Aberzombie |
....but I am a teenager...
I'm so very sorry to hear this. I remember the halcyon days of my teenager-ness, in the oh so long ago. I shall offer you sage advice -
Work hard. Never plan too much however, because then you risk the word premeditated coming into play.
I also have made it my duty to remove the batteries of any toy she gets so I can concentrate on my stuff. So I have a desk drawer full of batteries and broken toys she has given me. Im a terrible person, I know.
This would not make you a terrible person. Just think of it as practice for being a parent. I used to take the batteries out of my kids stuff all the time. It's a moral imperative.
David M Mallon |
Work hard. Never plan too much however, because then you risk the word premeditated coming into play.
As a great sage once said, "Denny, don't plan too much, it might not come out right."
NobodysHome |
9 people marked this as a favorite. |
OK, this wasn't my *kid*, but this belongs here.
While I was getting my son's TV dinner out of the toaster oven sans mitts, he marveled that I could light my hand on fire, but the steam from the TV dinner was too much for me.
I proceeded to lecture him on the burning temperature of alcohol, pulled out the Everclear (my father stockpiled an entire case in the 1970's, and it's not like it goes bad), and proceeded to light my finger on fire for him.
Then I lit his finger on fire.
Then Impus Minor came in and wanted to see.
And all this time, the excess alcohol I'd been pouring over my and my son's fingers was dripping into the wastebasket...
...so I lit Impus Major's finger on fire...
...some burning alcohol dripped into the wastebasket...
...and we had a fun impromptu fire drill as the wastebasket went up like blazes!
At the end of it all, Impus Major quipped, "Geez, Dad! I can't believe you set the house on fire just to tell us about alcohol!"
NobodysHome |
10 people marked this as a favorite. |
Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."
The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."
No...
...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...
...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...
Readerbreeder |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...
...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...
** spoiler omitted **
Because at that point you know you need to find the kid NOW or else the next thing you hear, whatever it is, will be very unpleasant.
captain yesterday |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Aberzombie wrote:Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."
The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."
No...
...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...
...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...
** spoiler omitted **
I dunno now that my Daughter is almost 11 the one i dread to hear is "When can i start dating?" hopefully its not for a while but i know i'm deluding myself there:-)
Also any time i fail at something my son is there with a helpful laugh and an "In your face Dad!" half the time it doesn't even apply! its always well timed comedically though:-p
NobodysHome |
5 people marked this as a favorite. |
NobodysHome wrote:Because at that point you know you need to find the kid NOW or else the next thing you hear, whatever it is, will be very unpleasant....the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...
...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...
** spoiler omitted **
Oh, no... that sound has resulted in...
...my brother and I running a hose through the window and filling the entire basement to a depth of 18", then emptying EVERY spice bottle in the house into it to make "poison soup". My father sat upstairs, blissfully unaware and happy that his kids were "playing quietly".
...An older sister giving her younger brother "a haircut".
...us locking our younger brother in the garage... then forgetting about him and leaving for 6 hours...
...my friend finding a screwdriver, looking at the oven, and COMPLETELY DISASSEMBLING IT over the course of a couple of hours...
Yeah, silence is NOT Golden!
captain yesterday |
4 people marked this as a favorite. |
usually when i leave my kids alone "quietly" they're always up to Looney Tunes type shenanigans.
captain yesterday |
4 people marked this as a favorite. |
Another time i let her watch Beavis and Butthead then accidentally left my cell phone out where she could see it.
so she calls Mom at work and tells her
"Dad let me watch Beavis and Butthead while you're at work"
Mom "Really?"
"Yeah they're calling everyone Cock knockers, you should see it"
Mom "Oh, I'm sure Dad will tell me all about it when i get home"
Freehold DM |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Another time i let her watch Beavis and Butthead then accidentally left my cell phone out where she could see it.
so she calls Mom at work and tells her
"Dad let me watch Beavis and Butthead while you're at work"
Mom "Really?"
"Yeah they're calling everyone Cock knockers, you should see it"
Mom "Oh, I'm sure Dad will tell me all about it when i get home"
sold you out with nary a second thought.
Dementrius RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16 |
Dementrius RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16 |
Drejk |
2 people marked this as a favorite. |
NobodysHome wrote:I dunno now that my Daughter is almost 11 the one i dread to hear is "When can i start dating?" hopefully its not for a while but i know i'm deluding myself there:-)Aberzombie wrote:Something funny, but which also falls under the heading of "phrases parents should dread hearing...."
