Your Favorite DnD / Pathfinder Jokes


Pathfinder First Edition General Discussion

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This is my favorite.

The Exchange

not really a joke, but there's an exchange between two of the main characters in the movie "Heist" that always makes me think of games and the "get the loot" mentality...

Coffee Cart Man: Hey buddy. You forgot your change.
Joe Moore: [Takes the change] Makes the world go round.
Bobby Blane: What's that?
Joe Moore: Gold.
Bobby Blane: Some people say love.
Joe Moore: Well, they're right, too. It is love. Love of gold.

Silver Crusade

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Party steps out of a barn, and is faced with a war party of orcs.

Mage: *Mumbles arcane words* A ball of fire leaps from his palm, the orcs go up in flame and smoke.

Bard: "Wow that was nice, can you teach me that sometime?"

Mage: "What?"

Bard: "That spell you just cast."

Mage: "I did not cast a spell, at least I do not remember doing such a thing."

Bard: "Yeah, you just blew all those orcs into ashes."

Mage: "I did that, oh my, I need anger management classes."

Bard: "Soooo.... can you teach me that spell?"

Mage: "What spell."

Bard: *Sigh*


Pathfinder Adventure Path, Lost Omens, Rulebook, Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
pennywit wrote:
Kazaan wrote:
Seth Parsons wrote:
Dragoncat wrote:
Kazaan wrote:
Seth Parsons wrote:
...wanted for numerous acts of crimes against sentient beings, property damage, piracy, theft, banditry, unrepentant blasphemy against the most holy church of Asmodeus, murder, attempted murder, gambling, aiding and abetting enemies of the states, arson, and wanted for questioning for numerous other acts that can't quite be connected to him...
... and jaywalking.
...and lollygagging.
How could I forget those? And my stealing candy from babies (though they turned out to halflings <.< )
Aww, did someone steal your sweetroll?
I used to steal sweetrolls like you .....

Swee troll

CE Diminutive humanoid (giant)


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Papa Smurf is a redcap.

Shadow Lodge

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Here are a few more:

"GM:You find a Gnome sitting in the middle of a ring of suspicious runes, meditating.
PC1:What is he wearing?
GM:He is sitting wearing a cap, a pair of old, ratty pants, and no shirt.
Me:Wait, did we just find a Smurf?"

"Druid:I cast a spell, and tell the party not to walk in that area.
Barbarian:I draw and drink a potion of fly
Inquisitor:I do the same
Monk:Dang it, I forgot my potion of fly. Hey Barbar, could you give me a ride?
Barbarian:Well, I'd have to drop my weapon. Could I attack with you?
Monk:Well, I am a weapon!"

PFS Confirmation spoilers present:
We are in the bit where we are trying to figure out the object in the lake, with the 12 professions of Aroden. We get to the thief

Hunter:Hmm, what should we do with this.
Barbarian:I poke it with my 10-ft. pole the character will not touch things without doing this first, concept stuff
Me:Maybe we should do something theif-related.
Cavalier:points to barbarian I jack his Pole! Wait-No!


EvilPaladin wrote:
** spoiler omitted **

You know, regarding the 10-foot pole, Quarterstaff Master lets you use the Quarterstaff as a one-handed weapon so a Large Quarterstaff would, by size step-up, be considered a two-handed weapon. So you very well could wield an actual 10-foot pole.

Shadow Lodge

Kazaan wrote:
EvilPaladihn wrote:
**spoiler ommitted**
You know, regarding the 10-foot pole, Quarterstaff Master lets you use the Quarterstaff as a one-handed weapon so a Large Quarterstaff would, by size step-up, be considered a two-handed weapon. So you very well could wield an actual 10-foot pole.

Interesting. It also would work if you were to take Catch Off-Guard.


Why do no Banners fly around Old Dead Eye?

Because Erastil (air is still)


Kthulhu wrote:

Taken from Big Bang Theory:

Dungeons & Dragons

(cue 3 minutes of canned laughter)

:P

The laughter isn't actually canned but from a live audience.


Friend signature character is a halfling ladies man.
Tried my bit as a Raptoran ladies man in a different campaign.
conversation happened out of game.

