critiques:

Miasmic Vapor Mask:
*The effects are useful and cinematic: it’s a nice AoE control/debuff mechanic, plus it seems like you could use it to fly somewhere in a pinch. Your writing is strong, but there are occasional typos and some passive voice that it probably wouldn't be too hard to change around.

*Mechanically It's very clear. The only thing missing is the vapor’s duration.

*Although the image of a flying mask trailing green vapor behind it is neat and pretty spooky, I'm not feeling a lot of thematic cohesion here. To put it another way, I don't know if the form matches the function. In my mind, there's no obvious connection between “alabaster mask” and “item that turns me into a trail of debilitating green mist.” For a given item, that can be fine, but I think yours is weaker for that lack of connection. It's definitely hard, though, when the specific challenge is to make something that covers the eyes and doesn't affect vision! I think improving this aspect would be the most helpful in making this item Superstar for me.

Warpath Goggles:

*The visuals on this are simple, but I think they work well with the straightforward power of the item, and it's a nice play on “seeing red.” I think “tribal” might be too broad as to not really mean anything here, though. Maybe pick some monsters to reference here, or something more specifically related to rage and anger.

*Mechanically, I think you've got a good base, but there are definitely some issues that others have pointed out. Namely: untyped bonuses are generally rare, swift action activation is perhaps too strong, the maximum bonus is quite large for the build up time and price (even with the drawbacks). Also, flat bonuses aren't super exciting - the slow build up is neat, but the other issues keep this from being Superstar. I would Focus on paring this down in revision and exchanging raw power for unique abilities.

Spectacles of the Magician:

*What a pleasant physical description!... Right up until the end of the first paragraph! The “really” in “really thin pearl” is an empty intensifier, and steals a lot of impact from your writing! This might be a pet peeve of mine, but I think omitting the word entirely will make a world of difference. You have a couple of typos and some notable passive voice construction, but generally the writing is clear.

*Mechanically, we've got some glasses that reward the use of metamagic by building up a pearl of power type effect. There's also some minor dispel defense and a strange detect magic effect that tells you about hostile spell casters. The first is definitely useful, but I don't find it particularly innovative or thematically wowing. The latter is confusing. Detect magic doesn't let you get a sense of a spell caster’s power like detect evil; it's specially for items and lingering magical effects, not people/entities. But maybe that would be an interesting direction for revision if you wanted to flesh that out.

Blind Man's Scarf:

*A blindfold that negatively affects other creatures’ vision is a really neat idea! The single target/multiple target uses are fun and useful as well, and I like the visual of removing the item to activate it's AoE ability.

*The biggest hangup I have is that the single target ability seems to have unlimited uses. Targets have to save each time, and it only lasts one round, but it still feels odd to me. Maybe limiting use to once per creature per day and extending the duration a little would feel more in line with how these things usually work in Pathfinder.

*It occurs to me that this item is actually less useful the more senses you have. I think that's the point, but the oracle is specifically named as a class that could benefit from this. Even though you can potentially impose your clouded vision on enemies, as you grow in level you gain more senses and therefore can't take away senses like darkvision and blindsense that you gain! Just a strange hiccup I noticed.

Jarrett Sigler wrote:

December Challenge:

Design a holiday themed monster? Anyone down for that?
By holiday theme, I mean any holiday you particularly care a lot about.

I have just the thing in mind! I'll start working on it once I do a revision.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

My second batch of reviews :

Blind Love Patch:

I like the concept and most of the execution, though I feel you could have gone a bit further with it. Also you seem to enjoy being on the verge of doing a joke item and this might prove your undoing in RPGSS.

Description is a bit hard to visualize and feels quite mundane.

The description of the ability is ok, though it might be streamlined a bit.

The side effects of the activation bring nothing and distract from the item and its abilities. Maybe they should give a bonus to identify that an effect is being used and who did it.

Also they border on joke item’s territory, which is definitely not safe in RPGSS.

