Nine Blazing Months!


RPG Superstar™ General Discussion

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Nick Wasko wrote:
Brigg wrote:
Booklet of Harlequin Lamentations

I don't think you should capitalize gp in the cost, and I think the standard format includes "gp" in the Price section as well (correct me if I'm wrong, Anthony).

Perfectly correct, "gp" is not capitalized and should appear in both price and cost. The thing to watch for as well is there must be a space between the number and the "gp", e.g. "100 gp".

Alos ensure your number uses comma for thousands/millions separator: 1,000 and 1,000,000 etc

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Mirror of Arcing Spells

Oh dear lord, this one you should have kept for Superstar, it's a lovely little thing.

That said, there are a couple of things...

"command word" - the voting public do seem to hate command words, so make the whole activation much simpler...

"Throwing the mirror to any spot within 50 feet causes it to hover and spin in place for..."

I would probably have made a new paragraph after the description and before the first effect - people have gotten used to the first power being the second paragraph - this aids scan reading during voting and similarly scan reading at the game table.

Everything else has been pretty much covered by everyone else, I just though the above was important enough to call out.

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I'm just going to have to revisit the booklet another time. Everything I come up with for the idea is either Spell-in-a-can, Swiss-Army Knife, too complicated, or just "Not Superstar". This includes the ideas I haven't posted. But I feel in the interest of saving mine and everyone else's valuable time, I'm just going to put this one away.

I'll post something new later, when I have the time.

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"Not Superstar" is a perfectly good reason to post in the Blazing 9. This is a public thread (public to Paizo customers anyway) and anything posted here cannot go into the contest. This is a practice thread, for practice. Keep putting stuff out, the only time it costs is the time we are willing to critique.

Clark did a wonderful post on SiC and SAK being flip sides of the same coin. Creating those will help you find the sweet spot between the two. So again, please practice. If we have the time, we will share. :)

EDIT: Clark's SiaC/SKA post.

EDIT EDIT: I marked this a favorite early on. Everything favorite-ed before that was useful advice on the 'critique my item' thread. One of the posts near to this one? A comment from Neil on a 2011 item by one RPGSS hopeful. :)

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ALSO: page nine on the Blazing 9... woo hoo!

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Curaigh wrote:
Clark did a wonderful post on SiC and SAK being flip sides of the same coin. Creating those will help you find the sweet spot between the two.

It's a good, useful post. However, there's something there that I have to disagree on: In my opinion, SIAC and SAK are not the opposite ends of the same spectrum. If you put two spells in a can, you get two spells in a can. It's both a SIAC and a SAK.

They're two separate (if interlinked) continua, where one end is bad design and the other good in both cases.

"SIACness"
<-----low=good ----- moderate ----- high=bad ----->
unique effect -- spell with a twist -- spell as-is

"SAKness"
<-----low=good -------- moderate -------- high=bad ----->
focused item -- linked collection of abilities -- arbitrary collection

You can also visualize the two as a fourfold table, where SAKness is one dimension, SIACness the other. It's entirely possible to create an "arbitrary collection of unique effects", for example.

That's how I see it, anyway! (I might write a more detailed blog post about this subject, complete with examples from RPGSS...)

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The Lamentations are set aside for now until I get a little more experience with this...
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Edging on SAK with this but....
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Blast Fan
Aura moderate evocation; CL 11th
Slot none; Price 13,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This small folding fan is comprised of seven oaken spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment. The spokes have tiny, cold-iron blades on their tips and the parchment can be dyed and decorated to the crafter’s liking. It is generally holstered in a customized sheath when not in use. The fan can withdrawn from its sheath as a move action and be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

While the fan is folded, the tiny blades allow the fan to be used as a melee piercing weapon that deals 7d2 points of damage on a successful hit.

Twice per day, while the fan is unfolded, its wielder may use its power to transform any ray attack into a cone attack with a spread equal to half the distance of the ray used. This reduces the damage dice used for the attack by one step. For example, a 3rd-level Wizard casting ray of frost may use this effect to change the range to a 15-ft. cone rather than a 30 ft. ray., and the attack deals 1d2 damage to everything caught in the area.

Additionally, while unfolded, the fan provides a +2 circumstance bonus on Fortitude saves against nonlethal damage from hot weather conditions, and may be used as a melee slashing weapon that deals 7d2 points of damage on a successful attack.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Spell Focus (evocation); Cost 6,500 gp

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1 person marked this as a favorite.

OK, let's give it a look.

Template looks pretty good. You don't need lbs. to be plural if it's only 1 lb. I'd be careful with not using any spell in the requirements for Superstar. There are plenty of examples of such in the core rule book, but I think it throws voters off. My item two years ago just used a class feature and I think it took a couple knocks for that.

I think your basic description of the item is OK, but try not to use "to be" as your verb. You also typically don't need a hyphen after an -ly word (i.e. magically enhanced, not magically-enhanced). I'd also be careful with saying the parchment can be dyed and decorated to the crafter's liking. Think of your description paragraph as what you'd read to your players if they came across the item. Have one specific description -- a GM can always change it if they want. Similarly, I wouldn't give general uses/facets. It makes your description seem weaker and is almost wishy-washy.

