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Blazing 9!


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

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Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

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Tothric wrote:
Coronal-Mass-Ejection Round

Welcome Tothric,

*How long does a bullet sit in a gun? If it is a molten ball of lava wouldn't it melt the gun. This is to say the first sentence and second could be combined. Transforms is a great action verb but 'starts to' is not.
**hmmm I suppose the misfire chance is of the gun and not the ammo. this sentence it to short to need parsing, so I would simplify it by switching your subjects and objects around until you can get rid of the pronoun.
***Price is wonky, accurate probably but wonky, I would round it down to 1500 or even less since it is a consumable.

Formatting looks mostly fine (double-dash is common not not correct) I am not sure why fireball is included, which would drop caster level and cost.

I like the image of gun hitting you with something sticky (persistent?) and having it burn the target with lava damage is very evocative. Nice work :)

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Mikko Kallio wrote:
template wrote:

Monster Name CR x

AL Size type (subtypes)
[Description, max. 100 words]

Baumgaurd CR 8

N Large plant

Description
A massive trunk with grey and red bark supports an overarching canopy of branches ending in giant, gnobbly knots. The leaves shed silver and red light and ring like silverbells as they move in the breeze.

Bred as a guardian with a reach extending dozens of feet, the baumgaurd attacks with gnobbled branches that may send targets flying. Colors from its leaves disrupt vision, partially blinding creatures under its canopy. Low-light and darkvision users suffer even more severely. When wounded its silvery sap outlines its attacker like the glitterdust spell. Murders of noisy crow often nest in its branches.

Spoiler:
I wanted CR 5, but I think 8 is more accurate. It is really weird sending in a first/rough draft, but its short, sweet, and just practice. Right? :)

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

I've enjoyed the monster pitches submitted so far! Keep 'em coming! I'll start reviewing them as soon as I've cleared a few freelance projects off my table.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Motes of Ghostly Substance
Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot --; Price 9000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
Motes of ghostly substance are physical dust motes transformed by positive energy. This energy is strongly attracted to the negative energy of undead, while the dust's physicality prevents incorporeal creatures from penetrating them or any matter coated with them. One application of the motes covers one medium creature or two small. Twice as many applications are required to coat a creature for each size category larger than medium. As many tiny or smaller creatures can be coated as fit on a 5' by 5' surface. Alternatively, one application can cover a reasonably flat 10’ by 10’ surface. A container begins with 12 applications. It requires a full-round action to coat a living creature, but one application can be thrown up to 10’ as a standard action to coat one medium undead or all undead in a 5’ by 5’ square, if smaller than medium.

Motes’ magic lasts 10 rounds. On a corporeal creature, they prevent incorporeal attacks from targeting touch AC, but each successful attack against the protected creature made by any undead creature or using negative energy shortens the duration by 1 round. A creature covered with them cannot bypass AC protections or travel through objects via incorporeality. A coated surface is impassible by means of incorporeality. The motes' glistening energy give a +10 to perception checks to notice any affected creature, even if invisible. If a covered creature is able to bestow negative levels, it may spend a standard action to reduce the motes' duration by the number of negative levels the creature’s attack would normally bestow.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, ghostbane dirge, Extend Spell; Cost 4500 gp

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

AckAckAck!

Gives, not give!

AckAckAck!

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

or, in the alternative, "energies" not "energy".

Either way, that's a glaring screw-up introduced by careless editing.

Sigh.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

CripDyke wrote:

Motes of Ghostly Substance:

Aura faint transmutation; CL 5th
Slot --; Price 9000 gp; Weight 1 lb.

Description
Motes of ghostly substance are physical dust motes transformed by positive energy. This energy is strongly attracted to the negative energy of undead, while the dust's physicality prevents incorporeal creatures from penetrating them or any matter coated with them. One application of the motes covers one medium creature or two small. Twice as many applications are required to coat a creature for each size category larger than medium. As many tiny or smaller creatures can be coated as fit on a 5' by 5' surface. Alternatively, one application can cover a reasonably flat 10’ by 10’ surface. A container begins with 12 applications. It requires a full-round action to coat a living creature, but one application can be thrown up to 10’ as a standard action to coat one medium undead or all undead in a 5’ by 5’ square, if smaller than medium.

