Bottled Cloud

[Kiel Howell]

Bottled Cloud
Aura faint evocation (electricity); CL 3rd
Slot none; Price 300 gp; Weight —
Description
The iridescent, hazy contents of this glass container eddy briefly into different shapes. Shattering the container unleashes a whoomp sound, and a bank of 20-foot-tall whitish-gray, semi-solid clouds scud out in a 20-foot radius from the point of impact. These clouds twist into any shape spoken—a free action—by the container’s breaker.

The clouds allow movement on them as if they were solid ground that is considered difficult terrain. Creatures may also pass through the cloud bank; every square is considered difficult terrain whether a creature is walking or flying and normal vision is reduced to 5 feet. The cloud formation lasts for one minute, after which it swirls suddenly and pops out of existence. Bottled cloud may also be dispersed by a moderate wind (11+ mph).

Any spell with the electricity descriptor passing through or cast while in contact with the cloudstuff causes the clouds to become dark gray and thunder to rumble menacingly. Any creature passing through or in contact with the contents of bottled cloud in this state must be successful at a Reflex save with a DC equal to 13 or be struck by lightning, suffering 3d6 points of electricity damage.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, aggressive thundercloud; Cost 150 gp

[Mikko Kallio]

Congratulations, Kiel! Your item was one of my definite Keeps.

Be awesome in round 2, friend!

[Alanya]

I liked this one! Congratulations on making it to the top 32!

[Thomas LeBlanc]

Congrats! I really liked this odd little item. If there was a 0 level spell with the electricity descriptor on the PRD, you would have had a few less votes from me.

[Joe Kondrak]

Great job, Kiel!

[Maurice de Mare]

Congrats and good luck!

[John Bennett]

Congrats, Kiel!

[JJ Jordan]

Fun item. Love these low-cost, lower-level items.

This is one of those things you give those adventurers and at first they say, "What the heck would I use this for?"

And then that perfect moment comes and the whole table has a great time with it.

[Kiel Howell]

Thanks folks! I'm taking this all in at the moment, but I'll be hard at work on a map!!

[Nickolas Floyd]

Congrats theheadkase. It is nice to see diehards make it through. Knock them dead in the rest of the rounds.

[Brigg]

Kiel,

I love aggressive thundercloud. And this item of yours is a wonderful consumable. I would buy these all the time for my society characters, so maybe a little more on the price tag would be good.

Great, great item! Congratulations!

Now, show us an awesome map!

[Einhänder]

This is one of many great items who's name I saw on the unofficial list but never actually got to vote for. But I definitely would have given it an up Vote!

[Yunni]

I'm so happy this one made it. One of my absolute favorites during voting! I saw it several times and always upvoted it. I just love the idea of walking on shaped clouds, I love the thunderstorm detail, and i really want to give this to my players and see what they do with it. Congratulations and good luck in the map round!

[BJ Hensley]

Very cool! Congrats!

[Christopher Wasko]

Nicely done, headkase! See you in Round 2!

[Nick Wasko]

Congratulations, Kiel! I never saw this one in voting, but I wish I had - it definitely would have been a consistent upvote for me. I can't wait to see what you put together for round 2!

[Jacob W. Michaels]

Congrats, Kiel. Didn't realize it was your item I was upvoting so often. :)

Really liked this one; I actually was also thinking it could be cool to have a fiery cloud (like when you get those vivid sunset-time clouds) just as a neat changeup.

Looking forward to seeing your map.

[hiiamtom]

I love the item, but 300gp is really cheap isn't it?

It's a flying bridge, a weapon, a fog spell, etc. I know it's one time use but I would always have one of these if available...

I'm asking to better design items, not to nitpick.

[Trimalchio]

Congratulations! The first time I read this item it put a big smile on my face, it's the sort of item that will have players telling stories about when they used it many weeks, months, years after the session.

I think the price well chosen, it can't become a significant source of damage without lots of forethought or special circumstances, and while it can fill multiple purposes, 300gp to reproduce fog cloud or levitate like effects seems about right to me.

