Long while off the board, but I wanted to keep things going! Here is an item inspired by my recent bout of an agonizing virus:
Vial of Relief
Aura faint conjuration [healing]; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 800 gp; Weight —
Description
This small blue capsule has no distinctive visual characteristics, but the hand holding it feels no pain or discomfort so long as it grasps the pill.
A creature can swallow the pill as a standard action. Once taken, the user gains 4 points that can be used to temporarily offset penalties caused by curses, diseases, poisons, spell effects, supernatural abilities, and extraordinary abilities. Each of these points can be used to offset penalties to any of the following: ability rolls, attack rolls, damage rolls, skill checks, or saving throws. The user decides where these points are allotted: for example, a user who suffers a curse that imposes a -4 penalty on all attack rolls, saving throws, ability checks, and skill checks can use the vial to offset one of the penalties in its entirety, to offset 1 point of the penalty to each category, or to otherwise reduce the penalties in any combination he desires. All four points must be assigned when the pill is consumed; the user cannot gain bonuses from using this item, and unspent points are wasted. These penalty reductions last for 1 hour.
While under the effect of the item, the user is immune to the sickened condition. If the user is nauseated, however, there is a 25% chance per round that the nausea persists that the item’s effect ends that round, as the medicine is purged from the user’s body. If a user takes more than a single pill in one day, he takes 1d4 points of Constitution damage from shock to his system; penalties from this damage cannot be lessened by the item’s effect.
Construction Craft Wondrous Item, delay poison, remove curse, remove disease; Cost 400 gp
Let me know what you think!
You're missing the Requirements line, but other than that, I like it.
My biggest problem is probably the name. Calling it a vial makes me think it's a container, but then it turns out to be more of a pill.
I think the last two caveats -- especially the nausea one -- are fun and thematic.
For Superstar, I would probably give the pill some distinctive visual characteristics to maximize your chances, but that's more quibbling/just general advice.
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
Vial of Relief
Vial =/= pill. After reading the name, realizing that it was a pill was somewhat jarring. "No distinctive visual characteristics" is just another way to say "nondescript", which in my opinion is never a good idea in RPGSS. While mojo, of course, is the most important element, cool visuals are very important too.
I have to admit I had to read the part about points several times. I think it's unnecessarily complex for what it does. You've effectively created a new rules subsystem that the player has to learn to use this item. Whenever you have to use the phrase "For example..." it's worth considering whether the item is too complex.
Lastly, I think it's slightly odd that when you swallow the pill you get to decide what it does to you. One of the defining features of real-world pills is that they're easy to use and involve little decision-making, just follow the doctor's instructions. So the pill analogy doesn't work for me. If you had several pills to choose from, it'd make more sense. Or a bottle with three necks - drink from neck A, you get this effect, drink from B, you get a different one. Or a command word you have to utter; the pill changes its color, then you swallow it. In other words, I think it needs a "user interface" of some kind that allows you to make the choice.
In summary, I think the item is mechanically far too complex for what it does and should have more pizzazz.
I hope that helps. :-)
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
Sorry it has been so long. Life got very busy. I will have another item of my own in the next few days.
Take Care,
Kerney
Spell Thrower
Use American center rather than British center, even if you are a Brit.
No spells (I don’t think?) channel energy.
Construction requirements: Shouldn’t channel energy be one such requirement?
Dizzying, pulsating, brilliantly .…..laying on the adjectives a little thick. Look at my last one which probably doesn’t have enough adjectives. Find a happy medium.
Looks like the only cast who can use this is a cleric, though it’s not very clear, which gets to the point. The idea isn’t very clear, so much that it was hard to figure out what you were trying to a achieve. Words like ‘fluoresces’ made ask is this a word being used in the right context?
From what I can guess, you are trying to bee too expressive at the expense of clarity. I would work on my clarity first, then make the language pretty.
This is a practice thread. Take your time, practice.
Vial of Relief
Pill rather than vial.
It suffered from me channeling “Plop Plop fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is” and almost dismissing it as a joke item, something I very well might do after voting 20 times in a regular contest. If I might do it, someone else will. Find a non-pill form and think whether the item might cause some reaction based off RW associations.
As for the ability and the drawback, I like it. I would love to see what the requirements are.
|
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
Vial of Relief
...
It suffered from me channeling “Plop Plop fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is” and almost dismissing it as a joke item, something I very well might do after voting 20 times in a regular contest. If I might do it, someone else will.
Same reaction here, I just forgot to mention it in my review above. Some words are just... unfortunate. It's good to have someone particularly dirty-minded proofread your entries. If they cannot think of anything that will turn the whole thing into a joke, no-one can. :)
Thought you might like to see my final (? - lol) version of my spell thrower...
It's still on the long side (277 words), but I think the holes have been plugged quite nicely ;P
Enjoy.
Spell Thrower
Aura faint abjuration; CL 5th
Slot hands; Price 4,500 gp; Weight —
Description
This glove, made from woven spider silk, is so pure and brilliantly white that it emanates a subtle nimbus.
Placing the glove onto a written spell such as a scroll causes the symbols to animate, each leaping from page to glove, racing around and down the fingers, curling inwards to the center of the palm where they merge into a pulsating ink ball. One ball may be created and held at any one time, lasting as long as it is held. If dropped, it melts harmlessly into a small puddle of ink.
Throwing the ball as a ranged attack releases the originating spell’s energies against the target on a successful hit. The ball splatters as an ink blot at the end of its flight regardless of whether the attack was a hit or a miss.
The ball inflicts 1d6 points of damage per spell level. If the original spell inflicts damage that has a damage type, the damage dealt by the ball is of that same type, otherwise the damage has no type. Should the original spell deal positive or negative energy, the damage of the ball is treated as an energy source of the same type, however, positive energy will never harm the target, instead healing it for 1d6 points of healing per spell level.
If an appropriate caster of the same level as the character attempting to use the glove is unable to cast the target spell, then the symbols remain inert and the user cannot scoop them from the page.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, explosive runes; Cost 2,250 gp
hmmm... so many deadlines in July and now... none until September!
Time to catch up.
Unfolding Ladder
*great visuals. I used to annoy the h#!! out of my dad for playing with his extend a ruler in this way. Those things are EXPENSIVE (now their collectables, but so are most of my toys from the same time.)
**the wording a little clunky on its unfolding, mostly the long sentence that includes no right or left turns. 'Vanishing into back into nonexistence' is a little redundant.
**five full round actions to get it fully operational (good thing no one out there is practicing on womprats in beggars canyon...)
***Good thinking on a few other uses for the item, and mechanically your wording is spot on for traversing the sections with an acrobatics check. Nice work.
Vial of Relief
*visuals could be stronger
**agree this is overly complicated. This lends to a repeat use of words as well (meaning wordcount could be dropped). I think what you want it to do is removes up to -4 penalty. This can be distributed in +1 bonus increments, but maybe I am wrong on my reading.
***nice touch with the con drain for overuse, and the immune to sickness. Ties in well enough to avoid SAK. :)
Spell Thrower
Looks balanced, and well thought out.
*Does the scroll disappear? Do the gloves?
*is that passive voice in the grabber sentence ;)
**I am trading a 3rd level spell (say 5d6 fireball) for 3d6 fire spell which requires a ranged attack?
***ink imagery is strong, I thought the silk was the part being thrown, but the ink glob is kind of cool in a Nikelodeon sort of way :) And I am sure Saka would have loved something like this if he could borrow someone else's airbending.
Also, here are my long-overdue revisions of the last two items I posted. Enjoy!
Woundstitching Tattoo
Steelstitching Needle
Woundstitching Tattoo
*The visuals are weak to me. Tattoos aren't woven though I am sure you meant woven-knotwork. Also the 'remains intact' is a stretch, if my arm gets chopped off does the tattoo hover by my shoulder or does it fall with my arm.**Fast healing works mechanically, though I wondered for how long. Doing the math I see it is 20 rounds, but avoid making the players & GMs do the math. Fast healing might be SiaC, but not enough to always get a downvote from me :)
***I would like the healed wound to resemble the knotwork tattoo. Eventually my barbarian will be covered in knotwork scars!
Nice use of tattoos, especially magic ones. upvote 50/50.