Motes’ magic lasts 10 rounds. On a corporeal creature, they prevent incorporeal attacks from targeting touch AC, but each successful attack against the protected creature made by any undead creature or using negative energy shortens the duration by 1 round. A creature covered with them cannot bypass AC protections or travel through objects via incorporeality. A coated surface is impassible by means of incorporeality. The motes' glistening energy give a +10 to perception checks to notice any affected creature, even if invisible. If a covered creature is able to bestow negative levels, it may spend a standard action to reduce the motes' duration by the number of negative levels the creature’s attack would normally bestow.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, ghostbane dirge, Extend Spell; Cost 4500 gp

I think this is neat. There are really few ways to prevent incorporeal invasions.

While I can't comment on editing, or template as well as others, I will try to analyze the substance of the item and the merit of the mechanics as best as I understand them.

* This energy is strongly attracted to the negative energy of undead, *
This line is a little confusing for me. I'm not everyone. The bolded phrase seems to indicate to me, that if I drop this dust or leave it sit on a table, it will slowly move towards near-by undead. NEAT effect, but I don't think that's an intended affect.

*It requires a full-round action to coat a living creature, but one application can be thrown up to 10’ as a standard action to coat one medium undead or all undead in a 5’ by 5’ square, if smaller than medium.*
This line is a little interesting. It's a Full-round action to cover a living creature... but what happens if I throw this at a living creature that counts as undead for the purposes of negative energy. Outside chance sure... but I think just making this a standard action to apply to a creature simplifies some implications.

*On a corporeal creature, they prevent incorporeal attacks from targeting touch AC,*
Nit-picking here. Why not have this act as an armor oil that can be applied to armors? Saves you on word count for applying to living creatures.

*The motes' glistening energy give a +10 to perception checks to notice any affected creature... *
I think this last part of the paragraph is neat. It gives undead a way to "combat" the effects. It is nice. I believe we should always think about what it feels like to be the victim of the effect, as well as the user of the effect. And this includes that line of thinking really well.

Over all impression: I like this. I would use it. The magic only lasts 10 rounds, which is a LONG LONG time in combat, but in sieges and such... this gets whittled down in no-time. This could be a new line of items to prevent "ghost Invasions". which... I don't know if anyone has ever done before... but it's happening now, in my next campaign.

Good efforts!

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

@Tothric:

Thanks for the feedback!

I have some things I thought of saying after reading what you wrote, but for now I'm going to let the original stand.

After others have had a chance to chime in, should they so desire, then I might go back and say what you inspired me to say at a time when it won't make reviewing the item **as the item, using only 300 words** more difficult.

RPG Superstar 2014 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 16 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka motteditor

1 person marked this as a favorite.

I'm working on a handful of other things too at the moment, so I apologize if these came out a little terse. I was just trying to be quick/efficient in commenting.

Coronal-Mass-Ejection Round
I suspect this would not get many votes, since I think people would be wary of damaging their gun, especially for that cost. Of course, you may have been well aware of that and it's why you posted it as a practice item, but thought I'd mention it.

Some other thoughts:
* Not loving the name. Naming's an art, but one of the things I always liked was Clark's idea of is it something I'd want to write down on my character sheet. This feels clunky and, to me, too modern.
* Slot should be "none."
* You're missing a comma in your price.
* Weight should be 1 lb. You don't need the plural pounds for a singular weight.
* +1 bullet should be italicized. Also, your writing's a little choppy in those first three sentences; I'd see if you can weave them together so they flow a little more smoothly. Try to read them out loud, which I find helps.
* I wouldn't use "ammo." I'm not aware of Paizo using this shortened form ever (a quick PRD search returns no hits), so I would spell out ammunition, as they do.
* Your feat requirement is wrong; it should be *Craft* Magical Arms and Armor. Beyond that, I think you have some odd requirements. Why fireball and molten orb? I'd just pick one. Similarly, I don't think you need Craft (alchemy) ranks; you're not making an alchemical item, you're making a magic item. In general, I think voters frown on overly complex requirements. There are times skills make sense, but I mostly avoid them for my magic items.

Motes of Ghostly Substance
This feels similar to a SS item from a couple years ago, but not a problem for a practice item.

