I have it saved, so I will post them up for you, for the various rounds. It is worth noting though that the rounds can change each year, and that you are not allowed to have others work on your submissions.
I'll post them as soon as I get a chance. (currently online from a phone).
Holy cow! You folks have already posted more than I have time to look at! :)
Anyhow, I'll be trawling these forums again as I'm starting to get something of a schedule again!
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I have it saved, so I will post them up for you, for the various rounds. It is worth noting though that the rounds can change each year, and that you are not allowed to have others work on your submissions.
I'll post them as soon as I get a chance. (currently online from a phone).
Thank you I appreciate that.. That being said I could prob give you a small class on Dundjinni. We'd just have to figure out the logistics.
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Here are the rules from last season, so that it's easy to find:
Round 1: Create a wondrous item, magic armor or magic weapon.. - This has so far always been the first round, though magic armor or magic weapon is a newer addition.
Round 2: Create an Encounter Map.
Round 3: Create a Bestiary entry.
Round 5: Submit a Sodden Lands Adventure proposal. - This is always the last round (at least so far) as it'll be what you have to create to win. (though Sodden Lands was only for this year).
And thanks for the offer of the Dundjinni Class, unfortunately I don't think I'll be having the time for it anytime soon, as work is heating up (and when not at work, I'm either spending time with my family, travelling or trying my damndest to get a submission ready for "Here be Monsters 2" competition. :)
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Hello!
It's been a while. I've been hard at work on some things.
Here's the first!
I helped out with this.
Thanks to everyone for helping me become a strong enough writer for this to happen! It's another step, and I feel it's wrong not to include you folks in thanks for helping me get here!
Congrats Jarrett!
Nice one Jarrett, congratulations. :)
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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Congrats!! Orcs! That's a very cool looking cover. :)
Here's one of my latest freelance projects: Gallows of Madness
Congrats!! Orcs! That's a very cool looking cover. :)
Here's one of my latest freelance projects: Gallows of Madness
That looks really fun!
Just out of curiosity, how did you two hook up with the various publishers? I don't remember seeing any open calls from them, so did you just send them something from the submission guidelines that they have?
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Kim, I saw an open call for a project. I approached the nice person about it, and told them who I was. They asked me to do a small write up. I did.
Then the asked me to do another project, because the first one wasn't a perfect fit. And here I am now.
And now, I have the problem I have for some reason always desired... Staring at a Template in word... trying to fill out all the blanks... and I'm suffering writer's block. However, I couldn't be more excited to be doing this.
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Contributor
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Two years ago, after RPGSS 2014 ended, I contacted a developer, got an assignment, did a good job at it, and it kinda snowballed from there.
It's a funny story, actually, how and why I decided to contact Paizo about freelance work. If you meet me at a con and buy me a beer, I'll tell you everything about it. :D
Two years ago, after RPGSS 2014 ended, I contacted a developer, got an assignment, did a good job at it, and it kinda snowballed from there.
It's a funny story, actually, how and why I decided to contact Paizo about freelance work. If you meet me at a con and buy me a beer, I'll tell you everything about it. :D
DEAL!
Two years ago, after RPGSS 2014 ended, I contacted a developer, got an assignment, did a good job at it, and it kinda snowballed from there.
It's a funny story, actually, how and why I decided to contact Paizo about freelance work. If you meet me at a con and buy me a beer, I'll tell you everything about it. :D
Deal. Now I just need to get to a con. :P
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Not a lot of action here, perhaps most people are distracted by HBM2. But the wait for the reveals will be a while, so how about a new challenge?
I'll draw some harrow cards for theme options.
Weapon, Armor, or Wondrous Item up to 300 words (Same terms as the opening round of RPGSS Season 9)
Theme: Pick one (or more) of the following themes to represent in your item.
The Carnival: This is the chaotic neutral card of wisdom. It represents illusions and false dreams.
The Paladin: This is the lawful good card of strength. It represents standing resolutely against trouble, without backing down.
The Beating: This is the neutral evil card of strength. It represents an assault from all quarters, or the mental dissolution of the self.
I'll be cooking up something as well using that as a guideline. Been meaning to get something done for a while now, but I came down with a case of food poisoning. Going to leave my deadline open for the moment.
I want to thank Isaac for his contest.
I'll go ahead and throw in a submission for the beating.
You will find it's quite literal.
Riot Club
Aura Moderate illusion; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 50,301 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This club is stained a deep toxic brown color with a white-wrapped linen cloth around the handle. The head of the club is capped in brass, with tiny engravings of hundreds of club wielding figures running towards a single person. A single leather strap hangs in knotted around then handle.
This is a +2 anarchic club that pulses in the hand of the wilder. Once per day as a standard action, the wielder may point at a single creature with the club and create 1d4 humanoids with clubs. The humanoids that were created are shadowy duplicates that threaten squares but only for the sake of flanking the singled-out creature. Each shadow duplicate has a move speed of 30 feet, and an AC of 10, and fail all saving throws.
These shadowy duplicates remain for 6 rounds after which they turn to ash and blow away. When struck or dealt damage from any source, they disappear, and reappear 1 round later adjacent to the club wielder.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, mirror image, shadow conjuration; Cost 25,150 gp
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JS, your item is so similar to the one I am designing that it is both unnerving and a bit disheartening. Still I will finish and post it asap so we can see how they differ. Now I must refrain from reading yours again so that I do not steal your design choices, even unvoluntarily
JS, your item is so similar to the one I am designing that it is both unnerving and a bit disheartening. Still I will finish and post it asap so we can see how they differ. Now I must refrain from reading yours again so that I do not steal your design choices, even unvoluntarily
Ack! Sorry, The Raven Black.