Steelstitching Needle
The visuals work for me, except for the if removed part, but I like the flavor it imparts.
*if the thread is removable can it be sundered? disarmed? Is it then visible at the casual glance? If not, is it might just be flavor one sees after defeating the golem (like a lycanthrope's death)?
**CL 1 seems too low for any craft golem ability. Technically it works, but craft golem could be a potential requirement, which is too low.
***If a character killed a construct she likely met whatever circumstance that caused it to attack. If she brings it to 1 hp wouldn't those circumstances still be met and hence it would begin attacking once after the first two hours of work? Is it under her command now? If so it is not clear (and the CL IS way too low).
Mostly upvote, in Eberron it would be almost always an upvote. :)
Dryad’s Last Gift
I too like the acorn, unless you give it to a Peck, that is simply scary!
*commas in the price numbers, and 4050 could probably be rounded to 4k jut for simplicity.**I imagine MtG's llanowar elves had something like this in them, when they die a forest grows. I like the imagery, but agree the time-scale needs to step up. This feels less expensive than a reincarnation should.
***the 'becoming a dryad' sentence is very unclear to me. Is the corpse or the dryad that loses these abilities? Is it the racial abilities or all abilities (does it keep everything else its class abilities)? sorting through these might be considered making the GM work harder. --on a similar note I would add something to the % roll for reincarnate that says 'GM decide'. It will make your item different from the spell and as mentioned above, would be a great intro for a plant-flavored ability.
Refinement would make this mostly upvote for me.
My brain is a little fried for sitting in 80 degree weather for a couple of weeks, but here goes.
Globbing Gobbeling Gorget
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 7th
Slot neck; Price 5,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
A red metallic material like a fleshy tongue remains moist to the touch regardless of the conditions. Teeth of ivory appear randomly from the top and bottom of the gorget. The wearer may spit fleshy red globules at a target up to 30 ft. away as a ranged touch attack. A target struck must succeed at a Fortitude save (DC 16) or its flesh begins turning into in a mucous slime. For each additional globule on the target the DC increases by 2. Items held by the target become slippery and require a move action to maintain in hand. An affected target suffers no other effects except against the wearer of the gorget.
The wearer of the gorget treats the target as if it were two sizes smaller while grappling. He gains a +4 size bonus as appropriate and if the target is no more than one size category larger than the wearer, the wearer also gains the swallow whole ability against the target. The wearer must first grapple the target as normal.
Once swallowed the target gains the pinned condition. The wearer is not grappled, but takes a –4 penalty to Dexterity and –2 penalty on all attack rolls and combat maneuver checks unless the target’s effective size is two less than the wearer.
The globules and swallow whole abilities last for one minute starting when the first globule is spat. The target appears in square adjacent to the wearer. The gorget functions once per day.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, beast shape II, reduce person, ; Cost 2,500 gp
I have had some really good inspirations in the last couple of weeks. this is not one of them and is too close to RPGSS 2008/2009 Maw of Urgathoa. Hmmm... I wasn't planning to keep the alliterative name, perhaps I should invoke Golorian lore in a rewrite... :)
EDIT:
I too like the acorn, unless you give it to a Peck, then it is simply scary!
|
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
Go really wild on your next one, something way out there that you might think is likely to be too much - this is a practice thread so we really want to see you stretch yourself, so go for it. Yes, you will likely take it too far the first time, but that's the whole point, reach for the Superstar!
Tried to do this. It's an archetype. Hope you enjoy.
Befriended (Summoner)
Beings that become an eidolons may have many reasons for becoming eidolons; curiosity, a desire to accomplish some goal, desire to corrupt or enlighten, even curiosity about this plane of existence or even a single individual.
None of these reasons have anything to do with the age.
A befriended summoner is a child who has been befriended, creating their bond with an eidolon at an early age. Such summoners lack the breadth of knowledge and skill that most summoners have. But their bond with their eidolon is more fluid, their young minds are capable of bursts of raw imagination, which shape the eidolon in all sorts of exciting and disturbing ways.
Class Skills: Remove all knowledge skill except Knowledge (Arcana) and Knowledge (Planes). Add any two skills. These are skills the eidolon must also have.
Weapon and Armor Proficiency: Befriended summoners have no armor proficiencies.
Youth: Befriended summoners always start in the youth age category (Ultimate Campaign, page 194), using the same starting ages as an aristocrat, commoner, expert. When they reach the adult age category for their race, they lose this archetype. Most become normal summoners and pay no retraining cost to do so, though some retrain into other classes, losing the link to their great childhood friend forever.
This archetype is an exception to available classes rules outlined for young characters on page 194 of Ultimate Campaign.
Imagination Pool (Sp): At 1st level, a befriended summoner can apply up to 2 pts of evolutions to their eidolon as a standard action. These evolutions may be added 3+ Cha modifier times per day and lasts one minute per level. No more than one set of evolutions can be in play at any one time. It is a full round action to dismiss a set of evolutions and add a different set. At every odd level they can apply one additional point of evolution to their imagination pool.
This replaces the summoner’s summon monster ability and one point from an eidolon’s initial evolution pool.
Eidolon: A child summoner’s force of will is not as great as an adult and their views on life not as settled. Taking advantage of this, some beings deliberately become eidolons in order to influence a young mind. An eidolon of a befriended summoner may therefore be up to two steps different in alignment of the summoner.
Why an archetype?
Ok! I'm going to finally have some presence here! Phew I've been busy.
Globbing Gobbeling Gorget
I'm sure you know this already but the name...is rough.
Moist to the touch is always a good way to grab attention!
But, does it feel that way to you while you are wearing it? Because that's kind of ew.
Are the teeth real or illusory?
Again..urgh...fleshy red globules.
"An affected target suffers no other effects except against the wearer of the gorget. " I'm not sure I understand what this means.
"The wearer of the gorget treats the target as if it were two sizes smaller while grappling. He gains a +4 size bonus as appropriate and if the target is no more than one size category larger than the wearer, the wearer also gains the swallow whole ability against the target. The wearer must first grapple the target as normal. " This doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to me. I'm just not seeing the connect between spitting globules to make a creature slippery and treating the target as if it were 2 sizes smaller. Also, the swallow whole part DOES make some sense...but it is also pretty weird that a Medium creature will be swallowing a Large creature.
You probably could have just stopped the last paragraph after saying the target gains the pinned condition.
I'm also not convinced on the pricing. Being able to make it hard for a creature to hold anything, grappling bonuses, AND swallow whole to a creature 1 size larger than you is quite a bit for 5,000 gp. And this can all be done an unspecified amount of time.
Maybe for 25,0000gp but even then...
Overall - I'm not really a fan of it. It's powers are tenuously connected. Although I really DO like the descriptive writing, especially in the first paragraph. Even though it was kind of gross...it was evocative.
Befriended
You have some grammar issues in the first sentence.
The descriptive paragraphs are too much of a plot device...also players don't like to be limited in character choice when it comes to archetypes. Forcing them into playing a child is going to result in not many people playing it. Maybe cutting the descriptive section to just the last paragraph and adding "those with child-like wonderment" would alleviate some of that.
I think I like the class skills section. I can't think of anything offhand that uses that kind of mechanic for choosing class skills.
Youth - This right here actually goes along with my earlier point, you are pretty much saying "You took this archetype for no reason...you are losing everything about it when you age." And what happens when you get aged as a result of a spell?
Imagination Pool - This is cool and flavorful for the child's imagination angle. I don't know if this is balanced or not, but by 20th you would be applying 11 extra evolution points. Maybe not broken but I'd probably move this to be every 3rd level after 1st.
Eidolon - I get what you are doing, but are there rules to becoming an eidolon?
Overall - I like the idea behind this but not the execution. Taking away player choice isn't usually a good idea. And making the stuff you gain from this archetype disappear because of age...isn't going to fly with a lot of players. Basically, as written, this is more of a backstory for a character than an actual archetype.
eeep - repetition in the first sentence (I also am guilty of doing this at times)
You wrote...
"Beings that become an eidolons may have many reasons for becoming eidolons"
become eidolons x 2
instead try something like...
"Beings that become an eidolon may have many reasons for doing so..."
Then I look at beings and think, "not standard pathfinder phrasing... hmmm...", so what about...