You don't really describe what these motes look like, just kind of dive into the mechanics. Also try to avoid using forms of "to be" if possible. Instead of "Motes of ghostly substance are physical dust motes transformed by positive energy," maybe something like "These dust motes, transformed by positive energy, sparkle as if bathed in sunlight." (Of course, your requirements call for ghostbane dirge, not something that provides positive energy, so that's a bit of a disconnect in the description and the mechanics.)

Some other thoughts:
* You need commas in your price and cost.
* Sizes are capitalized (i.e. Medium creature); Paizo doesn't use hash marks to indicate feet; that should be spelled out.
* Skills (i.e. Perception) should be capitalized.
* Feats should be groups together (in alphabetical order) in the requirements, so it should be Craft Wondrous Item, Extend Spell, ghostbane dirge...

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

@Jacob:

Thanks!

You don't remember what that other item was called, do you?

Did it make the top 32, or is it just gone with the wind?

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Thank you Jacob W. Michaels.

The item was inspired by May 4th and May 5th. So... I went for a very sci-fi theme. Most of what you pointed out was completely new to me, so thank you!

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

@Jacob:

Don't bother looking: I think I found it. Ethersnare dust.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

Mikko Kallio wrote:


Post a monster pitch! Or two. Or three. Use the following format:

template wrote:

Monster Name CR x

AL Size type (subtypes)
[Description, max. 100 words]

Rot-Arm CR 4

NE M undead (augmented humanoid)
Rot-Arms are mortals corrupted by necromancy while still alive, usually for having too much contact with undead. Tormented by the blight in their blackened arms spreading inwards, a Rot-Arm only feels relief when touching something living to channel the rot outwards. They are often easily tracked as they tend keep a hand on the grass wherever they go, withering it. If a Rot-Arm can conceal his arms, odor, and pain it can pass for the living. If it survives long enough to be fully consumed by rot, it either falls apart, or becomes a monster more terrible.

Lantern Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Jayson MF Kip

Mikko Kallio wrote:


Monster Name CR x
AL Size type (subtypes)
[Description, max. 100 words]

Sillicis CR 7

LE Medium Undead

This undead soldier has removed the weapon that slew him, and wields it with singleminded vengeance.

A sillicis (pl. sillices) is created when a soldier is left to die with a weapon lodged inside. Upon rising, their first act is to remove the weapon that slew them- -the wound they received never heals. Powerful melee combatants, sillices remember the way they were slain originally, gaining Weapon Focus and Weapon Specialization in whichever weapon was used to slay them.

Inspiration

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Torregiani, Brick CR 5

NE Large construct

These legless statues depict common men-at-arms at an uncommon scale using the same bricks used to construct the tower to which they bond.

Torregiani are eternally vigilant guards made part of a raised defense — typically a round tower, though sometimes a wall — from which they watch. Though they cannot break contact with this structure, they burrow through it as if by earth glide. Upon detecting an enemy, a torregian typically sounds an alarm, then lights a warning beacon before either attacking with rooftop siege engines or hiding within a wall to attack later with surprise.

Star Voter Season 8

Adventure Path Charter Subscriber

Derroling CR 2
AL N Small aberration

Torn skin barely fills the bat-like wings of the creature before you. Its skin is pocked, and a path of slime trails behind it.

A derroling can belch acid and successful physical attacks against it release a cloud of disease from the bursting bulges in its skin. The first derrolings resulted from failed derro attempts to turn bats into personal flying guardians. Derrolings retain the blindsense of their bat counterparts but lack the power of flight.

Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

Elot CR 3
N Fine vermin

Other midges annoy, but the swarming elot midge sparks true fear as the air around the swarm brightens from the dull green-brown of the midges' carapaces to bright crimson as a swarm tears through the skin of its prey.

An individual elot harmlessly bites skin at the base of victims' hairs, while a dozen or two might annoy locals or even damage victims' skin enough to itch. As a flying swarm, however, the elot tears its way into the inner ear, attacking normally protected follicles and progressively damaging hearing then sense of balance then even the brain.

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Whispering Insanity CR 2
N Fine fey

A sparkling dust mote drifts in the eddies and swirls of the cooling breeze, radiating a barely audible babbling.

Hidden amongst the motes and dust particles that glitter in streams of sunlight that penetrate wooded canopies and fill secret glades, this capricious mote lies in wait for creatures to sleep. It gently drifts down to a sleeping creature, settling into their ears to feed from the electrical impulses of a living brain. While its target sleeps, it constantly whispers and babbles to their subconscious thoughts, like a poorly remembered dream, thus preventing restful sleep and gradually wearing away the sleepers sanity to increase the brains electrical activity.