You actually twice list that it can be used as a weapon (once when it's folded, once not). This is risky, especially for Superstar, where remember a lot of people are looking for reasons to make a quick decision. "Oh, this is a weapon. Reject!" It's not unheard of for wondrous items to be used as a weapon, but especially for Superstar, I'd be very wary of doing so. Also along these lines, 7d2 is a really odd damage. I can see where you got it, but it's kind of a pain. It means I typically have to roll d4 or d6 and do some math seven times.

Finally, in a more general critique here, but I think a really important one, you want to lead off with your most exciting abilities. I haven't finished reading it yet, but I'm assuming this fan's primary raison d'etre is not to be used as a stabbing weapon. So why tell me that first? You see a lot of people start off by listing a skill bonus or some other basic bonus to saves or attacks or what have you, and it immediately gets people off on the wrong foot. Start with something EXCITING. Then if you think it needs something else thrown in, do that afterword.

So, let's get to your primary power -- turning a ray into a cone attack. OK, that's pretty cool. I don't think it's really Superstar at this point -- we've seen other items that transform area of effects -- but it's a clever idea to play around with. You were smart to make sure to limit the range a bit, but I think it's probably still too much. Searing light, for example, has a minimum range of 150 feet. Even halved, that's still a 75-foot spread. You were smart to also reduce the damage dice, but I think it's probably still too much. Still, quibbles aside, I think this is a good design idea that shows some chops and that you're thinking about the consequences of your design choices.

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Brigg wrote:

The Lamentations are set aside for now until I get a little more experience with this...

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Edging on SAK with this but....
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Blast Fan

*caster level 11 is high, especially without any actual spell. FWIW I see no blasting in this item.

**rays usually require a touch attack, AoE usually offer a save. A touch attack against multiple targets is a huge advantage. Especially, as Jacob said, with as much area as the description allows. I might make the cone, X feet, with the option to reduce damage dice (number? dice size?) to make it bigger. Though I agree with the unnecessary complications, the smaller dice you indicated is a good design area to play around in.
***I do not think it is SAK. The blade aspect doesn't even seem to be magical & the Fort saves could nearly be mundane as well. So it is just the ray to cone conversion, that happens to also be a blade/fan. I would put both weapon effect together, especially as they do the same damage, just to cut down repetition and especially on word count.

I like the ray-to-cone ability, and I like the reduced damage aspect. Both need some work, but this is a good starting point.
Nice work :)

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Blast Fan - the name gets me - it just doesnt make me go wow - but as the king of bad naming, you can have that pinch of salt with this feedback ;

Changing the shapes of areas is a nice thing to try - it has proven successful in the past with a magic lantern I think it was.

I think my fellow cohorts in crime :P have picked out everything else, these last items of yours have definitely shown improvement! Well done!

---

I'm struggling this year - normally I have a shortlist of items for the competition by this time. Currently, I have none >.< - Probably because I am really busy writing PFS scenario proposals and sending samples of my work to Paizo and 3PP trying to get the door open...

How are the rest of you doing prep wise?

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I actually really like the ray->cone ability. It's sufficiently creative for RPGSS and is thematically very, very appropriate for a fan. Though it should really be line->cone because line and cone spells have more in common and it won't get too complicated mechanically. And I'd add a second ability the allows you to do the opposite (cone->line) when the fan is folded.

And then I'd completely remove the save bonus and that it can be used as a weapon. Keep it simple!

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That's really funny, because I thought of doing the Cone->line thing last night. ^-^

Also, I could not stop laughing when I read Jacob's comment about Searing Light being sent through this, creating a 75 ft. cone. I'm a visual thinker, so I just picture this gigantic cone of light going "BBBBWWWWWAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and obliterating everything on the battlefield.

Anyway, revision one! How does this sound?

Fan of Altered Energies
Aura moderate evocation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment. The parchment bears a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield. The fan can be withdrawn from its holster as a move action and be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

Three times per day, the wielder of this fan may use the fan’s properties to distort the power, range and area of magical energies. If the fan is in its folded position, the wielder may cast a cone spell as a 60 ft. ray attack instead. This causes the spell to target only a single target with a ranged touch attack. Due to the now-concentrated nature of the spell, all damage dice for the spell become increased by two steps (such as d4s becoming d8s). Alternatively, if the fan is unfolded, the wielder may cast any ray or line spell as a 20 ft. cone shaped burst instead. Each creature caught in the spell’s new area must make a successful Reflex save to halve the damage from the spell, as well as negate any additional effects such as becoming dazed or poisoned. Since the power of the spell is now spread out, the damage dice for the spell become decreased by one step (such as d6s becoming d4s). If the spell disintegrate is ever distorted this way, there is a 90% chance the fan will be disintegrated and destroyed by the spell.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, scorching ray; Cost 5,500 gp

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Brigg wrote:
Fan of Altered Energies

This is a neat item! The change in damage dice seems like a creative way to balance the exchange of an AoE spell to a single target spell and vice versa. How would this work for spells that do not use damage dice, such as waves of exhaustion? I think an additional line describing how those are (or are not) changed might help. Alternatively you could limit this item's use to damage-dealing spells.