"Creatures choosing to become an eidolon do so for many reasons..."
Although that was an easy fix, you may find that sometimes you need to rewrite the whole sentence - I had one in my recent work with Sean where I was describing seed pods being thrown by the plant creature as grenade like missiles. I used "pod" 4 times in 54 words. Sean showed me the fix, and only 22 words >.<
So this is a common thing to do and does take practice to eliminate, but by spotting and eliminating, your word count does get less and is a great tool towards clarity and brevity.
Heya, my first post here, I have stumbled by chance on the RPG Superstar recently after being a dedicated D&D and then pathfinder player for years and I really enjoyed reading this thread so far, honestly speaking I'm not sure if I'm going to have enough time to join the competition in December, as work isn't really busy now, but things are going to change once the summer is over, still I think that some feedback can always help improving my design (and English writing given that it's not my native language) skills.
So here is my first attempt:
Bottled Workshop
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 16,000 gp; Weight 5 lb.
Description
A miniature workshop, with exquisitely crafted tools, a forge, alchemical apparatuses, lies within a vaguely opaque glass bottle, its cap inscribed with a barely visible rune.
Unless the workshop is already occupied, whoever removes the bottle cap is transported in an extradimensional space within, then the cap naturally reseal itself and becomes impossible to open.
The extradimensional space is the equivalent of a 30x30 feet room, that provides the user with whatever masterwork tools and facilities is needed for any Craft skill, the required instrument always appearing close to the user, like it has always been there.
Anything created by the bottled workshop can’t be brought outside, unless it had ben crafted from raw materials supplied by the user. Inanimate matter can be brought and stored within the workshop itself, without affecting the weight of the bottle, but no more than 1,000 lbs of weight and 150 cubic ft. of volume.
No magic works within the laboratory and all supernatural effects and conditions on the user are suspended until she leaves, time flows differently inside, as long as the user is crafting something every day spent in the laboratory is the equivalent of 10 minutes out, the user body also doesn’t need nourishment nor is affected by fatigue or by the natural healing process while within the bottle.
After one hour outside or whenever the user tries to push away the cap, the wielder is transported in the first 10 ft of empty space adjacent to the bottle than the workshop becomes sealed and unaccessible for an amount time equal to the one that had been spent working within it.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, fabricate, secret chest Cost 8,000 gp
Weight needs to be lbs. as it is more than 1.
Your English is actually very good.
you need a non italic semi colon after the last spell (secret chest)
Other than that, your template use is pretty spot on.
Your second paragraph makes me believe that I become trapped in the bottle - although this is resolved in the last paragraph, be aware of this impression - it may affect how people would vote for your item as voting fatigue sets in and they start scanning the first half or less of an item.
If no magic works in the lab, does this prevent you crafting magical items in the lab that need spells as part of their construction?
That was a quick 5 minute scan review, but hopefully there is something for you to chew on.
Befriended
I'm going to disagree with headkase, on this one. I love the concept behind this. I think imaginary friend is a classic type of summoner and creating a version of it for when you're playing as a youth makes a lot of sense.
Obviously it's niche, but I think it fills a nice role in that niche. I remember looking at those starting as a youth rules and being disappointed. I think that can make for a fun starting point for a campaign, but I didn't think the rules really let you do it. I think this kind of junior summoner does the job a little better.
That said, I'd love to see an adult version of this as well. Is there some version of the befriended summoner that could be different in crunch as an adult?
Bottled Workshop
First of all, welcome aboard. Superstar's a lot of fun. If you've got free time now, there's no reason you can't work on your entry early. Obviously you'll need to make sure you have time to participate in the contest if you get in, but you can start working ahead and doing prep work now, if you want.
AA looks right that your template use seems almost spot on. Nice job. Lots of people get that wrong. Only other thing I noticed was you don't need a line of space between anything except the description paragraphs (that's more a message board forum visual issue, though).
Paragraph two: Couple small language issues (though in general your English looks very good; certainly better than some native speakers!).
I would say whoever removes the bottle cap is transported into, not in. You've also got a subect-verb agreement problem at the end of the sentence: It should be the cap reseals itself, not reseal. A small issue -- I might not use bottle cap. It didn't bother me in the first paragraph, but here I was envisioning a metal cap like on a beer bottle, which disrupted my mental picture since it felt anachronistic. I might say "cork" instead.
I think I'd also join paragraph two and three. I like lots of little paragraphs personally, but be careful not to overdo them.
Paragraph four: Typo in the first sentence: You have "ben crafted" instead of "been crafted". Also, I think it should be anything created in the bottled workshop, which should be italicized (whenever you use the full name of your item, italicize it, though you don't need to if you only refer to the workshop).
Paragraph five: This is a big run-on sentence. You need to break it up into two or three sentences.
Paragraph six: You have "than" instead of "then." (Only use than in comparisons, such as "he has more than her" or "my item is better than yours.") You use both "user" and wielder," which is not often done. A wielder typically is someone holding the item, so I think you're better off using "user" in this case, and I'd try to rewrite the sentence so you didn't need to repeat it (which is why I assume you switched to wielder). Again this is also a run-on sentence. Break it into two: "... the user is transported into the first 10 ft. of empty space adjacent to the bottle. The workshop then become sealed..."
Now, the big final question: Is it Superstar? In this case, no (which is fine; you don't really want to post your most Superstar items here because this is just for practice and then you can't use them). I could definitely see this in a book of magic items, but I think this is probably a bit too simple. You're basically giving someone a way to craft whatever they want whenever, without it taking up potentially precious time. In fact, I'd almost argue that you need time stop in your construction requirements, since I think that aspect -- being able to spend six days crafting and having only an hour pass -- is what I'd like most about this.
Also, what happens if someone breaks the bottle, especially while someone is inside it?
|
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
Befriended
Lots of stuff.
I screwed the first sentence bigtime. Rule for future wait a day and re read, especially when I rework the intro about seven times and passed over that first sentence.
But while I disagree with much of what you said, the points are things that people who are not familar with summoners or youth rules (the same ones Jiggy and I were disappointed with) would look at and easily dismiss my idea.
Having that "gut" reaction is very useful and it reminds me that everyone may not be familar with the rules areas you're using and may have pre conceptions that don't jive with your own.
That is a good thing to remember for everyone, which is why I chose to comment on your commentary.
So thankyou, and that's with no sarcasm or anything negitive that could easily be read into a post like this.
Info--
In Ultimate Campaign the youth age catagory (8-14) is limited to NPC classes, so this expands options rather than contracts them.
There are also no rules for becoming an eidolon. This is left vague, purposely I think, to allow for all sorts of interesting concepts.
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
First, thanks you for all the feedbacks, I have made a few small edits to it, in order to fix the spelling, grammar and template errors that you pointed out.
Bottled Workshop
Aura moderate conjuration; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 16,000 gp; Weight5 lbs
Description
A miniature workshop, with exquisitely crafted tools, a forge and alchemical apparatuses, lies within a vaguely opaque glass bottle, its cork inscribed with an arcane rune.
Unless the workshop is already occupied, whoever removes the bottle cap is transported into an extradimensional space within, then the cork naturally reseals itself and becomes impossible to open from outside. The extradimensional space is the equivalent of a 30x30 feet room, that provides the user with whatever masterwork tools and facilities is needed for any Craft skill, the required instrument appears close to the user, like it has always been there.
Anything created in the bottled workshop can’t be brought outside, unless it had been crafted from raw materials supplied by the user. Inanimate matter can be brought and stored within the workshop itself, without affecting the weight of the bottle, but no more than 1,000 lbs of weight and 150 cubic ft of volume.
No magic works within the laboratory and all supernatural effects and conditions on the user are suspended until she leaves, the user body also doesn’t need nourishment nor is affected by fatigue or by the natural healing process while within the bottle. Time flows differently inside, as long as the user is crafting something every day spent in the laboratory is the equivalent of 10 minutes out.
After one hour has passed outside, should the object be destroyed or whenever the user tries to push away the cork, the occupant is transported in the first 10 ft of empty space adjacent to the bottle. The workshop then becomes sealed and inaccessible for an amount time equal to the one that had been spent working within it.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, fabricate, secret chest Cost 8,000 gp
About the magic negation within it is mostly in order to weaken the item, as without it it could be used for pre-combat buffing or healing for example, in a way that reminds me too much an improved time stop, however I like the idea of making the forging of magic items inside possible, so maybe I can add a workaround for that.