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Lol, what are the odds of two entries that are ear attack based! >.<

Such is my rubbish timing!

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Excellent, 10 monster pitches so far! I should be able to start reviewing them soon! I'll try to review 1/day. I hope that other people will also comment on them after I've posted my reviews; analyzing stuff that other people have designed is one of the best ways to learn design-fu.

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Jeff Hazuka wrote:

I suppose a few practice swings are in order.

Golem, Molten Lead CR 11
N Large Construct (fire)

This amorphous construct is a roiling mass of liquified lead. It radiates immense heat (10 foot aura as waves of fatigue; creatures with fire resistance 5 or greater are immune to this effect) and sticks to struck foes (for extra damage the following round).

Ok, time for the first review!

* Making a golem is both a good and bad idea: Golems have to follow certain rules, which in a way makes them easier to design, but it also restricts your choices. Also, because there are already dozens of golem varieties out there, it's harder to create something that seems unique enough to really stand out in a contest like RPGSS. That's always the problem with creature variants. However, a truly Superstar designer can make a really awesome new type of golem, so I'm not saying that golem is an absolute no no for RPGSS.
* The name is consistent with how golems are usually named and it's a name that works. It's not a wildly imaginative name, but that's one of the problems golems have: their names are always "Golem, Material".
* It's neutral as it should be, CR and size seem fine for what it is and does. "Construct" -> "construct"; creature types shouldn't be capitalized.
* Construction materials: If I've understood correctly, all golems are built, then animated. Therefore, molten lead is a bit problematic as a material. I think that it should either have a solid form with a molten inside or be of a different creature type, outsider (elemental) or ooze maybe?
* Resistance to magic: All golems have it, so I would have liked to hear if there's something interesting about how this golem's magic resistance works.
* Waves of fatigue: I really like it that you've reflavored a spell for use as a special ability. That's a great way to save a lot of words. It's a bit unusual, mechanically speaking, that fire resistance negates a mechanically unrelated effect although flavor-wise, it makes a lot of sense. That bit might require some tweaking.
* Sticking to struck foes: Flavor-wise, sounds like a neat ability! However, as written, it sounds as though it's much like bleed or burn, i.e. just extra damage. Maybe it should also entangle or otherwise do more than just cause a bit of extra damage.

Would I publish it: Yes, with a few tweaks.
Would I recommend it for RPGSS: Maybe, maybe not. If I was a member of your pit crew, I'd want to see your other ideas first.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

I like how the review is longer than the pitch :D

Lantern Lodge Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Jayson MF Kip

Most reviews should be longer, right?

RE: Mr. Kallio

Man, I spent a long time trying to figure out if the idea I had was a construct or an ooze, toying back and forth whether it was a golemlike ooze or an oozelike construct.

Can a creature be both?

N Large construct ooze (fire)?

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Petty Alchemy wrote:
I like how the review is longer than the pitch :D

I tend to be a bit wordy when I'm allowed to be. ;-) I think that it's almost possible to see what the creature is going to be like if the pitch is good. Jeff's pitch was pretty good, so it was possible to comment on a lot of things.

Jeff Hazuka wrote:

Most reviews should be longer, right?

RE: Mr. Kallio

Man, I spent a long time trying to figure out if the idea I had was a construct or an ooze, toying back and forth whether it was a golemlike ooze or an oozelike construct.

Can a creature be both?

N Large construct ooze (fire)?

Please call me Mikko! Nope, a creature may not have two types. The creature type not only affects what effects can affect the creature but also what its HD size, bab progression, class skills, etc. should be, so it's important to choose one or the other for it to be consistent with other monsters.

There are a few weird borderline cases like androids (humanoids that count as constructs), so you definitely can make an ooze that also counts as a construct or the other way around, but I'm not sure if I'd recommend that approach. Androids are meant to be conflicted creatures, but I don't see that being an important flavor aspect for this creature.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

My favorite PFS scenario of last season had a swarm of tiny constructs. Swarms might be an exception to the only one type rule though.

Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

The deadline for the next Wayfinder is approaching. If anyone is creating items for the 'I'm a monster' issue and would like to share for feedback please do so. :)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

Since Mikko hopes others will review in his footsteps, here are my thoughts on the Molten Lead Golem:

I think it should maintain a roughly humanoid shape, sort of like elementals do. If it's a blob, it should be an ooze.
I like the preview of its ability, and it is a cool one. I hope it has a Fort save though (unlike the level 7 spell), or martials are gonna hate fighting it. Fire Resist for a bonus rather than immunity. I feel like it should also give off poisonous vapors.

I'm not a publisher, but I agree with Mikko's assessment. I think there is space for a molten lead monster (whether golem or ooze), but maybe not a Top 32 for RPGSS.

@Curaigh: Swarm is a subtype, actually!

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Yep, swarm is a subtype. Anyway, I'll post the second review soon.

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Brigg wrote:

Stage Hands CR 9(?) (Not too good at calculating CR yet...x.x)

N Huge Construct

Designed by some of Oppara's top engineers, this six-armed stage prop blends seamlessly in with backdrops and curtains as it assists with scene changes and special effects such as smoke, sparks, or character flight. Has 6 slam attacks, At-will fog cloud, invisibility, pyrotechnics, and spark.

I'm posting on my tablet now, so my reviews will likely be shorter.

The name describes the monster well, but isn't particularly evocative. CR seems very high for something that's intended to help people, not kill them. Would it not make sense for the engineers try to make it as harmless as possible? It's also a very specific type of monster, making its utility very limited. You can only encounter it in Oppara, only at the opera, and only if it goes crazy for story reasons. The concept is also dangerously close to being gonzo, which is a risky choice.

Publish: unlikely, it would probably be a very niche product.
RPGSS: not recommended, too difficult to develop into a Superstar monster

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Jeff Hazuka’s Golem, Molten Lead
Name: ++ I am intrigued and want to see more.
Type: + I like constructs, ooze seems the best candidate followed by (elemental) outsider might also work.
Originality: +that extreme heat leads to exhaustion makes sense, but I would rather it be called out in a pitch. Also waves of fatigue is necromantic/negative energy, heat damage (non-lethal/fort saves etc.) might be better. Molten lead cries out for an amorphous ability ala T2.
Use: ++ I would love describing this as I dropped it on my players. Heat damage makes it more than just a slug fest. :)

Brigg‘s Stage Hand
Name: - not a fan of puns.
Type: ++ perfect for this, invisible stalker’s big brother
Unique: + nice backstory great for its place, I would add ghost sounds and maybe even some sonic damage (though only to champaign glasses :)
Use: + limited, but if ever we end up at a playhouse yes. I might rename it with Greek rooted words (ekkyklema or deus ex machina) Foreign words are generally a no-no but those are used in English-speaking theatres still.

AA‘s Pungent Pustule
Name: + gets the image across if not the size. A large pustule being something over half an inch or so.
Type: + nothing else quite fills the niche like an ooze. Is it Large ooze or a lawful ooze?
Unique: + because they fill the niche so well they are hard to make unique. Acid is even common for them, so I would add disease/nausea to hit the pungency aspect.
Use: + It will take some playing up of the stench, but it is a good sense to evoke.

Curaigh‘s Baumgaurd
Name: -- tree guard really? That's the best you can come up with?
Type: + plants don’t have their own realm so I like to see more of them.
Unique: -- this would be better as a playable race. Except for the large part. And the ridiculous reach. And the all-father’s gift of sight. And what's with the italics. Didn’t you even read the given template !
Use: - a one trick pony. Every tree in front of every entrance will be shot from clear back here from now on.

Jeff Hazuka‘s Sillicis
Name: - not descriptive enough to get a picture, homonyphically I get sisyphus, (which is not right) and or silicone and by default the horta (while silicone-based life-form, is not right either.)
Type: - undead, medium undead at that.
Unique: +- I struggled to see these differently than zombies or skeletons, but I think you did. The soldier backstory is good in the sense of ‘why haven’t I seen that before?’ ‘Tis heading into Statistically I think most sillices will get WF/WS: arrow, not a melee weapon but then you only need one for your players so it can be the exception. Inspired: read below.
Use: ++ huge battlefields could be littered with these things, but every player I know will loot the body of any fallen. I can play a lot with these. I am inspired to add: necro magic to the weapon (CR 7); eternal rest comes when slaying someone (enemy soldier? higher HD) and leaving said weapon in new corpse; cursing the weapon in question (so players who defeat and take said weapon start becoming sillicis themselves). Extra + comes from this inspiring me :)