[James Thomas]

I liked the imagery on this.

Good luck to you!

[Michael Hill]

This item is pure brilliance! It's usefulness can be so easily amplified in the hands of a creative player. There was never any contest when your item showed up!

[Scott Fernandez]

Congratulations Kiel on making the Top 32! As a stormchaser I liked that you used the term scud to describe the cloud as it disperses. I think solid fog and shocking grasp may have been better choices for the effects as the price would more accurately reflect the sheer usefulness of this consumable. Good luck in round 2.

--Solid as a Vrock

[Trekkie90909]

This one's definitely interesting.

[John Lynch 106]

Congratulations on getting a consumable through to the top 32. These can be hard to design well but you did a good job here.

[Oceanshieldwolf]

Hey Kiel - nice item. I could see it changed to cloud bottle and perhaps find it with tinder twigs and sunrods - oh, just looking at the post above, I see that is actually a thing - a "consumable". Not sure if I'm making you feel like this is a compliment or not, but it is!

And a very interesting use of onomatopoiea with whoomp - you are definitely a designer to watch! ;P

I get a very FPS feeling from the interaction with electricity, reminds me of a (Quake 3 or was it Unreal 3) gun that could fire an electricity ball you could then shoot with a different setting to explode even more...

Nice work, and good to see you appearing in more than just FGP stuff, though I see you were part of that 10' ft pole shenanigans... ;)

[hiiamtom]

Trimalchio wrote:

I think the price well chosen, it can't become a significant source of damage without lots of forethought or special circumstances, and while it can fill multiple purposes, 300gp to reproduce fog cloud or levitate like effects seems about right to me.

You are right that it is the right price for each of the effects individually, and it's unlikely to get the use of all the effects without terrific planning. I'll have to consider that next time I think about custom consumables in a game.

[Elizabeth Leib]

This item was on my keep list, so I'm glad to see it made it into the Top 32. The rumbling thunder and interaction with electricity spells was my favorite part. Good luck in the rest of the competition!

[Jester David]

I found this item useful and wonderous and magical. Something about it seemed almost old school.
It's a personal favourite and I'm pleased it made it to the Top 32.

[Brigg]

Haiku for you!

"Whoomp" sound? L.O.L.
Oh! Aggressive Thundercloud!
I want twelve of these!

[Lucky Pips]

Congrats on making the Top 32!

I like this consumable. Its fun, and has a lot of uses. I had a few issue with some of the language; I wasn't wild about the onomatopoeia, or the description of free action speaking in the first section. I also think it's a little odd that you can walk on them or through them, your choice. Also, when an electricity effect charges the cloud, how long does that effect last? If just instantaneously why say "passing through", and not just in contact with? Also, should there be a limit of one on the number of times the cloud can zap a creature in a turn to prevent everyone piling on damage? And finally, why only spells? If I have other effects that do lightning damage, should they charge the cloud?

In the end, I really liked the item and can imagine lots of fun uses for it. I would want to see the language and rule tightened a bit, but in the end I would still be excited to get my hands on one of these. I think all the end case questions come from me excitedly wanting to know more about what I can do with it, which is a good sign. Good job. Looking forward to your map.

Best of luck in all future rounds!

[Victoria Jaczko]

Welcome to the Top 32, Kiel! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your bottled cloud!

Functionality and Usefulness
Good disposable items never go out of style. I love 'em.

I like the effects of the cloud as an obstruction and with the opportunity for damage dealing if it gets an electric charge. This fulfills a useful strategic niche as it is not quite similar to obscuring mist and not quite like a tanglefoot bag or caltrops either. Nor is it just damage. I appreciate the role this would have in the game.

I'm not fond of how the cloud effect is described as much is left to interpretation. It seems to allow for movement on the top of the cloud, but it's 20 feet tall. Do creatures float to the top or climb up the cloud like it's a hill? Do they take falling damage if the cloud disperses underneath them? Some clarification here would have been good.

Additionally, "passing through" is ambiguous phrasing. If the cloud is charged and someone stands in it, do they take damage every round? Is it just one jolt that affects anyone touching or within the cloud and then dissipates?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
What character doesn't want a thunderstorm they can call up on command? Talk about dramatic.