The line about disintegrate is a nice touch; it gives the item character and also handicaps a potentially broken use for this item. There are a couple other spells that worry me, though (*coughcoughenervationcough*).

As for my mirror, it looks like I may have thrown out the baby with the bathwater on that one. I'll get a revision up once I've finished up a bit more of my schoolwork.

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Nice work Brigg. I agree with Nick on the non-damaging bursts needing a call out. Disintegration is a good call showing attention to detail.

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I cant think of a "line" spell, I think they are all rays but i could be wrong. You might be able to drop "any ray or line" to just "any ray".

You also have "my passive ability at being passive" :P

A quick test you can try against any item description. (see passive :P)

Can I find and eliminate these words "if, when, can, would, should, could, shall, may"? (there are other forms of passivity, but these seem to be the most common in item descriptions)

So let's look at some of your sentences, also note my subtle future proofing range change suggestion. It also keeps things simple by using the same proportion in both directions, from ray to cone and from cone to ray.

"Three times per day, the wielder of this fan may use the fan’s properties to distort the power, range and area of magical energies. If the fan...., Alternatively, if the fan..."

hmmm, there's so many passive words, a dog as passive wouldn't even wag his own tail :P - So let's eliminate a few...

"Three times per day, the wielder of the fan distorts the area and damage of ray or cone spells cast through it."

<para break>

"Casting a cone spell through a closed fan converts the cone into a ray of double the length of the cone".

Now, ray spells all target a single target and are touch attacks (I think) so the next sentence is rule repetition, so we can drop that whole sentence. Let the players and GM just use existing ray rules.

<para break> for the second use - it makes scanning at the game table much faster ;) and let's drop Alternatively, it's rubbish text that simply isn't needed, and, ohh, another if, and a may too!

"Casting a ray spell through an open fan converts the ray into a cone half the length of the ray."

I think that illustrates how eliminating passive makes things much better - a) with less words, b) stronger in impact (saying what it IS not what it might be).

As everyone says, it's a great item, so now get rid of the passivity and make it truly shine! :D

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All right. I've done what I can for now. But I have to get work started. How does this sound? There may be a typo because I kind of had to get this posted before my boss comes in. x.x
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Fan of Altered Energies
Aura moderate evocation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment. The parchment bears a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield. The fan can be withdrawn from its holster as a move action and be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies distorts the area, range, and damage of ray and cone spells cast through it.

Casting a cone spell through a folded fan converts the spell into a 60 ft. ray. Due to the now-concentrated nature of the spell, all damage dice for the spell become increased by two steps (such as d4s becoming d8s). Casting a ray spell through an open fan spreads the spell’s energy out into a 20 ft. cone shaped burst. Each creature caught in the spell’s new area must make a successful Reflex save to halve the damage from the spell, as well as negate any additional effects such as becoming dazed or poisoned. Since the power of the spell is now spread out, the damage dice for the spell become decreased by one step (such as d6s becoming d4s).

Ray spells that do not deal damage to hit points (such as ray of enfeeblement or enervation) can not be distorted through the fan. If the spell disintegrate is ever channeled through it, there is a 90% chance the fan will be disintegrated and destroyed by the spell.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, scorching ray; Cost 5,500 gp

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Yes, much much better. It's getting really hard to polish it anymore now... just found one.

"spell become increased by two steps" -> "spell increases by" (actively increasing I think reads better here - "become increased" sounds wrong when read aloud).

"convert" and "spreading out" seem blergh, let's see what we can do that might be better.... I also think "closed" fan is better than "folded" because folded could be interpreted as partially closed and not fully closed - leave no room for the twinks and rules manglers ;)

"Casting a spell through a closed fan compresses the spell effect into a 60 ft ray." - yeah, compress sounds much nice than convert and is a great foil for the change I am about to suggest for the second effect...

"Casting a ray spell through an open fan disperses the spell effect into a 20 ft. cone." (we don't need shaped burst, "cone" fully describes the effect and is a known game term in the same way that "ray" is.

Saving throw wording is usually "succeed at" with a DC, so... also "from the spell" can go as you stated at the start of the sentence that the target saving was hit by the spell's effect).

"Each creature hit by the altered spell succeeding a Reflex save (DC ##) takes half damage. A successful save negates conditions (e.g. dazed, stunned, poisoned, etc.) being placed on the target."

The last sentence on the change in spell power, the first half is kind of pointless as we know the energy is spread out from the initial cone shape alteration, so I would move the second half to immediately after the cone description, which also keeps it to a similar structure to the initial spell. Speaking of which, that first half of the second sentence for rays again can be adjusted to a single word "focusing"...

So let's see what my suggestions look like... (your para had 120 words)

"Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray, focusing the damage and increasing the spells damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.).

Casting a ray spell through an open fan disperses the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d6s become d3s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC ##) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell."

95 words ;)

Almost there.

What does "do damage" mean - it means reducing hit points...

so let's knock a few more words on the head :P

"Ray spells that do no damage (such as ray of enfeeblement or enervation) cannot be distorted through the fan"

whoa, hang on, let's go back to the that Three times per day line...

"Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies distorts the area, range, and damage of ray and cone spells cast through it." - ok, let's reword this every so slightly...

"Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies casting a damaging ray or cone spell through it distorts the spells normal area and damaging effects."