Petty Alchemy‘s Rot-Arm
Name: + not overly descriptive, but gets the point across
Type: -+ not a fan of undead and think dhampir’s will soon bypass drow for their cliché, but I really like the idea of necromancy while still alive/undead touch. Can their feet, nose, eartips and other extremities have the blackrot or is it only the arms.
Unique: ++ again you turned my expectations of undead nice.
Use: + I would love for my players to followed withered footsteps through the forest. Obvious when you think about it, but lot of opportunity to build suspense.

Crypdyk‘s Torregiani, Brick
Name: - not enough to give me a picture of what it is, except for the brick. Presumably there are also a stick and a straw torregianis? (is that an Italian word?)
Type: + Constructs, yeah! Guardians, yeah! NE? I see lawful in the guardian, and by name that it defends others above itself (not E). Meh I would default to N and match the builder’s alignment.
Unique: + I really like the earth glide ability. I have used that before in a couple of similar ‘wall creatures.’ It can give it an element of incorporeal fights, without all the incorporeal difficulties a APL 5 party would reach.
Use: + yes, need to avoid caryatid columns crossover. I would give let them wield (wear? be?) siege machines. The alarm and beacon could be SLA. Maybe add pounce (or pounce sets off the alarms?)

CaelibDarkstone‘s Derroling
Name: +- (unless it is not tied to derro)
Type: -+ by story I’d prefer magical beast, but aberration make sense.
Unique: - acid & disease spewing doesn’t scream derro or bat to me, but I like the idea of the ‘cloud of either’, flying would have been the best part to include but then darkmantle vargoyle’s have that niche already.
Use: - A wingless bat relentless following a party can be kind of creepy. Some how they would be a foil to any contact with Derro, but I am not sure how just yet.

CripDyke‘s Elot
Name: – not descriptive enough to get a picture. Description starts by telling me what it isn’t. ‘Elot midges’ would be +
Type: + though it should have the… what’s the word for it? Oh yeah SUBTYPE :p swarm. They are harmless until that point.
Unique: ++- attacking hearing and balance are good design choices, but only one of those is tied to hair. (Even less so the brain. ) lose the fluff and you have something.
Use: ++ yes, something to affect my PCs hearing and balance avoids a slugfest.

AA‘s Whispering Insanity
Name: + name itself works but doesn’t seem fey.
Type: + right type for what this creature does. Name sounds more aberration or undead.
Unique: + fancy play off the fey’s mind-affecting charm. Once inside does it stay inside? I would lose the science though, fey do it just because they can. Fatiguing is a good design space to play with (coupled with insanity?)
Use: + not a slug fest, very fey in nature. I almost think this should be an affliction or infestation but I like the fey aspect. :)

‘s
Name:
Type:
Unique:
Use:
‘s
Name:
Type:
Unique:
Use:

I shall have to use this format to get through rounds quicker in RPGSS. Blazing 9, developing techniques for future skills :)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

Stage Hands:

I love the name. I agree that the CR seems very high for a special effects bot. I'd recommend reducing the slams to 1 or 2, even if it has more hands. Unfortunately there are very few circumstances in which you could really encounter a Stage Hands. I'd like it more if it was smaller, and maybe in the CR 3. I'm also not sure if this is an intelligent construct or not. I hope it's at least capable of saying "Eh, it's a living!".

@Curaigh: Thanks for the review!
The rot is core to their suffering and to their offensive capability.
If you put the rot on nose/ears, they can't really do much to anything until it gets to the arms. It could be interesting to have a more-or-less helpless version of the creature though, if you want to see how the PCs react. Maybe they'd try to cure it, maybe they'd kill it to end its pain/prevent it becoming fully rotted.

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CripDyke wrote:
Motes of Ghostly Substance

*'transformed' is a good action word, 'are' is not (attracted/is; requires/are etc.)

**common wisdom is to start with a physical description. A strong visual gives the reader something concrete to start with. That said a container of dust motes, isn't very strong opening line, so I might start with describing the motes in action. YMMV
***A lot of wordcount goes to explaining the application amounts, I would look for a way to make those rules smaller. For RPG SS one might just leave it at one medium creature; (the developers can extrapolate from there using other dust items.) For a published piece I think the detail is important, you don't want to give your developers more work.

