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GM Says: The enemies are taken completely by surprise, again, for the 4th time on a row. Your tactical genius is obliterating the enemy forces.
GM Means: Ok, you have had your fun, now it is time to punish you for abusing a good thing!
GM Says: The dozen charbroiled and pureed wolves have no treasure on them.
GM Means: Stop looting everything that isn't nailed down! They are wolves for Erastils sake, and you obliterated them with your maximized fireballs and enlarged raging barbarian coup de grace! There are no pelts to harvest!
GM Says: The bandits, who have robbed a dozen caravans this month do not have any wealth on them, here, in the cave filled mountains.
GM Means: Go look for the next story hook, I mean, bandit cave filled with "Treasure".
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... I have been ... VERY busy ... Father ... yessss ...... heh heh heh heh heh ...I see you have kept busy, my son. I approve.
Good, my child! And I will give you sound advice on your path.
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Good, my child! And I will give you sound advice on your path.... I have been ... VERY busy ... Father ... yessss ...... heh heh heh heh heh ...I see you have kept busy, my son. I approve.
I always look at you, Abyss, and you never look back.
So lonely. T_T
Anyway...
DM says, "The room is large, expansive, with a gold plinth sporting a book, in the corner, but the chamber in general feels disused, with spiderwebs clinging to various surfaces. There's a thick sheet of dust over everything and the only motion you detect is a small black spider, visible against the corpse white dust, as it crawls over the book on the plinth."
DM means, "I'm being fair with you guys. When you step into the room and the spider swarms come out of everywhere, don't say you weren't warned."
DM says, "You may occasionally encounter a fiend or two in my game."
DM Means, "You're going to run into more devils, demons, daemons, demodands, kytons and everything else then a guy on LSD who decided to read Dante's Inferno after watching Hellboy."
DM says, "Man, these troop rules look neat."
DM means, "You thought normal swarms were bad? Muahahaha."
DM says, "The mercenaries surrender."
DM means, "Know that guy earlier who didn't want to spend 20 minutes on mop up of peons? I'm his evil brother, who's going to sit here and watch you deal with prisoner management."
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DM says: [rolls a die, doesn't look at it.] "You still don't find anything."
DM means: "THERE'S NOTHING HERE!! CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON ALREADY?!?"
DM says: "Make a Knowledge (local) check. The DC is 5."
DM means: "You really haven't been paying attention, have you."
DM says: "I'll send out a list of the treasure by e-mail after the session."
DM means: "There are neither quest items nor any clues for the adventure in this trove. It's just loot."
DM says: "Huh! That's an interesting theory!" (frantically scribbles notes.)
DM means: "Wow! I wish I'd thought of that! Time to re-write the plot!"
DM says: "The name of this random tavern you happened by? Um... it's the...um... Happy...uh... Hobgoblin. Yeah. The Happy Hobgoblin."
DM means: "This location is not important."
DM says: "And you chase down the fleeing orcs and kill them."
DM means: "This combat has gone on too long, so I'm hand-waving it."
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DM Says: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I don't understand this stupid oversized overcomplicated rule system as much as I'd like.
DM Says: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I am not interested in entering an arms race with people who have more time in their day to spend combing through books than I do.| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
DM say: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I hate it when my players are able to walk through my encounters even though thats the area I want to spend the least amount of time on in the session and them getting through it faster gives them more time for the roleplay we all wanted. I know, whats wrong with them right?
Player: I powergame because I don't get any enjoyment from the combat aspect of the game.
DM say: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I hate it when my players are able to walk through my encounters even though thats the area I want to spend the least amount of time on in the session and them getting through it faster gives them more time for the roleplay we all wanted. I know, whats wrong with them right?
You know, that makes a scary amount of sense. As long as folks don't get bored. Hmmm... time to run a few experiments on the combat attention span of my players...
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DM says, after having to deal with a rules argument on why a certain RAW legal, but rationally stupid combo supposedly works, "Oh? Well, lets run with that until I have time to review."
DM means, "The best method for an unjust law's repeal is to enforce it strictly. What you can do, I can do bigger, and with dragons."
DM says, "I was examining the CRB details on (Class) today."
DM means, "I'm on to you, (Class)!!"
DM says, "Roll for intimidate."
DM means, "This NPC will call for guards if you succeed."
Someone missed their sense motive check :P Up your wisdom score dude.Player: I powergame because I don't get any enjoyment from the combat aspect of the game.DM say: I hate powergamers
DM Means: I hate it when my players are able to walk through my encounters even though thats the area I want to spend the least amount of time on in the session and them getting through it faster gives them more time for the roleplay we all wanted. I know, whats wrong with them right?
The internet gives +30 to bluff checks, maybe there should be another topic for Thomas Long Says / Thomas Long Means :P
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DM says, "I was examining the CRB details on (Class) today."