But, I take solace in the idea that if we both immediately jumped on the same idea; it must be a good or natural idea to go with. Perhaps you can write a better version of it than I!
I encourage you to write your own version. Raise that bar, and be awesome. We can talk about how we went different directions.
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JS, your item is so similar to the one I am designing that it is both unnerving and a bit disheartening. Still I will finish and post it asap so we can see how they differ. Now I must refrain from reading yours again so that I do not steal your design choices, even unvoluntarilyAck! Sorry, The Raven Black.
But, I take solace in the idea that if we both immediately jumped on the same idea; it must be a good or natural idea to go with. Perhaps you can write a better version of it than I!
I encourage you to write your own version. Raise that bar, and be awesome. We can talk about how we went different directions.
No problem and thank you for your sportsmanship and your good words :-)
I'll spoiler my feedback to Jarrett's Riot Club in case TRB doesn't want the distraction (and since I'm including suggestions).
A mid-high tier club, that's something you don't see often and that's cool!
Name: Straightforward, but I initially thought it would be a billy club for quelling riots used by authority figures, like riot shields in real life. Perhaps Rioting Club.
Aesthetic: Great, I love that it's stained, has a grip, and the brass cap certainly feels appropriate to a beating. Not too sure about fitting engravings of hundreds of club wielding figures on just the cap though, seems like you'd need a magnifying glass. I also like how the illusions turn to ash and blow away, rather than just flickering out. There's some cinema there.
Mechanics: Quick quibble: typo in the first line "wilder". I'd want some rules clarification on where the illusions are created. They have a move speed, but do they have to be commanded to move (if so, what kind of action is it?) or do they automatically follow the target (if so, when? Start of wielder's turn?). What's the range of the initial use of the ability? I assume these illusions are shadows and thus can't just be moved through due to the source spell, Shadow Conjuration, but I'm not sure if you should specify that or not. The CL is 7, so why do the images stay 6 rounds rather than 7? I really like that the images reform, the persistence is good.
Possible edits: I think you've got a good concept and flavor for this item, but at the 50k price point I want a more powerful ability (especially if it's once per day) than consistent flanking (since I might be able to get that from real allies anyway!). What else can these clubbing partners do? Perhaps share your Teamwork feats? Aid Another your attack rolls? Look like the wielder to actually grant a mirror image effect (somewhat counter to the theme)? Create a riotous cacophony that distracts the foe?
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I also gravitated towards the beating- -but more towards the second half of the description.
Headstrong Helm
Aura Moderate Enchantment; CL 11th
Slot head; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
First crafted by Kellid tribes living near the borders of Irrisen, this steel helmet is constantly tarnished with grime. Its visor is rusted open; no amount of willful force can budge it.
Whenever the wearer is confused, the visor snaps shut, and the wearer receives a +2 circumstance bonus to Strength, and the results for the confused condition’s d% roll are modified as follows:
0-50% Attack nearest foe
51-100% Attack nearest creature
Moreover, three times per day, if you are under the effect of an mind-affecting effect that would determine your actions, you may instead act as if you have the confused (including the modified results above). This use does not require an action. At the end of this round, the affect resumes and the suppressed rounds do not count against its total duration.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull’s strength, confusion, rage; Cost 6,000 gp
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Ack so much catching up to do... I still have a holiday themed monster & a random map to attach. Now a new challenge. And way more to comment on than I can guess.
I am still lurking though, :)
Congratulations Jarrett :)
Congratulations Mikko! Looking forward to your module :)
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Musketeers’ Blade
Aura moderate conjuration and illusion; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 44,220 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Golden symbols of eternal friendship adorn the four sided basket hilt of this +2 courageous mithral rapier. Its featherlight blade easily whirls around, catching and diffracting light as if engraved with minute rainbows. Holding the warm leather of the handle evokes the steady grip of a reliable ally, enabling the wielder to stand resolutely against trouble, without backing down.
When activated with a deft flourish of the blade, three illusory doubles of the wielder spring into existence adjacent to the target creature, forming a cross with the wielder, with the target creature at its center. The doubles always keep their relative positions while staying adjacent to the target creature, even if this puts them in an occupied space.
These illusions deliver to the target creature a sensory assault from all quarters. Taking advantage of this pandemonium, the wielder can benefit from flanking and teamwork feats as if the doubles were allies with the same feats threatening the target creature.
The doubles cannot make any attack nor take any action.
Any creature can attack a double to destroy it. The doubles have the same AC as the wielder. If the attack is a hit, the double is destroyed. Area spells do not destroy any of the doubles. Spells and effects that do not require an attack roll do not destroy any of the doubles.
Once activated and unless destroyed, the doubles last for 7 rounds or until the wielder sheathes the musketeers’ blade, whichever happens first.
Once per day, the wielder can switch place with one of the doubles as if using the dimension door spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, dimension door, heroism, mirror image, remove fear; Cost 22,620 gp
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I want to thank Isaac for his contest.
I'll go ahead and throw in a submission for the beating.
You will find it's quite literal.
Riot Club
Aura Moderate illusion; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 50,301 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
This club is stained a deep toxic brown color with a white-wrapped linen cloth around the handle. The head of the club is capped in brass, with tiny engravings of hundreds of club wielding figures running towards a single person. A single leather strap hangs in knotted around then handle.This is a +2 anarchic club that pulses in the hand of the wilder. Once per day as a standard action, the wielder may point at a single creature with the club and create 1d4 humanoids with clubs. The humanoids that were created are shadowy duplicates that threaten squares but only for the sake of flanking the singled-out creature. Each shadow duplicate has a move speed of 30 feet, and an AC of 10, and fail all saving throws.
