101 Solutions to the "Goblin Baby Problem"


Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion

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Liberty's Edge

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168. Don't worry. Be happy.


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169. Worry. Be sad.

Liberty's Edge

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170. Teach them how to Disco.


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171: Form the worst children's choir ever. "We be the world, we be the burners!"

172: Determine if sacrificing them to the dark gods actually annoys the dark gods for inferior-quality sacrifices.

The Exchange

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Me thank nice lady for good words. Me realize that something different about me, but Ma helped me after the dirty humans took me away. She hugged me, petted me, and called me George. Me not know who George is, but she knows my name now.

I am Zizel Lighter, and I am a GobLin!!!

"Zizel."

Uh, well, was raised by goblins.

Liberty's Edge

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173. Be EXTREME!


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174. Cast permanent shrink person and polymorph...then 'blend in'

Liberty's Edge

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175. Turn them into a traveling circus.

Dark Archive

Open up a sweat shop


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176. Put them to work at a Blacksmith's when they grow up. The weapons and armor might not be the best, but at least they get all the fire they could ever want there.


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177. Give them to me! A brain is a brain no matter how small

The Exchange

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Me brain not small!!! It is just overly focused.


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Zizel Lighter wrote:
Me brain not small!!! It is just overly focused.

Would you like me to hold it for you, it must be heavy, Mmmmm, and juicy......


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178. Raises them to adulthood, then use them as cannon-fodder in your Adventure Vacation business.


SilvercatMoonpaw wrote:
178. Raises them to adulthood, then use them as cannon-fodder in your Adventure Vacation business.

This gives me an image of a bunch of drunk ass foppish dickheads chasing down a bunch of lazy overweight Goblins.

Poor lil guys! they just wanted to eat and burn shit.

The Exchange

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Bill, Brain Collector wrote:
Zizel Lighter wrote:
Me brain not small!!! It is just overly focused.
Would you like me to hold it for you, it must be heavy, Mmmmm, and juicy......

Here, hold this. *Goes around the corner with fingers in ears* 3...2...1....


Can't they be used to keep cleave/great cleave/supreme cleave running like the ol' bucket of rats?

Bag of rats - Dungeons and Dragons Wiki


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Challenge them to honorable combat.


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179. Procrastinate until they become an adult goblin problem.


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180. Teach them basic math so they can figure out that 180 equals is a lot more than 101 methods to deal with them.


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181 teach them to play an instrument and use them as a backup band for a bardic performance


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:
71. Make a thread about it. We don't have enough of those yet.

182. Make another thread about it. Just to be sure.


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Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber

183. Start spitballing some ideas for incorporating morally challenging goblin babies into next year's RPG Superstar.

184. Assert your personal superiority by showing you're too cool for this thread.

185. Start a new thread titled, "101 more solutions to the Goblin Baby Problem" in order to further study this issue.


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This has never been a problem in our game because we use Nurture over Nature and Goblin and other can be raised not to be psycho.
To me Goblinoids are like Danish Vikings. The Danish Viking where evil as people come, as they Murdered, raped, enslaved and pillage people had never harmed them and in some cases never even knew who they where, just because they where stronger and meaner.But where the Danes evil by nature? No today Denmark is a peaceful friendly country.


Degoon Squad wrote:

The Danish Viking where evil as people come, as they Murdered, raped, enslaved and pillage people had never harmed them and in some cases never even knew who they where, just because they where stronger and meaner.

Wait, are you saying that's wrong? I thought I was just being CN.


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186. Turn them into Kobolds, then send them back to 3.5 to become Pun Puns.


Degoon Squad wrote:

This has never been a problem in our game because we use Nurture over Nature and Goblin and other can be raised not to be psycho.

To me Goblinoids are like Danish Vikings. The Danish Viking where evil as people come, as they Murdered, raped, enslaved and pillage people had never harmed them and in some cases never even knew who they where, just because they where stronger and meaner.But where the Danes evil by nature? No today Denmark is a peaceful friendly country.

