The Fortress Unassailable


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RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Poster 0: We'll break through their walls with our catapults!

That won't work, there are mages in the towers that polymorph incoming boulders into graceful doves.

We'll send our best assassins to take out the mages!


Sadly, a bad plan, they have a magic scanner identifying and roasting any not of the castle.

We could drop a bunch of cadavers into their only source of water and have them die of disease!


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

That would be great if they didn't have access to the elemental plane of water.

We could have the dwarves make a tunnel and come up from the ground.

Liberty's Edge

Small issue, they have a magical ward against beards up.

We could cast wish and wish that the castle was assailable

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Unfortunately, the wish changes the definition of "assailable" to be "unassailable", much like flammable and inflammable.

We could transmute the stone to magma!

Liberty's Edge

You fool! They have a portal to the elemental plane of water!

We could just give up and surrender and let them win, I see nothing wrong with merely offering a hand of peace, after all. Why are we fighting them? We could just, you know, snuggle animals together and not be jerks.

Silver Crusade

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber; Pathfinder Comics Subscriber

Bad news I'm afraid, the enemy takes surrender as the vilest insult and will kill us a the first sign of weakness.

Have we tried an aerial assault where we have our spellcaster's raven familiars drop caustic acid on top of the defenders?


That'd be great, if they didn't have resist acid permanently.

Maybe a tenfold empowered sleep spell?

Shadow Lodge

Sadly our spies report that they are all half-dragon elves.
What if we send in the space hamster squadren?


They have constructs to wake them up and defend the fortress til they are awake.

We could release the Tarrsque!

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Both good plans, unfortunately the space hamsters are attending to an attack on their home planet by the enemy, and the Tarrasque slumbers from our own testing of the empowered sleep spell.

How about our Cavaliers, on Jump enchanted pogo sticks to bound over their walls?


The ground outside is boggy and will swallow the pogo sticks. It's also infested with a vicious ground vine that will strangle the cavaliers and pull them into the boggy ground to decompose as fertilizer.

We can try giant magical mechas to tear the place apart.


Good idea, but they have turret mounted rust monsters all around the perimeter.

We could always present them with a large wooden horse, and after they take it in to the fortress, we release the tens of thousands of flesh eating beetles contained within.


Not bad per se, however their archers are pyromaniacs and shoot anything wooden coming close.

We could hide a bunch of goblins in a supply crate, along with a portable black hole and bag of holding. Once inside......


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Alas it's warded against rules shenanigans...

We could cross genres and call a super star destroyer to begin orbital bombardment.

Dark Archive

Unfortunately the The shield generator is still up and running, our forces could not get past the plucky rebels and there native alies.
I shall begin the rite of summonig of Cthulhu.


Well, they're already irrevocably mad in that "So insane they are able to function properly" sort of way, so the summoning would hurt us more than them.

We could always ally with earth elementals and get them to create a volcano to erupt under the fortress.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Unfortunately they have the legal right to volcanoes, calderas, lava, and magma. We'd need to get their permission, and the fee they propose is outrageously beyond us.

We could release swarms of spiders to crawl over their walls and infest their homes.

Silver Crusade

They all have Skill Focus:Profession (exterminator)

We could just ask nicely.


Sadly, they are so steeped in the culture of irony that, after the first accepted the offer of peace, the others would assume he was being sarcastic and slay our diplomats.

We could always pray that the Dark Lord Ba'al would consume them in his corrupting flames.


Sadly, Dark Lord Ba'al is on extended vacation right now, WITH his corrupting flames.

We could offer them candy until their teeth fall out.


Well, sadly for them, there was an outbreak of the gum disease known as "gingivitis" several years ago, and all teeth in the fortress were lost. Sadly for us, they have a contingent of excellent ivory carvers and orthodontists, so every man-jack of them is fitted with dental prosthetics, making them immune to tooth decay.

Perhaps we could air drop baskets of brain-worms from the backs of hippogriffs.


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Brain-worms would never last at that altitude...

We could try ninja assassin vines dressed as girl scouts.

Scarab Sages

They're not interested, they bake their own cookies.

We could conjure a giant glassteel dome over the castle until the greenhouse effect boils them all to death.


Sadly glassteel is susceptable to the aforementioned rust monster turrets and would quickly fall to ruin. Good try, however.

Perhaps we could invoke the Primal Chaos upon them, so that it consumes all matter around it?


Sadly, the Fortress itself is covered by a divinely morphic field, and someone in there is thinking powerful enough thoughts to stabilize the area.

We could always build another fortress beside it and divert their supply routes to that to starve them.