These shadowy duplicates remain for 6 rounds after which they turn to ash and blow away. When struck or dealt damage from any source, they disappear, and reappear 1 round later adjacent to the club wielder.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magical Arms and Armor, mirror image, shadow conjuration; Cost 25,150 gp
Great idea, excellent descriptions, but mechanics really need clarification.
Formatting looks quite good. Some small typos ("then handle", "the hand of the wilder") that could make your item lose a few votes in the final culls of RPGSS when it would be paired with other good items.
The description is simply awesome and fits the theme excellently.
The mechanics though need clarification. What kind of humanoid are the shadows ? Of what size (which affects the damage of the clubs). Can they throw their clubs ?
BTW, can the shadows even attack ? Shadow Conjuration and the price imply so, but threatens squares but only to provide flanking seems to mean they only threaten the target creature and cannot attack. In any case, this should be clarified.
Note that this gives the wielder's player more creatures to control, which can be a bother at some tables or to some players (ie, why so many people dislike summons and summoners).
Note also that 1d4 might lose you a small part of the votes as some RPGSS voters do not like random elements at all.
Why is the duration limited to 6 rounds when the CL is 7th ? Description of how they disappear is great though.
Do the shadows act on the wielder's initiative ? If so, reappearing one full round after being struck actually costs them one round of duration, which seems a bit steep for me considering the price and the once per day limitation.
BTW why is the club anarchic ? I do not see this as bringing anything to the theme and as a +2 equivalent, it really ups the price.
Conclusion : nice job with room for improvement on the description of mechanics.
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Musketeers' blade:Musketeers’ Blade Aura moderate conjuration and illusion; CL 7th
Slot none; Price 44,220 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
Golden symbols of eternal friendship adorn the four sided basket hilt of this +2 courageous mithral rapier. Its featherlight blade easily whirls around, catching and diffracting light as if engraved with minute rainbows. Holding the warm leather of the handle evokes the steady grip of a reliable ally, enabling the wielder to stand resolutely against trouble, without backing down.When activated with a deft flourish of the blade, three illusory doubles of the wielder spring into existence adjacent to the target creature, forming a cross with the wielder, with the target creature at its center. The doubles always keep their relative positions while staying adjacent to the target creature, even if this puts them in an occupied space.
These illusions deliver to the target creature a sensory assault from all quarters. Taking advantage of this pandemonium, the wielder can benefit from flanking and teamwork feats as if the doubles were allies with the same feats threatening the target creature.
The doubles cannot make any attack nor take any action.
Any creature can attack a double to destroy it. The doubles have the same AC as the wielder. If the attack is a hit, the double is destroyed. Area spells do not destroy any of the doubles. Spells and effects that do not require an attack roll do not destroy any of the doubles.
Once activated and unless destroyed, the doubles last for 7 rounds or until the wielder sheathes the musketeers’ blade, whichever happens first.
Once per day, the wielder can switch place with one of the doubles as if using the dimension door spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, dimension door, heroism, mirror image, remove fear; Cost 22,620 gp
When I said raise the bar, You did. You raised the bar a lot. :-) Cutos!
First of all, your description was well done. I like the description of the feeling of wielding the blade.
You went with illusory duplicates, but unlike me, you went for just a duplicate effect, where I went with creatures to control. Not only that, your reference to the musketeer's makes the blade's power really thematic.
The strong ties to the theme the power expands on that with flanking powers that are clearly defined. (Where as mine, I tried to go with creatures, and thus needed more mechanics to flesh out, and didn't do so.)
You use white-space powerfully to demonstrate breaks. Good job with that, I personally like that.
The dim-door spell at the end feels like an after thought when placed there... I think it should come before the duration. However, this is a stylistic choice, there isn't a right way to do that. I'm sure there are people who prefer the opposite.
I like your version better than my-own. Good job TRB. Good job!
I also gravitated towards the beating- -but more towards the second half of the description.
headstrong helm:
Headstrong Helm
Aura Moderate Enchantment; CL 11th
Slot head; Price 12,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
DescriptionFirst crafted by Kellid tribes living near the borders of Irrisen, this steel helmet is constantly tarnished with grime. Its visor is rusted open; no amount of willful force can budge it.
Whenever the wearer is confused, the visor snaps shut, and the wearer receives a +2 circumstance bonus to Strength, and the results for the confused condition’s d% roll are modified as follows:
0-50% Attack nearest foe
51-100% Attack nearest creatureMoreover, three times per day, if you are under the effect of an mind-affecting effect that would determine your actions, you may instead act as if you have the confused (including the modified results above). This use does not require an action. At the end of this round, the affect resumes and the suppressed rounds do not count against its total duration.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, bull’s strength, confusion, rage; Cost 6,000 gp
Hello! Jeff.
Ascetically, this helm is something that would cause hesitance for me to put on my head. However, I do like the strong imagery. This Sallet is something I'd consider for my characters.
I'm going to try to give your itme a small review. A head slot bonus strength item, I like that. It's rare, and it allows heavy Melee's to use the belt/gauntlet slots for other handy items for them. Nice niche.
What I PERSONALLY like about this item is the confusion contingency. I also like that it doesn't completely "Negate" the confusion, simply reduces it to the most favorable outcomes for a Melee person.
I enjoy that a lot. What I suspect will cost you votes in RPG superstar is the fact that it is still random. They tend NOT to like random effects in RPG superstar... thought his is inline with the original spell, so I think most will overlook it.
I do believe you have a strong item here. Good job!
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Riot Club
Nice description, it balances objective information with subtle hints at its function. Perhaps tone down the adjectives; "deep toxic brown" eats up words and hits a point of diminishing returns.