There's a lot of cool factor going on here. As I pointed out above, you didn't copy anything and stick a mustache on it, you took inspiration from multiple places and made it yours. That is good design.

Prose and Editing
Besides the clarification issues already mentioned, some wording and style choices could use work. Setting apart "a free action" in dashes is awkward and jarring. Speaking is already a free action. If it really needs to be called out for clarity, just word it something like "The breaker may call out the desired shape of the cloud as a free action."

Check your rules language. For saves, format is "must succeed at a Reflex save (DC 13)".

You could kill every word ending in "-ly" in the description and it would be the better for it. Sometimes it's necessary to use those adverbs for rules language clarity, but they're seldom needed in description.

The cloud/storm imagery was evocative and a big reason why I liked this so much. Very nice.

Overall
It's too cheap for how cool it is, honestly. I have several PCs who would've used these all the time, which means it probably needs to be pricier.

Good mojo and cool functionality. Clarification and wording issues are things I think should be worked on moving forward, but you're to a good start.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Kiel, and I'll be expecting a really cool map that'll suck in some PCs.

Congratulations again!

[Jacob W. Michaels]

Congrats, Kiel. I'm trying to think if I knew this was your item ahead of time -- I don't think I did -- but I definitely upvoted it a lot. Looking forward to seeing what else you come up with!

[Template Fu]

I will be starting my reviews soon, and they can be bumpy at times, so here's a starter for 10 on Template ...

You nailed it!

Wow, we have a new record of nailed templates and I still have half to go - well done indeed.

Sorry Fu, empty plate again.

Full review to follow in due course.

[Jeff Harris 982]

As promised yesterday, the GB&U this year is courtesy of me rather than GM_solsprial (he is busy drawing furiously). So without further ado, our amazing and awesome top 32+4 get the first set of The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly critiques, and then on to everyone else who requested a critique in the CMI official thread, or in my shiny The GB&U Season 9 thread.

Bottled Cloud

The Good: You went with a inexpensive burnable, which is good because lower lvl PC's can afford it with not much effort, and it has a plethora of ways one can use it, I bet I could come up with half a dozen just here. well done.

The Bad: Like any other similar effect, careful use and placement are needed to ensure you don't hamper your own team as much as the foe. This is not per say something you as a designer can control, but tis always a concern.

The Ugly: While the lightning power of the cloud is cool and clever, the fact it cannot be controlled means the party can take less advantage of the cloud, such as using it for concealment, as they are going to be harmed as well. And at low level where this item has its most bang for its buck, that could get messy.

[Kigvan]

I like the idea of this item and love that it is a fairly inexpensive consumable.

That said it leaves me with many questions:
How are most creatures expected to get to the top of a 20 ft. cloud?
Normal Vision is limited to 5 ft, what about further than that it is concealment, total concealment?
How long does the cloud stay charged with electricity (the full remaining duration it appears)?

Fun flavorful item, but left me too many unanswered questions to vote for.

Congrats on getting in though, and best luck in future rounds.

[Kiel Howell]

@Thomas LeBlanc – I scoured the PRD for a level 0 electricity spell…I was pretty confident there wasn’t but all during voting I kind of sweated that there was one I missed!

@Jacob W. Michaels (can’t remember which number Jacob you are!) – I briefly thought about doing a flaming one, but I felt a tighter theme with storms using electricity.

@hiiamtom – 300 gp is using the explicit magic item creation rules. It *felt* right, but in hindsight I might have upped this to 600 gp. I had originally envisioned these only being useful in a non-damaging sort of way and the electricity thing was more of painting a “whoops” moment parties tend to have.

@Scott Fernandez (aka 2014 Vrocking Top 4 member) – I had originally intended to use obscuring mist or solid fog and make the electricity thing the “wonderous item twist” that wasn’t part of the original spell. I didn’t want to use 2 spells from the get go though, I wanted the price to be as low as possible.

