"RAW is LAW" - A Short Story


Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion


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Inspired heavily by the excellent (and hilarious) 2nd-Edition D&D Story "The Intercontinental Union of Disgusting Characters", I am working on a short story of a Pathfinder world (incorporating some 3.5 elements, so 3.P) where ridiculous exploits of the game rules actually work and are incorporated into the lore of the game.

For example, there are three gods I've come up with so far. First among them is Pun-Pun, the Godslayer, the Shaper of Flesh, He of Infinite Reach - a famous 3.5 exploit where a kobold gains an arbitrarily large amount of HP, arbitrarily long reach, and the ability to deal an arbitrarily large amount of damage to anyone at any point in the entire multiverse. He killed every deity simultaneously at the moment of his ascension, and now has become effectively immortal and omnipresent.

The second god is Vectron (Praise be to His Kindly Claw!), who definitely exists, and is the only god to survive Pun-Pun's ascension. Vectron, who is a real god, offers every single domain to all his clerics, who can be of any alignment. His clerics are quick to explain how their god is real, and definitely is the best god, because he is the god of whatever it is you happen to be doing right now, and also because he definitely exists.

The third god is The God of Brown Mold, a horrific and putrid entity who ascended to godhood when he had the brilliant idea to take a small sample of Brown Mold to the former Elemental Plane of Fire, instantly transforming it in a single moment into the Elemental Plane of Brown Mold. This, of course, killed nearly every creature on the plane - and since the plane is infinite, caused him to gain an infinite amount of experience points. He gained an infinite number of levels in every class, and has literally infinite hit points, saving throws, attack bonus, ability scores, and skill checks. He also has every class feature and every feat, including an infinite number of instances of every feat that can be taken multiple times. While he does not possess the arbitrarily large reach of Pun-Pun, so he cannot kill the Godslayer, Pun-Pun can only deal an arbitrarily large amount of damage - not infinite. The God of Brown Mold is the God of Infinity, because his power is limitless. Practically the only thing he does not have an infinite amount of is treasure.

I'm trying to come up with any other "gods" that would fit into this story, related to similar ridiculous and farcical interpretations of the rules. I'm not aware of any combos, besides the God of Brown Mold, who can obtain such ridiculous power in Pathfinder (3.0 was much more absurd).

Any suggestions?

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That might be hard to do, considering how many of the "exploits" held up as examples of the absurdity of sticking to the rules are actually not rules-legal at all (at least, in Pathfinder; I can't speak to 3.X). For those who are genuinely proficient with Pathfinder rules, there are far fewer of these sorts of things than the chatter of the careless would lead one to believe.


In 3.5, the Omniscifier actually ascends to godhood a level earlier than Pun-Pun via actually infinite knowledge checks (rather than effectively infinite, like Pun-Pun).

The trick involves an Artificer, three sacrificial peasants, the strange way damage sharing powers in 3.5 actually generated more damage by rounding, Masochism (you get a stacking +1 to basically all rolls for every certain amount of damage you took that round), a bucket of water with a contingent cure light wounds hanging...and something else that kept you from dying for 1 round no matter how much damage you had taken.

You share damage (I forget the specific method) and deal any amount of damage to you or the linked peasants while Masochism is in effect. The damage sharing loop deals infinite damage to all of you. Masochism gives you +infinity to your knowledge skill checks, knowing something is a nonaction, so, you simultaneously know everything there is to know (including the future coming of pun-pun, which you also know how to stop), becoming omniscient. When you're all done knowing everything and have -infinity HP, you drown yourself in the bucket, instantly setting your HP to 0, the contingent (on drowning) Cure goes off, and you're totally fine. And omniscient.

The gimmick was that Pun-Pun took 3 (or was it 4?) levels to deify, while the Omniscifier did it a level earlier (I think at 2).

Edit: Jiggy, are you suggesting the Snow-Cone Wish Machine is not legal?

Grand Lodge

don't forget the universal machine... aka the weird computer, free action augury is dumb.

Liberty's Edge

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Well, as of Pathfinder, this is much harder than it was in 3.0 or 3.5.

That said, a 20th level Nature Oracle with the ability to reduce his Int to 2 (not actually that hard) can Awaken himself (or have himself Awakened) once a day for +2 HD and +1d3 Cha, then turn his creature type back to animal to do it again. There's no actual limit to the number of times he can do this.

So...it'd take quite a while, but after even two years we're talking +1460 HD and +730 Charisma (on a Charisma caster) at a minimum. That's not on par with the examples given thus far mind you, but seems worth noting as a demigod or something.

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If you really want to go with the spirit of that story(which is 1e/OD&D, not 2e, btw), you should include stuff from third-party publishers. A lot of the craziness of that story comes from allowing everything published in Dragon magazine whole cloth.

I don't have any god-related ideas, but some fun world-building stuff:

Peasant rail gun is still a thing. Even if you don't use it as a weapon, a line of constructs between cities could enable instantaneous transportation via readied actions.

Everyone could ride around on floating discs.

I suppose everyone would use planar binding or simulacrum to get unlimited wishes starting at level 11. Though it might be hard to get efreeti since the plane of fire is gone - hmm.

Everyone could carry around a small harmless animal to "attack" them at all times, so they can always be in combat and thus ready actions to get around having to actually roll initiative.

Obviously no mundane craftspeople exist - all goods are made by an endless supply of wizards with fabricate who have nothing better to do. Also they can infinitely triple the value of gems by reusing them as the material components of fabricate over and over.