Similarly, try to look for ways to streamline your writing whenever possible, especially for the open call since voters often gravitate towards shorter entries. You could move the +2 anarchic component to the first sentence ("This +2 anarchic club is stained...") and save yourself 5-10 words, depending on whether or not you move the "pulses in the wielder's hand" into the first paragraph as well.
On the topic of a +2 anarchic item, remember that lots of baseline enchantments will inflate the item's cost, which can frustrate voters. It's best to minimize the generic abilities and focus the effects/value on your own unique ideas. Making this a +1 anarchic club will bring this into an affordable price range and give more emphasis to the special abilities you created.
Be careful of 1/day effects, since some voters get frustrated by items they use once then stick in the bag of holding until tomorrow. This is less of a problem with weapons/armor, since the baseline abilities will be in constant demand, but keep it in mind with wondrous items.
I like the "hitting it makes it vanish for a round" mechanic, which makes it more impressive without really violating the intent of mirror image. That being said, remember that this creates extra work for the GM to track vanished shadows. Consider streamlining this to an effect that is easier to track. For example, hitting a shadow destroys it, but a new one forms every round for 1d4 rounds (maximum of 4 surrounding the target at a time). Same thing goes for the speed, AC, etc.; consider making the shadows travel with the target (mimics mirror image and makes the effect more potent against fast targets).
Headstrong Helm
Try to avoid descriptions based on demographics; voters hate intros like "Favored by priests of X" or "Originally designed by Y." Readers should be able to identify who created it/uses it based on its inherent properties and appearance, not it's contrived history.
Using Golarion canon in your open call can be a double-edged sword. On one hand, you increase your chance of impressing viewers with your knowledge of the campaign setting. However, viewers who don't know/like Golarion, or who have strong opinions about certain features (in this case, that Kellids are "barbarians" who wouldn't be likely to make a steel knight's helm with a visor) will be turned off by your reference.
Nerfing the hazards caused by confusion and replacing worse effects with confusion are appealing and unique abilities that don't require GMs to learn new rules, which gives strength to this item. However, I would advise working on items that are actively used, rather than reactive to a change in condition. This helm is useless every round the wearer isn't targeted by a confusion or mind-affecting effect, filling an item slot that could otherwise contain a headpiece that improves the character's own abilities. At the very minimum, try to give your item a passive effect that is consistently useful to the wearer's active contributions to gameplay (attacks, spells, skills, etc.).
Musketeer's Blade
Your pricing confuses me. Once a weapon exceeds 20 grand, its abilities often change its price based on 1,000 gp increments, leaving 320 gp aside for the masterwork rapier component. The 220 gp at the end of your value entry indicates that there's an extra 900 gp in the item's cost, which makes the math difficult (a minor point, but it may distract some voters concerned about pricing)
You've got good ideas in your description, but the execution needs to be streamlined. What is a "symbol of eternal friendship"? There are a lot of unnecessary adjectives that clutter your strong foundation - "golden," "eternal," "four-sided," and "featherlight" immediately jump out to me as superfluous. I like the refracting light idea, but be careful with rainbows, which can come across as a joke to some viewers. If you describe the item as "enabling the wielder to stand resolutely against trouble," give it mechanics to back that up' otherwise a single fear effect can unravel the item's ethos.
The abilities are all linked, but the dimension door effect comes close to a Swiss Army Knife.
It's difficult to balance too many paragraphs vs. wall of text, but I feel like this leans a bit too close to the former. Try to consolidate a couple of those one- or two-sentence paragraphs to make it flow more smoothly.
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The Raven Black wrote:
Musketeer's Blade
Thank you for taking the time to do these reviews. They are really needed for any meaningful improvement.
Your pricing confuses me. Once a weapon exceeds 20 grand, its abilities often change its price based on 1,000 gp increments, leaving 320 gp aside for the masterwork rapier component. The 220 gp at the end of your value entry indicates that there's an extra 900 gp in the item's cost, which makes the math difficult (a minor point, but it may distract some voters concerned about pricing)
Very good point about voters getting distracted. The extra gp are because it is mithral :-)
You've got good ideas in your description, but the execution needs to be streamlined. What is a "symbol of eternal friendship"? There are a lot of unnecessary adjectives that clutter your strong foundation - "golden," "eternal," "four-sided," and "featherlight" immediately jump out to me as superfluous.
It is a very difficult balance for me to strike and I do not agree with you on all the words you deem superfluous. But I understand how it becomes a bit too much.
I also included references to all harrow cards given in the challenge, which conspires to make the description a bit over the top too.
I like the refracting light idea, but be careful with rainbows, which can come across as a joke to some viewers.
Good to know. Thank you
If you describe the item as "enabling the wielder to stand resolutely against trouble," give it mechanics to back that up' otherwise a single fear effect can unravel the item's ethos.
Courageous ;-)
Hmm. Just realized I should have added Enchantment to the schools. One more thing to add on my checklist for item creation, and one more reason to avoid existing weapon abilities.
The abilities are all linked, but the dimension door effect comes close to a Swiss Army Knife.
Yes, I think the wording could be improved to integrate it more fluidly.
It's difficult to balance too many paragraphs vs. wall of text, but I feel like this leans a bit too close to the former. Try to consolidate a couple of those one- or two-sentence paragraphs to make it flow more smoothly.
Also a difficult balance to strike for me and one I definitely need to work on and improve.
Thank you for your excellent points.
Edit : Just read your excellent reviews of the other items and I am impressed by the value you bring there to any would-be designer. Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom :-)
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Critiquing is really hard!
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I honestly believe that forcing myself to critique and look at items logically and keeping game design in mind has pushed me to be a better designer.
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I very much agree with Kiel (I wish I were being better about getting to items in this thread). I feel like I learned so much in 2013 when I reviewed every item, and definitely think paying more attention to monsters has helped me in that area as well.
