Critiques by theheadkase!


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

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Ok, I'll bite and do my annual review of all the Official Critique My Item reviews in my own thread to keep that thread as clean as possible.

I've finally finished my Top 32 reviews so I will start with Page 1 and work my way through. Please bear in mind that I do not mean any negative things personally against you, the writer. I will do my best to make it constructive so that you can grow as a writer.

P.S If you wish to respond to critiques, please do so in this thread and put it in spoiler tags so as to keep THIS thread manageable.

Windpath Razor

Decent name and makes me think of a war razor...but its a scimitar! Not sure yet if I love that but it works.

Template seems good. Pricing feels right.

I know what you were going for in your descriptive sentence, but I think you could rewrite it to be clearer/better/etc.

A free action for the bull rushing wind...That's better than a quickened spell and still allows for both a quickened and regular spell to be cast that round...along with this. I would make it a move action and once per day.

I think this would actually work better if it were a throwing weapon...like a chakram. The next power...and the windy stuff in the beginning...would make more sense.

Overall, this is a good, book of magic items, weapon. It's not quite Superstar but you've got potential. Keep working on tying your powers subtly to weapon (or item) type and alluding to HOW the power work (throwing a chakram that causes a bull rushing burst of air of shimmering wind that aids allies in charge/run/withdraw actions makes more sense that unsheathing a scimitar)

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

ROD OF VERSATILE CHANNELING

I'm sure its been said but...yelling!

When I see strong auras and just barely above 10k price...something's off. Strong auras are exceptionally powerful casters...and you have CL 17 so I would expect at least 50k. Those services don't come cheap.

You've got some comma issues in your first sentence. Otherwise it is a perfectly serviceable description scene...not WOW but solid.

I'm not against reversing channel polarity...but I do feel like this kind of thing should be artifact level. Or at least make this an X number of uses then it shatters, to help with pricing. This is taking divine energy granted by gods and reversing their polarities.

The holy/unholy symbol section is clunkily written.

I like the "making it harder" for non-neutral types (but I find the necromancer bit weird...there can be good aligned necros) but the 2 or 3 sentences you spend on it could be condensed into 1 and save a ton of wordcount.

Don't capitalize spell names and should be italicized.

Cost/Price issue.

Overall, I like the idea well enough behind this. Somewhere in Golarion would be an uber powerful (likely semi-deity) who would make something like this. I think if you keep in mind the types of ideas you have but then reign in the "softer" implications of those items...you could do well. Also work on your technical writing, I would highly recommend that you get a writing circle.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Alchemist's Retort

Mark! Well done, I really liked this item all throughout voting.

Possessives in names are weird.

Template looks good.

I think the +1 should be italicized...I could be wrong?

I like the first sentence but I would actually cut the interjection at the end. That bit makes it feel like you weren't confident in your descriptive writing and wanted to sell it harder to me as the reader.

I'm a little confused as to what a hollow back is on a shield...shields are thing pieces of material (wood, metal, etc.) and generally possess enough depth to have a hollow portion and still be effective in combat. Perhaps if you would have just said a slot or some such.

Like the visual of the shield bursting out with the splash weapon...but the writing could have been even more evocative.

I'd probably make it resolve as an attack instead of saying they get auto-hit with a direct attack...maybe even just a reflex save.

I like the reforming aspect.

Good job counting the alchemist's bomb against his daily allotment.

Overall, I really liked this item all throughout voting. I'm honestly surprised not to see this in the Top 32. But, there are some issues and folks didn't seem to love shields as much this year.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Enlightened Jian

I love monks. I expected a well done monk item. Let's dig in.

Template seems good.

2 pounds isn't "almost weightless" but I do like the opening description.

LONGSWORD??!?!? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least you give it special exemption for flurrying.

Wis instead of Str...good idea but uninspired.

Ki for air walk with no accompanying cool writing to help us swallow the SiaC'ness of this.

Not really a fan of the "creator must be X class".

Overall, you know already this wasn't Superstar material...and it isn't because of the longsword, or the Wis to Str, or the choice of spell for the last ability. It's because this didn't have any evocative writing to accompany those things. Read over past year's Top 32 and look for the SiaC items...those still made it because of the cool and exciting imagery. I think if you worked on that style of writing (and just a little more rules-fu) and you would have some real potential in this competition.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Mail of Ash Woven Ramparts

Long name, uptick is I definitely remember the item, downtick is because the name was so long.