Not sure of the wording is quite right here, but the point I am getting at is you can place the limitation in this sentence and lose the whole sentence from the end, leaving just the disintegrate special case.

So your latest version was 278 words in my word count. With all the cuts suggested above, we lose nothing and ... hang on...

That intro, wow, how many sentences. One of them is definitely a Templat Fu sentence. I don't need to know about opening or closing the fan, so let's change things a little here. Drop that whole sentence and change "Three times a day, "... "Three times a day, as a swift action, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies casts a damaging ray or cone spell through it distorting the spells normal effects as follows:"...

Now, retrieving or changing a weapon is normally a move action unless a feat is used to speed the process up (Quick Draw?), so we don't need to mention that in the same way that any other magical item that is not normally in hand doesn't bother telling you about the move action, so we can drop that too.

Phew, so my revised version of your description now looks like this...

This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment bearing a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield.

Three times a day, as a swift action, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies casts a damaging ray or cone spell through it distorting the spells normal effects as follows:

Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray, focusing the damage and increasing the spells damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.).

Casting a ray spell through an open fan disperses the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d6s become d3s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC ##) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell.

Casting disintegrate through the fan has a 90% chance of destroying the fan.

I paste that into your top and bottom template and the whole item using these revisions comes in at 213 words.

Nice! Please bear in mind that last year, the voting public after the first few days were complaining about 300 word items, now this version is no where near that - at 278 it may have suffered from voting fatigue, at 213 it is a lot less likely to suffer from that! ;)

Don't forget to work out the DC where the ## is in my example, you still need that even in your version.

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Anthony Adam wrote:
I cant think of a "line" spell, I think they are all rays but i could be wrong. You might be able to drop "any ray or line" to just "any ray".

The most iconic line spell of all time: lightning bolt!

Area 120-ft. line

Though I'm not sure if there are a lot of other line spells. It's more common in breath weapons.

EDIT: I checked... according to the SRD there are only six line spells in PF. :D

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Cool, so we do need the line bits then - I was working from memory, so at 52, I think I can be excused that one :P

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Adding the line back in, I will use my version to allow the item writer to adjust his own appropriately...

This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment bearing a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield.

Three times a day, as a swift action, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies casts a damaging ray, line, or cone spell through it distorting the spell's normal effects as follows:

Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray, focusing the damage and increasing the spells damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.).

Casting a ray or line spell through an open fan disperses the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d6s become d3s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC ##) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell.

Casting disintegrate through the fan has a 90% chance of destroying the fan.

total add = 3 words, bringing my version total to 216 :D

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As an aside, * blame Mikko * imagine allowing it to affect breath weapons and giving it to a dragon as part of it's hoard :P

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Anthony Adam wrote:

Three times a day, as a swift action, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies casts a damaging ray, line, or cone spell through it distorting the spell's normal effects as follows:

I'm interpreting this as being able to cast the spell as if it had Quicken Spell...which would make this item bananas.

Also, I'm going to try one little addition at the end, I'll gladly drop it if it's too much.

Once again, thank you all so much for your feedback, critique, and honesty on these. It's helping me a lot because I was initially very intimidated by the RPGSS contest. Reading through some of the previous year's entries is pretty humbling, but a little scary.

Anyway, Revision 4: 236 words.

Fan of Altered Energies
Aura moderate evocation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment bearing a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield. The fan can be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies distorts the area, range, and damage of a damaging ray, line, or cone spell cast through it.

Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray. This focuses the spell’s power, increasing the spell’s damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.)

Casting a ray or line spell through an open fan spreads the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d8s become d4s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC 18) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell. A disintegrate spell distorted this way has a 90% chance of destroying the fan.

If the fan is used as an improvised weapon, it deals 1d6 damage and counts as a silver weapon for all purposes.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, scorching ray; Cost 5,500 gp

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Wow, that is looking very, very nice now. Well done.

But you added something new :P - which is a whole new piece of feedback - evil grin.

That last line, you added about using it as a weapon, so would that be bludgeoning damage perhaps?

Double check the equipment tables and guidebooks, if there are hand held fans in there, check you aren't changing the existing damage amounts or types. (My books aren't to hand right now, so I can't check.)

The common term of phrase when referring to damage in a description is to use the term "points of {type} damage" - I know it saves two words by just saying "damage" but if you use the standard Paizo phrasing, the judges, whoever they are, will view your item as being clean and in need of little editing ;) - and with the word saving we have done today, you have plenty of spare to fix that :P

So, change that "1d6 damage" to "1d6 point of bludgeoning damage" - or piercing if you intend to say the damage comes from the metal spikes maybe? I have assumed using it closed like a small club rather than open to jam the spikes into the target. :) Alternatively, if you can find it on a core equipment list, simply say, it can be used as a standard fan and let the players look it up.

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Also, when you do pare down the word count like we did today, try to avoid "adding one more thing" as that way leads to swiss army knife down-voting.

I know it is hard to stop when you have room for more, but that's one of the things I am having to learn, stopping when it's done and walking away.

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I think this is it. I'll still take critiques and advice on this. But I'm going to let this one sit for a day or three before presenting my next test item.

Thank you all for the feedback.