For anyone who's interested, here was my submission for the Here Be Monsters 2 competition.
Critique is most welcome. :)
With wings of rusty, yet razor-sharp, steel, this gangly humanoid is surrounded by shrieking winds tainted with echoes of long-forgotten screams.
Devil, Storm CR 8
XP 4,800
LE Medium outsider (devil, evil, extraplanar, lawful)
Init +9; Senses darkvision 60 ft., see in darkness; Perception +9
Aura winds (30 ft., DC 15)
DEFENSE
AC 22, touch 16, flat-footed 16 (+5 Dex, +1 dodge, +6 natural)
hp 95 (10d10+40)
Fort +7, Ref +12, Will +8
DR 5/good; Immune fire, poison, sonic Resist acid 10, cold 10;
OFFENSE
Speed 30 ft., fly 50 ft. (good)
Melee 2 wings +14 (1d8+4 plus 1d6 bleed),
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks hurricane force, pounce, torrent of steel
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 12th, concentration +10)
At will—greater teleport (self plus 50 lbs. of objects only)
3/day—true strike
STATISTICS
Str 20, Dex 21, Con 18, Int 13, Wis 8, Cha 11
Base Atk +10; CMB +15; CMD 30
Feats Dodge, Flyby Attack, Hover, Improved Initiative, Iron Will
Skills Bluff +10, Diplomacy +10, Fly +19, Intimidate +10, Knowledge (planes) +11, Perception +9, Stealth +15; Racial Modifiers + 4 Fly, + 4 Stealth (when attacking from the air)
Languages Auran, Celestial, Common, Infernal; telepathy 100 ft.
SQ flighty nature
ECOLOGY
Environment any (Hell)
Organization solitary
Treasure standard
SPECIAL ABILITIES
Aura of winds (Sp) A storm devil is constantly surrounded by shrieking winds, in a 30 feet radius, causing deafness (as per the spell blindness/deafness) to anyone failing a DC 15 Fortitude save.
Flighty nature (Ex) Storm devils are considered untrustworthy and chaotic by other devils. As such, they are unable to summon other devils.
Hurricane force (Su) A storm devil can spin in place, using his wings, as a full round action – at the end of 3 rounds, winds of hurricane strength explode from the storm devil, dealing 5d6 points of sonic damage to anyone within 50 feet. A DC 18 Reflex save halves this damage. All creatures are also affected for 2 rounds, as if they were in a hurricane (as the weather type). The save DC is Dexterity based.
Torrent of steel (Su) 3 times per day, as a ranged touch attack, a storm devil can choose to launch feathers against any 3 targets within 30 feet of the storm devil. These steel feathers are partially imaterial but deadly to the touch, doing 4d6 points of damage to each target. A DC 18 Fortitude save halves this damage. Anyone failing the save is also nauseated for 1 round. The save DC is Dexterity based.
Flying the skies of Hell and often fighting with the erinyes for dominion, storm devils – or ventuzu – are used by greater devils for passing commands and messages across dangerous battlefields.
Ventuzu are not considered reliable by other devils, so beyond simple and short courier services, they are left free to roam the skies by devils higher up in the hierarchy (and avoided by those lower on the ladder of Hell). As a side of this, they have no long standing alliances so typical amont other devils, and cannot call on help beyond that in their immediate vicinity.
Ventuzu take pleasure in ambush attacks and prolonging the suffering of their victims, diving out of the skies without warning to rake their wings across the unsuspecting and then retreating to a safe distance to watch them bleed to death. They also enjoy watching prey plunge to their death, using their hurricane force ability, to hurl them from great heights.
Standing straight (though usually hunched over), the storm devils stand at almost 7 feet tall, but their gangly frame only supports a weight of 140 pounds.
Devil, Storm CR 8
There are too many commas in the descriptive text, which makes it clunky to read. Try to streamline the description by focusing on key features. For example, "Shrieking winds surround this gangly humanoid, rattling the rusted razors sprouting from its back like feathered wings." This touches on the primary elements you want to address (gangly humanoid shape, razor-lined wings, aura of winds) without chopping up the sentence. I don't mind the "echoes of long-forgotten screams," but some folks feel that the descriptive text should be impartial observations without insights into the emotion/history associated with the features (i.e., how would the PC know that the wind is actually a scream, let alone a forgotten one?).
Numbers for defensive stats look good. Dodge seems like a wasted feat, since even without the +1 bonus your AC is in the correct range. Consider replacing Dodge with something more interesting. Sonic immunity seems out of place, but looking ahead I can see you give it a sonic attack. I'm not sure if that's sufficient to grant this monster full-stop immunity to sonic, but I suppose you have some precedent with the ice devil, so this is a minor quibble. You appear to have a dangling semicolon after the resistances. I'm not sure if you were planning to add SR, but it would be appropriate given the precedent of other CR 8 devils like the erinyes.
Offense section needs some work. This devil has only one type of natural attack (wings), which means they are considered primary attacks (as opposed to most wing attacks being secondary) made using the creature's full base attack bonus and adding the creature's full Strength bonus on damage rolls. Normally a Medium creature's wing attack deals 1d4 base damage, which means the two wing attacks should be +15 on attack rolls (+10 BAB, +5 Str) and damage of 1d4+5 each. Your monster only has a +14 on attack rolls, and deals 1d8+4 damage plus 1d6 bleed. It's okay for a monster's base damage dice to be higher than normal, but since 1d4 to 1d8 for wing attacks is equivalent to jumping up two size categories, I for one would like an explanation of why its wings are so powerful. The reduced attack bonus and Str bonus to damage make me think that you started with a +4 Str bonus, upgraded it to +5 later in development, and forgot to go back and fix it. As a rule of thumb, Medium monsters without extraneous modifiers on certain attacks (Weapon Finesse, Weapon Focus, etc.) often have a melee attack bonus equal to their CMB. You can use this to double-check your math in the attacks section as long as the monster is Medium sized; don't use this shortcut for different sizes because size modifiers for attacks differ from size modifiers to CMB. I'd also like to know what provides the bleed damage. I assume it's from razor-sharp wings, but the clarifying that point in the stat block would certainly help. You also have a dangling comma after the melee damage section.