Sure, but vikings were human. There were plenty of less violent human cultures.

If goblins are just nurture, where are the peaceful friendly goblins? There should be just as broad a spectrum as there are of humans.

And given what we know of goblin child raising, it would be a Good thing to kill the adults just to save the children from that kind of abuse.


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187 turn them in to a world renown footie (soccer) team

Grand Lodge

Deadbeat Doom wrote:
186. Turn them into Kobolds, then send them back to 3.5 to become Pun Puns.

187. Turn them into kobold eggs, and send them to The Dragon's Demand module.


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188. Blame Cosmo. (for babies, for moral dilemmas, for the GM, for whatever)


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189. Check whether they are your own. If they are you can do whatever should probably get them something to eat. Or at least shout for their mother do take care of them.


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190. BURNING CACTUS!


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191. Take the leadership feat and train them as clerics. Those babies might be able to pump out up to three castings of CLW per baby per day. More if any of them actually have a moderate wisdom score.


The 8th Dwarf wrote:
JonathonWilder wrote:
I find it funny how so many are saying their is no such thing as baby goblins, somehow I feel this is so they can justify killing them without bothering with the moral implications of such. I as a D&D, wouldn't allow a player to justify it in such a way.

Some of us play the game to escape the s+!@tyness of the real world. It's is understood in our group that throwing moral dilemmas of this kind is not welcome in any way. So standard set up is there is no such thing baby Goblinoids.

If we want to get into anguish and dispair we play WOD

I find it bemusing that if a group of people want thier game to be beer and pretzels with lots of laughs, they are considered to be a lesser or lower order of gamers, compared to "real ROLE players".

Smells like elitism and snobbery to me.

I would agree with this, if every beer and pretzels game I was in didn't decend into general drunken nonsense. Ever see the Simpsons with duff gardens and the seven little drunks? Yeah, just put character sheets in front of six of them and have Surly be the DM and that's the game. Every. Time. Sorry, but not everyone plays on the same level.


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captain yesterday wrote:
156. Take them to Freehold's place, ring doorbell, Run!

looks down at care package of baby goblins

Smiles

Makes them watch weeks of buffy, firefly and other whedon-based nonsense

Returns to sender


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Freehold DM wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
156. Take them to Freehold's place, ring doorbell, Run!

looks down at care package of baby goblins

Smiles
Makes them watch weeks of buffy, firefly and other whedon-based nonsense
Returns to sender

Oh, so you're a compassionate temporary father! IIIIIIIIII, see! :D


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Freehold DM wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
156. Take them to Freehold's place, ring doorbell, Run!

looks down at care package of baby goblins

Smiles

Makes them watch weeks of buffy, firefly and other whedon-based nonsense

Returns to sender

You monster.

The Exchange

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I like Buffy Stick Wielder and Firefly Muppet Hour.


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Soilent wrote:
Freehold DM wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
156. Take them to Freehold's place, ring doorbell, Run!

looks down at care package of baby goblins

Smiles

Makes them watch weeks of buffy, firefly and other whedon-based nonsense

Returns to sender

You monster.

No, the real monster locks them in a room with a Firefly fan that won't STFU. It's been a dozen years, it was only on the air for one season, and it was entertaining, but not "rave about it's cancellation for nigh onto a dozen years as if someone committed an atrocity instead of discontinuing a mere television show."


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I don't think he's trying to torture the goblins.

I think he's trying to torture captain yesterday by sticking him with a dozen insane Whedonites.


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Kobold Cleaver wrote:

I don't think he's trying to torture the goblins.

I think he's trying to torture captain yesterday by sticking him with a dozen insane Whedonites.

Perhaps not, but if you give me a setup to burn Firefly fanboys who still whine about it's cancellation after a dozen years, don't act like I'm not gonna take that set up as fast as MichaelScott/Quagmire/Archer with a That'sWhatSheSaid/Giggidy/Phrasing opportunity. It's impossible to resist.