Fan of Altered Energies
Aura moderate evocation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment bearing a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield. The fan can be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies distorts the area, range, and damage of a damaging ray, line, or cone spell cast through it.

Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray. This focuses the spell’s power, increasing the spell’s damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.)

Casting a ray or line spell through an open fan spreads the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d8s become d4s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC 18) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell. A disintegrate spell distorted this way has a 90% chance of destroying the fan.

If the fan is used as an improvised weapon, it deals bludgeoning damage as a club of its size and counts as a silver weapon for all purposes.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, scorching ray; Cost 5,500 gp

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If the fan is used as an improvised weapon, it deals bludgeoning damage as a club of its size and counts as a silver weapon for all purposes.

could be

The fan counts as a small silver [weapon]club if used as an improvised weapon.

Though I think you can find a more accurate weapon to approximate.

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In my humble opinion, the added benefit of using it as a weapon doesn't actually add to the item but rather, it detracts from it. The fan is a really cool item and doesn't need that extra line. But, YMMV. :)

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Mikko, I understand your viewpoint.

From what I gather, any item in the game can be used as an improvised weapon. I feel it's part of why the "Catch Off-Guard" feat even exists. But 99% of the time, an improvised weapon does not have any special properties to it (Cold-Iron, Silver, Good, etc.)

The purpose of adding that line isn't to encourage people to use it as a weapon, but to put out there that is has that property in the off-chance you're caught without a silver weapon. It still incurs the -4 penalty to the attack roll, but it's there as an option.

But at the end of the day, you're right. There's a very slim chance that such a property would fly in RPGSS as not every player is a fan (no pun intended) of properties or items that apply only in very few situations. Kind of like "Sovereign Glue".

So, in summation:

Fan of Altered Energies
Aura moderate evocation; CL 8th
Slot none; Price 11,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This small, folding courtier’s fan is comprised of seven silver spokes adhered to a piece of magically-enhanced parchment bearing a harrowing image of the desolate, blasted landscape of an ancient battlefield. The fan can be folded or unfolded as a swift action.

Three times per day, the wielder of a Fan of Altered Energies distorts the area, range, and damage of a damaging ray, line, or cone spell cast through it.

Casting a cone spell through a closed fan compresses the spell's effect into a 60 ft. ray. This focuses the spell’s power, increasing the spell’s damage dice by two steps (e.g. d3s to d6s, d4s to d8s, etc.)

Casting a ray or line spell through an open fan spreads the spell’s effect into a 20 ft. cone, reducing the spell's damage dice by two steps (e.g. d8s become d4s, etc.). Targets in the cone who succeed a Reflex save (DC 18) take half damage and do not gain any conditions (e.g. dazed, poisoned, stunned) normally gained from the spell. A disintegrate spell distorted this way has a 90% chance of destroying the fan.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, burning hands, scorching ray; Cost 5,500 gp

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Nice work.

Sorry about all the revisions and wording changes, I took the opportunity to practice improving my brevity at the same time as feeding back ;)

My muse still hasn't returned, I have no item(s) set aside for possible Superstar use still - maybe my holiday in 5 weeks will inspire me - fingers crossed.

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Nah, dude. It's fine. I'm far too verbose and passive in my writing style, and I have a penchant for over-explaining things from time to time. Sometimes I need that kick in the pants that says, "That's too much".

The item I'm creating for the contest is coming together very nicely with help from you guys. Not gonna say what it is, though. <.<

I'll post my next item on lunch.

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I decided to try and challenge myself to make an item in under 200 words...
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Feymorph Choker
Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot neck; Price 13,000 Weight -.
Description
This silver choker is adorned with twelve removable, pea-sized pink and lavender gemstones that glow with a pleasant, sparkling radiance. The charm dangling in front bears the silhouette of a tiny fairie in flight.

Twice per day, as a standard action, the choker’s bearer taps into its power, causing a pair of glowing fairie wings to appear on her back that provide a flight speed of 40 ft. (good maneuverability) and granting her the fey-touched template. Any allies within 300 feet whom are carrying any of the gemstones from the choker are also affected in the same way by the item’s activation. This effect lasts for 10 minutes.

Allies may choose to resist the choker’s effects by simply dropping the stone they are carrying. Releasing the stone causes it to disappear from sight and reappear back on the choker.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self; Cost 6,500

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Again, I think you're on the right track.

Name's solid. Doesn't wow me, but doesn't turn me off either. I expect something that will involve transforming and fey, and that's what I get.

Your description's solid. Try to avoid using forms of "to be" though as your verb. In this case, I'd write "Adorned with twelve removable, pea-sized pink and lavender gemstones, this silver choker glows with a pleasant sparkling radiance." (Of course, I'd then question whether radiance can be pleasant and probably rewrite it again to be something like "Adorned with twelve pea-sized gemstones, this silver choker sparkles with a pink and lavender glow.") :)

Power seems good enough. For Superstar purposes (and again, items for the practice thread are almost by definition not Superstar, since you don't want to "waste" them), I'd probably argue it's a little bit monster-in-a-can. You're basically just making someone get a monster template here.