@Oceanshieldwolf – I wanted to assault the senses with the descriptive text. An onomatopoeia felt like the perfect way to do it. I struggled with whether I should italicize it, but after much discussion with a couple folks I decided I didn’t want to confuse any readers that it might be a spell. (PS 10-foot Poles was a FUN book to work on)

@Lucky Pips – It’s not standard language but I like to use em dashes. I knew it would be a preference thing and I gambled. I found in previous years (and in recent 3PP design work) that editors ask me a lot about stating the action cost for little things like that. I didn’t think I needed to include it, but I did almost on a whim. I deliberately made this able to be passed through or passed on top of…I wanted it to be extremely utilitarian. I deliberately didn’t state how long the cloud stays charged…I thought it obvious that it was for 1 lightning strike, but in retrospect I should have added some language about it. As far as why only spells…well…I figured at the levels these would be used at it wouldn’t be very common to have electricity descriptor SLAs and such.

@Victoria – For the 20 foot thing, I was hoping the shape taken when spoken would indicate that it would be up to the user to describe it as 10 foot tall (or whatever). I see how I should have specified! I also see how I should have added something to the effect of you have to start outside of the cloud and choose to walk on top of it to be able to pass over it. The dispersal and falling damage would be covered by falling damage rules already…depending on whatever height the user set the shape to. Much like Lucky Pips asked…I should have specified it is one lightning strike and then the cloud is no longer charged. The free action thing was pretty much a boneheaded whim on my part. Ahh…I thought I was up to date on how to write the save! Dang! And adverbs oh adverbs…why do you haunt me so?! You’ll be glad to know that I fine-tooth combed my 50 words for my map to make sure they aren’t there. Pricing…I can see your (and everyone else who didn’t like it) point. If I were to rewrite it would probably be priced at 600 gp…still cheap but costly enough for lower levels.

@Template Fu – I think I DID miss one thing…(electricity) should have been [electricity]…I believe.

@Jeff Harris – I completely get your point about not being able to control the electricity effects. I gambled on doing this deliberately as I wanted a potential drawback without drawing overt attention to the fact that there was one.

@Kigvan – I should have explicitly stated that the 20 foot tall thing was only on the initial cloud formation…it will be as tall as the user specifies when speaking. I didn’t think I needed to clarify concealment or total concealment but it definitely wouldn’t have hurt if I had! I should have specified the charge remains until cloud dispersal or 1 lightning strike.

Thank you very much, everyone, for voting and taking the time to comment. I truly hope my R2 entry lives up to the votes you gave me. I sincerely appreciate you all taking the time to comment and ask questions and disagree with my design…it pushes me to be a better writer and keeps me grounded with the gaming populace!

[Neil Spicer]

Kiel! Welcome...to the Top 32!

As one of the judges who'll be along for the entire ride of the competition, it's my duty (and pleasure) to offer up some commentary on your winning submission, as well as a bit of advice for the challenges to come. First up...your item...bottled cloud...

Okay. The name is simple, but effective and evocative. I can already imagine uncorking a bottle and seeing a full-size cloud pour out of it, and I'm already wondering what I get to do with it when it does. So, well done on the naming!

Mojo. Awesome. This thing is chock full of creativity with a tight, integrated theme.

Cinematic. I get all kinds of visuals out of this thing. I can hurl it, let the thing whoomp and then shape the cloud however I want. Creatures can climb over it, push through it, and potentially suffer ill effects if I supercharge it with electricity. Yes!

Usefulness. I get to shape the cloud however I want and it's semi-solid, so it can serve as an emergency bridge, a set of stairs, or even a bit of high-ground advantage for me and my companions, if necessary. In a pinch, I can toss it as a shapeable getaway smokescreen that slows down pursuit. Or, I can lay it as a trap, ready for me to supercharge it with electricity to really surprise anyone trying to get at me my wading through it or climbing over it. It's got utility, defensive capability, and an offensive application, as well. Nice hat trick!

