Battle of the Shapeshifters (the Game)

[Skiron]

Did somebody say "antiques dealer?!?"

Who needs to shapeshift when there's always the...Eldritch Ritual Dagger Discount?

[Kobold Catgirl]

I turn into an expiration date and render the discount defunct.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a twinky. There is no expiration date.

[GoatToucher]

I turn into a heavyset kid. So much for the Twinky.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a planet with somewhat higher gravity - just strong enough that the more 'heavyset' people get crushed beneath their own mass.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into the Death Star.

"You may fire when ready."

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift to a brace of well timed proton torpedoes up the exhaust port.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a targeting computer. Now you can't hit anything roughly smaller than a womp-rat.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a supernova 1,000,000 light-years away, which the targeting computer's sensors mistake for a nuclear detonation 1000 miles away, causing it to instigate World War III.

[Kobold Catgirl]

I shapeshift into a pseudofact that declares that we won't realize that the star died for a thousand years to come.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a scientist who disproves the pseudofact with diligent research.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a fundamentalist and bash the scientist's head in with my Bible.

[Kobold Catgirl]

I shapeshift into a goblin and burn the evil words—and the longshanks who reads them!

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a horse, and stomp the goblin's melon-shaped head to so much jelly.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a unicorn, and give the horse sparkle envy.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into an electric pencil sharpener, and grind the unicorn's horn down to a silver-bloody nub.

[Kobold Catgirl]

I shapeshift into a typical student, and break the sharpener down over time by using it more for fun than legitimate requirement.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into awareness of responsibility and consequence, and absolutely flummox the student.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into BEER!

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a hipster, who sneers at any drink that isn't a microbrew.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into the Cat and Girl webcomic, which says all that needs to be said about what being a hipster really means.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into an Internet Service Provider, and make you pay through the nose to look at any webcomic.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into Jell-O, and fall off the wall I've been ham-fistedly nailed to.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a Gelatinous Cube, which is Jell-O with all the right angles to succeed.

[legoguy4492]

I shape shift into a cube of gelatin. Coroners ruling: Death by copyright infringement.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a large square hole cut in the dungeon floor in a narrow hallway, right over a subterranean magma chamber.

...and inconveniently-placed slabs of Velcro, so it can catch ninjas, too!

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a round peg, blocking the hole -Perfectly!-

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a POGs collector, and greedily swipe the unclaimed round peg!

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into the Y2K Computer Virus, which heralded the end of the 90's and the POG fad.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into George W Bush, and instill an entire generation with an ungodly epic case of 1990s nostalgia.

footnote:

And then I scour my mind, body, and soul with flaming soap for 16 straight hours, because I can't f#$*ing believe I just took THAT shape.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into the pile of coke on Tony Montana's desk.

:GWB begins to sweat and lick his lips until finally leaping facefirst into the pile.:

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a children's show. The cocaine is censored into a pile of powdered sugar.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into Newgrounds.com, and host a hentai shoot-'em-up Flash game based on the children's show (obviously made by someone who's very familiar with it, no less).

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a 56k modem. No Newgrounds for you.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a brick dropped from 2 miles up. Bye bye modem!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into Marv from Home Alone - a brick dropped from 2 miles up gives me a brief headache and a nice mark on by face, but that's about it.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a nine year old boy: natural predator of hardened criminals in their forties.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into the nine-year-old boy's dad who tries to use the latest slang to sound "cool." The kid stays inside forever out of embarrassment.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a sense of one's own mortality, and elicit a mid-life crisis in the dad.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a catchy gum commercial jingle, and achieve immortality by being stuck inside people's heads forever.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into Private Dancer and drive all other songs into oblivion, replaced with Private Dancer.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into Ludwig von Beethoven, who could not hear and thus could invent his own music free of bias.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into soil bacteria and de-(NO. That's just what they'll be expecting) Stanley Kubrick and forever pervert Beethoven's music for a generation or more of moviegoers.

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into a copy of Eyes Wide Shut and forever pervert Kubrick's films for a generation or more of moviegoers.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into a pedantic and overzealous 5th-grade English teacher and write so many nasty letters about the obviously self-contradictory phrase "Eyes Wide Shut" that wherever it is you get movies from these days ceases carrying it.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a politician who slashes education funding to build more fighter jets!

[GoatToucher]

I shapeshift into the Need... the Need, for Speed and get all the pilots grounded.

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into the nafety for safety and slow everything down.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

I shapeshift into an enchanted paperclip and remind you there's no such word as "nafety."

[Ventnor]

I shapeshift into a rust monster. Om nom paperclip!