Template looks good.

First descriptive sentence is serviceable. Second is oddly phrased but is cool and evocative.

A writhing maelstrom of...WHAT?! At least I know what it leaves a barrier of.

The ash traces their path...that doesn't scream barrier to me.

Their instead of a singular.

The power is phrased clunkily, but I get it...on 3rd readthrough. This could be simplified.

Hmmm....auto-causing blindness and bypassing darkvision...not sure I like that. I feel like I need a save.

I like the idea behind it not blocking movement...and I like uses of combat maneuvers...but I don't like that you force your auto-blinding effect.

I like the tracing a square to make an area of obscurity. Maybe I wuold nlike this more if you gave a miss chance instead of blinding. Or even replicated obscuring mist.

Overall, I liked this item but it had some issues and was somewhat clunkily written. I think if you worked on your technical writing abilities and focused a little more tightly you'd have a great entry.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

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Grave-Nettle

Formatting and templating issues.

The name...is alright. I like the words, I don't think I like the hyphenation.

Oooo worn and chipped...good lead in. Great intro sentence.

Cut the 3rd sentence.

Rewrite the 1st and 2nd sentences of the 2nd paragraph to flow better, something more like "This +1 human bane dagger blah blah blah"

Interesting way to give non-casters access to zombie raising. But that's a decidedly evil act, both in the killing and then desecrating a corpse and THEN raising it under your control. That is likely the biggest turn off to voters.

How do I calculate how many zombies a barbarian with this knife can control? Is their barbarian level their effective caster level?

I like that the dagger returns, but I don't like how it does automatically. A cooler way would be to have the zombie deliver it to the wielder.

Spoken commands...of the wielder? Of anyone? What if they were subject to a blindness/deafness spell just before you raised them...can they still hear?

Good little secondary power with the appearance of the onyx pommel. Doesn't do anything but adds to the fun.

Good thinking on leaving the dagger unattended, but I'd probably make it rounds instead of a day. That's a long time.

Overall, you've got a good idea going and some good writing. I think you need to tighten up your rules-fu, really think through some of the implications of your powers, and not fall into certain magical item traps (like auto-returning the weapon with no subtle reason why it would, especially since you spend so much time talking about it being unattended).

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Staff of the Vineyard

The name is great. And flavorful. And I love it.

At first glance, its a short looking item. Not necessarily bad but since this is a staff I'm looking harder at it to see you connect the dots between flavor and spells.

Wine-stained, hewn, oak wine barrel...great lead in sentence.

Nice use of goodberry.

I don't like automatic immunity to entangle spells, that locks out any druid BBEG.

And you can grant that immunity to others.

How many charges does this staff have...I know staves hold a maximum of 10 charges, but your spells on the staff total 5 charges...is that the max? I saw a lot of staves do this...is that a normal thing?

The spells make sense, but overall it is pretty lackluster. Freedom of movement (or whatever the druid equivalent is) makes more sense than entangle. Also, don't capitalize the spell names.

Overall, this was a good book of magic items staff. Nothing wrong with it per se...just not WOW Superstar quality. I think if you worked a little more on spell selection and tying that with the theme in subtle and interesting ways this staff would have been Top 32.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Item critiques on hold until I go through the maps.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Angazhan’s Bloodthirsty Spear

Title not bolded.

+1 and keen but still under 10k? Whoooo it is heavy too!

Cumulative +2 bonus to crit confirmations...that'll get pretty big, especially with the clunky "when combat ends" timer...combat can technically still be on if I keep a creature perpetually sleeped. What happens if I pierce myself, I'm always at combat with myself?

So a kind of piercing Cleave thing which is kind of cool. How often do you roll crit chance and then confirm when enemies are lined up like that though?

Odd that the description sentence is at the end. It is a bit too specific of a description, because this isn't the only one of its kind...

Missing comman in cost.