Mechanics. Things get a little more gray and murky here (pun intended). As Victoria points out, there are couple of places where I'd like to see more definition and call outs to how the damage is applied. As written, it sticks around for 1 minute, so if it's charged with electricity, it can inflict that damage over and over. As a consumable, you might want to have the cloud immediately dissipate if the electrical damage is triggered. I think it's implied that if someone has scrambled to the top of the cloud, and it winks out of existence, that falling damage would apply. But it's also somewhat strange that you can scale the cloud (or even step your way up it if you shape into a stairway), but you can also pass through it as difficult terrain. So, it seems equally solid and not-solid at the same time, which is odd, particularly if some creatures are climbing across a low-lying cloud, but others are inside it and still able to see out the top and start attacking those clinging to it. Lastly, the cloud has this 20-ft. radius when it emerges from the bottle, but it can also twist into any shape spoken by the owner. So, does that mean it can be shaped in a way that it extends beyond the initial 20-ft. radius? If so, how far? If not, and the cloud completely fills its initial 20-ft. radius, how is there really any room to shape it? Is the owner "trimming" off parts of the cloud in order to make it resemble a certain shape? As described, it still leaves me with a handful of questions about what is and isn't possible with it. Creative players might wind up stretching their interpretations further than you intend.

Now that said, you did include a number of solid mechanical considerations in how you described the item. Rules on how it can be dissipated by strong winds, reliance on difficult terrain as a nod towards solid fog without duplicating it, and reaching for aggressive thundercloud as the basis for the item's construction and the rules behind the electricity damage are all good calls. You've put a lot of design considerations in here. There's room for just a few more to tighten it up. I do think the sheer utility and variable effects available in this item should probably bump up the price a bit, though.

Polish. Pretty darn clean. You've done your homework. You know what you're doing.

So, overall, this item has great mojo going for it. The visuals are off the scale. It's super-useful and interesting. You can easily envision it in the game. And you've demonstrated some serious design thoughtfulness and professionalism. Congratulations once again on making the Top 32, and let's see what more you can bring us in Round 2.

My two cents,
--Neil

[Kiel Howell]

@Neil - Great points...I honestly never considered having it dissipate once the electricity is discharged. You also nail the points about confusing the design with the radius and shaping. Yours wasn't the first note I got about being able to pass through and walk over it at the same time...I chose that effect specifically for the utility options but I definitely failed to make it more sensible in presenting how and why.

Now I kind of want to rewrite this item!

[Joel Flank]

Congrats on the top 32. This is a great item - low cost consumable, that's useful in lots of situations, concealment, slowing down enemies, making a bridge, and you can zap people with it if you use an electricity spell? What's not to like?

It doesn't do too much, but rewards creative players, which makes it a much more fun magic item than most that are purely offensive or defensive. This is up there with a tree feather token or robe of many things.

[Amanda Hamon]

Hello, Kiel, and welcome to the Top 32!

I'll be a judge for this round, and I'm honored and pleased to offer feedback on your bottled cloud. I hope this feedback provides some helpful insight to you as you move forward in the competition.

As an assistant developer at Paizo, I'll offer you three levels of commentary that approximate the development process: some first impressions, a deeper look, and some measured feedback.

So, let's get started!

First impressions: A cloud in a bottle -- cool! There's a ton of utility here, and you've done a great job creating a unique and memorable item around a tight theme. I love that you've built an item off an ACG spell, and that you've done so in pretty organic yet wondrous way.

Deeper look: Your concept carries this item pretty far, but there are still some things that stand out as needing clarification or improvement. You don't need to call out that the breaker twists the clouds as a free action, for instance, as you can simply say, "When the wielder smashes the bottle... " and then launch into your rules text. Item auras don't carry the descriptors of component spells (and here comes the picky editor in me), and elemental descriptors are set off with brackets rather than parentheses, in any case. I think your price is light for what the item does, and even at a lower price point I'd like to see the "charged" cloud only make one lightning attack and then dissipate. There's also a bit of rules ambiguity about how to adjudicate this if there are creatures in the area when the cloud forms, or they're walking on top of it when it winks out.