The Boy (from downstairs): "We have a situation."
No...
...the greatest noise that causes quaking in the most stalwart of parenting hearts...
...that sends baby-sitters screaming into that dark, dark night...
** spoiler omitted **
Uh... You expect your kids will ask for permission to date someone?!
Buhahahahaha!
Sorry... Couldn't resist...
Aberzombie |
6 people marked this as a favorite. |
Upon seeing his new Batman washcloth, the boy informed me that he would be dreaming about Batman.....and some lemonade.
Earlier, whilst he was playing at being Captain America, he kept referring to his baby sister as "little old lady". I asked him "What do we do with little old ladies?" His response: "we beat them up."
DungeonmasterCal |
20 people marked this as a favorite. |
My son was about 6 or so and went as The Grim Reaper one year for Halloween. He was not coached in what to say or how to act, but he "glided" down the hallways of the building where were going door to door and when he'd knock on the door he'd hold up a skull-shaped plastic bucket w/out saying a word. When they put candy in he'd intone "You have been spared", and then glide down to the next door. Before going out he was also concerned over what sort of shoes Death should wear.
NobodysHome |
4 people marked this as a favorite. |
This is a bit "adult" for the age range of kids we're normally talking about, but Impus Major really cracks off some amazing ones. For example, while researching "any organism" he got assigned the potato blight virus and the assignment was to list how that organism is helpful and/or harmful to mankind. So after listing various ways in which the potato blight virus is harmful, he stopped, thought for a bit, then came up with, "The potato blight virus is helpful because it kills Irishmen."
So he's 13, about to turn 14, but he's tiny (still fighting to reach 80 pounds) and acts like a kid. We never think about the fact that he's in a middle school where kids are doing their first "adult" explorations, even though he frequently comes home and talks about how foul-mouthed and "dirty-minded" many of his classmates are.
So imagine our surprise sitting around the dinner table with guests, discussing relationships and so forth, and we get:
"See? That just goes to show you once again that money can't buy you love."
Impus Major, strolling through the room, "Yeah, but it CAN buy you hookers!"
The look on my wife's face was priceless. I'm sure mine was as well.
Needless to say, our guests hit the floor laughing. I love my friends.
EDIT: I mean, I know it's been done, and I'm sure he heard it at school somewhere, but having your innocent-seeming 13-year-old who's never said anything remotely like that belt it out in front of dinner guests is something else entirely... Timing is everything!
NobodysHome |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
He should build his own theme park. With blackjack. Actually, forget the blackjack.
He did. In Minecraft. And it was as expected. "And these rides murder the guests... and these rides are fun!"
I was struck by the fact that he put "murder the guests" ahead of "fun" on his list of priorities for a theme park...
DungeonmasterCal |
3 people marked this as a favorite. |
My son again - (I only have the one child) - was playing with the adults one night when he was about 9 or 10. Granted, by now he knew about the birds and the bees but not all the terminology. Just as the BBEG fight starts, his mom calls and wants to talk to him. I tell him to hurry because we're at the climax of the game. He takes the phone and says, "Can't talk now. We're climaxing!". Cue dead silence among the players for about 2 seconds before everyone collapses in hysterics. His mom then has to explain to him what he said could mean.
NobodysHome |
Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...
I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.
I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."
She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...
Vod Canockers |
2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...
I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.
I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."
She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...
This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.
thegreenteagamer |
NobodysHome wrote:This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...
I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.
I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."
She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...
He was posting for his dad, then. Still legit!
thegreenteagamer |
1 person marked this as a favorite. |
My nephew, upon saying goodbye to my wife and I, yells across a parking lot, "I love you uncle [my real name redacted]!"
My wife (to whom he is blood related, unlike me) asks, "what about me?"
Nephew, "Oh I love you too uncle [her name]"
Her - facepalm
Me - beaming with moment of pride as I am the obvious favorite.
(That was a couple years ago, and she is now recognized as auntie, but I'm still the first one given a running excited hug upon visitation.)
NobodysHome |
Vod Canockers wrote:He was posting for his dad, then. Still legit!NobodysHome wrote:This is funny S#$& my kid says, not funny S#$& I say.Once again, not technically my *kid*, but...