Shopping should be done by summoned outsiders using greater teleport to visit every city in the world, one city per round, until they find the exact desired item.


Deadmanwalking wrote:

Well, as of Pathfinder, this is much harder than it was in 3.0 or 3.5.

That said, a 20th level Nature Oracle with the ability to reduce his Int to 2 (not actually that hard) can Awaken himself (or have himself Awakened) once a day for +2 HD and +1d3 Cha, then turn his creature type back to animal to do it again. There's no actual limit to the number of times he can do this.

So...it'd take quite a while, but after even two years we're talking +1460 HD and +730 Charisma (on a Charisma caster) at a minimum. That's not on par with the examples given thus far mind you, but seems worth noting as a demigod or something.

Don't even need nature oracle, animal soul feat allows constant awakens. A shaman is probably the most effective at this because they can feeblemind themselves and/or layer curses but so can the oracle.

Also pun-pun was a very tenuous build based solely on an ambiguous monster ability in an obscure forgotten realms book, not questioning the validity of it but that I never felt it was as legal even by optimization standards as other more main stream things.

edit: If using mythic adventures I know how to create an indestructible artifact familiar companion (yes it's an artifact + familar + animal companion) with as many HD as you are willing to put into to gold/other wise.

Liberty's Edge

Onyxlion wrote:
Don't even need nature oracle, animal soul feat allows constant awakens. A shaman is probably the most effective at this because they can feeblemind themselves and/or layer curses but so can the oracle.

Oh, you're right. I think that drops the minimum requirements to one person with the feat, and another one or two with Awaken + Feeblemind + Heal (so level 11-12 or so).


Deadmanwalking wrote:
Onyxlion wrote:
Don't even need nature oracle, animal soul feat allows constant awakens. A shaman is probably the most effective at this because they can feeblemind themselves and/or layer curses but so can the oracle.
Oh, you're right. I think that drops the minimum requirements to one person with the feat, and another one or two with Awaken + Feeblemind + Heal (so level 11-12 or so).

yeah you do lose some synergy with the casting stat but it saves you other people, also since shaman have pretty much open access to wizard spells you can setup contingency cycles. If oracle can gain access to shaman hexes then they would be just as good I think, basically the Lore hex: Arcane Enlightenment (Su) that you need.


Pun-Pun is not legal and does not actually work as proposed. So at best he's a cripple.

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Pretty sure they got Pun Pun down to level 1, also.

==Aelryinth


Ipslore the Red wrote:
Pun-Pun is not legal and does not actually work as proposed. So at best he's a cripple.

Agreed, manipulate form was one if not the most horribly written ability.


Are the peasant railgun, the one-bow army and the animal highway going to feature in this?


The peasant railgun does not actually work due to similar purposeful misunderstandings of the rules, so I doubt it.


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You could have a God of wealth who got his fortune from buying ladders and selling 10 foot poles.


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In the name of Vectron I bid you greetings!


Umbral Reaver wrote:
Are the peasant railgun, the one-bow army and the animal highway going to feature in this?

Seems maybe not, though I know of a hunter build that can achieve a speed of 300 or so.


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Ipslore the Red wrote:
The peasant railgun does not actually work due to similar purposeful misunderstandings of the rules, so I doubt it.

It also doesn't work because D&D has no rule for momentum. You can't violate all the other laws of physics because "the game says so" and then suddenly click on real world logic. The staff is passed around the planet at the speed of light and then simply stops and falls to the ground when the last peasant lets it go.


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The Shopkeep, god of commerce and artifice, who owns every magic item in the book and is also capable of storing them all in his single tiny shop (despite the tiny village he's in containing absolutely nobody remotely capable of affording any of his products except the PCs). If he is ever slain, the magic items all vanish, only to reappear in another shop owned by a suspiciously similar-looking gentleman. Some argue he's actually an Archduke of Hell, due to his completely mundane-yet-ingratiating technique of gaining followers.

The Hypothetical Adventurer, who possesses every statistic, feat or skill he might need to aid in silly rules debates. "Oh, of course I took that level in barbarian/prepared that spell/took ranks in Profession (apple farmer)!"


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BigNorseWolf wrote:
Ipslore the Red wrote:
The peasant railgun does not actually work due to similar purposeful misunderstandings of the rules, so I doubt it.
It also doesn't work because D&D has no rule for momentum. You can't violate all the other laws of physics because "the game says so" and then suddenly click on real world logic. The staff is passed around the planet at the speed of light and then simply stops and falls to the ground when the last peasant lets it go.

I'm imagining now that "rail-line" is an actual job that a lot of people in this world have. They get up at 6, stand at their place on the road, and just pass objects along at the speed of light for 8 hours, before heading home to sleep.

"Me father and grandfather were railsmen, just like me. It ain't a pretty job, but someone's got to move goods from East Town to Westton. It's an honest profession, it is."


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Oh my how could I of forgot the world breaker, the hulking hurler. So what planet did you want destroyed?


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If you're okay with 3.x but not Pathfinder ones, don't forget the Great Cleave/Whirlwind Strike/bucket of snails. The legendary warrior who was able to strike 3 or 4 dozen times in only six seconds.

You might also poke fun at the most commonly brought up "but the rules don't say" in Pathfinder, and have the phenomenon of the dead continuing to move and act.


Bite the pillow, I'm going in RAW.

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