Measured feedback: But don't let that constructive criticism get you down -- you've still done an excellent job designing an item around a evocative theme, showing that you understand the need for usability and versatility, and proving solid mastery of combining fresh design with a mind toward interacting with existing rules. Keep doing what you're doing, and keep a careful eye on your mechanics and rules language, and you'll be golden as the competition progresses.

That said, thanks for reading, and best of luck in the contest!

[Kiel Howell]

@Joel - That's exactly what I was aiming for, not much at face value but very flexible in application.

@Amanda - I...didn't even realize that items don't carry the descriptor. I don't know why, but I've always thought they did! Thank you, and I realized I goofed on the parentheses after I submitted! I definitely should have gone for the 600 gp price. I also should have taken the wordcount to specify more about what happens when the cloud forms to existing creatures and what happens when it winks out if anyone's on top of it.

[frank gori]

Okay now that we have a few days before Top 16 reveals I've decided to comment on my competitors work. First, congrats one being a people's choice top 36. To me connecting more directly with the pathfinder community as an audience is even more impressive then clicking for a group of judges.

Nice utility Kiel and it's been a pleasure watching you level as a part of FPG games. It's hard for me to be neutral here but I do agree a little with he price concerns and I'll admit my inner DBZ fan was given pause at the name. Good luck in next round and if I get a chance it will be fun competing with you.

[Kiel Howell]

@Frank - Thank you sir, I agree, it's really hard to be neutral on people you know, AND people I'm competing with.

Which is why I've decided to remain quiet on fellow Top 32 + 4 items until I'm out of the competition.

[Lucus Palosaari]

Kiel Howell wrote:

Bottled Cloud

Congratulations for making it into the Top 32!

Seeing as that's how I had to start this, you're already a potential "Superstar" so keep that in mind!

That out of the way, I'm going to treat your item the same as if I saw it in the Critique My Item Thread, which means I'll be using the following comments, and assuming you're submitting this item as your "sample" for an Open Call to Fat Goblin Game's Call to Arms book line.

Feel free to disagree with me and DEFEND YOUR CHOICES!

SUPERSTAR — This is the fun, cheap, throwaway item that I think a GM should give players and see if they can be clever enough to use. Solid theme, well executed. Others are pointing out "flaws" so I'll leave them to it.

[frank gori]

Kiel Howell wrote:

@Frank - Thank you sir, I agree, it's really hard to be neutral on people you know, AND people I'm competing with.

Which is why I've decided to remain quiet on fellow Top 32 + 4 items until I'm out of the competition.

I thought a lot about that but wanted to give a little feedback and wish everyone luck. I feel I can be neutral enough to give a general impression and give a virtual sportsman-like handshake to each of you while still sort of hope one or more of you taps out so I can come in :D

[Browman]

I agree with what others have said about the mechanics being tighter, but the idea and description of this is awesome.

[R D Ramsey]

What I like most about this item is how simple it is. It's very, very, VERY difficult to come with a simple item that has a shot at the Top 32, but you pulled it off nicely. It works because it's cool, and it's versatile, and it's still a basic idea. Well done!

[Garrett Guillotte]

GO TEAM BOTTLED ITEM!

[Jessica Catalan]

Congrats on making it into the top 32!

I do have mechanics and clarity concerns with your item, but they have already been pointed out by other comments above and addressed by you in replies, so I won't bother repeating them. I think your polite responses to the critiques offered and the timeliness with which you've responded to them shows poise and professionalism, so well done!

I love that the bottled cloud is a quirky, affordable, consumable that has a huge amount of utility and flavour. It really rewards player's creativity, which is awesome! I think low-cost items, and especially consumables are a difficult niche to create something for and you've done a very good job.

It's very neat that the cloud can be shaped as desired, and can be pushed through or climbed over. The ability to charge it with electricity is icing on the cake, but not over-powered (presuming the nitpicks from previous comments were addressed accordingly).

I know players would have a lot of fun with this item, and as far as I'm concerned that's what's most important.

Best of luck in the next round!

[Kiel Howell]

@RD, @Garrett, @meloriel - Thank you very much! I hope my R2 entry pleases.