"good thing I'm not playing my halfling. We'd either be best buds, or rivals."

I look right at her and respond.

"No, he'd be your..." I put on my glasses "wing man. YEAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"


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For a while my group liked to invent words to describe how they were killing people. The most common, and still used to this day, is murderficate.

verb - murderficate - the act of killing something with pizzazz, ensuring the most blood loss.

Also see noun - murderfication - much like execution, but performed while the prisoner is armed and "dangerous"


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How do you make Holy Water?

Spoiler:
You take regular water and boil the Hell out of it


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Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

The Tale of Old Man Henderson...haven't laughed like that in a long, long time.


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Years ago we're playing in Greyhawk and the party is hired to foil an assassination attempt on a visiting ambassador. He's put up in a mansion on the edge of town, guards put in place, and we're told we keep him safe or else.

We do all the information gathering and such and can't get a clue to when or who or how. So, in a flash of brilliance, we decide to lure the assassin out by hiring him to kill the "ambassador" ourselves. As someone points out, "Who would pass up the chance to get paid twice for the same job? It's fool proof."

We spread the word we're hiring someone to kill a "visitor" to the city, must be very skilled at his trade. Through our drop message system we get a bite, and pass on we want the ambassador killed and when and where he can be found. "We'll leave the door to his room unlocked."

Then we prepare the "ambassador's" room. We board up the window on the inside, move a cabinet in front of the window for good measure, station the guards away from that part of the mansion to guard the ambassador in his real room, and settle in to wait. Kind of smirking, too.

At midnight the door opens, someone slips in, and we spring the trap. We light up the room, slam the bar down on the door and turn to face the poor doomed assassin.

Imagine our joy to see a mind flayer standing there. And us all of level 5. Oh, and for some reason he has an imp, too.

Well, the battle was mostly a lot of screaming in panic, trying to tear the boards off the windows, trying to get past the mind flayer to the door, and shouting for the guards. And the mind flayer and his imp having the time of their lives.

Now whenever the group is stumped on how to deal with a problem, someone will often suggest, "We could hire an assassin to kill us."


Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber

lol, Kantrip.


What do you call a cleric of Aroden?
An optimist.

What do you say to a cleric of Aroden on church day?
Excuse me, is it just going to be me and you today?

Best advice an Ulfen warrior can give his son/daughter:
Remember, it's pillage and burn. Never the other way around.

Kindly Chelaxian inquistor: Be faithful or have your intestines fed to a small hungry imp. Now, that's not too much to ask, is it?

What do you call the guy who names all the new hurricanes in the Shackles?
Unemployed.


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A level 1 mage named Aziz who only casts light?


parizzio wrote:
A level 1 mage named Aziz who only casts light?

You win.


<3

Silver Crusade

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GM: Congratulations, your druid just got eaten by a lion.
PC: Was I eaten whole?
GM: Yes, you got eaten who-
PC: I turn into a bear!

Why R. A. Salvatore plays tabletop games - His famous Wubba Wubba story


My friend at the table is a wordsmith of Don King proportions; His wizard, with a 25 intelligence, rebutted a party-member with "that's a mook point" probably the funniest thing I've ever heard... until last week; his new character, meaning to say someone was emaciated, said they were "Immancipated"; after that proclamation, I think I have a new favorite.


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"I think therefor I am. My fireball thinks, therefor you aren't anymore."


The 5 RPG archetypes thing made me LOL.


I always liked the orc joke/riddle. Yes it's bad, yes it's a terrible joke/riddle, but it always makes me smile for some reason.

In an orc voice* - What is brown and sticky? A STICK!

Silver Crusade

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Glad you liked it Ravendork. He's one of my favorites for inspiration.

Cats! How could I forget!

"YOU WILL TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!"

Party is looking for a halfling arcane caster, a known assassin who uses dominate person to turn innocents into potential assassins and has been making attempts on the pc's and the king employing them. The trail has taken them to..the orphanages.

Halflings. Human orphanages. Problem?