My quibbles in this case:
* You don't need a period after the weight if you're just using a dash. Of course, I think a silver choker might be more like a 1/2 lb. or even 1 lb., though I can't imagine anyone making a decision based on that. Just checked, and there are no chokers in UE to compare weights with... A necklace of fireballs is 1 lb. and a string of prayer beads is 1/2 lb., though.

* I feel like it's a little too much. You can do this twice a day or up to 12 people. I think my gut feeling would be make it a consumable. Once the gemstone is removed, it's gone. Make it a little bit more of a resource. Otherwise, it's just a little too often you can use it (and since most groups are only 4-6 people, having a dozen of them means you can give this to everyone in your group and any NPCs/mounts for both times you use it).

* Finally, and this is my biggest issue, which might make me decide to vote against this, is the pricing is WAY off. Pricing's not an art, but having it be too much or too little will affect you. Winged boots let one person fly for a total of 15 minutes per day for 16,000 gp. This is 13,000 gp and can let up to a dozen people (or actually 13, since it seems like it can affect the person wearing the choker and someone holding all dozen of the gemstones) for 20 minutes a day. That's just way off.

I think part of your problem is you didn't choose the best spell. I can't remember if there's a faerie form type of spell like there is for a lot of others types, but if so, I'd look there first. Alter self just doesn't quite cover it IMO. Or may alter self and fly would do it.

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Brigg wrote:


Feymorph Choker

*fairY (-ie is for the plural)

**"...causing a pair of glowing fairie wings to appear on her back..." this is good and evocative imagery. What follows is MiaC, especially with the template.
***I found a fey creature, but not a fey-touched template. Is there a difference? If not, this is even more OP than Jacob (correctly) suggested. Consider the CL of 12. Every fey creature with 12 HD gets 7 SLAs including feeblemind. And then there are the resistances and DR 10, plus they can get SR, vanish, change shape as special abilities. I hope the fey-touched does exist, and just isn't in the PRD. :)

Nice job on the test, was it hard to stay under 200? Personally there are too many adjectives in the first sentence, but that is just my opinion. :)

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Everyone pretty much has it covered but that last sentence is nagging me...

"Releasing the stone causes it to disappear from sight and reappear back on the choker."

basically releasing the stone causes it to reattach to the choker, so ... it doesn't really disappear from sight if you can see the choker :P

So keeping it as tight as possible for sub 200, you could simply have said,

"Stones leap back onto the choker when released." - this is also better because you don't ask yourself whether blink or teleport is needed in the construction to account for the stone vanishing and reappearing on the choker.

It is very minor in this case and not world shattering / rule breaking in any way and so isn't much of an issue but always be aware that visuals sometimes need to be accounted for.

And one very final subtle one, in the UK, a choker is a collar you put on dogs so that dogs that pull when on a lead learn not to pull - it constricts when they pull and loosens when they keep pace with their owner. So in my mind, I am wearing something designed to choke me, hmmmm, maybe not. >.< - be careful of things like that ;)

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The spelling of fairy vs faerie may be a regional thing; at least some online dictionaries I checked seem to suggest both are singular forms, and the plural of faerie is faeries.

As for the template, that's a 3pp template. You have to be careful when you use d20pfsrd, sometimes it's really hard to notice what content is Paizo and what is 3pp. Items that give you a monster template are not recommended, anyway. ("Monster in a can")

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I checked dictionaries to make sure I wasn't pulling a Quail. Paizo wants American spelling of words, but I presume ie v. y are probably both American spelling. Any suggestions which way to go on enduring like this?

I dinnae think to check D20pfsrd. For copyright reasons I avoid anything not PRD except for a bit of flavor.

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In the uk - fairy is singular, faerie refers to groups if that helps at all.

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Thank you guys. Sorry it took all weekend; internet at home still sucking.

I've done what I could for before my shift starts so...
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Feymorph Choker
Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot neck; Price 13,000 Weight -
Description
Adorned with six pea-sized gemstones, this silver choker sparkles with a pink and lavender glow. The charm dangling in front bears the silhouette of a tiny fairy in flight.

Once per day, as a standard action, the choker’s bearer taps into its power, causing a pair of glowing fairy wings to appear on her back that provide a flight speed of 40 ft. (good maneuverability) and granting her the fey creature template. Any allies within 300 feet whom are carrying any of the gemstones from the choker are also affected in the same way by the item’s activation. This effect lasts for 10 minutes.

Any of the gemstones that were removed at the time of activation or during the effect’s duration lose their glow and become inert. Although, any ally carrying a stone may refuse the effects of the choker’s activation, allowing the stone to keep its power.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, alter self; Cost 6,500

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"Whom" should be "who".

The intro is really good. (If a bit too fairy-like for me, personally :P )

As for the main effect, I like it that you can grant the effect to allies - at a price. That's the most creative part of the item. However, a template + flight isn't very exciting, I'm afraid. Using a template is comparable to just using a spell (Monster in a can vs spell in a can) and flight without any twist is pretty basic, too.

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I suppose with the 100+ words I can work with at this point, I can spice it up a bit more without going bananas. I'll have to get it on my lunch break, though. >.>

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209 Words. Back to work for me!
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Feymorph Choker
Aura strong transmutation; CL 12th
Slot neck; Price 21,000 Weight -
Description
Adorned with six pea-sized gemstones, this silver choker sparkles with a pink and lavender glow. The charm dangling in front bears the silhouette of a tiny fairy in flight.