Scarab Sages

Once Primal Chaos (ALL HAIL!) is brought into the mix, all bets are off. It might consume all matter around it, but there's an equal chance it would fortify the fortress even further. Or give some or all of the occupants god-like powers. Or send the fortress back in time so the occupants could use their knowledge of the future to screw us over. Or turn the whole thing into a giant tuna sandwich. Or levitate the fortress a light-year straight up. Or summon a giant tailor to supply friend and foe alike with snappy new pants. We MIGHT get a result we like...or not. I'd be willing to try...*looks around with a maniacal expression*...Who else?

Failing that, we could try summoning the Magic School Bus to turn into an air molecule or a germ or a nematode or whatever and get us in that way.

And of course, there's always ninjas.

Silver Crusade

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Sadly, we have so many ninjas the Inverse Ninja Law would take effect.

We could hit them with a giant ball of garbage.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Naturally hitting them with a giant ball of garbage was the FIRST thing we tried, per our glorious leader's handbook on tactical warfare. Their goblin tinkers have apparently managed to find treasure in the trash, and turned the remains into deadly golems. We dare not do it again.

Let's lure them out of their fortress by throwing a great festival!


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

That would work if they weren't the Jehovah Witnesses of this realm.

Perhaps Tiny Coffee Golems made of C4?


Alas, they don't drink coffee and find them suspicious as such.

How about we mass teleport plague zombies to fill every nook and cranny in there?

Silver Crusade

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber; Pathfinder Comics Subscriber

Teleport trap would send them straight to the furnace.

Couldn't we try sending oozes through the arrow slits?

Scarab Sages

HELLOOOO?!? This is the fortress guarding the gate to the netherworld, here! They've got Ammit, Devourer of the Dead on call for them 24/7 - and the arrow slits have Space-Age one-way airlocks!

I know! How about we TP the place to the ground?

Liberty's Edge RPG Superstar 2015 Top 16, RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16

They'll take our TP and send it back, used.

Two words: balor swarm.

Silver Crusade

One word: Wardstones

We could knock on their door and run away.


And it wouldn't do much.

We could offer them a flock of human-shaped succubi?


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No no, Ulfen Death Squad would run in to 'save' anything remotely resembling succubi.

Hey wait, we could send Ulfen Death Squad instead.


If only they existed the true Ulfen Death Squad that is there is a group that calls themselves that but they are a speed metal band.

I think the only way to be certain of their demise is to nuke them from orbit. it is really the only way to be sure.


Unfortunately, they have hacked our satellites, so we have no guidance systems for the missiles.

Perhaps we could play the Music of the Fabulous Thunderbirds, and Jimmy Vaughn's savory guitar licks would cause them to rock so hard that they would forget their duties, facilitating our attack.


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

That would make it through my front door any day...but they are country music fans.

How about we hold Garth Brooks for ransom unless they open the gates?

Shadow Lodge

Who in all the Nine Hells would pay that ransom?
No, we send in N.W.A., Ice Cube, 50 cent, and Samuel Jackson, he's a bad mother...

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 16

Without their artifacts (50 Cent's Crystal Skull, Samuel Jackson's Mace of Windu, etc), they are no more effective than common bards.

What if we offer them free coffee, but secretly make it...decaf.

Silver Crusade

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Adventure Path, Starfinder Maps, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber; Pathfinder Comics Subscriber

Decaffeinated coffee was made a war crime in 1926 by international treaty.

Why don't we try luring them out by reuniting hit 2000's pop sensation the Baha Men?

Scarab Sages

If we do that...then we're the bad guys.

We could pump carbon monoxide into the building.


No good not a single person in there has a con score.
We could challenge them to a winner take all game of tic-tac-toe. Their champion verse our champion.


Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

No no no....the world tic tac toe champion resides within.

What if we blared Episodes 1-3 of Star Wars and launch Twilight novels via steam driven catapults.


The entire reason we are fighting them is because they are Lucas Apologists and Twihards.

What if we lured them out into a tent, one at a time, with promises of a free back rub, and then, during the back rub, we stab them?


I get the feeling they are competent enough to rub their own backs without our help.

What if we send in an army of level 1 rogues wearing divination-immunity magical items? We could give each of them an alchemical fire!

Silver Crusade

Yeah, but the guards are cavity-search happy.

We could keep them besieged until they succumb to an inability to replenish their genetic pool.


Sadly they are masters of alchemy and have plenty of clones available to each of them.

Maybe we could set up a company of bards who sing so badly, they off themselves to escape the horror, since even covering the ears hasn't proven effective against it.

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