If the monster is a standard Medium size (no weird modifiers on reach, etc.), then you don't need to include Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft. Save that section for monsters with specific considerations, such as different sizes or unnatural reach. The true strike SLA seems a bit out-of-place. Looking ahead I see that you replaced the devil's traditional summon ability with flighty nature. If you are going to replace a core creature type ability, you ought to have a very good reason for it. In this case, the "chaotic" nature of a definitively Lawful creature (otherwise it wouldn't be a devil at all) does not seem like a strong enough justification for breaking away from the standard suite of devil abilities. Even if you wanted to include the social friction associated with other devils viewing them as "flighty," you can accomplish that with flavor text without changing the monster's core abilities. Combine that with the fact that flighty nature eats up over twice the word count required to give it a standard summon ability, and I think your new ability does more harm than good.
More to come, but I have a meeting for lunch that I cannot miss.
Devil, Storm CR 8 (continued)
I mentioned replacing Dodge earlier, and apart from that the rest of the base stats and feats look good. You appear to have missed the class skill bonuses for being an outsider. Bluff, Knowledge (planes), Perception, and Stealth are automatically class skills for outsiders. Furthermore, any creature with a fly speed treats Fly as a class skill, and the outsider creature type description says that, "due to their varied nature, outsiders also receive 4 additional class skills determined by the creature's theme." As a result, all seven maxed-out skills should be class skills and receive an additional +3 (e.g. Bluff: +10 ranks, +3 class skill, +0 Cha = +13 total). Fly should be even higher: +10 ranks, +3 class skill, +4 good maneuverability, +5 Dex, +4 racial modifier = +26 total. "When attacking from air" can be a tough thing to apply to a Stealth bonus, especially because a creature in flight is less likely to have the concealment or cover required for Stealth checks and the act of attacking nullifies most Stealth checks. You appear to have spaces between the "+" and the value in the racial modifiers, which is not present in the skills themselves and not part of standard Paizo formatting for skills (to my knowledge).
This may be a personal preference, but I consider lawful creatures with similar goals to be at least a little cooperative. Devils don't strike me as purely solitary monsters.
I already discussed flighty nature above, so now let's take a look at your other special abilities. For starters, I believe all the qualifiers (Ex/Su/Sp) are supposed to be bolded.
Aura of winds does not adhere to Paizo's typical formatting. Consider using other monsters with abilities that blind/deafen targets (e.g. the nymph's blinding beauty) as a template. The description is also missing some key information: is the deafness permanent? Does it only last within the aura of winds? Is the save DC Charisma-based? Can the devil suppress the aura? Do targets have to make a new save every round or are they immune if they make the first save? If you correctly reformat the ability you shouldn't need to reference blindness/deafness, but if you write an ability that does cite a spell make sure to italicize it. The DC is also a bit low for a CR 8 monster.
Hurricane force has some troublesome language. For starters, the effects are out of order. You begin by telling me what happens 3 rounds after it starts spinning (which is already confusing because it immediately follows "as a full-round action," and a full-round action does not take 3 rounds), then you end by telling me what happens during the 2 rounds building up to the explosion. You should describe this in the order you expect each event to take place; start by describing the buildup, and finish with the explosion. I'm not entirely sure what "spin in place" means. Does it need to use its Hover feat? What if it botches a Fly check? Can it still take 5-ft. steps? Honestly I don't see a GM ever choosing to use this ability. 5d6 damage is barely average at CR 8, and the delay required to actually damage the PCs essentially gives them 3 free rounds to kill the devil without much opposition, hurricane winds notwithstanding. If this were for Paizo I'd definitely cite the Core Rulebook page number for hurricanes (rather than "as the weather type"), but for 3PP products citing a page number may be problematic. Still, I'd try to find a more formal way to cite the weather entry in the CRB. A few more minor points: the DC for half damage needs to be reformatted (parenthetical "Reflex half"after the main damage description), the dash between "full-round action" and "at the end of 3 rounds" should be a period/new sentence, "Dexterity-based" should be hyphenated, and most of the commas in the description are unnecessary.
One more meeting, then I'll try to finish up this review tonight.
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I just found this thread and figured it'd help me practice.
Iron Lens
Aura faint evocation [light, darkness]; CL 5th
Slot eyes; Price 4500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This solid iron disk has a morganite inlay that depicts an eye, which is open on one side and closed on the other.
Up to three times each day, it can be flipped like a coin as a move action. When this is done, roll 1d6. On a 1-3, it lands on the closed eye and the light level is increased to bright light in a 30-foot radius for 50 minutes. On a 4-6, it lands on the open eye and the light level is reduced to darkness in a 30-foot radius for 5 minutes.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daylight, darkness; Cost 2250 gp
2 part review.
Thank you very much for the thorough walkthrough Nick, it is much appreciated. I knew I'd made some errors, but I'll be honest, I hadn't expected it to be this many.
Lots of work ahead unfortunately.
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I knew I'd made some errors, but I'll be honest, I hadn't expected it to be this many.
Lots of work ahead unfortunately.