Speaking of time-stop I'd like to keep it out of the requirements in order not to make the caster level and price too high, as the object is intended to be mostly helpful with crafting and after a certain level mundane objects and even alchemical ones become pretty useless due to the abundant access to magic. Is there any other time related spell that you think might be ok as a replacement for it?
And you're right Jacob, I need to find a way to reduce the word count in order to find space for a proper paragraph that describes what happens should the bottle be destroyed while occupied, I was thinking of something on the line of 'everything inside is sent violently out' and I'm checking the entries of last year winners to check what items are more 'superstar' like.
I'm motteditor, not Jiggy, but it's easy to get us confused (hence the Jacob 1, 2 and 3 monikers were garnered in 2012). :)
I'm designing some custom wondrous items as an exercise and would like to hear your opinions regarding the inclusion of feats as construction requirements (feats in addition to Craft Wondrous Item, of course).
There are two reasons I'm considering using feats as requirements:
1) Certain feats seem to fit with the function and flavor of some of the items I'm working on. There is at least some precedent for this set by a handful of existing items such as Incense of Meditation (Maximize Spell, CRB), Eyes of Charming (Heighten Spell, CRB), and Tunic of Careful Casting (Combat Casting, UE).
2) Prerequisites for feats listed as construction requirements could act as construction requirements themselves, without the sometimes lengthy or awkward special requirements. Am I alone in my aversion to special requirements such as "creator must be an X"?
Here's an example to better illustrate my thinking: Let's say I'd like to require that the crafter be a paladin of 8th level or higher or that they be able to channel energy. I could add "creator must be an 8th-level paladin" or "creator must have the channel energy class feature" as special requirements. But, if the item's abilities relate to fear or channeling energy, why not include the feats Fearless Aura (UM) or Channel Smite (CRB) as requirements and omit the special requirements, since they are entailed by the feat(s) anyway? I understand that any requirement outside of the crafting feat can be bypassed by crafters willing to accept the increased DC (+5 per missing requirement). I suppose I can include both if I want to increase the item's crafting difficulty.
Do you have anything against feats as requirements in general? Can you point to any FAQs, threads, or developer comments that recommend against using feats as requirements?
Regarding formatting, does it go: Craft Feat, Other Feats (alphabetically), spells (alphabetically);?
The points are things that people who are not familar with summoners or youth rules (the same ones Jiggy and I were disappointed with) would look at and easily dismiss my idea.Having that "gut" reaction is very useful and it reminds me that everyone may not be familar with the rules areas you're using and may have pre conceptions that don't jive with your own.
It definitely is Superstar form to put the book if it is not from the Core . Summoners are a fairly contentious class so it's a tricky subject to broach in these kinds of things.
I think you made my point for me though, if it needs explanation, it's better to provide that explanation up. There are no rules for becoming an eidolon, so you would need to spend word count making those. It wouldn't pass muster to reference that act without an actual codified set of rules to base them on.
Youth rules are nice, but like motteditor said they are a niche. Not necessarily a bad thing but I'd be willing to bet a small niche at that. And on top of that...NPC class levels don't disappear as you age whereas the befriended does.
Still...I forgot this part...Good idea, I'd just like to see it refined!!
Do you have anything against feats as requirements in general? Can you point to any FAQs, threads, or developer comments that recommend against using feats as requirements?
I do not have anything against them. I'd probably caution people against using them for Superstar itself (or at least using more than one), but Superstar's a different animal than general publishing.
For formatting, I think it should go any feats (alphabetical), then spells (alphabetical). I don't believe Craft Whatever should be given any special consideration in terms of where it falls in the alphabetical order.
Given that I got some extra spare time I thought about seeking feedback fro a new monster too, what do you think of this one?
A crooked figure, dressed in ragged, but once fine, clothes that almost fully conceal its body, its smile is friendly, but still vaguely unsettling, its complexion pale and unhealthy
Liegeist CR 3
XP 800
NE Medium undead (incorporeal)
Init +3; Senses darkvision (60 ft); Perception +5
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 12 (+2 deflection, +3 Dex)
hp 19 (3d8+6);
Fort +4, Ref +4 Will +2
Defensive Abilities incorporeal; channel resistance +3 Immune undead traits
Weaknesses false existence
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 40 ft.(good),
Melee incorporeal touch +5 (1d6, +1d3 wisdom damage)
Special Attacks wilful possession, sneak attack (+1d6)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 3th; concentration +8)
At will— lesser confusion (DC14), still and silent mage hand, prestidigitation, ventriloquism
2/day— beguiling gift (DC 14, APG), hold person (DC15)
----- Statistics -----
Str — , Dex 16, Con — , Int 13, Wis 8, Cha 15
Base Atk +2; CMB +5; CMD 18
Feats Combat Expertise, Improved Feint
Skills Bluff +11, Fly +8, Perception +5; Stealth +9, Sleight of Hand +11, ; Racial Modifiers +2 Sleight of Hand and Bluff.
Languages Common.
SQ imitate life
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban
Organization solitary, pair or gang (3-6)
Treasure standard
----- Special Abilities -----
False Existence (Su) the Liegeist existence is based only on the deception that it is still alive and anything that would reveal the truth about it is a bane for the creature, a Liegeist can't willingly enter a zone of truth and suffers 1d6 damage at the beginning of its round while forced within one, discern lies makes its target immune to the Liegeist attacks and abilities. Any creature can inflict 2d6 damages to the spirit by succeeding in a DC 20 Bluff of Diplomacy check as a full round action focused on weakening the Liegeist conviction about its unliving state.
Imitate Life (Su) during the night the creature can use this ability to look like an unhealthy, but still living version of itself, a DC 21 Perception check is required to see past this deception.
Wilful Possession (Su) A Liegeists is capable of possessing any living humanoid that willingly and consciously accepts the spirit influence, a part from this limitation and the fact that instead of creating a jar the Liegeist merge with its host, wilful possession works like a magic jar spell. Wilful Possession lasts until dawn or until an amount predetermined by the host had expired, whichever is earlier.
Liegeists are undead entities whose existence is based on deception, the unquiet spirits of conmen, tricksters or pretenders whose demise came after they started to buy their own lies, struck between life and death by the belief that they could not reach their ultimate end.
Liegeist are insane creatures, most the memories of their old lives gone, replaced with a mad craving of the pleasures of the flesh that had been denied to them. Fickle and fragile creatures they can be banished from their state of unlife should they ever be convinced of their condition, an hard feat given that their insanity prevents them from noticing even the most obvious clues of their unnatural state.
Liegeists are too weak to be able to possess an unwilling victim, however despite their madness Liegeists still have the cunning that characterized their lives, so they rely on deception and manipulation to gain access to a living body, usually involving their victims in some twisted game of chance, bet, or ruining them in some other way, offering possession as part of a deal or as the only way out of their troubles.
Liegeist
Cool, a new monster! Let's have a look:
There are a lot of commas in the descriptive line, but not a lot of actual verbs. In fact, I don't see any active verbs at all. Definitely fix that.
It seems like you're going for "lie-geist," like a ghost who lies, but if you're using the German root for "-geist" this name would actually be pronounced "lee-geist." Probably not what you're looking for.
Don't need parentheses in the Senses line.
Very low hp for CR 3, but the incorporeality might offset that (like with the shadow, which has the same hp).
AC doesn't really balance the low hp.
I would double-check your math on the saves, Fort seems 1 too high. Furthermore none of its good saves are up to snuff for its CR.
Channel resistance +3 isn't necessarily wrong, but it is unusual.
Melee damage should read "(1d6 plus 1d3 Wisdom)." Furthermore, that's seems like a big step up from the shadow's damage output since it's both ability and hit point damage, but it's not a huge amount, so we'll let it slide for now.
The sneak attack seems out of character with the rest of the monster. It also compounds the damage problem I mentioned above.
"Willful possession" should have two "l's."