But wait! We're 11th level! So everyone starts casting their various detection spells to look for magic. And the witch sees a cat with a magic aura on it run past, and manages to nail it with a freeze hex, thinking 'cat with a magic aura? Could be our mage under a polymorph!'

So he starts tying up this now frozen kitten with rope swearing at it and throwing every non-lethal hex and curse and spell he can think of at it (Scarred Witch Doctor archetype, so big scary half Orc here!) while snarling "You will tell me your secrets!"

And out walks a little old lady, like a 2nd or 3rd level Adept who had put a status spell on her little cat to know if a beggar tried to eat 'Mr Fluffles', freaking out at the massive horrifically scarred half Orc that is now seemingly torturing her cat while a group of heavily armed adventurers stood by watching and laugh. Didn't do our reputation any help, that day. But it certainly did make for some good laughs.


I watched my brother and his friend(The DM) very actively roleplay a Wizard altered self to be disguised as a woman avoid being solicited for sex by a very forward Guard who wasn't exactly getting the picture.


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Roll20's die roller is a pretty big joke in our group. It's supposed to be random, but some trends have emerged:

Any time my bard, who already has crazy high knowledge skills, rolls a knowledge check, I am almost guaranteed to roll a 20 (we use crit success and fail on skills).

Our sorcerer only rolls 4's or higher on blast spells

Our GM will roll 2 or 3 20's in a row when attacking any non-frontliners. We use compounding crits (ie roll a crit on the confirm roll, it's a double crit), which will nearly always drop them.

Our Paladin and gunslinger on the other hand, do not have the luck the rest of us seem to however. The between the two of them, they crit fail at least 25% of their rolls. Our GM uses a crit fail deck. Not a combat goes by without one of them suffering some debilitating debuff, or hitting an ally. Not an rp semgent goes by without one of them being horribly misinformed by rolling a 1 on a skill roll.

The worst case however, was when we found an abandoned alchemy lab. The gunslinger, being a hobby alchemist (to craft alchemic cartridges), want to see if there is anything still usable.

GM: Ok, 50% chance something blows up, choose a range.

Gun: 25- 75.

GM: *rolls* 34. Make a reflex save and choose another 25% range to see if it causes a chain reaction.

Gun: *fails save* 50-75.

GM: *rolls* 52. Everyone in the room make a reflex save. *everyone takes some damage* Ok, you all end up in the hallway, the door closed behind you. The explosions continue for for another 10 or 20 seconds, then they stop.

Gun: I go back in to see if anything is still usable.

GM: There are *rolls* 5 vials left intact.

Gun: I examine them.

GM:Ok, 25% chance of something blowing up.

Gun: 1-25.

GM: *rolls* 14. Make a reflex save.

Gun: I check the next vial.

Party: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GM: 20% chance. (gun fails.)

Gun. There's 2 left, right?

GM: 15% chance (fails), 10% chance (fails).

GM: How did you fail all those? All it took was for you to succeed at one of those rolls! That was a couple thousand GP of Alchemical explosives that should have been loot!


Wow, that was a 0.0094% (rounded) chance of failing all those rolls, not counting the saves.


I havn't been playing for a very long time but me and my group have manage to gather a lot of the "typical RPG storys" already.

There is something strange about my d20, the side with the 2 and the 20 seems to face up most of the time. Before I noticed this, when I was DMing, I had natural 20's five times in a row, the 5th time I was confirming the second crit agains an almost unconsious player.

I told the players what was happening and that I would fuddge the dice for this time and re-roll where they could see it. That time I "only" got a 19 and the rogue went unconsious for the third time that session.

Now they always want to borrow my lucky dice when there's an important roll. Somehow they always manage to get the 1's but mostly the 2's...
(I don't know how)


Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber; Pathfinder Starfinder Roleplaying Game Subscriber
Rub-Eta wrote:
Before I noticed this while DMing, I had natural 20's five times in a row. The fifth time I was confirming the second crit against an almost unconscious player.

You really shouldn't beat up your players.


I have noticed trends in roll20 rolls. It tends to "stick" (IE, I frequently repeat the same result when I roll the same things).


williamoak wrote:
I have noticed trends in roll20 rolls. It tends to "stick" (IE, I frequently repeat the same result when I roll the same things).