DM means, "I'm on to you, (Class)!!"
This wins the thread. SOOOO true!
GM says: The man you're about to see is called Ryohaz'drabrik Master'gheinrik. He is...
GM means: I like inventing stupid, forgettable names for my NPCs, which you will forget, and annoy me with a nickname you gave him.
Shamus hit this one out of the park:
http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=854| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
GM says: The man you're about to see is called Ryohaz'drabrik Master'gheinrik. He is...
GM means: I like onventing stupid, forgettable names for my NPCs, which you will forget, and annoy me with a nickname you gave him.
I've done this as a player.
Me: "My character's name is Zenisthexiabefrostiganilambriagaothahexiomatrixica Sonofarithianiskianobactofabrikiastanikan."
GM: "... what."
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The dragon guy with that black sword was oppressing the people that lived on those hills. Then that one king with the really long beard got that one chick with the crazy hair, and she went to that one lake. Then she got corrupted by that curse thing that made her attack that group of guys we found dead. You know, the ones that had that +1 sword and the bag of holding? Once we broke her curse she told us about the dragon guy and gave us that thing. And the map. Then we found the dragon dude and kicked his ass.
I actually took Alexandrian's and Shamus' advice and started naming my NPCs something common but still from foreign countries, so..
The Dark Lord Walter, wielder of the Black Sword of choppery, was opressing the peoples of Pittsburgh. Then King George Washington enlisted the help of the Warrior Princess Rapunzel. Sadly, in the Land of Yellowstone she fell under a spell and slew the Steelers, Knights of Pittsburgh. At last the heroes freed the princess, traveled through the kingdom of Barstow, and confronted Walter in the land of Spokane.
My favorite (and my player's) is Lord Jules DeBrocke. A dandy who is extremely good with a sword. They love him. He is one of the staples of my setting.
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I always use the complex name thing to get people to adopt the nicknames or short names I like.
If a guy introduces himself as Melestrix Venique Arbitail Helsberect, and then asks his name be shortened to 'just call me Hel' the party will tend to go along with it since ironically, the huge overly complicated name they won't remember, made the guy someone they might remember.
GM says: You find no traps on this door.
GM means: There is not a freaking trap on every door!
The problem isn't that every door is trapped, it's that you don't want to run afoul of the ONE door taht is...
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DM says The tower door is large and bound with iron
DM means You can't force it open with your oversized barbarian this time
Or you just need to find a different way to use the barbarian.
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DM says The tower door is large and bound with iron
DM means You can't force it open with your oversized barbarian this time
*Looks at +6 equivalent Adamantine Earthbreaker*
You sure about that?
| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
DM says The tower door is large and bound with iron
DM means You can't force it open with your oversized barbarian this time*Looks at +6 equivalent Adamantine Earthbreaker*
You sure about that?
Alternatively...
Rogue: "I use Disable Device to take the door off its hinges." *rolls* "Ooh! Natural 20!"
DM: *bangs head against desk repeatedly*
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DM says: Wow, that's the FIFTH natural 20 on your Bluff, in a row, what an uncanny string of good fortune.
DM Means: Either those Dice are rigged, the gods of chance hate me, or I need to fix all this damage to my plot that you have ripped right through!
GM Says: I can't seem to find anything wrong with that build, at all, anywhere. It seems perfectly legal.
GM Means: Ha ha ha! Nice build, I wonder what an NPC can do with it 10 lvl's above yours?
GM says: The friendly NPCs abruptly tie you down and are immune to all your attempts to escape or reason with them.
GM means: You are going on the damn quest the NPCs just gave you, no matter how incredibly suicidal and illogical it sounds. And you'll like it.GM says: The NPC that refused your bribe immediately responds to the same bribe given by another NPC, who shows up to save your bacon... again.
GM means: I never bothered to tell you this, but you're just extras in a campaign I'm really playing with someone else, where the NPCs in your game are the PCs in mine.
HAHAHA so true so true
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DM says The tower door is large and bound with iron
DM means You can't force it open with your oversized barbarian this time*Looks at +6 equivalent Adamantine Earthbreaker*
You sure about that?
Alternatively...
Rogue: "I use Disable Device to take the door off its hinges." *rolls* "Ooh! Natural 20!"
DM: *bangs head against desk repeatedly*
A natural 20 on a skill roll does nothing special.
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DM says: You find a gold ring on the remains of the beetle.
DM means: I'm a fan of Penny Arcade.
DM says: You know he must be a wizard, he's wearing a monocle.
or
DM says: The Kobolds say "kobold!"
DM means: I'm a fan of Unforgotten Realms.
DM says: You meet the wizard(possibly cleric) Elfstar.
or
DM says: You meet the thief Blackleaf.
DM means: I read Dark Dungeons.