That's perfectly fine. This is the place to make mistakes. Every pass through the blazing 9 crucible will give you more insight into game design pitfalls that can catch you off-guard. You've already made it into the top 32, so we want to make sure that if you progress further you are putting your best work forward. If you work out the errors in linguistics, formatting, and mathematics, voters will be free to focus on your core ideas.
I've got some real life issues I have to address, but I'll finish up the rest of the storm devil (and Lindley's item) when I get back.
Devil, Storm CR 8 (continued)
Torrent of steel needs a few corrections as well. To my knowledge, Paizo does not use numerals to start sentences, which means it should begin with "Three times per day." The general phrasing is a bit clunky as well; consider using the manticore's spikes ability as a template for correct formatting of an attack against multiple targets. Requiring both a touch attack and a Fortitude save doubles the chance that this attack will do less/no damage, which is great at low levels but can compromise the monster's efficacy against a party of 8th level characters. Consider limiting it to the attack roll (best fit for your current description of the ability, IMO) or the Fortitude save. Alternatively, you could increase the threat from this attack so that it warrants two chances for the PCs to reduce the damage. Make sure to describe all the effects from being hit by a feather at the same time, then describe how the PCs can reduce the damage. As written, the nauseated component could easily be missed because the reader assumes the threat ends with the damage. Again, "Dexterity-based" should be hyphenated. Honestly I'm not convinced that this creature's feathers should be partially immaterial; based on the description it seems like the feathers should simply be razor-sharp steel.
I see that you've included the Infernal name for these devils (as opposed to the "common" title of storm devil) in the description. I really like ventuzu, it feels mysterious, foreign, an dangerous. Please include the proper name in parentheses after the creature's common name at the very beginning of the entry; not only is that consistent with the formatting for other devils, but it brings up your excellent monster title right away. You should also make the proper name parenthetical, as opposed to flanking it by em dashes. FYI, when Paizo does use the em dash flank, they don't include spaces (e.g. "storm devils—or ventuzu—are used...").
Based on this entry, I think you need to carefully consider your use of commas as a general rule. Too many commas make sentences choppy and difficult to read. Try to rephrase your sentences to allow continuous flow, and make sure you don't use commas to separate essential elements of the sentence. For example: "They also enjoy watching prey plunge to their death, using their hurricane force ability, to hurl them from great heights." To me, it seems that the hurricane force ability and the goal of hurling targets from great heights are inherently linked, so separating them with a comma does the sentence an injustice. This comment is not meant to attack your style, but rather to point out areas that deserve special attention. Every writer has one or two shortcomings like this. Maintaining the correct verb tense throughout a paragraph, superfluous adjectives/adverbs, reliance on the passive voice, and misuse of semicolons are just a few consistent flaws I've seen while reviewing the writing of others. An Achilles' heel of mine is overuse of parentheses (which, incidentally, I went back and fixed a great deal while writing this review... current parenthetical notwithstanding).
Iron Lens
Welcome to the forum, Lindley! We're all happy to critique anything you bring to the table, just remember that criticism is meant to be constructive and help you grow as a designer. Also, don't post anything here you would want to use in RPGSS itself (getting public feedback automatically disqualifies an entry).
I don't believe Pathfinder formatting includes spell subtypes in aura descriptions, so "faint evocation" should suffice. I'm not seeing this as an item that requires the eyes slot. Ultimate Equipment describes items that fill the eyes slot as "[consisting] of goggles, lenses, monocles, spectacles, and other items that can be worn over the eyes." Since this item is flipped like a coin rather than worn, I expect this should be a slotless wondrous item. Make sure to include commas at the thousands place in your pricing, both in the item price (4,500 gp) and the construction cost (2,250 gp). The weight also seems off. Flipping a 1 lb. item "like a coin" could be difficult for most humanoids (remember, a standard coin weighs 1/50 of a pound in the Pathfinder rules).
I did not know what morganite meant until reading your entry forced me to google it. Not only is it appropriate, it also taught me a new word, so great choice with the descriptive text.
You don't need to spend words describing the die roll required to determine a 50/50 effect. If you say "roll 1d2" or "has a 50% chance of [insert effect here]," the GM will know how to determine the outcome. The etchings on the disk also seem backwards; I would have expected the closed eye to decrease light, while the open eye increased it. There is also a significant time difference between the light effect and the dark effect (50 minutes vs. 5 minutes), inherently making the light effect more powerful. I expect you derived these differences from the durations of the respective spells in your construction requirements, but you are allowed (nay, encouraged) to vary from the spell's limitations when applying their effects to magic items. One thing to remember, however, is that light/darkness spells form a pecking order that must be considered when inserting new effects. For example, would the bright light effect work in the area of a deeper darkness spell? You should indicate what power level will overwhelm your item's effects. In your construction requirements, make sure to list all spells in alphabetical order (darkness, then daylight).
The biggest problem I have with this item is that the effects are equal and opposite. If my PC were using this item, I assume it would be under circumstances where I wanted to increase the lighting level, and decreasing it would make my situation worse (or vice versa). As a result, I would never want to use an item that had a 50% chance of doing the opposite of what I wanted. Even in the hands of a frustratingly chaotic villain (along the lines of Two-Face from the Batman series), this item would still carry the risk of making it easier for the PCs, and thus undermining the encounter's challenge. If I ever found this item in a dungeon, I would immediately sell it for 2,250 gp that I could use on something more reliable.
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Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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I just found this thread and figured it'd help me practice.
Iron Lens
Aura faint evocation [light, darkness]; CL 5th
Slot eyes; Price 4500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This solid iron disk has a morganite inlay that depicts an eye, which is open on one side and closed on the other.Up to three times each day, it can be flipped like a coin as a move action. When this is done, roll 1d6. On a 1-3, it lands on the closed eye and the light level is increased to bright light in a 30-foot radius for 50 minutes. On a 4-6, it lands on the open eye and the light level is reduced to darkness in a 30-foot radius for 5 minutes.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, daylight, darkness; Cost 2250 gp
Great start, but needs some twisting and departing from the box to make it RPGSS-level.