Small trends are exactly what you should expect to see, somewhat frequently. Always different results =/= random.


Ravingdork wrote:
Rub-Eta wrote:
Before I noticed this while DMing, I had natural 20's five times in a row. The fifth time I was confirming the second crit against an almost unconscious player.
You really shouldn't beat up your players.

The party was fighting Goblins. The guy had been none-stop trying to pull of cool stunts (outside of the rules) stalling the game trying to find loop-holes, trying to invent new combat moves to get his sneak attack in.

I told him that he needs to flank none flat-footed targets...

So he moved in inbetween all the goblins to flank one of them with an other guy from the party... And with the AoO he provoked from two of the five goblins, they landed a critical each. The three remaining just climbed over him, keeping up the fight.

He is also that guy who doesn't pay too much attantion to much. After I told him how much damage he had taken he told us that he was unconscious. Everyone thought that everyone was at full health when the combat started... He wouldn't drink his potions (which I had just stacked them full with, they all had about 7 cure minor and 2 moderate each), unless he knew he was about to die...


But yes, I agree. In general, DM's shouldn't beat up their players.


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Have you ever read the Material Components for spells? There are some good jokes there. For instance- detect thoughts: a copper piece.

Anybody? If you didn't get it..."a penny for your thoughts."

Cloud Giants have scent. Fee, Fye, Foe, Fum.

RPGs are generally written by clever folks who knew how to embed Easter Eggs before they were even known as such.


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Abyssian wrote:

Have you ever read the Material Components for spells? There are some good jokes there. For instance- detect thoughts: a copper piece.

Anybody? If you didn't get it..."a penny for your thoughts."

Cloud Giants have scent. Fee, Fye, Foe, Fum.

RPGs are generally written by clever folks who knew how to embed Easter Eggs before they were even known as such.

When you think about it, this also means that it has a costly material component. :D

Liberty's Edge

Abyssian wrote:

Have you ever read the Material Components for spells? There are some good jokes there. For instance- detect thoughts: a copper piece.

Anybody? If you didn't get it..."a penny for your thoughts."

Cloud Giants have scent. Fee, Fye, Foe, Fum.

RPGs are generally written by clever folks who knew how to embed Easter Eggs before they were even known as such.

Yeah. The ingredients for fireball are also those for gunpowder, Sleep uses sand, Grease requires butter, etc.

Really the material component lists are hilarious.


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Ravingdork wrote:
Rub-Eta wrote:
Before I noticed this while DMing, I had natural 20's five times in a row. The fifth time I was confirming the second crit against an almost unconscious player.
You really shouldn't beat up your players.

Mixing Players and PCs is one of my favorite (unintentional) joke.


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Rub-Eta wrote:
But yes, I agree. In general, DM's shouldn't beat up their players.

But if they lay their head on the anvil and hand you a hammer like that...

Shadow Lodge

It is so the GM's job to beat up players. Why else would they give you all those cool monsters and NPC viliians. It is survival of the strongest and cleverest (is that a word), out there kill or be killed, scam or be scammed, kick the door in or get kicked in.


@the Queen's Raven
You missed the point that it is the GM's job to beat up _PC's_ not players ;) No worries, I did the same for a moment or two...


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Oh, and the best source of D&D/Pathfinder jokes on a daily basis is
Out of Context DnD.

You can read the webpage (above) or subscribe to it on tumblr. Several good giggles/chuckles/lols a day, though you may want to filter out the non-jokes.

Shadow Lodge

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A rogue says he will scout ahead of the party. He never returns.

Shadow Lodge

A running joke with my alchemist is to offer to cook breakfast and have something in his lab go poof as he says it.

Here is something that came up today:

Alchemist:I heard a Rumour that the lady who runs the apothecary shop makes illegal drugs. I think that the sheriff uses them, why else would he be so interested in her services?
Cleric:Maybe they're f*(<!?&. Its not that hard.