I like that the use of two charges brings more powerful abilities, though again I feel that the description of the ability is a little bit clunky. I appreciate that examples are provided, but I wonder if some clearer wording might dispense with them altogether (and save on wordcount). It is not clear though whether expending the two charges also gives the advantages of expending 1 charge only (I think it should).

Does the improvement of the HD limit applies to expanding the range of spells such as Color Spray ? I think it should.

I dislike the limit on never being able to affect mindless creatures, especially given the price of the item. I think a third ability using 3 charges and lifting that restriction (as well as all the previous ones), as well as adding your full caster level to the HD limit, would be a perfect fit.

I do not like the Profession (matchmaker) bit : feels too much like a joke item, and a private joke at that. It is also quite unnecessary.

I do not get why Blindness/Deafness is in the spell requirements. Especially since it is a necromancy spell but the aura does not show it. This is too far-fetched for me. I feel some other spell would be good, but none comes to mind right now. Maybe some ability to affect mindless creatures would fit there. Or a spell with a limit on HDs affected.

CONCLUSION : There is a lot of potential here, but do not become a prisoner of either your visuals or your instinct for jokes.

Miasmic Vapor Mask:

It is a great concept with mostly interesting visuals, but the mechanics definitely need to be reworded for greater clarity and more focus.

I like the visuals, but I dislike the change to the voice since it brings absolutely nothing and seems in no way related to the item’s abilities. It feels like you tried too hard to add sensory info that were not only visual.

I have a lot of trouble figuring what happens when a creature succeeds in hitting the mask and how it relates to the single line described at the beginning. If the mask changes direction, does it keep moving in that new direction or does it goes back to its original path ? By retreading its “steps” or by making a beeline to its original destination ?

And if it strays from its path, do the creatures it “avoided” still get the opportunity of an AoO ? What about those who were not on the original path but are on the new one ?

Come to think of it, it is not written in which direction the mask originally flies. Is it random or the wearer’s choice ?

Also, you indicate the duration of a burst, but not that of the original trail. I guess it is 1 round too. But in RPGSS I should not be guessing.

The effect on a failed will save feels like the shaken condition. Why not use it ? The difference is not that big and you will save precious wordcount.

From the last sentence, I get that the wearer spends the whole round in vapor state at the mask’s final location. If so can it be attacked or targeted with a spell ? And what would be the results ?

In the requirements, gaseous form would be better than stinking cloud IMO.

CONCLUSION : very cool concept and visuals, but you need to work on translating them in clearer mechanics.

Warpath Goggles:

A lot of potential here despite a HUGE balance issue.

Very small formatting issue : it is lb.

Excellent description. On par with what I can find in the CRB. It feels really professional.

It seems that the bonus only occurs on the first attack in the round, but it is not quite clear.

If not, this item is far too powerful. Actually, even if it only affects the first attack, it is quite cheap for what it does.

Even the two drawbacks are not restrictive enough. Though they do fit the theme of the item.

Just realized that these goggles can be used with ranged attacks and since you can remove them and still benefit from the item’s effect, you can stack these with other archer-enhancing eyes items such as the sniper goggles. This really goes in the far too good territory.

CONCLUSION : You have enormous potential but you really need to work on the balance issues. Beware of adding drawbacks : most RPGSS voters dislike them and you run the risk of diluting your item’s impact.

Spectacles of the Magician:

Interesting concept but both description and abilities would gain a lot from some good streamlining.

The first sentence of the description was quite enough. The rest lays it too thick and uses up precious word count.

The description of how you use the item feels a bit too descriptive for my taste. After the already overly detailed physical description, I feel like reading a novel.

Why restrict this to spells with somatic components ? I get the idea behind the visuals but you would gain from going beyond it in the mechanics.

In fact, it is not clear if the charging occurs for any metamagicked spell or only those with somatic components. And in RPGSS, it should be crystal clear.

You speak of expending charges but refer to the number of charges consumed. I guess they are the same, but I should not be guessing. Use always the same word for the same effect.

I think the usual parlance is “may hold up to 5 charges”. PRD search is your friend.

I agree that the effect is not original. Something dealing with metamagic might better suit its charging condition. Maybe reducing the slot cost of a metamagic spell.