Once per day, as a standard action, the choker’s bearer taps into its power, causing a pair of glowing fairy wings to appear on her back that provide a flight speed of 40 ft. (good maneuverability) and granting her the fey creature template. Any allies within 300 feet who are carrying any of the gemstones from the choker are also affected in the same way by the item’s activation. If the bearer of the choker is able to cast arcane spells, she may choose to cast up to three illusion or enchantment spells she has learned or prepared as spell-like abilities during this effect’s duration. These effects last for 10 minutes.

Any of the gemstones that were removed at the time of activation or during the effect’s duration lose their glow and become inert. Although, any ally carrying a stone may refuse the effects of the choker’s activation, allowing the stone to keep its power.

Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, polymorph; Cost 10,500 gp

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The three SLAs for arcane casters is a nice touch. Well done :)

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These three were intended for Wayfinder, but I did not get them to the requisite minimum word count in time (a lot of that this summer :(. As such they have a lot more backstory/lore than any RPGSS entry would, but let me know what you think.

Fireward Scarab, Buckler
Aura moderate abjuration; CL 6th
Slot shield; Price 22,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
Red-gold and a rich cerulean blue form the back of stylized scarab. When worn, the scarab’s wings can be opened turning the buckler into a light shield for up to six rounds a day.

The fireward scarab acts as a +2 fire resistance shield except that it can also offer protection to the wearer’s allies. When an area spell or effect targets the wearer with energy damage the wearer may activate the shield as an immediate action. Scarab wings of red force extend from the shield creating an area free from the energy attack in a 15 foot cone. The wings absorb the first five points of energy damage from anyone in the cone. The cone starts in the wearer’s space and extends away from the effect’s origin. If the energy attack is fire energy, the cone is instead 30 feet. Using the scarab wings extinguishes the fire resistance of the shield until the next dawn though it retains its all other bonuses.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, Selective Spell, resilient sphere , resist energy; Cost 11,000 gp

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Ring of the Sun’s Chariot
Aura moderate divination and evocation; CL 6th
Slot ring; Price 10,000 gp; Weight
Description
Flames carved of gold cover this ring except for a flaming wheel. The wheel slowly circles the ring, following the path the sun no matter which way the ring is turned.

Activating the ring turns the flaming wheel backward a short distance allowing the wearer to ready an action. The wearer can declare a readied action against any action that has happened since her last turn.

Activating the ring is an immediate action but uses the wearer’s standard action for the round and she is considered flatfooted until the beginning of her next turn. She must move before activating the ring if it is necessary to complete the readied action, (such as getting in range for a counterspell). The readied action cannot make the triggering action illegal (such as adding difficult terrain along a charge), though it may prevent it in the usual way (such as forcing a concentration check for damage dealt while casting).
Construction
Requirements Forge Ring, contingent action, divination; Cost 5,000 gp

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Khopesh of the Khopesh
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 15,000 gp; Weight 5 lbs.
Description
The red-gold hues of sunset reflect off the blade of this finely crafted weapon. Its handle holds a large diamond and three red rubies. The rubies functions as eyes for the winged scarab of Osirion and the diamond as its rising sun.

Each of these items functions as a +1 bane (human) weapon. The unique abilities of the weapon function when the wielder is struck down by the weapon’s designated enemy. When slain, the weapon sends a message to the nearest Risen Guard up to nine miles away. The message gives the guard a mental picture of the location and creature that slew the wielder. The target of the message may discern the direction and distance to the weapon at the time of the message. If the weapon and the slain are kept together, a caster can raise the dead up to a number of days after death equal to twice his caster level. The pommel’s diamond counts as the material component of a raise dead spell and there is a 10% chance the slain suffers one negative level instead of the usual two. The diamond may only be used once per year in this manner, renewing at dawn on the Osirian day of the dead.

The current leader of the Risen Guard gives the weapon its name, but in truth any weapon can be crafted with this magic. Similarly the bane property may designate elementals, gnolls, or other creatures of the desert. A non-human targeting khopesh of the khopesh always targets an enemy of Osirion, as designated by the Ruby Prince.
Construction
Requirements Craft Magic Arms and Armor, raise dead, summon monster I, whispering wind, a diamond worth 5,000 gp; Cost 7,500 gp

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Ohhh, feels like I haven't reviewed a Curaigh design in ages... tagging for now, time to start reading :P

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Wow! I get to see professionals at work!

I do apologize for never getting around to commenting on Nick's Mirror. But I do feel that I can't quite give professional feedback on this just yet. Maybe I should sit back and watch for a little bit. I'm getting a bit too excited because this is all new for me. ^.^

I went back over the last two pages in this topic and notice that I just swept in and was all like "SUDDENLY...ITEMS!!!"

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Have a go at feedback - it's an excellent learning tool - you have to study the items in depth to feedback on them. Try every opportunity you get!

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Ok, Curaigh, first one - Fireward Scarab, Buckler, no punches pulled, brace yourself...