Where did that concentration modifier come from? I'd put it at +5 (+3 CL, +2 Cha)
Space between "DC" and "14" for lesser confusion. I'm also assuming you want the metamagic feat abilities for mage hand, in which case it should read "Silent Still mage hand"
2/day SLAs is the same as channel resistance +3. Same issue with the spacing in the hold person DC. I don't think you need to list the sourcebook for beguiling gift, but if I'm wrong then you should definitely put the whole book title in italics.
CMD should be 15.
No period after languages.
Why standard treasure? How does an incorporeal creature carry it?
Capitalize your first letter in each ability description.
I would have someone else read your full sentences and paragraphs aloud to proofread, that'll catch a lot of the spelling, syntax, and punctuation booboos in the abilities and flavor text.
The using Bluff or Diplomacy as an attack is very interesting, but it seems overpowered with this ability. Why ever attack it if you could just talk at it? I would try to revise that ability to keep the same theme but not necessarily allow it to substitute for regular attacks.
In hindsight, the whole False Existence ability is pretty neat. Again, just look it over for ways to make it flavorful without trivializing the monster.
Way too many commas in the abilities. Turn those run-on phrases into distinct sentences.
The Willful Possession ability seems out of place given the creature's origins. Why would something that thinks it's still alive be able to possess people? The phrasing of that ability is also very odd.
I like the backstory but it strikes me as more of a haunt or alternate ghost detailed in Classic Horrors Revisited. Not sure this really constitutes its own new monster.
Hope this helps!
Liegeist
HP: Only about 60% of what you would expect for a CR 3 monster. Since it can basically be hurt by role-playing and Cha-based checks, I would bump this up. I also don't think you need the semicolon after the hp section of the stat block.
AC: Spot-on for CR 3. It is incorporeal and can hide in possessed creatures, but the false existence seems to balance that out.
Attacks: Just about right, the lower bonus is equalized by the fact that it is a touch attack.
Damage: A bit low, even with the sneak attack. This is offset by the Wisdom damage, but I still think it could pack a bit more punch. Also, you shouldn't have a comma in the damage section (just 1d6 plus 1d3 Wisdom damage).
Abilities: It looks like its primary offensive abilities are its spell-like abilities, and the DCs look okay (one point high for hold person but nothing to complain about). I don't count Willful Possession because that seems more story-focused and less likely to be used on a PC. Spell-like abilities already don't have verbal or somatic components, so designating it as Silent & Still is unnecessary. I would change "Willful Possession" to "Willing," since willful sounds to me like it could impose possession on others through its strong will. Willful also has 3 "l's," not 2. The first sentence of Willful Possession should be split into two - replace the first comma with a period.
Saves: Saves are weird. Will should be the best save for an undead, but I guess it makes sense with its Wisdom penalty. I'm not sure how you got Fort as +4.
Skills: I don't have time to check your numbers for skill points, but I will say there are some unnecessary punctuation marks (a semicolon after Perception and a comma after Sleight of Hand). Because I don't know where else to put this, I'll also mention here that you are missing a space between your fly speed and the maneuverability.
Flavor: A ghost that you kill by convincing it that it is dead is pretty awesome to me. It makes social skills more powerful and gives extra value to the anti-lying spells, which is a neat bit of mojo. My concerns are: A) if it thinks it's alive, why is it trying to possess other living creatures? Wouldn't that undermine its conviction that it has a body of its own? B) You make a couple references to its abilities ending at dawn - does it actually have sunlight powerlessness or another day-related weakness? C) If talking to it does damage, why would anyone fight it? Maybe convincing it that it's dead should stagger it instead of doing flat hit point damage.
Overall I think you did a fair job with this, formatting errors aside. Good work!
Bottled Workshop - Redesign
I don't know that I like the implications of "and becomes impossible to open from outside." That means that a mythic 10 tier / level 20 anything couldn't open it from the outside. I think I get what you are going for but it would be better to say almost impossible or exceedingly difficult rather than straight up impossible.
So I think I get your timing mechanism. 6 days in the bottled workshop = 1 hour outside of it. Definitely helps with the crafting rules that take a long time. I like that...because I love crafting.
I like the redesign much more than the original.
Overall - It's a nifty little item that anyone who crafts would HAVE to have. That's part of the problem...when something is that good people view it as a problem. Seriously, any crafter without this would be foolish. You did a great job pricing, in my mind, especially since 6th level isn't too terrible a price to pay if I'm serious about crafting, then everything is half price anyways since I'm essentially crafting 8 * 6 days = 48 days crafting in one 8 hour day. Ooo...just thought of that. You say that the bottle is unusable for an amount of time equal to the time used. So, since crafting rules mean I can only craft 8 hours a day, then I just need 16 hours to be able to get 48 bottle days worth of crafting in 1 actual day. Interesting...
Liegeist
I don't have much to add to the Waskos' breakdowns other than I agree with Nick, anything that puts more value on social skills is a good thing!
Damage: A bit low, even with the sneak attack. This is offset by the Wisdom damage, but I still think it could pack a bit more punch. Also, you shouldn't have a comma in the damage section (just 1d6 plus 1d3 Wisdom damage).
Abilities: It looks like its primary offensive abilities are its spell-like abilities, and the DCs look okay (one point high for hold person but nothing to complain about). I don't count Willful Possession because that seems more story-focused and less likely to be used on a PC. Spell-like abilities already don't have verbal or somatic components, so designating it as Silent & Still is unnecessary. I would change "Willful Possession" to "Willing," since willful sounds to me like it could impose possession on others through its strong will. Willful also has 3 "l's," not 2. The first sentence of Willful Possession should be split into two - replace the first comma with a period.
You're right, I totally forgot that SLAs don't have components.
I get where you're coming from for the damage output, but at CR 3 any kind of ability damage is pretty nasty. The fact that it double dips into HP and ability damage with it's attacks seems pretty gnarly.
Do you have anything against feats as requirements in general? Can you point to any FAQs, threads, or developer comments that recommend against using feats as requirements?
I do not have anything against them. I'd probably caution people against using them for Superstar itself (or at least using more than one), but Superstar's a different animal than general publishing.
For formatting, I think it should go any feats (alphabetical), then spells (alphabetical). I don't believe Craft Whatever should be given any special consideration in terms of where it falls in the alphabetical order.
Thanks for your input Jacob. That's a good point regarding RPGSS items—I'll take that under advisement. Regarding the feat order, I got my idea about the craft feats going first from the Tunic of Careful Casting (linked in my post above). I'll keep looking for other examples to see if there's a pattern.
I'm designing some custom wondrous items as an exercise and would like to hear your opinions regarding the inclusion of feats as construction requirements (feats in addition to Craft Wondrous Item, of course).
Am I alone in my aversion to special requirements such as "creator must be an X"?
Do you have anything against feats as requirements in general? Can you point to any FAQs, threads, or developer comments that recommend against using feats as requirements?
Regarding formatting, does it go: Craft Feat, Other Feats (alphabetically), spells (alphabetically);?....
I agree with Jacob's interpretation (shocker that; I know :) Used sparingly extra feats are OK in my opinion, but not feats that caster is not likely to have. The examples you listed are all meta-magic feats, but two weapon fighting is a stretch (3.5's double wand-weilder required it) Do notice what a feat does to the caster level. Bless is a 1st level spell, but maximize makes it 4th which requires a 7th level cleric. Even requiring two feats raises the minimum character level (shhh.... you humans.)
If the feat has another feat as a prerequisite I think they should both be listed. But a non-feat pre-requisite (such as channeling) can be skipped. That is my opinion, I dinnae find an example to back it up.
In general I would avoid the creator-must-be clauses. The 'creator must be X' strays from the general PF rules-set. That is: a home brew game would require adding druegar if the requirement of 'druegar' is in an item. This is less of an issue with core races/classes as requirements. If you have a specific campaign in-mind, or if you are submitting something to a particular publisher's world, I think it is ok. Tolkein's elves created all the moon-letters (-writing?) for example. Certainly the 'must be' has to have a mechanical effect. 'Red-headed' 'crescent scar' even Osirion would be moot in most campaigns so why include it?
Thanks for the suggestions again, I'll try to post an updated version tomorrow.
I'll try to tinker a bit with the flavor to keep the possession power, maybe give it a stronger interaction with its weakness.