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Petty Alchemy wrote:


@Curaigh: Thanks for the review!
The rot is core to their suffering and to their offensive capability.
If you put the rot on nose/ears, they can't really do much to anything until it gets to the arms. It could be interesting to have a more-or-less helpless version of the creature though, if you want to see how the PCs react. Maybe they'd try to cure it, maybe they'd kill it to end its pain/prevent it becoming fully rotted.

My pleasure :) I was just curious because so much of it was focused on the arms. 'Tis only a pitch, if it were to be developed I would want to explore that area (frex: beginning stages might be have a weaker version-requiring a successful grapple to press its face against target, or some such).

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Thank's Curaigh - you were spot on with your feedback...

I did think aberration but I wanted to play more with fey as it's a type I need to become more familiar with and use more.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Curaigh wrote:


AA‘s Pungent Pustule
Name: + gets the image across if not the size. A large pustule being something over half an inch or so.
Type: + nothing else quite fills the niche like an ooze. Is it Large ooze or a lawful ooze?
Unique: + because they fill the niche so well they are hard to make unique. Acid is even common for them, so I would add disease/nausea to hit the pungency aspect.
Use: + It will take some playing up of the stench, but it is a good sense to evoke.

Thank you very much for the review.

Do you have any other thoughts on how to proceed? To answer your question: It was supposed to be a Large ooze.

Sovereign Court Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9

@Curaigh, Petty, Mikko:

Thank you very much for the feedback on Stage Hands. I gladly concede to the suggestions involving scaling back the size and CR. And adding ghost sound...Why didn't I think of that!? x.x

I was aware of the potentially limited use of such a monster. It's just my opinion that with a tabletop RPG such as Pathfinder, I feel it would be good to have a monster for any situation, no matter how distant the possibility might be to encounter it. I mean, come on, does every campaign use a Tarrasque? How about Cthulu or Bokrug? The beastiaries are full of monsters that some people would never give a second glance; ones that don't fit their campaign, etc.

Still, yes, I appreciate the honest feedback, and submit that such an idea would be difficult to shine as a Superstar.

Also, real quick...still learning lingo here. What does "Gonzo" mean in regards to this.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

The monsters in your example (except maybe the Bokrug? Never heard of it) usually aren't used because the PCs don't get high enough level to face them.

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Tothric wrote:

Thank you very much for the review.

Do you have any other thoughts on how to proceed? To answer your question: It was supposed to be a Large ooze.

it depends on what you want to do with. The call was for a pitch & you've done that. :) For future pitches look at what was asked for you will notice the formatting lawful / large question. Formatting to the publisher's standard is an important thing to learn. For monster building advice check out the past 8 years of RPG SS monster rounds, in particular look at the judges comments. as far as the thread is concerned make something new every month take what you did last month with the critique and post a rewrite.

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Gonzo. In the context of RPG SS, search season 1 for: gonzo, clinton, boomer, or monkey pants.

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Curaigh wrote:
Gonzo. In the context of RPG SS, search season 1 for: gonzo, clinton, boomer, or monkey pants.

O.o! Oh wow. Interesting!!

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Re: Gonzo: When a machine sounds like something Gyro Gearloose built, it's probably gonzo. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, it doesn't.

Re: Limited use: It's good to remember that there are many monsters in bestiaries that wouldn't be successful in RPGSS. In RPGSS, you want the voters to think "this would be easy to use in my campaign".

I hope that helps.

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Tothric wrote:

Monster Pitch

Pungent Pustule CR 5
L Ooze
This odd creeping odorous entity is filled with a puss that is abrasive to the touch, much like a weeping blister. As it slides along, it spews its nauseating fluids at movement it detects nearby (acidic spray as a special attack, caster level 3). It’s fairly easy to notice, but it is not comfortable to be around as it’s smell can hinder even the most fortuitous of foes (Horrific Stench aura), allowing it the chance to gain ground on potential victims.

Cripdyke wrote:
** spoiler omitted **
...

The name describes it well, but I don't recommend alliterative names. L is not an abbreviation Paizo uses, but it's no bit deal as this is just a pitch and we're mainly looking at ideas. I like how you've reflavored spells as abilities, but it needs a unique ability or two so you can better show your rules-fu. An ooze that sprays acid and smells bad is an ok concept, but for RPGSS, you probably need a more unique concept. There are already lots of different types of oozes out there and this one isn't different enough to stand out.