My first bone is the slot - is "shield" a recognized slot? Sorry it isn't - and wrist slot on the link actually lists buckler :P

I think a scarab beetle has wing plates that open when the wings are displayed for flight, so the description of the wings forming the enlarged light shield didn't quite sit right. Change the wings to "wing plates" and that would fix that as it brings to mind two half circular chitinous plates forming the bigger shield. However, if you stick with wings, you maybe have a....

Missed opportunity! The wings would be semi translucent, so you could have ended up with a translucent shield that distorts gaze attacks to being harmless when looking through the shield at an opponent with a gaze attack. This would be secondary to the main energy protection.

Back to your text...

I would move the 30 foot extension to just after the 15 foot and drop the first energy from the line starting "If the energy attack if fire energy..." as we know its an energy attack if the source is fire energy :P

I would probably reword it slightly to use phrasing of the form "The shield protects you or allies within 15 feet (30 feet if the source of the attack is fire based) from energy based attacks by emitting wings of red force that deflect the energy from the attack harmlessly away from the intended target."

I would put all of that before the boring +2 fire resistance - this is the cool power so it should be first, not a (boring) +2 bonus and you should know this by now, grrrrr!

I would probably drop the Selective Spell feat - I know what you were reaching for but I think it's superfluous - the magic is self explanatory, resilient sphere explains the reaching wings for allies and the core is explained by the resist energy spell.

Lol, hope I wasn't too brutal on that one!

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All right, I'll give critiquing a try. ^_^

Curaigh wrote:
Ring of the Sun's Chariot

When I see items like this, I immediately go into, "I must find fun and practical ways to use this!" mode. An item like this would seem like a tremendous amount of fun for your typical support caster/trickster. I would totally use something like this! ^_^

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Noticed: "Following the path of the sun." However...

"A bright, burning wheel slowly circles this ring of carved golden images of flames. This wheel follows the path of the sun no matter the position it faces." - Three fewer words, probably sounds a little cleaner.
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Something seems a little bananas about this, though. If I spend two move actions on my turn and no standard action, can I still use the ring as an immediate action since I didn't use a standard action?

I think, "Ooh! I can double-move, then use the ring to sneak in a standard action! Action Economy for dayyysss!!!"
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Which also brings to attention, how often can I do this?
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I DO like the balance of making the wearer Flat-footed until their next turn. But the way this is worded, I can just use the ring just before my turn comes up since I can use it against "Any action that happened since my last turn". This, in essence, makes that drawback a non-issue.
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Something is just pecking at me to recommend a little more elaboration on the schematics that go into the functionality of this item. Yes, it's more words. But something that more or less cheats time needs that level of explanation.
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If I'm out of line with anything I say in critique, please let me know. I don't critique often because I tend to be really soft with people. I'm trying to get better and more honest with critiquing things in general.

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Brigg wrote:

When I see items like this, I immediately go into, "I must find fun and practical ways to use this!" mode. An item like this would seem like a tremendous amount of fun for your typical support caster/trickster. I would totally use something like this! ^_^

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A) this is the kind of critique I want to hear. This is partly what 'mojo' in RPGSS refers to. At the very least I know I am grabbing a reader's attention which is/should be a writer's first goal. Until a dozen critiques all say the same thing, I don't presume I succeeded, but I am on the right track.

Brigg wrote:
If I'm out of line with anything I say in critique, please let me know. I don't critique often because I tend to be really soft with people. I'm trying to get better and more honest with critiquing things in general.

You are not out of line as long as you critique the item and the writing. If you were to accuse me of hating kittens, then you would be out of line. As a voter you do have some say on what passes in RPGSS so I think of it as wine tasting. You don't have to be a pro, you just have to know what you like or don't.

The stuff in the middle that I didn't quote is spot on. So you are selling your critique stuff short. :) Well spotted & thank you.

At AA: I went off the darkwood buckler for slot. Such an item entry will need better double checking I guess. As for the wings-covers: I was trying to find the right word. Elytra is the word I originally had, but I dinnae think it is reader-friendly. When someone uses it in a sentence, I would know what they mean, but I personally can only remember Elytra starts with an el... (and sounds like electra). I guess it is my version of the runcible spoon. :)

At all: what word do you use to describe that part of the beetle's shell that opens to allow the wings out? rhetorical-though I will ask the critiquer's of my entry to be on the lookout for it :)

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Curaigh wrote:


At AA: I went off the darkwood buckler for slot.

Hah! So magical armor ignores the slots list, dear, dear, dear, tut tut - there you go everyone, even Paizo gets it wrong! There's hope for us all yet ;)

And be warned all you potential finalists, if I review Top 32 items again this year - Template Fu goes by the slot list! :P

Oddly though, this is a very late night catch, the buckler you link is half the weight of your one. There was a post in the superstar forums about maintaining consistency in weight of items, I think it was for boots at the time, but you might want to halve your weight to match the other listed buckler for consistency :)

I have looked through the second item and I think Brigg covered it all (very good feedback Brigg, btw), my only worry on top was, if the flaming wheel is real flames as opposed to being carved gold like the ring, I might have trouble storing it without my backpack catching fire, and I would be hesitant to move it back slightly for fear of burning my hand. Very minor and easily fixable :D

I'll have an in-depth look at the last one in the morning, I'm getting tired now so sleepies time for me, night all.

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