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thegreenteagamer wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:

I don't think he's trying to torture the goblins.

I think he's trying to torture captain yesterday by sticking him with a dozen insane Whedonites.

Perhaps not, but if you give me a setup to burn Firefly fanboys who still whine about it's cancellation after a dozen years, don't act like I'm not gonna take that set up as fast as MichaelScott/Quagmire/Archer with a That'sWhatSheSaid/Giggidy/Phrasing opportunity. It's impossible to resist.

But... but... what if I just became a fan, recently?!


Tacticslion wrote:
thegreenteagamer wrote:
Kobold Cleaver wrote:

I don't think he's trying to torture the goblins.

I think he's trying to torture captain yesterday by sticking him with a dozen insane Whedonites.

Perhaps not, but if you give me a setup to burn Firefly fanboys who still whine about it's cancellation after a dozen years, don't act like I'm not gonna take that set up as fast as MichaelScott/Quagmire/Archer with a That'sWhatSheSaid/Giggidy/Phrasing opportunity. It's impossible to resist.
But... but... what if I just became a fan, recently?!

You get like a week to lament it. Then move on to another cancelled before it's time show. Arrested Development is exactly as good as everyone says, but I recommend Spaced.

Spaced had exactly the same number of episodes as Firefly (half as long and over two seasons no less), holds up just as well if not better to time, was way lower budget due to being a comedy. And you get to see Simon Pegg try to look like a cool 20 something, even though his face has been perpetually 45 since he hit adolescence.


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192. Trade them in Katapesh for a magic lamp, then make a wish that all Goblins would be Lawful Good Paladins of Sarenrae so these threads would be over!

193. Bake them into giant Goblin cakes to be fed to Ogres.

194. Burp the baby Goblins so they give up the gold that dwells in every non-Human's stomach!

195. Give them to a jolly fat man from Irissen so they can be dressed up in ridiculous costumes and made to craft toys for the children of Golarion, which are delivered from a sleigh driven by reindeer-blooded Celestial Cauchemares.

196. Do what any good parent would do: take them to The Shackles and teach them the fine art of pirating!

197. Construct an elaborate demiplane where you drop off the baby Goblins and watch them tear themselves apart, proving the 'Goblinz iz eeeeeeeeeevil!' hypothesis, which makes it allowable to now wipe out their entire species so these threads need not ever be a thing again!

198. Let the GM fiat you becoming temporarily possessed by a Goblin-murdering murderhobo ghost which depossesses you once there are no living Goblins in sight. It's not your fault you murdered the evil little buggers.

199. Promote a peaceful day of 'Free Hugz for Everyone' between the Goblins and a band of Fire Elementals.

200. Do... nothing? It's not your job as an adventurer to drop your grand quest to save Golarion itself and become a nursemaid to crazed Goblin babies!


thegreenteagamer wrote:
Soilent wrote:
Freehold DM wrote:
captain yesterday wrote:
156. Take them to Freehold's place, ring doorbell, Run!

looks down at care package of baby goblins

Smiles

Makes them watch weeks of buffy, firefly and other whedon-based nonsense

Returns to sender

You monster.
No, the real monster locks them in a room with a Firefly fan that won't STFU. It's been a dozen years, it was only on the air for one season, and it was entertaining, but not "rave about it's cancellation for nigh onto a dozen years as if someone committed an atrocity instead of discontinuing a mere television show."

Imagine how bad firefly fans are, now make them goblins...

What hath he unleashed?

Software Developer

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201) Dress them up


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202) ensure the are able to reincarnate before the accumulate more bad karma. Its the only kindly thing to do.


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i'm still standing by my Fire as a solution answer.


Pathfinder Rulebook Subscriber

203) If they aren't inherently evil, they aren't inherently good, either. Kill them just to be on the safe side.


204) Don't bring modern time ethic & moral standards into a FANTASY World where good, evil, divine powers etc. aren't just concepts but proven truth!

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