Publish: Maybe, needs tweaks
RPGSS: Probably not, not different enough from other oozes

Grand Lodge RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

Curaigh wrote:
Mikko Kallio wrote:
template wrote:

Monster Name CR x

AL Size type (subtypes)
[Description, max. 100 words]

Baumgaurd CR 8

N Large plant

Description
A massive trunk with grey and red bark supports an overarching canopy of branches ending in giant, gnobbly knots. The leaves shed silver and red light and ring like silverbells as they move in the breeze.

Bred as a guardian with a reach extending dozens of feet, the baumgaurd attacks with gnobbled branches that may send targets flying. Colors from its leaves disrupt vision, partially blinding creatures under its canopy. Low-light and darkvision users suffer even more severely. When wounded its silvery sap outlines its attacker like the glitterdust spell. Murders of noisy crow often nest in its branches.

** spoiler omitted **

The name's ok, though to speakers of German it might look like it's misspelled. I like the abilities, they're a nice mix of control and debuffs. Also, the flavor and mechanics work well together. Plants are difficult to make really interesting, and this is a tree, which as a concept has been used many times before. In RPGSS, that would probably be the biggest challenge with this monster, making it interesting as a monster, not just a thing to fight.

Publish: Yes
RPGSS: Probably

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Mikko Kallio wrote:


The name describes it well, but I don't recommend alliterative names. L is not an abbreviation Paizo uses, but it's no bit deal as this is just a pitch and we're mainly looking at ideas. I like how you've reflavored spells as abilities, but it needs a unique ability or two so you can better show your rules-fu. An ooze that sprays acid and smells bad is an ok concept, but for RPGSS, you probably need a more unique concept. There are already lots of different types of oozes out there and this one isn't different enough to stand out.

Publish: Maybe, needs tweaks
RPGSS: Probably not, not different enough from other oozes

You know Mikko, I realized that L thing IMMEDIATELY after hitting post.

Thank you for the review. :-)

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Mikko Kallio wrote:

Re: Gonzo: When a machine sounds like something Gyro Gearloose built, it's probably gonzo. Sometimes it works, but more often than not, it doesn't.

Re: Limited use: It's good to remember that there are many monsters in bestiaries that wouldn't be successful in RPGSS. In RPGSS, you want the voters to think "this would be easy to use in my campaign".

I hope that helps.

That DOES help. Tremendously! ^.^!!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Quick reminder to folks.

Paizo apparently still has the open call for Pathfinder Quests. If you are interested. The link is here.

If anyone has more information about this, I'm sure some people would really appreciate it. I don't have a lot. I'm reading over the guidelines in my spare time.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka Petty Alchemy

Tothric wrote:
Mikko Kallio wrote:


The name describes it well, but I don't recommend alliterative names. L is not an abbreviation Paizo uses, but it's no bit deal as this is just a pitch and we're mainly looking at ideas. I like how you've reflavored spells as abilities, but it needs a unique ability or two so you can better show your rules-fu. An ooze that sprays acid and smells bad is an ok concept, but for RPGSS, you probably need a more unique concept. There are already lots of different types of oozes out there and this one isn't different enough to stand out.

Publish: Maybe, needs tweaks
RPGSS: Probably not, not different enough from other oozes

You know Mikko, I realized that L thing IMMEDIATELY after hitting post.

Thank you for the review. :-)

You can edit posts for 1 hour I believe. Won't help in RPGSS, but handy otherwise.

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Tothric wrote:
Curaigh wrote:


AA‘s Pungent Pustule

Thank you very much for the review.

I should also apologize as I credited your postule to AA. Sorry about that Tothric!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Dedicated Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9 aka Tothric

Curaigh: The important thing is that I got feed back. Not just feedback but critical feedback.

That's a rarity in my parts. Honestly: If my Pustule could be confused with something AA produced... I'm honored.

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Tothric wrote:

Curaigh: The important thing is that I got feed back. Not just feedback but critical feedback.

That's a rarity in my parts. Honestly: If my Pustule could be confused with something AA produced... I'm honored.

I wouldn't be - I have never placed in any superstar year :P

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