Some formatting typos : descriptors are for spells and not magic items IIRC. Price and cost should use commas (4,500 rather than 4500). Slot eyes is strange. Is it supposed to be a monocle ? If so does it have an impact on Perception ?
Excellent description : concise, to the point yet evocative. Did not know about morganite, had to google it up. Small effort but enlightening. I would have appreciated a link integrated there, but it would likely cost you votes in RPGSS, so what you did is good.
Voters in RPGSS HATE random items. And really, why would any crafter make something that can hurt the user ?
Be sure that bright light and darkness are clearly described (check the PRD for similar effects or items and use the same wording).
The difference in durations makes this far too much of a SAC. It does not show your willingness to depart from what the spells do. And it makes the item a bit more complicated.
I think that the same item usable 3 times, with a choice to make each time between the light and the darkness, used as a monocle and with the same duration for each effect would be a strong RPGSS contender.
CONCLUSION : you almost made a great item there (though beware of the SAC syndrom). Once you follow the advice given by pros during the RPGSS (Sean' Dos and Don'ts for example), you have the potential for strong item design :-)
I've been truant in reviews.
Nick did a fantastic job, I'm just going through to add my 2c (which are getting increasingly rushed as I have to run. Feel free to contest what I'm saying).
I like the crunch here. It's an item that NPCs can use to great effect (especially solo enemies, or if he's the only frontliner) since they won't risk friendly fire. PCs may experience more trouble, but they can play around it to good effect. If the item only modified the confused state it would be too fringe, but since it can turn any "mind-affecting effect that would determine your actions" (by the way, does that include charms? I would say no, they influence but do not determine your actions) it is far more likely to see play.
This could be straight up published, but might need a cool active to wow people in RPGSS. I'm also generally not a plan of regional flavor unless it's asked for
Feedback I got from Neil Spicer taught me to be wary of possessive nouns in item names. This might be safer as "Blade of the Musketeers"
What kind of action is it to activate? I like that the images share teamwork feats, though I'm not sure that sounds like a sensory assault to me. You could have gone with descriptions that alluded to the tarot themes without quoting word for word, and it would read better.
From the name, I can't tell what this item is going to do, and my guess for slot (Eyes) is inaccurate.
This item has an old-school feel. My philosophy for random effects (which I'm a fan of) is to have them all be positive but in different ways. Darkness when you need Daylight will make matters far worse, and vice-versa. A basic example of positive but different might be something like Prismatic Spray.
Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
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*Creeps in*
<.<
>.>
Soon...............
Next time RPGSS rolls around, I'm going to challenge myself to limit my words to around 200. Both times I entered RPGSS, I feel I had solid ideas, but they wound up getting derailed from me trying to make the item do too much, or making it too wordy. When I make my test items for this thread, I'm going to be adhering to this self-imposed word limit.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
*Creeps in*
<.<
>.>
Soon...............Next time RPGSS rolls around, I'm going to challenge myself to limit my words to around 200. Both times I entered RPGSS, I feel I had solid ideas, but they wound up getting derailed from me trying to make the item do too much, or making it too wordy. When I make my test items for this thread, I'm going to be adhering to this self-imposed word limit.
Sounds like a plan Brigg. Looking forward to seeing your items. :)
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Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
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Well, Clocking in at 154 words...My first test item. Pricing might be a little off. Not sure.
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Belt of Uncanny Movement
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 8th
Slot belt; Price 3,000 gp (+1), 6,000 gp (+2), 11,000 gp (+3), 18,000 gp (+4); Weight 1 lb.
Description
This auburn belt is made of tiny, interwoven strips of leather mixed with feathers of various size and plumage. The belt grants the wearer an enhancement bonus to Dexterity of +1, +2, +3, or +4. This bonus is treated as a temporary ability bonus for the first 24 hours the belt is worn.
Three times per day, the belt can be activated as an immediate action to double the enhancement bonus provided by the belt for 2 rounds. During this time, the wearer is also granted an enhancement bonus to his base speed equal to +10 x the enhancement bonus to Dexterity provided by the belt.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, cat’s grace; Cost 1,500 gp (+1), 3,000 gp (+2), 5,500 gp (+3), 9,000 gp (+4)
Perhaps more experienced designers can correct me, but I think the lack of odd stat bonus items is intentional. I'd avoid it.
Pricing is definitely weird. +2 is 2k more than a standard +2 belt of dex, but the +4 version of this item is the same 2k more expensive than a standard +4 belt of dex. It probably shouldn't be a static +2k for the ability to double the bonus for 6 rounds a day.
The speed up effect is cool (probably should add a spell to the construction requirements though, like Expeditious Retreat or Haste). I'm curious why it's for two rounds? My suggestion is to make it 8 rounds (equal to CL) a day, that can be split up as you wish.
I don't think I've ever seen multiplication in a magic item before, is there something you used as a sample for your wording here?
Ultimately you have a variant of the staple Belt of Incredible Dexterity. It could be published (probably without the +1 and +3 versions though). The bonus feature is fun and powerful, but I think it needs more to stand out as its own item in RPGSS.
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Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
aka Jayson MF Kip
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I like the idea of a 'dex-belt-plus,' and getting extra speed occasionally is certainly beneficial, but I can't help but think that the increased DEX favors standing still (two-weapon/finesse/ranged full-attacks) while the speed favors motion. I'd almost always use it for the stats, and very rarely for the mobility.
Also, shouldn't the increased move-speed require haste, longstrider, expeditious retreat? (Or something similar?)