And another:
Alchemist after unwittingly being subjected to Message, walking into apothecary shop:Hey, I'm new in town and was wondering if I could get some work here.
Message:Ask them if she's sleeping with the sheriff.
Alchemist:Who said that?
Apothecary Owner:What?
Message:same as before, but in Osiriani
Alchemist:That.
Apothecary Owner:Freaked Out Um...nobody is talking.
Alchemist:Ah, ignore it. So, any chance I could get some work?
Apothecary Owner:I'm sorry, but I'm not hiring at the moment.
Alchemist:Ok, I'll try somewhere else.
Message:same as before, but in Varisian
Alchemist: on the way out No, I won't ask if she's F*(<!?& the Sheriff.


A paladin fights a city full of succubi with sorceress levels that specialise on charm spells. After a day of combat and moral tests, he walks to the local hospital, to tend to the wounded... Only to promptly fall from jaywalking.


SnowJade wrote:
One of the players in my group was trying to map out the part of the world we were adventuring in, and he asked, "So, is this part of the Empire of the Pedal Throne?".

I don't get it.

If it was spoken, then "petal" and "pedal" sound identical, right? Maybe I'm missing something.


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"Why are you casting magic missile? There's nothing to attack here..."

"I'm attacking the darkness!"


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As a city is attacked by a dragon, by chance, clerics of various faiths seek shelter in the same house. The one following Iomedae says: "We need to stop that dragon somehow! I say we slay him!", to which the follower of Gorum agrees. The follower of Abadar says: "I say we strike a deal with him!" - everyone groans, but the one faithful to Asmodeus. The followers of Gozreh and Nethys are undecided, while the priestess following Sarenrae recommends a diplomatic approach. They all go back and forth, until finally, the follower of Calistria says: "F!$+ it."... and steps outside.

A gnome entered a bar. He stood by the counter and asked by some wine. Seconds passes. He asks again... nothing.. he starts to jump, trying to look over the counter, and asking "I want a wine! I want a wine!. He gets upset and walks around it, and finds another gnome jumping, trying to look over the counter, asking "red or white? Red or White?"

An Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf Go into a bar and order a beer. Before they drink, a fly lands in each one. The Elf shoves the beer away in disdain. The Human waves the fly away and drinks the beer. The Dwarf picks the fly up, holds it over his glass and yells, "Spit it all out you little *******!"

An elf and a dwarf come across a drow in the woods while adventuring. Preparing to attack, they are shocked to find an Efreeti which offers the three each one wish. The dwarf asks for his home hold to be filled with the best defensive weaponry possible. Not to be outdone, the elf asks for his home city to be surrounded by a huge, impenetrable wall, with no crack, crevice or even gate to fully ensure his people's safety. When it comes th the drow's turn, he thinks for a minute. 'How high is this wall?' he asks. 'About 30 feet' replies the Efreeti. 'And it's completely impenetrable?' 'Yes'. Again, the Drow thinks, before finally opening his mouth to declare his wish. 'Fill it with water'

An orc, an elf, and a dwarf find themselves being granted wishes by an Efreeti. The orc says, "We orcs need to return to power. I wish all the orcs and half-orcs were returned to their ancient lands." The Efreeti nods his head, and the orc vanishes. The elf says, "The elves need to get back to their roots. I wish all the elves and half-elves were returned to their ancestral home." The Efreeti nods his head, and the elf vanishes. The dwarf looks around. "Let me get this straight," the dwarf says, "the orc wished for all the orcs to be gone, and the elf wished for all the elves to be gone?" The Efreeti nods. "Very well, then," said the dwarf, "I'll have an ale."

A Chelaxian, a Varisian and an Absalomian walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Can you afford this?". The Varisian leaves, the Absalomian drinks, the Chelaxian enslaves the bartender's family.

I’m not saying you’re fat, I’m just saying you look like you have immunity to levitate.
Your breath would make a bag of devouring blush.
Your mama is so ugly, Orcus's cultist worship her.
Your mother stinks so bad, even troglodytes won't come near her.
Your mother is so fat, even Rovagug wouldn't be able to devour her.
Your mother is always so hungry, even Rovagug is like: "Woman, take it down a notch!".


I got this one from someone's signature in the original DND boards, but it was something like the fighter saying "my diplomacy does 2d6."

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