Too many conditions for losing the charges : one should be enough, two at most to prevent powergaming through sharing the glasses. My choice : when the glasses are removed or when the wearer next prepares his spells. That might even be unnecessary if you change the effect.

The last part with all the small additional abilities is unnecessary and changes your item into an almost boring SAK. Get rid of it.

I do not get why dispel magic appears in the requirements. I would much rather require the creator to have a metamagic feat (any metamagic feat actually).

CONCLUSION : You have the instinct for interesting mechanics and enticing visuals, but you need to streamline and focus and polish them more.

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

Jarrett Sigler wrote:

December Challenge:

Design a holiday themed monster? Anyone down for that?
By holiday theme, I mean any holiday you particularly care a lot about.

At first, I thought "How can I even imagine a monster with this theme ?"

And in less than one minute, I had the idea by taking the theme and twisting it beyond recognition.

Which is almost exactly how I got the idea for my item some posts above.

Interesting to see how my creative juices flow.

So, yes, I will design kind of a holiday themed monster ;-)

Liberty's Edge Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Jarrett Sigler wrote:

Thanks for all the feedback everyone. I really appreciate it!

I'm working on trying to ensure more "Effect Clarity" in my items, as the major feedback in clarity.

Anyone have any tips for helping to write clearer effects?

Single sentences, as Curaigh mentioned. It is actually far harder than it looks.

Say exactly what the item does. Not how or why it does it.

Use always the same words to say the same thing. Boring I know, but you really need to put your inner novelist under tight control.

Read many items in the CRB or UE until the Paizo style of wording becomes second nature.

Use the PRD search to check how your item's abilities (or other similar ones) are described and stick to this as much as possible.

Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9

2 people marked this as a favorite.
Adventure Path Charter Subscriber; Pathfinder Rulebook, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

One tip for effect clarity, you will love this one...

Get Wayfinder 14. It's free.

Read my article on a creatures essence - a creature design article that actually starts with putting away the books!

Yup, that's right. What the article tries to do is illustrate how really concentrating on your design theme and identifying what you want it to do first, that the wording is clearer after.

Quite a lot of woolly wording comes from feeling your way through what you design as you design it, so put away all the stat blocks, the books and start with a simple shopping list of effects and abilities.

Once you pare that down to a cohesive set, the writing part should follow a lot cleaner and it should fit easier into the templates.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Curtisin

1 person marked this as a favorite.
Kim Frandsen wrote:

Dotting this up myself, as I'll be joining in.

Current deadline estimate: The last day of each month. (Though I'll probably have to skip December due to work constraints).

Well I'm mising this deadline unfortunately, due to work considerations.

However, that means I'm going to up the ante for the end of this month. By end of December, both item AND a Holiday themed Monster will be posted.

Shadow Lodge Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9

Blame Russ. It's not something I'd enter in the contest but its design is good practice.

Groetus’ Mask
Aura strong enchantment; CL 13th
Slot head; Price 114,000 gp; Weight 2 lbs.
Description

The work of ‘inspired’ madmen, these delicate iron masks resembles an ashen faced skull with dark, hollow eyes with an uncaring expression. It covers the entire head.

The wearer is connected to the mind of Groetus, the enigmatic god of empty places, ruins, oblivion, and the end of all. Under the influence of the uncaring god, the wearer is under a continuous calm emotions spell (DC 20 Will to resist if wearer takes damage). This uncaring state is such that those are wearing will not care to remove the mask.

If worn for an extended period, this state of mind can do long term damage. For every 24 hours worn the wearer must make a DC 20 Will save or acquire one of the following.

d%Insanity
1–16 Amnesia
17–32 Mania/Phobia
33–49 Multiple Personality Disorder
50–66 Paranoia
67–83 Psychosis
83–100 Schizophrenia

Those so affected may only be affected once by a given mask. This effect may be removed with greater restoration, heal, limited wish, miracle, or wish.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, calm emotions, Crafter must be insane (see Game Mastery Guide). This counts as the Insanity spell for purposes of item creation. Cost 54,000 gp

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