Speaking of the weakness I think that I might have to tone it down a bit, perhaps reduce the damages so that it doesn't become the most effective way to kill the geist, but not too much so that it remains an useful alternative, especially for low level characters to counter its incorporeal quality and possession ability.
I was wondering if maybe it won't be better to boost its hp a bit, perhaps adding an hit dice, due to the fact that its weaknesses make the creature defences less effective than the ones of a shadow, that is the main inspiration for its base stats.
For the name what do you think about Lügengeist?
About the saving throws I used the base (+3/+1/+1) series and added the creature stat bonuses (making a mistake with the fort one that should be +3) that's why the look weird. Do you think that it would be better if I start with the +6/+2/+2 that is suggested and then work backward from it?
The low wisdom seems fitting for a creature whose theme is lying to itself, however it might also make it too weak against the right spells and effects.
Liegeist CR 3
False Existence (Su) the Liegeist existence is based only on the deception that it is still alive and anything that would reveal the truth about it is a bane for the creature, a Liegeist can't willingly enter a zone of truth and suffers 1d6 damage at the beginning of its round while forced within one, discern lies makes its target immune to the Liegeist attacks and abilities. Any creature can inflict 2d6 damages to the spirit by succeeding in a DC 20 Bluff of Diplomacy check as a full round action focused on weakening the Liegeist conviction about its unliving state.
Everyone else covered this better than I can, but I will add one point. The bluff or diplomacy DC is kind of low. A 3rd level PC with either skill will make this 25% of the time. If they are a face character or specialized they could make it almost 60% of the time (which means taking 10 guarantees it). This is especially low for a creature that resisted seeing the truth when it died. I like the concept though. There are a couple of bard abilities (traits?) where this kind of action stuns/dazes an opponent. Work on the mechanics and this could be really cool. :)
Because I'm a harsh critic, I also deserve to be subjected to critique occasionally. 155 words (MS Word)
Spellcracker's Tools
Brilliant! While clockwork isn't for everyone, I interpreted it as you intended. FWIW way back when, in the very first Blazing 9, I did an item that used an illussionary terrain to overlay actual terrain, giving a ranger the necessary visual clues to use his favored terrain feature. I still feel it is good design space and taught me to never! Never! NEVER! rely on spell-check alone. :) Seeing it still makes me... well cry :)
*it may help if Perception or trapfinding could be used as detect magic before jumping into the Spellcraft aspect. Headkase already pointed out the time disparity in those two skills.**suppression and spell tinkering was an important aspect of the Arcanist play test (ACG). Since the final mechanics are not out yet, this might be different enough or it might mitigate those characters. I am not sure how to apply this to RPGSS, but the important thing is to be aware of upcoming products & releases. One could presume you (as a superstar & consummate professional :) put it the practice thread because we will already have seen ACG by RPGSS.
***visually I would add the tools manipulate the gears to make the suppression happen. Intuitively it is there, but as AA pointed out, not everyone will get it.
I do like this. Upvote.
OK. I now only have page 5 & 6 left to critique :)
Bottled Workshop
I like the idea, but that might be because I am old enough to have watched I Dream of Jeannie. Ship in a bottle has been done, and this works on its premise.
*any craft skill is still pretty vague. I wonder how one works on Craft (shipbuilding) in a 30x30 space. +X on a skill is not very SuperStar, but since this affects time instead of ranks, I like it. Keep in mind craft checks are measured in days and weeks, not hours or 10 minutes. This will need some fine-tuning.**No magic works inside? I think this drops player character's interest out right away. It does mine anyway.
***OK I just completed my masterwork armor. What do I do to get out? If I have to wear it out, what happens to already worn armor? Do I leave it it the workshop? From a cinematic view I imagine a cork dummy that I dress in the armor or place the sword in its arms, ring on its fingers etc. Then say the word to leave and end up holding the cork when I do. :)
Can the person outside a bottled workshop tell if it is occupied?
Playing with time is a good (but not necessarily RPGSS wise) design choice, make this useable to PCs to get this into the mostly upvote category. :)
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
The spell thrower has changed name!
I am fast changing how I name my items so that I can lose my crown of "king of bad names" this year :P
I have held that title for far too long.
I am now only going to worry about the item name as the very last thing to do so that the final item design leads me to a better name.
Well... that's the theory.
Hopefully this has plugged up all the holes :)
Inkspell Glove
Aura faint abjuration; CL 5th
Slot hands; Price 4,500 gp; Weight —
Description
This glove, made from woven spider silk, is so pure and brilliantly white that it emanates a subtle nimbus.
Placing a gloved hand onto a scroll animates the writing, the words leaping from page to glove, writhing in a macabre dance to the palm, leaving behind a pristine clean parchment. At the center of the palm, the words merge into a wriggling, pulsating ink ball. One ink ball may be created and held at any one time, lasting as long as the wearer holds it in the gloved hand.
The wearer may throw the ball up to 30 feet as a ranged attack with no range increment, or make a melee touch attack with the gloved hand. A successful hit releases the absorbed spell’s energies against the target dealing 1d6 points of damage per spell level. If the absorbed spell deals damage with a damage type, the damage dealt by the ball is the same type, otherwise it has no type.
If the absorbed spell would normally heal the target, the ink ball heals the target instead of harming it, except it heals 1d6 points of damage per spell level instead of the spell’s original amount.
A held ink ball is discharged harmlessly if it is released in any other way from the gloved hand.
The glove can only absorb a spell if the wearer’s character level is equal to or greater than the caster level of the spell.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, explosive runes; Cost 2,250 gp
Thanks again about the suggestions and wow I'm starting to sound like a broken disk I guess (Is it an expression used in English by the way?)
Anyway I have edited and renamed the new monster, tuning its ability, fluf and weakness a bit, what do you think about this version?
This crooked figure, despite its friendly smile and mannerism, radiates an unsettling sensation of wrongness.
Lügengeist CR 3
XP 800
NE Medium undead (incorporeal)
Init +3; Senses darkvision (60 ft); Perception +4
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 12 (+2 deflection, +3 Dex)
hp 19 (3d8+6);
Fort +3, Ref +4 Will +2
Defensive Abilities incorporeal; channel resistance +2 Immune undead traits
Weaknesses delusional existence
----- Offense -----
Speed fly 40 ft. (good)
Melee incorporeal touch +5 (1d6, +1d3 wisdom damage)
Special Attacks willing possession, sneak attack (+1d6)
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 3th; concentration +5)
At will— lesser confusion (DC 14), mage hand, prestidigitation, ventriloquism
3/day— beguiling gift (DC 14), hold person (DC 15)
----- Statistics -----
Str — , Dex 16, Con — , Int 13, Wis 8, Cha 15
Base Atk +2; CMB +5; CMD 18
Feats Combat Expertise, Improved Feint
Skills Bluff +9, Fly +6, Perception +4, Stealth +6, Sleight of Hand +8 Racial Modifiers +2 Sleight of Hand and Bluff
Languages Common
SQ imitate life
----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban
Organization solitary, pair or gang (3-6)
Treasure standard (lair)
----- Special Abilities -----
Delusional existence (Su) A Lügengeist’s existence is based only on the lie that it is still alive and dispelling this delusion is dangerous for the creature. It can't willingly enter a zone of truth and suffers 1d6 damage at the beginning of its round if it is forced within one, discern lies makes its target immune to the Lügengeist’s attacks and abilities.
Any creature can inflict 1d6 damages to the spirit by succeeding in a DC 20 Bluff of Diplomacy check as a standard action focused on dispelling the Lügengeist’s delusions. Once harmed in this way, however, the spirit quickly slips back in denial and becomes immune damages from this ability until the end of its next round.
Imitate Life (Su) As a standard action once per day, the Lügengeist can use this ability to assume a life-like appearance, concealing its undead and incorporeal nature for up to three hours. However, this deception isn’t perfect and can be discovered with successful DC 25 Perception check.
Willing Possession (Su) As a move action the Lügengeist can merge its body with another sentient humanoid adjacent to it. This ability is similar to a magic jar spell, except that it does not require a receptacle and only works on willing targets. This effect lasts until the next dawn or dusk, whichever comes first. A Lügengeist possessing an host still suffers from the effects of Delusional Existence.