Overall, I like it well enough, but it needs some heavy editing to make it even publishable as a book-of-magic-items item.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Chrysalis Carapace

*this is my item, so I will attempt to critique it as others in all fairness*

Alliteration can be dicey.

Template seems fine, hoooo 65k for a full-plate...better be awesome.

HOLY HEAVY ARMOR! Although it is technically lighter than regular full-plate.

Reflecting is NOT an armor quality, it is a shield quality. If you were trying to break the rules in an interesting way...I don't think this is the way to do it.

Sweet smelling...are discarded cocoons sweet smelling?

Cut the 2nd sentence, or at least use a real game term such as nature portfolio

Fly (which is not original) but the visuals make up for that. Why perfect?

In what range can I force the concentration check? What kind of concentration check? Why THAT armor special quality.

Overall, you are probably pretty close with this, but your missteps took it from Superstar to needs editing.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Dirk of Treachery

Template seems fine.

I'd scratch the "appears" and just say it IS black as night.

But though the description could be cool...making something all of anything and then saying unadorned and colorless means it is actually pretty boring looking. Maybe going with something like "so black that it drains the color and light around it" would be better.

Backstory!!! Bad! I'm also of the mind that making it SO tied to Golarion isn't necessarily a good thing in R1 of this contest.

Keen dagger...kind of saw that coming.

Ok, I like the enhancement bonus increasing...makes sense thematically.

Wielder is misspelled.

Urg....GM's discretion = table arguments. I probably would have gone with attitude of friendly instead of the friend or ally.

That power also makes it more of a story plot item, as opposed to something I would want to buy and adventure with regularly.

Overall, I liked this dirk, but it fell short in the places mentioned and it ultimately pushed it down quite a bit in my voting.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

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Monastic Staff

I'm expecting a monk staff up front from the name.

Template seems good.

Ok good description, not WOW but good.

Cut the "for most".

Actually, just cut the whole 2nd sentence.

The spell list is really a monk list of wishes...a ninja could use it, but their tricks already do a good portion of this. They also aren't thematically linked other than "combat spells" or if they are then I can't really tell the theme...

I like the last paragraph overall.

Overall, I think you had a good idea, but it just fell a little flat because it is really only super useful to monks. Plus, staves were really hard to make interesting, and I think this did it ok, but not as good as the top staves.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Skewer Shield

Template seems good.

I both love and hate the slot description. Because it is cool, but why on earth would I have a slot of open space where I can get stabbed in the arm.

What if I put a longsword in there?

I like the idea you have here, but this is so oddly executed it detracted from the item.

How can I launch something with a hilt guard? Wouldn't that catch on the statically sized slot?

So I can return the weapon to its loaded position with a move action...that's...pretty strong. And odd.

Overall, I liked this for the idea, but your execution is just flawed. You could have used a couple of editing passes to tighten up this item.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Catapult Ring

I'm pretty sure I critiqued this when you were tossing up ideas privately.

The only thing I can say is that you have a habit of relying on the reader to know the rules as well as you, as evidenced by the whole falling damage, touch AC, and falling damage save comments I've seen on this already, and I even fell prey to that last year with your poltergeist knot.

Overall, I really liked this ring, really thought you'd make it to Top 32 with it. Perhaps some mentions about rules to reference in your more subtle areas would have made it so.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Living Copperthread Net

Template seems good.

I liked this net in voting, I remember it quite well.

Good lead-in sentence.

Oof. Entangled and grappled. Makes sense with the cost though.

Occupying the same square is interesting...but there's not much support for it. What happens if I attack the grappled/entangled creature while the net is on...do I hit the net too?

I think I would have started with the net standing up power first, it just reads really weird and would have been more of a natural progression.

I would have just stuck with the one minute (and maybe even shorter than that). Instead of the "target is defeated" bit.

Why does it get a +2 to slam?

Ultimate Magic should not be italicized.

Overall, I really liked this and I feel like this did really well in the voting, but you just had some small missteps and weirdness that folk wouldn't want to deal with as a GM or as a player.

RPG Superstar Season 9 Top 32 , Marathon Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9 aka theheadkase

Reviews on hold, likely until after the contest. I'll definitely be waiting until I finish the Top 16.

Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9

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Slacker -- what else could you POSSIBLY be working on :P

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