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A natural 20 on a skill roll does nothing special.DM says The tower door is large and bound with iron
DM means You can't force it open with your oversized barbarian this time*Looks at +6 equivalent Adamantine Earthbreaker*
You sure about that?
Alternatively...
Rogue: "I use Disable Device to take the door off its hinges." *rolls* "Ooh! Natural 20!"
DM: *bangs head against desk repeatedly*
*player rolls a natural 20 on an impossible skill check*
DM says: *bangs head against desk repeatedly*
DM means: I forgot that a natural 20 on a skill check is not an automatic success.
*player rolls a natural 20 on an impossible skill check*
DM says: *bangs head against desk repeatedly*DM means: why on earth did i decide that treating 20 as an exceptional successes and 1 as a fumble on every skill roll would be fun?
DM says: I'm going to add in more monsters to make this game harder.
DM means: Why aren't you guys to the next level yet, the more monsters the more exp. I plan on powerleveling you at all costs.
DM says: This game is going to be 25pt buy or higher
DM means: I want you to be powerful, because I'm going to mark up monsters, or I'm going to add more, or I want you to get through this game quicker.
DM says: I'm going to make you go through this dungeon quickly
DM means: I'm going to automatically make you move through rooms that have not combats and call out the rolls. I'm going to group monsters together from different rooms and make you fight them all at once to speed up the game.
DM says: I can predict the forumn rolls
DM means: I'm going to fudge the rolls in the party's favor, or against the party.
DM says "so that's the third character killed in this round of combat would you like to rethink your tactics"
DM means "you went ment to try and fight this encounter you morons"
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DM Says: Hmm... (Dice rolling)... Oh... (Dice Rolling)... Uh, Hmm (Dice Rolling some more)...
DM Implies: Crits, Crits on Crits with bonuses inside traps!
Dm Means: "Crap, what does this thing do again? I put it in here MONTHS ago, let me fiddle with the dice while I look it up so the players don't notice..."
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GM says: Has everyone read the handouts I emailed round?
GM means: No one ever reads the handouts, but now I totally get to screw you over for not doing so, bwhahahaha?
Every. Damned. Time.
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GM says: "So you're really going to challenge one of your own party members to a fight?"
GM means: "Please kill this annoying s.o.b.'s character so he'll get mad and go home."
Went through my head on a recent game night.
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GM says: "Yes, I know it's in-character for all your PC's, but are you really, really sure you want to insult the Earl in front of the court and his guards?"
GM means: "Please don't commit suicide again while wrecking my social/intrigue campaign!"
GM says: "All loot distribution is handled player side."
GM means: "I take no responsibility for the sudden, but inevitable, betrayal by the CN "mercenary" rogue PC who steals everything in the dead of night before vanishing after getting passed over for the umpteenth time when some snazzy item is found."
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GM says: "Are you sure you want to do that?"
GM means: "Please don't do that."
GM says: "Are you really sure you want to do that?"
GM means: "That's a VERY BAD idea, and I'm letting you take it back!"
GM says: *deep sigh* "Well, okay then..."
GM means: "Don't say I didn't warn you..."
GM says: "Are you sure you want to do that?"
GM means: "Please don't do that."GM says: "Are you really sure you want to do that?"
GM means: "That's a VERY BAD idea, and I'm letting you take it back!"GM says: *deep sigh* "Well, okay then..."
GM means: "Don't say I didn't warn you..."
Sometimes it's so WORTH IT though. Even when it fails horribly, you at least have the story of "That time I jumped off a cliff and tried to grapple a flying Agathion" or "That time we tried to shove a 'little girl' into a Bag of Holding and it turned out she was a gold dragon".
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Sadly both of those scenarios are ones I couldn't talk the party members in question into attempting.
But the "Just for giggles, roll your check" results after the session were suitably fail-tastic. =)
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DM says: "Your contact approaches, and says 'The red rooster crows', then awaits the counter-phrase"
DM means: "You wrote it down, right?"
or
DM means: "I didn't even make a counter-phrase, I just want to see the party babble randomly in-character for once."
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GM says: *describes encounter* they haven't noticed you yet, how do you want to proceed?
GM means: I'm an optimist. Just because you always draw weapons and slaughter anything that looks like it might have loot I still hold out a tiny hope that you one day might actually *talk* to something before killing it.
GM says: would you like a few minutes to plan?
GM means: please, for god's sake, take a few minutes to plan!
GM says: are you sure you want to play a rogue?
GM means: I'd love for you to *play* a rogue, but we both know it's going to be played like a weak, light armour fighter that you'll get bored with and killed within 3 sessions.
GM says: you answer the riddle and nothing obvious occurs
GM means: how the f$&k did you figure out my incredibly clever and obscure reference so quickly? Now I need a new gateway tactic so you don't skip half the plot.
GM says: the individual introduces himself as (generic fantasy name)
GM means: feel free to give the NPC whatever amusing or pop culture referencing nickname strikes you first.