The existence of a Lügengeist is based on deception, it is the unquiet spirit of a conmen, impersonator or pretender, whose demise came after it started believing its own lies. When death finally came its fictions and delusions somehow survived.
Utterly insane a Lügengeist is in a constant state of denial, in fact it desperately rationalize away even the most obvious sign of its undead condition. Still, buried deep within its twisted psyche, lies a shard of awareness about the truth and anyone who manages to uncover it, might be able to upset or even destroy the fragile balance that keeps a Lügengeist in the world of the living.
Even without the memories of its past life a Lügengeist retains a portion of the original creature cunning together with its deepest cravings and desires. Prevented from fulfilling its urges by the lack of a body and too weak to usurp one, a Lügengeist seeks willing hosts trough trickery or intimidation, usually preying on the desperate and lonely like it used to do in life.
And given that I had a little extra time I also worked a bit on another wonderous item too:
Mantle of the Provocateur
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot back; Price 13.000 gp; Weight 3 lbs
Description
A short brightly colored red mantle, finely embodied in gold, with a smooth and soft texture, this object generates a confrontational aura that tends to attract the antipathies of those who look at its wielder.
As a standard action during combat, the wielder of the mantle can issue a series of insults and taunts toward a single target within 30 ft. that is threatening one of its allies, the mantle then compels it to extract revenge for the perceived offense. The magic of the mantle allows for the general meaning of the user speech to be understood by its target even if spoken in a language unknown to it, however the victim still needs to have an intelligence score and be able to hear the words in order to be affected.
The more colorful and creative the insult, the more effective the magic, when activating the mantle the user can make a DC 15 Performance, Bluff or Intimidate roll to inflict a -1 morale modifier to the saving throw against its power for every 5 points that the check had been successful.
The provoked individual can resist the mantle’s influence by taking a DC 13 Will save, on a failed save whenever she takes an offensive action she is forced to also include the wielder of the mantle among the targets, for a creature with multiple attacks, however this limitation only applies only to the first.
The compulsion ends if the user moves more than 30 ft. away from the target or after 5 rd.
Wearing the mantle inflicts a -2 morale modifier to diplomacy checks to improve the attitude of a creature.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, compel hostility, suggestion, comprehend languages Cost 6.500
By the way Adam I really like the idea of the Spell thrower\Inkspell glove.
|
RPG Superstar 2014 Top 4, RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Marathon Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
Inkspell Glove
The part about the text dancing and leaping is really beautifully written. Very, very evocative.
As for mojo, I like it that it gives you a new way to use scrolls. The effect also scales with the level of the scroll, which is good.
What I don't like is that in the end you only get a new way to deal damage or heal. I expected something more exciting. Besides, I think there is a thematic disconnect there: why does magical ink/text deal damage or heal? I expected it to cause blindness (inky darkness), a riddle that confuses the target (magical text) or something like that.
If the effect was something more inventive than hit point damage / healing and had something to do with text/ink/languages/inkiness, this item would have a really good chance of making the top 32, in my humble opinion.
Well done, Anthony!
Thanks again about the suggestions and wow I'm starting to sound like a broken disk I guess (Is it an expression used in English by the way?)
The English expression is starting to sound like a broken record ... though considering most people under age 30 probably don't know what a record is anymore, maybe it's changing to disc (though those are already practically obsolete too and only us old fogies will use the expression). :)
Mantle of the Provacateur
I'm not a big fan of "of the" names. Sometimes they're unavoidable, but ... well, I'd try to avoid them. Not everyone agrees, certainly, but I think if I can find a different name that works better, I will.
There is no back slot. Mantles take up the shoulders slot, IIRC. Also, you need a period after lbs. In your construction requirements, the spells should be in alphabetical order and it looks like you dropped the "gp" at the end of your cost. Also, American English (and thus Paizo) uses commas, not periods, to indicate thousands. That's a really common mistake for non-native speakers, but one you have to try to avoid (though of course it's not the worst mistake; that'd be pretty far down on my list of things I use to decide whether to vote for something or not).
"The more colorful and creative the insult, the more effective the magic, when activating the mantle the user can make a DC 15 Performance, Bluff or Intimidate roll to inflict a -1 morale modifier to the saving throw against its power for every 5 points that the check had been successful."
I'm hesitant to use skill checks in my magic items, though I know some of the core items do. It makes the item far more valuable for some people. That said, you've got a wide array of skills here, ones that a lot of characters can have ranks in, so it effectively lets the item scale as the character progresses, which I like.
"The provoked individual can resist the mantle’s influence by taking a DC 13 Will save, on a failed save whenever she takes an offensive action she is forced to also include the wielder of the mantle among the targets, for a creature with multiple attacks, however this limitation only applies only to the first."
I've got a few issues here. First of all, this sentence is choppy, probably enough so that I would look to see if the other item's better. You should have a period after "save" and then after "among the targets."
Also, I prefer to see what the item does first (the second part of what you have here), and in fact would move that up to your second paragraph, before you get into the language details. I think I'd also try to take the language from compel hostility as this is a bit confusing -- "forced to also include the wielder of the mantle among the targets." What if a creature has multiple attacks but isn't adjacent to the mantle wearer? (Also, since the mantle is worn, you want wearer, not wielder.)
"The compulsion ends if the user moves more than 30 ft. away from the target or after 5 rd."
Spell out rounds.
"Wearing the mantle inflicts a -2 morale modifier to diplomacy checks to improve the attitude of a creature."
Nice touch, though I would be careful with drawbacks in Superstar itself. I think this would be fine, but some people go too far with them, and I think it really turns off voters. Diplomacy should be capitalized.
Inkspell Glove
The part about the text dancing and leaping is really beautifully written. Very, very evocative.
As for mojo, I like it that it gives you a new way to use scrolls. The effect also scales with the level of the scroll, which is good.
What I don't like is that in the end you only get a new way to deal damage or heal. I expected something more exciting. Besides, I think there is a thematic disconnect there: why does magical ink/text deal damage or heal? I expected it to cause blindness (inky darkness), a riddle that confuses the target (magical text) or something like that.
If the effect was something more inventive than hit point damage / healing and had something to do with text/ink/languages/inkiness, this item would have a really good chance of making the top 32, in my humble opinion.
Well done, Anthony!
Thanks!
Unfortunately, it was a practice item for the very reason you stated.
I was simply looking at a way of getting use from scrolls that no one in the party can cast and in the case of say the healer going down, allowing a non caster a method of using a healing scroll to get the healer back up, or continue to throw healing at that undead that is hurt by such :D
Besides, I think there is a thematic disconnect there: why does magical ink/text deal damage or heal?
My stab at answering this - my thinking was this...
When scribing a scroll, you are placing the spell energy into the scroll so that all that needs to happen to release the spell energy is to read the scroll - so reading the words from the scroll is the trigger. The scribing onto the scroll is the actual "casting" of the spell, it is just being delayed until the scroll is read.
Therefore my brain was saying, if you take the words that form the trigger, you are triggering the scroll in a variant way that doesn't involve reading. The words have the spell energy stored in them purely because of the scribing of them onto the scroll as part of its preparation.
I also thought by throwing the spell energy containing words as an ink ball, effectively turns any spell on a scroll into a ranged spell, so all those get myself into melee touch delivery spells no longer need me to get into melee ;)
Hope that makes sense.
Here is an updated version of the Mantle, likely I could have used a better name, I have tried to change the wording, formatting a bit as well as the order of the paragraphs.
Mantle of the Provocateur
Aura faint enchantment; CL 5th
Slot shoulders; Price 13,000 gp; Weight 3 lbs.
Description
A short brightly colored red mantle, finely embodied in gold, with a smooth and soft texture, this object generates a confrontational aura that tends to attract the antipathies of those who look at its wearer.
As a standard action during combat, the wearer of the mantle can issue a series of insults and taunts toward a single target within 30 ft. that is threatening one of its allies, the mantle then compels it to extract revenge for the perceived offense.
The provoked individual can resist the mantle’s influence by taking a DC 13 Will save. On a failed save whenever the victim wants to take an offensive action she must include the wearer of the mantle among its targets. When performing multiple attacks at least one of them has to be dedicated to the user, however, the others can be directed to any target within reach as normal.