I was at our corner store for one of my 3-4 times a week trips, but this time I actually used a cart and filled 3 shopping bags with various foodstuffs. The wonderful checker (the owner's wife, I believe) started asking me about my family, and was appalled to learn there were only 4 of us, since we're in the store so often.
I pointed out that Impus Major is 14, weighs 85 pounds, and eats 3000-4000 calories a day. I pointed to the bag of stuff for him (two frozen dinners, two pints of tomatoes, an avocado, and half a gallon of milk) and said, "For example, he'll eat everything in that bag as soon as he gets home this afternoon."
She cocked her eyebrow at me, so I re-looked at the bag...
...and saw the six-pack of beer at the bottom...
LOL! My dad's been dead for 6 years. Pretty creepy if he's running around posting on Paizo!
I think it was a legitimate smackdown...
thegreenteagamer |
5 people marked this as a favorite. |
This is a call back to the earlier discussion to noise making toys, etc.
As an uncle, I buy my nephews and nieces those on purpose, to get back their parents for times they snored as kids when sharing a room, followed us around insisting my friends were there's too, broke a toy, or otherwise annoyed the living crap out of me as a kid.
I wait until the kid's eyes light up with joy, present the free batteries, and the kid loves the toy so much mom or dad would be seen as a bad guy for taking it away, and then....then I whisper to mom or dad exactly what infractions lead to this particular revenge.
Being an uncle is so much better than being a parent, and that might be my favorite among dozens of reasons why.
captain yesterday |
You! YOU did this to me! It's been years since I've gotten a decent night's sleep!
C'mon kids it's time to spend the weekend at the fun uncle's house, don't forget to forget your sleeping bag, lose your sleepy time comfort animal as soon as you get there, and perhaps most importantly here's a secret stash of candy, remember wait until after you've announced you lost your toothbrush, but before he exhaustedly tries to get you to sleep :-)
the Queen's Raven |
2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I don't remember the age I was but I once asked my mom what is was like to ride dinosaurs with the cowboys and Indians. I also asked her what it was like when the dinosaurs died off. It's a wonder I am alive today. I can't wait for my daughter to start talking but she is only 11 weeks old today so... might be a bit.
thegreenteagamer |
You! YOU did this to me! It's been years since I've gotten a decent night's sleep!
C'mon kids it's time to spend the weekend at the fun uncle's house, don't forget to forget your sleeping bag, lose your sleepy time comfort animal as soon as you get there, and perhaps most importantly here's a secret stash of candy, remember wait until after you've announced you lost your toothbrush, but before he exhaustedly tries to get you to sleep :-)
Reason 2 Being an uncle > being a dad. Uncles can say no, I don't feel like watching them tonight...
Any. Time. We. Want!
And if you ever pull that, good luck getting us to babysit when you desperately need a night out. Mwahahahahaha!
captain yesterday |
2 people marked this as a favorite. |
Tiny T-Rex spilled some milk on my copy of the Absalom book and just cried and cried, i told him it was okay, no problem, etc, etc. after calming down he said "You're really not mad?" i said "No! these things happen, it's all good" he said, visibly relieved "Thats good, i thought you were gonna bust your balls!"
cleaning off the book had to wait until i could stop laughing, which took awhile:-p
captain yesterday |
I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.
Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p
Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p
i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p
Dko |
thegreenteagamer wrote:I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p
Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p
i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p
Untill they become teenagers and then hate you all the time :)
thegreenteagamer |
captain yesterday wrote:Untill they become teenagers and then hate you all the time :)thegreenteagamer wrote:I could write a whole master's thesis on the superiority of unclehood to fatherhood.Being an Uncle is okay, but i'll take the unabashed and unconditional worship and love of my own children any day of the week/year/life:-p
Its always nice to have young people around to keep you feeling young:-p
i have plenty more parenthood cliches i can go through, if you want:-p
And I already hate teenagers (have since I was one myself many a year ago), so yeah, there's that. I can write off my niece who turned sixteen for four years and check back in on her when she's gained a modicum of sanity.
Dko |
And I already hate teenagers (have since I was one myself many a year ago), so yeah, there's that. I can write off my niece who turned sixteen for four years and check back in on her when she's gained a modicum of sanity.
It's funny because I heard about a study the other day that basicaly concluded that Teenagers are technically insane.