The compulsion ends if the user moves more than 30 ft. away from the target or after 5 rounds.
The more colorful and creative the taunting speech, the more effective the mantle’s magic becomes, when activating the mantle the user can make a DC 15 Performance, Bluff or Intimidate check to inflict a -1 morale modifier to the saving throw against its power and an extra -1 for every 5 points past the CD.
The magic of the mantle allows for the general meaning of the user speech to be understood by its target even if spoken in a language unknown to it, however the victim still needs to have an intelligence score and be able to hear the words in order to be affected.
Wearing the mantle inflicts a -2 morale modifier to Diplomacy checks to improve the attitude of a creature.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, compel hostility, comprehend languages, suggestion Cost 6,500 gp
May anyone post an idea here?
Yes, please do if you want to practice :)
Keep in mind, this is just for practice. DO NOT post a potential entry. :)
Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
|
Well, Here I go...Please tell me if I'm doing this right.
Ground-Bone Rolls (Dozen)
Aura: Varying Transmutation
CL: Varies
Weight (Per Dozen): 1 pound
Price: Varies
Slot: None
Description
Fee, Fie, Foe, YUM! These sweet, buttery rolls glisten with a glittering brown spice indigenous to the norther reaches of the Inner Sea. However, the succulent, flavorful buns harbor a controversial ingredient: The ground-up bones of creatures and animals.
Eating one of the rolls on its own produces no effect. But when it is eaten along with a meat, dairy, and vegetable, (Like a sandwich) the magic within the roll begins to manifest.
The eater of a finished sandwich grows or shrinks to the size of the creature or animal from which the ground-up bones to make the bread were produced from. For example, if the bones of a Lyrakien Azata were used to make the bread, the eater of the sandwich would become Tiny in size. Likewise, if a bone from a Thanatonic Titan were used, the creature would grow to Colossal size. The recipient of this effect takes on all of the bonuses and penalties for its new size. This effect lasts for 10 minutes after the roll is finished.
The Aura of the rolls the price and the price vary on the size of the creature from which the bones for the bread came from. Each dozen rolls must use the same ground-up bones from the same animal. Like mundane bread, the rolls can only keep for 1-2 weeks before becoming inert and inedible.
Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item; Craft (Cooking) 5 Ranks; Enlarge Person; Reduce Person; Flour; Spices; Milk; Yeast; Ground Bones; Preheat Oven to 375 degrees; Bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes.
Hey Brigg, thanks for posting.
I think you showed a spark of imagination in this item. With a little tweaking, this feels like something I could see in a game, perhaps set in Irrisen.
That said, you've got several problems here as well. Keep in mind, I'm going to give you a review for the Superstar contest, which is for people looking to get their foot in the industry. Some of these issues aren't at all relevant in an item you're just using with friends.
First of all, your template use is incorrect. You should follow the template provided in the Round 1 rules. There are a number of things bolded, no colons and it's only on a few lines -- not one line per each entry.
Moving on, I suggest looking through the magic items Paizo's published. None of them start with a little nursery rhyme or quote (i.e. Fee, fie, foe yum), so Superstar items shouldn't either. Honestly, these two issues so far would probably get the item rejected by voters on their own.
That said, I actually really like the second sentence. I think that's a really nice description, using a good action verb (glisten) and some other good words (indigenous). I'm not sure most spice glitters and you misspelled northern, but otherwise I think this is the right direction. "Succulent" is also a good word.
I'd be careful using concepts like the bone meal, simply because it could give an "ew" reaction. I think blood especially (and ripping out/replacing body parts) has become a real turn-off for people in Superstar items. I think you tread the line safely here, but just wanted to mention it as a potential thing to be careful about. While obviously many people eat meat, I think a lot don't like to think about where it comes from and the idea of having ground-up bone in bread might creep some people out. People's mileage may vary on this one.
I'm not sure why eating one of the rolls on its own has no effect. That seems like a needless restriction to me. I'd probably lose the whole paragraph.
For the powers, we've got a basic shrink/growth item. It's perfectly reasonable -- and I think it actually does give a solid payoff for the bone meal -- though not necessarily Superstar. I think most people would call this a spell in a can, which is basically an item that simply does exactly what a spell does. There are lots of uses for these items, but they're not really showing off your game-design chops.
You mention at the end that the aura and price vary, but you don't ever give me any guidelines. Does an azata roll cost 1,000 gp or 10,000 gp? I have no idea. Is it more or less than a roll that makes you Huge? (Great job, by the way, of capitalizing sizes, since a lot of people miss that; however, you don't need to capitalize the names of the monsters.)
And finally, we get to the requirements. You literally list the ingredients and cooking time, which would be considered a major no-no. Paizo's basically gone completely away from listing strange materials as part of their items, much less mundane items -- a magic ring for example doesn't actually list a gold/silver/whatever ring, it's just assumed to be there. Generally just list the feat, the spell and then any other requirements, which usually are racial/class/skill based. You got the feat selection right, but "cooking" should be lowercase. Also, looking at Paizo's example, the format tends to be "Creator must have XX ranks in Craft (cooking). You properly italicized the spells, but they should be lowercase (it also looks like you italicized the semicolons following the spell, which you shouldn't do).
OK, hope that helps. I apologize if it felt like a tough critique. Posting here is a great way to get better at item design, so I hope it helps. I'd strongly suggest looking through the Superstar forums -- read some of the critique threads, and Sean's consolidated advice thread -- and then definitely come back and take another shot. A lot of the issues are pretty easily fixable.
Everything Jacob said really - bring your template up to scratch so you don't put off the voters and go a little more wild with your designs. If you get the template right and wow me with the shiny idea, you will get my vote.
I can offer some help on the technical template side of things, the imagination side though must come from you ;)
To help you with the template - almost everything from this old post of mine should help you sort out the majority of your template issues.
The references to the "auto rejects" aren't such a big deal during the public vote, but do remember final selection of the top 32 is in the hands of the professionals who will observe many of them - be aware of them and try to avoid them if you can.
For example, your lead in poetry would probably be classified as backstory - which is an auto reject reason, so being aware of these does help catch a lot of problems before you hit submit.
I also posted a more recent walk through of designing an item and plugging the design into the provided competition template - you might find this helpful as a technique to getting the template right.
Hope these links help.
|
Marathon Voter Season 8, Marathon Voter Season 9
|
Hey, Thank you guys very much. I'll get right on revising the item.
This idea was all a sketch, and I should have taken a little more time to flesh it out myself before posting. The balance between silly and serious needs to lean a little more toward serious, I see.
I really appreciate you guys helping me tweak this idea because I'm seriously looking forward to entering this contest. Big thanks to you, Jacob, for pointing out those guidelines. I clearly overlooked any inclination to search for any type of guideline.
I really appreciate your links, Anthony. I will use this information, and Jacob's critique to revise the item.
Serious vs. silly really depends. For the contest, I'd definitely go serious (though I'd say that doesn't mean it can't be fun).
For practice, I actually kind of like silly. Some of my favorite items -- which I think could be somewhat useful too -- are items inspired by my dog: fetching stick, fetching ball, chewing bone... Since items you post here can't be used in the contest, it's good to not put your best ones out there -- I just note why I'm posting them/think they're not good enough for actual Superstar (i.e., I know this is silly, but...)
Oh, and since you're new, I really do recommend reading through an entire critique thread (which can take a while) and ... though it's also time consuming ... look through all the previous Top 32 items. You want to make sure you don't inadvertently duplicate something that's already been done. You've got about three months, so no rush, but definitely give yourself a plan to read an item and a page of the critique thread a day, or something along those lines.
I'll chime in, Brigg, that you have a very good spark of imagination here. I would definitely like to see something like this in a game...a spice (bone meal perhaps) that you sprinkle on something you eat to gain traits/size/whatever of the creature it was made from. Kudos on an off the wall concept.
As has been said, for Superstar it needs to lean more towards the serious side (not to say it can't be funny) and template usage needs to be near spot-on. Template Fu will get fat otherwise :)
I want to encourage you to continue thinking off the wall...like Craft (cooking) 5 requirements...that's cool and it is an underutilized thing. That kind of thinking will get you noticed and will get you votes provided you do templating correctly and follow Jacob's and Anthony's advice.